Past relationships and current status

[abailey]

Hey everyone :)

I've been lurking for a little while, and I have to say, all of these posts are really helpful! But I'm still plagued with a relationship question that I was hoping someone could shed some light on.

As an ESFJ, my relationship with an INTJ wasn't exactly rock solid, so we broke up, and it was terrible. We loved (and still love) each other, but have maintained a "friends with benefits" type relationship -- it stopped it for a few months, but it just recently started back up again because he tells me he simply just doesn't see us working but for some reason remains physically attracted to me. It goes much beyond just "benefits," and involves him divulging personal frustrations, laughs, and overall comfort. I also have to say that he is very attractive, and often has physical relationships with women (short ones), who also seem to disappear when I come back in the picture. Though, the point is that he isn't shy about who he sleeps with ... and I'm positive he's an INTJ :) weird, I know.

Given a very rocky past and a terrible breakup, would you be willing to try again?

And why does it take a week for him to talk to me after each sexual encounter?!

[Henry]

Given a very rocky past and a terrible breakup, would you be willing to try again?

Are your problems big picture (your long term goals are not compatible, you fight with each others' friends/family, there was serious infidelity, he needed a lot more independence than you were willing to provide, etc) or just getting bored and/or small issues? If they're big picture issues, don't waste your time with another go-round.

I dated an ESFJ for a while and it worked very well for the first few years. However, over time we just started wanting different things, I became more withdrawn, and she became very stern about my shortcomings. Hearts can change, and sometimes its in our best interest to exit a relationship even if we are still in love with a person.

And why does it take a week for him to talk to me after each sexual encounter?!

This could be any number of things, but I would consider this a red flag. This could be game, but could also be genuine lack of interest. Impossible to say really.

For what its worth, I still talk to the above-referenced ESFJ two or three times a week, and we aren't fucking. I would consider a serious relationship with her again if she moderated her stances on kids, me needing to like her troglodyte mother, and my shortcomings. So, for one INTJ, I still talk on a regular basis to an ex I would consider dating again, but it would be conditional on real changes on her part with few on mine, and I'm not really holding my breath for that.

[DanteFalling]

Hmm, more later, but for now:

if you want more than just a physical relationship: don't sleep with him without it.
I had to tell my male ISTJ roomie this. He's seemed to feel much better about his dating life since then. He's also more grounded and has told me that he is happier.

[Lolie]

Considering a similar question myself about whether I'm willing to risk "trying again" with my most recent ex. One thing about which I'm very clear is that I'm not going to do the FWB hoping it leads to something more substantial thing. I believe that's dishonest, and I also think it's setting a relationship up for failure rather than giving it the best possible chance of success.

In your case (and mine), when he tells you who he is, believe him. He enjoys sleeping with you and he enjoys your company, but he's told you he doesn't see you working out as a long-term couple. If he wanted to be in a committed, long-term relationship with you, he'd be wanting to work on the issues which stand in the way of that. If you're the only one who wants to "fix" this relationship (sounds like it's not broken from his point of view), then I think you know where this is heading. It sounds like he doesn't want a committed relationship with anyone at the moment, and the only person who gets to decide what he wants is him.

Harsh as this will sound (and I know it does sound harsh), anyone who's willing to be dishonest about what they really want from me in a relationship automatically disqualifies themselves as a potential partner. I see pretending you're cool with a situation that you aren't really cool with in the hope that it will change as manipulative - if you'll lie about who you are to "get" me, I figure you'll lie about who you are to "keep" me.

Only you know whether you can be happy in this relationship if he never changes and the relationship never changes. If you cannot be happy with who this man is now and what the relationship is now, then perhaps a raincheck is in order.