Processing Anger

[toonia]

How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence? Anger quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which appears in the end to be a useless frame of mind.

Not processing anger is a big problem. Intellectually I know that it should not be judged or dismissed any more than any other feeling. If you don't process it, then you internalize it. This can cause people to make destructive choices either towards themselves or others. When a person is hurt or violated, the healthy response is anger. They need to feel it in order to get past it. What adds a difficult layer is if the hurt or violation was not intended. Then how do you feel angry? There is still something that needs to be worked through even if you understand why it happened. Then there are situations where a person is hurt or violated by someone intentionally. In that case the response of anger is important, but also clear and easier to feel. But in addition to this anger can result from distorted perceptions. Clarifying the thinking can remove the sense of hurt. This is where it is most difficult to distinguish. What are y our strategies?

[Oica]

Dont smother anger, discard it.

(be sure to draw another XD)

[yondyr]

I walk...the person who generated the anger in me isn't worth relating to. If it was a situation then patience is needed to either work through it or decide if you really need to be that involved that your emotions are outta control. Letting loose the anger at someone or at the situation has always made me regret it afterwards. I don't believe there need be such a thing as internalized damage.

[Maitri1970]

I also walk. I will usually excuse myself from any situation in which I find myself getting so angry that I'm fuming. I won't engage others until I'm reasonable again.

I usually get angry because I sense that I'm not being treated fairly. Something has attacked my sense of justice and my natural response is to get fired up. I'm direct about what I think is unjust and communication begins there. I try to diffuse the situation as quickly as I can because to remain angry is self-destructive. It only makes the situation worse when I berate myself for getting angry in the first place. I've become more self-accepting of my anger as long as I'm reasonable and direct in its expression and I use it to make a situation better and not worse.

[chocky]

This very issue is one of my life's biggest challenges, and I have no answers. Time and time again I fail when the anger test card is drawn. I seem to live in a state of constant subliminal rage, and fear of this rage-full thing, as a result of not being able to process anger effectively, so I'm really interested in reading responses to this question.

Interesting that two healthy answers have been to walk - what if you can't walk away? (Strangers and distant people have very little power to anger me.) What if the anger is generated "at home" so to speak, or by continual, inescapable circumstances?

[yondyr]

There's another aspect, anger in others, and that makes me giggle/laugh.. and as Maitri says, try to defuse the situation, in my case by making jokes, not always appreciated. But if it's not possible to walk, then I shut up. Silence is a language of it's own and very eloquent sometimes.

[Solaris]

If I cannot express the anger verbally, I write in my journal. I go running if the anger is strong. The physical exertion gets the energy out and calms the adrenalin rush enough that I can, once again, look more objectively at the situation and determine a course of action. I generally will face the source of the anger, unless I can see that it will not a productive action, then I discard it as soon as possible (and generally accomplish that through running and writing).

I know I have a lot of anger I've held on to. I'm in the process of working through a lot of old anger right now. It's been interesting.

Add: So I find myself extremely impatient, frustrated, and angry today (reason irrelevant). So I spent about 2 hours cleaning the bathroom (you can eat off any surface in there now). That wasn't enough, I was still pissed. So I went for a nearly 7 mile run. I only stopped because I was cold and it was getting late. I also know I push hard when I angry run, so I didn't want to overdo and injure myself in the cold. I'll write some in a bit. Then I'll probably spend 3 or so hours cleaning my room.

[Antares]

When it's indulgence, I let it go. Granted, it's not easy, but I tend to do that very quickly because I don't like it when others indulge and I certainly will not allow myself to (It's a kind of discipline). If it's justified, I may view the other differently for a very long time. I don't express it by speech because of the things that may come out of my mouth. I can be quite hurtful. Like Solaris, I write them down and the effect is quite immediate. I do something relaxing such as read, watch something, walk alone or with my dog or simply lying on my bed. Also, if it's reasonable, I try and get myself to forget it, because it's not rational getting so angry and feeling all those negative emotions over someone whose really not worth it.

[Hdier]

Whenever I feel angry, I probe my anger to determine the true cause, and examine the situation. Then I decide weather or not to continue being angry.

[Danisty]

I use my anger as motivation for change. I never ignore it or discard it. I will sometimes even hold onto it for later. I find anger very useful.

[Paul V]

I don't get angry when it's not logical to do so. I don't get angry with what's inevitable (such as death). I get angry when something could be avoided and people were too stupid or careless to avoid. Evil people (those who consciously choose to harm others for their own selfishness) make me outrageously angry.

[Kfbr]

I drive when I'm angry, which probably isn't good because I have terrible road rage. But after cutting off a few jerks and speeding down the freeway all the cares in the world disappear when I get out of my car.

But I rarely get angry and never get angry at people, I get angry at situations.

[Des]

I consider my anger to be one of my strengths. So many people fear anger and don't know how to control it. They suppress it trying to be "good". I embrace it. BUT I never act on it the moment I feel it. In fact I never act on any strong emotion right away. That goes for happiness too. In that initial stage you definitely aren't thinking clearly and will make a bad mistake. I take my anger and I think about it. I make a plan, think about what all the bad out comes could be then decide how to act. The person that angered me then ends up regretting it quite deeply after that. And then I'm happy and feel good about myself. This has worked for me for years both in real life, work life and online. I tend to get the most creative and make my best art when angry. That's a great time for me to start to draw.

[rwyatt365]

I am incredibly bad at processing anger, especially in those times when it has been provoked by persons close to me.

When placed in anger-producing situations by "outsiders" (those whom I have little, or no personal involvement/interest in) I vent and then dismiss – over and done with. When pushed into anger by those that are close (family, or SO) I will attempt to say what I feel and then disengage from the situation.

"Some people" don't know when to quit, however, and that's when things can get dangerously out of hand. I always give warning that things are about to spiral out of control and insist on exiting the scene to cool down. When prevented from doing that my first mechanism is to cease to interact (in the hopes that the person will get discouraged and leave me alone). If that doesn't work then – like a pressure-cooker – I am liable to blow up, with disastrous consequences. I haven't hurt anyone yet, but…

[ScottH]

I've always been pretty good at processing anger, but I'd say my strategy has changed a lot as I've matured.

I used to think another person "made" me angry, it was their fault. I'd leave, work out, fantasize revenge or whatever until the energy was gone and I could normally laugh about it (and my fantasies) after.

Later in life, I'd learned to be more empathic (something that didn't come naturally for me, yet since it is for everybody a purely cognitive feat, I learned it well), and could often catch myself getting angry and try to take on different perspectives on the situation. This made it pretty easy to turn anger into something more like a desire to understand.

Into my 30's, I've learned a whole lot more about myself and what it means to be human. If I ever view someone else as responsible for my anger, it's a snap-reaction that doesn't last. I am aware that I myself choose my feelings, and I can frame my thoughts accordingly. Anger is now little more than a "goof" or a moment of not paying attention.

[Ytterbium]

Seems common here. I try to make something usefull out of my anger such as showeling snow from the drive way or such. I'm like a pressure boiler too and I exploded once. The victim was my bully who afterwards cried like a baby on the floor. I have never liked physical violence and I was really ashamed after I hit him.

[edalz]

When I first get angry about something I think of it as a sort of "hot" anger. There's a lot of energy there, and I need to do something physical to get rid of it (sport, cleaning, playing music). After that I still may be angry, but it's cooled down a bit, and it's controlled. I'm not going to be provoked into doing something I'll regret. I don't forget much, and the anger usually turns into a sort of cold grudge, waiting to be revived at a later date.

[justintj]

I drive when I'm angry, which probably isn't good because I have terrible road rage. But after cutting off a few jerks and speeding down the freeway all the cares in the world disappear when I get out of my car.

But I rarely get angry and never get angry at people, I get angry at situations.

I'm having the opposite problem.
I usually drive my car on highways at a common, appropriate, and normal high speed. But I get mad at furious drivers who cut my way at a very close distance to my car, so, it endangers my own safety. To such a situation, I'd make it even; cut him back, and if he insisted; it could be a physical violence, that I could even kill such a jerk, just for the sake of justice.

How do I handle such an anger?

[Paul V]

I'm having the opposite problem.
I usually drive my car on highways at a common, appropriate, and normal high speed. But I get mad at furious drivers who cut my way at a very close distance to my car, so, it endangers my own safety. To such a situation, I'd make it even; cut him back, and if he insisted; it could be a physical violence, that I could even kill such a jerk, just for the sake of justice.

How do I handle such an anger?

Think about all the people in your life that would suffer if that jerk had a gun. Now assume from now on that all jerks have a gun. Yes, all of them. Even that skinny, frail woman with the huge glasses. Now remind yourself that you have to avoid these situations, because you're endangering your own life in your recklessness. Wasn't that precisely what infuriated you in the first place? When that happens again, just take a deep breath, curse the imbecile inside your car, and continue to drive as if nothing had happened, taking great care not to come close to that guy.

[Bossy Mom]

I'm not as good about processing anger as others are on this thread. I work with someone who enjoys intimidating others. When I met his father I could see where he got that intolerable trait. After he once tried to intimadate me, I just replied, "Working with you is like working with someone from another century" (I meant this in a Dickensian way). He replied, "I didn't know you felt that way." We both report to the same person who thinks I would be difficult to replace, so Mr. Intimidation was getting very nervous. I have had few problems with him since.

With some people, just turning away from their meanness just encourages them. I have discovered that confronting bullies and and being assertive is the best way to deal with them.

Of course this won't work with road rage. I once had to deal with this on a freeway in Ft. Worth. I just got off the freeway and got away from this crazy person. It hasn't haunted me, but it was a scary situation that I had to deal with and not become angry in return. If I had become angry, I might not be writing this post right now.

I also have problems dealing with people who don't want to think/are too lazy to think. These people make me really angry. I just cut them out of my life as though they don't exist. Why waste my time?

[justintj]

Think about all the people in your life that would suffer if that jerk had a gun. Now assume from now on that all jerks have a gun. Yes, all of them. Even that skinny, frail woman with the huge glasses. Now remind yourself that you have to avoid these situations, because you're endangering your own life in your recklessness. Wasn't that precisely what infuriated you in the first place? When that happens again, just take a deep breath, curse the imbecile inside your car, and continue to drive as if nothing had happened, taking great care not to come close to that guy.

Well, this is a very good, reasonable advice. Thanks. I don't know why I lost my "T" when such a terrible happening occured. Actually, such jerks who cut my way were more than once. With the first jerk, I could practice what you said before. The second jerk, it's still okay. But usually, with the third jerk who did it to me, I was going very, very mad, as if my head were about to explode. Or perhaps I am an INFJ? :huh:

[Paul V]

Well, this is a very good, reasonable advice. Thanks. I don't know why I lost my "T" when such a terrible happening occured. Actually, such jerks who cut my way were more than once. With the first jerk, I could practice what you said before. The second jerk, it's still okay. But usually, with the third jerk who did it to me, I was going very, very mad, as if my head were about to explode. Or perhaps I am an INFJ? :huh:

No problem. I truly enjoy giving advice to others. :)

Hah! That sounds like my father, who's an ISTJ and who gets extremely angry at any drivers who does anything stupid. Me and my mother (ENFJ) have tried to tell him over and over not to insult the other drivers or take vengeance, for they might be armed. Some time ago, there was a murder in a tollbooth, near my country's capital (this whole thing happened between 1 and 4 am). One car crashed another. The owner of the crashed car, a young man, came out and started insulting and demanding the other man, who was much older, to give him his insurance information. I can't remember exactly why the older man had crashed the car. Perhaps he was on drugs, drunk, crazy or just had a really shitty day. Regardless, he took out a gun and shot the younger man to death.

We all now take great care not to infuriate other drivers. You never know which one's the wacko that might end your life and the life of those who travel with you.

[BadMojo]

I'm having the opposite problem.
I usually drive my car on highways at a common, appropriate, and normal high speed. But I get mad at furious drivers who cut my way at a very close distance to my car, so, it endangers my own safety. To such a situation, I'd make it even; cut him back, and if he insisted; it could be a physical violence, that I could even kill such a jerk, just for the sake of justice.

How do I handle such an anger?
Do like me: Scream and yell like mad and give the bastard the finger.

But generally I'm not prone to anger unless I drive a car or something else that is slow... like computers, cell phones etc...

But when I do get pissed of I normally absorb it in some way, and become quiet and give the idiot in question a piercing stare. Then I'll start annoying them on purpose and starts questioning them about their actions in the best INTJ manner. I'm a master of doing just that.

[justintj]

Do like me: Scream and yell like mad and give the bastard the finger.
It didnt' work for me. One day I met such a jerk public transportation driver and showed my fist. Next, he got out with 2 other guys, trying to break into my car to attack me. They didn't care about the policeman who was just standing and watching, about 20 meters from the location.

No problem. I truly enjoy giving advice to others. :)

Hah! That sounds like my father, who's an ISTJ and who gets extremely angry at any drivers who does anything stupid. Me and my mother (ENFJ) have tried to tell him over and over not to insult the other drivers or take vengeance, for they might be armed. Some time ago, there was a murder in a tollbooth, near my country's capital (this whole thing happened between 1 and 4 am). One car crashed another. The owner of the crashed car, a young man, came out and started insulting and demanding the other man, who was much older, to give him his insurance information. I can't remember exactly why the older man had crashed the car. Perhaps he was on drugs, drunk, crazy or just had a really shitty day. Regardless, he took out a gun and shot the younger man to death.

We all now take great care not to infuriate other drivers. You never know which one's the wacko that might end your life and the life of those who travel with you.

Exactly! Such cases happen a lot in my country. A jungle law. Another happening was when I showed my fist with anger in my eyes, the driver got out of his car and approached my car door with confidence. We were trapped in traffic jam. Just 2 cars ahead, there was a policeman inside his patrol car. And this jerk didn't seem to be afraid of him at all. So suddenly I had a feeling he might have a gun or he could be a wealthy person who could bribe corrupt law enforcers. Suddenly, my head was cooling down and I could talk to this person emotionless.

I remember when I was younger and didn't drive my car by myself, I didn't have such an anger. But years later, road rage had changed me into the same furious driver as the jerks who did it to me. Hmm... how strange my mind works...

Thanks again for reminding me... :)