Longterm Relationships

[jeffersonian]

Is it typical of INTJs to develop boredom in longterm relationships? I find myself sometimes just wanting to jump to a new relationship for the novelty of it and the hopes that something interesting might come from a change.

Does anyone else get that? I realize it can happen in some relationships of poor quality, but it's been going on long enough and often enough that I'm pretty sure it's me. Anyone identify?

[PortInStorm]

I do, you're not alone. I deeply value my partner and relationship, but due to what can be called "intellectual vampirism", I need fresh ideas/perspectives etc, and that's hard with one person (whoever they are) after I've "sucked them dry". No doubt a fellow INTJ would find the same with me, though I try hard to refresh my intellect with interesting things to discuss.

[Jezebel]

My tendency is to prefer long term relationships. I haven't been in many of them, but I always ended things early with people if I didn't see the potential. I generally don't like the process of dating and getting to know new people and would rather have the familiarity. I like having the stability so I can focus on things other than my 'love life', so lulls of interest in the relationship itself haven't bothered me in the past. Though admittedly, I can't say that the other involved party always agrees that is a good thing.

[Uytuun]

I strongly agree with Jezebel, the whole getting to know part can be such a hassle, but I can also relate to what Jeffersonian brings up. I sometimes wonder whether I will ever be fascinated enough by one person to spend to rest of my life with him...experience so far hasn't been overly positive. Spending some time apart might help.

[Wapiti]

I think the boredom develops (atleast for me) from the fact that the relationship seems to no longer be progressing. If no forward progress is being made, I withdrawl and look elsewhere for stimulation, which leads to the current relationship diminishing.
I agree, i prefer long term relationships, but have had so few. Getting to know people on a deep level is so time consuming and emotionaly involved - and that emotional part is so taxing.

[Obstinate]

I think I have the exact opposite problem as all of you. I want to have long distance relationships (friendships or dating, doesn't matter), but it seems like as soon as I open up perhaps a bit too much, people seem to start to lose interest, and move on. Then I feel abandoned, then somehow end up sabotaging the relationship even more. This happen to anyone else?

[RoqueBear]

Hmmm... Lot of differing responses here. I guess, I am the type of person who truly is better off in a relationship than I am single, though that is what I am now. I've actually always been the one to break off my relationships, Its been more of a mutual understanding. I'm still friends with all my past lovers still though.

Anyways, from my experiences. I'm not looking for someone to define who I am. My view is more of two strong individuals who want to share and make something. A person obviously has needs, but they should be individuals also. Maybe two people trying to mesh everything about each other and creating a single person from two, works for some. Thats my view on LTR as an xNTJ.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Is it typical of INTJs to develop boredom in longterm relationships? I find myself sometimes just wanting to jump to a new relationship for the novelty of it and the hopes that something interesting might come from a change.

Does anyone else get that? I realize it can happen in some relationships of poor quality, but it's been going on long enough and often enough that I'm pretty sure it's me. Anyone identify?
I totally get what you're saying. Not only with relationships, but with everything in life. Careers, places, hobbies, routines......you name it.... I get bored with it. Is it an INTJ problem, something to do with a limited attention span, or perhaps a high requirement for variety?

[Colette]

I don't think I can see anything longterm for myself now, partly because of the reasons you've mentioned, and also for other reasons. This realization doesn't bother me in the slightest - in fact I've found it to be quite liberating :)

[PortInStorm]

I don't think it's a short attention span, but more like an intellectual thirst.

[Colette]

I don't think it's a short attention span, but more like an intellectual thirst.

That's what you get for hooking up with an ESFJ :P

[Wapiti]

I don't think it's a short attention span, but more like an intellectual thirst.

I agree, I see it as a never ending need to learn as much as possible. When I have learned as much as I can about something, it becomes boring. I need new things to keep my mind occupied.

[Solaris]

I agree, I see it as a never ending need to learn as much as possible. When I have learned as much as I can about something, it becomes boring. I need new things to keep my mind occupied.

Guilty of precisely the same. When you really look at it objectively, it's like sucking the knowledge out of a person (using them up) and then discarding them. While this isn't true, I can see that it could come across this way. I only discard when they stop growing and/or prevent me from growing.

[PortInStorm]

@ Colette- :laugh:! You're probably at least a little right :)

[Santana28]

i dont know about boredom... i've never had a relationship lasting less than 3 years, and i've never actively dated in my life. when i'm "with" someone, i'm "with" them.

i have had various motives behind my various relationships... each related to some sort of lesson i wanted to learn about myself. of course, all of the people i have been with have been highly interesting, talented, intelligent people... with a variety of personal issues which only served to make the challenge more interesting. i can't say that i've ever gotten "bored" with a relationship - yes, i've had a desire to get out and experience new things... but that had nothing to do with the quality of my current relationship, just my usual desire to challenge myself. if my current relationship fails to challenge me, then i usually throw things in to make it more challenging. and then i move on if the other person fails to be an interesting as i thought originally they were.

yeah, its been a mess... but i've been through a lot, and its all been interesting - never boring!

[quixotic]

Hello all, first post here!

In response to the original question, I've only had long term relationships. I've had three relationships in my 22 years on this earth: one lasted about two and a half years, one lasted a little more than three, and my current has gone on for about 14 months.

My problems have all stemmed from not knowing when to move on from "challenging" situations which were, in fact, detrimental to my health and lifestyle. I find myself to be a patient man, so I have not experienced boredom in a relationship up to this point, just occasional frustration and a lot of good memories.

[Santana28]

Hello all, first post here!

In response to the original question, I've only had long term relationships. I've had three relationships in my 22 years on this earth: one lasted about two and a half years, one lasted a little more than three, and my current has gone on for about 14 months.

My problems have all stemmed from not knowing when to move on from "challenging" situations which were, in fact, detrimental to my health and lifestyle. I find myself to be a patient man, so I have not experienced boredom in a relationship up to this point, just occasional frustration and a lot of good memories.

thats been my problem as well. rather than admit failure and move on, i'm much more apt to invest further energy into a non-working relationship in an effort to get *something* positive out of it. it takes a LONG time for me to acknowledge that the cons are truly affecting my me negatively... and even then, i'm prone to sacrificing my happiness in order to try and "fix" someone else. i'm still waiting for that dream person to come alone who is truly happy, healthy, stable, and sure of themselves. i've been with people who like to think of themselves as that - but when you get down to the miniscule details, were completely the opposite.

FYI... first relationship was 3 years. current relationship is 8 years. had two affairs that each lasted 3 and 4 years. believe it or not, i'm still on great terms with everyone. about to end my current one due to the above-mentioned issues.

[Colette]

FYI... first relationship was 3 years. current relationship is 8 years. had two affairs that each lasted 3 and 4 years. believe it or not, i'm still on great terms with everyone. about to end my current one due to the above-mentioned issues.

Start a thread, please. This sounds interesting...I don't have relationships, so other peoples' are always of vicarious excitement and interest!

[karen]

I'm married to a man who doesn't really enjoy intellectual conversations. It works for me. I get my stimulating conversations with strangers like I've always done. That way I have nothing to get too bored about... also I read a lot and thats almost like a stimulating conversation. I think the key to a good long term relationship is someone who is a little insane to keep you on your toes... and a major fight every 6 months whether you think you need it :)

[yondyr]

I've been with another INTJ for decades, but....he lives in the States for half the year. When we get back together there's no lack of continuity - and we both greatly appreciate being together and our solitude.

[deicruxified]

in my case, it's different. i have always wanted a long term relationship but then when i find a mate then test him further, it seems that he fails some of my high standards.

then there's the emotional detachment...

[Santana28]

I'm married to a man who doesn't really enjoy intellectual conversations. It works for me. I get my stimulating conversations with strangers like I've always done. That way I have nothing to get too bored about... also I read a lot and thats almost like a stimulating conversation. I think the key to a good long term relationship is someone who is a little insane to keep you on your toes... and a major fight every 6 months whether you think you need it :)

yeah... i should start a thread about my lovelife... LOL. its certainly been nontraditional... to say the least.

and i agree with what he said - that is the #1 thing that kills things for me in a relationship - when the long, introspective conversations go out the window... i'm done. theres nothing more horrible than a relationship without conversation to me, and that is where i'm at currently and it SUCKS! its like a piece of you has died... a horrible, sinking feeling. i hate it.

[Colette]

ytheres nothing more horrible than a relationship without conversation to me, and that is where i'm at currently and it SUCKS! its like a piece of you has died... a horrible, sinking feeling. i hate it.

At least you have one - be thankful for that small mercy ;)

[Santana28]

At least you have one - be thankful for that small mercy ;)

i dont know... its more like torture to me - to have to live with someone who you KNOW is intelligent, interesting, and certainly has many things to talk about... and yet all they want to do is basically watch TV, eat potato chips, and make grunting noises every now and then. I suppose that was a miscalculation on my part to automatically assume he wouldn't morph into an exact replica of his father one day because he was so drastically different than him in the first place. Genetics are hard to overcome, i've noticed. Ah well...

[PortInStorm]

i dont know... its more like torture to me - to have to live with someone who you KNOW is intelligent, interesting, and certainly has many things to talk about... and yet all they want to do is basically watch TV, eat potato chips, and make grunting noises every now and then. I suppose that was a miscalculation on my part to automatically assume he wouldn't morph into an exact replica of his father one day because he was so drastically different than him in the first place. Genetics are hard to overcome, i've noticed. Ah well...
What on earth makes them do that??!! Why don't they want to explore this stuff with us, stretch their minds? I know work is sometimes hard, but what about the weekends etc.? This is currently my biggest frustration.

However, true to his "S" self, he did call me during the day to remind me to start the car early enough to get roadside assistance should the battery be dead (something my N mind never would have thought of), and did tape this amazing documentary I was going to miss because I was teaching. He really does do some great stuff.