Relationships

[MadmanMSU]

Anyway, I would like to know what other people think about INTJ's in relationships. Specifically, do find yourself attracted to a particular type? Is there a type that you're attracted to, but perhaps another type you functionally work well with?

Furthermore, being a male INTJ and there being statistically so few NT's represented in the population in general, I've never really had the chance to get to know a female NT, let alone a female INTJ (whom I'm actually having coffee with tomorrow). What do you think the differences are between the sexes when it comes to NTs, or INTJs in particular?

[INTJgal]

I think the differentiating factor will be how heavily weighted each of the letters are (i.e. one could have a strong T, one a weak T and that would look very different).
Just be polite, but cut the crap and have a real discussion. Things will go fine.
INTJs are also the most traditional of the NTs, so she wouldn't look as extreme as an ENTx. She just might appear cold and aloof until you get her chatting. (But we know it's b/c she's got a lot going on in her head.)

[lowbrass]

Also, I might add: listen. Try your best not to be thinking about what you want to say, before you say it. Ask questions and listen, and only then formulate a response. Believe me, it helps to lessen the burden.

[Meyer]

Based on my limited experience with INTJ females I would say talk to her just like you would any male friend with whom you have intelligent conversations. If you are interested in her you better throw all of your flirting tactics out the window at this point. She's not your "typical" female. Its your mind, outlooks, and direction that I think she'll be most interested in. She doesn't need you to make her feel good about herself. She already knows she's the shit. Unfortunately, as I said, my experience with the female persuasion of this type is very limited so take this with a grain of salt.

[Colette]

For myself, I suppose I am most attracted to fellow Intuitives (whether T/F, or J/P), but always seem to end up with Sensors in relationships, and such relationships never work out for me. I'm a slow learner, I guess.

[Uytuun]

She might be nervous, I'm nervous when dealing with stuff like that, it's not our area of expertise, so to say. ;) Hmm, I think what INTJgal says is important as well...there are many kinds of INTJ women. Since you're N too, however, I suspect that you'll feel some kind of a connection which might make you more at ease etc.

Anything N works fine for me...but I seem to be stuck in a phase where I'll feel this insane attraction to a guy who doesn't really share the sentiment and have other guys being interested in me that I don't really like in that way. Reciprocative attraction...a difficult case.

[Cyrus]

hope I'm not too late, but here's my 2cents worth.

In general INTJs take forever to warm up to people and need multiple encounters with the same people to feel comfortable even opening up.

Even when meeting people I know are INTJs, I get defensive (and so do other INTJs) when conversation suddenly becomes abit too technical and intense.

I'd say try to find commonalities that INTJs typically share. Getting along with the general population (which we usually bitch about), job and how people are not as efficient, ambition, money, direction/goals in life (these are big & safe topics from my limited sample size).

Find out that one thing she's passionate about. Talk to her about that. Not met an INTJ who doesn't have a favourite geek out topic which they know inside out upside down

[MadmanMSU]

All good advice, but not quite what I was looking for. I see from reading these forums that many INTJs have problems interacting socially with people. I did, too, for a long time, but the driving force behind my letters/personality was always "to achieve", so I forced myself to become more outgoing to make myself better. Basically, for some odd reason that I've never been able to figure out, I've always become very close friends with that one person who knows everybody. Anyway, I've learned to be social, in my own INTJ way.

The point I'm making is that I get along great with her, I just don't understand her. I had initially written her off as "just another blonde" with no real depth, and in all honesty, had considered dating her room-mate. Long story short, I saw her again at a party, we got to talking, and I found out she's actually quite intelligent. Huh, go figure. (Anyone else tend to make snap judgments about people like that? Bad habit of mine)

Anyway, what I'm curious about is why she does not seem to have the classic hallmarks of INTJness. She's more outgoing than I would have expected. Dunno, maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character. I'm looking forward to our chat tonight :thumbsup:





MadmanMSU added to this post, 1 minutes and 21 seconds later...

Side note: my initial thought was that INTJ is expressed differently between the sexes. I tend to be a classical INTJ. Perhaps women express INTJ differently?

[Lucid]

All good advice, but not quite what I was looking for. I see from reading these forums that many INTJs have problems interacting socially with people. I did, too, for a long time, but the driving force behind my letters/personality was always "to achieve", so I forced myself to become more outgoing to make myself better. Basically, for some odd reason that I've never been able to figure out, I've always become very close friends with that one person who knows everybody. Anyway, I've learned to be social, in my own INTJ way.

The point I'm making is that I get along great with her, I just don't understand her. I had initially written her off as "just another blonde" with no real depth, and in all honesty, had considered dating her room-mate. Long story short, I saw her again at a party, we got to talking, and I found out she's actually quite intelligent. Huh, go figure. (Anyone else tend to make snap judgments about people like that? Bad habit of mine)

Anyway, what I'm curious about is why she does not seem to have the classic hallmarks of INTJness. She's more outgoing than I would have expected. Dunno, maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character. I'm looking forward to our chat tonight :thumbsup:





MadmanMSU added to this post, 1 minutes and 21 seconds later...

Side note: my initial thought was that INTJ is expressed differently between the sexes. I tend to be a classical INTJ. Perhaps women express INTJ differently?

I'm both a blond and a female INTJ. I'd just like to say that I hate it when people dismiss me as "just another blond" and that you should be ashamed of yourself. :p
But to throw in my questionably useful advice: you have to realize (and maybe you already do), that the MBTI type isn't a concrete mold that we will all fit into perfectly. I don't know what the circumstances of your meetings with this woman were, but in situations when I am either very comfortable (for instance, when I'm with a lot of friends) or somewhat drunk I also tend to be very out going. Some INTJs are very reserved and quiet, but I tend to talk a lot if I'm comfortable and if I have something to say (which I usually do). Most of the INTJs I know in life are the same way and they are all male.
I think there is a bit of a tendency for female INTJs to be more social than male INTJs, but it's by no means a hard and fast rule.
But I'll mention that one of the first things I noticed when I became active on this forum was how different everyone is from each other. We all tend to think in the same ways and to argue in similar ways and that does affect our personalities and behavior to an extent, but there's still a huge variety of personalities and backgrounds among the INTJs on this forum (which is neat :) ).
How else do you think she deviates from the INTJ "norm"?
Good luck with your meeting with her today! You'll have to keep us posted on how things go.

[averyfinewoman]

Hey...new in this forum, and soooo happy to have found something I can actually relate to! (being an INTJ female, and finding others on this planet!)

I also relate well and often with the "Just another Blonde" comment. I have come to believe "Blonde" is a state of mind, not just Clairol; and it would be wonderful if the general population would catch up!

[Paul V]

INFJs. They're mysterious and attractive, and they share our primary cognitive function. They're also unusually good at reading people, and they are the type I think I have the most in common with (besides other INTJs), though I wouldn't mind having a relationship with any INXX type.

[BlackHawk]

Anyway, I would like to know what other people think about INTJ's in relationships. Specifically, do find yourself attracted to a particular type? Is there a type that you're attracted to, but perhaps another type you functionally work well with?

I'm currently in a relationship with an INFJ. She's absolutely amazing in almost every way. (I'm a borderline T/F, so that might help) A hint, though: Remembering the little social niceities, such as wishing him/her goodnight, can go a long way. And be sure to find an INFJ on your "N wavelength." There are many different types of INFJs. You might find you do great with some and can't stand others.

I also get along fine with ENTJs. But there is a huge potential for unhealthy relationships if the INTJ is not careful. Make sure you stand up to him/her to let him/her know that he/she is NOT in charge of everything.

[INTJgal]

All good advice, but not quite what I was looking for. I see from reading these forums that many INTJs have problems interacting socially with people. I did, too, for a long time, but the driving force behind my letters/personality was always "to achieve", so I forced myself to become more outgoing to make myself better. Basically, for some odd reason that I've never been able to figure out, I've always become very close friends with that one person who knows everybody. Anyway, I've learned to be social, in my own INTJ way.

The point I'm making is that I get along great with her, I just don't understand her. I had initially written her off as "just another blonde" with no real depth, and in all honesty, had considered dating her room-mate. Long story short, I saw her again at a party, we got to talking, and I found out she's actually quite intelligent. Huh, go figure. (Anyone else tend to make snap judgments about people like that? Bad habit of mine)

Anyway, what I'm curious about is why she does not seem to have the classic hallmarks of INTJness. She's more outgoing than I would have expected. Dunno, maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character. I'm looking forward to our chat tonight :thumbsup:





MadmanMSU added to this post, 1 minutes and 21 seconds later...

Side note: my initial thought was that INTJ is expressed differently between the sexes. I tend to be a classical INTJ. Perhaps women express INTJ differently?

sorry, but this has to be asked just in case:

how do you know she is an INTJ and not just an intelligent female of any of the 16 types who values intelligent conversation?

[Learning]

Anyway, what I'm curious about is why she does not seem to have the classic hallmarks of INTJness. She's more outgoing than I would have expected. Dunno, maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character. I'm looking forward to our chat tonight :thumbsup:

MadmanMSU added to this post, 1 minutes and 21 seconds later...

Side note: my initial thought was that INTJ is expressed differently between the sexes. I tend to be a classical INTJ. Perhaps women express INTJ differently?
Every INTJ is still a unique person. She may have great social skills, but still be predominantly introverted in her functioning. (She may have also had a few drinks:))

Another thing...HORMONES:cheesy: ...are different in men & women.

Regardless of gender, though, INTJ's are no different from others in the way that they appreciate compliments- male or female. I've heard that's a common misconception INTJ partners have because of INTJ's apparent confidence. The catch is to make sure it's genuine & sincere.

[MadmanMSU]

Yes, she is an INTJ. How do I know? She's a psychology major, she's well versed in the Meyers Briggs test and personality theory. Actually, she knows a lot more about it than I do.

But at least I found out why I was seeing the duality. She used to be INXJ, but fell farther and farther to the T side as time went on.

And yes, her personality is more outgoing than I had thought. All in all, it went well and we enjoyed ourselves. The question I keep asking myself is, is it possible for me to be attracted to her? Obviously, we connect on a mental level and I'll be the first to admit she's hot as hell ;D but I worry that she'll be just as reserved as I am, which may not pan out well.

One interesting thing did happen though. I typically find myself to have the upper hand with most people when it comes to intelligence, something that I've gotten very used to. But this was a case where she was either on the same level as me or even brighter than I am, which I'll admit, kind of shocked my confidence there for a bit. Something I've never experienced before, not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I've always thought that I could only be attracted to women who were at my intelligence level, but maybe I was wrong? An interesting thought to ponder.





MadmanMSU added to this post, 1 minutes and 32 seconds later...

and yes to the above poster, I'm sure hormones play a role. I've always maintained that while men may be stupid...all women are *crazy*



I kid, I kid :laugh:

[mind_wander]

My advice is tried to be yourself, at the sametime make sure you create a safer bubble, on both sides. Its kind of a safe zone because she will not be scared by you, so there would not be so many uncertainties. Instead, create more openess of intellegence and tons of sarcastic humor; let it out, ease the lacking of social communications. This is kinda more appealing, for her [ok, I am not speaking out, for females INTJs, so it may vary] its ok to have some dumb things to say, to fill the mood of laughter. In the end, both sides should felt, like your not bad, after all. Just another version of me, just a different gender; BTW, asked Do you want my email or phone number? She probably will, if you don't have any hidden agenda, up your sleeve. Remember INTJs dislikes uncertainties, if yourself don't like it, then it goes the same for her. I hope this helps :)

[stasis]

My experience with compatible INTJ women has pretty much defined what I would look for in a relationship. Although, if the trending on this messageboard is useful as a standard, INTJs tend to prefer relationships with extroverted types and this would put me (being an INTP) at a disadvantage with them to begin with. That aside, I can't really agree with what Cyrus says about INTJs taking forever to warm up. Wouldn't it depend entirely upon the characteristics of the person whom the INTJ is warming up to, and also the circumstance of that exchange? Compatibility is compatibility, I'd think, regardless of what MBTI type temperament may imply.

[rwyatt365]

My experience with compatible INTJ women has pretty much defined what I would look for in a relationship. Although, if the trending on this messageboard is useful as a standard, INTJs tend to prefer relationships with extroverted types and this would put me (being an INTP) at a disadvantage with them to begin with. That aside, I can't really agree with what Cyrus says about INTJs taking forever to warm up. Wouldn't it depend entirely upon the characteristics of the person whom the INTJ is warming up to, and also the circumstance of that exchange? Compatibility is compatibility, I'd think, regardless of what MBTI type temperament may imply.
I think it's not so much that INTJs take so much time to "warm up", it's that it takes us longer to give recognizable feedback to non-INTJs that is perceived to be "warming up".

For myself, I pretty much know within minutes whether I like someone (or whether I lust after them), or not. My particular issue is getting beyond what I experience in my head, and what I do to actualize that internal dialog. I don't know if that is typical, or individual.

[orange]

I can't really agree with what Cyrus says about INTJs taking forever to warm up. Wouldn't it depend entirely upon the characteristics of the person whom the INTJ is warming up to, and also the circumstance of that exchange?

As an INTJ I make snap judgments about people all the time and sometimes I instantly find them fun to talk to, etc and warm up to the very fast (in some cases it only took 1 day, very rare.) As a general rule I dont warm up to people for a good long while. probally to long if ever.

have to keep them at arms length untill I understand them.