gma4567
02-24-2009, 09:11 PM
I was recently in a relationship with a very introverted girl (she would not discuss her feelings with me, and claimed that she didn't have feelings or opinions about what I was doing/how the relationship was going) and this naturally led to a lot of confusion: me being an extrovert, I was looking for some sort of input from her as to how things were going from her perspective as opposed to just thinking about myself. <--This is a big issue for extroverts, and I would say especially ENTPs in particular: we are aware that we can be selfish at times, and so our extroverted need to interact with others comes through as a desire for input from other people (in this case in a relationship, but it can be the same with friendships as well) to make sure we aren't being totally selfish and ignoring them, as we are apt to doing this and want to avoid it if possible.
Anyway, my concern started growing when she began to act withdrawn and depressed around me. It wasn't just the normal "I'm a shy person and would rather go read a book" type of stuff, it would be sitting-in-the-corner-teary-eyed-staring-intensely-at-the-floor type of stuff. When I tried to talk to her/get her to tell me what was going on, she would insist it was nothing and I got the impression that she just wanted me to leave her alone.
I got more and more concerned about this as the relationship went on. When we were alone together she seemed amicable, but when we were at school and around others, she would either be interacting with them happily and IGNORING me, or she would be sitting in the corner, almost literally crying for attention, but then pushing me away as soon as I tried to give it to her.
As an ENTP, I found this baffling, and talked to some professionals about it because I was concerned there might be a component that goes beyond just the norm, and she might actually have some sort of depression or something like that (she satisfied several criteria; odd sleeping hours, > 16 hrs in a row if possible, odd eating habits, indecisive, etc) and I am still convinced that she may have a mild or moderate form of depression that has somehow gone undiagnosed.
One day I confronted her about this, but our conversation was interrupted before I could fully articulate my side of things, and as an ENTP this is something I absolutely hate because we value others' impressions of what we say as well as how we present our statements/arguments. Later I found out that she left under the impression that I broke up with her. Not true in the slightest, and I told her as much.
She then told me "I'm gonna go with 'you broke up with me' because that's what I thought happened..."
This was baffling to me of course, as I was under the impression she wanted to be in the relationship, and given an opportunity to keep it going, why would she refuse?
However, there is another component at work...
My best friend had liked this girl for several years, and being an introvert, never did anything. He asked her out once, but he was so nervous (and she was) that it didn't really seem serious and he only did it because everyone put him up to it. She said no, and ever since then I guess he was just afraid to do it. So three ish years go by, and he still hasn't done anything. He followed her around, did activities just because she did them etc. He, unknowingly, had relegated himself to the 'friend zone' and was acting the part of 'best friend' to this girl, and she saw him now as a friend and not a romantic partner, whereas he was still pursuing a relationship.
Anyway, long story (and I mean really long story) short, I started to like her, and seeing that he wasn't doing anything I asked her out, hoping that he would eventually realize that he had wasted his time as well as everyone else's/hers and that eventually he would get over it. I was wrong.
I started dating her, and he started hating me. I lost my best friend for the sake of the relationship, and what I found out later was that she felt the same way.
The reason she decided to stay with the 'I broke up with her' story was because she found it a convenient way to get him to be friends with her again. He had started talking to her and being nice right after she left after the confrontion we had, both of them under the impression that she was single again. He was obviously interested because he thought he had a shot, and she was interested because she got her friend back, and was willing to make it seem like she was interested in a relationship if it would keep him around.
My primary theory at this point is that during the relationship, all those times that she was depressed, it was because she was missing him as a friend and felt like she couldn't tell me because I would get jealous/wouldn't understand (partially true, but I would never keep her from doing what she wanted in either case...)
So, a few days after she officially told me that I broke up with her, she started dating him. Now I am curious as to whether she genuinely likes him romantically, or if she is just doing this because she thinks it will keep him around, or if she is just after 'A Relationship' and now that he is all that she has, she will take 'whatever she can get' and will date him just because thats what's left.
However, all of this is just background for the real purpose of this thread. We have been broken up for about 2 weeks and I am just about at the end of the 'being sad about it' phase and I'm in the beginning of the 'pick up the pieces and move on' phase. I've found myself actively searching out other potential girlfriends. I feel like I have a hole inside of me and I need to fill it with something as quickly as I can. She was my first girlfriend, and I almost feel like I never want to experience being single ever again, because the sheer joy of being in a relationship and knowing that someone actually WANTED to be with you was a novelty for me, and I really liked the feeling.
The dilemma is this: is it too soon for me to start thinking about another relationship? How do I tell if I am in it just for the sake of being in a relationship vs genuinely liking the person? Also, to what degree is it naturally going to be a compromise between the two? I feel like I shouldn't be 'looking' to replace her, but I also feel like that's the only way you ever get into a relationship is by looking for one/taking a stab when you see an opportunity.
Do other people have this problem of feeling like they are after a relationship not necessarily because they want to be with a specific person, just that they want to be with SOMEONE and that if they happen to mesh particularly well with that person that that is just a bonus? I'm trying to figure out if that feeling is relatively natural or not. I feel like I'll become attached to a person once I get to know them by going out on dates, as opposed to finding the perfect person and THEN asking them out. I'm also wondering if maybe this is enhanced by the fact that I want to make my feelings for her (which I still have) go away, or mask them with feelings for someone else, but I question to what degree those new feelings would be real, and also to what degree the feelings were real the first time around if they can just be so easily masked or replaced.
Some footnotes: We dated for almost 3 months (she broke up with me (and yes that is how I see it, despite her insisting that I broke up with her) 2 days before our 3 month anniversary, which just happened to be valentines day. Needless to say, being an ENTP I had THE PERFECT GIFT picked out and prepared, as well as a bouquet of her favorite flowers. All of it went to waste.
I'm probably on the completely wrong forum for this, and I probably should have brought it to the ENTP one... Most of you INTJs may find the way I think about things/talk about them to be totally odd, IDK maybe not.
This will at least be a glimpse inside the mind of an ENTP as it pertains to relationships.
I will field any and all questions also.
Anyway, my concern started growing when she began to act withdrawn and depressed around me. It wasn't just the normal "I'm a shy person and would rather go read a book" type of stuff, it would be sitting-in-the-corner-teary-eyed-staring-intensely-at-the-floor type of stuff. When I tried to talk to her/get her to tell me what was going on, she would insist it was nothing and I got the impression that she just wanted me to leave her alone.
I got more and more concerned about this as the relationship went on. When we were alone together she seemed amicable, but when we were at school and around others, she would either be interacting with them happily and IGNORING me, or she would be sitting in the corner, almost literally crying for attention, but then pushing me away as soon as I tried to give it to her.
As an ENTP, I found this baffling, and talked to some professionals about it because I was concerned there might be a component that goes beyond just the norm, and she might actually have some sort of depression or something like that (she satisfied several criteria; odd sleeping hours, > 16 hrs in a row if possible, odd eating habits, indecisive, etc) and I am still convinced that she may have a mild or moderate form of depression that has somehow gone undiagnosed.
One day I confronted her about this, but our conversation was interrupted before I could fully articulate my side of things, and as an ENTP this is something I absolutely hate because we value others' impressions of what we say as well as how we present our statements/arguments. Later I found out that she left under the impression that I broke up with her. Not true in the slightest, and I told her as much.
She then told me "I'm gonna go with 'you broke up with me' because that's what I thought happened..."
This was baffling to me of course, as I was under the impression she wanted to be in the relationship, and given an opportunity to keep it going, why would she refuse?
However, there is another component at work...
My best friend had liked this girl for several years, and being an introvert, never did anything. He asked her out once, but he was so nervous (and she was) that it didn't really seem serious and he only did it because everyone put him up to it. She said no, and ever since then I guess he was just afraid to do it. So three ish years go by, and he still hasn't done anything. He followed her around, did activities just because she did them etc. He, unknowingly, had relegated himself to the 'friend zone' and was acting the part of 'best friend' to this girl, and she saw him now as a friend and not a romantic partner, whereas he was still pursuing a relationship.
Anyway, long story (and I mean really long story) short, I started to like her, and seeing that he wasn't doing anything I asked her out, hoping that he would eventually realize that he had wasted his time as well as everyone else's/hers and that eventually he would get over it. I was wrong.
I started dating her, and he started hating me. I lost my best friend for the sake of the relationship, and what I found out later was that she felt the same way.
The reason she decided to stay with the 'I broke up with her' story was because she found it a convenient way to get him to be friends with her again. He had started talking to her and being nice right after she left after the confrontion we had, both of them under the impression that she was single again. He was obviously interested because he thought he had a shot, and she was interested because she got her friend back, and was willing to make it seem like she was interested in a relationship if it would keep him around.
My primary theory at this point is that during the relationship, all those times that she was depressed, it was because she was missing him as a friend and felt like she couldn't tell me because I would get jealous/wouldn't understand (partially true, but I would never keep her from doing what she wanted in either case...)
So, a few days after she officially told me that I broke up with her, she started dating him. Now I am curious as to whether she genuinely likes him romantically, or if she is just doing this because she thinks it will keep him around, or if she is just after 'A Relationship' and now that he is all that she has, she will take 'whatever she can get' and will date him just because thats what's left.
However, all of this is just background for the real purpose of this thread. We have been broken up for about 2 weeks and I am just about at the end of the 'being sad about it' phase and I'm in the beginning of the 'pick up the pieces and move on' phase. I've found myself actively searching out other potential girlfriends. I feel like I have a hole inside of me and I need to fill it with something as quickly as I can. She was my first girlfriend, and I almost feel like I never want to experience being single ever again, because the sheer joy of being in a relationship and knowing that someone actually WANTED to be with you was a novelty for me, and I really liked the feeling.
The dilemma is this: is it too soon for me to start thinking about another relationship? How do I tell if I am in it just for the sake of being in a relationship vs genuinely liking the person? Also, to what degree is it naturally going to be a compromise between the two? I feel like I shouldn't be 'looking' to replace her, but I also feel like that's the only way you ever get into a relationship is by looking for one/taking a stab when you see an opportunity.
Do other people have this problem of feeling like they are after a relationship not necessarily because they want to be with a specific person, just that they want to be with SOMEONE and that if they happen to mesh particularly well with that person that that is just a bonus? I'm trying to figure out if that feeling is relatively natural or not. I feel like I'll become attached to a person once I get to know them by going out on dates, as opposed to finding the perfect person and THEN asking them out. I'm also wondering if maybe this is enhanced by the fact that I want to make my feelings for her (which I still have) go away, or mask them with feelings for someone else, but I question to what degree those new feelings would be real, and also to what degree the feelings were real the first time around if they can just be so easily masked or replaced.
Some footnotes: We dated for almost 3 months (she broke up with me (and yes that is how I see it, despite her insisting that I broke up with her) 2 days before our 3 month anniversary, which just happened to be valentines day. Needless to say, being an ENTP I had THE PERFECT GIFT picked out and prepared, as well as a bouquet of her favorite flowers. All of it went to waste.
I'm probably on the completely wrong forum for this, and I probably should have brought it to the ENTP one... Most of you INTJs may find the way I think about things/talk about them to be totally odd, IDK maybe not.
This will at least be a glimpse inside the mind of an ENTP as it pertains to relationships.
I will field any and all questions also.