dating a friend's ex

[Cricky]

Your opinions...

Is it always a bad idea? Does it depend on the situation? Under what circumstances would it be possibly fatal to the friendship? When would it be okay, in your opinion?

[JustMel]

Depends on how serious they were and why they didn't continue to date. If one side was beating the hell out of the other one then no you don't go there. If they were friends or had an initial spark and then decided they just couldn't swing it then it's not a big deal. If they have kids together stay out of it.

I suppose you should mention it to the friend first just so there's no friction there. If it was a bad relationship and s/he used you to vent to about the person they were dating that is now wanting to date you then there is likely to be an issue since the friend will probably feel as if you are slapping at them by dating someone who was so "horrible" to them.

The two female friends I've had since grade school and I never dated the same types of guys so there was never an issue.

[theDoc]

No, just no. Either way you look at it, it *WILL* be a bad idea.

[Harmony]

Lots of factors to consider here.

How long have they been broken up? A friend of mine dated one of my ex's, she thought I was jealous because I begged her to stay away from him... I begged her to stay away from him because he was an extremely jealous inconsiderate jerk and she was an overly sensitive girl... So what happened... A few months into the relationship she's bawling to me because he's always out with the guys and never wants to just be with her, and gets mad when she says so much as hi to another guy....

For the most part, I think it's okay... The times I don't are if the friend still has feelings for the ex...Or they just recently broke up... I'm also pretty laid back, and things like this don't get to me though...

[dalidaisy]

I think most people have issues with this. For me, however, if I'm done with someone, I could care less. What difference does it make? If it pains you to see your ex, just tell your friend not to bring them around.

Do you want to keep your friend? If you aren't that close & being with their ex is more important, go for it. It'll probably be a give & take. Weigh your options & go with the path that leads to happiness for you...

[Josephine1012]

I think it is generally a very bad idea. Sometimes it's a horrible idea, other times it's just sort of not good. Regardless, you're better off finding someone else.

No matter what the topic of your new significant other becomes off limits with your friend, you start to be a little more cautious about what you say and you find yourself engineering the best possible way to maneuver between the two people.

The person who dated someone first will always be a little jealous, even if they were the ones who orchestrated the break up. If their friend finds value in their ex, they are likely to want to take a second look to make sure they didn't miss something. The whole situation is trouble!

[Cthulhu]

My friends seem to have such poor taste in women that it's never been a consideration of mine. If the opportunity arose, though, I think I would avoid it. There are, it seems, too many potential complications.

[Plane Stress]

Depends on who you care about more: your friend's ex or your friend. If you're confident things will work out between your friend's ex and yourself, go for it. Just be aware that you might lose your friend.

[Prunesquallor]

Ask the friend. Make sure they don't lie and expect you to "read" them.
It's individual.

[Kisai]

Your opinions...

Is it always a bad idea?

Yes. Hell yes. Always hell yes, unless its worth shutting out your friend.

[Rho1334]

Definately talk to the friend. I generally think it is a bad idea, but if you fell you need to give it a try then definately make sure there are no problems.

[Macbeth]

Your opinions...

Is it always a bad idea? Does it depend on the situation? Under what circumstances would it be possibly fatal to the friendship? When would it be okay, in your opinion?

This is the culture of promiscuous premarital sex. Your "friend" needs to suck it up and get over his squeamishness. If you're not getting her, somebody else is, so it may as well be you. Don't think your "friends" won't fuck you over if it benefited them.

[Vagrant]

Depends on situation and the people involved.

Seriously. Some people could be totally cool with it, but you're more likely to hit the negative side than positive side.

[dogwoodlover]

I swooped my girlfriend from my band's bassist. If he had been legitimately in love with her, I wouldn't have done it.

We've been dating for three years now, and it was by far one of the best / most crucial decisions I've made.

[graciela224]

Depends on how serious they were and why they didn't continue to date. If one side was beating the hell out of the other one then no you don't go there. If they were friends or had an initial spark and then decided they just couldn't swing it then it's not a big deal. If they have kids together stay out of it.

I suppose you should mention it to the friend first just so there's no friction there. If it was a bad relationship and s/he used you to vent to about the person they were dating that is now wanting to date you then there is likely to be an issue since the friend will probably feel as if you are slapping at them by dating someone who was so "horrible" to them.

The two female friends I've had since grade school and I never dated the same types of guys so there was never an issue.

This. Once I was dating a guy, but we just didn't hit it off. Then my friend started dating him, and they got along really well. I didn't mind in the least. But if the breakup had been messy, I would've been really upset with her.

[Nemesis]

I would generally say a flat out no... but I've been in this situation myself. It really depends on the friend and potential lover. I knew it would put a tonne of strain on my friendship... but I went for it anyways. It did not bode well at all between me and the lady, but I'm glad I went for it because not knowing and thinking "what if..." would have been way worse. In general it is viewed as a "mistake"... but some mistakes are really worth making ;)

[Hatsumomo1]

Your opinions...

Is it always a bad idea? Does it depend on the situation? Under what circumstances would it be possibly fatal to the friendship? When would it be okay, in your opinion?

It's not always a bad idea, but it has a strong potential for blowing up in your face under certain circumstances. If your friend is okay with it, I see no problem with it. I imagine it would be fatal if your friend still had feelings for the person your dating. I'd highly recommend finding out so you don't put your friendship in jeopardy. Also, I'd try to stay clear if the breakup was messy.

From my experience, I did had a friendship end because I was dating their ex. Only he wasn't really their ex because they never officially got together, she wasn't upfront with me when I asked her about it, she acting like she didn't like him at all, etc... She got pissed at me because I was going out with someone she "hated" because he was an "asshole" to her. In the end, I told her to fuck off and now we're not friends anymore, thank God.

Okay, not the best example. It relates about what I said before you. Make sure you find out if they're okay with it before you precede. If they're not going to be truthful with you, I don't see how it's your problem, since to me, a real friend is honest. But it's up to you. However, I wouldn't take a chance with just anyone.

Oh, and be sure to find out why they broke up.

[Tough Love]

Oh good Question! Ide like to see everyone elses responses!

I was going out with fellow A, broke up after a month and a bit, although he was very keen on the relationship. After some harassment from him as to why i broke it off, i eventually told him that i was not attracted to him. He just did not do it for me.

That was in the October. While we had been going out fellow A had introduced me to a jackass friend of his (or so i thought at the time). They are best friends. We will call him fellow B. Now fellow B and i had very common interests, so when it hopped over to Feb time we were already feeling the attraction. March came by and we decided that we really liked each other, and regardless of the fact i had been seeing his best friend, we were going to give it a go. But we were not going to mention anything to him until WE knew for definate it was worth telling him about. If not why hurt him? It was about two months later and fellow B told fellow A, letting him know that it was serious and not just for fun and games. He was very very cool about it, of course it had been a good few months since we had dated, and as i said we had only dated for a month in the first place. He has now gone on to the army (my boyfriend was also 3 years in the army) and they get along better than ever.

Now I and fellow B are engaged and getting married in August!! Happy happy happy!





Tough Love added to this post, 4 minutes and 24 seconds later...

[QUOTE=Nemesis;433067]I would generally say a flat out no... [QUOTE]

ye me too

''all's fair in love and war''

[qwerty123]

I'm trying to think of a situation where it wouldn't be a bad idea.. Even if they give you the verbal go ahead, there will inevitably be awkward moments, and it will probably go up then down like the Hindenburg.

[theDoc]

I'm trying to think of a situation where it wouldn't be a bad idea.. Even if they give you the verbal go ahead, there will inevitably be awkward moments, and it will probably go up then down like the Hindenburg.

No matter how I look at it, it just doesn't go down well with me and heaven forbid, if I ever find out that a friend just came into the picture if the whole situation was already messy to begin with, it's probably the curtains which will fall on the whole friendship

[Tough Love]

Even if they give you the verbal go ahead, there will inevitably be awkward moments, and it will probably go up then down like the Hindenburg.

I havent experienced any. Awkward moments that is. Hang on - of course there were, for like five mins, the first time i saw him after my bf had told him we were going out. It was at a bbq, my bf wasnt there, i offered him something to eat and that was that. We are now very very happily engaged and i think my ex may even be the best man. In my opinion, the trick is not to ever get closer to the ex than ur partner is.
And seriously, its not that difficult holding people at arms length THAT is where most of the problems lie.

[JustMel]

I'll throw a story out there and you can take from it what you will. My ex, my current and his ex all went to HS together. My current doesn't remember me a whole lot from back then because I didn't do the party scene with all of them but everyone else from the group has told him I was around and I even described the furniture in his house. Not important but it plays a part. I split town in my early 20's (mid 1996) and returned in Jan 2002. My ex and I hooked up and after 8 months got married. We'd dated off and on since HS. We'd been friends since grade school so why not. We loved each other or so I thought. He reintroduced me to my current and his wife. They were having problems and she had already been caught sleeping around but they were working on it. She would go out all the time with her friends and her husband (my current) stayed home and kept everyone's kids most of the time and he'd call me and my ex to come hang out and play cards or watch movies etc. It always seemed that as soon as we sat down my ex would fall asleep. He did this at home or at my parents' house too and it annoyed me.

My current and I would end up playing Monopoly, playing cards, playing with the kids before they went to bed or watching a movie. Both of us have issues with cheating. If you're in a serious, committed relationship then you end that before you screw around with anyone else. Period. There is no excuse for cheating on a spouse/partner. We never had a physical relationship and the flirting was light, my current flirted much more with everyone else that came around. One night he stayed home and invited us over and since he wasn't keeping anyone's kids he was drinking and his normal filters weren't operating. :) He asked me "why do I find myself thinking about someone and wanting to be with someone who is so NOT my type?" and I just shrugged it off as he was drunk. My mama got really sick and I spent a lot of time at with her at home and stayed at the hospital with her when she was in there. I would get my ex to bring me clothes and I would go to my parents' house or to my current's apartment to shower and change and then back to the hospital. About 10 days before she died I found out my ex had been cheating with women he'd met online while I was "taking care of someone who was only going to die anyway and neglecting my marriage." I was done but still taking care of my mama who was literally on her death bed and she meant more to me than an unfaithful prick. We got through the funeral and I stayed a month at my dad's helping sort through things and just being there. When he was finally okay I moved in with my bestfriend.

I called my current and told him that I appreciated the flowers he sent but really wished he could have made it to the funeral. He said, "Chris didn't tell me you asked me to come he just said "are you working Monday" and I said yeah and he told me to go ahead and go to work and he'd let you know I couldn't be there". My ex told him I said it wasn't a big deal and to not miss work. He told me that my current was sorry but couldn't get off work to be there but said he was thinking of me. I was beyond pissed. I was still moving my stuff from my ex's to my bestfriend's and I was crying one trip and his mother and he both told me I needed to get over it as my mom wasn't coming back and my tears were a waste. I had not seen my current in almost a month and had heard he'd split from his ex just after the funeral and such. She'd left in the middle of the night with a 19 yr old kid and she was 32. They'd been together for 13 years and buried a child together. (that was the beginning of the end for them) We started talking about our cheating spouses, the funeral and illness before, the loss of his daughter, etc. We started hanging out almost everyday. My ex found out and since he'd broken up with his internet chick thought I should "come home where you belong" and we'd work through it. Not happening. I don't give 2nd chances for infidelity. My current and I ended up having sex and then not speaking to one another for a week. He actually avoided me because he was dealing with the whole "my bestfriend's wife" thing. His ex and I didn't like each other and hadn't since HS so that wasn't an issue for me. The first night I spent the night with my current my ex slept on the porch so he could tell him when he left for work that "he'd had his fun and it was time to send the wife home". Eventually, my ex married the internet chick. Our divorce was final in August and he married her the next day because she was pregnant. I found out she got pregnant two weeks after I moved out. Yes that coincides with the time he slept on our porch. He eventually left the state with his new wife. My current's ex ended up living with her sister and still does four and a half years later and the 19 yr old she left with is dating one of my oldest's friends. He dumped her as soon as she ran out of money. She's strung out on meth, cocaine and who only knows what else and dating a bouncer at a titty club who is also her supplier and knocks her around. To make a long story short: I'm married to my ex's bestfriend. Which sounds horrible but there's more to it than that.

Dating a friend's ex is not always fatal for the friendship and sometimes when it is fatal it's not a bad thing.

This is the culture of promiscuous premarital sex. Your "friend" needs to suck it up and get over his squeamishness. If you're not getting her, somebody else is, so it may as well be you. Don't think your "friends" won't fuck you over if it benefited them.

You don't know that the friend had sex with the guy just because he's an ex. You don't know that the OP will have sex with the ex just because they date. Not everyone has sex with every person the date.

It is possible to have friends that don't fuck you over because it benefits them. They are rare but it does happen.





JustMel added to this post, 2 minutes and 15 seconds later...

I would generally say a flat out no... but I've been in this situation myself. It really depends on the friend and potential lover. I knew it would put a tonne of strain on my friendship... but I went for it anyways. It did not bode well at all between me and the lady, but I'm glad I went for it because not knowing and thinking "what if..." would have been way worse. In general it is viewed as a "mistake"... but some mistakes are really worth making ;)

It's never wasted time or a mistake if you enjoyed the time and/or learned something from it even if the lesson was a minor one.

[Cricky]

Oh good Question! Ide like to see everyone elses responses!

I was going out with fellow A, broke up after a month and a bit, although he was very keen on the relationship. After some harassment from him as to why i broke it off, i eventually told him that i was not attracted to him. He just did not do it for me.

That was in the October. While we had been going out fellow A had introduced me to a jackass friend of his (or so i thought at the time). They are best friends. We will call him fellow B. Now fellow B and i had very common interests, so when it hopped over to Feb time we were already feeling the attraction. March came by and we decided that we really liked each other, and regardless of the fact i had been seeing his best friend, we were going to give it a go. But we were not going to mention anything to him until WE knew for definate it was worth telling him about. If not why hurt him? It was about two months later and fellow B told fellow A, letting him know that it was serious and not just for fun and games. He was very very cool about it, of course it had been a good few months since we had dated, and as i said we had only dated for a month in the first place. He has now gone on to the army (my boyfriend was also 3 years in the army) and they get along better than ever.



This is bascialy my situation. They dated, it just didn't work out. She wasn't attracted to him and now several months later something has developed between us.

It really all depends on how the friend will take it. She tends to hold on to past boyfriends for selfish reasons. So, I could see her pretending to be okay with it, but not really. But the thing is, should her selfishness dictate the way that we act?

And, Just Me!, good story. You make a good point.

[Brittle]

I think I'd have to slap my friend if she dated any of my exes - purely for showing such bad taste and judgement! If he was any good, we'd still be together :p

I think it really comes down the circumstances surrounding the break-up. If it was fairly mutual and amicable then it probably wouldn't be too much of an issue (although I still stand by my opening statement). If things were messy, then there's probably still a lot of unresolved feelings and it's just somewhere you don't want to go.

Like everything in life, I think communication is the key and if all parties were comfortable, there's no reason why it shouldn't work... although it would probably seem a bit weird for a while.

[qwerty123]

I think I'd have to slap my friend if she dated any of my exes - purely for showing such bad taste and judgement! If he was any good, we'd still be together


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