Does a woman's sex drive fall after marriage?

[Jinxu]

In 2006, the BBC reported: "A woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship. Researchers from Germany found that, four years into a relationship, less than half of 30-year-old women wanted regular sex." There's still a steady stream of such stories, news reports suggesting that women go off sex. All over the world, researchers are scurrying around to try to pin down the cause. Is it to do with hormones, or brain chemistry? Is it part of an evolutionary legacy? But there's no doubt it happens, and everyone knows it. It has entered our marital folklore and become an accepted part of our personal dynamics. Hang around a pub for long enough and you'll hear the jokes about the fallout, the sexually starved men.

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:shocked: Any thoughts?

[rickster]

One conclusion you can draw from that is that 50% of German men quickly deteriorate from studs to duds.

And end up in pubs, telling lies and drinking their inadequacies away.

[Jinxu]

One conclusion you can draw from that is that 50% of German men quickly deteriorate from studs to duds.

And end up in pubs, telling lies and drinking their inadequacies away.

Really? And what do you based your conclusion on?

[rickster]

Really? And what do you based your conclusion on?

Oops I forgot the emoticon. It was: :huh:, which is a reasonable INTJ response to "research findings" with no conclusions, except a suggestion that perhaps a woman needs to be replaced every four years

All over the world, researchers are scurrying around to try to pin down the cause.

Mazel tav. Much more important than that boring old cure for cancer shit.

Hang around a pub for long enough and you'll hear the jokes about the fallout, the sexually starved men.

Ah yes. Veritably the foundation of all scientific research for the tabloid reader.

[Jinxu]

Oops I forgot the emoticon. It was: :huh:, which is a reasonable INTJ response to "research findings" with no conclusions, except a suggestion that perhaps a woman needs to be replaced every four years

I'll take your "non-answer" to mean you based your conclusion on nothing. To tell you the truth, I didn't expect you to give any. ;P

[smabers]

I was going to say that women don't like to have sex as much as men do, but then I realized it was not a nice thing to say.

[Hctim]

I don't know whether you're a male or not, but why is it assume men's don't do something similar, if you were in a realtionship for 4 years would you still want sex with the same person you had sex with last time, and however many times before that. I'm not saying thats a fair point of view, i'm just mentioning it AS a point of view.

[Jinxu]

I don't know whether you're a male or not, but why is it assume men's don't do something similar, if you were in a realtionship for 4 years would you still want sex with the same person you had sex with last time, and however many times before that. I'm not saying thats a fair point of view, i'm just mentioning it AS a point of view.

Good question. Why don't we ask some of the older married men and women on this forum about their experience?

[Nemesis]

:shocked: Any thoughts?

Yes! Find a primary source from a peer reviewed academic journal.

There are many people who study patterns of sexuality and tonnes of good primary literature on the topic. Your source is an internet tabloid that is citing a BBC article from 3 years ago that cited one measly study (kinda like a game of telephone). If you click onto the source's main page you see that it is primarily focused on celebrity gossip and fashion tips. It's hard to take this source seriously at all.

Jinxu, I frequently peek at your threads and I find that for many of the human sexuality topics you are interested in, there are loads of very solid research articles out there to answer your questions. Please go to Pubmed and search the name "David Buss". He does research I think you would be very interested in.

[Jinxu]

Yes! Find a primary source from a peer reviewed academic journal.

There are many people who study patterns of sexuality and tonnes of good primary literature on the topic. Your source is an internet tabloid that is citing a BBC article from 3 years ago that cited one measly study (kinda like a game of telephone). If you click onto the source's main page you see that it is primarily focused on celebrity gossip and fashion tips. It's hard to take this source seriously at all.

Jinxu, I frequently peek at your threads and I find that for many of the human sexuality topics you are interested in, there are loads of very solid research articles out there to answer your questions. Please go to Pubmed and search the name "David Buss". He does research I think you would be very interested in.

The article is based on a interview with a sex therapist named Bettina Arndt. As far as I can tell she sounds credible:

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I can say I have had some married men tell me the same complaint about not having no sex after getting married. So it's a real issue. Question is what's the cause? A scientific study will just give statistic. if that's what you need then it's fine, but what about an explanation. I find it's sometime better to ask for people's experiences about relationship issues then to ask a scientist. They are the one who's gonna give a more detail story.

On a side note, one woman has suggested that it's not marriage, but after having kids was when her sex drive plummeted. She think it is due to hormonal changes.

Also, I'm not sure what you mean by my "many human sexuality threads." This is like the first one I've posted about sex. :huh:

[rickster]

I don't know whether you're a male or not, but why is it assume men's don't do something similar, if you were in a realtionship for 4 years would you still want sex with the same person you had sex with last time, and however many times before that. I'm not saying thats a fair point of view, i'm just mentioning it AS a point of view.

Exactly. It's no secret that sex falls off in most relationships. It's no great revelation that contentment and general happiness replace neurotic sex if it was a component early in a happy relationship.

OP is tabloid rubbish which implies regular horny guys stay being regular horny guys despite being stuck with an undersexed female. My heart goes out to the poor bastards...:rolleyes:

This just in: regular horny homosexual guys don't always stay being regular horny homosexual guys too long into a relationship either. Hope it's not because we're really women after all, and suffering from the same as-yet-unstudied tragic "condition" that the German "researchers" have brought to our attention!:laugh:

[Nemesis]

I can say I have had some married men gave me the same complaint about not having no sex after getting married. So it's a real issue. Question is what's the cause? A scientific study will just give statistic, but what about an explanation. I find it's sometime better to ask for people's experience about relationship issues. They are the one who's gonna give a more detail story.

On a side note, one woman has suggested that it's not marriage, but after having kids was when her sex drive plummeted. She think it is due to hormonal changes.

Also, I'm not sure what you mean by my "many human sexuality threads." This is like the first one I've posted about sex. :huh:

When I refer to human sexuality, I'm referring to topics of attraction and gendered patterns of attraction and as well. I should have been more clear about that.

Scientific studies don't just crap out stats, there is ample interpretation and explanation of the data done by the researchers. That is kind of the point of doing the research in the first place. You are missing out on a shit load of insight by avoiding it.

Of course it's always cool to ask people through a medium such as this. But, how well do you think you can generalize what you learn here to the population at large? You are asking a very narrow segment of people. Again, that's all fine and good, but it prevents you from viewing the bigger picture for what it is.

[Jinxu]

When I refer to human sexuality, I'm referring to topics of attraction and gendered patterns of attraction and as well. I should have been more clear about that.

Scientific studies don't just crap out stats, there is ample interpretation and explanation of the data done by the researchers. That is kind of the point of doing the research in the first place. You are missing out on a shit load of insight by avoiding it.

Of course it's always cool to ask people through a medium such as this. But, how well do you think you can generalize what you learn here to the population at large? You are asking a very narrow segment of people. Again, that's all fine and good, but it prevents you from viewing the bigger picture for what it is.

I didn't say I don't read scientific papers. People can sometime give explanations and insights that scientists may have missed. It does happen. On top of that some scientific research being done are just dumb and some time they just do it wrong.

One example recently: Wearing red may make you more attractive. How is that an important research and is that even right? So I look into how it was done: giving people a picture of a woman wearing a blue dress or a red dress. Those are limited choice, the experiment should have been to give them multiple pictures of different color dresses to choose from. Of course people are gonna choose red over blue. Red just stands out more. My conclusion about that experiment is wearing red is not always gonna make you sexier. What is more important would be to dress in colors that look good on you instead of what some scientist say.

I am as cautious about reading scientific papers as I am reading articles. Why? Because some scientists are just idiots. Not all, just some. Not to mention that most scientist are usually NT types, and as you know those are not the best types to ask about human relationships.

[thod]

if you were in a realtionship for 4 years would you still want sex with the same person you had sex with last time,

This is the difference though. Men physically produce semen and if left in place it floods their bodies with hormones. Full balls means he will notice every woman that passes, there will an increase in aggression etc. This is much like your desire to eat is strong when hungry but vanishes once you are stuffed. Thus the guy may not particularly desire sex with his partner, but he will have a desire to empty to his balls. The mental effects are designed to facilitate this. Men don't understand why women's psyche changes at menstruation, they have never experienced it so it remains an intellectual concept to them, likewise for women on this issue.

[Nemesis]

I didn't say I don't read scientific papers. People can sometime give explanations and insights that scientist may have missed. It does happen. On top of that some scientific research being done are just dumb and some time they just do it wrong.




I would definitely agree with that 110%.

Back to the topic at hand, what would you estimate to be the cause of declining sex-drive?

[Jinxu]

I would definitely agree with that 110%.

Back to the topic at hand, what would you estimate to be the cause of declining sex-drive?

Not sure, if one woman's account that it's due to having kids is true, then I would say there's two possible causes:

1) hormonal changes
2) stress from raising a child
3) or both

Four years, as stated in the article, is more than enough time for a man to knock up his wife. ;D

[MadmanMSU]

On a side note: there might be some interesting findings for the same study done on homosexual couples. Makes you wonder if there would be any similarities/differences.

[blatant]

most women aren't in touch with their sexuality anyways and don't see it as something that's there for their pleasure (feminist chauvinist pigs).

and if you add in the fact that most guys aren't very good in bed... well. *ahem*

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When I was married, I only wanted it about once a week. My husband wanted it more often, and I was happy to satisfy him with sex 2-3 times/week, but I only wanted to climax once a week. Because when I'm not truly turned on, trying to climax is just a hassle, plus routinely having more orgasms than my body wants makes it impossible for me to EVER have a truly good orgasm. My husband was bothered by this--he wanted me to be massively turned on and to climax every time. I was bothered by it too, but unfortunately a woman cannot control her sex drive. He was convinced I was not attracted to him. That wasn't true. I loved him and I thought he was gorgeous. I still do, even though we're divorced now.

After we got divorced, I filled the sexual void in my life with erotica and a vibrator. And, WOW, did I discover a few things. First of all, on a purely physical level, I'm not sure any man can compete with a vibrator. The weakest orgasm I've had with a vibrator is about 2-3 times stronger than any I've had with a live partner. And reading erotica showed me what turned me on, and what had been missing from my sex life--I'm sexually submissive and I absolutely must have a dominant partner. My husband was also submissive. If we did a woman-on-top position, he would be so turned on he'd climax in 10 seconds. I cannot climax at all in that position. I loved my husband, but we were a sexual mismatch, each needing the other to take the lead in bed.

The erotica and vibrator sent my sex drive through the roof. I was wanting it 5-6 times per week, sometimes multiple times a day. A year later, I still want it that often. Occasionally I go through a low-drive phase and need to abstain for a week or so to bring the drive back.

So I discovered I DO have a sex drive. But it takes a certain kind of partner to bring it out of hiding (in this case, a fantasy partner, though I still hope to find a real one who can turn me on). I suspect this is the case for many so-called "frigid" women. The female sex drive is complex and elusive and not under a woman's conscious control. If a woman's sex drive is low, it is likely to be a problem with the sex or with the relationship. With the right partner, that sex drive could come to life. I wish I knew more answers about how to make that happen.

Of course, anecdotal evidence is anecdotal evidence. But hey, isn't it still enlightening?


^___^V

[invicta]

I suggest that a man's sex drive falls after marriage as well. Familiarity breeding contempt and all.

[rickster]

On a side note: there might be some interesting findings for the same study done on homosexual couples. Makes you wonder if there would be any similarities/differences.

Been there - done that.:laugh:

It's EXACTLY the same. Desire "plateaus out" (as they nicely put it) and you either take a few more night courses or decide to screw around.

[themuzicman]

Married 25 years.

I think after we got married, we really started to understand who we really were. I got married at 18 (not recommended, BTW), and I didn't really know what my wife needed from me. So, when her relational needs weren't getting met, she wasn't interested in having sex with me.

As I started to understand and meet her relational needs, our sex life improved. After 25 years, I'd say sex now is as good as it has ever been.

So, I don't think it's a hormonal or evolutionary thing. I think it's an educational issue: Men don't understand women, and until they figure out what women need from their relationship with their husbands, it's going to be tough.

(This is actually a good case for refraining from sex until marriage. If you start out slow, and get better, you don't know the difference!)

[LPM]

I have only one data point on this and it agrees with the study. :(

[SelfMadeBum]

I find it incredibly hard to believe that any woman who has a fulfilling sex life, who truly enjoys sex with her mate would suddenly lose interest in it. Maybe the reason lies in whether these women are being fulfilled in the bedroom.

So blatant's post makes tonnes and tonnes of sense.

[Autoptic]

I remember that study. This link (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) is slightly better. I might find a better later.

Among men, libido held steady no matter how long they'd been in the relationship. Researchers provide an evolutionary explanation—women's sex drive is initially high to facilitate pair bonding. Meanwhile, desire for tenderness showed the opposite trend. Ninety percent of women craved tenderness, but of men who'd been in relationships for ten years, only 25 percent said they hoped for the same from their partner.

The men still wanted sex as much. Also, the women still wanted "tenderness" as much while the men didn't want as much.

[fiver]

It can just as easily go the other way around with women wanting more sex than men after marriage. Depends on lots of factors, I'd guess. It a much more complex issue than 5 bullet points in a pop psych journal.

[JustMel]

A lot of times after you get married the day to day living takes over and it's exhausting. Not just for women. Sometimes you get the mentality that "we're married I know s/he loves me so we can skip sex" and they tend to forget that you need that intimacy and closeness to maintain a relationship.

We make a point of getting away together at least one night a month. Sometimes it's just for dinner and a movie or sometimes it's to a hotel. There was almost a year where we didn't do anything because I was laid up but when everything was back to normal we went away for one week with the kids and a week without.

You also have women who try to use sex as a weapon against their husbands. I find this deplorable. The old "I'll cut you off if you don't" is not part of a healthy relationship.

[Seriously]

You also have women who try to use sex as a weapon against their husbands. I find this deplorable. The old "I'll cut you off if you don't" is not part of a healthy relationship.

I've known women who do that as well. Selfish and stupid.

Your sex drive is linked to a lot of things and it ebbs and flows. During my first marriage both my parents died, I had a child and we both had various times of unemployment. All these things are part of life and can cause a severe downturn in your interest in sex. My lack of interest at times wasn't because I was married, it was because there were things going on in our lives that took more priority than sex.

[smabers]

Your sex drive is linked to a lot of things and it ebbs and flows. During my first marriage both my parents died, I had a child and we both had various times of unemployment. All these things are part of life and can cause a severe downturn in your interest in sex. My lack of interest at times wasn't because I was married, it was because there were things going on in our lives that took more priority than sex.

I don't know about you, but my sex drive isn't linked to any things. That's the difference between men and women.

[Seriously]

I don't know about you, but my sex drive isn't linked to any things. That's the difference between men and women.


I guess you are right that is totally the difference between men and women. :rolleyes:

[alinafarace]

After marriage or before marriage, some one to make fun, enjoy and sex other one. Main think of it can just as easily go the other way around with women wanting more sex than men after marriage. Before marriage easily to fertility some one and much more satisfaction about sex.

Journal think of that this is life of part, everybody want to it!! But after person behavior what you want to it?

[smabers]

Ok, I think if women ever hold out on having sex because the garage is not clean, we can safely say that a women's sex drive falls after marriage.

[Latro]

Ok, I think if women ever hold out on having sex because the garage is not clean, we can safely say that a women's sex drive falls after marriage.
Or that some women are just manipulative...?

[blatant]

a little bird told me that most women aren't into sex b/c their husbands suck at it. ^_^V *cough cough cough*

[smabers]

Or that some women are just manipulative...?

Wrong. Their sex drives have fallen so low that they don't want to have sex for the pleasure of it. Instead they see it as something they can use to get the house clean.

I don't see why this is even a topic of discussion, everyone knows this happens. OF COURSE there are SOME women out THERE who like to have sex well into their retirement, but we're talking about most women here.

[Latro]

Wrong. Their sex drives have fallen so low that they don't want to have sex for the pleasure of it. Instead they see it as something they can use to get the house clean.

I don't see why this is even a topic of discussion, everyone knows this happens. OF COURSE there are SOME women out THERE who like to have sex well into their retirement, but we're talking about most women here.
INTJs have a tendency to question "common knowledge." So do a lot of other types.

[Almelia]

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An article dealing with the opposite.

[ni9e]

I find alot women desire more tenderness as their age progresses. Not always the case though. I know a few 60 yr. old women that were acting 40 yr. old "cougars." LOL It all depeds on the dynamics of each individualized relationship. Factors and variables collected through the years.

If you want any relationship to survive you have to treat your partner like the moment you fell in love with him/her. Keep it fresh. Respect each other. Most importantly show tenderness always, compassion, and compromise.

[smabers]

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An article dealing with the opposite.

Sensationalist linkbait article...

"There has been as steady trickle of women coming to me complaining that they are not getting enough sex," she said.

What about the unrelenting torrent of men who are complaining that their wives start making them clean the garage instead of having sex?

[DanteFalling]

Why do the men want sex?
Is it to orgasm, be closer to their partners, have a kid, not be bored, deal with an erection, get attention, gain physical intimacy, go to sleep well, play a game? etc.
How creepy is it to think there are "rules" of forced sex?
What do they mean in the study by the "sex? "
Is this anal, from behind, 6 hours long, missionary, oral, only the man's orgasm, 3 minutes, invasive to the female, only one person doing all of the work etc?
INT answer: if these women want to read, then why don't their partners let them read and then see if they're interested? Some books are great. My immediate reactions would be to leave the person alone, examine why I was asking/what ALL of my needs were, see if I was letting myself go (should walk off ten lbs at the gym/shave/floss, etc), find other ways to be in their life intimately, figure out if there were reasons to alleviate whatever impediments there were, wait for them to come to me, or entice them. Ask if they even want to be with me/ask what their sexual fantasies are, or if they haven't been having any why they think that is.
If the women in the study were reading, perhaps the men could be creative and ask the wives what kind of role-playing/romance they'd like to reenact, etc.
Also, women may have a more physically immediate fear of pregnancy.
If 60% of women are F-types, then perhaps they've just realized after 4 years how horribly disenchanted they are with the "losers" they are "stuck" with who insist on "rules" for sex.
Maybe the sex is painful or fricking boring. I'd try more communication before, during, and after sex. Maybe she wants to pull my hair, but is too afraid of ruining my masculinity image by saying so. Maybe she wants to have sex somewhere new, maybe she wants a shift in the workload of either life or sex or both (if you're always lying on your butt while she rides you/performs oral, then she might find it worthless or boring). She might be resentful you called her illogical yesterday/didn't listen to her directions/flirted with another potential sex partner, etc. Some people want to forgive each other by having sex and working things out later, others can bare having someone they find so "despicable" touching them.

Previous, uncited crap I've read always brings up that women and men work equal hours but tend to still favor women doing more handywork around the house as well as being the main parent. Maybe they're tired. Women are also the partners more likely to initiate divorce if I'm not mistaken. I wonder if that's connected.



Either partner infantilizing the other or forcing the other into an authority position in the relationship over sex, is damn disturbing to me (I'm not talking about S&M).
If two people know the garage has to be cleaned, they can either mutually make the decision to clean the garage first and then have kinky sex on the washer, or they can choose to have sex first and then clean it together when they're all hyped up on sex hormones. Problems seem to arise when they make decisions apart/manipulations/beg. I know I have to go to work today and I'm late, but please have sex with me, even though we haven't brushed the toddler's teeth yet!!!!

There are medical reasons people have varying levels of libido, but there are also pleasant little articles with logical fallacies such as appealing to the masses and then trying to make an article out of a small study in a foreign country that is going off of personally-reported information and then making an epidemic out of it as if people are hardwired that way, which (LOGICALLY!!!):P justifies swapping a mate every four years.

[PeterIMC]

It probably has a lot to do with masculinity. The less masculine a man is (in the eyes of a woman, in this case, the husband) the less interested she'll be to have sex. A man in a steady relationship has less need to show off to his wife, and so he'll appear less masculine to her.

When, for what ever reason, a man is in a situation where he does have to show off and thus appears more masculine, where his wife is present, she'll be all over him later on.

[JustMel]

For what it's worth and I know there will be dissenters here but of the women I know and have talked to throughout the years I've come to a couple of conclusions. Forewarned, there is no PC way to say this; not that I would try if there were.

Some women want tenderness in bed. Most of us at some point in time want slow, sweet and tender. However, this is not what they want all the time.

A couple I know were having sex issues and they were in the beginning stages of divorce talk. I asked them both why they were divorcing and he said "because I can't please her in bed" she said "because he won't listen to what I want in bed". Problem/solution time. She said I want to be treated in the same respectful manner he has always treated me outside the bedroom but sometimes in the bedroom I want to be treated like a Saturday night hooker. I knew what she meant. He did not.

A lot of men seem to think that women always want soft and fuzzy. Not true. There are times for soft and sweet just as there are times you laugh with each other during sex. THERE ARE ALSO TIMES when "kiss me, lick me, suck me, finger me, fuck me" is in order. And OMG get over the issue of her lending a "helping hand" means you aren't doing the job. It's not that, it's that it feels good and we get a harder orgasm. You stroke and we'll strum and we'll both get there.

I said that to the couple and she said "exactly" and he said "I can't treat my wife like that in the bedroom" and she said "you did before I was your WIFE, so what the hell happened?"

[Jinxu]

THERE ARE ALSO TIMES when "kiss me, lick me, suck me, finger me, fuck me" is in order. And OMG get over the issue of her lending a "helping hand" means you aren't doing the job. It's not that, it's that it feels good and we get a harder orgasm. You stroke and we'll strum and we'll both get there.

In addition, women have some of the most perverted sexual fantasies I have ever heard of. If you had been told about some of them, you will not think of them as nice and sweet anymore.

Furthermore, some of the things that they want you to do in the bedroom will make you think every women is messed up in the head. :stunned:

[Silence]

Married 17 years, and it's all good. No lack of drive on either part, no lack of respect or sense of enjoyment. I think a healthy sex life isn't as mysterious to attain as people are thinking- I just wonder if they've forgotten how to play?

[JustMel]

Married 17 years, and it's all good. No lack of drive on either part, no lack of respect or sense of enjoyment. I think a healthy sex life isn't as mysterious to attain as people are thinking- I just wonder if they've forgotten how to play?

In a lot of cases probably but it's also about people not working on the relationship. 17 years--you know it takes work on both sides.

[Silence]

In a lot of cases probably but it's also about people not working on the relationship. 17 years--you know it takes work on both sides.

I guess it does, at that. It's the sort of work that's a pleasure, though.

[PAM]

When I was married, I only wanted it about once a week. My husband wanted it more often, and I was happy to satisfy him with sex 2-3 times/week, but I only wanted to climax once a week. Because when I'm not truly turned on, trying to climax is just a hassle, plus routinely having more orgasms than my body wants makes it impossible for me to EVER have a truly good orgasm. My husband was bothered by this--he wanted me to be massively turned on and to climax every time. I was bothered by it too, but unfortunately a woman cannot control her sex drive. He was convinced I was not attracted to him. That wasn't true. I loved him and I thought he was gorgeous. I still do, even though we're divorced now.

After we got divorced, I filled the sexual void in my life with erotica and a vibrator. And, WOW, did I discover a few things. First of all, on a purely physical level, I'm not sure any man can compete with a vibrator. The weakest orgasm I've had with a vibrator is about 2-3 times stronger than any I've had with a live partner. And reading erotica showed me what turned me on, and what had been missing from my sex life--I'm sexually submissive and I absolutely must have a dominant partner. My husband was also submissive. If we did a woman-on-top position, he would be so turned on he'd climax in 10 seconds. I cannot climax at all in that position. I loved my husband, but we were a sexual mismatch, each needing the other to take the lead in bed.

The erotica and vibrator sent my sex drive through the roof. I was wanting it 5-6 times per week, sometimes multiple times a day. A year later, I still want it that often. Occasionally I go through a low-drive phase and need to abstain for a week or so to bring the drive back.

So I discovered I DO have a sex drive. But it takes a certain kind of partner to bring it out of hiding (in this case, a fantasy partner, though I still hope to find a real one who can turn me on). I suspect this is the case for many so-called "frigid" women. The female sex drive is complex and elusive and not under a woman's conscious control. If a woman's sex drive is low, it is likely to be a problem with the sex or with the relationship. With the right partner, that sex drive could come to life. I wish I knew more answers about how to make that happen.

Hey just wanted to say that this posting was VERY affirming. You'll never believe how much so! I am an INFJ married to an INTJ. We have been married for nearly 17 years. I've always considered myself the "once married, always married" type. But to tell you the truth, I just want out!

My married life has been so lonely. And the sex life has been terrible. My INTJ doesn't talk much and is very much the submissive one in our sex life. I crave excitement and spontaneity, a dominant lover. But I've never had one.

From the beginning of our marriage on, our sexlife has been about once a month.

Our entire married life I have always felt plain and alone. On our wedding day, he carried me over the threshhod, plopped me down and went rummaging in the kitchen for something to eat. Never occurred to him that I had dreamed about this moment all of my life. (We INFJ's have such vivid imaginations!)

We have four children together. That's probably the only reason I am still with him. I don't want to destroy their worlds.

But he is just not what I want. I'm tired of the loneliness, lack of companionship, and complete lack of any sex life.

Sigh!

It was interesting to read that post above and see the dominant/submissive sexual traits defined. That is exactly the problem in our marriage. We are both submissive. I have a tremendous fear of rejection. And my INTJ apparently just has no sex drive.

[realJim]

Here's a joke to help clarify the amount of sex to expect as your relationship goes on.

A boy buys a condom - he tells the clerk he hope he gets lucky sometime soon.
A high school guy buys two condoms - he tells his friend he has a hot date
A college guy buys 5 condoms - he's planning a busy weekend
A married guy buys a 12 pack of condoms - he's stocked up for the year

[SeaCzar]

This thread reminds me of the joke, "What is a sure fire food to kill a woman's sex drive?"

Answer: "Wedding cake."

I am surprised that no one has addressed this question directly. The obvious answer here is good communication. Talk about each other's needs and wants and act accordingly. Its that simple, really.

[wotsamattaU]

My own personal experience on the topic goes like this:

Newly married - Great Expectations of a continual love fest!
Reality - Honeymoon fell during the Hockey Play Off Season.
There was a game on every. single. night. (and I'm a fan - but still...)

Our 1st few married months - Anticipated a continual love fest!
Reality -the mildest form of the pill triggered zero libido and nightly depression. Took a while before I made the connection. Could not figure out why though deeply in love, zero sex drive all of a sudden. Experimented with different prescriptions. This is just not working.

Our twenties - Anticipated sympatico sexual habits - frequent sex - wild abandon! Surely now we will have our continual love fest!
Reality - We worked opposite shifts. This worked very well for me (plenty of reflection time) but was harder on him (extroverted - desires my presence more keenly). Big downfall - never had the luxury of going to sleep or waking up together. Less opportunity for sex.

Early 30's - Envisioned us as a working partnership/friendship working towards the same goals - synchronicity in most if not all areas of our life.
Reality - Husband's sex drive goes through the roof. What the hell? Where did that come from? Is that all he ever thinks about?

Late 30's - Envision a continual love fest! Suddenly I'm feeling way more sexual. This is GREAT!
Reality - Husband's sex drive begins to wane. He's exhausted from work. Wonders what the hell has gotten into me.

40's - My sex drive is through the roof. Enjoying and desiring it now more than ever. Both of us continue to learn and experiment; quality is better than I ever could have imagined. Surely now we'll reach our continual love fest!
Reality - Husband's sex drive on the slide.

It is an irony of life that the timing of sexual peaks do not often coincide.

[JustMel]

I had an elderly lady I grew up around who was married to her husband for decades. I asked her the secret after my first divorce and she said, "be kind to one another, trust one another, respect one another, don't fall out of love with each other at the same time, and remember that when you've been married a while that sex changes. In the beginning it's like a fine meal, there are seven or eight courses to linger over and you savor all the new tastes and flavors it can take hours to finish the main course. As you get older the more it becomes like the value menu at McDonald's, quick and filling but good. Occasionally they add a new item to the menu and you try it out but most of the time, it's the steady as you go, stand by that you're comfortable with. The key is remembering those first meals and deciding to sit down to one now and again in the midst of the value menu."

[curiousgeorge01]

I had an elderly lady I grew up around who was married to her husband for decades. I asked her the secret after my first divorce and she said, "be kind to one another, trust one another, respect one another, don't fall out of love with each other at the same time, and remember that when you've been married a while that sex changes. In the beginning it's like a fine meal, there are seven or eight courses to linger over and you savor all the new tastes and flavors it can take hours to finish the main course. As you get older the more it becomes like the value menu at McDonald's, quick and filling but good. Occasionally they add a new item to the menu and you try it out but most of the time, it's the steady as you go, stand by that you're comfortable with. The key is remembering those first meals and deciding to sit down to one now and again in the midst of the value menu."

So the French cuisine becomes Mcdonald's? Nice...

Sounds like a smart lady. But yea I can't imagine sex ever being that incredible after a decade as you've most likely have tried everything already.

[themuzicman]

So the French cuisine becomes Mcdonald's? Nice...

Sounds like a smart lady. But yea I can't imagine sex ever being that incredible after a decade as you've most likely have tried everything already.

After you figure things out, sex becomes more about pleasing your partner with the things they enjoy than finding some new thing to try.

Although new locations can be fun. I think we've done it in every room except the kids' bedrooms, and more than a few places away from the house.

[Tough Love]

:shocked: Any thoughts?

I think half the problem is articles such as that, which make women believe its going to happen to them, and therefore fall into it very easily.




I can say I have had some married men tell me the same complaint about not having no sex after getting married.

Hehe you should hear what women complain about and rightly so....

[Jinxu]

Hehe you should hear what women complain about and rightly so....

Like what?

[Landrick]

If a fella's wife is "not interested" as much after marriage. Then she either was not that interested to begin with or he has turn it into a routine.

IMHO, women want mental stimulation. For guys, assuming everything is working right, just thinking about the possibility is enough. So, if the hubby is not providing excitement, she's probably turning to Harlequin or Zane.

[CJay]

If I feel loved and appreciated then I am all for sex. If I am upset and feeling hurt then don't touch me unless you want me to bite it off! Make me happy and I make him happy, oh soooooo happy! Most of the time he is happy and we have been married for 12 years. But there are times when I want it more then he does and then he thinks it is funny to make me wait.... to which he learned not to do or else he won't get any because I won't wait for him and take matters into my own hands and be asleep before he finally decides that I have waited long enough. You don't tell a horny woman to go wash the dishes while you play a video game and you will be in the bedroom in a couple of hours........ you get your butt up and get in that bedroom NOW damn it!!! He learned his lesson. :)

[lostandfound]

Speaking from experience, I don't think it's the woman's sex drive that diminishes. The drop in frequency is merely the symptom. The problem is lack of emotional intimacy. Counseling and discussion can only go so far though. I think the problem in my case was not my lack of sexual activity (I didn't really enjoy the constant rejection), it was her new partner I didn't know about.

[loosefanbelt]

Married 17 years, and it's all good. No lack of drive on either part, no lack of respect or sense of enjoyment. I think a healthy sex life isn't as mysterious to attain as people are thinking- I just wonder if they've forgotten how to play?

This was my experience - and I would say that it even got better over time. We learned things to make it better. We were not beyond being teachable - even continuing to read and research and grow in this area as we did in all others.

It seems that relationships are not static, either they progress positively or negatively... the choice is ours.

[Myth]

This is what I think. There are two causes

1. Children

2. Patriarchy

Its not by the magic of hormones or whatever- it is actually very straightforward. 85% of marriages produce children. Once children are into the picture, energy, including energy that could be used for sex, gets spent up on children. Children make sex fall.

Now, some energy might be left for sex, but generally women do much more housework than men even in the typical "egalitarian" relationship. So they're exhausted from work, housework, children, and then yes hormones do come in, but it isn't hormones initially.

That is my theory anyway, that and most people suck at communication and therefore can't maintain intimacy.

[jellygator]

My experience from 4 LTR is that with one exception, I started getting rebuffed when approaching the guys in my life. "I'm too tired" and all that jazz. Most of the time the relationship didn't reach the 4-year mark, but if I'd dealt with a couple more years of that, yeah, my libido would plummet.

[catzmeow]

In my 12-year marriage, it wasn't my sex drive that waned, it was his (but he was 9 years older). If anything, over the long term, if I feel loved and cherished, my libido is very high. If there are emotional problems, though, forget it.

[alphawolf]

Most men are insecure pussies that don't know how to handle nor do they understand women, plain and simple.

Unfortunately, for both parties, a lot of women get married to men who are romantically unsuitable for them due to all sorts of superficial reasons. *MONEY*

To be seduced by a man, a woman needs to submit to his psychological domination for a little while.

But first of all, the man needs to have the balls and charm to make unflinching attempts at psychological domination and seduction.

Secondly, the woman needs to respect and trust the man in order to allow herself to psychologically submit and be seduced by him. This won't happen if the man has been mistreating her in any way, because she has already lost her warm fuzzy for him. You see, when she loses her warm fuzzy for you, man, you have robbed yourself of her desire for you as well as your ability to make her orgasm.

[Wired]

This is what I think. There are two causes

1. Children

2. Patriarchy



This is not my experience, but it brings up a point linked to my experience.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have a 4.5 year old.

Guess when the frequency of sex diminished? Yep- about 4.5 years ago. Before the boy, we had sex at least once a day. (I intentionally shopped for a spouse with a similar sex drive, because some men do not want to have sex every day.)

At the onset of parenthood, our sex life dropped off. It's been stable, but much less frequent- 2-3x/week, sometimes as little as 1x/week. We talk about it frequently, and we acknowledge that it sucks, but it is what it is.

We can make time for sex, sure...but when sex and sleep are competing, sleep sometimes has to win. We both work, and we have a high-needs kid (thanks, heredity). Even with the boy on the cusp of kindergarten, he still takes up the majority of our time and energy. My husband probably does the bulk of the housework, but I'm teaching and in full-time graduate school. We're swamped.

Another important change, and one we're trying to fix- no sitter. This means we don't get to go out together. For me, intimacy came, in large part, from feeling like I "knew" him. We went out to a jam a couple of months ago, and it was incredibly eye-opening. We had conversations, we made fun of other musicians, and I got to see him play (for the first time since the boy was born). The next two weeks were great. So, we're hunting for a trustworthy sitter, knowing that it is part of the puzzle.

[Gahz]

First post in this forum, after a few days of lurking.

a little bird told me that most women aren't into sex b/c their husbands suck at it. ^_^V *cough cough cough*

This thread, particularly comments like this, give me the impression that the onus of maintaining the sexual side of the relationship falls almost entirely on the man. That's a lot of pressure. Since I don't suffer from illusions of grandeur, I'm slowly sinking into despair of ever having a truly satisfying sex life. I'm 22 and have only been in one real relationship (for over 4 years, though), which was something of a mismatch between libidos. So I'm hoping my views are just skewed by the small sample size.

[Tough Love]

Like what?

That sex becomes routine and lacks foreplay or imagination, meaning she finds it increasingly difficult to get wet, therefore not really enjoying sex and needing to find stimulation through other expressions of sexuality.

[themuzicman]

This thread, particularly comments like this, give me the impression that the onus of maintaining the sexual side of the relationship falls almost entirely on the man. That's a lot of pressure. Since I don't suffer from illusions of grandeur, I'm slowly sinking into despair of ever having a truly satisfying sex life. I'm 22 and have only been in one real relationship (for over 4 years, though), which was something of a mismatch between libidos. So I'm hoping my views are just skewed by the small sample size.

I wouldn't stress too much about having a quality sex life. Find a guy who is committed to meeting your every need and desire, and then tell him what you want in bed. The rest will happen.

[Gahz]

I wouldn't stress too much about having a quality sex life. Find a guy who is committed to meeting your every need and desire, and then tell him what you want in bed. The rest will happen.

I have no doubt of that. The problem is, I'm a heterosexual man. :) I should have been more clear in my initial post.

[themuzicman]

I have no doubt of that. The problem is, I'm a heterosexual man. :) I should have been more clear in my initial post.

Doh...

Well, what are you waiting for? Go find some hot chick who thinks like you do, sweep her off her feet, court her for all yer worth, and marry her.

[Gahz]

Doh...

Well, what are you waiting for? Go find some hot chick who thinks like you do, sweep her off her feet, court her for all yer worth, and marry her.

Sounds like a good plan. Problem is, according to some of this thread as well as the article that started it, this in itself won't solve my problem. Marriage could possibly even be counterproductive if an active sex life is something I'm worried about. Maybe if there is no wedding cake..

[themuzicman]

I think, as has been pointed out in this thread, if a husband (especially a new one) makes every effort to meet his wife's non-sexual relational and intimacy needs (and, yes, you need to make a point to learn what they are and how to meet them), that sexual intimacy will not only be a natural result, but something she will continue to desire to engage with you.

Of course, understanding her needs and desires sexually, and understanding how to meet those is important, as well.

[lechugita]

Mine has actually risen since marriage but it was already somewhat high to begin with. Sex is a great way to relieve excess anxiety.

[MartinH]

This is not my experience, but it brings up a point linked to my experience.
Another important change, and one we're trying to fix- no sitter. This means we don't get to go out together. For me, intimacy came, in large part, from feeling like I "knew" him. We went out to a jam a couple of months ago, and it was incredibly eye-opening. We had conversations, we made fun of other musicians, and I got to see him play (for the first time since the boy was born). The next two weeks were great. So, we're hunting for a trustworthy sitter, knowing that it is part of the puzzle.

This was huge for us - ours are now 9, 7 and 5, but we didn't get a sitter until we realised what was going on, when the second one was a baby and we hadn't been out for such a long time. Just like you say, it was like rediscovering each other.

We booked a regular day when the sitter comes and we *have* to go an and spend time. Works really, really well. It's like stopping being mum/dad, husband/wife and getting back to boyfriend/girlfriend for a while.