Help me out ... Indecisive prospective INTJ partner

[ducky]

I am currently in a potentially romantic situation with my INTJ housemate. He is nine years older than me. We've been staying up late talking for about a month. We are compatible in our interests and key habits and can talk for hours and hours about life. We're from two different countries, which could introduce some intercultural difficulties eventually, but this also gives us more to think about together (a definite strength). In addition, we're both attracted to one another. We will be in the same city for the next seven months, after which we would have to assess our relationship, but I would really like a romantic relationship with him.

Three nights ago we had a discussion of our attraction, which led to a discussion on whether we should be in a relationship. He has a pattern of falling deeply in love with a particular person, but in the last few situations his affections have not been returned and he has not been in a romantic relationship for a long time. He does not think he is over the last person yet, but it has been some time, and he feels a new relationship might be what he needs to get this other woman out of his head. (Generally he has to fall in love again to get over his last interest.) He does deeply desire a serious relationship. He said he needed to think about it, but in the mean time, he really enjoys my company, so we should continue hanging out.

Last night we were talking again and the topic of our future came up. He apparently had been awake all the night before thinking about our relationship, and said he wanted to discuss his thought process. He said he likes me, he's attracted to me, but he is afraid because he doesn't know how he feels right now, and he doesn't know how he will feel. We talked for a little about that. I could tell he was going back and forth about whether a relationship was a good idea. He would almost convince himself, then say something like "I should watch what I say." Then he said a series of things on the tack of "You're an opportunity I shouldn't pass up, a better opportunity than I could hope for, passing you up might be the worst decision I ever make." Following that, he touched my cheek, and I was smiling uncontrollably and could barely say anything. I get the vibe physical affection is difficult for him, so this was a fairy heady moment. I didn't know what to say. Then things ended very abruptly: he got very flustered-looking, said he ought to leave, and rushed to bed.

Today he came by and asked me to go to lunch, but we didn't talk about last night at all.

I get the sense that part of the entire situation is that he is very timid about sexual intimacy. I want to let him know that we don't need to rush it physically, that I'm not worried about good sex, that I just want to get close to him. I think he has potential to be a great lover but it's not important to me so long as we're physically affectionate some way.

I also think that maybe he doesn't realize I'm interested in the relationship being as serious and long-term as he wants. Rationally I don't think you can plan to have a long-term relationship - things happen and I don't want to be unrealistic - but there is also a realistic chance we could be good together for real. Love is very important to me, and I'm willing to do the long-distance thing if need be, and make him a priority over other things. We're both lonely. It seems stupid not to give it a chance.

I don't quite know what to do. I like him a lot. It's making it hard to concentrate on life. I want to convince him we should give this a shot, but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do.

Should I offer him further information on my perspective?
Should I try to reason him into it?
Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?
Should I leave the topic alone and wait for him?
Should I leave the topic alone for a few days then tell him that I need to know sooner rather than later for my own well-being?

Cheers.

[jcb]

what would you do if you knew you had a very short time to live? make the most of it, i'd say.

make the decision for yourself and consequently for him. i could analyse each possible scenario and offer pro's and cons - but this isn't a game of chess. it's two people doing what two people do very naturally.

if it works, it works - if not, not.

[Vagrant]

Hahahaa.

What you have is an INTJ who sounds kinda like me -- I know what to say, but god I get flustered and nervous when I say it. There's no need to try and trick him or reason him into it right now -- he's practically in your lap as it stands. Just give him a bit of time and some gentle persuasion (you know, the romantic kind), and I expect you should end up quite well together. :)

Also, don't forget that the last time people on this forum were asked if they would rather be approached first or be the approachee in a relationship, most said they would rather be approached. If your INTJ is nervous (like I would be), take a little initiative.

[Brittle]

Sounds to me like the last incident he was reaching out and just waiting for you to reach back. What did you do/say when he was touching your cheek and telling you you were an opportunity he shouldn't pass up? If you didn't reciprocate the sentiment, I'm not surprised he got flustered and rushed to bed (he probably felt he'd put his heart out for the taking and it was being left on the plate).

Perhaps you could write him a card or letter explaining you were a bit overwhelmed by the whole conversation (or whatever seems appropriate) and that you would like to see where things go and are happy to take it at his pace. Seems to me he would be open to that.

Good luck!

[JohnDoe]

Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?

Cheers.

Yes. Do this one. But you have the order reversed. If you kiss him he will turn his brain off :)





JohnDoe added to this post, 15 minutes and 21 seconds later...


Should I leave the topic alone for a few days then tell him that I need to know sooner rather than later for my own well-being?


Please don't give someone an ultimatum or anything that vaguely sounds like one.

[Samoan Corleone]

Should I offer him further information on my perspective?

Definitely. He's an INTJ, so it'd help if he could hear this. It would allow him to weigh the pros and cons, and figure out variables, and such.


Should I try to reason him into it?

Absolutely. We love reason, don't we fellas? This ties into what you suggested above.


Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?

This may work. Without our brains, we're powerless. But, you don't want to get your hopes up by doing this, because he will assess the situation later, when his brain is switched back on, and, depending on how he feels for you, he may or may not have regrets. If he truly feels for you, then this would so work.


Should I leave the topic alone and wait for him?

If you want to give him time to process everything, then sure.


Should I leave the topic alone for a few days then tell him that I need to know sooner rather than later for my own well-being?

Nah, we hate being told to think faster than we're used to. At the same time we have a personal need for closure, so we'd understand that other people also need peace of mind.


Overall, I'd go with both the first and seond option, then the fourth. Put everything out in the open, allow him time to process the information, and he'll give you an honest answer in due time.

[2obvious]

I am currently in a potentially romantic situation with my INTJ housemate. ... We will be in the same city for the next seven months

...

I also think that maybe he doesn't realize I'm interested in the relationship being as serious and long-term as he wants. Rationally I don't think you can plan to have a long-term relationship - things happen and I don't want to be unrealistic - but there is also a realistic chance we could be good together for real.

You're not considering (or, at least not articulating) the pessimistic side of this. The relationship working out is the best possible outcome, not the worst. We should all be so lucky to find people worth detouring our lives over.

If you try something and it falls apart during that seven months you're sharing rent, do you have a game plan? Can you stomach that awkwardness? If not, then I've found that the warm comfort of sexual tension makes each night's sleep that much cozier.

But I'm hoping you have a strong constitution. Love is worth the discomfort of finding it.

Perhaps you could write him a card or letter explaining you were a bit overwhelmed by the whole conversation (or whatever seems appropriate) and that you would like to see where things go and are happy to take it at his pace. Seems to me he would be open to that.

Write him a card? They live in the same house.

Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?

Yes. Do this one.

I second.

[Darkfusion]

See where it goes.

[DanteFalling]

"he feels a new relationship might be what he needs to get this other woman out of his head."

Ugh. Almost always a bad idea, especially for an INTJ. We tend to not get over people EVER, but we need to accept that, not distract ourselves.

I would highly suggest NOT invading his personal physical space. I HATE when men do that to me, and I tend to need to make the first physical move.

If I were you, I'd continue supporting him, pursuing your own interests (we INTJs are suckers for interesting people), and showing that you can hold down an intellectual conversation. Letting him know you appreciate him for who he is could also be a good start. As an INTJ, most of my best relationships started out as friendships. Go with that.

[Brittle]

Write him a card? They live in the same house.


So? I've often written cards or letters to people I've shared houses with because it gives me a chance to organise my thoughts and for them to think about what I have to say without needing to give an immediate response. I've used them to say sorry, thank you, love you (in the case of my partner), or anything else that I might have trouble expressing verbally.... which was the whole point of the suggestion.

[Nanashi]

Oh, ducky....how similar we are. I'm the female INTJ interested in my ENFP male housemate. I selfishly want to know how your situation works out, if you'd share it with me eventually.

[SShack]

He liiiiiiikes you. He really, really, really likes you. It is extremely, obviously apparent that he likes you a lot. Probably falling in love with you and is afraid to say it. Your description of his previous attractions indicates that he's been rejected before and this, of course, creates a certain fear.

Your questions:
"Should I offer him further information on my perspective?"
Probably. You're very vague about what you've said. Are you certain about how you feel? If so, tell him. If he senses you are uncertain, that will probably feed his fear of rejection.

"Should I try to reason him into it?" I don't think that's the source of the problem here.

"Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?" When I first started reading your story I started muttering "kiss him kiss him kiss him kiss him" to myself, especially when he touched you.

"Should I leave the topic alone and wait for him?" No. Rather, not entirely. Some INTJs are very assertive with relationships, but some are passive. He seems to be falling on the passive side. You will need to be the assertive E here, but not so much so that you scare him. Dealing with the first question will probably deal with this issue.

"Should I leave the topic alone for a few days then tell him that I need to know sooner rather than later for my own well-being?" You can leave it alone for a few days, but don't put the choice in his hands. You're both part of this. Maybe leave the topic alone for a few days and then deal with question number one.

Here is how I literally "officially" started my relationship with my INTJ guy (I also got some good advice from this forum):

While driving home from a trip to Disneyland and chatting with him about stuff:
Me: "By the way, I'm not much for labels, but if my friends start asking questions, I'm telling them you're my boyfriend."
Him: "That's fine."

Ta-da!

[Acextreme]

I don't quite know what to do. I like him a lot. It's making it hard to concentrate on life. I want to convince him we should give this a shot, but I'm not sure if there's anything I can do.

Should I offer him further information on my perspective?
Should I try to reason him into it?
Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?
Should I leave the topic alone and wait for him?
Should I leave the topic alone for a few days then tell him that I need to know sooner rather than later for my own well-being?

Cheers.

Look, he's hinting as much as he could without being too blatantly forthright to the point of awkwardness that could scare off someone, because we INTJs knows that not everyone is like us, so we tend to tone things a little for the sake of the receiver. I don't know about others but for me, I would use metaphors and analogies to hint strongly about our situation.

Should I offer him further information on my perspective?
Yes, please do. One thing with most INTJs (or me only?) is that when it comes to relationships, we want things as clear as possible; we want certainty before we make any move. At least I have been through so many heartache because of ambiguity, mind games, etc, that the moment I sense one, I am out of it. Play mind games with me and I am gone the next instant. So I seek as much info as possible before deciding whether to commit to or trust the person and let her into my innermost world of emotions, feelings, etc; one reason why most of us have erected such tough titanium walls around our emotions is because we are bad in dealing with feelings and to get hurt from it means it's a long LONG process of recovery which could take years (I finally recovered from my first heart wreck from my first love after 7 years...can't believe it, yeah? That's why I am extremely cautious now...).

Should I try to reason him into it?
Well, I don't really see a need to reason him into it if my hypothesis that he is only unsure about how you feel towards him is true. Once he knows or has gathered enough info that you are madly in love with him, making a decision to commit into a relationship is easy. I can make that decision in a finger snap if I have all available info.

Should I somehow trick him into turning his brain off and just kiss him and end this agony?
Why do you need to? You don't have to trick him first, kiss him and his brain would have a black out instantly. To do it otherwise would take a long time; kissing him is the fastest, if not the only way, to switch his brain off; we are very toughminded and resistant to all forms of attacks except...erm, you know...

Should I leave the topic alone and wait for him?
Don't really have to pursue it too hard, INTJs have a tendency to want things decided as soon as possible. He would bring the topic back very soon. Or alternatively, you can pursue it in another way, by being more intimate with him; this will let him know you are definitely interested in him.

Should I leave the topic alone for a few days then tell him that I need to know sooner rather than later for my own well-being?
I don't suggest an ultimatum, doing so is only a desperate measure and it do no good. I only use ultimatums when I know the other party already knows the answer but just can't figure out a way to break it to me...





Acextreme added to this post, 8 minutes and 59 seconds later...

Sounds to me like the last incident he was reaching out and just waiting for you to reach back. What did you do/say when he was touching your cheek and telling you you were an opportunity he shouldn't pass up? If you didn't reciprocate the sentiment, I'm not surprised he got flustered and rushed to bed (he probably felt he'd put his heart out for the taking and it was being left on the plate).


Yeah, I totally agree on this part. For an INTJ to make such a move is considered bold and not receiving any reciprocation feels disastrous...ducky, you are absolutely right that physical affection is probably difficult for most INTJs; we don't really like to be touched unless it's someone we like so that's what we would think others are like too. Not responding would probably tell us that you might not like that but just trying to be polite by not flinching...