Your opinions on jealousy in a relationship?

[Antagonist]

I've always been a jealous person in relationship, and this fact has not changed at all in my current one. I've been with my girlfriend for about 1.5 years now and I'm extremely satisfied with where we're going. We both have similar ideals of where we'd like to go in life and both come from similar backgrounds. She is an INFJ, and thus gives me the emotional perspective I sometimes need while I offer my deep thinking in exchange. While we do get along great, sometimes the issue of jealousy comes up.

Now, I have no problems with her having male friends, but if I hear that an ex-boyfriend has contacted her I can't help but feel a very strong twinge of jealousy. She is the same in this regard. Since we're both extremely jealous, we've put a few rules into place. It works rather well, actually. Anything we would be uncomfortable with the other doing, we simply don't do. I don't like being a jealous person and I'm working every day to overcome this, and I know it's just a consequence of my Fi at work so I do my best to think about the source of my jealousy and then usually it goes away... until another issue brings it up.

What do you guys think about jealousy? Do you think it's damaging to a relationship? I don't necessarily agree with this, but it would be nice to do without. I'm just looking for opinions on what you all think of jealousy itself, nothing really specific though. Thoughts?

[Nikita]

I think that feelings of jealousy are natural, but they need to be tempered with trust. In the right relationship, I think this is easily possible. If you cannot trust your significant other to be loyal to you, then it's not likely a healthy relationship to be in. Without trust and loyalty, I do believe that jealousy can be highly damaging to a relationship.

[Plane Stress]

I have been a very very jealous person in the past. I really think that it had to do with the fact that I simply did not trust my girlfriends because of their habits, friends, personality. That sort of jealousy is very unhealthy. If you get along with someone well, though, I think that a certain amount of jealousy is probably to expected every now and then, but I wouldn't be happy if I had to constantly work to suppress it. If it gets to that point it's probably getting to the point where it's either damaging to the relationship or damaging to you-neither of which is good.

[Antagonist]

It's not really something that comes up often and I usually make it worse than it really is due to my overactive imagination. Let's say she's going to a club with her girlfriends, I have no problem with that. But then I'll think the guys hitting on her, what if she drinks too much, etc., before I realize I'm just being irrational and it all goes away.

[alphawolf]

What do you guys think about jealousy? Do you think it's damaging to a relationship? I don't necessarily agree with this, but it would be nice to do without. I'm just looking for opinions on what you all think of jealousy itself, nothing really specific though. Thoughts?

Too much jealousy is bad, but zero jealousy is even worse.

[Plane Stress]

Yeah, I don't know then... that sounds exactly like me. I haven't figured out how to deal with it yet.

[llBradll]

I think if your partner puts herself in scenarios where bad things happen then shes not taking the relationship seriously to start.
I also think that if you can't trust her talking to her ex than you might have insecurity relationship-wise. If you constantly have jealousy then things need to change soon. I don't think that you can have a healthy relationship if you have consistent jealousy.

[Geodess]

I definitely feel jealousy. I think in small doses it is healthy and natural..

However, I have issues with irrational jealousy, previous girlfriends.. feelings felt... Its odd, i never compare men i am dating, as far as i am concerned the man i am involved with at the moment is where i am.. However I make the assumption that I am always valued less, loved less and become jealous of an unknown entity... because of small details revealed and taken out of context.. I havent found a way to deal with it yet... So far the method of trying to control the tone of my voice and think about it for a good 24 hours doesnt work and i end up pretty much biting and the bit to ask a question that will end up with me looking at my INTJ while he openly mocks me untill i laugh...

I think it can be damaging in a relationship when your insecurities start to change your perspective of your partner... For example, you wouldn't say you were dating a woman who is dishonest, untrsutworthy and such but in some ways over the top jealousy implies that is how you feel and soon enough your partner will feel that is how you see her..... I have had that happen and it sucks to know that it is your own insecurities that lead to the blown out of the water jealousy and such...

[Antagonist]

I think if your partner puts herself in scenarios where bad things happen then shes not taking the relationship seriously to start.
I also think that if you can't trust her talking to her ex than you might have insecurity relationship-wise. If you constantly have jealousy then things need to change soon. I don't think that you can have a healthy relationship if you have consistent jealousy.

I think you hit it right on the head, it's not that she puts herself in scenarios where bad things might happen, it's definitely an issue within myself. My mom left my dad, sister and I when I was eight years old for somebody she met on the internet, so I can definitely see that I have issues with trusting women, maybe it's just deep down a fear of abandonment? I destroyed my last relationship with my jealousy and it was a big wake up call for me. Now when it starts getting out of hand I just take a minute, tell myself I'm being irrational, and the feelings clear. I trust her 100%, just sometimes the feelings get the best of me until I realize what is going on and I get a grip.

[Plane Stress]

Maybe go with her when you feel like jealousy could be creeping up on you? Obviously you can't all the time but maybe it'll convince you that you're being irrational.

[alphawolf]

My mom left my dad, sister and I when I was eight years old for somebody she met on the internet, so I can definitely see that I have issues with trusting women, maybe it's just deep down a fear of abandonment? I destroyed my last relationship with my jealousy and it was a big wake up call for me.

You can not have a healthy relationship until you can trust again. It doesn't work the other way around, where you assume that entering a relationship will heal you and teach you to trust again. That is called codependency, and it will usually fail after max 7-10 years. Back to square 1, you don't know how to trust again, and it's even worse than before. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Or you can decide to stay single until you get your shit straight. It's an investment in your happiness.

[llBradll]

I think you hit it right on the head, it's not that she puts herself in scenarios where bad things might happen, it's definitely an issue within myself. My mom left my dad, sister and I when I was eight years old for somebody she met on the internet, so I can definitely see that I have issues with trusting women, maybe it's just deep down a fear of abandonment? I destroyed my last relationship with my jealousy and it was a big wake up call for me. Now when it starts getting out of hand I just take a minute, tell myself I'm being irrational, and the feelings clear. I trust her 100%, just sometimes the feelings get the best of me until I realize what is going on and I get a grip.

Thats pretty rough. I know just being an INTJ makes it harder for me to trust people, but when you have a situation like that in your childhood, it would make it even worse. Alphawolf is right in saying that fixing this will be an investment in your happiness. When you have a consistent problem, it just means one more thing that you unwillingly carry with you everywhere.

I think more of the question you're looking at is where/how to fix the problem. I think what helps me is knowing that I'm happy without somebody. You have to know that you can live without them or a ton of your energy will be wasted on preventing something from happening. Truth be told, by worrying about it, you probably have a higher chance of actually having it happen anyways.

Another thing. By having jealousy, you need to have her. That means that part of your goals are within another persons control. You're playing a loosing game when that happens.

[Necrosis]

I think its debateable. I can understand wanting to talk to an ex but for me there has to be both some reason as to why you need that conversation and assurance that there are no feelings on both ends. If I am in a committed relationship, I have no problems telling an ex we can't talk as much or if not at all because it is affecting my current relationship. However, I won't start limiting who I hang out with because my SO has issues with it. As long as you SO respects how you feel and lets you know that she is contacting them because it upsets you I think that is ok with me. But I don't think it would be ok for them to go out one on one together seeing how that might rekindle flames and I find that to be disrepectful. Just my .02c I'm still trying to draw the line somewhere too...

[Cocoa]

Too much jealousy is bad, but zero jealousy is even worse.

Why would it be worse?????

To the OP: I find it so interesting what your experience is. Mine is completely different. I almost never get jealous of anything or anyone. When I do experience jealousy (* it would be 1 instance per several years) I find, that I experience it as an alien feeling, unknown to me. I often wonder at what it feels like because I go years without it, when it happens it's feels so extremely strange.

Other then that, I'm very satisfied without jealousy of this kind, so it's not like I feel I'm missing out, I'm not judging by what you're describing.

[countrygirl]

Too much jealousy is bad, but zero jealousy is even worse.

Can you elaborate why zero jealousy is worse?

Jealousy is fear of loss or love. I don't think you can completely eliminate jealousy in your life. However I do believe that this emotion is managable and you are able to deal with it effectively. I actually use the a poly relationship (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)ideals about love and in dealing with my jealousy issues.

[llBradll]

Why would it be worse?????

I occasionally get jealous and I appreciate it when I do. It gives me insight on what I desire a lot. It also comes up when things are unjust so it makes us want to make sure that we aren't being taken advantage of. Like all emotions, you need to keep them all, but in moderation. I think that its good to have some jealousy but too much is unhealthy.

[JustMel]

We don't do jealousy. It's pointless.

I dated a guy one time and for some reason we were both extremely jealous and neither of us ever had been with other people. We decided we needed to split before we hated each other and ourselves since we seemed to bring out the worst in one another. It was so horrible that one day I was screaming at him because I found a gas receipt for the previous day that was time stamped 45 minutes before he got off work and I was accusing him of screwing around when I remembered "hey dumbass YOU were with him, he got off early to go to a work function with YOU". That was the beginning of the end. He did the same and that was the end.

My husband and I agree that there are to be no females in the house when I'm not home and no males when he's not home. The only exceptions are the kids' friends and my dad. His brothers aren't even allowed in the house if he's not home. We do this to prevent any he/she said from happening. His baby's mama and his ex would try to tell me that he was hitting on them or that he wanted to get back with one or the other of them so it's just easier to not have the position to have to deal with. I was in the kitchen one day when his ex sister-in-law stopped by and he answered the door and she said "can I come in" and he said "No, Mel's not home" and she said "so, it's none of her business" and he told her that we agreed no one of the opposite sex in the house when the other isn't home. She told him that she was going to tell me that they had sex while I was at work that day and she'd convince me and I'd leave him. I walked out of the kitchen and just looked at her like she'd sprouted a second head. The drama pretty much stopped after that but it's better to be safe than have to deal with the drama.

If I go to lunch with a male co-worker I call my husband out of respect to let him know. He did the same before he became a stay at home parent to the girls if he was going with a female co-worker. It's respect.

I like no jealousy and we have a very healthy relationship so alpha once again you're spouting drivel with the comment that some is better than none.





JustMel added to this post, 1 minutes and 23 seconds later...

You can not have a healthy relationship until you can trust again. It doesn't work the other way around, where you assume that entering a relationship will heal you and teach you to trust again. That is called codependency, and it will usually fail after max 7-10 years. Back to square 1, you don't know how to trust again, and it's even worse than before. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Or you can decide to stay single until you get your shit straight. It's an investment in your happiness.

This part however is NOT drivel. He is exactly correct in this statement.





JustMel added to this post, 5 minutes and 10 seconds later...

I think that feelings of jealousy are natural, but they need to be tempered with trust. In the right relationship, I think this is easily possible. If you cannot trust your significant other to be loyal to you, then it's not likely a healthy relationship to be in. Without trust and loyalty, I do believe that jealousy can be highly damaging to a relationship.

I totally agree with this statement. We trust one another so there is no need for jealousy. I've had his ex tell me he spent the previous night with her and he wanted me to move out so she could move back in. Funny thing was he was with me the night she was talking about in a hotel room at the casino so he wasn't even in the same town. I asked her where they spent the night and she said her place which isn't even the same state. :rolleyes:

[Antagonist]

I think its debateable. I can understand wanting to talk to an ex but for me there has to be both some reason as to why you need that conversation and assurance that there are no feelings on both ends. If I am in a committed relationship, I have no problems telling an ex we can't talk as much or if not at all because it is affecting my current relationship. However, I won't start limiting who I hang out with because my SO has issues with it. As long as you SO respects how you feel and lets you know that she is contacting them because it upsets you I think that is ok with me. But I don't think it would be ok for them to go out one on one together seeing how that might rekindle flames and I find that to be disrepectful. Just my .02c I'm still trying to draw the line somewhere too...

I think there's some misunderstanding here, she never contacts any of her ex's, it's always them that contact her. She's the "bleeding heart" type and always tries to help people with their problems, so they use that as an in to contact her. She's had one conversation with her latest ex-boyfriend in the year and a half since we got together, and I expressed my discomfort about it and it hasn't been a problem since. We have very good communication so any issues that come up are always solved right away.


Thats pretty rough. I know just being an INTJ makes it harder for me to trust people, but when you have a situation like that in your childhood, it would make it even worse. Alphawolf is right in saying that fixing this will be an investment in your happiness. When you have a consistent problem, it just means one more thing that you unwillingly carry with you everywhere.

I think more of the question you're looking at is where/how to fix the problem. I think what helps me is knowing that I'm happy without somebody. You have to know that you can live without them or a ton of your energy will be wasted on preventing something from happening. Truth be told, by worrying about it, you probably have a higher chance of actually having it happen anyways.

Another thing. By having jealousy, you need to have her. That means that part of your goals are within another persons control. You're playing a loosing game when that happens.

As for having trust issues, I can't say that I don't have them. I've been working on resolving my issues for years, and while they are gradually becoming less and less of an influence, they are still present nonetheless. I'd rather not have to end this relationship to work on my issues, because deep down I really do trust her, it's just that when I get into a certain state of mind my imagination runs wild and I make up all sorts of scenarios. Lately though I've been getting better and better at snapping myself out of this sooner rather than later.

[alphawolf]

Can you elaborate why zero jealousy is worse?

Because it means that the relationship is boring you to tears and you just don't care about protecting your investment. Everyone wants to feel desired, again and again, forever. A little bit of jealousy can evoke powerful emotions and passionate sex. Basically, it means validation. I am comparing myself to others and asking you to confirm that you choose me. Everyone has insecurities sometimes about how desirable they are to their mate.

Irrational, angry, and continued jealousy is the killer.

[llBradll]

My husband and I agree that there are to be no females in the house when I'm not home and no males when he's not home. The only exceptions are the kids' friends and my dad. His brothers aren't even allowed in the house if he's not home.

While you can live with that, I don't think that most people could. I would hate to have a relationship like that because I'd think to myself "Why can't we just trust eachother?". I see this as a technique only in place because one/both of you don't have enough trust for the other/trust in general.

Secondly I'd imagine that there are moments where both of you think that the rule is a giant pain in the ass.

I'm not sure about it though. After a while the rule could become comfortable for me. I couldn't say without trying it.

As for having trust issues, I can't say that I don't have them. I've been working on resolving my issues for years, and while they are gradually becoming less and less of an influence, they are still present nonetheless. I'd rather not have to end this relationship to work on my issues, because deep down I really do trust her, it's just that when I get into a certain state of mind my imagination runs wild and I make up all sorts of scenarios. Lately though I've been getting better and better at snapping myself out of this sooner rather than later.

Then what it sounds like to me is that you're becoming more comfortable and you're making healthier boundaries. For the most part it sounds like you're on the right track. Also, don't think that you need to end the relationship. The relationship just gives you a better chance to work on the trust issues.

[alphawolf]

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy. -Aristotle





alphawolf added to this post, 43 minutes and 38 seconds later...

it's just that when I get into a certain state of mind my imagination runs wild and I make up all sorts of scenarios.

What state of mind would that be? When she is gone for too long?

This stuff will drive you to anxiety, man. You can suppress it, but you'll have a bad day and it will rise again.

Do the work it takes to forgive your mother and yourself, then try to build a relationship.

[Cairech]

I don't deal with much jealousy but I sure do have anger issues. It sounds to me like you've hit on the perfect solution; don't do what you wouldn't want done to you. It's the golden rule, totally appropriate.

[countrygirl]

Because it means that the relationship is boring you to tears and you just don't care about protecting your investment. Everyone wants to feel desired, again and again, forever. A little bit of jealousy can evoke powerful emotions and passionate sex. Basically, it means validation. I am comparing myself to others and asking you to confirm that you choose me. Everyone has insecurities sometimes about how desirable they are to their mate.

Irrational, angry, and continued jealousy is the killer.

I think alot of people feel this way but I don't agree with it and it can be the root of many problems including mind games. My husband validates me with the way he treats and speaks to me, including when he sensually caresses my body (with and without clothes). When I have my jealousy issues, it ususally means I need reassurance not validation.

[JustMel]

Because it means that the relationship is boring you to tears and you just don't care about protecting your investment. Everyone wants to feel desired, again and again, forever. A little bit of jealousy can evoke powerful emotions and passionate sex. Basically, it means validation. I am comparing myself to others and asking you to confirm that you choose me. Everyone has insecurities sometimes about how desirable they are to their mate.

Irrational, angry, and continued jealousy is the killer.

Ummmm no. Not always for everyone. That's a very broad statement. I don't feel bothered or inadequate or that he has to "choose me" just because he finds someone else attractive. In fact we point attractive people out to one another. You can have passionate sex without having jealousy. Yes some people do have insecurities. However, not everyone does. I firmly believe that if he wants someone else he can have someone else. I will move on. he feels the same way. We've had these discussions.





JustMel added to this post, 5 minutes and 50 seconds later...

While you can live with that, I don't think that most people could. I would hate to have a relationship like that because I'd think to myself "Why can't we just trust eachother?". I see this as a technique only in place because one/both of you don't have enough trust for the other/trust in general.

Secondly I'd imagine that there are moments where both of you think that the rule is a giant pain in the ass.

I'm not sure about it though. After a while the rule could become comfortable for me. I couldn't say without trying it.

It's not a giant pain in the ass for us because neither of us really associated with other people unless it's couples. If a couple comes by it's not a big deal. It's primarily put in place so there aren't issues with the ex. My ex slept on our front porch one night. That was a whole other story. It's not that we don't trust each other. It's so that the other never has a reason to question. When we first got together his ex's whole family would show up telling my husband that he needed to leave me and take her back. There was a lot of drama and so we use each other as an excuse to avoid the drama. "Sorry, no you can't come in Mel's not home and we have an agreement about opposite sex in the house when the other isn't home". I've come home and his baby's mama has been here dropping off the kids and I didn't blow up or even question it but it stopped her from coming by WITHOUT the kids with her and trying to cause problems.

You have to understand our relationship isn't like most people's where there are two sets of friends trying to integrate. We all went to high school together, we all married someone in the group, we all hung out as couples. Two couples split up within 6 weeks of one another for infidelity issues and the two spouses that were cheated ON started talking and ended up together. We gravitated away from the group and that caused even more drama so the "rule" was easier for us to not have to deal with drama llamas.

[alphawolf]

I think alot of people feel this way but I don't agree with it and it can be the root of many problems including mind games. My husband validates me with the way he treats and speaks to me, including when he sensually caresses my body (with and without clothes). When I have my jealousy issues, it ususally means I need reassurance not validation.


Maybe validation was the wrong word. Anyhow, the need for reassurance is still jealousy.

Consider the following:

A strange woman knocks at your door, dressed sexy as hell and even more beautiful. She asks for your husband. He's at work. When he comes home, you say "Some woman came to ask for you today. blah blah blah... She was dressed like a tramp/slut/etc." Husband tells you "Really? Don't know who that could have been. Wasn't expecting anyone." Notices that you used a negative word to describe her, to compare yourself to her (I don't dress like a slut, do I?)... gives you a hug/massage/kiss/some hot sex/whatever. You have been chosen, once again, for who you are.

Other option: passive-aggressive -> You want other women, you know where the door is, mister. (doesn't stop you from feeling jealousy, even the the talk has been had). So, you don't say anything to him about how damn sexy she looked, but the little poison seed has been planted in the back of your mind. It can grow.

Nobody is immune to this stuff, unless they are romantically dead. You can either keep it inside, or let it out. The problem is only when it becomes too much.

[Salamontius]

I do not think that jealousy is needed. If my girlfriend would cheat on me, it automatically means she does not wish to be with me. So I will just find a new one. If I have doubts I can just ask that in plain text. If I never know, I don't care, unless its some other guy's children I have to raise, but that problem can be solved by DNA test. Relationships are deals, one just has to know what does one want. I know, I'm not jealous.

[Feral]

I think that feelings of jealousy are natural, but they need to be tempered with trust. In the right relationship, I think this is easily possible. If you cannot trust your significant other to be loyal to you, then it's not likely a healthy relationship to be in. Without trust and loyalty, I do believe that jealousy can be highly damaging to a relationship.

Does indeed have to be a balance though... My now-defunct marriage is a perfect example of that.
Too much trust, not enough jealousy I guess.

[Harmony]

I always have a slight bit of jealousy in any relationship... How I am being treated depends on the level of severity. I had just a little bit with one guy because he made sure to include me every step of the way when dealing with his girl friends or exes. He was always up front and honest about what they were planning on doing, what they talked about, how long they hung out, whatever. And...Then there was the opposite kind of person... When he went out with an ex or a girl friend I didn't find out until after the fact.

As long as someone is up front and honest, I can usually keep the jealousy in check. It's when they start to sneak around that I become curious as to what they are hiding. And I'm a very nosy person when I'm curious.... And if I start feeling like there is some side action going on I start asking around...

[Antagonist]

alphawolf added to this post, 43 minutes and 38 seconds later...



What state of mind would that be? When she is gone for too long?

This stuff will drive you to anxiety, man. You can suppress it, but you'll have a bad day and it will rise again.

Do the work it takes to forgive your mother and yourself, then try to build a relationship.

Typically the state of mind is brought on by something else, such as a bad day at work. Anxiety runs in my family on my mother's side so I have the tendency to overreact to certain situations sometimes. I'm becoming more skilled at detaching myself from my emotions and analyzing exactly why I feel this way and determining if the feelings are valid, which has been a great coping mechanism for me so far. I don't suppress the jealousy at all anymore; if the green eyed monster ever decides to show its face I can usually determine whether it's for a valid reason or not (most of the time not), and once I come to this realization it goes away.

I also used to have some pretty serious self-esteem issues that would manifest as panic attacks, so I'm no stranger to what happens when negative energy is suppressed for too long. It's not like I sit around seething in jealousy all day thinking things like, "WHY ISN'T SHE OFF WORK WHEN SHE SAID SHE WOULD BE?! SHE MUST BE SNEAKING AROUND!" In my last relationship this is exactly what happened and what ended up causing its death. This time around I'm more aware of my own shortcomings and I've put some measures in place to prevent myself from getting too carried away.

[Shinqui]

Jealousy is a negative emotion that will destroy a relationship. The problem here is not with your girlfriend's behaviour, or even with men contacting her, the problem lies within you. From what you have said, it is a combination of the inability to trust women based on your mothers behaviour and your own low self esteem. Work out these two issues and the jealousy will take care of itself.

[Synamon]

Jealousy is a negative emotion that will destroy a relationship. The problem here is not with your girlfriend's behaviour, or even with men contacting her, the problem lies within you. From what you have said, it is a combination of the inability to trust women based on your mothers behaviour and your own low self esteem. Work out these two issues and the jealousy will take care of itself.

I agree, and would go further, recommending you speak to a therapist about this issue. You've taken the first step by identifying that it destroyed your last relationship, some professional help working through the issues with your mother and your fears is the way to go in my opinion. Ask your family doctor or someone you know for a referral to a relationship counselor.