Accepting yourself

[Hollow]

It's complicated.

All my life I pretty much felt like an outcast. I was always an introvert, never talked about emotions. I was everything an ISTJ is, but never knew and no one ever told me that that is NORMAL. I always thought that I HAVE to be an extrovert, that I have to be like that someone. I always thought that there's something wrong with me and felt bad about it. No one ever told me that it's okay to be the way I am.

As young men, we always try to be "the men" (the loud ones, the extrovert ones, you get the idea), but the thing is that we can't all be like that.

At what age did you accept yourself the way you are? How long it took you to be satisfied that you are an ISTJ/INTJ? Do you ever try to HIDE that? Do you ever try to be something that you are not?

[masquerade189]

I didn't start feeling truly comfortable with who I am until a year or so ago.

It was a little difficult before. I felt like something might be wrong since hardly anyone seemed to relate to where I was coming from. Even though I'm about to start my third year of college, I don't party and rarely date. Many didn't really understand why I needed my alone time and what not (and that my wanting to be alone had nothing to do with them).

I love who I am now. If my close friends don't get where I'm coming from, I request that they read the INTJ description. ;)

[Jefferson]

I didn't start feeling truly comfortable with who I am until a year or so ago.
It helped when I took the Myers-Briggs test and realized there are many others that are similar to me.

It was a little difficult before. I felt like something might be wrong ...

Similar story.
Now still I can't say if I am satisfied or not. I like myself, but ..... the thing I'm displeased most is that it's harder to find mate. I blame it on my introversion, on my high requirements etc.

In every group I came across, I ended as public enemy not knowing why. :huh:

[Sipak]

It's complicated.
At what age did you accept yourself the way you are? How long it took you to be satisfied that you are an ISTJ/INTJ? Do you ever try to HIDE that? Do you ever try to be something that you are not?

Yes, it is complicated !!
"melting in the society" is the problem .. which my family want me to go with the flow and be social and it is really annoying !
I took along time to accept myself. . since two or three years !!
Now, I do not hide it, because it's me, my identity ... and that makes me unique !


Have a good day !!

[reckful]

At what age did you accept yourself the way you are? How long it took you to be satisfied that you are an ISTJ/INTJ?

I didn't stumble onto Jung & MBTI and other stuff on "personality types" until after my school days were over, at which point it was quite a revelation to me, and it's fair to say that I "accepted" certain aspects of myself more after that. (And it's also fair to say that I became more accepting of certain pesky traits in other people after I understood that, to some extent, they "couldn't help it" either.)

But accepting aspects of your temperament often goes hand in hand with being more willing to "indulge" those aspects of your temperament, and that's sometimes good and sometimes bad and often a mixture of the two.

In my school days I thought of my "shyness" as a somewhat silly defect that I figured I could somehow learn to overcome, and I suspect that I socialized more in those days than I might have if I'd been more of the view that "Hey, I'm an introvert, and it's just the way I am, and it's perfectly OK to be a loner." In retrospect I think it's a good thing that I socialized as much as I did in those days. College, in particular, is a pretty unique environment in terms of how effortless being somewhat "social" can be (even for an introvert), and I'd hate to think there are a lot of young introverts out there who are "indulging" their introversion more in college because they're already aware of their "type."

[fatkattykat]

Hi Hollow,

I am glad you posted this, because you are not alone. I never really feel like I fit in anywhere...always feel like an outsider. I am so introverted that when I TRY to be extroverted, most people can sense there is something not right about me. Which is why I feel like I fail in situations like job interviews and parties. I think that self-acceptance is definitely a long journey. It is the very top of Maslow's need pyramid, meaning it is the most difficult thing to achieve (you can look it up online if you are not sure what I am talking about).

Stratego, thanks for sharing your story. I was actually a tomboy too, as a child. I just did my thing, lived in my own world, and didn't really care or get my feelings hurt when kids made fun of me for it. But I had an early puberty and all of a sudden started feeling really self-conscious. All the "fun stuff" I liked as a kid was not cool anymore, and it was all about clothes and boys, the latter of which bullied me on a daily basis. After junior high, I lost that self-confidence, and to this day, I still struggle with assertiveness skills, I am constantly looked over, and I have lost the ability to believe in myself. Been spending over 10 years trying to get that back...it's a struggle, but I am working on it.

What I am learning is that you have to just believe in yourself no matter what. You have to build your strength on what you know, and not other people's expectations.

[Quite8the8bell]

I found out about myself about a few months ago. I accepted myself the moment I read the descriptions. I already was on the I-don't-care-what-any-one-thinks-of-me side. This just made it a whole lot better, I am very glad I found it. I just tell myself, it's okay to be yourself.

[doublejava]

I also relate on not fitting in. As a child, I remember having this incessant need to be alone all the time and not enjoying constant group activities like a lot of my friends. I, too, never had anyone tell me that it was okay to be like that. I so wanted to be extroverted and have lots of friends, but it was not natural and took so much EFFORT. I didn't discover MBTI til I was in my 30s and it really opened my eyes. I'm 37 now and still have a longing to be extroverted when I see E's getting job promotions and other rewards by their seemingly effortless networking, but I've finally accepted that it is what it is, and I'm really, really okay! In fact, I'm awesome! Go ahead, ask anyone :)

[coffeeholic]

then dont accept yourself....there's always room for improvement. no one is perfect.

Something is 'normal', only when it is compared to other things. Stop comparing yourself to others

[Mickehh]

I've always thought my introversion is a fault in my character, but I don't see it that way anymore. It's just who I am, and that's about it. I can work on my shyness and people skills but not in my personality.

My parents used to try and make me go out and socialize since I was little, and even since I was 3 or 4 years old I had trouble making friends and trying to be a part of a group. But, I have to say that it's a good thing they pushed me, because I've learned the basic social skills, so I know how to be somewhat social if I have to be. I still can't be extroverted when I would want to.

[Blse]

I'm sure many people feel the way you do. I was fortunate I guess in that my dad is a self-aware introvert - although he can act extrovert enough to be an effective manager - and never thought of my introversion as something bad. I'm kind of proud of it actually. Even though I'm in touch with my inner ENTJ - who makes in apperance anytime I'm involved in teamwork, teaching and a few other setting - I'm very open about my introversion and found that most people are really very accepting. I've always had good experiences telling people "well, you know, I'm intovert" (I usually coat those comments in humor).

Truth is, once you accept yourself for who you are, the acceptance of others often follows b/c confidence is just such an attractive trait :).

PS. Speaking of accepting yourself - for what it's worth, George Washington was an ISTJ; something to remeber next time you're at the check out stand.

[Daxie]

I am 42 years old and still working on self-acceptance. It IS complicated!

I have good days and bad days. On the bad days I wonder what's wrong with me that I have so few friends, can't bring myself to wear makeup and girly clothes, always seem to be putting my foot in my mouth, hate being told what to do, startle easily, etc. etc. On the good days I am proud to be me, and those who don't like me can shove it. Reading up on MBTI has helped a ton. Knowing I'm not the only one is such a comfort. Thanks, y'all. :nice:

then dont accept yourself....there's always room for improvement. no one is perfect.

On the other hand, coffeeholic has a good point. Comforting as this MBTI thing is, I do think it's important not to get too complacent about it. I sometimes catch myself thinking smugly, "yep, I'm a mastermind" and feeling like that absolves me of the need to be, y'know, considerate of other people.

[reb]

i was in my late 30s before i started getting the hang of 'i do not fit this mold. what mold do i fit?' i dint have the advantage of mbti theory or any of those things; i was working, trying to make ends meet, working my plan.

events conspired to make me what i am....hopefully, for you, they will conspire earlier than they did for me. it's nice to reach 'i am what i am and that's all what i am'.

[Mickehh]

On the other hand, coffeeholic has a good point. Comforting as this MBTI thing is, I do think it's important not to get too complacent about it. I sometimes catch myself thinking smugly, "yep, I'm a mastermind" and feeling like that absolves me of the need to be, y'know, considerate of other people.

I completely agree with you. It's just that people shouldn't feel an obsessive need to change it, especially when it's not easy or even possible. Healthy amount of desire to self-improve is okay, it's just that you shouldn't stress (or feel bad) about it.

[llBradll]

I'm going through that right now. I think to really accept yourself, you have to be yourself first. I've noticed that I'm digging up deeper parts of me that were repressed and they are really more of my true self. I've found that now I can really appreciate myself more rather than pretending to like a persona that really wasn't a great fit on me.

[Daxie]

Healthy amount of desire to self-improve is okay, it's just that you shouldn't stress (or feel bad) about it.

Absolutely!

The hard part is figuring out what's a healthy desire to self-improve, and what's a not-so-healthy lack of self-acceptance. Oy veh. It never ends. :rolleyes:

[kazzamunga]

After junior high, I lost that self-confidence, and to this day, I still struggle with assertiveness skills, I am constantly looked over, and I have lost the ability to believe in myself. Been spending over 10 years trying to get that back...it's a struggle, but I am working on it.

What I am learning is that you have to just believe in yourself no matter what. You have to build your strength on what you know, and not other people's expectations.

I'm glad you've said this, because I have been pondering this today. I like being myself, I like being an INTJ (more so since I found this site)...I have no problem with being an introvert and poeple who can't be bothered to make the effort singling me out as boring...but I have major issues being assertive when I'm out of my comfort zone, particularly in a work environment. This is what I need to work on the most. I'm so introverted that I can't fake being warm and friendly when I feel uncomfortable, and I feel like a failure a lot since I started my job. Which I never had in academia. It certainly is a struggle. But I suppose it'll be worth it in the end.

[LaoTzu]

I'm feeling besieged in my own body, by my own mind these days...
It's not other people I feel the need to be accepted by, it's myself.

It'll get better, but right now... it's just not very nice place to be at all.

[Maddy]

It's complicated.

All my life I pretty much felt like an outcast. I was always an introvert, never talked about emotions. I was everything an ISTJ is, but never knew and no one ever told me that that is NORMAL. I always thought that I HAVE to be an extrovert, that I have to be like that someone. I always thought that there's something wrong with me and felt bad about it. No one ever told me that it's okay to be the way I am.

As young men, we always try to be "the men" (the loud ones, the extrovert ones, you get the idea), but the thing is that we can't all be like that.

At what age did you accept yourself the way you are? How long it took you to be satisfied that you are an ISTJ/INTJ? Do you ever try to HIDE that? Do you ever try to be something that you are not?

when i was a kid i did not fit the ISFP profile AT ALL. i was talkative, bossy, and kind of a bully. i was extremely competitive and would pick fights on the playground. i also had no regard for authority or rules. i went to the principal's office so many times between first and second grade that the principal just set up a once-a-week appointment for me to come in and catch him up on everything "bad" i'd done that week.
in retrospect it's all kind of amusing bc i am nothing like that now. it was like i was in total denial of my "type"...

[Vyrokashan]

Discovering the introversion/extroversion factor, discovering that as a quiet person, you are how a human could be, and that you are not any different another human besides how you gain energy, is the best thing you could discover at a young age. I think that unless they had other problems, most introverts live for a long time believing that they are different and odd, and ostracise themselves when they do not have to be.

I tried hiding who I was before learning a word for introversion, and that ended horribly. I ended up googling the word when I heard it used in a context that intruiged me, and now boom! I know I am more normal and by far more human than I ever thought I was.

People complain so much about sexism and racism... And yet most people do not give a damn about you being introverted. You don't want to talk? Shun! SSSHHHUUUNNN!(Yes, thank you.) Somehow, people need to be educated about this, but failing their understanding, eliminated from the gene pool.

[Kenne936]

the quick answer to your question: I'm 18 now, and i don't think i really accepted myself completely until i was 17. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that i just couldn't socialize the way my peers did/do. i guess in that sense my childhood was kind of rough (i could never figure out what was wrong with me), but then again, being an INTJ, when i was by myself i really didn't care... now, i think i've found the balance. That's really what's important IMO, because, you HAVE to socialize to some degree to maintain your mental health. i don't go out that often, but my current summer job is highly social, and when i do go out (and when i'm working) i try to make an effort to extrovert myself as much as possible. its not other people's fault that they don't understand/recognize introversion so i kind of pander to that (for better or for worse). Anyway, that's what works for me, the key is finding what works for you

[Kele-De]

I was outgoing, free spirited and confident as a kid. Mr. Fred Rogers told me, "I like you just the way you are." My Mom told me I was the life of the party and at the same time she could take me anywhere and I would quietly entertain myself.

Things definitely changed around junior high when the whole nonsensical social games ensued. I learned how to "fake it till you make it" but real confidence didn't return until I turned 21 and didn't sustain until I was in my mid 30s. Finding the rest of you INTJs was validating and humbling and I definitely feel less confused and more likely to celebrate my former odd behavior.

For example, I fell upon this amazing female blues artist the other night when I was out for my quarterly music fix . I was at this corporate biker/soldier bar that usually has great bands. Normally I'm hiding in the back trying to not make eye contact with the hordes of testosterone. I certainly don't want anyone to know I am experiencing pleasure. But it's hard to rock out (to a nerd goddess who is screaming serene-down-low-on-the-note vocal cords and sliding some serious Hendrix on her strings) when you are hiding. So I moved closer to the band. And I just rocked out. I remember catching myself and thinking that I don't want to be too expressive and draw attention to myself... but hey--I'm an INTJ. This is what I do. I'm doing it. I'm rockin' out. And so I did.

[sharontherose]

Accepting yourself is a process, and I don't think it ever really ends. We're constantly changing, adapting creatures, and there are endless depths of ourselves to discover. For me, the process is not as much about accepting myself as it is accepting the process.

I grew up with an un-self-aware introvert in my mother. She's incredibly direct and rigid in how she approaches life, and the fact that I am as similiar to her as I am different from her confused the crud out of me for a long time. But I'm getting better. ;)

I like to say that I'm in touch with my inner Extrovert because I love performing and leading. Since I also need serious alone time and don't give a flip about silly things like the delicate sensibilities of others, I was again confused about who and how I really am.

As several have mentioned, there are days when I like myself more and days when I like myself less. There are days when I understand myself more, am more comfortable with myself, and so on. It's a journey, and the trip is just as worthwhile as the destination.

[zibber]

At what age did you accept yourself the way you are?

Let's say.. 22?

I know, right? Makes me wish I'd found INTJf a lot sooner.

[MaleVolentworld]

Usually it's when you're 60 years old and you don't have many years to live. You've built up enough life experience and learned how to not care what others think...fast forward 40 years please

[Vagrant]

It took until senior year of high school for me to finally accept myself for who I am. Simply put, that was when I gained a major surge in confidence, and stopped fretting over as much trivial stuff. I finally found my calling in the sciences.

[Wired]

Interesting question. I believe I accepted myself pretty early on in my life.

What took me much, much longer (and I still haven't completely met this goal) is accepting the way that others perceive me- or, accepting that I may not be accepted. I think it was easy for me to say, "This is me, and I'm okay" to myself, but much harder to recognize that other people may say, "That is you...and you're not okay."

Moving past the attempts to be understood and appreciated, and the attempts to not care what others think, toward a place of acceptance that I may or may not be understood, has been an interesting journey. I'll probably die when I finally figure it out, because there will be nothing left to do.

[Alex]

My life will constantly be spent, until the day I die, becoming the person I want to be. That doesn't mean that I don't accept myself, but it just means that there is always room for improvement.

I've been through a lot of changes in life, and I expect I'll go through many more in the future. I think who I am at my core is already there, but I just have to separate the wheat from the chaff - my true qualities vs. the qualities I wish I had (or bad influences I eventually want to shake).

What took me much, much longer (and I still haven't completely met this goal) is accepting the way that others perceive me- or, accepting that I may not be accepted. I think it was easy for me to say, "This is me, and I'm okay" to myself, but much harder to recognize that other people may say, "That is you...and you're not okay."

Such a good point, as well.

[vash]

Interesting question. I believe I accepted myself pretty early on in my life.

What took me much, much longer (and I still haven't completely met this goal) is accepting the way that others perceive me- or, accepting that I may not be accepted. I think it was easy for me to say, "This is me, and I'm okay" to myself, but much harder to recognize that other people may say, "That is you...and you're not okay."

Moving past the attempts to be understood and appreciated, and the attempts to not care what others think, toward a place of acceptance that I may or may not be understood, has been an interesting journey. I'll probably die when I finally figure it out, because there will be nothing left to do.

I had no choice but to accept that other ppl were going to perceive me very differently than I perceived myself, and I accepted that early on. I like myself, and that is very important to me. I have met many ppl who spend a lot of time trying to be accepted by others: they might have social acceptance, but they are very unhappy.

[potsic]

Looking at the fact that your an sensor means, at least I think, that you base your beliefs on the world around you. You gotta learn that what most people care about is not what is the reality. You ask if we try to be someone we are not, you ever heard of just being? We do not need ourselves to be classified in a certain way, defined based on what is normal to believe. You need to think that you are part of this giant everything, just as important as the next piece. Remember, we don't make who we are, the world around us does. Once you realize this the world is literally in your own hands.

[jesse]

It's complicated.

All my life I pretty much felt like an outcast. I was always an introvert, never talked about emotions. I was everything an ISTJ is, but never knew and no one ever told me that that is NORMAL. I always thought that I HAVE to be an extrovert, that I have to be like that someone. I always thought that there's something wrong with me and felt bad about it. No one ever told me that it's okay to be the way I am.

As young men, we always try to be "the men" (the loud ones, the extrovert ones, you get the idea), but the thing is that we can't all be like that.

At what age did you accept yourself the way you are? How long it took you to be satisfied that you are an ISTJ/INTJ? Do you ever try to HIDE that? Do you ever try to be something that you are not?

Acceping yourself is indeed a very long process, if not a journey. Whether one even fully accepts oneself remains an unanswered question. Surely you know how you usually react and you'll at least have some roadmap, however vague, or how things go down.

Like Hollow, much of my lifetime has consisted of being an outcast very often. This is somewhat peculiar because it never was a problem until I started around the midway of first grade. Some of the darker days of confinement and loneliness were between grades 4 and 7, a chapter in my life I would rather wish to completely forget. In retrospect, this is "a which came first, the egg or the chicken" question as to whether finally starting to accept myself as being a weirdo because I prefered my own company or whether this had something to do with being bullied a lot during that time frame.

Being the late-bloomer than I am quickly started a cycle where I was always labeled as a closeted fag because no one could figure me out. Apparently it's still going because it even came up twice when I was studying for my business degree in the company of people I had not known before starting my studies in a different country. This is another one of those black and white judgement calls where unless you're trying to chat up every skirt walking within a mile radius from you, then you must be a homosexual. It does not bother me to hear that accusation because it's so easy to laugh it right off... life would have been so much easier if I knew then what I know now.

While I know there is no such thing as perfection, I do consider to be comfortable in my own skin these days.

[CTIronworks]

Hello All,

I too have found it very difficult to navigate certain waters, although finding the right woman for me was pretty easy. I simply asked myself what qualities she would need not only to be attracted to a man like me but also to want to build a life with me.
Then its simply a matter of paying attention.
I have been on dates with a grand total of 4 women and I knew that the fourth was the last.
I still however find things tough on the work front, in my last evaluation the department head and the team leader both said that I was not fitting in because I did not sit around the office and tell stories enough, I went out and actually worked.
I am a welding inspector and was a welder before that. Neither of these career paths require much in the way of social skills and now I find out that even among my peers I am alone and misunderstood.
Somehow I cant bring myself to care much at all what they think. In some ways I guess that does define me as arrogant and aloof.
My work is independent and autonomous, great for that reason. I also think that this personality is perfect for jobs in QA/QC because everyone eventually hates you...now if only I could get over my fear of heights!

[JustMel]

I never questioned who I was or if my introversion was strange because I was raised by one introvert but also because people pretty much left me alone because of "the incident". I was the kid in school who was quiet but friends with everyone. I didn't have a "group" I had friends from all the cliques and they all accepted the fact that I hung out with who I wanted to at the time or no one at all.

I've never cared what anyone thought of me. My granny told me when I was little that so long as I was okay with me it didn't matter what anyone else thought and she was the one person in my life that never lied to me so I believed and accepted her statement at face value and never questioned it.

MBTI showed me that there were others who thought the same way I do and how to tailor my answers to others so they understand something without my getting frustrated and wanting to beat my head against the wall.

[eri]

For me I think it's a much broader issue than accepting myself for who I am. That's part of it, yes. But it's really more complicated, since I know I've learned (as mentioned) to be something I'm not- or really, to be something that does not come naturally/ easily to me. I can look like an E, or like an F. This is something I've had to do to varying extents, and it's not entirely a bad thing (also I've got some cross-cultural stuff muddying the water a bit). But I've been re-evaluating lately how I should act in various situations. Most of my models for work come from women who are probably F's, and all of that. In general, simply not my personality- and serious misunderstandings really do happen. But I've been learning that trying to live up to their expectations or follow their patterns is a strain on me. Kind of like a really long flight in an economy-class seat- it's ok at first, but eventually you get to a point where you're so cramped, it just doesn't stop hurting! Recently I found myself talking to someone that I believe to be an INTJ (if not, then one of the more compatible types)- and it was such a mental relief, because I dropped the mask entirely, and could really be myself.

[curiousgeorge01]

Well I'm in my late 20s now, but I don't think I started accepting myself and being comfortable with who I was until I joined the workforce for a few years. So I would say that didn't happen until I was about 26.

A lot of people at work find me quirky but they seem to like it as they think it provides a fresh perspective and unique answers. I remember one time we were talking about serial bombers and school shooters everyone said and came to an agreement "Yea I don't understand why someone would do that to other people." I stood quiet for a while and said "Well I can," and everyone gave me the 'what the hell' look. Basically the answer was something along the lines of those people thinking very highly of themselves and when society puts them down, they use violence to express their full power. I said "that's one of the problems of our society the need to be number one and it produces a wide range of conquering attitudes." There was a range of reactions, some people breathed a sigh of relief I wasn't crazy, others laughed b/c they knew it was my type of answer, and others found it quite interesting.

Also at work, I find that a lot of people are blatantly selfish, egotistical and afterwards, didn't find my brooding all that much of a vice. Afterall, at least I don't have bad intentions nor try to force myself upon others, that is much more of an evil. I guess working with people daily sort of put that into perspective.

[True Rune]

I'm not quite done with that yet. But the process kicked off at 20.

[The Fury]

I've only really accepted myself lately and I've grown to like who I am. That doesn't mean that there aren't certain things that I don't like about myself. I think it's important to keep growing as a person even if you fully accept who you are.

[callmemigs]

As young men, we always try to be "the men" (the loud ones, the extrovert ones, you get the idea), but the thing is that we can't all be like that.

At what age did you accept yourself the way you are? How long it took you to be satisfied that you are an ISTJ/INTJ? Do you ever try to HIDE that? Do you ever try to be something that you are not?

As early as 16, I realized that conforming to the very rigid definition of being "a real man" is bullshit. I mean, you have to prove yourself that you are a "real man" by being uber-sexual, looking at girls and obsessing about them, be good and interested at sports, be interested in dating girls, be loud and extroverted, get in to physical fights if someone wants a fight etc.

I just think that most males have a very fragile male ego so they resort to all forms of external "toughness" to prove they are something, whereas when they've been cheated by their girlfriends, they'll be nothing but a bunch of whiny 5 year olds (Yes, I know a lot of guys who are like this). I used to think I'm too "prissy" until an acquaintance showed signs of emotional distress (and he was totally drunk) when he told me his girlfriend cheated on him. I'm not saying that being cheated is just one reason guys would whine and break down. I've known him as one of the toughest bullies in my school.

[Imposcillator]

My life will constantly be spent, until the day I die, becoming the person I want to be. That doesn't mean that I don't accept myself, but it just means that there is always room for improvement.

I've been through a lot of changes in life, and I expect I'll go through many more in the future. I think who I am at my core is already there, but I just have to separate the wheat from the chaff - my true qualities vs. the qualities I wish I had (or bad influences I eventually want to shake).

Excellent post. I couldn't have possibly said it better.

I have only recently fully accepted who I am and become comfortable about it.
I can't say I'm completely comfortable with the way I am right now but that falls back on the self-improvement part of it.