"The INTJ How to Schmooze Guide"

[Cyrus]

Anyone else tired of letting the better deals go to incompetent, lazier people?
Tired of being misunderstood? People generally think you're scary? Difficult to talk to? Unapproachable? Cold?

Was wondering if anyone else shares this sentiment?
I'm getting really sick of it and am wondering what you guys might think of putting together something like...
"The INTJ How to Schmooze Guide: Guidelines for getting along with people @ work & play".
Proverbially 'greasing the skids' for social interactions

I've met of an INTJ who's a master schmoozer from an acquaintance. Has gone VERY VERY far in life, (one of microsoft's directors) cause of technical competence and ability to get along well with people... and am of the opinion that we shouldn't let interpersonal communication be a handicap to us.

I'm relatively new to the forum and it's been awesome knowing that other INTJs do exist out there.

I can relate to alot of what you guys have posted thus far. Eg: Need for space, not compromising our integrity/who we are, technically competent, deep long range thinkers, ability to synthesize complexity into a working, applicable framework,e tc.

However, I find that as a result of keeping this 'integrity', being who I am, alot of doors slam shut. I'm bugged by the fact that I somehow intimidate people, even though I do my best to smile and be friendly.
Naturally, like most of you guys, I talk straight and say what I mean (whatever that my non-linear brain can translate into linear language properly...) and sometimes, this offends people.
My close friends understand this, but it takes bloody forever for my good intentions to come across to other people.
When it comes to other people, most of the time, it doesn't come across until later... if there is a later...
My first impression either comes across as reserved or blunt, unless i'm talking to someone ALOT older, age > 45, who is very accomplished and can appreciate deep thought. (most of the time)

Yes, its easy to clam up into our own minds, but when we live in a world where we inherently need other people to survive (think about who baked your bread in the morning or who hired you...), I find the incentive of learning to get along with other people increasingly lucrative.
Getting along with people is like having extra hands and legs. Alot more can get done with alot less energy. Thus, it's highly efficient to learn to get along well with people!

IE: If we made it a goal how to schmooze.... we could come up with a "The INTJ How to Schmooze Guide" (or something).

Heck, we can do anything we set our minds to. Esp collectively. (haha. the INTJ handbook was side splitting, but inspiring as well. Shows what we can do when we put our heads together)

I mean, it's really REALLY so annoying and tiring to see somethings go to other people who are CLEARLY less competent, but who just happen to know how to get along with other people better. what a load of bull/c!
But that seems to be the rules of the game.

We are competent and highly intelligent individuals, but we clam up too much, perhaps are not very naturally articulate and generally have this aura of intimidation.
Hence, people dont quite see past all these 'flawed natural tendencies' to the competent, intelligent individual who is deeply loyal (to certain individuals...), committed and diligent. Traits that are rare to come bundled together.

Kinda ranted, sorry and it's the wee hours of the morning.
But I've been seriously contemplating my world view and the scripts I've been wired with as an INTJ.
I love MANY of our strengths. They're 2nd to absolutely no one. But I think we seriously have to address our weaknesses wrt people skills as well. Once we do so, there's really little that can stand in our way.

As another INTJ (somewhere on the forum) said,
"You can't do anything important without other people"
(hence this post....)

and from the PersonalityPage,
“On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life”

I'm serious about the "The INTJ How to Schmooze Guide" idea. But it'll be v difficult to work on it alone, cause it's pretty much a blind spot.

Comments, feedback, experiences, tips, "I agree with you", "Let's work on this" ?

Cy





Cyrus added to this post, 9 minutes and 41 seconds later...

Part 2:

I was having dinner w a v successful lady on monday. Entrepreneur, made a tonne of money.

she has a masters in HR. We were talking abt e MBTI.
She says that over the years, her personality type takes on different roles in different settings.
She's ENTP. But i've seen her go ENTJ (i worked for her for abit) and yet other times, ENFP, etc ...

A close friend's dad who's also immensely successful, swings from INFP to ISTJ when he's putting the pedal to the metal and INTJ when he's thinking about abstract, complex thoughts.

This implies that while we have a base character type, the possibility to adapt is surely there.

This doesn't imply a change in INTJ, but merely a mask to put on for awhile. The same way learning a new language doesn't impair our mother tongue, but enhances our ability to communicate.

Was reading
"Why do INTs minimize the effect of their behavior on others?"
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

and I guess I relate to alot of the problems alot too. Hence this thread...

Well that's that for now. =) hope this turns out well

[lowbrass]

See my post in here (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) for some content to consider.

[blueback]

I think you've got a good idea there. I suppose the important question to ask is whether we should organize it and have people slip their ideas into the appropriate spot in the form or accumulate as many thoughts as possible and organize them later.

[Meyer]

I say just throw em out there at this point. We don't want to scare any potentially good ideas off because they don't fit into a box. I'll try and contribute some later, I have some numbers I have to crunch right now.

[orange]

This doesn't imply a change in INTJ, but merely a mask to put on for awhile.

a few years ago (highschool) I was a mast of using masks, not for social gain but for social distance. while I could fool almost anyone I kept finding more and more people that could see the truth of who I was. using masks that make you go outside of your comfort zone would be extreamly difficult to master.

I get along with just about everyone. there are sevral people that think I am their firend, but I hate them. I dont even lie to pull that off! What I do is very simple and in some ways plays to our strengths. Its more of a how i get allong with everyone than how to break social barriers (cause I dont... if you want a conversation with me than you better start it).

ok, trying to put it to words, but i cant really do that so this is very rough.

setp 1: annalize the person to find out what type of responce will work on them (logic, emotional, etc...). of cource there is more to annalize befor you figure out how to impliment that type of responce but as INTJs most of you should figure that out fairly quickly. while you are annalizing give middle of the road kind of washy responces os to not cause conflict befor you know how to address them.

step 2: even if you hate a person dont show it externally, put on a smile and suffer through it. if you are near them joke around with the talk to them as if they were a friend, yes... that means sit through their freeking small talk without getting visibly annoyed. Oh and conveniently have something else to do if they ever want to do anything ( we live in a busy world, theres always something to do), or tell them that you just dont feel like it. you can talk about how stupid they are later with people that you trust and feel the same way, or just mutter it to yourself when they walk away.

step 3: bite your toung! avoid topics you know will cause dissagreements and avoid cutting comments untill they actually become a friend.

setp 4: always be prepared to twist what you say to another meaning or reword it if what you say sets them off for whatever reason. ( that can even be made into a game with other NTs and can be quite entertaining)



you run into problems if you screw up setp 1 tho.

[Cyrus]

blueback:
I think you've got a good idea there. I suppose the important question to ask is whether we should organize it and have people slip their ideas into the appropriate spot in the form or accumulate as many thoughts as possible and organize them later.

I'm more for the idea of accumulating as many thoughts/methodologies as possible, then grouping them in categories.
Can always work on this as we go along.

I'm hoping other INTJs will see the efficacy of knowing how to be socially adept and contribute... it's a v v impt topic that I only recently realised.

ANYWAYS, this is what i've come up with. Noticed that it works pretty well.
The context is trying to make conversation with someone whom you have more of less decided to give a go at getting to know better, 1 to 1:

How to get along: (what I came up with for now)
- Warmth of tone. INTJs tend to have a 'clinical' tone of voice. A 'matter of fact', 'this is how it is' tone. Good for fact and business. Not good for people. Adjust your tone to convey warmth.
- Agreeableness. If your intention is to agree and build a relation/friendship, always try to flow with the point the person is making initially. If you do disagree, NOD, and bring up your objection as a sub point, “that’s interesting. But what do you think of [insert your point here]?”
Being agreeable ensures the continuation of a train of thought and allows a person to open up more of his/her inner world to you. This helps to build trust and eventually, friendship.
- Perception Management. How would the other person perceive my point? The way I want it to be, or something else? Be aware of this.
- Realise there is a point where you will end up talking too much. Many a times, there is ‘momentum’ in a conversation. Keep on talking and soon the other party will have nothing to say at all. In which case, it defeats the purpose of a 2 way conversation (which is the intention) and you'll probably end up with an awkward silence.
- Relationships/Friendships are built on trust. Trust is built on multiple interactions that turn out favourably with the person. (Favourably... defined as the person opening up to you more, (vice versa), finding common ground, exchanging healthy points of view, sharpening thoughts)
- *Adjust your behaviour to suit the other person. Do what they do. Adjust to their ‘frequency’. If they don’t swear, then you don’t too. If they’re generally more soft spoken, be so too. If they’re loud, do the same. Know that you can’t always be yourself, other than with a few people close to you.
Adapt to the other person!
- THINK before you talk. Form the sentence in your mind, before you blurt it out. The more you unnecessary words you have to say to make the same point, the worse the impression you give. Be succinct.


That's all for now. Hope this doesn't sound to "duh" to the other more adept peeps out there.

Cy

[The Rose]

Smile - the easiest secret weapon in the arsenal of human relations

A smile makes you approachable. It sets people at ease. Makes them feel liked.
Then, when they like you back, you feel liked.

[mettlemunky]

wow - what a rad topic and so timely for me personally. a new little INTJ has recently begun at my work and already; a) nearly everyone hates her, and b) she is (quite rightly, but unwisely), openly criticising everyone. I want to help her cos she's the only person there who i don't have to dumb down my conversation for.

i don't know lots about schmoozing but i have learned a few things. i think we just need to remember a few important points to succeed in our organisations.

before i say anything else i will say, INTJs are supposed to be good at seeing thru people and i personally think that's the main ability you need to deal effectively with other people - i think the reason many INTJs fail at human relations is not a lack of ability but because we don't actually CARE.

so, the point i have well and truly learned is: fake some care.

(but keep it simple or you will start screwing it up).

Most human beings are just vain and needy. They don't care about solving problems. That isn't what they want from you. They want you to make them look/feel good. You know you CAN do this, you just need to see the benefit in so doing.

here's the key motivation - when people answer your little questions about how their work and life is going, and yes they want a coffee and please make it in this specific way you need to think of the situation in 'project' terms. think about how your 2 minute indulgence of their self-absorption is sending you upwards in their esteem. A little fake nice and a little effort into remembering what matters in others' lives and their lovers/childrens/dogs names could get you everywhere. you ARE ACHIEVING something in this seemingly wasted time. JUST think about the fact that you are achieving something (called promotion prospects) and it'll make you feel good and then you'll be able to face doing it again tomorrow! It becomes its own reward! It will also help that your colleagues feel well disposed to you once you become their boss. So make simple gestures with everyone rather than concentrating on a few people (who will then frighten you with invitations to 'do' something outside of work one time).

[Solaris]

ENTs do it all the time. We don't care about these people any more than you do, we just hide it better because we have this contradicting desire to be around people (but then they annoy us because they are stupid), yet are more interested in their uses than the actual people. However, I think we are probably more successful at finding people we can tolerate because we are more comfortable interacting with people.

I actually like people, but that doesn't mean I care about them. To put it another way, I like people the way scientists enjoy observing their favorite specimen. Also like a scientist, I sometimes develop an attachment to the specimen.

[The Rose]

ENTs do it all the time. We don't care about these people any more than you do, we just hide it better because we have this contradicting desire to be around people (but then they annoy us because they are stupid), yet are more interested in their uses than the actual people. However, I think we are probably more successful at finding people we can tolerate because we are more comfortable interacting with people.

I actually like people, but that doesn't mean I care about them. To put it another way, I like people the way scientists enjoy observing their favorite specimen. Also like a scientist, I sometimes develop an attachment to the specimen.LOL!! :laugh: That was entertaining!

[mettlemunky]

If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), Observer, Jan. 15, 1950

[Lucid]

This is a good topic idea. It's something I've been thinking about a lot in the past few months. It really bothers me that I have so much trouble with interpersonal communication. Especially when I'm self-confident, skilled, educated, etc. etc. etc.
What I've noticed is that in relaxed situations I usually do pretty well and as a result I have a large number of good friends and a pretty extensive social network. In work situations, however, I find that I generally have to kind of grow on people.
And there are some situations I just can't seem to master at all. In class, for example, I'm always speaking up with a dissenting opinion or making a somewhat dark joke or criticizing someone's ideas and alienating a lot of people. Last semester I made what will probably be a permanent enemy of a guy in my reporting idea for telling him that his sensationalist and blown out of proportion project idea was sensationalist and blown out of proportion. I can't seem to help it when we have class discussions. I find that I can criticize friends or offer dissenting opinions without offending them, but for some reason, when a lot of people are watching me whatever I meant to say comes out wrong. If anybody has any advice about this (aside from think before you speak.. which I try to keep in mind but obviously isn't working) I'd appreciate the insight.

What I've found works (really well if you can pull it off and make it look sincere) is to take an interest in the other person (or appear to) and whatever they have to say. Nod your head while they talk to show that you are paying attention. Smile (but not too much or too widely. I find that the half smile works well in most occasions if you also use your eyes).
Ask them about their children. If they talk about their kids a lot when you ask, ask if they have pictures of their children. Then exclaim (but make sure you don't over do it) over their pictures. When you see their children talk about how big they are (the kids, that is) and how much they've grown since the last time you saw them. Make comments along the lines of, "He/she's going to break all the boys'/girls' hearts in a few years!" To us it sounds cheesy and insincere and possibly embarrassing to the child, but most people lap this kind of thing up in my experience.
If the person you're talking to is a stranger, ask them questions about themselves. Be careful not to sound like you're prying. If they tell you something about themselves that you have a story about from your personal life, maybe tell the story if it's not too long or inappropriate.
People love to talk about themselves. That's the easiest way to do it. Ask them what they're drinking and that will start a conversation about drinks that will give you both the opportunity to share your opinions.
Don't cuss until you hear them do it. Don't tell a crass or off color joke until they do. Don't criticize. If they have something stuck in their teeth, don't tell them.

A few months ago a very social friend of mine had a birthday party at which would be her family, her boyfriend's family, co-workers, a few people that she and I know in common, and some friends of hers that I didn't know at all. In fact, most of the people at the party were going to be people I didn't know. And it was a big party. I was so intimidated that I almost didn't go. But I decided to try it as a social experiment. Her mother is Native American and she also happens to date a lot. So I asked her about the Lakota language (which I was genuinely interested in) and she loved telling me. I asked her who she was dating and she told me all about the new guy. I asked her how she managed to date so many awesome guys and some other dating tips. By the end of the night she loved me. The mother of my friend's boyfriend was also there. I know her a bit because I've been friends with her son since high school, but I'm shy around parents of my friends for some reason (left over from highschool I think). She brought a bottle of wine. I like wine. So I made a point to talk to her about wine. I asked her about her boyfriend and about her business. When she left we were fast friends.

And although I don't really care about my friend's mom's boyfriend or my co-workers kids, it is nice to be friendly with people and if you look at it that way (and also as a kind of game or challenge), it can be genuinely fun and enjoyable.

[med2006]

I think this is a great idea.

Perhaps some of us have read or could read books on networking/schmoozing and or coping skills for introverts and provide our opinions or discuss whether or not the strategies suggested in the books have worked for us.

There are a couple of books that might be useful. The first is the classic Dale Carnegie’s HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE.

The other book that might be useful is THE INTROVERT ADVANTAGE by Marti Olsen Laney. It might be a little touchy-feely for some of us but it may have some useful suggestions.

[Learning]

Tired of being misunderstood? People generally think you're scary? Difficult to talk to? Unapproachable? Cold? I can relate to... not compromising our integrity/who we are...I'm bugged by the fact that I somehow intimidate people, even though I do my best to smile and be friendly...it takes bloody forever for my good intentions to come across to other people.
...definitely relate to this frustration. It really boggled me for a good while, too, until I learned about MBTI! I also agree that it can be a concern & a tough call to discern when my integrity would be compromised by being falsely affable. Your next point is super valid in addressing that.


...we live in a world where we inherently need other people to survive (think about who baked your bread in the morning or who hired you...),... Getting along with people is like having extra hands and legs. Alot more can get done with alot less energy. Thus, it's highly efficient to learn to get along well with people!
...appreciate this perspective. It is positive goal oriented, and humane. (I do wish it were easier:cry:.) It's definitely going to take some work, commitment, and probably some support (i.e.-via this forum).


We are competent and highly intelligent individuals, but we clam up too much...and from the PersonalityPage, 'On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life.' Part 2: This implies that while we have a base character type, the possibility to adapt is surely there. This doesn't imply a change in INTJ, but merely a mask to put on for awhile. The same way learning a new language doesn't impair our mother tongue, but enhances our ability to communicate.
This (the Personality Page quote) is something I've been working on already because of the first point...being misunderstood. I think if I can explain/communicate better where I'm coming from, it leaves less to misinterpretation. (That of course, without rants ;).) The possibility of growing sounds rewarding although something that won't happen overnight or w/o effort.

btw- you've probably already done this, but perhaps do a search thru the other threads to see what's out there to sandwich it all together? there's one on small talk that might be helpful. Best of Luck!

[thod]

The INT's detach themselves from a problem and its solution. Any INT given the same data and options would make the same decision. How the INT himself feels about the solution is not important, its the correctness of the decision.

This is not how most people operate. To them its all how about something makes them feel. So the INT could look at the problem of the hungry and decide the solution is shoot them. Most people would say "this makes me feel bad, if I feed them then I feel good". The solution to them is clear. This is exactly the opposite of the INT. They seek detachment from problems in order to be impartial. For example

Last semester I made what will probably be a permanent enemy of a guy in my reporting idea for telling him that his sensationalist and blown out of proportion project idea was sensationalist and blown out of proportion.

Now analyse this in terms of their framework, you have made him feel bad, he doesnt like you. The others saw you made him feel bad and they like you less too. You didnt win, you made a bad move, socialy. Talking about facts leaves them cold, neutral, they will leave you for something more interesting.

So if the INT was to talk about shirts, it would focus on the average shirt, variations, popularity by region and history etc. All of this is white noise to them. You should be talking about his shirt and how you admire his style, compare him to his idols etc. Remember he sees things in terms of how they make him feel and you need to make him feel good. The INTs are always going on about intelligence because this allows them to consider more data and make better decisions providing a ranking. Most people couldnt care less about it because they are defining the world in terms of intensity of emotions. They are not interested in the correctness or not of a decision.

[Cyrus]

Was thinking about the general organisation of the information here.
(We'll org it more as more info comes along yea?)

Came up with 2 main categories:
[please feel free to contribute any more ideas for categorisation for all our benefit]

(1) Perspective/Paradigm/Philosophy shifts:
Most of our 'hell with you...fool' comes from our natural philosophy of, "competent or incompetent. works or doesn't work?"
"If it doesn't work. then bloody change it. duh."

If we can shift our paradigm, pple would be easier to deal with.
The question is... 'what to shift it to?' or how do we shift it towards a more humanistic, catering to people, type of philosophy. (yes yes, for tt moment only. don't worry. ;D)

Eg: It is efficient to have a network of people.
Being good with people = highly competent
"What makes them tick? Be interesting to figure them out"

(2) Putting legs to "(1)".
What are the tools we can use?
How is human nature wired & how do we adapt to the rules and 'play the game right?'

In a nutshell, generally, people have a basic nature and tendencies we all like. Now how do we push those 'hmm. i like him/her' buttons, Instead of the 'dammit! what's his/her problem' button?

[The Rose]

...
A few months ago a very social friend of mine had a birthday party at which would be her family, her boyfriend's family, co-workers, a few people that she and I know in common, and some friends of hers that I didn't know at all. In fact, most of the people at the party were going to be people I didn't know. And it was a big party. I was so intimidated that I almost didn't go. But I decided to try it as a social experiment. Her mother is Native American and she also happens to date a lot. So I asked her about the Lakota language (which I was genuinely interested in) and she loved telling me. I asked her who she was dating and she told me all about the new guy. I asked her how she managed to date so many awesome guys and some other dating tips. By the end of the night she loved me. The mother of my friend's boyfriend was also there. I know her a bit because I've been friends with her son since high school, but I'm shy around parents of my friends for some reason (left over from highschool I think). She brought a bottle of wine. I like wine. So I made a point to talk to her about wine. I asked her about her boyfriend and about her business. When she left we were fast friends.

And although I don't really care about my friend's mom's boyfriend or my co-workers kids, it is nice to be friendly with people and if you look at it that way (and also as a kind of game or challenge), it can be genuinely fun and enjoyable.This is precisely what I suggested before which I learned from How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. You don't have to have a lot to say yourself. You only need to ask other people about themselves, and allow them to talk about what they're interested in. You found a commonality of interest with both people. This allowed the conversation to be interesting to yourself as well. Good job!

[Cyrus]

This is precisely what I suggested before which I learned from How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. You don't have to have a lot to say yourself. You only need to ask other people about themselves, and allow them to talk about what they're interested in. You found a commonality of interest with both people. This allowed the conversation to be interesting to yourself as well. Good job!

I have the book and am reading it. It's easy to understand & digest etc.
The main thing is the practical, 'operational' aspects of applying these techniques.
Eg: Going about finding a topic of common interest with other people;
Making small talk on conversation you have no interest in/no knowledge about, etc.

What do you do when you have little common ground with the person?

I'm trying to get at the point that there's quite abit more work wrt the internalisation of Canegie's book and also alot more beyond what he has outlined as well, good as it is. =)

Cy

[The Rose]

I have the book and am reading it. It's easy to understand & digest etc.
The main thing is the practical, 'operational' aspects of applying these techniques.
Eg: Going about finding a topic of common interest with other people;
Making small talk on conversation you have no interest in/no knowledge about, etc.

What do you do when you have little common ground with the person?

I'm trying to get at the point that there's quite abit more work wrt the internalisation of Canegie's book and also alot more beyond what he has outlined as well, good as it is. =)

CyThough I read it over 20 years ago, I have always remembered the illustration he gave about having a conversation with someone and asking them about their interests though he didn't know much on the subject. Afterward he was declared to be a great conversationalist though the other person had done most of the talking. (Was it a little girl, and sailing? I forget the details.)

I learned his principles because I was in business for myself and I needed them in order to be successful in sales and customer service.

In answer to your question - What do you do when you have little common ground with the person? - it depends on why I'm talking to them. If I want to continue talking to them because I want their business, then I will ask them questions, let them do most of the talking, and tolerate the conversation with as good an attitude as possible, hoping in the end to achieve my purpose. If I don't have a reason for the relationship, I probably won't pursue conversation because that's just the way I am.

I know people of other types who love meeting and talking to people just for the sheer joy of it, but I am not that way.

[Cyrus]

Hello all, ( I suppose this thread's been dead for awhile)

Been thinking about this topic of schmoozing and getting along w people in general.

Was talking to a fellow intj who is v similar to me in profile strength. We both share a similar perspective wrt people and thus, similar challenges also.

(btw, anyone else find the new avatar requirements annoying?)

I realised that a good bulk of the challenges come from our (I speak for myself from here on…) perspective of communications. Our focus by default is, "does this work? if it doesn't then, do something about it. No idea how? Well here's my suggestion because [insert a a logically perfect explanation + analysis + causality study]"

(Why The Communication Gap: )
In other words, we're interested in the soundness of arguments, validity of data and sharpness of analysis. With this perspective, emotion and how people feel don’t matter at all, and in fact are a huge hindrance to being correct.
However, most people focus on the emotion, being politically correct, how other people feel about what they’re going to say (it surprised me when I realised this hypothesis was actually very true most of the time) and thus, how to say something in a politically neutral manner – even if it means that they don’t get their entire point across.
Nutshell: There’re 2 parts to the communication. The data and it’s soundness. The delivery and other people’s feelings. We focus on data and soundness and the whole delivery part = “It’s just the way that this world is made and I have no choice but to put my idea across through the linear medium called language”.
If I could beam my idea into the other person’s head, I would do it. Faster, gets the point across better, saves time.
We need to realise that there're 2 aspects of communication. Most people inevitably focus on the delivery then the data. Since we do the opposite, we need to make it a point to consider other people's perception of our message and structure it accordingly. Most likely, using abit more drama, rounding our pronunciation (intjs almost always speak with a rather structured tone as compared to NF types. go verify :) )...

(How I’m Beginning To Work On It)
Have a good friend who’s entj. He’s got incredible perception of people. He can read how a person is like by, what he/she is wearing, how they walk, dress, etc.
Eg: We have a friend who _never fails_ to doll herself up (if it’s not make up, she’s 'well dressed'. The shorts are short and the top is relatively low and fitting). When she carries her lap top (and all her accessories, bag, purse, etc), it kinda sticks out in a “help me carry this” manner. And this “help me” is a common theme in most things.
Analysis: She doesn’t want to do things on her own. If she can get other people’s help and put in less effort, she’ll do it, even if it means dependence. In fact she wants someone to depend on to take care of her. Questions self worth and ability to get things done. Worries about how people think about her.

Friend B, is short, but never ever wears heels out of work. Always looks like she just got out of bed without really thinking about dressing up. Straight A student all her life. Always busy w work, overloads herself in fact. Carries accessories in a “no problem, this is mine” manner. Wears a classy silver watch that stands out from the “I just hopped into these clothes st out from bed” look.
Analysis: Independent. Values self sufficiency. Wants people to treat her fairly according to her competence. Values her work ethic. Afraid to disappoint people she's working with and expects people to do the same with her. “My name is my brand I live up to it”. Watch stands out: Probably given to her by someone important to her, likely as a present, possibly implying people close to her are important.

I have the problem of coming across as insincere when I try to make conversation with some people. Insincere = Trying to be interested when I’m not.

Problem: Not interested in people once I realise they’ve got no brains and thus aren’t worth the time.

Solution: Become interested in them, not as a person, by in the analysis of their behaviour, what it might tell me about them. Gathering data about a certain type of person. How their experiences might have shaped their world view. What’s important to them what’s not, thus, which are their buttons to make them do stuff. How to adjust to them in order to communicate my point better.

Nutshell: Become interested in people by using my analytical skills. I realised that I can’t change my intj _need_ for soundness and analysis. Thus, I view people as data and try to analyse them. it makes me interested in them and thus, I come across as sincere. Similar approach for social interactions; In the process, we also learn more about human behaviour and relations. Each encounter is an experiment and we learn from it each time and become better.

Heads Up!
The whole focus on people thing will make your head explode if u do it for too long and you will want to bite everyone's head off when you past the limit! =)

[Solaris]

Been thinking about this topic of schmoozing and getting along w people in general.

I think what you've done here is highlight a fundamental difference between INTJs and ENTJs. I constantly analyze others, what everything about them means about who they really are (not just who they are presenting). It took me years to step back and analyze my self to the same level. Reading and understanding others has not historically been my problem (even when they are emotional, I understand they are just emotional people, and perhaps why they got into that state...but don't ask me to be so understanding of my own emotional states). I am usually able to get a good sense of a person quickly, but it takes me much more time to fully process "self" stuff.

So, kudos to you for seeing where your weakness lies, finding a way to use your strengths to work on it, and following through with good results.

[RedOwen333]

Do I understand the problem here:

I am not interestred in person 'a', but may need to be in order to become their friend and therefore benefit from knowing them, and therefore improve my life.

The solution being proposed is correct: 'Pretend' to be interested in person 'a' with the aim of discovering more about people in general, therefore learning how to become a better socialiser, therefore improving my life.

I would venture to suggest that this is being genuinely interested in people. There is no difference. Neiztche said: 'You may lie with your mouth but with your mouth you make as you do so you none the less tell the truth'.

As far as I'm concerned there is no difference between caring about someone and pretending to care so well that they feel cared about. Its the same thing. You will get the same results.

The only difference will be in whether you are also, at the same time, caring about yourself. This is equally important, and again, the same principle applies. I can pretend to care about myself and fool MYSELF into thinking I love me, and become someone who genuinely cares for themself, because there is no real 'genuine' at work, it either is or it isn't.

Without wishing to extoll all the virutes of NLP, I think that this element of it really does work.

[Cyrus]

RedOwen333, I presume that this is the "fake it till you internalise it" approach. I understand tt perspective, though I realised that the most important point is really "how" one pretends. IE: Is the perceptual framework correct?
Eg: There's someone I'm really not interested in. Thus to be interested, I need to short circuit the 'don't waste my time' perception and replace it with 'figure him/her out'.
Once the correct perceptual tool is in place, then the "fake it till you internalise it" approach begins to work excellently. (i'd call it practice? =) )

The difference is subtle, but absolutely vital. It's the difference between suppressing something well (it's still there, but getting squished) and actually growing into another trait/strength. The same way we suppress some hurts and they somehow fester inside till we unroot them deliberately.

Solaris:
Actually, I believe I read one of your posts previously where you mentioned how u as an ENTJ you analyse people like test subjects. Somehow that drew the link btw u and my ENTJ best mate who does pretty much the same thing as you. From there it was the difference in finding how to shift the NTJ outward instead of inward. So yes, thank u =)
Btw, just curious, are you a boarder line extrovert?