Do you have significant e-relationships your RL SO doesn't know about?

[ENFP is curious]

My INTJ guy (we're dating but not in a serious relationship right now) has been spending a regular amount of time on a free online dating site lately. He knows I know about it , and has told me he's 'not looking' but wouldn't mind a few new platonic friends (it's OKcupid and there are some people on it for friends, apparently).

As an ENFP, I don't understand this completely, sorry. Sure, I have a few guys I'm e-friends with, with whom I infrequently chat. But most, I've met in person either through having gone on a date with them, or else it's been established I'll NEVER meet them in person All of them precede my INTJ becoming someone special in my life. Ironically, my INTJ was one of them for about a year or so before things shifted for us.

Is this situation common?

[BadMojo]

I don't think any of "us" can answer that. I would say it's up to your gut feeling to decide. However, you could pretend to have a positive interest in that sort of thing, and perhaps get more insight. It could be innocent, but then again, if it wasn't for our massive brain size, us men would properly hump women's legs a cocktail parties... :O)

[Paul V]

When you operate on an entirely different wavelength than the rest of the populace, finding people who think like you becomes a truly exciting experience. I wouldn't put much thought into it. He's just trying to find someone that provides him with intellectual stimulation (or something like that).

[xhaan]

Um, yes.
I don't quite understand it myself, but I know from some experience that platonic relationships are hard to keep that way. Platonic originally means a relationship with deliberate abstinence, deep rooted feelings can and often do enter into the picture and cloud things up, because we are human.

However, if he means 'platonic' in the sense of just being friends, where romance doesn't enter into it, this is more possible and often quite 'normal', but care must still be taken because he is still opening up to someone and may find that he likes them more than he had expected, so he has to be willing and strong enough to back off if necessary.

[Splittet]

Well, I am a member of OKcupid, but it is mostly for the tests, and many think like that. I think few become members of OKcupid mainly to date people. People like the test thing, and you know, maybe they think they wouldn't mind it if they met a couple of people they liked, but main reason why people join in the first place is the tests, and maybe some curiousness towards maybe, maybe meeting some interesting people. I find the explanation of your boyfriend very plausible, and I doubt you have much to be afraid of.

[Tsuru]

Yeah, OkCupid is for finding friends n' stuff as well as finding some fine hoochy-mammas to give the time to. I wouldn't put any worry into it. ;)

[prometheus]

Is this situation common?

My real e-friends I've always met FTF and my wife (of 13 years) has met. I'm an insensitive INTJ borderline autistic prick that couldn't keep a secret if it was brought to me in a burlap bag. But if your old man gives you problems and you need some self-centered, egotistic, maybe autistic, self serving, hairy mountain man advice PM me a naked picture.

[ENFP is curious]

My real e-friends I've always met FTF and my wife (of 13 years) has met. I'm an insensitive INTJ borderline autistic prick that couldn't keep a secret if it was brought to me in a burlap bag. But if your old man gives you problems and you need some self-centered, egotistic, maybe autistic, self serving, hairy mountain man advice PM me a naked picture.

ROFLMAO!!!!!





ENFP is curious added to this post, 3 minutes and 41 seconds later...

Hmmmmm. Okay. Thanks guys.

I just saw last night that he's updated his pix again to include one that is not just a standard body or head shot - a swimwear shot. Still think he's looking for platonic friends?

[PortInStorm]

Mmmm, I believe strongly in intuition since reading this book by Gavin de Becker. Without having solid cerebral evidence, but acting on instinct, many people have avoided serious danger to themselves. Go with your gut- it's not illegitimate (sp?), but your lower brain sending you signals (it reacts faster to danger than any other part of your brain- and not just physical danger). Heed it, and call him on it, would be my advice. And by call him on it, I mean let him know of your boundaries (so he knows why you're distancing later) and start pullling away emotionally or physically (distance, more time away from him). If he stays away, you don't want him. If he has emotional intimacy with you, the "interruption" in your relationship should make him feel an absence of it, and he'll come after you. Your intuition always looks out for your best interest, and thus is your best friend. This half-naked picture is a give-away.

[Splittet]

I just saw last night that he's updated his pix again to include one that is not just a standard body or head shot - a swimwear shot. Still think he's looking for platonic friends?

It's not really that uncommon. If he is open about it, I think you probably have nothing to worry about. From his perspective it's probably not a big deal, because he probably has no intention of cheating or anything like that.

[Paul V]

I just saw last night that he's updated his pix again to include one that is not just a standard body or head shot - a swimwear shot. Still think he's looking for platonic friends?

Does he know you know about that pic?

[ENFP is curious]

Does he know you know about that pic?

nope.

in fact, he just loaded it within the last week or so and i've noticed he's on the site a LOT more now. i cannot tell him i know without him thinking i may be cyber-spying on him. the thing is, when i find something like this it really gets me going and i can't help it.


the pic is old - at LEAST 10-15 years and he's shaved about 10 or so years off his posted age.

i brought it up with him when i first saw him on there a month ago (actually a friend saw and let me know about it) and he said then he wasn't looking. he was very clear about his history with it - that he had met one woman from it long ago, that there was another woman he had talked with on the phone before - she would call him and he didn't have her number and he wasn't interested in her anyway. he said it would be nice to perhaps meet some new platonic friends though. i have a myspace and he knows about it. i have NOTHING even slightly questionable there - because, frankly, i'm *not* looking and i do use it mainly as a means to keep in touch with the friends of mine he knows.

ironically, since i found out about this, he and i have been getting closer.

[stasis]

Do you have significant e-relationships your RL SO doesn't know about?
When last I had an 'RL SO', yeah. Not because there was reason to hide it, but because she would not have cared. Although, when I'm in a relationship with someone, I tend to lose contact with almost everybody else if it goes on long enough anyway.

Your situation puzzles me a bit, if only because of the way you've presented it. To begin, you say you aren't in a serious relationship with this person. But then you point out that your online friends were made before you began dating, and also say that you do not understand his desire to frequent a website like OK Cupid.

So, questions:
If you aren't in a serious relationship with him, why would it be strange that he'd continue to visit sites such as this? In other words, why would he stop making 'significant online friends' when he isn't committed? You said that he said he isn't looking, but would you find it equally strange if he were looking? What if he were to date someone else (in RL) at the same time? I guess I just don't see where the predicate for the confusion is. Since you are not serious, what do you expect him to be doing differently?

I apologize if I'm just misunderstanding you completely.

[ENFP is curious]

When last I had an 'RL SO', yeah. Not because there was reason to hide it, but because she would not have cared. Although when I'm in a relationship with someone, I tend to lose contact with almost everybody else if it goes on long enough anyway.

Your situation puzzles me a bit, if only because of the way you've presented it. To begin, you say you aren't in a serious relationship with this person. But then you point out that your online friends were made before you began dating, and also say that you do not understand his desire to frequent a website like OK Cupid.

So, questions:
If you aren't in a serious relationship with him, why would it be strange that he'd continue to visit sites such as this? In other words, why would he stop making 'significant online friends' when he isn't committed? You said that he said he isn't looking, but would you find it equally strange if he were looking? What if he were to date someone else (in RL) at the same time? I guess I just don't see where the predicate for the confusion is. Since you are not serious, what do you expect him to be doing differently?

I apologize if I'm just misunderstanding you completely.

ok, sorry for the misunderstanding, i appreciate your questions and interest.

although we're not in a serious relationship right now (and i say this because it's not been spoken), we're certainly headed there after a long road of forging what we have now from a year or so of being platonic friends. he's said previously that's what he's looking for, i've said the same. i just haven't had the guts yet to address what we are with him, i'm fairly certain he won't bring it up directly, based on past experiences. he and i are serious enough for him to take me to his office holiday party, i took him to/fro the airport when he went to visit his family over xmas. i hear from him every day, we call each other pet names and he's very affectionate in public with me - combined, this is behaviour i haven't seen from other guys i've casually dated in the past.

so, i would think that if he is wanting to be more serious with me, he wouldn't have the desire to be on any dating sites. if he's after fun platonic friends, fine. but i do know he's met/talked on the phone with women from okcupid in the past - to me if he's gone there before, me may go there again now even with me around - and i don't understand his recent refound interest in the site. at first with me he was hesitant to move things to a dating scenario because he knew i had been casually dating others. i've had to assure him several times that wasn't the case anymore and i think he gets now that i really am finished. if he were to date someone right now just based on how he is with me and what he's told me he's been unhappy with, well that wouldn't sit well with me at all.

i suppose i don't understand why (after months of effort from both of us to get things to a good place now), when all signs point to us being a couple, he's suddenly more active on an online site crafted for dating.

[robin.]

I think that you really need to talk to him about this. As an I type, he probably really likes some alone time, and he probably feels it's easier (or less stressful) to relate to people online. Unfortunately, this can kind of give off a sketchy vibe, especially since you've said that he has lied about his age and posted a picture of himself that is probably no longer very accurate. This just doesn't seem like a very honest thing for anyone at all to do, especially if you are considering something more with him.

I think that it's very important that you talk to him about it, but don't approach the situation in any way that could be considered accusatory. Perhaps you could mention that sometimes you feel like he's looking for something more, and you'd rather he let you know personally if that's a reflection on you. Hopefully this will open the door for some communication, because I do agree with you that something just doesn't feel right here.

[Lucid]

I once dated a guy who would do something similar.
When we weren't officially in a relationship, but dating somewhat seriously, he was also meeting girls on myspace (I don't think he ever met any of them in person, just internet flirting). However, he did lie to me about a few things regarding that internet flirting.
When we did enter into a monogamous relationship, he stopped all internet flirting and internet female friend gathering. I know this, because of his dishonesty in the matter that I found myself breaking into his myspace account, his email, searching his browser history, reading is IMs... I was a freaking psycho! I've never been like that in any other relationships. After a few months of this, I realized that I didn't like who I was in that relationship and figured that if I couldn't trust him then I shouldn't be with him.
One dishonesty screwed up the whole thing for me. I can't tell you what this guy's thinking and unless you come out and ask him, you'll never know either. What you should be primarily concerned with (and perhaps you are) is if you think you can still trust him after this, or if it might negatively affect a relationship with him in the future.

[Bossy Mom]

I once dated a guy who would do something similar.
When we weren't officially in a relationship, but dating somewhat seriously, he was also meeting girls on myspace (I don't think he ever met any of them in person, just internet flirting). However, he did lie to me about a few things regarding that internet flirting.
When we did enter into a monogamous relationship, he stopped all internet flirting and internet female friend gathering. I know this, because of his dishonesty in the matter that I found myself breaking into his myspace account, his email, searching his browser history, reading is IMs... I was a freaking psycho! I've never been like that in any other relationships. After a few months of this, I realized that I didn't like who I was in that relationship and figured that if I couldn't trust him then I shouldn't be with him.
One dishonesty screwed up the whole thing for me. I can't tell you what this guy's thinking and unless you come out and ask him, you'll never know either. What you should be primarily concerned with (and perhaps you are) is if you think you can still trust him after this, or if it might negatively affect a relationship with him in the future.

My daughter had a similar experience. She met an extremely good looking guy on myspace last summer and they decided to become boyfriend/girlfriend on the first date. He had so many female "friends" that she became jealous and almost "psycho" about it. I told her I didn't blame her -- I had never heard of a boyfriend maintaining "friendships" with hundreds of girls. He was extremely cruel when he dumped her and he continues his pattern of "hundreds of girls" and relationships that last 7 to 10 days (my daughter lasted 3 weeks - a record for him).

My daughter also had a platonic relationship on myspace for 18 months and when they met -- it was fireworks! I don't know if there is such a thing as a platonic relationship anymore!

[Paul V]

It would appear to me that he's looking for attention. I cannot pinpoint the reason, I would need to know more about him (and possibly about you, too) in order to extract purpose from his actions.

And no, it's not ironic that you two have been getting closer because of this. Perhaps that was the reason he started the whole thing, conscious or uncounsciously.





Paul V added to this post, 2 minutes and 12 seconds later...

I don't know if there is such a thing as a platonic relationship anymore!

There is. You just have to value friendship over sex. Easy thing to do, when you're Intuitive (we tend to value more the connection of the minds over the connection of the bodies). Being Introverted also helps (you learn to count your blessings).

[ENFP is curious]

It would appear to me that he's looking for attention. I cannot pinpoint the reason, I would need to know more about him (and possibly about you, too) in order to extract purpose from his actions.

And no, it's not ironic that you two have been getting closer because of this. Perhaps that was the reason he started the whole thing, conscious or uncounsciously.

well it's all a moot point now. after spending most of the long 4 day weekend together, including him meeting my closest friends at a dinner party one night then NYE the other, i asked him if he wanted to be exclusive and the answer i got wasn't what i wanted. he said a committed relationship is best, safest, least complicated but he wanted to act out a fantasy (which we had discussed prior) before he settled down. i let him know i wanted something more solid, the fantasy is best as a fantasy and sorry we're not on the same page. i've not heard from him since. guess it's all done at this point.

[Paul V]

well it's all a moot point now. after spending most of the long 4 day weekend together, including him meeting my closest friends at a dinner party one night then NYE the other, i asked him if he wanted to be exclusive and the answer i got wasn't what i wanted. he said a committed relationship is best, safest, least complicated but he wanted to act out a fantasy (which we had discussed prior) before he settled down. i let him know i wanted something more solid, the fantasy is best as a fantasy and sorry we're not on the same page. i've not heard from him since. guess it's all done at this point.

He'll carry on with his fantasy and then come back for you. Be ready for the assault when it happens.

[prometheus]

I still haven 't got your pic in my Pm. :P

[PortInStorm]

It would appear to me that he's looking for attention. I cannot pinpoint the reason, I would need to know more about him (and possibly about you, too) in order to extract purpose from his actions.

And no, it's not ironic that you two have been getting closer because of this. Perhaps that was the reason he started the whole thing, conscious or uncounsciously.





Paul V added to this post, 2 minutes and 12 seconds later...



There is. You just have to value friendship over sex. Easy thing to do, when you're Intuitive (we tend to value more the connection of the minds over the connection of the bodies). Being Introverted also helps (you learn to count your blessings).
Yep, I agree wholeheartedly. Just have their best interest at heart and stay out of their pants.

[Lucid]

My daughter had a similar experience. She met an extremely good looking guy on myspace last summer and they decided to become boyfriend/girlfriend on the first date. He had so many female "friends" that she became jealous and almost "psycho" about it. I told her I didn't blame her -- I had never heard of a boyfriend maintaining "friendships" with hundreds of girls. He was extremely cruel when he dumped her and he continues his pattern of "hundreds of girls" and relationships that last 7 to 10 days (my daughter lasted 3 weeks - a record for him).

My daughter also had a platonic relationship on myspace for 18 months and when they met -- it was fireworks! I don't know if there is such a thing as a platonic relationship anymore!

I'm sorry about what happened to your daughter. As harsh as it may sound, she's probably better off without such an asshole. All the same, I'm sure it was painful for her. What a jerk. :irked:

With regard to my personal relationships and platonic friends of the opposite sex: I've often thought it must be very difficult for some men to date me. I have a TON of platonic male friends and I'm also friends with a lot of my x boyfriends. Friends as in we hang out a lot, not just that we're on civil terms.
While I believe it's possible for people of opposite genders to be nothing but friends, lying about it is another thing altogether. I always try to do what I can to make my boyfriends comfortable with my male friends (and x boyfriends), whether that's hanging out as a group a lot, or introducing them and encouraging them to be friends in their own right. It's the dishonesty about it I have an issue with and I wouldn't expect a boyfriend of mine to trust me if I lie to him about my intentions, history, or current relationship with someone else.

[danalaina]

i listen to my gut in these situations.

if he's not giving you full disclosure (and i'd certainly call posting an old swimwear pic and shaving years off his age a little suspect and certainly failure to give full disclosure), i wouldn't trust him. period. perhaps i'm missing something, but a guy who's just looking to meet some friends wouldn't bother fudging his age.

however, nothing that you've said indicates to me that you two are really in a serious romantic relationship. a logical sort would look at that and assume he didn't owe you full disclosure on those grounds, and i'd tend to agree.

to be brutally honest, it sounds like you want more from your relationship with him than he does, and you're just convenient fun/comfort for him. that would never be an acceptable relationship for me, but perhaps your desires/goals are different.

**
to answer the thread question, though, no. i have no online friendships that i don't tell my husband about...mostly because i only have a few, and he and interacts with them too. i don't think he and i need to share every bloody thought we ever have, but being that we met online, i know things can happen. our rule of thumb for acceptable behavior online is, if you're afraid to tell your SO about it, you shouldn't be doing it.

[ENFP is curious]

we've had 'the talk' and are exclusive now. he was able to reasonably explain a few things and i believe him. as far as his okcupid account, he's taken the swimwear pic off and has changed what he's looking for to 'n/a'. i didn't ask him to do this and he doesn't know i know.

i'm someone who has extreme trust issues and he's someone who will always have a need to maintain some sense of freedom. i realize this may not sound like a good match, but i think what works for me is that i'm learning and better because of it.

[emaleth]

I have just one positive experience that lasts for a long time and up to this day. we met online by mere accident (sth involving a lots and even more talking about music and stuff) and after some time we decided to meet (LOL that took some traveling :) ) and so far so good- though the amount of money spent to travel back and forth is... dreadful.
However, i have never been a member of any page designed specifically to meet people (whether friends/lovers/soulmates/fill-the-gap-with-any-word-appropriate) so i wouldn't know anything about it, but many of my acquaintances have shared a massive amount of negative experiences- when a guy/girl would sound/look nice etc but in reality he/she turned out to be a total nutcase. :(

However, i don't know if this matters- but i do tell him about all the guys that i hang out with (kind of a reverse situation) but i think i should (even though he being where he is on another end of Europe can't really benefit or put those things to check). So i think that if anyone is involved in any kind of relationship that he/she should tell the other party about who they talk to and stuff.
however i know...maybe naive and stupid to consider myself involved with somebody who i see very rarely...but a good naivety. unless you ask my wallet *chuckles*

[prometheus]

My real e-friends I've always met FTF and my wife (of 13 years) has met. I'm an insensitive INTJ borderline autistic prick that couldn't keep a secret if it was brought to me in a burlap bag. But if your old man gives you problems and you need some self-centered, egotistic, maybe autistic, self serving, hairy mountain man advice PM me a naked picture.


ROFLMAO!!!!!






My inbox is still lacking. ;D

[Colette]

My real e-friends I've always met FTF and my wife (of 13 years) has met. I'm an insensitive INTJ borderline autistic prick that couldn't keep a secret if it was brought to me in a burlap bag. But if your old man gives you problems and you need some self-centered, egotistic, maybe autistic, self serving, hairy mountain man advice PM me a naked picture.

Would this make you an accessory before, or after, the fact? :undecided:

[prometheus]

Would this make you an accessory before, or after, the fact? :undecided:

We don't need any accessories.

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Paul V]

we've had 'the talk' and are exclusive now. he was able to reasonably explain a few things and i believe him. as far as his okcupid account, he's taken the swimwear pic off and has changed what he's looking for to 'n/a'. i didn't ask him to do this and he doesn't know i know.

i'm someone who has extreme trust issues and he's someone who will always have a need to maintain some sense of freedom. i realize this may not sound like a good match, but i think what works for me is that i'm learning and better because of it.

I hope this turns out for the best, but I sense some heartbreak in the future.

[ENFP is curious]

I hope this turns out for the best, but I sense some heartbreak in the future.

Hmmmm. what leads you to say that? Not saying you're wrong but would like to know what you're picking up on.





ENFP is curious added to this post, 0 minutes and 49 seconds later...

My inbox is still lacking. ;D

Oh, you haven't received it? Darn. It was HOT.

[Paul V]

Hmmmm. what leads you to say that? Not saying you're wrong but would like to know what you're picking up on.

A person with trust issues (such as myself) tend not to forgive one we've been wronged, and we tend to be more suspicious and cautious than others. Couple that with a freedom-loving person, and you probably will spend a lot of time worrying. It might cause stress and tension to build up until it explodes, or it might cause him to actually do what you suspect he's doing, just because he won't be able to stand the suspicion. It's very, very hard to have a relationship when you're like we are, trust me (pun not intended). I just hope he doesn't notice that.

[ENFP is curious]

A person with trust issues (such as myself) tend not to forgive one we've been wronged, and we tend to be more suspicious and cautious than others. Couple that with a freedom-loving person, and you probably will spend a lot of time worrying. It might cause stress and tension to build up until it explodes, or it might cause him to actually do what you suspect he's doing, just because he won't be able to stand the suspicion. It's very, very hard to have a relationship when you're like we are, trust me (pun not intended). I just hope he doesn't notice that.

I keep it VERY guarded from him, just for your reasons. I have little trust in anyone, something I'm trying to work on and he's helping me whether he realizes that or not. I've adjusted my expectations somewhat and that's helped - plus I've joined OKCupid myself (he doesn't know this yet, although I'm not hiding anything) just to understand more about it.

[Paul V]

I keep it VERY guarded from him, just for your reasons. I have little trust in anyone, something I'm trying to work on and he's helping me whether he realizes that or not. I've adjusted my expectations somewhat and that's helped - plus I've joined OKCupid myself (he doesn't know this yet, although I'm not hiding anything) just to understand more about it.

There's a saying in my country that says "Lies have short legs", which basically means that they're easily discovered. Whether what you're doing isn't necessarily a lie, it's concealing the truth, which is only a little less bad.

However, what a person with trust issues needs is someone perseverant and absolutely loyal. They need someone who would never even contemplate willingly harm them. People that value their freedom will only bring you worries, and that will eventually leak out, destroying the relationship like acid.

But if you are able to conceal it well, and he's as oblivious as you tell us, then you have a happier future than I had previously envisioned.

Once again, I wish you luck.

[ENFP is curious]

There's a saying in my country that says "Lies have short legs", which basically means that they're easily discovered. Whether what you're doing isn't necessarily a lie, it's concealing the truth, which is only a little less bad.

However, what a person with trust issues needs is someone perseverant and absolutely loyal. They need someone who would never even contemplate willingly harm them. People that value their freedom will only bring you worries, and that will eventually leak out, destroying the relationship like acid.

But if you are able to conceal it well, and he's as oblivious as you tell us, then you have a happier future than I had previously envisioned.

Once again, I wish you luck.

are you saying i'm being dishonest because i haven't told him i have trust issues? am i obligated to spell it out in black and white? is he obligated to fully explain himself to me all the time?

[Paul V]

are you saying i'm being dishonest because i haven't told him i have trust issues? am i obligated to spell it out in black and white? is he obligated to fully explain himself to me all the time?

Ah, no. I meant that you know things about him that you're not telling him, and I'm not sure how he'll react when he finds out. On the other hand, if he doesn't know you're watching, then he might feel free to cheat on you if that's his intention.

But I'm not trying to criticise your relationship, I'm just warning you of what might happen in the future. If I had been you, I wouldn't have started a relationship with him in the first place, based on the way he's behaved so far. But I don't have all the facts. I don't know him at all. All I know is what you've told us.