Help in Comprehending an ENFP

[4x5is12]

Hi guys. I need help in understanding the behaviour of an ENFP I know. I've read all the information I could find on this type, but it just doesn't explain how this one is acting. If anyone else who's had experience with ENFPs could provide some insight, that'd be great.

Here's the story:

I'm a female INTJ who can honestly say that I've never been seriously interested in ANYONE before I started hanging out with this ENFP guy. I've rejected every other guy straight out. But this ENFP I was attracted to almost instantly, and now I feel like he's the only guy I could ever be interested in. As far as I know, he doesn't know I like him, and that's b/c I can't tell if he likes me. He's naturally charming and touchy-feely - not even just with girls, but with guys as well - so I don't take it as much of a sign that he's that way with me as well. But I do get the impression sometimes that he likes me better than most girls. Whenever he has one of his brilliant ideas I'm the first one he seeks out to apprise me of the details in the most animated fashion. We seem to be on the same wavelength on most things, probably b/c we're both abstract thinkers. Unlike what the information says about a lot of INTJs, I'm pretty good at reading people...I can usually judge/sense people's motives long before they're clear to anyone else - as long as I care enough to pay attention - and I thought I sensed something between us. I was pretty sure I wasn't just any girl to him. But I can't read this guy with any certainty, which I find disconcerting, as that doesn't happen very often.

He flirts with pretty much every girl that enters his field of vision. I know that there are numerous girls who are convinced that he likes them. Does he not realize that he's playing with their feelings (mine included), or what is going through his head? Does he just like the ego boost that realizing he could charm any girl he wants gives him, or is he actually oblivious to the effect he's having? Am I yet another pawn in some devious, immature scheme of his? He's such a compassionate, sensitive guy, so it's hard to believe that he would purposely be manipulating people. But on the other hand, neither can I believe that he can be so naive that he doesn't realize what he's doing. Like, I recently went to the movies with him and some of his other friends, and he spent most of his time talking and flirting with this other girl. But every so often he'd try to get my attention, and once he had it, he'd soon go back to chatting up this other girl. What the hell??? I don't get it. He obviously could tell that I was withdrawn and avoiding eye contact with him that night, but could he not tell why?

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking, but anyone have any input?

[rain]

Just ask him straight out.

If it were me, I would say, Are you into me or not?


Saves confusion that way, and gets you immediate results. If he's not into you, then you can move on, no love lost. If he's into you, then a beautiful relationship blossoms.

[Pandemonium]

He sounds like my twin brother.

[Arcturus]

I have an ENFP girlfriend; I feel your pain. [it's not all pain though :)]

I'm not going to try to give you advice on 'comprehending' this type as that's something I am myself yet to master, even after two months of dating one. Their people-pleasing demeanour, however, is rooted in a desire to be loved by everyone. As far as their rather disconcerting habit of flirting with everyone yet being utterly oblivious to the effects on others; I presume it's something to do with being so convinced of their worldliness in amorous pursuits that they just don't understand another person's need to have EXCLUSIVE care and attention. Thus what may seem like naivete is probably just pure obliviousness to the rather important (yet, indeed, paradoxical) element of selfishness of love. I can say that much.

However, since neither I nor you identify with their overt sociability, we're never going to 'get it' completely and trust me, they don't quite comprehend us, either, it goes both ways. For example I just don't understand my girlfriend's immediate excitability at the presentation of any distraction, especially a social one, and how far out of her way she will go to accommodate the whims of her friends (I'm a very "piss off, I'm busy" kind of person).

FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: approaching. Be direct. They won't get it otherwise. (Direct quote by my girlfriend). The flirting on his part is also probably harmless, I'm told. You need to go one step further than just flirting, or else risk being perceived as just another close friend.

[4x5is12]

If he's not into you, then you can move on, no love lost. If he's into you, then a beautiful relationship blossoms.
Normally I would be inclined to do exactly what you say - just come out and demand to know whether he likes me. But the problem is, there wouldn't be "no love lost," because I would be absolutely devastated. I'm already so attached to him.


He sounds like my twin brother.

Care to elaborate?

I'm not going to try to give you advice on 'comprehending' this type as that's something I am myself yet to master, even after two months of dating one. Their people-pleasing demeanour, however, is rooted in a desire to be loved by everyone. As far as their rather disconcerting habit of flirting with everyone yet being utterly oblivious to the effects on others; I presume it's something to do with being so convinced of their worldliness in amorous pursuits that they just don't understand another person's need to have EXCLUSIVE care and attention. Thus what may seem like naivete is probably just pure obliviousness to the rather important (yet, indeed, paradoxical) element of selfishness of love. I can say that much.

However, since neither I nor you identify with their overt sociability, we're never going to 'get it' completely and trust me, they don't quite comprehend us, either, it goes both ways. For example I just don't understand my girlfriend's immediate excitability at the presentation of any distraction, especially a social one, and how far out of her way she will go to accommodate the whims of her friends (I'm a very "piss off, I'm busy" kind of person).

FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PART: approaching. Be direct. They won't get it otherwise. (Direct quote by my girlfriend). The flirting on his part is also probably harmless, I'm told. You need to go one step further than just flirting, or else risk being perceived as just another close friend.

You're right about having to be direct, I know. In my own mind, my behaviour around him was more than obvious - I mean, I shoot down any other guy who comes on to me, and I shrink away from any kind of physical contact (even handshaking) with any guy but him. I really wish I didn't have to be the one to come out and say "I like you," though. If he doesn't like me, I'm going to have to move away so I don't have to see him anymore.

[Synamon]

He's an E, he's an F, I wouldn't read too much into him flirting with everyone, it's sounds like how he acts by default.

Normally I would be inclined to do exactly what you say - just come out and demand to know whether he likes me. But the problem is, there wouldn't be "no love lost," because I would be absolutely devastated. I'm already so attached to him.
Then it's best to find out now, before you get even more attached. You might not want to demand, but instead tell him that you like him. Nothing in life is without risk. People usually say that they regret the things they didn't do, far more than the things they did, think about that for a minute.

You're right about having to be direct, I know. In my own mind, my behaviour around him was more than obvious - I mean, I shoot down any other guy who comes on to me, and I shrink away from any kind of physical contact (even handshaking) with any guy but him. I really wish I didn't have to be the one to come out and say "I like you," though. If he doesn't like me, I'm going to have to move away so I don't have to see him anymore.
You might be surprised, the outcome doesn't have to be so extreme. Finding out that he doesn't like you at all might seriously dampen the feelings you have for him, or hopefully, he likes you back and you've taken the first step towards an amazing relationship.

[sunlover]

Sounds more like an ENTP than a ENFP.

[bmartinl]

If he indeed is an ENFP, he is is probably feeling you out, testing you. Of all the types, I've found that ENFP's are the most closely in tune with others. They have an almost magical intuition regarding other people. I think that if you are being invited out with him, even with his friends, he sees something in you that he likes. However, he may see things in great numbers of people, including other female friends. It all depends on whether he is looking for a relationship and whether you could be that person. To answer that question you probably need to get alone with him and just ask.

[Harmony]

He's an E, he's an F, I wouldn't read too much into him flirting with everyone, it's sounds like how he acts by default.

Yep... I flirt without even realizing it... My friend is always asking me if I liked a guy, and when I say no, she asks why I was flirting with him... So to me the way I act doesn't come off as flirting, but to others it does... Really gotta work on that..makes me wonder what my flirting is then... :thinking:

[Merle]

My sister is an ENFP, and I think a lot of people see her as a manipulator - flirting with everyone, stringing people along, having guys at her beck and call - in actual fact, she is nothing of the sort, she just really and honestly has so little awareness of her effect on other people, there is absolutely nothing malicious in her behaviour. To be truly manipulative you have to be deliberately pulling their strings, in my opinion, this guy's (and my sister's) behaviour is not like that at all, they just act in the way that is natural for them and don't question the results, just as they don't really question the other people's motivations, my sister is always so shocked and hurt when someone tells her that they feel like she's used them, she just doesn't stop to think that someone may have read her behaviour as meaning more than it did.

So with the flirting etc, I'd say it means very little, it's the ENFP behaving like an ENFP and not stopping to think about the consequences. That doesn't mean that he doesn't like you though, and as someone said before, they like directness - I'd go for it and try and make it more obvious that you're interested!

You could be pleasantly surprised... my sister seems not to realise that she likes someone until they make an overt move towards her - it's like the decision has to be made for her.

[Harmony]

You could be pleasantly surprised... my sister seems not to realise that she likes someone until they make an overt move towards her - it's like the decision has to be made for her.

I can relate to that.... Recently I talked to two different guys that I had a massive crush on years ago.... And both of them told me they wished I would have made a move... Both in which I thought weren't interested in me... Part of that was my self esteem at the time... I just couldn't see why a guy like him (either one really) would be interested in someone like me.

[Kellie]

ENFP reporting for duty!

Hmmm...this is tricky in the sense that a HEALTHY ENFP is blissfully unaware of the flirting, etc. but an UNhealthy ENFP is all too aware of the power of flirting. If he's unhealthy he's stringing you along for the attention. INTJs are intense, and in my experience and from what y'all have said in this forum, y'all are very loyal and exclusive to your love interest. This is perfect for the unhealthy attention-seeking ENFP.

What? She'll be exclusive with her attention and focus on ONLY me even after she watches me chat up this other girl?! What a great resource!

Need more info to see if he's healthy or not...

[Shadowgraphs]

Man, all this sounds eerily similar to the most recent batch of girl-drama I went through. Reminds me of why mating rituals piss me off so much.

The advice I'd give, regardless of his MBTI type (sounds pretty typical of ENFP's and ENFJ's I've known, btw), is the same as that of other posters: just tell him what's going on and how you feel about him. Yes, getting a rejection could very well be painful, but at least you'll know where you stand and won't be second-guessing everything he does. My intuition tells me that he probably likes you as a friend, thinks he's being nice and friendly, and doesn't realize just how powerful his being "friendly" is to you. That's been my experience, without fail, with every single one of these situations (yep, I've been in a couple). Heartbreaking, but one does move on. Plus, doing something really brave like telling the object of your infatuation that you're crazy about them tends to clear up a bunch of other stuff; you get your emotional priorities in order, although it can be something of a rough ride.

I wish you luck with all this. And hey, there's always the chance that he really is into you, which could be the start of an awesome relationship.

[freedom]

He doesn't know you like him, after all you are an intj....you probably think you are showing interest, but the only person who knows your doing it is probably you, again, after all ...you are an intj.....good news though...you are an intj!!! you have all the qualities we look for (besides being disgustingly unaffectionate)....so stop with the distant bs and tell him you like him and not just as a friend..and then after you get together, every three months remind him that you still like him as more than a friend...express a feeling or two...not a thought.. we are interested in what you think, but we care about how you feel