love-hate relationship

[getonwithit]

I am afraid of dating. Many reasons i suppose. I am slightly afraid of/intimidated by men,, i know this sounds crazy but i was sexually assaulted as a young teen by someone i trusted and it does still affect my at times (i have trust issues) Most dates Ive gone on have been fueled by my looks. It lures them in, then they try to get to know me and i wont let them in. But, i do want someone, i just dont know how to go about telling/showing them. What if they find me boring/different/weird. I try not to come off aloof, but it is hard to change your nature. thoughts? Does anyone feel this is INTJism or personal problems?

[Dreamshaper]

Trust me, you're not crazy at all. Letting someone into your inner world isn't easy for a lot of people; I know it's not for me. But if people can't accept you for who you are, that's just too bad for them. They weren't worth it anyway.

As far as being an INTJ, while it isn't always easy for me emotionally when it comes to dating, I see myself at a great advantage in a lot of other ways. Most guys that have shown an interest in me seem very drawn to my unusual personality, probably because there are few women that they know who are like me. They can't seem to figure me out, which is a challenge they seem to enjoy.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, there isn't anything wrong with you. If you feel more comfortable letting someone in slowly, that's okay, just as long as you don't completely cut yourself off from others. If a person is truly interested in getting to know you, then they should make an effort to understand.

[Vagrant]

Yeah, you're a normal INTJ.

We generally have very few people we trust, and fewer still that we let extremely close to our minds. Partially because we are aware we aren't normal. Partially because we've had to deal with being shunned and hurt by the world for being different. Considering you were assaulted when you were younger, it's not surprising to find that you have even less trust in others.

But that said, don't write yourself off as boring/uninteresting/weird. If a guy thinks you are that way, you don't want him. You want somebody who is naturally fascinated by you. So don't stress -- he'll show up.

[rara avis]

I've found that men really seem to dig my INTJ-ness. (At first, anyway- I suspect that with most of them, it wouldn't wear as well as they seem to think, in the long haul.) Vive la difference between us and other women; it may be seen as different and weird, but that's what makes it valuable. It seems that INTJ traits in a woman can kind of be a relief to a guy.

I say, don't worry that you have a hard time finding someone you're comfortable with- it's the M.O. for lots of us. It does not signify that you're somehow messed up or damaged. To me, (on a good day) it's just part of being an extraordinary person. Being above ordinary, by definition, makes you difficult to match. It is what it is. I hold out hope, though, that there really is a lid for every pot- I just have to calm down and keep a cautious eye out for mine.

[Rho1334]

In my opinion your aversion to close realtionships is just you INTJ in full swing. The only problem I can see you having is once you let someone in close enough to have intimate relations your rape will play a big part in how you react. It think that would be something that would have to be worked out ahead of time. But as I always say if the guy is willing to wait and understand you as a person and let you get comfortable with him then he is not worth your time and kick his ass to the curb.

[getonwithit]

well i am glad to see the root of my problem lies with intj...how do i change my personality? Seriously, your right about the next step in an intimate relatioship. I have been in one really long term relationship and stayed in way to long after it turned bad partly b/c i was comfortable with him intimately, which took a very long time. It was very frustrating for both of us for a good part of a year. I am not sure how many guys will want to deal with issues like this. I will wait in wonder. thank you guys for replies it does make me hopeful.

[reb]

most guys don't want to deal with any issues (generally speaking; privately, corporal punishment brings out the captain in me).

trying to be serious, before i looked at changing my nature, i would look at dealing with the issues from the sexual assault. if you get that to 'lie still', you can then look at 'who am i, now?'. really, the 'boring/weird/different' message is not one i would repeat to myself. kinda staid, but you'd be better off in the long run repeating i'm ok, you're ok'. everybody has some kind of problem...the key is getting it to not have a large affect on your outlook. from there, we is who we is. i hadda learn to like myself; trying to judge my worth by others' opinions was always a mistake, and still is. opinions are like camaros-everyone has at least one. my opinions work better for me than anyone else's; likely they do not work for anyone else at all...too bad for them.

good wishes to you.

[JohnDoe]

well i am glad to see the root of my problem lies with intj...how do i change my personality? Seriously, your right about the next step in an intimate relatioship. I have been in one really long term relationship and stayed in way to long after it turned bad partly b/c i was comfortable with him intimately, which took a very long time. It was very frustrating for both of us for a good part of a year. I am not sure how many guys will want to deal with issues like this. I will wait in wonder. thank you guys for replies it does make me hopeful.

Note that people who are trying very hard to protect themselves can test as INTJ even if they are not. I suggest you come to terms with your trust issue and the rest will follow automatically. In fact you should probably ignore your type or any type related ideas until you start to address your trust issues. I can't offer many practical ideas, other then to tell you that going on dates is a good trend. Even if you don't find someone who your interested in, its going to help you get used to trusting people again, and that will eventually lead to you getting what you want.

Edit: I'll come out and say it. I'm not convinced you would be an INTJ if it wasn't for your trust issues. No doubt that someones going to come out here and crucify me for saying this. But you want to change your personality as you said. Thats something INTJ's who are INTJ's by birth very rarely say.

[alphawolf]

But, i do want someone, i just dont know how to go about telling/showing them. What if they find me boring/different/weird. I try not to come off aloof, but it is hard to change your nature. thoughts?


You're workin' too hard.

Don't ever try to change who you are just so someone will accept you. What you want is someone who will accept you for who you are.

Listen to Feral (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). She knows what she's talking about.

[JohnDoe]

You're workin' too hard.

Don't ever try to change who you are just so someone will accept you. What you want is someone who will accept you for who you are.

Listen to Feral (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). She knows what she's talking about.

Sorry AW, I gotta disagree with you here. Changing who you are so that someone will accept you is bad. Changing who you are because you want to be something better is an entirely different thing. It sounds like OP wants to change for herself, not for any particular person or for acceptance.

[Storm]

Edit: I'll come out and say it. I'm not convinced you would be an INTJ if it wasn't for your trust issues. No doubt that someones going to come out here and crucify me for saying this. But you want to change your personality as you said. Thats something INTJ's who are INTJ's by birth very rarely say.

I agree with this. I'm an INTJ by birth (or naturally, however you want to think about it), and I have 0 desire to be another type. However, I do want to develop my other functions and improve upon my weaknesses, but not at the expense of hurting my strengths or completely changing my type.

[Vagrant]

Sorry AW, I gotta disagree with you here. Changing who you are so that someone will accept you is bad. Changing who you are because you want to be something better is an entirely different thing. It sounds like OP wants to change for herself, not for any particular person or for acceptance.

Actually, her original post sounds more like she wants to change her personality to be accepted and appear more attractive to men. Which is not something that should be done.

[Storm]

Actually, her original post sounds more like she wants to change her personality to be accepted and appear more attractive to men. Which is not something that should be done.

Well, she should try to seek help for the emotional damage of the sexual assault. I'm so sorry. That should never happen to anyone. I think most people would have trust issuses after something like that.

But, an INTJ woman would never want to change her core self to be accepted by men. I'd rather be alone than change my core self for a man or become something more "feminine."

[JohnDoe]

Actually, her original post sounds more like she wants to change her personality to be accepted and appear more attractive to men. Which is not something that should be done.

Symptoms of the problem vs the problem itself. If you have emotional damage (to borrow Storm's terminology), the most obvious way it will manifest itself is as having problems dating.

[llBradll]

I really don't think that you should let one bad situation ruin your dating life. Also interests vary so some people will see you as boring/different/weird but there are likely people who will be interested in you. I think that it is hard to change your INTJ nature. We naturally analyse things, so we are more skeptical. I see it as an advantage because we just naturally see flags so we can discern who is good/bad for us better. That being said I think you should give some people the benefit of the doubt because we can be extremely critical.

[JohnDoe]

I really don't think that you should let one bad situation ruin your dating life. Also interests vary so some people will see you as boring/different/weird but there are likely people who will be interested in you. I think that it is hard to change your INTJ nature. We naturally analyse things, so we are more skeptical. I see it as an advantage because we just naturally see flags so we can discern who is good/bad for us better. That being said I think you should give some people the benefit of the doubt because we can be extremely critical.

Not everyone who tests as INTJ is an INTJ! Stop assuming this. :(

[llBradll]

If she tested as an INTJ then chances are that theres an INTJ part of her. Thats the part of her that I can help best, being that I am one. That being said, its how I targeted my advice.

Besides if it didn't sound right to her or that it fits her than I'm sure she wouldn't base her entire descision around it.

[schwartzie]

Every adult man and woman I've known who was sexually or physically harmed as a child by someone who should have been trustworthy, carried that damage into adult relationships until it was treated, medically, through counseling.

It is unreasonable to expect your future beloved to be the one who fixes it. It is even less reasonable to expect it to just go away by itself, or for you to just fix it yourself, without outside assistance. And, at the risk of being repetitive, it is yet less reasonable to sacrifice you whole damn life to the situation. I know men and women in their 40's to 70's who still carry unhappiness around with them, because of stuff that happened to them as kids. That is so sad. The asshat who did this to you as a kid should not get to steal your adulthood.

I strongly recommend looking for a good counselor who can work with you to find a way to be who you want to be. Working with someone trained to do that can be really rewarding.... There's no downside to that, and lots of upside.

[Storm]

I really don't think that you should let one bad situation ruin your dating life.

You're really belittling the effects a sexual assault can have on a person. It's not just "one bad situation" to the person who experienced it. I'm sure she wants to "get over it," but that's a lot easier said than done. It's a bit like saying to someone with chronic OCD, "It's just a doorknob, you shouldn't let it get in your way."





Storm added to this post, 2 minutes and 10 seconds later...

Oh, and I agree with schwartize. Seeking professional help is the best way to go, there's no shame in it.

[JohnDoe]

Every adult man and woman I've known who was sexually or physically harmed as a child by someone who should have been trustworthy, carried that damage into adult relationships until it was treated, medically, through counseling.

This forum bashes counseling alot. I think in your case it could really help, with the right person. If the first person you find doesn't work well, keep trying until you find someone you click with. If your in university, theres probably free or close to free counseling available. This type of problem is exactly what counseling is for.

[schwartzie]

storm is right. And it also matters that the assailant was a person that the OP trusted as a young teen. That messes with a person's development at a time when one's sexuality is being formed.

[llBradll]

You're really belittling the effects a sexual assault can have on a person. It's not just "one bad situation" to the person who experienced it. I'm sure she wants to "get over it," but that's a lot easier said than done. It's a bit like saying to someone with chronic OCD, "It's just a doorknob, you shouldn't let it get in your way."
While it may appear harsh, it is the truth. I'm not saying that it isn't a significant thing but it isn't something that should be held on to. I don't entirely understand the situation because it isn't something that I've experienced, but if I let all the bad experiences I've had hold me back then I would be living a very undesirable life.

It's very hard to let go of the past sometimes, but I feel that if you want to live a good life its something that you need to get over.

I agree with what people are saying about counselling. I think that its something that needs to be worked at as soon as possible. You want to fix the problem as soon as you can so that you can have the most time to live a quality life ahead of you.

[JohnDoe]

I agree with what people are saying about counselling. I think that its something that needs to be worked at as soon as possible. You want to fix the problem as soon as you can so that you can have the most time to live a quality life ahead of you.

That stealth edit makes your post much better :)

[Storm]

While it may appear harsh, it is the truth. I'm not saying that it isn't a significant thing but it isn't something that should be held on to. I don't entirely understand the situation because it isn't something that I've experienced, but if I let all the bad experiences I've had hold me back then I would be living a very undesirable life.

It's very hard to let go of the past sometimes, but I feel that if you want to live a good life its something that you need to get over.

I agree. I wasn't saying she shouldn't try to deal with the problem. I'm saying your advice was so obvious that it was unhelpful and insulting. Obviously, she should try to get over it. She knows that. She's looking for specific advice on how to do it. The answer is "seek professional help."





Storm added to this post, 1 minutes and 57 seconds later...

I agree with what people are saying about counselling. I think that its something that needs to be worked at as soon as possible. You want to fix the problem as soon as you can so that you can have the most time to live a quality life ahead of you.

Oh! The saving face edit. You are redeemed.

[getonwithit]

no really, i am an intj, i am ok with it. Whenever i go out with friends and realize i cant stand the convo anymore and am relieved to be home, i know it fits. I have contemplated w/seeking pro help but i dont really like to talk my probs over w/people. I am usually better at figuring/thinking through things myself and once i've made my mind up i just do it. Thanks all