INTJ DATING? [Archive]

Storm

02-28-2009, 09:11 AM

Aw, I have been on many dates. (I think I'm a bit unusual for a 20 something INTJ). On a first date, I usually dress nice, but I don't "dress up." I want to make sure he can appreciate me for who I am. I try to steer the conversation to hit important points; make sure he has a similar outlook in life, similar interests etc. I try to approach dates very casually and rationally. If feelings of infatuation pop up, I try to shoo them away so I can concentrate on what's actually in front of me. Love is blind. I don't want her steering. Of course, she usually ends up steering anyway. :rolleyes:

I also do not tell friends about a new love interest until after a few dates. I don't want people gossiping about me or having to tell people it didn't work out. Actually, last time I went through a break up, many people didn't find out til weeks or months later because I just didn't talk about it except to a chosen few.

Things I have done on dates:

Gone out to a casual lunch or dinner (most common)
Gone out for ice cream/coffee
Gone to the local park for a walk
Gone to museums.

Trenchant1

03-01-2009, 04:02 AM

I don't date and never really have. The thought doesn't frighten me. It's just that I've never met anyone with whom I can talk for any length of time without either me boring them or them boring me. That sounds terrible, I know, but I'm not one for small talk or putting on a face. If a woman is going to like me, she has to like the real me, not some other me I project simply in order to have my wicked way with her. That means that most people are frozen out. This may be self-defeating behaviour but I really can't be bothered spending a lot of time with someone who gets on my nerves. I have to do that with most of my family already. That takes up all of my patience. Good grief, I'm anti-social. This is probably related to my age. I've been married and had kids. I'm not motivated enough to go through the whole rigmarole of 'courting' again. Although, if a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful (and preferably extremely rich) woman were to fall into my lap, I'd be willing to give it a try. (All applications will be considered very carefully).

Homini Lupus

03-01-2009, 06:33 AM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date?
Some INTJs are versatile and curious or motivated enough to try that. I've done it a few times.

I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date?

To me dating is made of two things. First it is a decision to spend a significant amount of time exclusively with a given person of the other sex for the sake of being with her; second that person must be potentially a sexual mate with which I may be interested in building an exclusive relation.

This mean that the person with which I could want to mate has to meet two standards, one dealing mostly with compatibility and intellectual attractiveness and the second mostly with phisical attractiveness.

What do they do on a date?
Discuss.

What do they think about before the date?
Logistics.

Do they even care to look a certain way?
I do, but not exageratedly. By one hand, I expect to be accepted (or refused) for what I am which comprises my phisical (lack of) comeliness. By the other hand if she refuses me for my idiosincrasies in dressing it is likely to be the beginning of the end.

Trenchant1

03-01-2009, 07:28 AM

This mean that the person with which I could want to mate has to meet two standards,

With 'whom', surely. Is this an indication of the way you feel about 'potential sexual mates'? Perhaps your perfect sexual mate is being described in this song. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
:)

Lesondemavie

03-01-2009, 09:27 AM

One female INTJ's perspective:

I absolutely date. I think people often misunderstand what it means to be introverted. I actually enjoy social events, so I do get out there and meet new people. However, this is typically through current friends (my comfort zone) and I need some downtime afterward. I've even made the first move (once and only after the costs and benefits were weighed sufficiently).

I never understood crushes growing up. I've always needed direct interaction before any interest in a guy develops. For this reason, guys that don't get to know me as a friend first typically don't have a shot in hell. I did try accepting invitations from guys who I didn't know as well. It was an interesting experiment for a bit, and I did learn something about myself. However, the dates felt forced and the conversation was too superficial to keep my interest. I'd say that casual dating isn't for me because of my personality and how I interact in such situations.

I do care about how I look, but only to a point. I like to look current and put-together, but not overdone. I don't deal with most extras like styling my hair or wearing accessories other than a simple pair of earrings. Before a date, I don't do my typical run through of a plan. I more wonder about how things will go and scenarios may pop into my head. On a date, I focus on having some fun and conversing about topics that are important to me.

ElstonGunn

03-01-2009, 10:19 AM

Whether or not I've actually been on a "real date" is debatable. If I were going to go on one, to a certain extent, floating around somewhere in my mind, I'd probably be thinking something along the lines of "I hope this relationship works out, because going through this dating process sucks, and I'd hate to have to start over again with someone else."

I'd probably end up doing something boring and awkward, especially if I didn't know my date very well, and almost certainly if I didn't know what she thought of me. I would try to look okay, but I do that every day anyways. I mean, I bathe and comb my hair on a daily basis, and I try to wear clothes that look alright to my impaired sense of style.

Mozzes

03-01-2009, 10:25 AM

I was under the impression that INTJs don't date; that they just build their mates out of spare cogs and sprockets or grow them in test tubes.

alphawolf

03-01-2009, 10:32 AM

what do they think about when they date?

Sex.

What do they do on a date?

Eat, drink, and hopefully sex.

What do they think about before the date?

How to get her back to my house for some sex. Making sure the place is clean and all the creature comforts are in place, condoms available, etc...

Do they even care to look a certain way?

Yes. If women think you are dressed nicely, they are more open to the idea of sex.

Prunesquallor

03-01-2009, 10:39 AM

I was under the impression that INTJs don't date; that they just build their mates out of spare cogs and sprockets or grow them in test tubes.

So much less fuss that way...

Henry

03-01-2009, 02:14 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

It is true that some date. I personally had some trouble with it initially as I didn't start until I was 21 or so, and by then most people have learned the so-called rules of the dating game. But, after a small handful of akward college relationships, the next 3-4 years of dating was very rewarding.

rara avis

03-01-2009, 03:05 PM

What do they think about when they date?
I've never really dated just for fun, per se... because it's not, really... fun for me. So, when I get myself into these situations, I consider the objective, (to find someone who suits, is compatible) and consider in which ways the current subject does and doesn't suit my objective. Try to parse out whether I could like them or not, which for me is really difficult under dating circumstances.

What do they do on a date?
Um, I've mostly gone to dinner? Or just for a drink, or coffee. Once I went to dinner and then to see a guy's planes... very cool, out on the tarmac at night. He would've taught me to fly, if I'd been able to hang in there... *wistful* But I couldn't make it past four dates with him. Nice guy, good credentials, but... newp. sigh.

What do they think about before the date?
I mostly try to calm myself waaaay down, and consider that this is not the be-all-&-end-all, it's just a freaking date, only a couple hours, and I don't have to do it again, if I don't want to. Somehow, I'm not usually concerned that they won't like me - that'd almost be a relief, if they seemed reticent. It worries me more that they'll glom right on, and I'll have to gently but firmly shake them at some point. ick.

Do they even care to look a certain way?
I definitely take time to consider how I'll look. Usually wear a dress or skirt, try to look feminine and pretty, but not provocative. A lot of men seem to appreciate, I don't know, my INTJness. It's something different, at least. So I don't figure they need to be extra addled by a face full of cleavage, when odds are I'm going to throw them over right quick. :undecided:

I don't particularly like dating- just semi-random dating. Everyone's much better off if I have some time to warm up to the person first, before it comes down to spending concentrated periods of time assessing each other.

rara avis added to this post, 20 minutes and 19 seconds later...

I was under the impression that INTJs don't date; that they just build their mates out of spare cogs and sprockets or grow them in test tubes.

Mine just kept coming out all ...funny. Had to keep destroying them, it was awkward.

Nemesis

03-01-2009, 03:34 PM

What are these "dates" you speak of?

Storm

03-01-2009, 03:41 PM

I was under the impression that INTJs don't date; that they just build their mates out of spare cogs and sprockets or grow them in test tubes.

Mine just kept coming out all ...funny. Had to keep destroying them, it was awkward.

You mean like these guys?
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. g

lilaznme423

03-01-2009, 08:44 PM

Sex.

Eat, drink, and hopefully sex.

How to get her back to my house for some sex. Making sure the place is clean and all the creature comforts are in place, condoms available, etc...

Yes. If women think you are dressed nicely, they are more open to the idea of sex.

WOW! I don't think most INTJ really approach dates that way...maybe you are special?

Liquid

03-01-2009, 09:04 PM

Awkward times... awkward times. Trying to suppress... awkward moments. Each time I was the person who asked out the other, but they never worked out. Now I'm having a problem in university keeping a conversation with anyone, nobody seems to say anything interesting at all these days. That's not to say I don't have acquaintances, but far from anything resembling a date.

lilaznme423

03-01-2009, 09:24 PM

Oh right, I read a lot about small talks...but what do INTJ considered as "small talks???"...

I think maybe INTJ should really try to go for ESFJ because ESFJs can be intelligent enough and outspoken enough to keep up with INTJs (intellectually of course). I think most ESFJ would admire what most INTJ considered "boring" about themselves. I personally believe that a person should be interested in another person based on how they really are on the inside...I would not likely be speaking to a guy who looks "super hot" because most "super hot" guys are shallow and can't keep the conversation go on long enough; especially when it comes to topics like global warming, politics, stem cell research..any kind of research...they can however, go on and on about sports illustration.
I think people should look like they've at least "try" to look nice for a date (T-shirt and cargo shorts on first dates is a big no no) because their partner might have spent a lot of time preparing for that date. This is more of being considerate of your partner's feeling...imagine if your partner walked in to the date looking all glamorous and having you look like you just woke up...this might come off as "you don't care much about that date."

lilaznme423 added to this post, 6 minutes and 35 seconds later...

Awkward times... awkward times. Trying to suppress... awkward moments. Each time I was the person who asked out the other, but they never worked out. Now I'm having a problem in university keeping a conversation with anyone, nobody seems to say anything interesting at all these days. That's not to say I don't have acquaintances, but far from anything resembling a date.

What do you mean by awkward? Do you mean they seem like they don't have a clue of what you are talking about?...?
Also, what do you really talk about? What are you interested in? If you are interested in endocrine physiology...then talking to a person who is interested in finance my not be such a good idea...you know?^_^

Maayan

03-01-2009, 09:25 PM

I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date?

Let's look at my own courtship as an example. I was cleaning through my Flickr account this afternoon, and I found a funny screenshot from when I was flirting with my INTJ teaching assistant last year.

Background Info: I sent him this picture (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) of a t-shirt that my friend gave me for Christmas. The green heart is a thallus (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.), the reproductive life stage of a fern. It produces sperm in the hairy part and eggs in the groove, but promotes cross-fertilization by maturing the sperm and the eggs at different times. It's very romantic.

A Proud Moment (I wish I were kidding; I took the screenshot and emailed it to my ENFP friend to show off):

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

The Moral: Chatting online lets you skirt around social norms and break directly into the interesting conversations.

Storm

03-01-2009, 09:25 PM

Good luck finding INTJ men if you don't want the cargo shorts and t-shirt ;)

Really though, it depends on where you are going. BBQ joint? (which I have actually gone to on a date), I'm wearing a tank top and jeans. Fancy restuarant? (which I would not agree to for a first date anyway), I'll wear a nice dress.

Everyone goes for different types. All types can be intelligent, just like all types can be dumb.

Small talk is talk about little details such as: weather, what you had for breakfast, routine details of your day, errands you need to run, what you plan on doing for dinner, etc.

lilaznme423

03-01-2009, 09:33 PM

wow, thanks storm^_^ of course dress code is dependent upon the occasion but even dates to fishing trips people should look as nice as possible...ESFJ thinking I guess^_^...but of course heels and dresses for fishing trips may seem off somehow^_^

just so everyone knows I love t-shirts and cargos i think they are practical..just not impressive on a first date...I mean you are trying to get your first dates to be interested in you and have them give you attentions before you can start to "understand" them...^_^

Storm

03-01-2009, 09:39 PM

You are right, we need to look nice so that we physically demonstrate to the other party we care about the situtation and take it seriously. However, you're on a date, obviously you're interested in each other. It shouldn't take that long to from physical assessement to other things.

This is why I hate dates, I just want to talk to the person and get to know him. I don't want all these rules and expectations. I want to know what it's going to be like after the "honeymoon" period.

lilaznme423

03-01-2009, 09:52 PM

I completely understand where you are coming from!^_^ I think physical appearances is not all that either. but to me, taking time to look nice for the other person is saying, "hey, thank you for being interested" I think courtesy is most important in trying to show your appreciations for the other person...you know?
Anywho, I hate it when people try to "impress" me on first dates because they seem fake to me and it make me think that they are somewhat lying to me?...I hate it when people lie to me...sigh
Also, if you just want to talk to the person then maybe a phone call might work and if he is the type to want to "meet" then he of course he is clearly interested in you but keeping his interest is another thing... you try to be yourself in trying to keep his interest in you (as he is trying the same) through speech but what about body language and physical appearances? All this is not a part of putting on a show for the other person, it is simply perfecting yourself in a way that are presentable, you know? For example, everything you eat is basically comprise of the same material, carbohydrates, sugars, fats, and proteins but it is how they are put together that make you want to eat them...?^_^

Deliberator

03-01-2009, 11:10 PM

Back in the day it was next to impossible to get me to go out if it in any way seemed like a traditional date situation. I would talk to guys in less committed situations for a looooooong time before I would agree to meet them for a casual lunch or something. I needed to make sure they knew, so that they wouldn't try to kiss me or something, which would definitely have freaked me out big time. I wanted to assess them from a distance, without my hormones getting involved first and messing it all up.

When I first met my husband I was in a relationship with another guy so it was "safe" for me to go on dates with him because OBviously we weren't really dating we were just hanging out because it was summer and we were bored. Then one night we had a big knock-down drag-out fight where he basically argued his way into making me get real with him, and by the end of the week it was like we were attached at the hip. I can never do anything the normal way.

alphawolf

03-01-2009, 11:20 PM

WOW! I don't think most INTJ really approach dates that way...maybe you are special?

I'm not special, just horny.

One has to devise and execute a strategy in order to get one's needs met.

I have found that I have a much higher percentage of getting sex if I just tell women straight up front that I want sex (ask and ye shall receive). They seem to handle that much better than the R word.

lilaznme423

03-02-2009, 05:41 AM

I would talk to guys in less committed situations for a looooooong time before I would agree to meet them for a casual lunch or something. I needed to make sure they knew, so that they wouldn't try to kiss me or something, which would definitely have freaked me out big time.

I am pretty much the same!^_^ why do people think they can do such things on dates anyways? Also, talk on the phone for a long time with a guy doesn't mean that you are dating him does it?? LOL

punkyplatypus

03-02-2009, 07:18 AM

I don't really see it as dating, and this is probably because I don't really date around. I'm usually just hanging out with a friend who happens to be a girl. When it's just me and any girl I always pick up the tab; it's just how I was raised to treat girls as a single young man. Of course I don't let people take advantage of me in this regard nor do I insist on paying if the girl insists that she cover her own bill. In the end if things work out and there seems to be a mutual interest in being more than friends, then we'd take that next step and establish a romantic relationship. At this point, I would stop hanging out with & paying for other girls out of respect for my partner and to aviod any misunderstandings.

lilaznme423

03-02-2009, 02:16 PM

childofprodigy

03-02-2009, 02:38 PM

Sinequanon

03-02-2009, 03:43 PM

Oh and i see an ESFJ girl having a crush on an INTJ dude but can't figure out what the hell is going on in his mind so she goes to an INTJ forum seeking for enlightenment....

just a little hypothesis of mine
Not really all that uncommon. I'd say a ton of the "alternate" types around here came for that reason. I know my INFP sent me fleeing to an INFP board to try and understand her better...

Storm

03-02-2009, 05:34 PM

Besides, this is an amusing topic. Better than the "Help me figure out a person you have never met, nor will meet in your life" threads. (which ok, I still read those religiously)

punkyplatypus

03-03-2009, 11:32 AM

how would you know if the other person is interested in you as something more than just friends? do you based your conclusion on their gestures, body language, what they say...? or do you wait untill they come out with it and says they actually want to move closer?

Determining a girl's interest in me as more than friends comes from a variety of factors:

Is she single?
Is she looking for a relationship?
How close are we as friends (conversation topics, sense of humor, amount of time spent together, interests we share, etc)?
Does she talk to me about other guys she's interested in, and if so does it seem genuine or could she just be trying to make me jealous?
How comfortable is she with me physically (is personal space ignored; how much actual physical contact is made & where is it made; with greetings & farewells, is there a hug or a kiss on the cheek & does she do this with everyone; etc)?
Does she include me for important events (family get togethers or dinners, holidays, special outings that other friends aren't invited to, etc)?
Does she show that she cares (does she show up with chicken noodle soup when I'm sick; does she show concern when she can't get in contact with me; does she give her condolences during personal hardships; etc)?
Does she sacrifice (skips something she wants to do cause I can't go; does she do something she'd rather not do to make me happy; etc)?
Does she discuss with me topics that are more common among romantic partners than friends (discussion of sexual postions/experiences/fantasies, masturbation, birth control, etc)?
Does she seem like she's trying to impress me (with what she knows, with what she wears, etc)?
Does she make a point to compliment me, and if so is it often?
How does she act if I show interest in other girls (jealous, quiet, interested why I'm attracted to them, etc)?
Is she excited to introduce me to her friends & family?

It would definitely make things easier if the girl came out and stated her intentions, but it's not necessary and I don't expect her to do it. There are definietely many more factors not listed, and each is weighted in importance differently. Depending on their importance & frequency, I make a judgement on whether or not this girl is potentially attracted to me. During this process I'm also assessing my attraction to her. Once I've determined attraction I analyze overall compatibility and possibilities of success & failure (am I going to get bored of her soon; do our future plans seem to sync up; are her family/friends going to be an obstacle or are mine; etc) if we were to start a relationship.

When I'm confident with my findings & feel we could be together, I discuss with the girl her opinion and if my assumptions were correct or if I misread her. If she agrees that we could be a couple, for the next month or two I would try to subtly fill in any gaps of information I was unsure of to backup (does she want kids, how important is religion to her, how many previous relationships has she had, financially what is "comfortable" to her, what does she expect from the relationship, etc) my previous conclusion.

After these preliminary months, I either decide on putting all my effort into the relationship or breaking it off before things became more complicated.

cereza

03-03-2009, 12:39 PM

I don`t think the question should have been phrased this way. It isn`t whether INTJ`s as a whole date or not, but whether how each individual INTJ feels about dating, whether we see it (*individually*) as productive or interesting. We ARE people, you know.

To answer your question: Yes. Some of us date. Some people, period, prefer to date. Some people do not. Therefore, some (if not most) of us date, and some of us do not; depending on our individual circumstances.

cereza added to this post, 7 minutes and 19 seconds later...

Let's look at my own courtship as an example. I was cleaning through my Flickr account this afternoon, and I found a funny screenshot from when I was flirting with my INTJ teaching assistant last year.

Background Info: I sent him this picture (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) of a t-shirt that my friend gave me for Christmas. The green heart is a thallus (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.), the reproductive life stage of a fern. It produces sperm in the hairy part and eggs in the groove, but promotes cross-fertilization by maturing the sperm and the eggs at different times. It's very romantic.

A Proud Moment (I wish I were kidding; I took the screenshot and emailed it to my ENFP friend to show off):

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

The Moral: Chatting online lets you skirt around social norms and break directly into the interesting conversations.

He sounds hot. Ugh, I`m such a nerd.. and that tee shirt rocks socks.

lilaznme423

03-03-2009, 07:09 PM

I'd do anything for sex....even dating O.o :O

childofprodigy added to this post, 18 minutes and 30 seconds later...

Oh and i see an ESFJ girl having a crush on an INTJ dude but can't figure out what the hell is going on in his mind so she goes to an INTJ forum seeking for enlightenment....

just a little hypothesis of mine

LOL!!!^_^ i don't have a crush on any INTJ guy nor anyone else!...I am just simply looking for an INTJ mate! soOoOo yes! please do send me all of you applications!^_^ thank you^_^

lilaznme423 added to this post, 2 minutes and 0 seconds later...

Besides, this is an amusing topic. Better than the "Help me figure out a person you have never met, nor will meet in your life" threads. (which ok, I still read those religiously)

WOW!!^_^ thanks! This totally increased my self esteem by -100x!

Henry

03-04-2009, 08:41 AM

Determining a girl's interest in me as more than friends comes from a variety of factors:

Is she single?
Is she looking for a relationship?
How close are we as friends (conversation topics, sense of humor, amount of time spent together, interests we share, etc)?
Does she talk to me about other guys she's interested in, and if so does it seem genuine or could she just be trying to make me jealous?
How comfortable is she with me physically (is personal space ignored; how much actual physical contact is made & where is it made; with greetings & farewells, is there a hug or a kiss on the cheek & does she do this with everyone; etc)?
Does she include me for important events (family get togethers or dinners, holidays, special outings that other friends aren't invited to, etc)?
Does she show that she cares (does she show up with chicken noodle soup when I'm sick; does she show concern when she can't get in contact with me; does she give her condolences during personal hardships; etc)?
Does she sacrifice (skips something she wants to do cause I can't go; does she do something she'd rather not do to make me happy; etc)?
Does she discuss with me topics that are more common among romantic partners than friends (discussion of sexual postions/experiences/fantasies, masturbation, birth control, etc)?
Does she seem like she's trying to impress me (with what she knows, with what she wears, etc)?
Does she make a point to compliment me, and if so is it often?
How does she act if I show interest in other girls (jealous, quiet, interested why I'm attracted to them, etc)?
Is she excited to introduce me to her friends & family?

It would definitely make things easier if the girl came out and stated her intentions, but it's not necessary and I don't expect her to do it. There are definietely many more factors not listed, and each is weighted in importance differently. Depending on their importance & frequency, I make a judgement on whether or not this girl is potentially attracted to me. During this process I'm also assessing my attraction to her. Once I've determined attraction I analyze overall compatibility and possibilities of success & failure (am I going to get bored of her soon; do our future plans seem to sync up; are her family/friends going to be an obstacle or are mine; etc) if we were to start a relationship.

When I'm confident with my findings & feel we could be together, I discuss with the girl her opinion and if my assumptions were correct or if I misread her. If she agrees that we could be a couple, for the next month or two I would try to subtly fill in any gaps of information I was unsure of to backup (does she want kids, how important is religion to her, how many previous relationships has she had, financially what is "comfortable" to her, what does she expect from the relationship, etc) my previous conclusion.

After these preliminary months, I either decide on putting all my effort into the relationship or breaking it off before things became more complicated.

That test is far too complicated.

Attempt to make out with her. If she responds favorably, there's roughly a 90% chance she's interested in a relationship. If she responds negatively, then you're a bit embarassed but at least you don't have to waste months and write a doctoral thesis to determine where the relationship is going.

Rho1334

03-04-2009, 12:30 PM

alphawolf

03-04-2009, 12:56 PM

Dating...oo thats a hard one...since i'm overly shy i dont do it very much. I hate clubbing and large social gatherings. I find the most INTJs prefer casual conversation then dancing at a club anyway. I guess that explains why I don't date very much and why I don't get laid very much...oh well what can ya do.

What can you do? It was mentioned earlier that we simply do not read the signals very well most of the time and as such should just "go for it" without fear of rejection. As they get older, women are far easier to read because if they are spending time with you or smiling at you with a sparkle in their eye then it's pretty damned safe to assume that they are interested (although they may still claim otherwise). Her being interested is still not enough, though. You still have to do your part and make her feel good about giving herself to you...

Think of it like brute force cracking of encryption. You spend enough time and energy, try enough combinations, and you will eventually get in. The bonus is that you learn along the way about the positive signals that were being sent before you gained access, so over time you become sharper.

It becomes easier with age, if you make an effort and work at it.

Phyconaut

03-04-2009, 03:38 PM

Cyrus

03-04-2009, 05:25 PM

JustMel

03-04-2009, 05:31 PM

My husband and I lived together for 3 months before we had our first date. I looked at him in the concession line of the theatre and said "you do realize that we've lived together for 3 months and this is our first date" and the lady in line beside us busted out laughing and said that was a new one.

When I was single and dating I didn't do it often and when I did it was usually a meal, movie or somewhere to shoot pool. Walk along the park. Something casual. I had a friend with benefits for years that we went to concerts and comedy shows together and the person that bought the tickets the other bought dinner. We usually ended up in bed but never a relationship. If one of us was dating someone we found another escort. I don't consider time with him dating.

AbsoluteGenius

03-04-2009, 05:34 PM

I don't go on many dates, which is why I've just joined a dating site. I've written a profile and sent out lots of messages to different women, but I'm still waiting for a reply.

dalidaisy

03-04-2009, 06:11 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

I'm an INTJ & I date. It feels like I'm at an INTJ Daters Annonymous meeting...

I think about having fun when dating. I try not to concentrate too much on relationship issues. First I gotta see if we can spend a few hours together without needing to flee. I can figure out if the person is relationship material on consecutive dates, if they make it that far. Unfortunately for my dates, a person has to be at least as fun as me to keep my attention, most FAIL.

I usually don't choose what we do on the date, I leave that up to the person asking (which is never me). It's important to find out what kind of things they get into & how they act in their natural environment. I always make a point to have fun regardless of where the date takes us...

Before a date, I think about how much I'd really rather be doing something else, like crawling into a ball under my covers with a book & a flashlight. But, I understand that dating is necessity if I want sex, so I accept it & move on...

Then I think about how to look good without looking too good. I don't want him to be unimpressed, but by the same token, I don't want him unable to look away, as staring makes me REALLY uncomfortable...

Speaking of where to meet an INTJ to date, I met one right here, on this forum & I'm quite pleased. If you are interested in knowing more about it, LOOK HERE (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)...

I wish you luck finding what you are looking for!

quiet intensity

03-04-2009, 06:44 PM

As much as I like the idea of a less-committed situation freely leading to dating, most of my experiences have been an expressed interest of some sort, leading to one-on-one time. This doesn't mean that I want to strictly follow a traditional path of dating. Sure, I like planning something interesting to do, but that isn't strictly related to a first time date.

Right now, I'm not sure if there is a best way for me: general hanging out, being alone with that person, casual friend with something hovering overhead, labeling it something, or avoiding a label, etc. I think that trying to be mindful of that mutual connection will help both of us understand what feels right: as though there's a unique and 'better' way to interact with this person if I (we) can just figure that out.

And - first post for me - hi.

lilaznme423

03-04-2009, 09:43 PM

Firstly, I actually find the topic slightly insulting. Yes we're INTJ, but yes, we're human. We desire the other sex (and sex too! haha) and have certain emotional requirements/needs as well. Human. The questions makes it out that we're freaks. wtf.

ANYWAY. Addressing the fact that most INTJs are too unaware of emotional/social stuff.
It's really a matter of observing people and taking a genuine interest into why they tick.
Gather sufficient data, garner enough experience and you'll soon learn to read people easily and well.

Remember when you were first learning to write with a pen? Writing was hard and it looked like crap didn't it?
Well. So the same for social interaction.

If you're initally fearful, then spend watching and asking yourself questions.
Many a times we're too engross with what's in our heads to find time to focus on others. Probably why the "virgins" is in the INTJ slogan of materminds, villans, innovators...

I never meant to insult anyone, and if I did because of what i wrote, then I am very sorry. I am really interesting in knowing what INTJs are like in all situations including dating or not dating, their preferences and all that. If i could watch INTJ all day and take note of all their movements then i would but I am not very good at spotting INTJs.

lilaznme423 added to this post, 4 minutes and 23 seconds later...

As much as I like the idea of a less-committed situation freely leading to dating, most of my experiences have been an expressed interest of some sort, leading to one-on-one time. This doesn't mean that I want to strictly follow a traditional path of dating. Sure, I like planning something interesting to do, but that isn't strictly related to a first time date.

Right now, I'm not sure if there is a best way for me: general hanging out, being alone with that person, casual friend with something hovering overhead, labeling it something, or avoiding a label, etc. I think that trying to be mindful of that mutual connection will help both of us understand what feels right: as though there's a unique and 'better' way to interact with this person if I (we) can just figure that out.

And - first post for me - hi.

Thank you!^_^ I feel honored^_^ and WELCOME hope you have fun here^_^

dalidaisy

03-04-2009, 10:44 PM

alphawolf

03-04-2009, 11:13 PM

ok alpha honest question here

how do you get into a situation wear you can just go for it.

personally i have no idea what you are talking about.

i have never gone on anything resembling a date ever.

since i believe I'm not alone mind elaborating?

For example... You are at work/school/gym/etc and you see someone you are attracted to. Try to make eye contact, and SMILE. Do not look away, or down, look straight into the eyes and SMILE - do not look away. If the response is positive, do it again the next day. This is called flirting. If it's still positive, then make yourself a little bit closer to her. If she comes a little bit closer to you, then this is called reciprocity - figuratively speaking, dancing. If you go all the way to her, she will be turned off. You have to let her participate. When you get close enough, then just say SMILE and something to her that is relaxed and a little bit funny like "hi there!". Do not say something to make her self-conscious, like "you're so beautiful" - save that until you're on top of her in bed. If she SMILES and says "hi to you!", then just keep going back and forth. Be confident, SMILE, and show interest. Keep flirting, dancing, etc. Give and take, do not give, give, give. Let her play. If she cops an attitude, call her out on it, in a funny way. This will earn respect, or she's got men problems. If she comes back in line, then reward her, be nice again, flirt some more. Let her play, wait for reciprocity. Tease her about her past bad behaviour, in a light way when there is an opportunity, to let her know that you haven't forgotten it and that you won't tolerate it. It commands respect. Don't go too far with it, though.

After you've done this for 10-15 minutes, and can tell that she likes you, then say something like "I was thinking of going to get a coffee/tea, wanna come along?". If yes, then spend time asking about her interests, etc. Keep flirting now and then, and make positive comments to reinforce her insecurities if she shows them. For example, if she says "I have been at the gym for months but just can't seem to lose weight", she is ASKING you to TELL HER that she looks fine, great. Don't fuck it up, tell her and don't be general - "I THINK that you look good". Look right into her eyes and SMILE when saying it. Wait for her to look away before you look away. If she blushes, then by GOD she is attracted to you. Don't overdo it, give her time to compliment you. Remember, it's a dance. Don't hang around til the point of boredom, YOU terminate the meeting - say "Well, it's been really nice meeting you, but I've got to go now. Can I call you sometime?". If she wants you to, then she'll give you her number. If you've done well, she'll be thinking about you for the next few hours at least.

That's a start.

r415

03-05-2009, 03:23 AM

What do they think about before the date?

Logistics.

How to get her back to my house for some sex. Making sure the place is clean and all the creature comforts are in place, condoms available, etc...

The funny thing is, alphawolf's answer could also be considered "Logistics"... which is such a classic INTJ reaction. I love you guys.

One of the best relationships I ever had was with an INTJ.... lurking on your forum has been very helpful and enlightening, thanks for all the information.

Imposcillator

03-05-2009, 06:58 AM

The Moral: Chatting online lets you skirt around social norms and break directly into the interesting conversations.

QFT.

Part of the reason I don't think I'll ever be a part of the whole "dating" scene is the fact that it just takes too much time and effort to dig through the mind-numbing small-talk and awkwardness in order to truly get to know a person. It also doesn't help that most of the people I am potentially compatible with are not interested in these kinds of activities either.

I'm not interested in casual encounters either, so really the setting that would be ideal for me would be meeting someone who seems interesting in a larger social gathering, just retreating to a corner with them and getting to know all about them.

Just like Mayaan said, one can skip through social rituals and get straight to the interesting topics and important discussions but the problem with that is that people on the internet come from all over the world; location can be an issue. If you have already met them and think they're interesting, you might as well just go to a coffee shop for a nice, long talk, imo.

punkyplatypus

03-05-2009, 08:56 AM

That test is far too complicated.

Attempt to make out with her. If she responds favorably, there's roughly a 90% chance she's interested in a relationship. If she responds negatively, then you're a bit embarassed but at least you don't have to waste months and write a doctoral thesis to determine where the relationship is going.

That would be a more time efficient method, but I'm not in any rush. Also, not all of those listed need to be known for me to determine whether or not a girl is interested in me. They're just examples of what I'm looking for and what I account for as I make my decision. Depending on importance & frequency, I make my decision. If a girl gropes me everytime we hang out, I don't need to meet her parents or examine my conversations with her for a few more months to know she's into me. It's for the more shy girls who don't grope me & who might like me, but might be turned off if I try to make out with them too early that I have all those other factors to analyze.

Other than that, I enjoy the analysis & finding out who this person really is (to some extent at least). During this time I'm also trying to figure out if I'm really into this girl myself. When it comes down to it, I'd rather spend a few months getting to know a girl than spending a couple years in a relationship to realize I don't know her at all. I don't see it as wasted time.

Rho1334

03-05-2009, 11:24 AM

What can you do? It was mentioned earlier that we simply do not read the signals very well most of the time and as such should just "go for it" without fear of rejection. As they get older, women are far easier to read because if they are spending time with you or smiling at you with a sparkle in their eye then it's pretty damned safe to assume that they are interested (although they may still claim otherwise). Her being interested is still not enough, though. You still have to do your part and make her feel good about giving herself to you...

Think of it like brute force cracking of encryption. You spend enough time and energy, try enough combinations, and you will eventually get in. The bonus is that you learn along the way about the positive signals that were being sent before you gained access, so over time you become sharper.

It becomes easier with age, if you make an effort and work at it.

I know what i can do, but what i dodnt explain with my flipant answer was i am also recently divorced and really dont feel like it. I'll get on the horse sooner or later and try not to make the same mistakes i made before. But going on previous experience I tend to push people away and am not very attund to others feelings. Sorry for not explaing it in further detail

LaoTzu

03-06-2009, 07:07 AM

I know what i can do, but what i dodnt explain with my flipant answer was i am also recently divorced and really dont feel like it. I'll get on the horse sooner or later and try not to make the same mistakes i made before. But going on previous experience I tend to push people away and am not very attund to others feelings. Sorry for not explaing it in further detail

You don't need to explain further....we're INTJ's! ;)

I'm in the same boat as you. Its so bad, that while I thought I was into a casual thing.... I'm actually trying to convince someone new to NOT come over now... I have no idea what I want anymore.... it's not fun.

Dating to me seems a waste of time in some respects... I can get everything I need out of a simple phone conversation... and most conversation is only used for me to determine whether or not I would like to have sex with that woman. (It's not usually my foremost thought, but it is the only consistent one.)

I prefer the online method first/phone second.
If there is a physical meeting...it's going to be physical.

...sounds like an insight for me...

*off to ponder*

dalidaisy

03-06-2009, 07:58 AM

You don't need to explain further....we're INTJ's!
;)

I'm in the same boat as you. Its so bad, that while I thought I was into a casual thing.... I'm actually trying to convince someone new to NOT come over now... I have no idea what I want anymore.... it's not fun.

Dating to me seems a waste of time in some respects... I can get everything I need out of a simple phone conversation... and most conversation is only used for me to determine whether or not I would like to have sex with that woman. (It's not usually my foremost thought, but it is the only consistent one.)

I prefer the online method first/phone second.
If there is a physical meeting...it's going to be physical.

...sounds like an insight for me...

*off to ponder*

I feel exactly the same way, except I really have a hard time with phone converations.

I was out of the game so long that now that I'm single again, I have no idea what I want. I don't even know what's out there. I've become so accustomed to the way things have been in my life romantically, that I can't remember what it's like to get excited about a date.

Recently I have started on a new journey in this department. It is strange and interesting & nothing like I remember. There was no dating, thank God! It went right from online communication, to phone (which actually isnn't so bad) & video conversation, to physcially meeting.

Oh, and this: "If there is a physical meeting...it's going to be physical." - definitely!

Rho1334

03-06-2009, 11:16 AM

dalidaisy

03-06-2009, 11:37 AM

I know what you mean dalidaisy. Since I am now single and out in the field, i releived I really don't know what I want anymore. None of it really appelas to me anymore. Its hard for me to get excited about anything anymore. manybe its becuase of how my marriage ended but im just offering an observation here.

It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth (I'm sure this will wind up in the "that's what she said" thread) when you go through something where you wind up miserable & depressed. Who wants to do that again? How do you know the next relationship will be any better?

Then, there's the whole thing where you've learned so much about what you DON'T want that you set expectations that no one is really capable of living up to. It's not that I want perfection, I just want balance. Someone who balances with me. I don't want the scale weighted more on either side.

When evaluating someone for whether they could possibly be considered as a future mate, I've found that I notice little details more. I pay close attention to their words & their actions. I scrutinize. And, I do not show any emotion. I can't help it. Maybe it takes going through something I miserable as I did to get to this point, as I wasn't always this way. It makes it hard to relax, have fun & see where things might go. I'm sure in their eyes it makes me seem like a cold bitch.

Fortunately, other INTJs can understand this, or so it would seem...

ntwady

03-06-2009, 03:10 PM

JustMel

03-07-2009, 12:08 AM

Dating seems absurd to me. I will not go on a "date", if she calls it that.

I can, however, hang out with a female and appreciate her company, as long as those romantic pretenses involved in "dating" aren't being inferred.

At no point does my strategy involve meeting random people to see if we "hit it off".

You can have a date that isn't about romantic pretenses. I dated a lot of people where we went to dinner and entertainment even sex at times and there was no "romantic pretenses". Your issue with the word is just that---your issue.

The more I read your posts the more I want to see you in 10 years after the real world gets its hands on you.

ntwady

03-07-2009, 12:52 AM

You can have a date that isn't about romantic pretenses. I dated a lot of people where we went to dinner and entertainment even sex at times and there was no "romantic pretenses". Your issue with the word is just that---your issue.

The more I read your posts the more I want to see you in 10 years after the real world gets its hands on you.

I can tell that I am a thorn in your side. I think it chaps your ass a bit to see such a young'un on a fervent, hell-bent path of confusion and turmoil.

What would you say to me if I were to actually listen and take heed? What am I doing that is so horribly wrong and misguided?

JustMel

03-07-2009, 01:45 AM

I can tell that I am a thorn in your side. I think it chaps your ass a bit to see such a young'un on a fervent, hell-bent path of confusion and turmoil.

What would you say to me if I were to actually listen and take heed? What am I doing that is so horribly wrong and misguided?

I wouldn't say wrong but more misguided. You are not a thorn in my side nor do you chap my ass..:rolleyes: I do think that a lot of what you say is intended solely to annoy some and not in the interest of obtaining information to better yourself or even a section of yourself.

The only advice I ever give to anyone is it takes too much energy to hate someone so either get even or let it go but don't waste the energy it takes to hate them when there are so many other things you could be doing.

Telling you to stop trying to annoy the world, shut up and listen to what people who have been down that misguided road would be a waste of time because you're not going to heed anyone's advice at this stage of your life.

You haven't met reality yet. Reality is not peaceful nor nice. Just when you think things are going well our good friend reality walks up and knocks us on our proverbial ass. Life is the journey and the experience. Death is everyone's final destination so you have to make the most of the journey and experience. It doesn't matter where you start, we all end up dead so you live and make the best of the time you do have. Sometimes the question is its own answer.

You kind of remind me of myself in my late teens.

Rho1334

03-07-2009, 07:44 AM

It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth (I'm sure this will wind up in the "that's what she said" thread) when you go through something where you wind up miserable & depressed. Who wants to do that again? How do you know the next relationship will be any better?

Then, there's the whole thing where you've learned so much about what you DON'T want that you set expectations that no one is really capable of living up to. It's not that I want perfection, I just want balance. Someone who balances with me. I don't want the scale weighted more on either side.

When evaluating someone for whether they could possibly be considered as a future mate, I've found that I notice little details more. I pay close attention to their words & their actions. I scrutinize. And, I do not show any emotion. I can't help it. Maybe it takes going through something I miserable as I did to get to this point, as I wasn't always this way. It makes it hard to relax, have fun & see where things might go. I'm sure in their eyes it makes me seem like a cold bitch.

Fortunately, other INTJs can understand this, or so it would seem...

its more of the exceptation thing i think. really don't want to set any so i dont feel failed. But on the other hand, i know if I dont set any standards or exceptation ill be disappointed because the relationship balance will not be even and i will be carrying the mental wieght for both of us. Balance sounds good but getting from point a to point b seems like a frivilous excerise.

I do the evaluation thing too know after my divorce. I scrutinize big time...I think partly its my INYJ nature, partly my fragile heart. Personally i dont see you as a cold bitch, but a very analytical person who has been hurt and doing everything in her power to make sure that never happens again.

Prunesquallor

03-07-2009, 07:50 AM

Liquid

03-07-2009, 06:45 PM

What do you mean by awkward? Do you mean they seem like they don't have a clue of what you are talking about?...?
Also, what do you really talk about? What are you interested in? If you are interested in endocrine physiology...then talking to a person who is interested in finance my not be such a good idea...you know?^_^
Often, it's just I don't know what to say. I only speak when I need to really, so I'll try to talk about what they would talk about. Such as, how are the classes, etc what did you do on the weekend. It's very difficult!

LaoTzu

03-07-2009, 07:02 PM

JustMel

03-07-2009, 07:18 PM

I'm a bit afraid of dating, because I know where my mind will eventually lead me...
I'll date a lot, I'll be picky as hell. I'll start questioning why it isn't working, and then want something to work bad enough to allow someone who isn't a good match get inside my world. I'll try for a few years to figure out them, myself, and the universe...ultimately to lead to discord in all aspects of my life.
I'm too compassionate, and it's easy for the wrong person to just 'hang around'

I just don't have that kind of time to waste anymore :/

It doesn't have to be that way. I always thought it was my job to fix the bad ones.. UGH. I finally decided I didn't mind being alone and surprise that's when I found the right one.

My husband and I joke about what we'd do if it didn't last and we've both decided that it's just too much trouble to train someone new at this point. ;)

BostonIan

03-07-2009, 08:33 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

Not a ton of experience, but, for what it's worth: My first personality profile mentioned something about INTJ's tendency to "simulate surface conformity", and that pretty much hits the nail on the head for me. I look normal, dress normal, do normal things, make small talk, laugh and flirt, my body and mouth are pretty much on autopilot.

The real action is going on in my head, where my mind's overseeing everything, observing her actions and facial expressions, applying mnemonics to the names she mentions, taking mental notes and self-corrections, learning about the process in general. What I remind myself of is the "always drink to world peace, no white chocolate" (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) scene in Groundhog's Day. Maybe just because I'm still in the learning phase, though.

Overall, it's not that uncomfortable. The only thing that bothers me is when my mouth doesn't move as nimbly as my brain, or when I'm asked a direct question where I know the honest answer will reveal me as a normalcy-impostor. Simple questions usually don't have simple answers, so when she gets past talking about herself and starts asking about me, one question can often lead to the next, and the next, next - like being in an interrogation room.

The process has been very pleasant on one level, but also more strategic and purpose-driven than most people probably think it should be.

JustMel

03-07-2009, 11:37 PM

I look normal, dress normal, do normal things, make small talk, laugh and flirt, my body and mouth are pretty much on autopilot.

that would depend on one's perception of normal.

PeterIMC

03-07-2009, 11:44 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

I'm married now so I don't date. But in the "old" days I didn't date much either. I was always the kind of guy that thought: If you like me, come to me, don't expect me to come to you. Now I realize that I like being with extroverted (MBTI kind) of people more than being with Introverted people.

I think I always liked it better when I wasn't the one taking the lead in a conversation. But that's mostly because the subjects I like, most often weren't of much interest to others.

The funny thing is though, if the girl really was in love with me, it didn't really matter what I talked about of course. But that's something I didn't realize in those days.

dalidaisy

03-08-2009, 12:27 AM

Now I realize that I like being with extroverted (MBTI kind) of people more than being with Introverted people.

I think I always liked it better when I wasn't the one taking the lead in a conversation. But that's mostly because the subjects I like, most often weren't of much interest to others.

The funny thing is though, if the girl really was in love with me, it didn't really matter what I talked about of course. But that's something I didn't realize in those days.

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer introverts. Extroverts go on & on excessively & I tire of them quickly. With introverts, we only say what we need to, then can be comfortable with silence. Those extroverts, especially the feely types, have a need to fill in any gaps in conversation. Plus, most introverts tend to actually listen to what you are saying, instead of waiting for their turn to talk. They are easier for me to communicate with. Am I alone in this?

alphawolf

03-08-2009, 04:50 AM

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer introverts. Extroverts go on & on excessively & I tire of them quickly. With introverts, we only say what we need to, then can be comfortable with silence. Those extroverts, especially the feely types, have a need to fill in any gaps in conversation. Plus, most introverts tend to actually listen to what you are saying, instead of waiting for their turn to talk. They are easier for me to communicate with. Am I alone in this?

My gf talks me up the wall and I love it, because she is funny as hell. It works well because I don't need to spend heavy mental energy with her; I can relax and have fun. A lot of fun.

But if I do have something important to say now and then, she will stop and listen. And it's not long before we are having fun and laughing again.

If I get tired of listening to her talk, then I just take control and change everything to physical. She likes that, too.

Feral

03-08-2009, 07:06 AM

... I don't know that I've ever been on a date.

There was one instance that we both agreed had been a date well after it had happened, but it had not been a date when we originally went there.

There was a guy a couple months ago who kept trying get into my skivvies, and I had made it apparent that I wasn't interested in him for anything more than a friend, but we'd still go to movies and eat and whatnot.

I don't know if he considered those dates. He probably did.
I did not.

clam

03-08-2009, 08:52 AM

^ sigh.... let that be a lesson for all males.. why would you go if you weren't interested and knew his intentions?

Feral

03-08-2009, 09:17 AM

^ sigh.... let that be a lesson for all males.. why would you go if you weren't interested and knew his intentions?

He knew my intentions fully.
They were made very, very clear, every time.
He still wanted to go.

Rho1334

03-08-2009, 11:15 AM

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer introverts. Extroverts go on & on excessively & I tire of them quickly. With introverts, we only say what we need to, then can be comfortable with silence. Those extroverts, especially the feely types, have a need to fill in any gaps in conversation. Plus, most introverts tend to actually listen to what you are saying, instead of waiting for their turn to talk. They are easier for me to communicate with. Am I alone in this?

No you are no alone...I very much prefer introverts Introvert can entertain themsleves and dont require your constant attention. And trust me, I'm way to unfocused to focus on something for more than a hour, unless off course its a good book or an awesome stratagy game. Sometimes I go whole days with talking to a soul and I quite enjoy it that way. So in short no you are in good company.

PeterIMC

03-08-2009, 11:55 AM

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer introverts. Extroverts go on & on excessively & I tire of them quickly. With introverts, we only say what we need to, then can be comfortable with silence. Those extroverts, especially the feely types, have a need to fill in any gaps in conversation. Plus, most introverts tend to actually listen to what you are saying, instead of waiting for their turn to talk. They are easier for me to communicate with. Am I alone in this?

I guess you´re talking more about social situations. Most of my interaction with people are related to work. Working with extroverts is definitely easier.

Social interactions I don't like much, especially if there's a lot of "new people" involved. That's very demanding. In that case it is easier to deal with introverts.

dalidaisy

03-08-2009, 12:02 PM

I guess you´re talking more about social situations. Most of my interaction with people are related to work. Working with extroverts is definitely easier.

Social interactions I don't like much, especially if there's a lot of "new people" involved. That's very demanding. In that case it is easier to deal with introverts.

Yes, social situations are very hard for me, but I'm talking about a needy partner really. Living with an ESFP just about killed me (well, it sucked my will to live, anyway). I think we all differ in our perferences on this, as many of you have stated that you like the outgoing type. I've had too much experience with extroverts & feelers & feel we just aren't compatible.

PeterIMC

03-09-2009, 09:51 PM

Yes, social situations are very hard for me, but I'm talking about a needy partner really. Living with an ESFP just about killed me (well, it sucked my will to live, anyway). I think we all differ in our perferences on this, as many of you have stated that you like the outgoing type. I've had too much experience with extroverts & feelers & feel we just aren't compatible.

My wife is an ENTJ, she's extroverted but still a rational... :) I don't think I could deal with an FP in a close relationship. These people are way too indecisive and worry about things that are completely irrelevant. That's my general impression I have to say, I don't have much experience with them.

2obvious

04-06-2009, 07:10 PM

We ARE people, you know. ... Yes. Some of us date. Some people, period, prefer to date. Some people do not. Therefore, some (if not most) of us date, and some of us do not; depending on our individual circumstances.
This point has long since been cleared up. But I did want to stress that lilaznme423's insinuations are warranted. Our personality type has a notorious reputation for antisocial behavior. Individual circumstances withstanding, even the "daters" on this thread cop to the challenge of it all. That's not "average," cereza.
I usually don't choose what we do on the date, I leave that up to the person asking (which is never me).
How convenient. That's my job, even when I'm not the one doing the asking. (This, and seven more years of life...?)
You are right, we need to look nice so that we physically demonstrate to the other party we care about the situtation and take it seriously. However, you're on a date, obviously you're interested in each other. It shouldn't take that long to from physical assessement to other things.

This is why I hate dates, I just want to talk to the person and get to know him. I don't want all these rules and expectations. I want to know what it's going to be like after the "honeymoon" period.
For me, "looking nice" is part of an overarching social philosophy. The specifics are boring...in short: I'm not "acting out," so I don't need a mohawk to advertise that I'm special, and I don't dress like every day is casual Friday.

I inadvertently look the part for any given date, without the baggage of ritualistic undertones.
I completely understand where you are coming from!^_^ I think physical appearances is not all that either. but to me, taking time to look nice for the other person is saying, "hey, thank you for being interested" I think courtesy is most important in trying to show your appreciations for the other person...you know?
Anywho, I hate it when people try to "impress" me on first dates because they seem fake to me and it make me think that they are somewhat lying to me?...I hate it when people lie to me...sigh

(My...how does one draw the line between "looking nice" and "trying to impress?")

I instead avoid all such snafus with this philosophy of mine. What you see is what you get, always. No honeymoon period. (That's right: I'm this mundane in real life.)

(...this is going to take more than one post...)

wolf

04-06-2009, 07:22 PM

Good luck finding INTJ men if you don't want the cargo shorts and t-shirt ;)
:huh: When I dress down people think I'm dressing up. I just can't win...

I don't even own a t-shirt, let alone cargo shorts.

NoStoneUnturned

04-06-2009, 07:34 PM

:huh: When I dress down people think I'm dressing up. I just can't win...

I don't even own a t-shirt, let alone cargo shorts.

really what do you wear? i want to steal your fashion style.

Storm

04-06-2009, 07:41 PM

:huh: When I dress down people think I'm dressing up. I just can't win...

I don't even own a t-shirt, let alone cargo shorts.

really what do you wear? i want to steal your fashion style.

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

2obvious

04-06-2009, 08:40 PM

Back in the day it was next to impossible to get me to go out if it in any way seemed like a traditional date situation. I would talk to guys in less committed situations for a looooooong time before I would agree to meet them for a casual lunch or something. ... When I first met my husband I was in a relationship with another guy so it was "safe" for me to go on dates with him because OBviously we weren't really dating we were just hanging out because it was summer and we were bored.
You...DO realize the confusing signals you're giving off with this post? It unwittingly justifies the seemingly misogynistic meanderings of this next fellow...
Her being interested is still not enough, though. You still have to do your part and make her feel good about giving herself to you...

Think of it like brute force cracking of encryption. You spend enough time and energy, try enough combinations, and you will eventually get in. The bonus is that you learn along the way about the positive signals that were being sent before you gained access, so over time you become sharper.

It becomes easier with age, if you make an effort and work at it.
My ultimate problem with this scenario is the part where it's my job to make someone else feel good. I can genuinely display an interest, when interested. But I'm not offering up emotional support unless we're close.

I recognize alphawolf's talking about flirting and sex. But presuming one's goal is more than that (even if "more" is just...well, frequent sex) I'd have a bear of a time respecting any woman who needed this kind of coddling.

I'm carrying on a cogent, reciprocal conversation with you...but I'm not making you feel "special" enough? Seriously?
As much as I like the idea of a less-committed situation freely leading to dating...
...I'm a little too hardcore for this. My interpersonal relationships are quite binary. I don't have casual friends. I don't "hang." Like the rest of you guys here, I like to sit around and think really heavily. I do other things (also in a very somber fashion) but they're fairly utilitarian, and my feelings about them are equally dispassionate. So, much like quiet intensity, the odds of stumbling into love are nil.

(Just one more, after this...)

2obvious added to this post, 50 minutes and 38 seconds later...

A lot of men seem to appreciate, I don't know, my INTJness. It's something different, at least.
Oh, pshaw! I saw some thread floating around about how undesirable you INTJ ladies are? But clearly you're not giving yourselves enough credit.

I'll admit: I was initially repelled. But that turned out to mostly be self loathing. (Last thing I need is another me, right?)

Yeah: I'm over it now. (How can...something so cold make me feel so warm?)

Male, female: do the masses really know what they're missing?
Whether or not I've actually been on a "real date" is debatable.
How can you not find a mind like this beautiful?

Or, better yet:
What do they do on a date?
Discuss.
What do they think about before the date?
Logistics.
The world's loss...

rara avis

04-07-2009, 11:54 AM

Yeah: I'm over it now. (How can...something so cold make me feel so warm?)

Male, female: do the masses really know what they're missing?

lol

Yes, I suppose they do, to some extent. It's just that some people truly prefer to miss it. And that's often wise on their part. There are many people to whom I could just naturally, truly do injury just by relaxing and being myself, and they're right to be put off. They don't belong with me.

The trick is that the kinder gentlemen I've briefly dated who found me a relief; who really, really liked me; who were entertaining visions of taking me home to Mother and setting up housekeeping with such an unusual and rational-minded female, didn't realize how gentle I was being with them. Not faking anything, but holding some back for their own good. Because whatever else I am, I do try to be kind... It's an exhausting production, getting in and out of those situations delicately.

Part of the dating process for me is about sussing out how much a man can take. The ones who can take much at all in an acceptable manner are very, very rare. And the ones who can do that AND give back something I need or want? Rarer.

dalidaisy

04-07-2009, 12:14 PM

The trick is that the kinder gentlemen I've briefly dated who found me a relief; who really, really liked me; who were entertaining visions of taking me home to Mother and setting up housekeeping with such an unusual and rational-minded female, didn't realize how gentle I was being with them. Not faking anything, but holding some back for their own good. Because whatever else I am, I do try to be kind... It's an exhausting production, getting in and out of those situations delicately.

Holding back for their own good? Yea, seems like a good idea at first. Then you get stuck. I wish I was as cold-hearted as I seem. I, too, am a kind soul. And, I wind up in this ultimately meaningless (to me) relationships because I'm too afraid to take off the mask & send them running for their mommies.

It's hard when you are put on a pedestal by these guys. You know that you don't really belong there, but it's a nice place to be.

Kellie

04-07-2009, 12:23 PM

Holding back for their own good? Yea, seems like a good idea at first. Then you get stuck. I wish I was as cold-hearted as I seem. I, too, am a kind soul. And, I wind up in this ultimately meaningless (to me) relationships because I'm too afraid to take off the mask & send them running for their mommies.

It's hard when you are put on a pedestal by these guys. You know that you don't really belong there, but it's a nice place to be.

And they never believe you when you when you try and explain how you really are! :devilish:

demaugustus

04-07-2009, 12:30 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

I don't have problems getting dates. I have had problems with the games women try and put me through during the dating process. Some women I've met are manipulative bitches, some try to do too much to impress me, and others want to try and keep me as a "good friend" even though there is clear sexual chemistry - I've dumped all these types of women in the end. When I first entered the dating scene five years ago I was used and abused by controlling women. At first I hated the game of dating because I was the one being played, but as I've learned more about women I'm starting to become the player, and it feels good.

And when I say player, I mean that it's becoming easier for me to distinguish between the manipulative women and the women who are actually decent people through their actions.

soanyway

04-07-2009, 01:06 PM

:huh: When I dress down people think I'm dressing up. I just can't win...

I don't even own a t-shirt, let alone cargo shorts.

:laugh:Oh, this is funny stuff! I'm sorry I can't help it! I am laughing so hard right now! You guys are the best!

The thought of t-shirts and cargo pants give me very bad flashbacks!:yuck:

cmrain

04-26-2009, 07:02 PM

Honestly, if I am going to get out and do something social, it might as well be with a really hot girl. I am looking for good physical chemistry and intellectual compatibility. I have no game. Nada. Other options for spending time with strikingly hot women aren't that appealing to me.

Going on dates is expressing direct interest. That is appealing to an INTJ. Before I ever meet a girl, she has to put some cards on the table. I know she is attracted to me and interested or she wouldn't be sitting across from me. If we aren't all over each other in one way or another, we won't keep going out. It is simple and effective. Very appealing. The more I date, the more it is obvious to me who I match well with. It cuts down on the guesswork.

Inky

04-27-2009, 11:06 AM

I rarely dated for years, and then I discovered the online stuff and it changed everything. I think the fact that I know everyone else on there is also looking to meet someone made a difference but most importantly it was easy to get a lot of dating experience in a short amount of time.
I didn't know dressing up was a common issue (fault?) of the INTJ. I for one am guilty of making sure I wear my nicest t-shirt and newest cargo shorts on a first date (if I'm really into the girl I might leave the flip flops and actually wear shoes).

lilaznme423

07-01-2009, 11:44 PM

Hello ALL! Sorry I've been gone for so long, I was over my head with work...and could only dream of this forum...sigh
I think T-shirts and Cargo shorts are practical, I'd rather this^_^

"dress to impress" I believe is for when you really know the person you are seeing so that you would dress according to their taste? and not dress just so it shows that you've put effort into it...you know?
But anywho, ESFJ will not mind giving you advice on what to wear to see them...I know it sounds weird huh? but..it's..TRUE! so yes, please just ask.
So I am having a hard time trying to start a conversation with any INTJ's because...I am afraid I might come off as being way too shallow for INTJs...advice please?

blatant

07-02-2009, 12:28 AM

I personally don't date. IRL, I take care of myself so I am at least clean. But otherwise I have no vested interest in looking attractive unless it's some cumbersome social situation like interviews or parties.

Arex

07-02-2009, 07:36 AM

I haven't been on an official, traditional date in probably over a year. (By official, I mean we're both aware that it's a date, and by traditional, I mean he picks me up at my place, we have dinner and enjoy some other activity, we have intelligent conversation, etc.). I think if I put an effort into dating and lowered my standards tremendously, I wouldn't have any trouble at least getting a first date with several different people. However, I don't care enough about dating or being in a relationship to bother. I'm not going to date someone if there's no possibility of me committing to them later on. And, being a college student, I seem to want more out of a relationship than most guys my age. (Not to mention, most guys my age that I've come in contact with are morons). I also would rather focus on getting my degree than getting into bed with someone.

I just hate putting myself through awkward social situations if I'm not going to benefit from it later. I hate wasting my time, and in the past I've found that that is what most of these 'dating' relationships lead to...me reminiscing on time that would have been better spent alone. :)

themuzicman

07-02-2009, 08:01 AM

Good luck finding INTJ men if you don't want the cargo shorts and t-shirt ;)

Doh! You got me....

(I take my wife out on a date whenever I can. She likes alcohol, I think she's easier after she's had a couple of drinks.)

Chain

07-02-2009, 10:44 AM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

Women tend to not want to be your toy for the evening if you don't pay them at least once: Either straight out or with dinner. I can't figure out why.

"She's hot. What is she doing? Why is she doing that? Is she really this nice? What's an act and what's real? Does she realize she just bent forward and plopped her nice rack on the table? Crap, I just got busted staring at the cleavage... You know, it wouldn't take much to get her naked... Damnit, manipulation goes against the rules... I'm hungry."

Activity: Coffee. If it progresses, it progresses. If not, then it doesn't.

In addition to the above, unless the evil NF asks a question that gets me off on a tangent I usually just sit, watch and listen. I size them up and start checking off the traits that I'm looking for.

Before the date? "How's this going to end? Do I really want to do this? Should I jack off first? Shit, I'm running late. Fuck it, I need to go."

I wear: Jeans, t-shirt, wife beater or polo, and steel toes. All black. Same thing I wear every day.

Good luck finding INTJ men if you don't want the cargo shorts and t-shirt ;)

Really though, it depends on where you are going. BBQ joint? (which I have actually gone to on a date), I'm wearing a tank top and jeans. Fancy restuarant? (which I would not agree to for a first date anyway), I'll wear a nice dress.

Everyone goes for different types. All types can be intelligent, just like all types can be dumb.

Small talk is talk about little details such as: weather, what you had for breakfast, routine details of your day, errands you need to run, what you plan on doing for dinner, etc.

Shorts don't go well with steel toes.

Include: I don't care what your friend that I've never met said to your other friend that I've never met about a bar that I've never been to.

liquidzilla

07-02-2009, 01:44 PM

I don't like dating at all, Ive been on a couple and never felt comfortable enough to talk very much. I never dress up, I wear my normal clothes.

Baccara

07-02-2009, 03:13 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date?

Rarely, in my case. To me, the whole social construct of "dating" is is awkward, because it puts two people together like opposing magnets: maybe attracted to one another, but in such a contrived and self-conscious scenario that they can't really "meet" well. I'd much rather have a good, accidental friendship gradually develop into something more.

I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date?

Usually nothing except the ordinary, like dinner, a movie, an outing somewhere, along those lines. Another reason dating doesn't really appeal to me as such. As far as thinking, I grew up learning to see only people's faults (long, sad story), so as I get older, I try to think about what I like about the other person, what appeals to me, what common ground we might have. Unfortunately, even when we have fun and I like the other as a person, there's not really any attraction on my part because he too is usually ordinary, and I crave imagination and intellectual stimulation.

What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

Mostly I think about what I'll wear and how to get to wherever we're meeting. I do try to look my best, too. Well-fitted and coordinated, even when casual. I never try for "sexy," as that's never my intention. In fact, I'm not even sure I could pull that off...

I was under the impression that INTJs don't date; that they just build their mates out of spare cogs and sprockets or grow them in test tubes.

Wow; does that work? I'm more of a gardener myself...

JimTaylor

07-02-2009, 03:39 PM

Is it true or is it a myth that INTJ's date? I realized that they do date, but what do they think about when they date? What do they do on a date? What do they think about before the date? Do they even care to look a certain way?

Personally I hate dating just because I am shy, and very afraid of rejection so most of my thoughts are "Just don't F up, just don't F up." Being 19 though I havn't had much experience dating and the time's I have, it's not been very fun.

On the other hand from what I have read I don't have the same problem others have with dressing up or maybe I do have a problem. Can't tell at the moment. I just can't stand to even leave the house without looking semi-decent. I will wear cargo shorts and t-shirt, but at the same time the shorts will be clean, no wrinkles, and the shirt will be nicer, not grungy and I always style my hair, and I only wear those things in the summer. If I am going to dinner with somebody at a semi-nice restaurant even it is just a friend I might wear a nice designer t-shirt and a sport coat or a more casual looking dress shirt. I don't know maybe its just me, but I can't stand the grungy I don't care look.

FlapperDaisy

07-02-2009, 04:21 PM

The idea of dating appeals to me but that's where it stops. One time I got real close but I freaked out because the guy couldn't hold a meaningful conversation with me. I don't appreciate meaningless chatter or as I say "talking for the sake of talking." Another time I met a guy who could challenge my views which got us debating issues for hours. That was perfect. My perfect idea of a date. Only, he had one major downfall (he was a supertime flirt and player) which made me push him away. Basically, no male that I've met has fulfilled my criteria so dating doesn't seem interesting. I wouldn't even know what to do. I'm happy with how I am right now.

dontlookback

07-02-2009, 04:30 PM

I guess it's a good thing I don't mind cargo shorts & a t-shirt? :p :flirt:

Anyways,dating is awkward. But it's not like INTJ's are some rare breed of human that are entirely unattractive and dorky (all the time) :nerd: ;)

Basically everything I think about the subject has already been said. So yep. :thinking:

pip

07-03-2009, 01:52 AM

'Dated' once ever. And it was one of the most horrid and awkward experiences I've ever been subjected to.
Not keen at all on going over that fence again, but the grass over there looks so very green... :(

rahdam

07-03-2009, 02:18 AM

I've had some great dates, but I haven't dated in a while.
I prefer to kick it, to be honest...dates can be very artificial.

curiousgeorge01

07-03-2009, 04:52 AM

bil

07-03-2009, 10:32 AM

I'm reading these posts because, I'm back in to dating business, or whatever you want to call it. How else can you get to know a stranger than to set up a date? I've got one in the works right now, a first date with someone I've only seen in an online photo, exchanged very short emails, and talked with once on the phone. That talk resulted in her asking a lot of questions about me, mostly about how I think, which I love to answer, and very little about her. I knew at the time that I wasn't taking the opportunity to find out more about her but I let her "drive." Because I'm visiting the area (I lived here for many years but have been away for a long time), I've asked her to make the arrangements for the "date." I'm a bit ambivalent about my first impressions of her. I just don't know enough. This is very close to blind dating. I may be turned off at first sight (see may have a big butt or something). I may find out she's some new age wacko type. Or not. I like the mystery of the situation but I'm trying not to expect too much.

The bigger picture: I've spent the past 40 years living with women (mostly one at a time). Breaks in between have been short. Dating periods have been pretty short. If we don't hit it off pretty quickly, I move on. On the down side, I probably have chosen mates too quickly and suffered the consequences. My longest dedicated (i.e., didn't cheat) relationship was 8 years.

That's either not much or too much information but I welcome all comments, criticisms, suggestions. You can't really beat up someone who's already knocked out!