Cougars anybody?

[curiousgeorge01]

I have been approached by probably 3-4 attractive women who average about 5-10 years older than me in the past 2 years. However, as soon as they have any indication of my age they feel like a pervert or some cradle robber. What gives? I don't mind going out with an older woman.

[hyper84]

Ease them into it by saying they you usually go out with older women. And you have to make moves on them in order to take the "cradle-robbing" decision out of their hands.

[The Maelstrom]

hahahaha...ah...

Well, even I don't know for sure what it's about but I can tell you if YOU don't make a big deal out of it, can poke fun at it (them or you) and continue on as if it never came up then it'll be less of a problem. It really only becomes an issue if you let it.

[smabers]

Yeah, older women are a lot more direct about what they want. Just ask her to guess your age and whatever she guesses tell her she's right.

[curiousgeorge01]

LOL I keep saying I should just outright LIE about my age. Any women have any advice on this??

[SelfMadeBum]

Well, do you generally let them know the age difference doesn't bother you or do you accept that they're not interested?

[curiousgeorge01]

Well usually as soon as they know they're like "ohhh...well..." and their whole attitude changes. I suppose as soon as I get that response I think to myself "crap, why'd I just say that" and move on.

[SelfMadeBum]

Then I definitely say if you're interested, go on the offensive and make your play. Maybe most of them think you'll be turned off by the age difference so withdraw their interest.

You can make it clear that it makes no difference to you and see what reactions you get.

[Phoenix rising]

Start wearing a monocle and using a walking cane, they'll see you're a distinguished gentleman and won't even ask your age.

[rara avis]

If I talked to someone in a bar for a few minutes, (let's just pretend that I'd be approaching strangers in a bar), thought they were reasonably attractive, and then found out they were 10 years younger than I, I would probably backpedal.

It's a combination of age discrimination and personal preference, built on my own experience in different respects on both sides of the age-related fence.

If I went out with someone a few times and liked them a lot, and then found out they were 10 years younger, I'd have to assume that the "young" traits I would have been wary of are not in fact an issue, so who cares how old anyone is.

(Note: if the reason I didn't know the subject's age to begin with was that they were lying about it, any benefit would be nullified because they are a liar, or at least a gamer. Make a game of refusing to tell your age if you must, but don't lie about it.)

[llBradll]

I guess if they asked my age I'd say something like "I've got a few years under my belt" and if they guessed I'd just question them back like "how do you figure that".

More importantly, where did you find them? *gets notepad ready*

[dalidaisy]

Well, I get approached by younger men often. My problem is the maturity level. Of course, they all claim to be very mature, but they often prove not to be. Therefore, I've just learned to avoid them. They are fine to play with on occasion, but the one's I've met were not suitable for the long term, which is what I'm guessing most older women would prefer.

I do not suggest lying about your age. That's not good for any relationship, with a "cougar" or anyone else. You just have to display that you are mature enough to handle her & not make a big deal out of the fact that she's older or wiser, unless you want her to treat you like a little boy.

[Mogura]

Just tell them that you're a virgin, and your age will soon become immaterial...

[paleoeco]

My favorite response to the age question: "I'm old enough to enjoy it, and young enough to not care". I discovered that saying that with a cocky grin and (maybe) giving the head to toe look, typically diffuses any age issue and let's the other party you're interested.

I used to date older guys when I was a wee lad. When I hit 20, I started telling guys I was into that I was a "score", and they were already well on their way to home base.

[rara avis]

Of course, they all claim to be very mature, but they often prove not to be.

That's the trick with immaturity- while you're immature, you can't understand what it is you're yet missing.

[Amphorian]

That's the trick with immaturity- while you're immature, you can't understand what it is you're yet missing.

But not all older people are mature nor all young people immature. Older means more experience sure, but no gurantee of maturity.

[LPM]

But not all older people are mature nor all young people immature. Older means more experience sure, but no gurantee of maturity.

I'm not accusing you of this but a lot of people especially younger people have a misguided definition of maturity. Maturity is not whether or not you giggle when someone farts. Maturity is that you've have some perspective in life, you've seen a lot, you've been in relationships, you've had some experience.

[The Maelstrom]

I'm not accusing you of this but a lot of people especially younger people have a misguided definition of maturity. Maturity is not whether or not you giggle when someone farts. Maturity is that you've have some perspective in life, you've seen a lot, you've been in relationships, you've had some experience.

Actually I have to contend with some of your definition. You can have experienced a lot and been in numerous relationships, but experience means jack if you don't take the time to reflect on that experience and develop your character, ideas, knowledge and skills.

Perspective was closer to the mark on its own.

[curiousgeorge01]

My favorite response to the age question: "I'm old enough to enjoy it, and young enough to not care". I discovered that saying that with a cocky grin and (maybe) giving the head to toe look, typically diffuses any age issue and let's the other party you're interested.

I used to date older guys when I was a wee lad. When I hit 20, I started telling guys I was into that I was a "score", and they were already well on their way to home base.

LOL well they don't usually ask me outright. They usually mask it with something like "SO...what year did you graduate and from where?"

Don't you think men would take that line you use differently than women?





curiousgeorge01 added to this post, 1 minutes and 52 seconds later...

That's the trick with immaturity- while you're immature, you can't understand what it is you're yet missing.

That's true. The problem is...how do they know my maturity level and how do I know theirs?

Actually I did go out with someone about 10 years older than me and I know she was in it just for the fun. She would party till like 2am on a work night while I would be begging to go home. It was sort of strange, she kept introducing me as her "younger brother friend" and then when we were alone be all girlfriendly. Creepy no??

[WoodsWoman]

I am not an age.

[Amphorian]

I'm not accusing you of this but a lot of people especially younger people have a misguided definition of maturity. Maturity is not whether or not you giggle when someone farts. Maturity is that you've have some perspective in life, you've seen a lot, you've been in relationships, you've had some experience.

I'll use my dad as example. He is 47. Almost a whole half a century! He's in prison, for lacking self control, being mantipulative and harming others. Now to this day he still has plans to get rich quick. He sends us letters telling us to 'ride the coattails of J. K. Rowling' and to 'sell buttons by using religious teenager as employees'. Then he has the nerve to ask us for money, when all he did was leech off my mother, never paid the bills and couldn't hold down a job.

But! he definitly has worldy experience. He's done a lot of things, been quite a few places and met lots of people. Thing is he never learns his lessons even after all these years. He say he's sorry then does the same shit over again.

Would you call that mature?

Me on the other, despite being young, not seeing as much of the world or much experience compared to others tries to learn from my mistakes (I do make mistakes of course). Yet I'm constantly trying to improve and better myself as I age.

Would you call that immaturity?

I've met both mature young and older adults and vis versa with immature ones. I think it has to do with personality and the will to learn and understand then improve yourself that determines maturity not age.

[hyper84]

Maturity is not whether or not you giggle when someone farts.

Oh, thank God. There is hope for me yet.

So pretty much I would say it's not the numerical age difference (unless you want kids and her ovaries are on the home stretch; I have no idea how old we're talking about here) that would/should be the problem. It's the difference in maturity. And how could you know that without going on a few dates?

I believe the (in)correct terminology can be found here: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[dalidaisy]

It's the difference in maturity. And how could you know that without going on a few dates?

I don't think it always takes a few dates. I mean, sometimes, if you are like me, it can take years to realize someone's never going to reach a level of maturity on par with yours. However, sometimes, it can just take a few seconds.

[owlie]

LOL nice chart. Seems pretty accurate.

Hmm not a cougar as of yet (still a "chick," though I don't wear heels much). I once dated someone a year younger than me. It wasn't too bad, but I'd prefer dating someone older at the moment. That may change when I get older though.

[rara avis]

I'm not accusing you of this but a lot of people especially younger people have a misguided definition of maturity. Maturity is not whether or not you giggle when someone farts. Maturity is that you've have some perspective in life, you've seen a lot, you've been in relationships, you've had some experience.

Yes, and I think that unless you want to just be outright contrary, you have to own the fact that there is a bit of a trend in this area which relates to aging. It's bad to write individuals off entirely based on stereotypes, but that doesn't mean the data that inspired the stereotype is invalid. It's something to take into consideration as you evaluate a stranger.

And sometimes it's not even about maturity, exactly, but... I don't know... style of behavior that's related to the phase of life you're in.

[Seriously]

You don't have to lie just say you consider it immaterial. Be vague about anything that gives clues to your age. Ask them upfront why it matters, age is just a number. Let them know you aren't concerned about their age...and that you are legal. ;D

[JustMel]

Actually, being in your late 20's you fall into the "ready to settle down and have children" category. Thus, cougars are more apt to be afraid they won't be what you want if it's family and children you ultimately want. I would stay away from age or if asked directly make a joke and say something like, "It isn't polite to ask a man his age" with a grin.

[The Maelstrom]

I would stay away from age or if asked directly make a joke and say something like, "It isn't polite to ask a man his age" with a grin.

ah yes, one of my favorites ;D "It's not polite to ask a gentleman his age you know" usually fetches "Gentleman? Well now that's rare..." and the conversation goes off that way

[LPM]

I believe the (in)correct terminology can be found here: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

lol, that is a sweet chart. I think i like the puma the best.

[curiousjane]

I believe the (in)correct terminology can be found here: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Oh, wow, outside of the kittens, that is hilarious.

I'm proud to be a ... Chick. For now. Next year it's Puma for me. And, uh, no thanks to The Hills and/or puking.

I admit that as an upper-20s woman age is an issue. If you were in elementary school when I was in high school I'm going to treat you like a brother, intentionally, even if I am attracted to you. Especially because I have younger brothers and got to know their friends and so you'd fit into that category. Of course, the good news for younger guys is that after you hit around 25, there really does not seem to be an age difference until you hit 32 or so. Yippee! A 7 year window of opportunity for those women who have realized that they cannot afford to be ageist.

Having said that, I've gotten a few cougar jokes myself. I'm a whole shocking year and a half older than my boyfriend.

[Lucid]

Recently my friends started calling me Demi Moore.
I'm not sure I mind. I could definitely see myself as a sexually liberated older woman, preying on the naivety and innocence of boys in their early twenties. And I'm not very good at relationships.

To men (or rather boys :p) in their 20s, how do you feel about them? Would you sleep with a woman in her late 30s or early 40s?

[The Maelstrom]

To men in their 20s, how do you feel about them? Would you sleep with a woman in her late 30s or early 40s?

Already have, intend to some more in the future. I think everyone already has an idea about how I feel about them.

[Lucid]

Already have, intend to some more in the future. I think everyone already has an idea about how I feel about them.

What do you like about them? I think I missed the memo about how you feel about them. Is it in this thread?

[The Maelstrom]

I love women. That's the general reason. I don't see age as a reason why that should make me feel any different.

I also tend to find they're more aware of what they want, don't want and my hunch is the reason I find them less dramatic is because they've gotten better at reading men with age and don't feel they have to figure him out by handing out tests like some younger women may do. And dare I say, a certain sense of class with many of them.

Its also their sexual prime ;)

[Elfrun]

LOL I keep saying I should just outright LIE about my age. Any women have any advice on this??

Don’t tell them. Refuse to answer and don’t let them see your ID but don’t lie. Depending on how risqué the flirting is I’d go with paleoeco’s line, it’s playful and if said right the conversation wouldn’t dwell on you needing to provide a number.

Like Rara, if a guy approached me and told me he was 5-10 years younger I'd backpedal as well, pretty damn fast too. However if I found out his age after I was somewhat invested it may not bother me as much.

[azelismia]

the whole much younger guy thing sounds like such a bad idea to me. It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye out..

the older woman gets olderand the younger man ditches her to go for a younger woman, in the mean time the woman is so far past her prime that she can't find anyone else and dies alone.

it just doesn't sound like a sensible way to operate. if you stick with someone your own age the odds of growing old together and staying together are much higher.

[The Maelstrom]

That's assuming the odds of a couple staying together long term are good in the first place.

[azelismia]

the odds are probably better if ages are more closely aligned. it's true nothing is guaranteed but a vast difference in age is just one more HUGE obstacle for a LTR to conquer.

studies have been done on relationships that have lasted for a long period of time. it was found that people who are more similar than not have a better chance of beating the odds.

[curiousgeorge01]

Like Rara, if a guy approached me and told me he was 5-10 years younger I'd backpedal as well, pretty damn fast too. However if I found out his age after I was somewhat invested it may not bother me as much.

Yes exactly! Getting over that hump is the hard part!

the whole much younger guy thing sounds like such a bad idea to me. It's all fun and games until someone gets an eye out..

the older woman gets olderand the younger man ditches her to go for a younger woman, in the mean time the woman is so far past her prime that she can't find anyone else and dies alone.

it just doesn't sound like a sensible way to operate. if you stick with someone your own age the odds of growing old together and staying together are much higher.

What ever happened to having fun? I guess the way I look at it is this, you can't guarantee any relationship will last.

What do you like about them? I think I missed the memo about how you feel about them. Is it in this thread?

I don't mind going out with older women, I actually like them more than younger women because they know more of what they want and I do find them damn sexy.

How many of you ladies would go out with someone that much younger??

[The Maelstrom]

the odds are probably better if ages are more closely aligned. it's true nothing is guaranteed but a vast difference in age is just one more HUGE obstacle for a LTR to conquer.

studies have been done on relationships that have lasted for a long period of time. it was found that people who are more similar than not have a better chance of beating the odds.

Wherein does age specifically constitute one of those traits? I highly doubt its dominant in comparison to other similarities. If something like age constituted a sizable measure, I'd find most relationships pretty fickle.

[Lucid]

the older woman gets olderand the younger man ditches her to go for a younger woman, in the mean time the woman is so far past her prime that she can't find anyone else and dies alone.

it just doesn't sound like a sensible way to operate. if you stick with someone your own age the odds of growing old together and staying together are much higher.

Who said anything about staying together?

And I'm not very worried about dying alone. I don't see why it's a big deal to be married when you die.

[JustMel]

Already have, intend to some more in the future. I think everyone already has an idea about how I feel about them.

Aren't you living with a girlfriend?


For me, I always tended to avoid relationships with younger guys other than the occasional hanging out or one night stand. My reasoning was most acted immature and my standard response was, "No thanks. I didn't date people 19 (insert any age) when I was 19". I generally dated older guys. My first husband was 14 years older than me. He graduated HS the same year I went to 1st grade.

[The Maelstrom]

Aren't you living with a girlfriend?

Nope. Dunno where you got that idea. I've been separated since before joining the forum. My ex is over 10yrs older than I btw ;)

[azelismia]

Wherein does age specifically constitute one of those traits? I highly doubt its dominant in comparison to other similarities. If something like age constituted a sizable measure, I'd find most relationships pretty fickle.


I think it is. shared outlook includes having grown up in a same time frame so you appreciate the same things. there is a feeling of alienation when your partner was a kid when all the things that moulded you were taking place. Anything that brings up feelings of alienation is definitely included. also with any wide gap of age you're probably going thru different stages of life. you're learning different things and coming to different realizations.

it really is a big deal.

for those who say lighten up and have fun, who is looking for serious?

since when is dating fun? in a relationship I am looking for a best friend and a partner not a boytoy.

just having fun is absolutely not part of my lifestyle. I don't want that to read that I do not have fun because I do, I just don't consider disposable relationships fun.

I doubt I am the only one here to think this way. I know I am one of the few actually in their late 30's here and I know it's a lot more common to just be "having fun" in your 20's, but I've never been comfortable doing that. I don't like the drama of a fast turn over life style. I don't like drama period.

I went thru 8 years of dating in my 30's. When guys my OWN AGE found out that I was in my 30's they back pedalled, they only wanted Women in their 20's. The other big issue is that most of the guys who were cool with Women their own age were religious and still wanted you to get busy popping out kids right away before it was too late; another two undoable issues.





dating does not get easier with age. it gets a lot harder.

My husband is 3 years younger than me but I don't think that was quite robbing the cradle.

[rara avis]

george, case in point: BlackOp refuses to tell me how old he is. I'm not sure why. I think it started out as a game, but my robot brain is having trouble rationalizing the purpose.

He just teases his way around it, and if I try to be persistent, he just dodges even faster and starts laughing at me. And I put up with him anyway.

So, when a woman asks how old you are, just say, "Not telling" or "Wouldn't you like to know" or "Count my rings and find out" or "Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway" or whatever. Don't lie, just refuse to tell. If you can be playful about it, it might keep her from being too suspicious about your agenda.

I have every expectation that once we FINALLY DO meet up in person, I will find out that BlackOp is all of 15 years old.
(FTR, thanks to some haphazard data gathering and mixed-up math on my part, I'm pretty sure he's about 6-7 years older than I am.)

[dalidaisy]

I doubt I am the only one here to think this way.

dating does not get easier with age. it gets a lot harder.

No, you are not the only one. You're post was spot on.

I think that the "cougars" that are looking for younger men may have hit a plateau in their lives where they aren't looking for relationships, but, rather the fun they miss from their youth. They probably are either independently wealthy or have a low self-esteem (or both) & feel a need to be desired by someone younger in order to get an ego boost.

Naturally, someone who happens to fall for for someone much younger just based on a mutual connection would not necessarily be called a "cougar".

And, of course, there are exceptions to every rule.

[The Maelstrom]

I think it is. shared outlook includes having grown up in a same time frame so you appreciate the same things. there is a feeling of alienation when your partner was a kid when all the things that moulded you were taking place. Anything that brings up feelings of alienation is definitely included. also with any wide gap of age you're probably going thru different stages of life. you're learning different things and coming to different realizations.

it really is a big deal.


It depends really. I find there were much more "wow, I'm impressed you know about/think that" moments then there were "Right, I forget how young you are sometimes" in mine. And the ones where you relate just seem to re-enforce your connection all the more.

[azelismia]

It depends really. I find there were much more "wow, I'm impressed you know about/think that" moments then there were "Right, I forget how young you are sometimes" in mine. And the ones where you relate just seem to re-enforce your connection all the more.


don't you think having someone say I am impressed you know/think about that.. is somewhat condescending? It may be you were pumped by it and she was just thinking how young you were.

the differences probably wouldn't be spoken aloud. it might be something you were just never aware of as the younger party. Notice your relationship didn't last.

[rara avis]

...I doubt I am the only one here to think this way. I know I am one of the few actually in their late 30's here and I know it's a lot more common to just be "having fun" in your 20's, but I've never been comfortable doing that. I don't like the drama of a fast turn over life style. I don't like drama period.
...


Personally, I'm with you. I don't date for fun, because it isn't fun, it's annoying and stressful and tiresome, and most of all, almost entirely useless. If I find one single person that I like enough to want to spend time with, and to whom I am attracted sexually, I am NOT KIDDING, they had better watch out. That is a rare find, and I will not stop short of chloroforming them, dragging them home, and chaining them in my bedroom closet.

Flings are not my style. And I have a hard time imagining someone 10 yrs younger than I fitting the bill for a major relationship, even a very close friendship - just going by the obviously age-related differences between myself and people with whom I'm acquainted.


My husband is 3 years younger than me but I don't think that was quite robbing the cradle.

I remember feeling appalled as a child when I learned that my mother is two years older than my father. I don't know where I ever got the idea that it was against the rules... TV, I suppose. Must've inferred it from sitcoms, somehow.

[The Maelstrom]

don't you think having someone say I am impressed you know/think about that.. is somewhat condescending? It may be you were pumped by it and she was just thinking how young you were.

lol, it was said mostly in a teasing manner, but yes, why not feel pumped about relating to each other?

[Seriously]

I'm not sure I would call myself a cougar since I don't actively seek out younger men, but I do tend to end up with them. My last 6 year relationship was with a man 9 years younger than me. Most people thought he was older than me.

[azelismia]

Personally, I'm with you. I don't date for fun, because it isn't fun, it's annoying and stressful and tiresome, and most of all, almost entirely useless. If I find one single person that I like enough to want to spend time with, and to whom I am attracted sexually, I am NOT KIDDING, they had better watch out. That is a rare find, and I will not stop short of chloroforming them, dragging them home, and chaining them in my bedroom closet.

Flings are not my style. And I have a hard time imagining someone 10 yrs younger than I fitting the bill for a major relationship, even a very close friendship - just going by the obviously age-related differences between myself and people with whom I'm acquainted.



I remember feeling appalled as a child when I learned that my mother is two years older than my father. I don't know where I ever got the idea that it was against the rules... TV, I suppose. Must've inferred it from sitcoms, somehow.


yeah, on one of my first dates after getting divorced I found out the guy I had gone out with was 2 years younger.. I couldn't run fast enough. Now, I think I was being silly.. a few years in either direction doesn't matter. not really. But at first.. what a wall!

my ideal was that the man must be 2 years older. no more no less.

I have no idea where that came from either.





azelismia added to this post, 1 minutes and 28 seconds later...

lol, it was said mostly in a teasing manner, but yes, why not feel pumped about relating to each other?


my point was about the perceptions. you percieve one thing, she perceives another.

[The Maelstrom]

my point was about the perceptions. you perceive one thing, she perceives another.

I know she believes age to be one of the reasons we split. I don't debate that's how she felt about it but I also think it's easier for people to lump it up to some uncontrollable factor than examine their own and their partner's issues closely. Nonetheless we're remaining pretty friendly and its not just because we have a son together.

the differences probably wouldn't be spoken aloud. it might be something you were just never aware of as the younger party. Notice your relationship didn't last.

And many relationships do? How many divorcees do we have on the forum? Besides the circumstances of my relationship were a bit... particular. Sufficed to say, we didn't start out together in the typical manner and our living conditions were pretty harsh. It was definitely due to the little things that we didn't work out. I would give an A+ personality type versus a B as a general example.

[SeaCzar]

Isn't it natural for older women to want to shag younger guys? Older men sure enjoy shagging younger women. If you're in the game only for sex, let the good times roll!

[paleoeco]

Isn't there some line about sexual peaking?

Something like women reach their sexual peak around 35, and men around 18? It would seem to me to make sense to chase younger men .

[rara avis]

Isn't there some line about sexual peaking?

Something like women reach their sexual peak around 35, and men around 18? It would seem to me to make sense to chase younger men .

I suppose it largely depends on what one wants them for.

[azelismia]

I suppose it largely depends on what one wants them for.


yeah, but as the original question seems to be aimed at why older women aren't interested in younger men.. I find it funny how the guys are trying desperately to rationalize why older women should be absolutely down with it even in the face of a few women explaining why they aren't into it.

granted I have met women who are just in it for casual sex.. the ones I have known were absolutely NOT intj though and they weren't even representative of your average female.

[llBradll]

I find it funny how the guys are trying desperately to rationalize why older women should be absolutely down with it even in the face of a few women explaining why they aren't into it. It's actually very simple. The women are saying a lack of maturity primarily, and the guys here think they aren't lacking, and who's to say that they aren't?
I think people should ignore age, because it's only a number. I think anybody who says differently is most likely dependent on social acceptance.

[dalidaisy]

Isn't there some line about sexual peaking?

Something like women reach their sexual peak around 35, and men around 18? It would seem to me to make sense to chase younger men .

It's not as great as it sounds, trust me. There's something to say about experience & yes, maturity, even if you are just in it for sex.

Perhaps men don't mind "shagging" younger women because they aren't concerned about these things. I think for women, at least ones like me, sex is more than just about getting off.

This speaks on the attractiveness quotient as well.

[Seriously]

I think people should ignore age, because it's only a number. I think anybody who says differently is most likely dependent on social acceptance.

That's how I see it. I don't care how old someone is or isn't. I care if they make me laugh, think or are just enjoyable company in general. That how I choose my friends and people who might become more than friends.

Maybe I'm jaded but I don't worry so much anymore about how long a relationship might last because I don't believe in forever anymore. I believe in here and now.

[azelismia]

It's actually very simple. The women are saying a lack of maturity primarily, and the guys here think they aren't lacking, and who's to say that they aren't?
I think people should ignore age, because it's only a number. I think anybody who says differently is most likely dependent on social acceptance.


I never said it was a lack of maturity. I said it was a difference on where you're coming from. what you grew up with shapes you as does where you are in life. in your 20's you're learning different things than you are in your 30's and 40's.

[rara avis]

It's actually very simple. The women are saying a lack of maturity primarily, and the guys here think they aren't lacking, and who's to say that they aren't?

Well, I am, if I like. Whether you care or not is up to you.

I think people should ignore age, because it's only a number. I think anybody who says differently is most likely dependent on social acceptance.

Age is not "only a number", that's a silly thing to say. You may observe, for instance, that you are not the same now as you were when you were 7.

It is how long you have been alive; the amount of time you've had to do and redo things, to figure out some things about yourself, what you do, and how you relate to other people. It is the phase your body is likely going through, including your brain.

Everyone here, particularly NTs, should be familiar, of course, with the concept of square pegs, that people are not uniformly made, that everyone is a special snowflake. And at the same time, everyone here should be comfortable with the use of categories and context in outlining and understanding people and their behavior. Age is one of those categories. You have to have some flexibility about this kind of thing, but that doesn't invalidate the category itself.

[llBradll]

I need to clarify more. Az, I wasn't saying you, I was responding to the general response thus far from females, and Rara, I know catergories can be useful, but they can also be bullshit. I'm just saying that IMO age shouldn't be a primary indicator of whether you like somebody or not.

Sure generalisations have their uses, but don't be too dependent on them.

[dalidaisy]

I need to clarify more. Az, I wasn't saying you, I was responding to the general response thus far from females, and Rara, I know catergories can be useful, but they can also be bullshit. I'm just saying that IMO age shouldn't be a primary indicator of whether you like somebody or not.

Sure generalisations have their uses, but don't be too dependent on them.


Well, I speak from experience & don't like using generalizations, as there are always exceptions. However, I choose to date people around my own age for reasons all my own, based on what I've learned that I like & don't, through my own personal experience. And, yes, I have had relationships with much younger men (much older men as well). I do notice similarities that are unattractive to me & thus have mostly ruled them out.

That's not to say I wouldn't change my mind, but the same as the rest of you, I have things that I look for in another person with which I will spend a great deal of time.

[llBradll]

I think that's what I've been trying to say. You can use generalisations, but still keep an open perspective.

[Charly09]

Isn't there some line about sexual peaking?

Something like women reach their sexual peak around 35, and men around 18? It would seem to me to make sense to chase younger men .

These numbers put a smile on my face. I actually doubt them very much. Must be coming from the 60"s or even 50's.

Especially as a INTJ there is nothing to peak with 18. Since sex is getting better with experience, I wouldn't chase an 18 year old :)

[curiousgeorge01]

Nope. Dunno where you got that idea. I've been separated since before joining the forum. My ex is over 10yrs older than I btw ;)

So how was hooking up with someone 10 years older like that? Must be AWESOME!





curiousgeorge01 added to this post, 0 minutes and 35 seconds later...

george, case in point: BlackOp refuses to tell me how old he is. I'm not sure why. I think it started out as a game, but my robot brain is having trouble rationalizing the purpose.

He just teases his way around it, and if I try to be persistent, he just dodges even faster and starts laughing at me. And I put up with him anyway.

So, when a woman asks how old you are, just say, "Not telling" or "Wouldn't you like to know" or "Count my rings and find out" or "Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway" or whatever. Don't lie, just refuse to tell. If you can be playful about it, it might keep her from being too suspicious about your agenda.

I have every expectation that once we FINALLY DO meet up in person, I will find out that BlackOp is all of 15 years old.
(FTR, thanks to some haphazard data gathering and mixed-up math on my part, I'm pretty sure he's about 6-7 years older than I am.)

Ok I'll remember that. I didn't know you had something going on with him. LOL





curiousgeorge01 added to this post, 3 minutes and 3 seconds later...

Well, I speak from experience & don't like using generalizations, as there are always exceptions. However, I choose to date people around my own age for reasons all my own, based on what I've learned that I like & don't, through my own personal experience. And, yes, I have had relationships with much younger men (much older men as well). I do notice similarities that are unattractive to me & thus have mostly ruled them out.

That's not to say I wouldn't change my mind, but the same as the rest of you, I have things that I look for in another person with which I will spend a great deal of time.

Yes I can understand liking to date around your age, I don't get the "automatic backpeddling" response. What is it? Fear? Fear of what? How many relationships really work out anyway? We haven't even tried yet!

[NoSukker]

I have dated an lady who was 7 years older then me, we had a great time but in the end the age difference was too much for her to overcome. At the time I did not know what she meant until I dated someone around 10 years younger then myself. I now know that the age difference is hard to overcome when you are older. The younger lady was just at a different spot in her life than I was at, even though we had a lot of fun together. But I do know many people who can make the age difference work and are very happy together. So I guess it is just a matter of preference.

[WoodsWoman]

Have been rather the opposite of the Cougar - though I may become one... My late husband was significantly older than myself - we were married when I was 20 and he was 60. Most people thought by about 20 years, but it was actually twice that. I got to know him before age was even considered as an issue - so when people around me found out and had cat fits my response was "So what?" If the cat fits had appeared before I got to know him they might (a very qualified might) have made a difference. We made it work for nearly 22 years.

I've met one couple with an age difference of 30 years, in which the man was younger. I am aware of some life difficulties/insecurities that make this the best match for each of them. Other than that the age differences in people I know are guy older, girl younger. My two sisters are married to guys 7 and 12 years older, and a cousin who's husband is 20 years older - and these are all stable relationships.

So - a relationship is whatever two people choose to make it. They work if you work at it - age just brings in a different set of issues, not necessarily an additional set of issues.

[dalidaisy]

Yes I can understand liking to date around your age, I don't get the "automatic backpeddling" response. What is it? Fear? Fear of what? How many relationships really work out anyway? We haven't even tried yet!

Well, to be honest, I backpedal on just about any guy. I don't like to date. It's hard for someone to get into my personal space. I'm not the type who looks for "love" & relationships. Somehow, they just happen. I guess I'm just really picky now. I feel that I can be after being married twice with negative results. I fear going back to that again, you know? Being in a relationship that isn't working & having a hard time getting out.

So, I learn from my mistakes, remember what didn't work & seek to avoid potential problems. Should I really be faulted for this? Am I somehow wrong here? What makes anyone have preferences, anyway?

[Merle]

My current boyfriend is 5 years younger than me, and it is not a problem at all. Having said that, if I had not know him before we started going out I would almost certainly not have started a relationship with him solely for the age-gap reason.

I'm in my mid-twenties and any guy between 5 and 8 years younger than me is filed in the "partying-stoner-student" category automatically by my brain. That's obviously an unfair blanket judgement to make... but I can't help it - I see guys at that age as having different values and priorities than mine. And while that's not true for some, it is probably true for most, so the relationship hit-rate is likely to be lower... I don't think it's crazy to assume that you are likely to have similar priorities to other people your age, you're therefore more likely to find a lasting relationship with someone your own age.

[loosefanbelt]

I have dated men in a range of 10+ years older than me to about 5+ years younger. Some people are a product of their generation and some people are timeless. Some people are developmentally advanced no matter their age.

Having just been madly in love for years and having my husband recently die makes me see that:

if you find love and mutuality... that you should go for it.

I would think a long term couple might worry over death of the older partner for the younger partner, but it happened to me anyway with a relatively young spouse, and I would NOT have traded those years for ANYTHING, even with all the pain I have now.

I do not like the term "cougar". It sounds predatory to me. It also sounds like there is not mutual care and respect.

I have seen some of these older/younger relationships in real life and they do not look anything different than other healthy relationships. In fact, they look pedestrian. They are not like Harold and Maude or Breakfast at Tiffany's or The Graduate. (Boy that was an era for movie making, huh???)

I think love is always about respect and putting the other first, not about the score.

[azelismia]

I have dated men in a range of 10+ years older than me to about 5+ years younger. Some people are a product of their generation and some people are timeless. Some people are developmentally advanced no matter their age.

Having just been madly in love for years and having my husband recently die makes me see that:

if you find love and mutuality... that you should go for it.

I would think a long term couple might worry over death of the older partner for the younger partner, but it happened to me anyway with a relatively young spouse, and I would NOT have traded those years for ANYTHING, even with all the pain I have now.

I do not like the term "cougar". It sounds predatory to me. It also sounds like there is not mutual care and respect.

I have seen some of these older/younger relationships in real life and they do not look anything different than other healthy relationships. In fact, they look pedestrian. They are not like Harold and Maude or Breakfast at Tiffany's or The Graduate. (Boy that was an era for movie making, huh???)

I think love is always about respect and putting the other first, not about the score.

eh, I don't think Breakfast at tiffany's really qualifies. that was more of an arranged marriage.

[MikeC]

I have been on one date with a divorced 50 year old woman that I met at the gym (in typical fashion, she was the one doing the invite). We had dinner and went back to her place as she wanted to show off her library. It was fun but got creepy when her daughter (who was roughly my age) greeted me nonchalantly at the TV room.

We are still friends, and being well travelled, she is a brilliant conversationalist. And no, I didn't think I was a boytoy to her. It was however a unique experience.

I personally prefer older women in the 30 to 35 age bracket. They are calmer, know much more about what they want, and the whole maturity thing just appeals to me.

[loosefanbelt]

eh, I don't think Breakfast at tiffany's really qualifies. that was more of an arranged marriage.

The relationship between the young man and the married woman who was supporting him as he was writing?

[azelismia]

The relationship between the young man and the married woman who was supporting him as he was writing?


oh, I had forgotten about that. N/M I was thinking of Holly's marriage to the old guy.

[curiousgeorge01]

Well, to be honest, I backpedal on just about any guy. I don't like to date. It's hard for someone to get into my personal space. I'm not the type who looks for "love" & relationships. Somehow, they just happen. I guess I'm just really picky now. I feel that I can be after being married twice with negative results. I fear going back to that again, you know? Being in a relationship that isn't working & having a hard time getting out.

So, I learn from my mistakes, remember what didn't work & seek to avoid potential problems. Should I really be faulted for this? Am I somehow wrong here? What makes anyone have preferences, anyway?

No you wouldn't be faulted for that, after all everyone has their own self defense from life experience.





curiousgeorge01 added to this post, 0 minutes and 45 seconds later...

My current boyfriend is 5 years younger than me, and it is not a problem at all. Having said that, if I had not know him before we started going out I would almost certainly not have started a relationship with him solely for the age-gap reason.

I'm in my mid-twenties and any guy between 5 and 8 years younger than me is filed in the "partying-stoner-student" category automatically by my brain. That's obviously an unfair blanket judgement to make... but I can't help it - I see guys at that age as having different values and priorities than mine. And while that's not true for some, it is probably true for most, so the relationship hit-rate is likely to be lower... I don't think it's crazy to assume that you are likely to have similar priorities to other people your age, you're therefore more likely to find a lasting relationship with someone your own age.

Ok I suppose that's understandable. I guess to me, that means always avoiding the age issue until she gets to know me =).





curiousgeorge01 added to this post, 3 minutes and 36 seconds later...

I have been on one date with a divorced 50 year old woman that I met at the gym (in typical fashion, she was the one doing the invite). We had dinner and went back to her place as she wanted to show off her library. It was fun but got creepy when her daughter (who was roughly my age) greeted me nonchalantly at the TV room.

We are still friends, and being well travelled, she is a brilliant conversationalist. And no, I didn't think I was a boytoy to her. It was however a unique experience.

I personally prefer older women in the 30 to 35 age bracket. They are calmer, know much more about what they want, and the whole maturity thing just appeals to me.

Go Mikey C! LOL.

Yes women in that age range just don't play around as much and I find it damn sexy that they're so confident about themselves!

[DanteFalling]

I have been approached by probably 3-4 attractive women who average about 5-10 years older than me in the past 2 years. However, as soon as they have any indication of my age they feel like a pervert or some cradle robber. What gives? I don't mind going out with an older woman.


I read somewhere that it is usually the older woman who leaves the younger man in those dating situations because they don't want to look ridiculous.

That is probably changing a bit.

It really depends on how old you are. If you're 20, then a woman ten years older might have considerably more life experience (based on education systems/voting/jobs,etc), but if you're 35 and she's 45, meh: not that different.

But, what do I know: my great-grandmother (90 and married to a man for fifty years now who is about ten years younger than her) is a cougar and so is my mom (47 and married to a 36 yr old).

[curiousgeorge01]

I read somewhere that it is usually the older woman who leaves the younger man in those dating situations because they don't want to look ridiculous.

That is probably changing a bit.

It really depends on how old you are. If you're 20, then a woman ten years older might have considerably more life experience (based on education systems/voting/jobs,etc), but if you're 35 and she's 45, meh: not that different.

But, what do I know: my great-grandmother (90 and married to a man for fifty years now who is about ten years younger than her) is a cougar and so is my mom (47 and married to a 36 yr old).

hahaha! I like your family =).

Yes I did date one women 10 years older as I mentioned earlier in the thread. She was actually more kiddish than me! She thought I WAS too serious! The reason why it ended it because she thought it was too weird for her even though I was mature enough! I just gave up because I thought "if that's how you feel, I can't change that."

[DanteFalling]

That's the trick with immaturity- while you're immature, you can't understand what it is you're yet missing.

Because of premature height and being "very serious," men always seemed to think I was much older. When they did find out my age, they had to make a big deal out of my "maturity," perhaps to not feel like pedophiles. I wasn't mature: I didn't want to be. I was interested in school, work, making money, and learning about the world. They couldn't understand why, with my ostensible "maturity" our dates didn't turn into wanting to get married. I was freaking 20.

My point: being serious/introspective/introverted, etc doesn't make a person mature (I don't think anyone's implied this so far) in the sense of being ready to start a LTR or family.

My guess is that the word is usually used by the young to mean they are "capable," not excessively emotionally needy, and fully functioning sexually. People 30+ tend to use it to mean "interested in LTR, selflessness, and family."





DanteFalling added to this post, 23 minutes and 35 seconds later...

hahaha! I like your family =).

Yes I did date one women 10 years older as I mentioned earlier in the thread. She was actually more kiddish than me! She thought I WAS too serious! The reason why it ended it because she thought it was too weird for her even though I was mature enough! I just gave up because I thought "if that's how you feel, I can't change that."

Yes, that seems to fit with the stereotype of the older woman leaving.

I've dated men my age, a few years younger and over twice my age.
17-59
The three oldest guys were
42 when I was 20,
59 when I was 21,
and 51 when I was 23.
None of these knew my age: each figured me to be about 28-30.

Only serious relationships: with men age 20-25. 1/2 of them were actually younger than me at the time. :stunned:

[ENTP2TheCore]

My most successful long-term relationships have been with men 1-13 years younger than I, with the exception of a relationship in my 20s with a man 2 years older. Therefore, it didn't surprise me to find this:

"Generally immature until their late 30s or early 40s, the young ENTP is a socially awkward animal since they rarely fit in with the herd, and require 40 years to comprehend why this is and what to do about it."

I will walk away from any younger guy who shows the slightest negative reaction to my age. There are far too many who are into it. However, I don't like to reveal my age right away to younger guys, so here's my advice to you:

When an older woman asks how old you are, ask her, dubiously, "why? how old are YOU?"

-If she balks, say, "cool, let's not reveal our ages, then see who trips up and reveals it first." (This works well for competitive ENTPs)

If she responds w/her age, reply with a compliment about how young she looks/ how interesting the conversation you're ensconced in is/how attractive you find her...etc. Then say, "wow, I seem to meet a lot of women around your age; I guess I have a natural affinity with them. I don't seem to relate as well to well to people in my age group."

[Kris]

Well whenever I have gone to the casino I have had older women come onto me, but I'm kinda picky so I haven't been interested. None have ever asked me how old I am, but most people guess I'm around 25, which is only a touch older than I actually am (23).

The age issue doesn't bother me in that I could definitely spend time with an older woman and I certainly would sleep with one I was attracted to. But, there's no way I could be in a serious relationship with one. Regardless of maturity, at that age difference I've found myself to be on a vastly different 'mental wavelength'...

[countrygirl]

Considering that I might be a "cougar" to some members, here is how I would feel:

5 - 10 year difference ok but 20 year difference would make me feel like a mother to him and that would put sex out of the question. This of course is just based on age and yes it is discrimination. It would be very hard to get over those 'mommy vibes'.

@ couriousgeorge01: best advise so far to smooth things over and get over the age hump:

When an older woman asks how old you are, ask her, dubiously, "why? how old are YOU?"

-If she balks, say, "cool, let's not reveal our ages, then see who trips up and reveals it first." (This works well for competitive ENTPs)

If she responds w/her age, reply with a compliment about how young she looks/ how interesting the conversation you're ensconced in is/how attractive you find her...etc. Then say, "wow, I seem to meet a lot of women around your age; I guess I have a natural affinity with them. I don't seem to relate as well to well to people in my age group."

[LPM]

The most older than me I've been with was 12 years. The most younger I've been with is about 18 years. To fall in love, I think the girl would need to be closer to my age. For just a play date, they were all great. There are amazing things about every woman no matter the age.

[catzmeow]

How many of you ladies would go out with someone that much younger??

I dated a 27-year-old when I was 39 for about six months. It was fun, but I realized over time that it was probably never going to be more than fun.

I enjoyed his company, we had fun together, but our perspectives were very different. I don't necessarily know that it was his age, but moreso his superficialness that grated on me.

We're still friends, and he still flirts with me occasionally, but meh. I think it was a phase.

These days, i'm very happily partnered with someone who is 2 years younger.

[curiousgeorge01]

I dated a 27-year-old when I was 39 for about six months. It was fun, but I realized over time that it was probably never going to be more than fun.

I enjoyed his company, we had fun together, but our perspectives were very different. I don't necessarily know that it was his age, but moreso his superficialness that grated on me.

We're still friends, and he still flirts with me occasionally, but meh. I think it was a phase.

These days, i'm very happily partnered with someone who is 2 years younger.

Yes that's like the one I dated, I think she just had fun with me and it didn't last long.

[larkin]

I seem to have that issue. I'm 32 but still feel a bit young for my age, plus I have a thing about commitment. So, younger guys seem to be into me and I'm fine with them, if it works out and they're low-key about the whole thing.

So the question is what you want out of it? Do you want a serious relationship? Seems unlikely; I wouldn't rule it out but it's just not what I'm looking for if I'm with a younger guy.

[curiousgeorge01]

Well I suppose I just want to have fun too. I just don't like it when they dismiss it as soon as they find out my age. I mean, you obviously approached me for a reason right?

[Elfrun]

I just don't like it when they dismiss it as soon as they find out my age. I mean, you obviously approached me for a reason right?

I seriously don't think there's anything wrong with not disclosing your age too soon, if they get to know you and don't question your maturity or the connection you have then why would it matter if they found out your age later. Obviously not everyone's going to feel the same about that but if they're approaching you then it's worth trying to be ambivalent about it.

[catzmeow]

Yes that's like the one I dated, I think she just had fun with me and it didn't last long.

I think a huge part of it is that older women are quite terrified of looking ridiculous. I would bring him around my friends, and they would all look at me with this knowing look in their eyes, like, "Nice boy toy." Or, "We know why you're dating him - S-E-X." At least, that was my perception of it. One of the secretaries at my office saw us together at the mall, holding hands, and made a point of saying something to me about it, in front of a bunch of other co-workers. She asked me how old he was, and I said 27, and she was like, "are you seriously dating him?"

I kind of brazened it out, but over time it kind of wore on me.

Beyond that, I was afraid to get too attached to him, because it was my belief that he would not consider a serious relationship with someone so much older. So, I forced myself to keep it on a fun/light level and enjoy it for what it was. When I realized I was ready for someone closer to my own age, and something more serious, I broke it off, but we remained friends.

We've now been friends for 4 years, and I realize at this point in time that he would probably be happy to date me seriously, but having been friends so long, I realize that we are essentially incompatible. We are just at very different places in life, and I want someone who is more serious and less focused on playing.

But, I think that he actually found me quite sexy (unbelievable to me), and he liked my maturity in comparison to the women his age. When we were dating, I couldn't have believed that was possible. He has since gone on to date several other older women, but I can't go a week without him telling me that he wishes we'd met at a different time, when I wasn't quite so newly divorced and he was more ready to settle down.

So, any younger man who wants to date an older woman seriously has quite a job of selling her on the idea ahead of him, in my opinion. Because, most of the obstacles were inside of my head.

[curiousgeorge01]

I think a huge part of it is that older women are quite terrified of looking ridiculous. I would bring him around my friends, and they would all look at me with this knowing look in their eyes, like, "Nice boy toy." Or, "We know why you're dating him - S-E-X." At least, that was my perception of it. One of the secretaries at my office saw us together at the mall, holding hands, and made a point of saying something to me about it, in front of a bunch of other co-workers. She asked me how old he was, and I said 27, and she was like, "are you seriously dating him?"

I kind of brazened it out, but over time it kind of wore on me.

Beyond that, I was afraid to get too attached to him, because it was my belief that he would not consider a serious relationship with someone so much older. So, I forced myself to keep it on a fun/light level and enjoy it for what it was. When I realized I was ready for someone closer to my own age, and something more serious, I broke it off, but we remained friends.

We've now been friends for 4 years, and I realize at this point in time that he would probably be happy to date me seriously, but having been friends so long, I realize that we are essentially incompatible. We are just at very different places in life, and I want someone who is more serious and less focused on playing.

But, I think that he actually found me quite sexy (unbelievable to me), and he liked my maturity in comparison to the women his age. When we were dating, I couldn't have believed that was possible. He has since gone on to date several other older women, but I can't go a week without him telling me that he wishes we'd met at a different time, when I wasn't quite so newly divorced and he was more ready to settle down.

So, any younger man who wants to date an older woman seriously has quite a job of selling her on the idea ahead of him, in my opinion. Because, most of the obstacles were inside of my head.


That's a good description of what happens. When it's a man and a younger women, men don't give you "the eye" they just say "way to go." It seems with women, other women show their disapproval right away and that's hard to overcome for a male who just wants to date to see how it goes. It's like he's already defeated before he has begun.

I def find older women sexy. They seem to know what they want and they are less catty with me. =)

[catzmeow]

That's a good description of what happens. When it's a man and a younger women, men don't give you "the eye" they just say "way to go." It seems with women, other women show their disapproval right away and that's hard to overcome for a male who just wants to date to see how it goes. It's like he's already defeated before he has begun.

I def find older women sexy. They seem to know what they want and they are less catty with me. =)

I think that if you know what the obstacles are going in, and you are looking for a more serious relationship, and you like older women, you have to be blunt about that. You may even have to do so more than you'd expect, just to overcome the barrier that a lot of older women may have about going there.

[annaelizabeth]

ahhhh, according to the chart I am a puma. Interesting.
I used to think age was a huge issue for relationships. My aunt (who was in her 90's) always said she was taught not to date anyone more than 5 years younger or older. Her husband was I think 2 or 3 years younger, but if he was 6 years, I doubt she would have dated him. She was that specific about the age thing and highly disapproved of my cousin's marriage to a man 20 years older.
I do think sometimes, if the relationship turns serious, you've got one person who is younger and ready to experience life, and you've got another one who is ready to sit on the couch. However, people can be that way regardless of age, so I don't think it's necessarily an age factor. I do tend to find some younger men attractive, but only the ones who seem genuine, honest, sweet, and down to earth. I was never into arrogant, ignorant boys, even when I was their age. It's a total turn off to me at any age.
I have been attracted to older men as well. It really boils down to their personality. If someone is a genuinely nice person, that shines through, and makes them even more attractive to me. If someone is an arrogant shit, then they literally become less physically attractive to me. Their appearance is the same, but my perception of them has completely changed and I can't see the beauty in them anymore.
I know, for myself, I wouldn't want to date anyone much more than 15 years either way. Just because for me, that would be a cutoff point. However, I would be open to any age, if I was looking. So I wouldn't throw someone out for being 16 years older than me if he was amazing on all other levels.

[MikeAZ]

My point: being serious/introspective/introverted, etc doesn't make a person mature (I don't think anyone's implied this so far)

I have several older sisters and often tagged along. When I started dating I often found myself with older women. While the characteristics Dante mentions don’t make one mature, they can help someone fit in with an older crowd. (I like her quote)

My wife is not my age and most people guess she is younger.