Knucklecallus
05-11-2009, 05:00 AM
Hello,
If you don't want to read the whole thing, skip down to the supercondensed version. Please understand that writing this out helped me understand what happened, so that is why it turned out so long.
I have a particularly strange dynamic to share. I am an xNFP male, a senior in a private high school. I am compassionate, a deep thinker with a quick smile. About 13 months ago, an INTJ girl was very into me. She began to send me text messages asking me to coffee, flirting as we passed on the way to the barn (our cafeteria). We would talk over AIM about Hillary Clinton and Obama, discussing such topics readily and continuously. We both are in the same class, and have been going to the same school for 14 years, but last year was the first time we actually communicated. Anyway, seeing as this was the height of my individualistic, Emersonian / Twain philosophical soul search period, I decided that I didn't need a relationship. My decision was probably more ethics based than I remember, and I probably decided that I shouldn't try to have a relationship with someone that I wasn't all that attracted to. Don't get me wrong, she is a very beautiful woman, with a strong will, softly sharp features, pale complexion, elegant figure, brown eyes that flash a clever intelligence and depth. I mean, she is the daughter of a surgeon, loves biology as much as I do. But for some reason, I held off.
She obviously respected my intellect, liked my passion, and wanted to learn more.
So, June comes around and most of my close friends have graduated and gone on summer adventures. I begin to wonder why I didn't follow through with the girl. I text her, wondering if she would like to meet up for coffee. She responds, ecstatic, and ends up planning out a date during which we go to an iMAX theater to watch a film about Dinosaurs. How cool is that? I decide to hold her hand, and as the movie ends, I go to kiss her, expecting a peck, and end up kissing more passionately than anticipated. We walk out hand in hand and drive to a brilliant thai restaurant, where we sit across from each other and simply talked. I do not even remember what about, but for at least an hour, we smiled and connected without ever experiencing a lapse in conversation or an awkward pause. She has to leave, and I walk her to her car and she kisses me, eyes shining and laughing, saying that she wants to see me the next day.
So, a perfect date.
I have to leave the next day for a backpacking trip, and tell her this. I tell two of my best friends that night, one who is an ENFP/J, one year my junior. The other is an immature I/ESTP, I am sure that he is something along the lines of that. Pretty much, he satisfies all of the indulgence that I try to avoid. And to this latter friend, I emphasize the fact that he cannot tell anyone, under the threat of death. And if does tell anyone, I made sure that he understood that there was one person that he could never tell. He comes in later.
(3 weeks later now, after my trips...) I turn on my phone to hear a message from her explaining that she didn't know if what we did was right. She sounded anxious, and said that we should talk about what happened, to decide if we really meant it. I call back and leave a message, explaining that I am up for anything, and just want to communicate. No response from the girl. I decide that the ball is in her court, and if she wants to follow through, she can (that hurt).
A month later, I receive a call from the guy that I told best friend #2 to absolutely never tell about the date. He explains that best friend #2 told him in the hot tub. So, the guy calls the girl, asking if it is true, and she denies it and says that I kissed her but she broke it off. The guy says that she sounded panicked. I try to get as much information as I can, but that is pretty much all.
So, I try to call her, but she doesn't pick up. A few weeks later, we start to text again, but on a superficial layer. She seems different, elevated. Not the same person? I get the feeling that she thinks she has me under her thumb, and so I overcompensate by shutting her off right when the school year begins. An awkward, unsure separation drifts in, and we don't talk for months. Finally, around December, we start talking and end up having an incredible conversation in the library after school one day. I sit down by her to help her with her English paper. She accepts my offer and I work through her thesis, spinning off new ideas, which eventually evolves into a discussion about the nonexistence of abstract concepts like the mind, society, relationships, love, connections. Ironically, we end up connecting, two minds finally finding a separate mind that thinks about the same things in the same depth. Something akin to making mental love... sounds strange. I could feel, see, I knew the way things could have been if we had continued to talk more often, went on a few dates, just had allowed things to continue naturally. Talking with my English teacher, I brought up my continued frustration at my inability to properly connect with class when I taught. To my surprise, he told me that the girl had just told him that she loved my classes, because I asked questions that made the class freeze and think. So she respected my mind again. In fact, I am pretty sure she transferred into my 2nd semester english class because I was in it.
I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and she answered sincerely (emotional intuition is fun to have), replying yes. She also is the president of the senior class, runs a beekeeping business, has to stay on top of an incredible amount of academic work (great private school we go to), college applications, on and on. She was busy. So we tried to make a date during which we could hang out, and she gave me a friday that was two weeks away.
I thought she was going to follow through with the plans, but in retrospect, I have no idea why I didn't follow through. I wondered if she really was interested, and so didn't pressure the plans. We just talked casually for the next two weeks, and the friday came and went. Things turned awkward again, I tried calling her, didn't pick up, left a message saying that we should at least talk.
Nothing.
And so after a few months of this, we start talking again and by this time, I have realized that this relationship, even a friendship, is not worth chasing. I do realize that I desperately want to know what happened, and so try to set up another time during which we could hang out. She promises to give me a date, and never does. I figure screw it, and she starts to insult my ideas in English class by acting as if they hold no weight, no value. I feel like she tried to argue against my claims just for the sake of arguing. She becomes totally distant, shuts me off, but at the same time, I still feel that spark from the first date.
And after a week of mental anguish, I decide that I will regret inaction over action, and ask her to prom, explaining that it would be the perfect time for us to talk. her body language says yes (eyes shining, blushing, laughing, hair playing) but she tells me that she already turned down another guy and promised herself as a freshman that she wouldn't go to prom as a senior. She eventually says that she will think about it, and school ends for the day. I receive a text later saying that she can't because family friends are coming to town, and says that "I really shouldn't want to go with her anyways, haha." I responded, explaining that I didn't care at all about prom, but just wanted to have a time during which we could talk about what had happened. Inaction would haunt us more than action, i said. I apologized for what happened 11 months ago, and told her that all of this was because of communication past due.
She never responded, never came to prom, she received my text messages, and when I called her once, she didn't pick up. The day after prom, at a fundraiser, she gives me her phone so I can call my replacement for the cotton candy machine, and she has what I think is her address book but is actually her recent calls list open. I flick through it, annoyed by the untidiness, and realize that all of the names are in black, except for one in red - mine. The only one she didn't respond to. Blatantly ignoring a sincere request for closure, apology. I wasn't actually surprised, or hurt. I already knew the truth.
And now, I am not pursuing this any further, not one bit. I really apologize for the ridiculously long post, with a story that isn't that interesting. But I wanted to hear the INTJ forum take. First, I guess, I'll explain my take.
SUPERCONDENSEDVERSION
Things were great in the beginning, but I screwed it up and she thought I treated it like a hook up, and that hurt, festered, grew, never was addressed, continued to haunt us, I didn't follow through, and now she likes me but has separated herself because
a) she doesn't want to get hurt
b) she doesn't want to start a relationship before summer comes
c) just really doesn't like me, and I have been a stalking fool all along.
(definitely can be true, but doesn't really make sense, given our history)
I know I overthink things, and that it sounds like I just couldn't let this go, but for the last 4 months, all I wanted to do was get together once to talk about what had happened. to figure things out, to communicate. Can someone please shed some insight not into my idiocy, but into what she really felt and thought all along? I know this is the job of the NF, but INTJs seem to understand each other better than I.
If you don't want to read the whole thing, skip down to the supercondensed version. Please understand that writing this out helped me understand what happened, so that is why it turned out so long.
I have a particularly strange dynamic to share. I am an xNFP male, a senior in a private high school. I am compassionate, a deep thinker with a quick smile. About 13 months ago, an INTJ girl was very into me. She began to send me text messages asking me to coffee, flirting as we passed on the way to the barn (our cafeteria). We would talk over AIM about Hillary Clinton and Obama, discussing such topics readily and continuously. We both are in the same class, and have been going to the same school for 14 years, but last year was the first time we actually communicated. Anyway, seeing as this was the height of my individualistic, Emersonian / Twain philosophical soul search period, I decided that I didn't need a relationship. My decision was probably more ethics based than I remember, and I probably decided that I shouldn't try to have a relationship with someone that I wasn't all that attracted to. Don't get me wrong, she is a very beautiful woman, with a strong will, softly sharp features, pale complexion, elegant figure, brown eyes that flash a clever intelligence and depth. I mean, she is the daughter of a surgeon, loves biology as much as I do. But for some reason, I held off.
She obviously respected my intellect, liked my passion, and wanted to learn more.
So, June comes around and most of my close friends have graduated and gone on summer adventures. I begin to wonder why I didn't follow through with the girl. I text her, wondering if she would like to meet up for coffee. She responds, ecstatic, and ends up planning out a date during which we go to an iMAX theater to watch a film about Dinosaurs. How cool is that? I decide to hold her hand, and as the movie ends, I go to kiss her, expecting a peck, and end up kissing more passionately than anticipated. We walk out hand in hand and drive to a brilliant thai restaurant, where we sit across from each other and simply talked. I do not even remember what about, but for at least an hour, we smiled and connected without ever experiencing a lapse in conversation or an awkward pause. She has to leave, and I walk her to her car and she kisses me, eyes shining and laughing, saying that she wants to see me the next day.
So, a perfect date.
I have to leave the next day for a backpacking trip, and tell her this. I tell two of my best friends that night, one who is an ENFP/J, one year my junior. The other is an immature I/ESTP, I am sure that he is something along the lines of that. Pretty much, he satisfies all of the indulgence that I try to avoid. And to this latter friend, I emphasize the fact that he cannot tell anyone, under the threat of death. And if does tell anyone, I made sure that he understood that there was one person that he could never tell. He comes in later.
(3 weeks later now, after my trips...) I turn on my phone to hear a message from her explaining that she didn't know if what we did was right. She sounded anxious, and said that we should talk about what happened, to decide if we really meant it. I call back and leave a message, explaining that I am up for anything, and just want to communicate. No response from the girl. I decide that the ball is in her court, and if she wants to follow through, she can (that hurt).
A month later, I receive a call from the guy that I told best friend #2 to absolutely never tell about the date. He explains that best friend #2 told him in the hot tub. So, the guy calls the girl, asking if it is true, and she denies it and says that I kissed her but she broke it off. The guy says that she sounded panicked. I try to get as much information as I can, but that is pretty much all.
So, I try to call her, but she doesn't pick up. A few weeks later, we start to text again, but on a superficial layer. She seems different, elevated. Not the same person? I get the feeling that she thinks she has me under her thumb, and so I overcompensate by shutting her off right when the school year begins. An awkward, unsure separation drifts in, and we don't talk for months. Finally, around December, we start talking and end up having an incredible conversation in the library after school one day. I sit down by her to help her with her English paper. She accepts my offer and I work through her thesis, spinning off new ideas, which eventually evolves into a discussion about the nonexistence of abstract concepts like the mind, society, relationships, love, connections. Ironically, we end up connecting, two minds finally finding a separate mind that thinks about the same things in the same depth. Something akin to making mental love... sounds strange. I could feel, see, I knew the way things could have been if we had continued to talk more often, went on a few dates, just had allowed things to continue naturally. Talking with my English teacher, I brought up my continued frustration at my inability to properly connect with class when I taught. To my surprise, he told me that the girl had just told him that she loved my classes, because I asked questions that made the class freeze and think. So she respected my mind again. In fact, I am pretty sure she transferred into my 2nd semester english class because I was in it.
I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and she answered sincerely (emotional intuition is fun to have), replying yes. She also is the president of the senior class, runs a beekeeping business, has to stay on top of an incredible amount of academic work (great private school we go to), college applications, on and on. She was busy. So we tried to make a date during which we could hang out, and she gave me a friday that was two weeks away.
I thought she was going to follow through with the plans, but in retrospect, I have no idea why I didn't follow through. I wondered if she really was interested, and so didn't pressure the plans. We just talked casually for the next two weeks, and the friday came and went. Things turned awkward again, I tried calling her, didn't pick up, left a message saying that we should at least talk.
Nothing.
And so after a few months of this, we start talking again and by this time, I have realized that this relationship, even a friendship, is not worth chasing. I do realize that I desperately want to know what happened, and so try to set up another time during which we could hang out. She promises to give me a date, and never does. I figure screw it, and she starts to insult my ideas in English class by acting as if they hold no weight, no value. I feel like she tried to argue against my claims just for the sake of arguing. She becomes totally distant, shuts me off, but at the same time, I still feel that spark from the first date.
And after a week of mental anguish, I decide that I will regret inaction over action, and ask her to prom, explaining that it would be the perfect time for us to talk. her body language says yes (eyes shining, blushing, laughing, hair playing) but she tells me that she already turned down another guy and promised herself as a freshman that she wouldn't go to prom as a senior. She eventually says that she will think about it, and school ends for the day. I receive a text later saying that she can't because family friends are coming to town, and says that "I really shouldn't want to go with her anyways, haha." I responded, explaining that I didn't care at all about prom, but just wanted to have a time during which we could talk about what had happened. Inaction would haunt us more than action, i said. I apologized for what happened 11 months ago, and told her that all of this was because of communication past due.
She never responded, never came to prom, she received my text messages, and when I called her once, she didn't pick up. The day after prom, at a fundraiser, she gives me her phone so I can call my replacement for the cotton candy machine, and she has what I think is her address book but is actually her recent calls list open. I flick through it, annoyed by the untidiness, and realize that all of the names are in black, except for one in red - mine. The only one she didn't respond to. Blatantly ignoring a sincere request for closure, apology. I wasn't actually surprised, or hurt. I already knew the truth.
And now, I am not pursuing this any further, not one bit. I really apologize for the ridiculously long post, with a story that isn't that interesting. But I wanted to hear the INTJ forum take. First, I guess, I'll explain my take.
SUPERCONDENSEDVERSION
Things were great in the beginning, but I screwed it up and she thought I treated it like a hook up, and that hurt, festered, grew, never was addressed, continued to haunt us, I didn't follow through, and now she likes me but has separated herself because
a) she doesn't want to get hurt
b) she doesn't want to start a relationship before summer comes
c) just really doesn't like me, and I have been a stalking fool all along.
(definitely can be true, but doesn't really make sense, given our history)
I know I overthink things, and that it sounds like I just couldn't let this go, but for the last 4 months, all I wanted to do was get together once to talk about what had happened. to figure things out, to communicate. Can someone please shed some insight not into my idiocy, but into what she really felt and thought all along? I know this is the job of the NF, but INTJs seem to understand each other better than I.