Why do INFPs like me?

[speedsuit721]

I have an annoying tendency to attract INFPs. And it seems to me that all INFPs have some sort of emotional disorder. Looking back, the first guy I dated (before I knew about personality types) was definitely an INFP, and he had borderline personality disorder with a tendency to self-mutilate. Now there's a new psycho who is drunk emailing me and telling me how perfect we would be together and how much better I am than him. INFPs seems to always romanticize other people into something they're not and then wallow in misery because their creepy obsessiveness drove the person they like away.

I am NOT touchy/feely in the least, I do not provide much emotional support to other people, I'm distant, irritable, and extremely sarcastic. I don't understand why this is attractive to emos.

Do other INTJs have the problem of attracting people who are way too sensitive?

[ElstonGunn]

You probably don't buy into the "like attracts like" theory, do you?

Anyways, it's not fair or accurate to cast a dispersion like that due to type, especially not when you're basing it on two experiences.

[The Hand of Nod]

you probably have a nice rack

[speedsuit721]

I do have a nice rack, thank you.

I cast aspersions. It's what I do. Which is why it's inexplicable to me that sensitive types would like me. I forgot the third guy too, the one who wanted to send me "something" in the mail. I'm still waiting for a severed head.

[Cocoa]

Hey, i'm female and I do sometimes attract INFPs in my life as well. So far only as friends. They are cudly tho!! Like life-size teddy bears.

I know what you mean about their need for emotionality. I get scared because I do not think I have the capacity to uphold them emotionally.

On the other hand, I get it that you don't want a drunk. I wouldn't either. But if he's normal, not crazy/drunk.... why not give that one a chance??

BTW: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. is a forum for INFPs. If you go to their relationship thread, you'll see a lot of them are attracted to us!! :) Take it as a compliment :)

[speedsuit721]

Thank you, Cocoa. I do take it as a compliment, but the overwhelming emotionality of INFPs is terrifying to me. It seems like it almost borders on psychotic. I can't really give this guy a chance, because it's a guy who's read my blog, told me he's an INFP, and is pretty much convinced he's in love with me and we're perfect for each other, even though we've never met. At first, I just thought it was flattering. "I like your blog, I think you're great," etc. And then it became, "I wish you were here, I know you think I'm sappy or creepy, but I'm being honest." And that's when I thought, Yow, this is more than just a fan. So I cut off contact with him. Add that to the cutter and the "I want to send you something in the mail guy" and it's just become an INFP pattern. I can't deal with guys who cry every time they get their feelings hurt, because they are ALWAYS getting their feelings hurt. I've just had it, and today really pi**ed me off.

[Samoan Corleone]

Yes, I do. I'm a guy and I attract xNFPs. I mostly get the ones who are happy on the outside, but seem to have a lot of emotional baggage on the inside. I don't mind them opening up to me, though. A lot of them say I understand them and such. This may place me in the dreaded "friend zone" with them, but I'm usually not after anything beyond a platonic relationship so it suits me just fine.

One even called me her "consigliere" (because I'm such a big fan of The Godfather that one really got me). :laugh:

[sid4wisdom]

where are the INFPs? its almost been years since i saw one. i only see NTs around me.

[speedsuit721]

You don't see the INFPs because they are crying alone in their dark apartments.

[curiousjane]

Why does sugar attract ants? Why does gravity attract objects? Why does a black shirt attract white pet hair? Why does metal attract magnets? Why do anime conventions attract 38 year-old men with greasy hair who live in their mom's basements?

Who knows?

There is very little data to determine the reasons why those unbalanced individuals found you attractive and/or be obsessed over you. The source of the unbalance, however, is not necessarily their MBTI type.

Shoot, that behavior from a guy would creep me out, too. That behavior from ANYONE would creep me out.

[Josephine1012]

aTo view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I know it sucks to be in your position, but for the sake of being fair: Do you think there may be a slight chance you're overgeneralizing things? Is it possible you're assuming these people are INFPs because you've combined every negative characteristic you can think of into YOUR definition of INFP and now every time you see something you don't like you assume it comes with INFP tag.

Well, more to the point. I think your strength is attractive to a person who is less emotionally strong. It's the yin yang thing. It sounds like the people who find you attractive want to get past your rough exterior and just make you all mushy and give you a big huggle. Note: it is no fun to make mushy people mushier hence they stick to the strong silent types :p

Does it really matter why you attract them, it appears that you just do. So instead of trying to figure out why (I'm assuming you're not going to want to change yourself) isn't it better to figure out a coping strategy... More of a How To.

[speedsuit721]

I'm sure there are INFPs who aren't psychos. I just haven't met them. Or maybe they just haven't tried stalking me, so I haven't noticed.

However, you people are being reasonable and fair, which is making it hard for me to maintain my pi**iness. So I will have to acquiesce and agree that MY definition of an INFP has definitely contaminated all of them in my mind.

It is true I do not want to change myself. I tried. It's exhausting. I think the best strategy for dealing with these types may be to just not say anything to them or be nice at all. Just ignore. It seems like once someone who has serious emotional development problems gets recognition from someone whose approval they are seeking, they hang on like a super-glued cat to a screen door.

[Cocoa]

Thank you, Cocoa. I do take it as a compliment, but the overwhelming emotionality of INFPs is terrifying to me. It seems like it almost borders on psychotic. I can't really give this guy a chance, because it's a guy who's read my blog, told me he's an INFP, and is pretty much convinced he's in love with me and we're perfect for each other, even though we've never met. At first, I just thought it was flattering. "I like your blog, I think you're great," etc. And then it became, "I wish you were here, I know you think I'm sappy or creepy, but I'm being honest." And that's when I thought, Yow, this is more than just a fan. So I cut off contact with him. Add that to the cutter and the "I want to send you something in the mail guy" and it's just become an INFP pattern. I can't deal with guys who cry every time they get their feelings hurt, because they are ALWAYS getting their feelings hurt. I've just had it, and today really pi**ed me off.

Hey that is creepy. I think I know why.
You, a thinker think practically: "How can this freak like me? He's never met me! (Or doesn't even know me!)"
He, a feeler feels: "OMG, I totally feel her... I must confess my love"

Yes, INFP men are the "I must confess my love'" types... not all but many. Honesty is also very important to them. So they feel they are being honest with the one they love.

[loosefanbelt]

Please do not take your experience as a global phenomena. There are many INFPs that have learned (I use that word intentionally) to take care of their own emotional states. If their parents did not help them learn how to do this, then they pick up the skills later in life. It really is a matter of whether they have tools in their toolbox to deal with their emotions or not. I know many T people that I would say the same thing about - that they need to learn to take responsibility for their feelings.

An N person is able to pick up on lots of information around them - LOTS. So, I usually feel I know people better than they know me, in general. I do not broadcast this, nor does it become creepy. I just have a lot more receptors toward people than most of the folks I encounter.

I hope you find some good friends out there that are INFPs. They are a good loyal bunch.

[Noehelia]

I have an annoying tendency to attract INFPs. And it seems to me that all INFPs have some sort of emotional disorder. Looking back, the first guy I dated (before I knew about personality types) was definitely an INFP, and he had borderline personality disorder with a tendency to self-mutilate. Now there's a new psycho who is drunk emailing me and telling me how perfect we would be together and how much better I am than him. INFPs seems to always romanticize other people into something they're not and then wallow in misery because their creepy obsessiveness drove the person they like away.

I am NOT touchy/feely in the least, I do not provide much emotional support to other people, I'm distant, irritable, and extremely sarcastic. I don't understand why this is attractive to emos.

Do other INTJs have the problem of attracting people who are way too sensitive?

I did not understand one point and I am curious. The second INFP, the drunk that sent you emails, did he continue to send you a lot of emails even after you explicitly told him that you are not interested?

[universalis]

I have an annoying tendency to attract INFPs. And it seems to me that all INFPs have some sort of emotional disorder. Looking back, the first guy I dated (before I knew about personality types) was definitely an INFP, and he had borderline personality disorder with a tendency to self-mutilate. Now there's a new psycho who is drunk emailing me and telling me how perfect we would be together and how much better I am than him. INFPs seems to always romanticize other people into something they're not and then wallow in misery because their creepy obsessiveness drove the person they like away.

I am NOT touchy/feely in the least, I do not provide much emotional support to other people, I'm distant, irritable, and extremely sarcastic. I don't understand why this is attractive to emos.

Do other INTJs have the problem of attracting people who are way too sensitive?

Oh dear that was hilarious. Irascible sounds like you.

Date an ENTP. They are the best for a more archetypal INTJ. If you a more middle of the road then an ENFP. INFP are just the pits. Avoid. Emo's will suck your life force.

[Monte314]

I forgot the third guy too, the one who wanted to send me "something" in the mail. I'm still waiting for a severed head.

If you don't want the severed head, I'll take it.

*drools*

A two-sample data set is too small for definitive analysis.

[speedsuit721]

Okay, I think we've covered that I can't rationally label an entire group of people. Really. I get it. You can stop telling me.

I did not understand one point and I am curious. The second INFP, the drunk that sent you emails, did he continue to send you a lot of emails even after you explicitly told him that you are not interested?

The drunk email was on Friday. I ignored it. He sent me another completely innocuous email on Sunday afternoon. I just wrote back, "Thank you." I think, maybe, he gets that the "You've Got Mail" scenario is not happening. But who knows?

[darynthe]

Ok, first I am an INFP and I am not in love with you and never will. ;)

Second, if you tell an INFP that you are not interested you will never hear from them again. We are a very self-aware bunch who take rejection very hard INSIDE, and will then even if dying inside show you the cold shoulder after a frontal rejection.

So, I have my doubts you are classifying correctly these men. Hard to tell with only an online interaction.

I think a stalker type will probably be more in IS category, than in the IN. Does anyone know about this? It is just a supposition I am making.

So basically my counsel is to say to this guy to go to hell. And don't feel guilty about it.

[Noehelia]

That's why I asked. As darynthe suggested tell him explicitly that you do not wish to continue the contact and he should not email you again. I would expect that he will send one more email, tell him again with one phrase that your previous message stands and this is the last message from you. Well if after that he still insists then I would classify him as psycho.

[katrin]

Ok, first I am an INFP and I am not in love with you and never will. ;)

Second, if you tell an INFP that you are not interested you will never hear from them again. We are a very self-aware bunch who take rejection very hard INSIDE, and will then even if dying inside show you the cold shoulder after a frontal rejection.

So, I have my doubts you are classifying correctly these men. Hard to tell with only an online interaction.

I think a stalker type will probably be more in IS category, than in the IN. Does anyone know about this? It is just a supposition I am making.

So basically my counsel is to say to this guy to go to hell. And don't feel guilty about it.

I am an INFP and I totally agree with this. If the INFP creeps you out, you should be honest and say "I'm really not interested in you, and your continued attentions are making me uncomfortable. Please stop emailing me." The normal INFP will feel foolish and probably humiliated and will slink away to get over his/her dejection. If the INFP (or anyone) keeps hounding you after you've made it clear you don't want the attention, then you should get a restraining order, because that person may really be crazy.

[Tkae]

Ok, first I am an INFP and I am not in love with you and never will. ;)

Second, if you tell an INFP that you are not interested you will never hear from them again. We are a very self-aware bunch who take rejection very hard INSIDE, and will then even if dying inside show you the cold shoulder after a frontal rejection.

So, I have my doubts you are classifying correctly these men. Hard to tell with only an online interaction.

I think a stalker type will probably be more in IS category, than in the IN. Does anyone know about this? It is just a supposition I am making.

So basically my counsel is to say to this guy to go to hell. And don't feel guilty about it.

I almost want to say that this is bad advice.

I've had bad experiences with INTJ who treated me roughly, like a kid "playing" with a little dog, and then I've had some that just did stuff like this. And I wish I could beat it into INTJ's heads that it's cruel to do stuff like this to INFP.

But in all honesty, I really can't.

Frontal rejection is a surefire way to send them limping back into their holes.

You'll have to live with knowing that you've cut off any chance of even a friendly relationship with someone who would have tried to give you the world if you'd asked for it and would have forgiven you for just about any mistake you'd ever have made, but yes. It's an effective way.

Just don't wake up one day and wonder why there aren't any INFP who will get near you.

[Jeremy]

You know how insecure girls are attracted to badboys because they give off a vibe of confidence and strength that those girls will probably never have themselves?

Well I suspect your emo INFP boys are attracted to you for the same reason: they consciously or subconsciously are drawn to the image of the strong, silent ice queen that INTJ females may project. (And of course, nice racks are always a plus. But not fair bragging about it without furnishing pictorial evidence!)

I once attracted an INFJ for the same reason ... a formerly abused, half-insane girl wanting to save the world, but she couldn't save herself, so she needed a "dark knight" to do it for her. Wow, what a mess that relationship was.

[Jeroen De Dauw]

Why does gravity attract objects?

Sorry to go off topic here, but gravity is the attraction, not the cause.

[Antares]

Well, I attract a lot of "wounded" people. Two of them happened to be INFPs. As I posted on another forum, if you're attracting wounded people, it's not because they're INFP. I know very healthy, secure INFPs as well as stalker INFPs (one being an ex, one being a friend). But stalkers come in many flavors; one of them was an INFJ girl who thought I was her best friend. My INFP ex boyfriend wouldn't take the hint after I told him I don't ever want to be with him again, but then again, he thinks he's INTP, so who knows. It seems that all of the INFPs that I know have thought they're INTPs at some point, strangely enough. All of them, at some point, do think the're INFPs though. Am I that bad at typing people?

Your complaint seems to be that you're attracting people who are psychologically burdened, not INFPs (but if they all happen to be INFPs, I can see why you chose this title). I'm going to tell you my own experience and see if you can relate. I felt misunderstood growing up, being INTJ. If someone would just sit down and really listen to me, I feel like I have a lot to give, no matter how strange I may seem on the outside. As a result, I tend to be open and tolerant even if somebody may be "sort of weird"; there must be a lot more to them than meets the eye. So I guess I'm a lot more tolerant of differences than most people are. If something's bothering them, or they think it's weird that they think this way, I don't judge them. I let them talk and make comments at the right times, or relate to what they're saying. In addition, as some mentioned, I'm also very secure and self confident. Highly vulnerable people may be attracted to the "silent pillar of strength" that you present. A highly understanding one, at that.

Sometimes these individuals find understanding with me that they don't find in a lot of places, and sometimes, I think it causes them to latch on to that understanding. Which is good; it's in my intention, because since discovering the MBTI, I felt relieved, like I'm not a freak, and I'm not alone in my seemingly strange ways of thinking. But it's always more than what I can swallow, if you know what I mean. Some of them want a closeness more than I'm willing to provide. The wounded people don't understand that I didn't "discover" anything inherently worthy or special about them that others don't know; I see only what I expect to see: an inner wealth of feelings that are dying to come out, but somehow always end up maligned and misunderstood. I don't think they have anything that a lot of other people necessarily lack; it all affirms my theory that we as humans have a lot more in common than most are aware of.

And as for stalkers, the three of them I know of all have been INFP or ENFJ, but it may just be me.

[Tkae]

Sorry to go off topic here, but gravity is the attraction, not the cause.

Why does gravity attract objects?

gravity = noun

attract = verb

objects = ... object

Gravity is the attraction.

gravity = noun

attraction = adjective

is = verb.

In both sentences, gravity is the subject.

So to say that gravity attracts objects and that gravity is the attraction is saying the same thing. What got you was that they used a noun (attraction) that you consider to be an adjective of the subject (gravity) as a verb.

They said the same thing though.

[Smacknrat]

I have an annoying tendency to attract INFPs. And it seems to me that all INFPs have some sort of emotional disorder. Looking back, the first guy I dated (before I knew about personality types) was definitely an INFP, and he had borderline personality disorder with a tendency to self-mutilate. Now there's a new psycho who is drunk emailing me and telling me how perfect we would be together and how much better I am than him. INFPs seems to always romanticize other people into something they're not and then wallow in misery because their creepy obsessiveness drove the person they like away.

I am NOT touchy/feely in the least, I do not provide much emotional support to other people, I'm distant, irritable, and extremely sarcastic. I don't understand why this is attractive to emos.

Do other INTJs have the problem of attracting people who are way too sensitive?

First, welcome back?

Next, attracting isn't perhaps the best word for me... More like frightening and inadvertently shunning those with a more mellow attitude by
a) not saying anything
b) cutting off the conversation before and formal exchange can be made

For those that may HAVE been attracted, don't worry either I will disregard such a case or my addled and aging parents will scare you away (just kidding mom and dad).

I think it works in reverse too. INFPs will fire the first blow if they think the friendship/relationship is heading south. This has happened twice with INFPs and once with an ISFP I knew.

All you have to do to get rid of INFP is to pretty much start a fight with them... SO EASY.

Anyhow, I'm going to go with the Femme Fetale theory with you. Guys have a thing for crazy martial arts chicks...

Seriously, it's an anima thing (They could even mistake you for an ENTJ!)... The ISFPs have the other end covered with the fairy princess deal.

[darynthe]

I almost want to say that this is bad advice.

I've had bad experiences with INTJ who treated me roughly, like a kid "playing" with a little dog, and then I've had some that just did stuff like this. And I wish I could beat it into INTJ's heads that it's cruel to do stuff like this to INFP.

But in all honesty, I really can't.

Frontal rejection is a surefire way to send them limping back into their holes.

You'll have to live with knowing that you've cut off any chance of even a friendly relationship with someone who would have tried to give you the world if you'd asked for it and would have forgiven you for just about any mistake you'd ever have made, but yes. It's an effective way.

Just don't wake up one day and wonder why there aren't any INFP who will get near you.


I am sure that if someone hates your guts you prefer to get the frontal rejection rather than pity. I for sure would pay that person to open my eyes half my salary. Why would I devote myself for years for someone who scorns me in his inner heart"? Someone who only pretends to be my friend not as to hurt me or because it is socially acceptable or because he can get something out of it.

So think it again. Be reasonable. Rejection passes and you can learn to harden your heart like a good adult.

But hypocrisy may cost you much dearer.

---------- Post added 03-24-2010 at 11:06 PM ----------

It seems that all of the INFPs that I know have thought they're INTPs at some point, strangely enough. All of them, at some point, do think the're INFPs though. Am I that bad at typing people?


I am also an INTP INFP. I guess it is pretty common. I feel it is like an onion. The heart and meat is INTP and the skin is INFP. It holds it up together.

[jepoy]

I'm INTJ. I can relate. I have a few ex gfs that are emotionally unstable and clingy. I remember one giving me a box of condom as a birthday present. Then the other a t-back red female underwear. The other one would even kill herself if I continue to ignore her.

I'm not sure what type though.

[BFrost1]

I guess I attract INFP/INFJs and anyone wh is sort of emo, because my social front I tend to put on tells people I'm nice, sympathetic, and willing to help people by giving them advice. They stalk me for a while, try to be my friend, then I block them on MySpace and I usually never hear from them again. ;D

[Tkae]

I am sure that if someone hates your guts you prefer to get the frontal rejection rather than pity. I for sure would pay that person to open my eyes half my salary. Why would I devote myself for years for someone who scorns me in his inner heart"? Someone who only pretends to be my friend not as to hurt me or because it is socially acceptable or because he can get something out of it.

So think it again. Be reasonable. Rejection passes and you can learn to harden your heart like a good adult.

But hypocrisy may cost you much dearer.

---------- Post added 03-24-2010 at 11:06 PM ----------



I am also an INTP INFP. I guess it is pretty common. I feel it is like an onion. The heart and meat is INTP and the skin is INFP. It holds it up together.

Like I said, it is an effective way. I'm not arguing that.

But I'm sure there are other more tactful, considerate ways to get the point across. It's not like we need the blunt truth. Why should we have to experience a hardening of the heart when a gentle explanation works just as well?

Sitting down and explaining that you aren't interested in them and that the feelings aren't there on your part for anything to happen, and that it's not their fault but you just couldn't be in a true, honest relationship with them is a gentler, more patient way of saying it.

"I don't like you. Get a clue," works, but it's unnecessary.

[kaith]

I'm an INFP ..... without emotional disorder.......okay maybe sometimes. One of the reasons I like INTJ is because of their stability and their assertiveness. So yeah, maybe that's why INTJ attract INFPs.