Playing Matchmaker

[Harmony]

So, since I've been single again everyone and their brother (I guess in this case mother works better) wants to set me up with someone they know... I get so tired of everyone thinking that they know who the perfect guy for me is.

One of my coworkers commented about one of the newer guys at work. She kept going on about how nice he is and cute he is.... I took one look at her and said "Yes, and he's extremely religious...I don't think a girl that's incredibly confused by religion would be a good fit for him." She then comments that she didn't think about that. No kidding? Didn't think about it... Can't imagine why you think you know who to set me up with then...

Is it such a hard concept that someone just wants to be alone for awhile? Every time I tell someone that they give me a look like I'm crazy... And why is it that women are more likely to be the type to try and play matchmaker? I've only had a couple of guys try to set me up with someone they know... it's almost always girls that try and set me up with someone...

Anyone else have family or friends that try and set you up with people? How do you handle it?

[Rho1334]

All the time. Everyone I know. You know how I deal with it? I either make them cry for I ask them out. Trust me its hilarious if you ask out a 55 yr old married man. Being mean get you result but it makes you lose freinds too.

[JustMel]

Women tend to matchmake because we are generally raised that you are to grow up, pair off and produce off spring. Some women do so because they feel they couldn't make it single so how could anyone else. They need the validation that being in a relationship offers them and think all other women need it too.

Some people just can't accept that some people enjoy being alone.

When I was single and enjoying it I just told people that if I needed their help getting a date or getting laid I'd let them know but until then I was perfectly content to be left alone.

[Harmony]

Women tend to matchmake because we are generally raised that you are to grow up, pair off and produce off spring. Some women do so because they feel they couldn't make it single so how could anyone else. They need the validation that being in a relationship offers them and think all other women need it too.

I've thought about this a lot.... And I've often thought about adopting a child on my own... I just have a feeling that it would be really difficult convincing an adoption agency around here that a single parent can do just fine at raising a child...

I've never been big on matchmaking.... The only time I have ever done it is if a friend asks me... And even then I am hesitant... I hate being dragged into the middle of matchmaking gone wrong. :p

[Storm]

I think it's important to spend significant amounts of time single. I'd just tell these matchmakers that's what you're doing, and you appreciate them trying to help you, but that you are not in a place in your life where you are looking for love.

[JustMel]

I've thought about this a lot.... And I've often thought about adopting a child on my own... I just have a feeling that it would be really difficult convincing an adoption agency around here that a single parent can do just fine at raising a child...

I've never been big on matchmaking.... The only time I have ever done it is if a friend asks me... And even then I am hesitant... I hate being dragged into the middle of matchmaking gone wrong. :p

It varies by state and agency. Check it out. You'd probably be surprised that a lot of states and agency don't care if you're married. Especially if you aren't set on an infant. There are a lot of older kids that need a home and foster care is often less complicated than adoption but can lead to adoption.

[Harmony]

It varies by state and agency. Check it out. You'd probably be surprised that a lot of states and agency don't care if you're married. Especially if you aren't set on an infant. There are a lot of older kids that need a home and foster care is often less complicated than adoption but can lead to adoption.

I am actually more interested in the kids that the "system has failed them." I will have to research it some more to see if Indiana is a single parent friendly state. ;)

I think I'm going to try Storm's idea... With me going for my second degree, I'm not going to have time to dedicate to someone else... So I think I'll use that as my reasoning for not letting people set me up. And also, I've never really been alone before... I think the longest I have been single is like two months.... Not near enough time really.

[charolastra]

Lucky for me, when I'm not in a relationship I date sort of prolifically. OKCupid has significantly improved my lovelife. :P I only tell my friends that I'm dating someone when it gets to a reasonable amount of seriousness and I never complain about being single, so my friends never know to what degree of single I am. My parents live fairly far away and my grandparents just want me to marry a nice Jewish doctor or lawyer and they won't care. :P

Actually, the only person I can remember actively trying to set me up is my grandfather, and he's not too pushy about it. Whenever I go out to dinner, we *happen* to run into one of his friends at the restaurant or country club who *happens* to have his son or grandson with him. Who always *happens* to be one of the aforementioned Jewish doctors or lawyers. I imagine it might get worse after I'm done with school, but for now it's just amusing.

I only played matchmaker a few times back in high school- though I feel for somewhat legit reasons. I grew up in the deep South and had many friends completely rejected by high school society or even thrown out of their homes for being gay. Therefore, most people who were GBLQ kept it on the down low only telling a few friends. Because I was the resident flaming liberal minority outcast, somehow I was the first person that everyone came out to. As such, everyone knew I knew all the other GBLQ people and they would ask me to introduce them to people at other local high schools. I took it FAR too seriously and was really stressed out by it, but I think oftentimes many of these people never would have dated someone of their preferred gender in high school had I not helped with a little push. One couple I set up on a date together ended up shocking both of their schools by attending each other's senior prom together.

I'd never, ever do it again. If a friend knows I'm friends with someone and specifically asks me to introduce them to that person, I'll do it, but I won't do the blind date thing anymore.

[Rudy]

This may make you feel better, relatively speaking:

Once, when going out to dinner with my mother, she tried to set me up with our waitress while we were eating dinner there. I've never been so close to dying of embarrassment.

So, it's all relative. ;)

[charolastra]

This may make you feel better, relatively speaking:

Once, when going out to dinner with my mother, she tried to set me up with our waitress while we were eating dinner there. I've never been so close to dying of embarrassment.

So, it's all relative. ;)

I've got one better! My INTJ SO has always been quiet about his relationships with his mother. We've been together-ish for almost a year (most of that long distance so an open relationship) and she never found out about me even though we practically lived together until recently when he informed her that he was coming to Europe to visit. In the past, he's kept girlfriends under wraps for years.

He's lived on his own since he was 18 but never told his mother about anyone he was dating- even in high school- up until he was 22. On that night, they were out to dinner and his mother tried to set him up with their waiter... who was male. She assumed that since he never talked about girls, that he must be gay.

Did I mention that the waiter was *not* actually gay? Yeah.

That was the night that he finally spilled that he'd been living with a girl for 2 years. :P

[Feral]

People are afraid of alone, so they figure it must scare you, too.
Celibacy really is pretty great though.

[JustMel]

I have a great story about matchmaking too.... I didn't do it but it was hilarious. My ex boss who was a retired navy seal was at lunch with two other guys from National Accounts. The other two guys were both married. My boss was 52 ish but still had the military physique and the buzz cut. He was a handsome guy but not eye candy. When they finished lunch their waitress who was about 20 came to the table and looked at him and said, "You're single right?" and he kinda grinned and the whole area got quiet and he said "yes, I am how did you know" and she said "you're not wearing a ring and they are". She said "you're really nice looking and appear to have a good job." he said yes and that he was also retired military. The guys at the table were grinning from ear to ear and my boss was turning red when the waitress sat down in the booth beside him and said, "I'd love to introduce you to my mom"

[Harmony]

I've come up with a million different reasons to shoot people down on their setting me up with people... I'm starting to get tired of trying to explain to people that I won't date in the work place. It's just too awkward if we break up.... Not to mention everyone tries to get in your business while you are dating... And then I've got people trying to set me up with super clingy people.... Not cool!

:idea:

I need to find an INTJ or INTP. LoL! They want their alone time and can be by themselves! They won't have any problems giving me my space. And hopefully they won't be searching for a mommy to take care of them. Seems like every guy I meet is incredibly co-dependent and is searching for someone to do everything for them.

[ClydeB]

Could be worse. You could be one of those people like myself that never get the matchmaking treatment from people.





ClydeB added to this post, 3 minutes and 12 seconds later...

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[JustMel]

Seems like every guy I meet is incredibly co-dependent and is searching for someone to do everything for them.

That is sooo funny. My husband was extremely co-dependent in his relationship with his ex-wife and in the beginning he was the same way with me. Now he's not. It's weird. We're thinking it has something to do with my not expecting him to always be "on" and accepting him for who he is rather than trying to be who I expect him to be. Of course when I got hurt and spent 7 months laid up there wasn't much room for him to be co-dependent. The world literally revolved around me which drove me nuts.

I think that co-dependent behavior can be changed if the person wants to change.

[Harmony]

That is sooo funny. My husband was extremely co-dependent in his relationship with his ex-wife and in the beginning he was the same way with me. Now he's not. It's weird. We're thinking it has something to do with my not expecting him to always be "on" and accepting him for who he is rather than trying to be who I expect him to be. Of course when I got hurt and spent 7 months laid up there wasn't much room for him to be co-dependent. The world literally revolved around me which drove me nuts.

I think that co-dependent behavior can be changed if the person wants to change.

This makes me feel a lot better. Now if only I could find one that actually wanted to change. I'm not sure how long I should give someone a chance to stop being co-dependent... :huh:

[JustMel]

This makes me feel a lot better. Now if only I could find one that actually wanted to change. I'm not sure how long I should give someone a chance to stop being co-dependent... :huh:

It's a process. It takes time and effort. Some people think they want to change but they can't. My husband says that going from a person who is surrounded by people and always "on" to someone who doesn't mind spending time alone is hard because you have to face yourself and that's generally what someone who is co-dependent is hiding from---themselves. Fear of failure is another.

You have to keep in mind that he's never lived alone. Ever. He was the youngest of 10 and then when he was 15 he moved in with his sister who had 7 children. At 17 he moved out on his own but always had roommates. He moved in with his ex at 21ish and they were together for 13 years. For one year they lived at his place with the roommates then moved in with her mother, stepsister, her husband, their son and a neice and nephew they were raising. When their daughter died he told her he was moving to an apartment and she could come or stay with her mom he didn't care. She moved with him. They constantly had someone staying with them throughout the time in the apartment. The day after she left him his neice moved in with her two kids. The first time he ever spent alone was after we were together and my dad took my daughter and I on a trip to keep a promise he made to mama before she died. He was home alone for three days and nights. His nephew and a friend came by to hang out but no one stayed with him. I came home to an immaculate house that had been completely rearranged but he says he learned a lot that weekend and it showed.

In the beginning if I got out of bed at night it was "where are you going" and after my reply it was always "are you coming back". That lasted for about 6 months. Now he doesn't even notice I'm not in the bed most nights. We make it a point to go to bed together but I may read or play on the computer and he goes to sleep.

He says living with me has taught him about personal space---his own and others. I need time alone and he leaves me to it. He has never pushed me to involve myself in a gathering if I don't want to and doesn't bitch if I want to leave. He actually tells people "NO" now and before he never did that. He values his time alone now. That's not to say he is always alone. He has people over to hang out or goes to hang out or spends time with the kids and neighbors but he's not up my ass 24/7 and we're both okay with that.

[Thirdie]

Since I have a tendency to never have girlfriends (only friends - I discard having a GF if it's only for the fun of it), some people either try to hook me up with somebody, or find it useful to assume I'm not straight (I definitely am straight).

Long story short, I get bored when someone tries to impede (aka step in my personal territory)... quite easily.

Note: I've never been open about sharing my feelings or whatever attraction I have for any girl, too personal.

[Lurch]

Yup, this has happened to me too. I try to really avoid conversations that turn to dating, and I never mention that I'm single because that just opens the floodgates of unwanted advice and attempts at set ups. I find it really intrusive. I'd be different if I actually asked for it... but no.

I'm 'bout ready to start telling people to mind their own damn business when they start in on me.





Lurch added to this post, 1 minutes and 52 seconds later...

Oh, and for the record, I'm not opposed to dating and I think it'd be nice to be with someone, but no girl has ever shown any interest and frankly I just got tired of caring.

[Storm]

I need to find an INTJ or INTP. LoL! They want their alone time and can be by themselves! They won't have any problems giving me my space. And hopefully they won't be searching for a mommy to take care of them. Seems like every guy I meet is incredibly co-dependent and is searching for someone to do everything for them.

Careful what you wish for. We are often emotionally distant, demanding, and stubborn. Can you handle that? (Of course, everyone has flaws, you just have to pick your poison).

[Vagrant]

I wish people would try to matchmake for me more often... it's kind of annoying to have a relatively short list to choose from.

[eternaltriangle]

I have heard people complain on both ends. I have some friends who are going to be in arranged marriages, so they are part of an extreme sort of matchmaking, and on the other end of the spectrum, many introverts lack the social connections to meet people - often a prerequisite to dating success. In some ways there was a time when I envied people who have arranged marriage as a culturally acceptable tradition and viable alternative to conventional dating.

Of course friends are usually bad at matchmaking. Here is my highly subjective opinion about matchmaker types. There are a few matchmaker types, but they are all crappy.

The first type are people who, resigned to romantic failure in their own lives, get satisfaction from joining others in blissful union. They are generally less attractive, but this works to their favour as matchmakers (a subset of this group where that doesn't hold is the gay type 1). Being a matchmaker requires one to have lots of friends of both genders. If they were viewed by the opposite sex as prospective partners themselves, the matchmaking would often devolve into an awkward menage a trois. The problem with this type is that they often don't have much of a sense of what would work because they haven't been in relationships themselves. Also, they tend to think in terms of "couples that would look cute together" rather than "what is best for individual A and individual B?"

The second type are people in relationships that want you to date for the sake of their convenience. Single people and married/in a relationship people tend to do very different social activities (I don't plan on changing my ways personally, but this is true for many). They are somewhat annoyed that you have failed to find a mate, because it makes social engagements tough. They hate getting berated by the wife for going out drinking and so, want to initiate you into the tribe.

Finally, there is the friend that is interested in your well-being who wants to set you up. Often this can be the worst of the three. Worst because A. since they know you they can ignore implicit instructions and interpret your actual desires. B. Since most people have a poor sense of what kind of person they are attracted to, and an even less communicable sense of the same. C. Because their matchmaking choices are a reflection of how well they know you as a friend, they have a vested interest in the success of the match - even if it is a poor one.





eternaltriangle added to this post, 3 minutes and 35 seconds later...

I wish people would try to matchmake for me more often... it's kind of annoying to have a relatively short list to choose from.

Does it count as matchmaking if I just name a random female (you're a guy, right?) poster in this thread and suggest that you go out for a date of... uh... cats and rubik's cubes?

[PeterIMC]

So, since I've been single again everyone and their brother (I guess in this case mother works better) wants to set me up with someone they know... I get so tired of everyone thinking that they know who the perfect guy for me is.

One of my coworkers commented about one of the newer guys at work. She kept going on about how nice he is and cute he is.... I took one look at her and said "Yes, and he's extremely religious...I don't think a girl that's incredibly confused by religion would be a good fit for him." She then comments that she didn't think about that. No kidding? Didn't think about it... Can't imagine why you think you know who to set me up with then...

Is it such a hard concept that someone just wants to be alone for awhile? Every time I tell someone that they give me a look like I'm crazy... And why is it that women are more likely to be the type to try and play matchmaker? I've only had a couple of guys try to set me up with someone they know... it's almost always girls that try and set me up with someone...

Anyone else have family or friends that try and set you up with people? How do you handle it?

Have you considered: What goes around, comes around?

[ranwayslo]

Yes. I consider it a nuisance, but I also recognize that when friends and family try to set you up they are paying you a great compliment. It is important to them. If the people setting me up are in anyway important to me I will go along with it.

[Harmony]

Have you considered: What goes around, comes around?

Elaborate...

Yes. I consider it a nuisance, but I also recognize that when friends and family try to set you up they are paying you a great compliment. It is important to them. If the people setting me up are in anyway important to me I will go along with it.

This is a good point... I just hate when they don't take my personality and the personality of the other person into consideration when setting me up with someone. I hate to waste someone's time, and I feel like that's what I end up doing when someone sets me up with a person that I have nothing in common with.

[Storm]

Yes. I consider it a nuisance, but I also recognize that when friends and family try to set you up they are paying you a great compliment. It is important to them. If the people setting me up are in anyway important to me I will go along with it.

I don't see why you have to humor the people setting you up. It's not disrespectful to tell them that whoever they picked out for you is not the kind of person you are interested in. This is a different situation from happily accepting a gift you hate, there is another person involved. Obviously, you should tell matchmakers that you're not interested in a polite way, but humoring them only encourage them.

[loosefanbelt]

I am an introvert, so if I say anything match-maker-ee it is first a compliment - a way of showing that I would think you were an attractive partner for someone.

I also think that it is really hard for people to "find" each other, and I am an NF - so I can imagine things that many don't seem able to. I have a lot of friends express surprise when they find out someone is attracted to them.

I think if you have a response that makes you feel that you can repel unwanted attention, you will feel like you have a secret bullet to use in these occasions. Then you may find a sense of freedom to not be so bothered by people's comments and might actually find it amusing oor enjoyable in a certain way.

[curiousgeorge01]

Well I don't mind it, I like meeting new people as long as they're cool. One of my relatives likes to set me up with girls from Ivy leagues because she knows I like smart women. The only time its slightly annoying is when female friends set me up with a friend who is unattractive and stuck up. Ohhh...I hate those!! Sometimes I think what are you stuck up about?? I'm better looking than you!

[Mogura]

Could be worse. You could be one of those people like myself that never get the matchmaking treatment from people.

Or you could be so physically unattractive that your friends/family/co-workers think, "no way"...

True story: I went out to lunch with a co-worker last week. This co-worker knows well that I am single and looking. So, she tells me the story of her friend who was recently notified by her company that she will be losing her job. She goes on about how her friend is desperate to get married (yes, she actually used the word "desperate") and proceeds to tell me about her friend's personality and physical attributes. "So," she said, "do you know anyone you can introduce to my friend?"

:angry: :angry: :angry:

[Eric86]

It's never happened to me before, but I don't think I'd necessarily be against it.

[Sxq]

Meh... I think I would be willing to go along with it if someone tried to set me up. Never happened before so I guess I don't really have any prior knowledge of what it would be like.

Although, I am rather awkward with people that I don't know very well... so it probably wouldn't work anyway.

[searcher]

My mother and brother attend a fairly conservative church, where the general attitude is that females are meant to get married, play housewife and produce children.

Thus, anyone who comes round generally attempts to set me up with one of the guys at church (this has esculated since my leaving it).

I'm still at high school.

[Guildwriter]

Never happened. Though I'd be curious to see who they think would be compatible with me.

[Mader]

Still in high school. Oh, please, just say no.

Not fixed up but 2 weeks after my husband died Mom told me I needed to get married again since I was too young to live the rest of my life alone.

Blind dates and such, no no no no. I would feel that I was on display.

[Lurch]

Or you could be so physically unattractive that your friends/family/co-workers think, "no way"...

True story: I went out to lunch with a co-worker last week. This co-worker knows well that I am single and looking. So, she tells me the story of her friend who was recently notified by her company that she will be losing her job. She goes on about how her friend is desperate to get married (yes, she actually used the word "desperate") and proceeds to tell me about her friend's personality and physical attributes. "So," she said, "do you know anyone you can introduce to my friend?"

:angry: :angry: :angry:


I hope you stuck her with the bill.

[Rudy]

My mother and brother attend a fairly conservative church, where the general attitude is that females are meant to get married, play housewife and produce children.

Thus, anyone who comes round generally attempts to set me up with one of the guys at church (this has esculated since my leaving it).

Hah; this is very familiar to me. After leaving the church, I was subjected for many years to attempts by people, mostly my mother, to set me up with a "good Catholic girl."

[azelismia]

I think I may be one of the few people on the planet who have never been set up on a blind date.

[JohnDoe]

I like when people play matchmaker as long as they have good taste.

[Rudy]

I like when people play matchmaker as long as they have good taste.

That's rather like saying "I like it when people give me advice, as long as it's good advice," right?

I sort of agree, but you can't tell someone "Don't matchmake with me unless you have good taste," since everyone thinks that that have good taste.

[azelismia]

That's rather like saying "I like it when people give me advice, as long as it's good advice," right?

I sort of agree, but you can't tell someone "Don't matchmake with me unless you have good taste," since everyone thinks that that have good taste.


some people DO have good taste. i've heard of a few old fashioned stories where it was the thang to be.

[JohnDoe]

some people DO have good taste. i've heard of a few old fashioned stories where it was the thang to be.

Yeah, I know some people who can consistently pick well.

[theDoc]

It could be a viable business option for someone who's interested in hooking up all the single intj's around the forum.