INTJ with INTJ kid

[kiribati writer]

I'm a definite INTJ and my soon-to-be teenage son is showing all the signs that he got it from me.

Any advice on helping him adjust before he gets to his high school years? I had one awful dating experience after another in high school and college and I'd like to help him have an easier time.

[elke]

Hi

I find it difficult to say which type my kids are, but the youngest is highly gifted, and shows a number of INTJ-signs, but she is only 7, far too young to see the final pattern ;-)
It's quite hard guiding her through life, I constantly have to invent new challenges for her (she just skipped one year at school and took up extensive music classes, so hope het mind will be satisfied for a while...)

[slut poacher]

my daughter just turned 12, i was thinking of putting up the same post. her teachers are already taking notice of her introversion as though it is a bad thing. i want to help her, but unfortunately my own social skills are seriously lacking.(not that i could ever be a popular 12 year old girl) another potential problem for her, is that she is well on her way to becoming an amazon, at 12 she is the same size as the average adult woman. it looks like that she is going to be a 6 footer or better. i had a hard enough time growing up being an intj and a big bruiser, i cant begin to imagine the social obstacles she will encounter. does anyone have any suggestions? maybe psychology for kids, if like me she doesnt develop social niceties maybe she can read about them and do her best to fake it. i would hate to see her suffer the same types of relationships and social isolation that her old man did.

[Danisty]

Have you considered home schooling? I would have given anything to be home schooled.

[Colette]

I'm a definite INTJ and my soon-to-be teenage son is showing all the signs that he got it from me.

Any advice on helping him adjust before he gets to his high school years? I had one awful dating experience after another in high school and college and I'd like to help him have an easier time.

Do you mean social adjustment? Can you expand a little on what it is you are trying to adjust him towards? Otherwise I'll probably post an answer that may be interesting but irrelevant :)

[INTJgal]

Have you considered home schooling? I would have given anything to be home schooled.

I think being homeschooled would have limited my social abilities.

If she's going to be big, try sports. At 12 she can still learn basketball/volleyball and i was baffled for many years, but they seriously taught me a lot of social skills.





INTJgal added to this post, 0 minutes and 47 seconds later...

I'm a definite INTJ and my soon-to-be teenage son is showing all the signs that he got it from me.

Any advice on helping him adjust before he gets to his high school years? I had one awful dating experience after another in high school and college and I'd like to help him have an easier time.

let him read up. buy the cheezy (but the helpful) dating books.

[Danisty]

I think being homeschooled would have limited my social abilities.I think public school limited my social abilities. The unfriendly environment created too many complexes that I still haven't completely worked out.

[Colette]

I think public school limited my social abilities. The unfriendly environment created too many complexes that I still haven't completely worked out.

Yes, a sort of 'one size fits all' approach is certainly a weakness of the public school system. I was labeled socially inept and slightly eccentric, by my schools, from an early age; but now here I am, a happy and moderately well-adjusted adult, despite my detractors :)

I'm not sure that homeschooling is a good option if used for 'avoidance' purposes (i.e. to avoid having to grapple with the big teenage issues). Homeschooling IMO can have a sort of protectionist, shielding from bad influences type of 'bubble' effect, that I'm not sure actually stands kids in good stead for the diversity of people and situations they may encounter later on in life.

[Uytuun]

Have you considered home schooling? I would have given anything to be home schooled.

Home schooling may be "easier" for the INTJ, but I suspect that it's socially crippling in the long run. And we certainly don't need that.

I think the most important thing is making sure that he feels appreciated and accepted at home. You can encourage him to do more E-oriented activities (sports and music are good because they tend to be social yet structured). I don't know to what degree forcing him to attend E stuff is an option. Instinctively I would say no way, but sometimes we INTJs just need a little push to get over the intial anxiety. I know I threw a dreadful tantrum when my parents forced me to go to music school (well, I was younger, though, about 7), but I really liked it once I was there. Then again, he's a teen, and they don't generally respond well to forcing.

I was going to suggest telling him about MBTI, but maybe that would contribute to a kind of unhealhy INTJ cultivation. And anyway, it's all over the Internet, so he can find it on his own.

[Danisty]

I'm not sure that homeschooling is a good option if used for 'avoidance' purposes (i.e. to avoid having to grapple with the big teenage issues). Homeschooling IMO can have a sort of protectionist, shielding from bad influences type of 'bubble' effect, that I'm not sure actually stands kids in good stead for the diversity of people and situations they may encounter later on in life.

Home schooling may be "easier" for the INTJ, but I suspect that it's socially crippling in the long run. And we certainly don't need that.

Only if you see school as the only possible social outlet.

[Colette]

Only if you see school as the only possible social outlet.

I don't see it as the 'only' outlet for homeschoolers. I know a few families around me who do it, and the kids get an outlet with their extended family, and the families and kids of friends and other homeschooling families.

My issue, I suppose, is the fact that this 'outlet' (or social exposure if you prefer) seems to be almost exclusively with other kids of a similar type/background/values, or whatever. Thus I'm not sure what sort of real educative value it has in terms of socializing a child to the inevitability of difference and diversity out there in the 'real' world.

[Verde]

at 12 she is the same size as the average adult woman. It looks like that she is going to be a 6 footer or better. I had a hard enough time growing up being an intj and a big bruiser; I can’t begin to imagine the social obstacles she will encounter. does anyone have any suggestions?

I also towered over everyone when I was younger and was made fun of. The way my parents dealt with it when I was in elementary school was by having that "everyone gets made fun of for something-deal with it." So by the time I got to middle school I had achieved a very thick skin, nothing really bothered me too much. It also helped that I have two brothers that made fun of me at home so I got plenty of practice there. My parents also made me play sports and although I never saw a point I was welcomed due to my goon-status. They also made me play an instrument, take art classes, and encouraged my library-card usage. Telling me to deal with it, and making me join activities did help me, and although I eventually became more socially accepted, I still felt misunderstood and alone and wondered why being socially accepted was so desirable (but does that ever go away?) However at least I was exposed to others, and learning about my peers helped me understand myself better and appreciating those characteristics I possess that others do not. I also became very well rounded having skills that went beyond the classroom. Without them pushing me I don't know if I would have known those skills were there.

My mom did make one mistake though. She picked out very unflattering clothes for me. One thing in particular was this yellow jump suit like thing, which resulted in people referring to me as "big bird.".... =) So be careful with selecting clothes for her.

I feel as though a lot of the survival social skills come from within and come with time. You can only encourage her and show her that being teased and not being accepted is far from the end of the world although it may not seem to be the case at this point in her life.

[PortInStorm]

I was good at playing classical violin, and that saved me. Especially since being admired for a skill was more important than being popular to me anyhow. Cultivating an advanced skill can really help esteem.

[Learning]

I'm a definite INTJ and my soon-to-be teenage son is showing all the signs that he got it from me.

Any advice on helping him adjust before he gets to his high school years? I had one awful dating experience after another in high school and college and I'd like to help him have an easier time.

Ask questions, and maybe share some of your dating experiences with him that you feel are appropriate? This will help your relationshiop with each other regardless of the outcome of his experiences.

Also encourage his interests, or help him find them. He may excel & find something he cherishes, and that will help him to be more confident in himself and possibly gain new friends.

[anthrogirl]

Find out what kids are good at and join them in a club for that if possible. My daughter is tending towards INTJ like me, I thought she might like drama and she did it for a year and it gave her alot of confidence, she enjoyed it. Maybe joining a chess team, or ski team or dance class, whatever they like.

[Santana28]

i'm the daughter of an INTJ, and my son who just turned 3 is certainly taking after my side of the family, although he is MUCH more sociable than i or his father EVER were.

i personally hated school with a fiery burning passion from hell... started pretty much as soon as i got put into a classroom with my so-called "peers" (kindergarten). by the 2nd grade i remember plotting ways to disrupt the entire school and how to get away from it all. i HATED school, and that is an understatement. i couldnt take being judged by my relations with others, and while i was "friend to all" i was close to noone. i spent most of my time alone, by choice. i would find any excuse possible to stay inside rather than be forced to go take recess with the other kids. i resented being forced to do things which were far below my skill and ability, forced to do things which i considered illogical and irrelevant to my life (like cursive writing, for instance), and forced to waste precious hours of my life on "busy work" that i already knew for tests of which i would ace anyways. by the time i reached high school i was actively doing as little as possible, taking part in as few activities as possible, and basically showing up for my tests. i still managed to get As and Bs, but i find that hard to believe considering how very very little effort i put into it.

my parents forced me into various social situations because they noticed i was extremely reluctant to do so on my own... which in turn made me resent them bitterly and also resist their socialization efforts. i was tested as bright and the school district offered to skip me multiple grades and start me in more advanced classes - my parents turned them down because they were worried about my "socialization" issues... they didnt want me to lose my "friends." its a good thing they waited until i was out of school to tell me about this, because if i had known it probably would have completely destroyed my school career... i was always on the the thin line between being asocial and anti-social.... that would have most certainly pushed me over the edge.

growing up, my interests were art, history, and music - i wanted more than anything to have guitar lessons or drum lessons. my parents wouldn't let me have either. then they signed me up for band in the 5th grade, and selected clarinet for me. i tried to switch to percussion and they wouldnt let me. my clarinet suddenly turned up broken in a freak "accident." it was repairable. i stayed in band and did my own thing until i was required to join marching band... at which point i dropped out.

i'm not trying to scare you, but there can be a lot of issues in this area with kids like i was. heck, my father is the most brilliant person i have ever met. until jr. high he was in Learning disabled classes, and behavioral problem classes. Turns out he was blind as a bat and dislexic and needed glasses and no one bothered to notice that. His response was very similar to mine, however it seems he gave up on school altogether and didnt even bother passing tests. of course when he had the chance to go to a vocational school for something he was interested in, he excelled immediately.

the MOST important thing i see that you can do is to PAY ATTENTION to your child's specific points of interest and SUPPORT THEM no matter how you feel about them.

i wouldnt worry nearly so much about socialization issues... kids grow out of these things. i'm much more sociable and happy and able to get along with people now that i am an adult... i do things on my terms, and i am in control. an INTJ forced into situations is only going to excel at defeating them. just dont ever squash you child's interests, and genuinely support the things that they are interested in... thats my best advice.





Santana28 added to this post, 1058 minutes and 11 seconds later...

Home schooling may be "easier" for the INTJ, but I suspect that it's socially crippling in the long run. And we certainly don't need that.

I think the most important thing is making sure that he feels appreciated and accepted at home. You can encourage him to do more E-oriented activities (sports and music are good because they tend to be social yet structured). I don't know to what degree forcing him to attend E stuff is an option. Instinctively I would say no way, but sometimes we INTJs just need a little push to get over the intial anxiety. I know I threw a dreadful tantrum when my parents forced me to go to music school (well, I was younger, though, about 7), but I really liked it once I was there. Then again, he's a teen, and they don't generally respond well to forcing.

I was going to suggest telling him about MBTI, but maybe that would contribute to a kind of unhealhy INTJ cultivation. And anyway, it's all over the Internet, so he can find it on his own.

there really is no way you can force an introverted kid into becoming a more extroverted kid - and certainly not by signing them up for things they haven't expressed interest in.

when i was young i loved being athletic and i would have enjoyed being in school sports... but i never signed up because ultimately my preference for being alone was greater than my interest in team sports. i played softball during the summer in a league, but that was easy because i just hit the ball and sat in left field all the time and never had to talk to anyone ;) if my parents would have signed me up for something else, it would have been a trainwreck and i would have been miserable. i was very oppositionally-defiant.

i really think worrying about your kid being socially "crippled" is totally unfounded... i was horribly backwards all through school, despite being forced into various social situations. as soon as i got out and was on my own i had the feeling that everything was "starting new" and i didn't have to deal with the old issues - i was finally for once in charge of my own life and the people i wanted to be a part of it, and i was free to finally be myself. in reality, i was forced to be someone i was not during all those years of forced socialization, miserable because of it - and have only found happiness and satisfaction with myself since getting away from it.

i'll say it again - you cant force an I to act or think like an E unless they want to! and its NOT a bad thing!

[Uytuun]

I simply think that you should be able to transcend the constraints of your type. Not saying that I is inferior, or INTJ is inferior.

I learned to cultivate an E-exterior (not like it's perfect or anything...) at a young age simply because I realised that in this world, being E has certain advantages. This was my observation and my decision, not my parents, that's true. But I'm grateful that they threw me into the water a couple of times so I learned how to swim, so to say. They managed to do so while at the same time accepting my INTJness - later my mother started to be more critical, though.

Of course you should send your kids to stuff they will at least be mildly interested in. Mine opted for book-reading club (this was awesome, we got to write reviews on new childrens' books), tennis, diction classes (eloquence), music school etc. These things brought me much joy, but I would never have tried them hadn't I got a little push (not always in the form of forcing, mind you) from my parents.

I guess it also depends on the kind of INTJ you're dealing with, though.

[INTJoe]

I'm a definite INTJ and my soon-to-be teenage son is showing all the signs that he got it from me.

Any advice on helping him adjust before he gets to his high school years? I had one awful dating experience after another in high school and college and I'd like to help him have an easier time.

Why does he need to adjust?

You had several dating experiences in high school? That's a lot more (dating experiences altogether) than myself! lol. Sounds pretty good to me!

[karen]

I'm not sure if this is available in your area, but alternative highschool did wonders for me. It was an art school, and everyone there was a little odd and outcast. There were science and 'general' alt. schools in my area too, but at the time the art was the best fit for me. As a general rule, the teachers are more flexible, the curriculum is more stimulating, the kids are nicer (almost all introverts) and you could kind of guide your own education.

[Santana28]

I simply think that you should be able to transcend the constraints of your type. Not saying that I is inferior, or INTJ is inferior.

I learned to cultivate an E-exterior (not like it's perfect or anything...) at a young age simply because I realised that in this world, being E has certain advantages. This was my observation and my decision, not my parents, that's true. But I'm grateful that they threw me into the water a couple of times so I learned how to swim, so to say. They managed to do so while at the same time accepting my INTJness - later my mother started to be more critical, though.

Of course you should send your kids to stuff they will at least be mildly interested in. Mine opted for book-reading club (this was awesome, we got to write reviews on new childrens' books), tennis, diction classes (eloquence), music school etc. These things brought me much joy, but I would never have tried them hadn't I got a little push (not always in the form of forcing, mind you) from my parents.

I guess it also depends on the kind of INTJ you're dealing with, though.

yeah... mild-interest in something + my own instigation = mild success. mild-interest in something + parent's instigation = horrible failure... at least, for me thats how it was. the fact that my parents wanted me to be "different" enough to force me into things i didn't instigate was enough to cause all the angst and blowback in the world..

[Antares]

Hi

I find it difficult to say which type my kids are, but the youngest is highly gifted, and shows a number of INTJ-signs, but she is only 7, far too young to see the final pattern ;-)
It's quite hard guiding her through life, I constantly have to invent new challenges for her (she just skipped one year at school and took up extensive music classes, so hope het mind will be satisfied for a while...)

I'm 14, and I'd say kids change a lot, so don't type them too early :) I remember, merely a year ago, I was a hopelessly romantic dreamer, an ESFP by the sound of it. *cough* I'm back on Earth now.

[AmazingnessMan]

I wrote two paragraphs before I came to the rather blunt realisation that I wrote pretty much what Uytuun described. I believe He/She (forgive me, you have no gender in your profile) is spot on.

kiribati writer: May I suggest identifying what went wrong in the relationships you had and have a man-to-man bonding session? By the way, I admire your desire to provide your son with the knowledge to have a better (for a lack of a more appropriate term) High School experience than you appear to have had!

[ElstonGunn]

Santana made too many points that I agreed with for me to point them all out. I'll just say that I'm very much the same way. You can't force me to do anything and expect anything good to come from it.

The main thing I'm thinking here is that you shouldn't tell you kid that he sucks because he's an introvert. That's just a redundant waste of time, because society already makes it clear that it hates us anyways. What is society if not social? Heh heh.

Whenever people tried to make me 'open up' or be more sociable or more talkative, I always took it as a sign that there was something wrong with me that needed to be corrected. And that, in turn, made me hostile toward any effort that anybody made to do so. Basically it was "You can't tell me what to do" syndrome.

The point is, if somebody wants to be more extroverted, he'll do it on his own accord, or at least show some sign of interest in it. If he doesn't want to be extroverted, don't force it. If you're still concerned, I think the best thing to do is offer activities, but be sure to let a 'no' be a 'no.'

[Medicus]

I'm a definite INTJ and my soon-to-be teenage son is showing all the signs that he got it from me.

Any advice on helping him adjust before he gets to his high school years? I had one awful dating experience after another in high school and college and I'd like to help him have an easier time.
I was very anxious to try new social experiences as a young child. I would cry and run away. Got too overwhelmed by the stimulation and interaction. But always liked individual sports and hobbies (Cox airplanes, skiing, model rockets, skateboarding) In high school I began taking flying lessons. My self-confidence began to soar. At midlife I have learned all kinds of social skills, yet will typically stay back until I know the terrain better. It is important not to force things socially. Find skills and interests already present and build upon them. Some of us are late bloomers socially. I know I was.