Never Been Kissed

[Adarasnow]

Just curious...

As other INTJ's (others may answer as well) did you find it hard to have a 'relationship'. I mean was it hard for you to have a boy/girlfriend and did the opposite sex (or same sex for some of you) ever come up talk to you, or where they intimidated by you? Basically, how many of you are single? And why do you think that is?

[Harmony]

I'm single... But it's not for lack of guys trying... Or lack of me trying...

I just can't find that someone that makes me want to settle down... AKA... Nobody holds my attention long enough. :cry:

I have never had a problem talking to people... I have been told that I can be intimidating at times... Generally, once people actually do talk to me they see that they really have no need to be intimidated.

[Adarasnow]

Yes, there goes that intimidation thing again. Why is that?

I feel like a talk show host.

[Harmony]

For me, it's because I'm not a bubbly, smiley person... So people that don't know me, think I'm angry. :p And then there is the broad shoulders. That certainly doesn't help me any!

[tp6626]

I'm single, and it's basically because I haven't found anyone that can hold my interest. There have been many opportunities, but I quite clearly foresee that I will become bored and want out, so I don't even let it get started.

I was actually beginning to get a little paranoid about it last year; before this forum made me realise that there's nothing wrong with me, and there are plenty of other people like me out there.

I realise now that I have very specific requirements, and that as I haven't been actively looking, I have been very unlikely to cross paths with someone who fulfils those requirements.

I just need to start looking (at some point), and make sure I look in the right places. I think it'll be best for me to get a house, career, car and head sorted out first though. I have this belief that the more effort put in early on to 'get settled' will pay off massively later on (i.e. while I'm young, energetic, unladen with baggage, and ambitious, it makes more sense for me to concentrate on getting my life sorted to a comfortable standard - as this will be harder when I am laden with baggage).

So, its a delayed gratification thing, for the greater good (i.e. my life will be far closer to the way I want it when it does finally all pan out 'as-planned').

Not many people tend to have a plan. :)

[Mozzes]

I'm single... But it's not for lack of guys trying... Or lack of me trying...

I just can't find that someone that makes me want to settle down... AKA... Nobody holds my attention long enough. :cry:

I have never had a problem talking to people... I have been told that I can be intimidating at times... Generally, once people actually do talk to me they see that they really have no need to be intimidated.

Why do you think that some people find you intimidating? I've heard that echoed on INTJf a lot but I have a hard time imagining myself intimidated by you or any female on this forum. Do you think it's some quality of you or perhaps those who are initially intimidated by you lack confidence?

[Storm]

I found that males wouldn't approach me until late high school/college. After that, I got more attention. I've had a few boyfriends, but now the hard part is finding one I love. I suppose that's everyone's problem, though.

[Josephine1012]

I go in long spurts of being single at times. I'm never really looking, because I think that's the attitude that can get you into trouble. If you end up with the wrong person, I find that having a relationship can be very draining. When you start trying to fill that relationship void you are likely to end up with someone just because you're lonely or just because they appear to fit your criteria.

I've done that before. In fact, because I thought I waited so long to have my first relationship (age 19) I ended up dating someone who was incompatible with me for over 4 years. I constantly tried to adjust who I was to make sure I kept the other person happy. It was the kind of experience I don't really wish to repeat. Since then, I've simply come to realize that finding someone who complements me is extremely rare and can not be forced.

I know my advice may sound like it isn't helping much, but it's best to not force things and just wait until you meet someone whom you really enjoy. Any relationship requires some work to make the other person happy. You are happy to do this work for someone who matters to you, but otherwise it is very exhausting.

[Harmony]

Why do you think that some people find you intimidating? I've heard that echoed on INTJf a lot but I have a hard time imagining myself intimidated by you or any female on this forum. Do you think it's some quality of you or perhaps those who are initially intimidated by you because they lack confidence?

Well, I said it above... but I'll elaborate...

My family has a bit of a reputation for speaking our mind... And if you cross us, it can get ugly...

I really don't get why someone would be intimidated by me at all to be honest. I've never been in a physical fight... I've never even killed a bug (except with my windshield)... I'd never harm and animal, person, or any other living creature (aside from plants... I have NO green thumb!)... I really guess at times I just must look like I'm ready to rip someone's head off...

[Mozzes]

Well, I said it above... but I'll elaborate...

My family has a bit of a reputation for speaking our mind... And if you cross us, it can get ugly...

I really don't get why someone would be intimidated by me at all to be honest. I've never been in a physical fight... I've never even killed a bug (except with my windshield)... I'd never harm and animal, person, or any other living creature (aside from plants... I have NO green thumb!)... I really guess at times I just must look like I'm ready to rip someone's head off...

You made your post about the same time I posted my question. I thought I was going blind for a moment.

So, broad shoulders hmmm? Are you a lumberjack on the side? A...lumberjill, I guess... :p

[ElstonGunn]

Yes, there goes that intimidation thing again. Why is that?

I've heard the "intimidating" thing a lot. My thought on it is that it's because it's easier to accept the idea that you're perfectly attractive but intimidating, as opposed to accepting the idea that the opposite sex doesn't find you especially appealing and subsequently modifying your behavior if you think you'd like to.

Although maybe I'm just saying that because I've never personally been intimidated by a woman in whom I had a romantic interest. And maybe that is related to me not being attracted to the "intimidating type," if there is such a thing. My lack of action (and believe me, I have plenty of instances of a lack of action) is always based on other reasons.

[Adarasnow]

I find it strange that boys won't approach me but old people will ask me for directions.

I'm not scary looking either. I do stare though... not crazy stare, just cause I'm thinking to much and my eyes just happened to land on you.

Or if a pretty boy walks by...

[Harmony]

You made your post about the same time I posted my question. I thought I was going blind for a moment.

So, broad shoulders hmmm? Are you a lumberjack on the side? A...lumberjill, I guess... :p

LoL, I'm German... And I'm built like one too... Let's just say that if I don't work out and eat right, I could be a lot bigger than I am. :(

[Maedhi]

I've never had a girlfriend, a date, or even a crush. Yep, never been kissed. If society didn't keep reminding me I should be doing all those things, I doubt if I would even notice their absence. I have heard that people do find me intimidating, usually due to my body language and facial expressions (or lack of them to be more precise) as well as a very forceful and definite way of speaking (on the job). Despite this I still manage to have very good friends, those ENFPs are so difficult to dodge. Most of my friends are female, but I have never met a girl who has shown the spirit to tempt me out of my head and into the real world, nor have they tried to do so - I guess the feeling is mutual.

[Adarasnow]

I've heard the "intimidating" thing a lot. My thought on it is that it's because it's easier to accept the idea that you're perfectly attractive but intimidating, as opposed to accepting the idea that the opposite sex doesn't find you especially appealing and subsequently modifying your behavior if you think you'd like to.

Although maybe I'm just saying that because I've never personally been intimidated by a woman in whom I had a romantic interest. And maybe that is related to me not being attracted to the "intimidating type," if there is such a thing. My lack of action (and believe me, I have plenty of instances of a lack of action) is always based on other reasons.


If that is your theory then explain to me why 20+ something years no boy has ever come up to me, and I'm not an ugly girl by far. And no I am not the most amazing thing to come down the block...

[Josephine1012]

If that is your theory then explain to me why 20+ something years no boy has ever come up to me, and I'm not an ugly girl by far. And no I am not the most amazing thing to come down the block...

Are you in college? I suspect that isn't entirely the case, I'm sure you're only interested in select few and give the icy cold INTJ stare to the rest.

I guess, being ENFP, I have no issues meeting people (just issues liking them). You don't have to wait for someone to approach you, you can even practice by being friendly with someone you have no romantic interst in.

Proximity is key, if you're in class you can always just strike up a convo on a relevant subject.

[Adarasnow]

I am. It is just that most boys I see are idiots. I'll be blunt. And the ones who aren't are not that attractive. The few smart ones are taken, and there goes my ego running off again. I know what I want and I can't find it. In the meantime, it would be nice for a little attention from the others.

[Josephine1012]

I am. It is just that most boys I see are idiots. I'll be blunt. And the ones who aren't are not that attractive. The few smart ones are taken, and there goes my ego running off again. I know what I want and I can't find it. In the meantime, it would be nice for a little attention from the others.

Attention is an interesting thing, people give it to you in hopes of padding their own ego. Now, if the person who would be potentially giving you that attention takes one look at you and senses rejection, chances are they won't bother.

If you want to get a little bit of attention you need to sort of let the person know that they won't pay very dearly for giving it to you. This is where striking up a conversation may do wonders :p

[Mozzes]

LoL, I'm German... And I'm built like one too... Let's just say that if I don't work out and eat right, I could be a lot bigger than I am. :(

Are you actually German or are you of possible German descent? I'm just curious because I have a German or Swiss last name but I'm probably a European descendant mutt. Most people don't know their genealogy past 3 generations so it's difficult to make a claim like that with certainty.

[Adarasnow]

Now, if the person who would be potentially giving you that attention takes one look at you and senses rejection, chances are they won't bother.

If you want to get a little bit of attention you need to sort of let the person know that they won't pay very dearly for giving it to you. This is where striking up a conversation may do wonders :p

I guess I am just waiting for that one person to acutally have the guts to go on without thinking they will get rejected. I'm like a fluffy kitty, my claws are soft. And even then I just meow... D:

[Harmony]

Are you actually German or are you of possible German descent? I'm just curious because I have a German or Swiss last name but I'm probably a European descendant mutt. Most people don't know their genealogy past 3 generations so it's difficult to make a claim like that with certainty.

Oddly enough I'm only a mix of two really... German and Indian... My parents both have the same heritages, just different Indian tribes. I have yet to make it to the huge family reunion in Germany though. :(

[ElstonGunn]

It is just that most boys I see are idiots. I'll be blunt. And the ones who aren't are not that attractive. The few smart ones are taken, and there goes my ego running off again. I know what I want and I can't find it. In the meantime, it would be nice for a little attention from the others.

Speaking as a not particularly attractive guy (so write me off if you want), the only thing less attractive to me than the "I can't find a good guy" mentality in a woman is the "and if there are any decent guys, they should be required to do all the pursuing" belief.

But I'm an asshole about these things, so don't pay too much attention to me.

[Josephine1012]

I guess I am just waiting for that one person to acutally have the guts to go on without thinking they will get rejected. I'm like a fluffy kitty, my claws are soft. And even then I just meow... D:

Well, that's the tricky part... the right person will most definitely be able to see past the ice princess demeanor.

But if you are looking to expand your social horizons for the sake of getting a little ego boost but getting a little flirt going with someone you really don't see yourself getting involved with you may have to be the one to break the ice.

So it seems that you can wait for the right person (and know that chances are he will come along, just maybe a little later) or you can play a little (I guess I mean that in a platonic but flirtatious sense, but you can take it in whichever way that makes you comfortable) and not take it all so seriously :)

[Harmony]

Speaking as a not particularly attractive guy (so write me off if you want), the only thing less attractive to me than the "I can't find a good guy" mentality in a woman is the "and if there are any decent guys, they should be required to do all the pursuing" belief.

But I'm an asshole about these things, so don't pay too much attention to me.

I don't believe guys should be required to do all the pursuing... I actually find pursuing to be kind of fun at times. :)

[Mozzes]

I don't believe guys should be required to do all the pursuing... I actually find pursuing to be kind of fun at times. :)

Pursuit...chase...You don't play with them like they're a pitiful mouse once you catch them do you? Maybe you resemble your avatar more than I thought...

[Harmony]

Pursuit...chase...You don't play with them like they're a pitiful mouse once you catch them do you? Maybe you resemble your avatar more than I thought...

No... Usually they somehow end up playing with me. :thumbsdown:

Hence why I'm single, and overly cautious these days... :suspicious:

PS... my avatar doesn't play... She kills. ;D

[probity]

I'm single because I just got out of a 4 year relationship in July and I haven't felt like getting myself into another just yet. Guys have never really had a problem approaching me if they were interested enough and it's not hard for me to keep a relationship alive once I decide I want one. I'm very particular about who I'm even willing to 'test the waters' with so more often than not I reject any romantic attention that comes my way but that's never stopped any men (that I know of) from trying.

I'm not really interested in being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship so I've never done any pursuing. Not because I think men should do all the pursuing, more because I'm never interested in starting a relationship. If I met a guy who actually made me want to be in a relationship I'd pursue. As it is, the only reason I got involved with my last relationship was because he wouldn't leave me alone. Not in a creepy way, he was just very persistent and persuasive. He was the first guy to ever out-stubborn me. :suspicious:

I've never had a guy tell me I'm intimidating, that's something I hear from girls a lot though.

[Mozzes]

No... Usually they somehow end up playing with me. :thumbsdown:

Hence why I'm single, and overly cautious these days... :suspicious:

PS... my avatar doesn't play... She kills. ;D

That's terrible. Maybe you should sharpen your claws on them when they do that. Hopefully you haven't become too jaded that you pass over the opportunity for something great.

Oh, and I think that's how all cats are. Even when they play they're out for blood.

[Harmony]

That's terrible. Maybe you should sharpen your claws on them when they do that. Hopefully you haven't become too jaded that you pass over the opportunity for something great.

Oh, and I think that's how all cats are. Even when they play they're out for blood.

I'm getting better... I was bitter for a while... I encounter a very skilled player... He got to me... A friend of mine pulled me out of my bitterness though. :) I keep an open mind. I'm not actively searching, but I'm also not turning anyone I away. I'm game for hanging out or chatting anytime. Never know what could happen!

That's the truth... My poor little hamster learned that the hard way... Bet his last thought was "Man, that cage isn't so bad after all."

[Homini Lupus]

A quarter of century of inhabiting this planet and no kiss nor relationship yet. I am one of those who has been said to scare women: I stare, and if I suspect I am making people nervous I can get nervous too, which doesn't make things better. Besides, while I have known some intersting women not many are likely to be compatible with me and if you add the problem of many being already engaged and the fact that the male is generally supposed to make the first move you can get the picture. Still I am not giving up. I will get my chance sooner or later and I have become much better at social interaction over the last year. Unlike many men, I do not pretend to be better than I am to get feminine attention since I want them to know from the beginning the kind of old fashioned sarcastic iconoclast I am; if I find one who is still interested I can make some further moves. A good number of my dates have been disasters but sooner or later I will manage to do something constructive.

[Rudy]

I'm single. I think the primary reason for this is that, in the realm of romance, I am a total "sub". The idea of being the pursuer makes me almost sick to my stomach. Though there are exceptions, most ladies are expecting the gentleman to make the moves.

[Maayan]

I haven't had a "real" relationship in many years. I tried to take that one guy seriously and it made me want to kill him.

[Prunesquallor]

Single, mostly because my reaction to people saying they like me is "But that's not logical. You don't know me. We met two weeks ago and you just added me to facebook. Reading each other's profiles doesn't count for anything, honestly. You know how I talk in X circumstance and what I look like. You know my feelings on hockey and coffee and books and that's it. So, logically, you haven't enough information for this supposed liking that you are claiming to be so important to be justified. If you want to sleep with me, then just say that, just for goodness' sake don't make unsubstantiated unnecessarily affectionate statements because you think I'll feel flattered. No, that wasn't an attempt at digging for compliments. No really, you lack knowledge - get back to me when this supposed infatuation is thoroughly justified. Or if you're making exaggerated claims, please tone them down, because that's silly. Really, you're not being logical."

Which doesn't tend to go down well, as everyone I seem to attract is an F with deep-seated emotional problems. They get all emotional....

So, really, quite happy to reject them. Although I admit my m.o. is a bit weird.

[tp6626]

Jeez Prunesquallor.

I quite like you... :p

[Prunesquallor]

Eff you!

You know I love you.

I just wouldn't date you. Good thing we neither are lesbians, eh?





Prunesquallor added to this post, 0 minutes and 46 seconds later...

Jeez Prunesquallor.

I quite like you... :p

Thanks :)

[tp6626]

Thanks :)

Oh, is that all? (I was probing for the cynical response you just described, hehe).

[Prunesquallor]

Oh, is that all? (I was probing for the cynical response you just described, hehe).

In the first round, yes. Everyone's entitled a meaningless compliment or two. Social lubrication and all that. I figured that out eventually, although I used to argue with every compliment I got.

It's the signs of clinginess that tend to get the more negative reponses.

[Shinqui]

I guess I am just waiting for that one person to acutally have the guts to go on without thinking they will get rejected. I'm like a fluffy kitty, my claws are soft. And even then I just meow... D:

Thats just silly talk girl! Embrace your fierce INTJness and go out and grab what you want. An INTJ girl waiting for someone brave enough to talk to her may wait a very, very long time.

As for INTJ intimidation, I think this revolves around the quiet confidence exhibited by some INTJ's combined with the INTJ stare that so obviously takes in everything and quite frequently dismisses it as useless.

[rara avis]

Single, mostly because my reaction to people saying they like me is "But that's not logical. You don't know me. We met two weeks ago and you just added me to facebook. Reading each other's profiles doesn't count for anything, honestly. You know how I talk in X circumstance and what I look like. You know my feelings on hockey and coffee and books and that's it. So, logically, you haven't enough information for this supposed liking that you are claiming to be so important to be justified. If you want to sleep with me, then just say that, just for goodness' sake don't make unsubstantiated unnecessarily affectionate statements because you think I'll feel flattered. No, that wasn't an attempt at digging for compliments. No really, you lack knowledge - get back to me when this supposed infatuation is thoroughly justified. Or if you're making exaggerated claims, please tone them down, because that's silly. Really, you're not being logical."


Ah, me too. :( I have a very unpleasantly internal reaction sometimes to... I don't know, sweet nothings, compliments; I want to like them. I want to like the person saying them. I don't want to be with someone who's mean, or who doesn't make me feel secure, loved, liked... I hate feeling dissatisfied with someone who's trying to be nice, or trying in a genuine way to win me over. But... it happens all the time.

I need the sentiment to seem extremely genuine and sound to me, and I need it not to seem like someone's advancing on me further or faster than makes me comfortable. That last one just makes me cautious on their behalf.

You have to earn the right for me to care whether you really like me or not. If you haven't, I may actually feel slightly offended that you seem to think I care that much.

That's one reason why I'm single. :rolleyes:

[tp6626]

You have to earn the right for me to care whether you really like me or not. If you haven't, I may actually feel slightly offended that you seem to think I care that much.

That's one reason why I'm single. :rolleyes:
That makes perfect sense to me.

If I don't have any interest / respect for someone (i.e. where I don't think they really know or believe in what they say), then their comments like that go straight through me, and make me want to back off.

That respect has to be earned, and then if they do say something like that, it really will mean a lot and affect me quite profoundly. (But that hasn't happened yet). Hehe!

[llBradll]

The idea of being the pursuer makes me almost sick to my stomach. I think thats where a big part of me being single comes from. I have to really want somebody just to pursue them a bit, like even giving them a good amount of my interest.

In the past couple years I've actually only had strong interest/want for one female. Sadly for me she was about 10 years older(around 30 years old). She was married too.

I'm hoping that as I get older I find more mature, interesting people because being 19 everybody else just seems to want to have fun partying which isn't what I'm looking for at all.

[BostonIan]

For me, it's mainly my career status. There are some compatibility issues with the rest of the world, but, I think if I had my career together I'd be the hand-holding version of AlphaWolf. I'd just go up to an attractive woman, whisper, "Woman, you know what I'm gonna to do you? I'm gonna take you home, kiss you like you need it...no tongues, then I'm gonna throw you down, give you the best cuddle of your life. Kiss me or smack me, baby".

Joking, but it ain't too far from the mark. Right now, I'm marriage-focused but not marriageable. That might just be my latest excuse for being single, but this one seems true at the moment.

[enfpchick]

I think I am the only enfp that has never really been kissed.

[tp6626]

I think I am the only enfp that has never really been kissed.
What!? Really? An E, N, F, and P!? Crikey. Maybe you're an INTJ in denial.

[phantasma]

I'm single, never had a boyfriend. I think it's because I'm intimidating. I look a few years older than I am, have lots of intellectual interests, and I can hold my own in a lot of male dominated fields. This catches them off guard, and they don't know what to do with me. It doesn't help that my neutral face makes me look angry or depressed either.

Also, I tend to daydream a lot, and I'm pretty oblivious half the time. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between flirting and small talk, and end up accidentally ignoring anyone who tries to approach me. Along with what's wrong with me and them, when looking for guys I'm attracted to, it's very important for them to be on the same intellectual level as me. As you all know, that alone can be hard to find.

[enfpchick]

hahaha
Me an intj....goodness no!
Its not from lack of offers lemme tell ya ;) I think i just have never really paid much attention to it. lol the last time i had a kiss i was 16 and it was a dare! Usually i just giggle and push guys away.

[Tabemashoo]

Two decades, no relationships yet.

I'm actually interested in having one. Seeing what all the fuss is about. Nobody's interested though. I either scare them off with the glare, or, for people I who get to know me better, I'm just thought of as as the "friend" type. Whatever. If I'm meant to be in a relationship, it'll happen eventually. If not, well, then it won't.

[Ender]

Never had a relationship. It's difficult to say whether it's because of obvious factors, like introversion and shyness, or simply because I haven't had much social interaction in my life. I was homeschooled K-12, so it wasn't until I started college that I had much interaction with people period and I haven't even been going for a whole year yet.

[Anreader]

I'm a never been kissed, too. I am physically shy. I back up when people get into my personal space. Once the girl backs away, only creepy men follow, I guess. Anyway, I am single because I don't like most of the men who want to date me. And I am sexually nonagressive. I am not the funnest girl at the party. I don't have a friendly presentation, either.

[aresha]

Never been in a relationship before simply because i cant imagine myself having a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't see a need for a relationship yet, or maybe the right one hasnt appeared =/

[Samoan Corleone]

I don't believe guys should be required to do all the pursuing... I actually find pursuing to be kind of fun at times. :)

I know, it's fun being pursued, like when the girl does a lot of the chasing around, giving you the cue to ask for her number. Story of my life. :)

[Josephine1012]

Ah, me too. :( I have a very unpleasantly internal reaction sometimes to... I don't know, sweet nothings, compliments; I want to like them. I want to like the person saying them. I don't want to be with someone who's mean, or who doesn't make me feel secure, loved, liked... I hate feeling dissatisfied with someone who's trying to be nice, or trying in a genuine way to win me over. But... it happens all the time.

I need the sentiment to seem extremely genuine and sound to me, and I need it not to seem like someone's advancing on me further or faster than makes me comfortable. That last one just makes me cautious on their behalf.

You have to earn the right for me to care whether you really like me or not. If you haven't, I may actually feel slightly offended that you seem to think I care that much.

That's one reason why I'm single. :rolleyes:

You know, I can completely understand the sentiment expressed. I would even venture to say I'm very similar to that. But I'm also very outgoing, this causes me to pick my "targets" and be a pursuer. I generally dislike to be pursued unless it is done in such a way where it's very genuine and comfortable to me. Most men unfortunately stick to the tried and tested approach, or seem to really like me for seemingly no valid reason at all.

Most of the people I end up being interested in are not initially interested in me, for one reason or another, there are always little hurdles of sorts. It's not that I like to be around men who don't like me, but I just don't like the ones who like me without knowing anything about me. I also noticed a strange sense of entitlement attractive men seem to have when they are interested. "how could you possibly pass this up! You can't be serious, you MUST be interested, so you're clearly just being coy" Ughhh!

[kazzamunga]

You guys all echo my sentiments exactly. I've been single for 90% of my life, or more actually. I get really strong bad feelings about people which I almost always follow. When I haven't it has felt for the most part unnatural, and has ended up with me having dented self-confidence (which is not normally a problem for me) and taking a long time to get over it, so I think is it worth the hassle...people I click with enough to have some chemistry are few and far between, and I don't want to waste my time on people I know I don't have a future with, I'd rather be single and unmaimed in the meantime. This doesn't stop me feeling really frustrated though. I know I'm doing it my way for the right reasons, but sometimes I feel incredibly irritated that I'm not like the majority, and impatient that things won't just fall into place for me for once. Does anyone else feel like that?

[Pandemonium]

My brother dragged me to some sort of death metal club the other night. I was bored out of my mind so I decided to go on stroll around the area. Outside the club a group of girls approached me and asked me if I could pretend to be one of their boyfriends. Since I had nothing better to do I agreed. For the whole night they dragged me around the club, bought me drinks, danced and I get very drunk.

The next day at my brother's house, one of his friends said to me "Hey, man. *cough, cough, cough* You were wasted last night! One of the girls you were with was trying to get your number but all you were doing was talking about some damn book you were reading. You were totally oblivious!"

I seem to be quite "oblivious" when girls approach me. Somehow it seems that girls make the move and I am off in the clouds not noticing.

My longest girlfriend of a year (I knew her for a few years prior, we were good friends. Very competitive.) literally pounced on me before I realise that she liked me. Though, I am partly lying. I do know what others around me are alluding through their body language and all other personified characterisations. I am just not motivated enough to make a move.

[MaleVolentworld]

Throughout college and university I was never interested in looking for a partner, or partying, or getting drunk etc. It seems like I was the only one there that wanted to learn and enjoyed studying, that was fulfilling for me.

However, in the world of work (or unemployment), there is less opportunity for romance since unlike in education, you're not mingling with lots of people around the same age, in the same situation with similar interests, so it's difficult to find someone.

If you have never been in a relationship, don't do what I did. Accept the first beautiful woman that comes along and tells you that she loves you...she's really a crazy woman :). No, I don't know, there was just always a feeling of something not being right.

Love is rare, if it wasn't then it would be less valuable, like apples.

I don't know if there is something wrong with me but kissing was not that great...unless she injected poison into my lips to numb them...there was no...ok who wants to prove to me how great kissing is (no males allowed) :)

[Shoeless]

As other INTJ's (others may answer as well) did you find it hard to have a 'relationship'. I mean was it hard for you to have a boy/girlfriend

Well, it was certainly hard on my wallet. But jokes aside, it was hard for me as my ex-girlfriend was too clingy and emotional. I don't find it hard to have a relationship (I assume you're trying to ask whether it's hard for us to start a romantic relationship), but whether the relationship is able to continue past the 'honeymoon' period is another story entirely.

And did the opposite sex (or same sex for some of you) ever come up talk to you, or were they intimidated by you?

Yes, girls do come up to talk to me and have conversations not related to school or work. But girls who do are few and rare, for it takes quite some guts to approach a guy who looks reserved and aloof. Others generally don't approach me for casual conversations, and I'm fine with that.

Basically, how many of you are single? And why do you think that is?

I'm single by choice (ha, this sounds like such a typical excuse).

In the past, I was pretty much a skirt-chaser. Some worked, some didn't. But it was fun. In fact, I was more willing to take risks before, as compared to now (whether this is due to one growing up and maturing is open to debate).

I guess the reason why I'm still single is due to the fact that I am extremely choosy about who I invest my feelings in. I want a woman who's not materialistic (that's a tall order given the times we live in), loving (not only to me, but to those around her), passionate about something (I'm not particular about what it is, as long as it isn't morally wrong), intelligent, strong morals, emotionally stable...okay, just a female version of me, but more loving and not a bitch ('cause I'm an asshole).

I know some people will say that the ideal woman I have in mind is too good to be true. But hey, I'm a guy, and my stocks will still be high even when I hit forty...and I'm just halfway there. Time is on my side ;)

Edit: I don't know if any of you experience this problem, but do some people assume you're in a relationship without even asking you? It has happened to me quite frequently. And when I let them know that I do not have a girlfriend, their eyes widen slightly, eyebrows go up a little, and the question that's in their minds is clear; "Is he gay?"

[nuloki]

Love is rare, if it wasn't then it would be less valuable, like apples.


True, there's a reason why there's such a mystique surrounding dating and all the ritual steps leading to marriage. I'm not going to argue that it's invented or anything but love isn't really something you can really go searching for. :mellow:
Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!

Just curious...

As other INTJ's (others may answer as well) did you find it hard to have a 'relationship'. I mean was it hard for you to have a boy/girlfriend and did the opposite sex (or same sex for some of you) ever come up talk to you, or where they intimidated by you? Basically, how many of you are single? And why do you think that is?

Yes and yes. Intimidation might be the effect of the INTJ inward gaze. I can attest to being someone who's gotten that a lot, too. For now I think I've decided that it's a privacy buffer except I've forgotten where the on/off switch is. :laugh:
'Relationships' seem very forced to me. And when they're forced I'm reminded of the imagery of an eroding hillside. I think the best type of romantic relationship that's worth waiting for is one where you and your partner can act completely like yourselves. That is, without compensating for the other's personality or degrading your own integrity just to make it work. Its cliche and all but its not a game...at least when people's feelings are concerned

[Maedhi]

Edit: I don't know if any of you experience this problem, but do some people assume you're in a relationship without even asking you? It has happened to me quite frequently. And when I let them know that I do not have a girlfriend, their eyes widen slightly, eyebrows go up a little, and the question that's in their minds is clear; "Is he gay?"

Funny you should mention that, many people find it hard to believe that I don't have a girlfriend. I wish they would keep that question in their mind, I have been asked 'Are you gay' many times and some of my closest friends go as far as 'Are you sure you're not gay'?

[rara avis]

...But I'm also very outgoing, this causes me to pick my "targets" and be a pursuer. I generally dislike to be pursued unless it is done in such a way where it's very genuine and comfortable to me.

:thinking: I'm curious, how often do you find such a "target" - and what is your goal, with them? Is it kind of a fun-for-now-and-then-we'll-see type of motivation? Or, with your engaging E nature, do you find people relatively often that seem like they could be seriously viable, and you are willing to some extent to give them a shot?

I think if I spotted someone who really interested me, I would [eventually] pursue, if necessary. But I think my standard for what makes an "interesting target" is too (or maybe not too, for me, but just very?) stringent for this to happen often... or almost ever. :undecided:

You guys all echo my sentiments exactly. I've been single for 90% of my life, or more actually. I get really strong bad feelings about people which I almost always follow. When I haven't it has felt for the most part unnatural, and has ended up with me having dented self-confidence (which is not normally a problem for me) and taking a long time to get over it, so I think is it worth the hassle...people I click with enough to have some chemistry are few and far between, and I don't want to waste my time on people I know I don't have a future with, I'd rather be single and unmaimed in the meantime. This doesn't stop me feeling really frustrated though. I know I'm doing it my way for the right reasons, but sometimes I feel incredibly irritated that I'm not like the majority, and impatient that things won't just fall into place for me for once. Does anyone else feel like that?

I can speak to part of this, for myself... it ties in with what I was thinking about Jo's post above; I almost never meet people who are worth that level of trouble. And I think it has to do with-

a) how much I experience the efforts involved in close interaction as "trouble", as opposed to... I don't know, an adventure? excitement? entertainment? fun?

and

b) the end goal I suppose I have in mind for myself with another person - I guess I don't really understand the idea of getting with someone unless there is the serious, well-examined material there for a long term relationship. I don't know why I'd date someone with the thought in mind that it'll probably just be for a while. It's not worth the mess, to me.

In my dating experience, I haven't really taken a lot of injury- but more tiresome irritation in getting in and getting out again. Bleh. This is also why I keep few friends close to me - if I am really with someone, I am investing in them.

I don't have the stomach to be a daytrader. :D

...The next day at my brother's house, one of his friends said to me "Hey, man. *cough, cough, cough* You were wasted last night! One of the girls you were with was trying to get your number but all you were doing was talking about some damn book you were reading. You were totally oblivious!"

I seem to be quite "oblivious" when girls approach me. Somehow it seems that girls make the move and I am off in the clouds not noticing.

I've done the same thing many, many times. I've gotten used to not functioning on that level, not putting out feelers for that kind of attention. I prefer not to notice, if possible; if I do, notice, I'll do my damnedest to pretend I don't. I definitely admit to the shallow gratification of the flattery of it, when the interest is pointed out to me by someone.

Another part of it is that I'm probably being a wee bit challenging. Oh, you want me? You want me enough to talk about the freaking book I'm thinking about? Did you have something interesting to say? No, I didn't think so. I'm sure you're very nice and all, but why don't you go tell someone else you think they're pretty.

I'd never say it out loud, how mean- probably not even think it clearly at the time. But if you wanted to read it into my actions... maybe you could. :rolleyes:


I don't know if any of you experience this problem, but do some people assume you're in a relationship without even asking you? It has happened to me quite frequently. And when I let them know that I do not have a girlfriend, their eyes widen slightly, eyebrows go up a little, and the question that's in their minds is clear; "Is he gay?"

Yes. The other day a woman my age I've worked with for about a year said, "Wait, why did I think you were married??" I suppose there are a lot of reasons she might've picked up that vibe... but I think part of it is that I feel pretty OK, whole in some way on my own, not like I'm constantly casting around for someone to be with.




Edit: Geez, long post. Sorry about that.

[Josephine1012]

:thinking: I'm curious, how often do you find such a "target" - and what is your goal, with them? Is it kind of a fun-for-now-and-then-we'll-see type of motivation? Or, with your engaging E nature, do you find people relatively often that seem like they could be seriously viable, and you are willing to some extent to give them a shot?



Hmmm, in general I don't really pursue fun-for-now opportunities, it has a potential to get really messy as I quickly learned. So the only way I will actually chase a boy is if I think he is pretty great and I'm pretty sure that I will want him if I'm lucky enough to succeed.

So to answer the first part of the question - not often at all (I'm a little giddy because I like someone now ;D, but as a general rule I don't easily meet people I like). My E nature guarantees a higher rate of interaction, but most people bore me to tears. I will still interact with them to make the time pass, but they make me think of space fillers. It's actually pretty depressing, because there isn't a question of hey maybe I'm just not giving people enough of a chance, because I am! I'm not misanthropic by any definition, I still care in a sense that I don't want any harm to come to anyone who I think is a kind person, but that doesn't make me enjoy their company for any extended period of time unfortunately :(

But I am much more comfortable with the role of picking who I like as opposed to being picked. I suspect the reason things work out this way, I see people who aren't trying to purposely impress me as much more genuine and consequently interesting. Also, being a pursuer lets me set the tone and speed a little more. I like to be liked, but nothing scares me more than suddenly being responsible for emotions of someone I don't even know very well. Especially, when those feelings start getting hurt and I'm not even sure what it is I'm doing to cause all this damage.

[tp6626]

Funny you should mention that, many people find it hard to believe that I don't have a girlfriend. I wish they would keep that question in their mind, I have been asked 'Are you gay' many times and some of my closest friends go as far as 'Are you sure you're not gay'?
I've heard that a few times as well. It's so irrational (and personal at the same time), that it just makes me mad. Why automatically assume gay just because I don't have a girl friend. It's not like I've got a queue of male lovers stacked up at home either!!!

They tend not to get a reply, just a burning glare of sheer & utter contempt.

[rara avis]

Funny you should mention that, many people find it hard to believe that I don't have a girlfriend. I wish they would keep that question in their mind, I have been asked 'Are you gay' many times and some of my closest friends go as far as 'Are you sure you're not gay'?

Oh, wait!! I forgot the best part about this!

I thought I was gay for quite a while around age 20, because I just wasn't interested in boys as much as it seemed I ought to be.

:laugh:

Turns out girls aren't really all that much more interesting. Just better groomed. :)

[Cesare Borgia]

I'm 24 and i never bothered with relationships or love, its a waste of time and too big of a distraction, if you want sex, go get a hooker or a drunk girl.

[MaleVolentworld]

Cesare

I was reading The Telegraph last week, specifically the Review section, and I thought of you. (I'm not gay :) ). I never heard of the name before but there is a book out discussing Cesare alongside Machiavelli and Leonardo (I think, one of the turtles anyway :) ) as they lived during the same era, and how their lives interacted. It was an interesting review of an interesting book, and I only read it because of you...*it started with a kiss, never thought it would come to this*....I'm just playing, I'm not gay. I just had to let you know.

Aaaaaaaaaanyway. If you want sex, use your hands rather than a zombie, paid or free. But it's more preferable to find a long term partner.


RARAAAAAAAAAA

I have to ask, but I cannot be rude but this is not a lie, yes you are beautiful. But what I wanted to know was what's on yer bookshelf. See, if I just asked while ignoring your face, it would not be nice. Books on a bookshelf mmmmmmmmm :)

[Rudy]

Turns out girls aren't really all that much more interesting. Just better groomed. :)

Hmm.. I am attracted to both sexes, but I find the female form much more... aesthetically pleasing, if that makes any sense? That is, both are sexually attractive, but I find it much more pleasing to observe a woman than a man.

[rara avis]

Hmm.. I am attracted to both sexes, but I find the female form much more... aesthetically pleasing, if that makes any sense? That is, both are sexually attractive, but I find it much more pleasing to observe a woman than a man.

It's true, I think. Girls really are prettier; everyone's eye is drawn by a lovely girl.

Unfortunately, they're still people.

Anyway, when it comes down to it, I find the contrast between male and female is a much better, more intense romantic/sexual catalyst for me.

[tp6626]

It's true, I think. Girls really are prettier; everyone's eye is drawn by a lovely girl. Lol, blow your own trumpet there Rara.

(There's a euphemistic joke there somewhere involving men and the above, but I'm going to refrain from making it).

[Adarasnow]

So I see the outcome is this: INTJ don't get in the romantic arena much because others cannot understand us and the rare awesomeness we are. And we seem to have this stare with throws others off... sucks for them.





Adarasnow added to this post, 2 minutes and 58 seconds later...

Or maybe it is because all other personaility types are just too stupid or brain boring. I know I'm snob, but most people can throw down a good conversation or discussion, and when they do they sound like idiots in class. People repeating facts they just learned...

[Rudy]

Unfortunately, they're still people.

A wonderful summary of the problem with all relationships. :laugh:

[SeaCzar]

I am single definately by choice. I had the love of my life in college (for 2.5 years). I never found love after that. I got married and that was a disaster (I should have seen that coming). Someone posted somewhere on this forum that they had broken up with their SO only to be told later by the SO "You do not need someone else in your life." That really hit home for me. And, being an only child, I am selfish and very difficult to live with, not prone to compromise (this is putting it mildly). You can sure tell if I am interested though. Once I turn on the charm, look out!! It helps that I am getting a bit long in the tooth, and have many other interests to keep me occupied.

[Harmony]

I know, it's fun being pursued, like when the girl does a lot of the chasing around, giving you the cue to ask for her number. Story of my life. :)

Yeah... Some guys don't get the cue. ;) Or maybe they don't want the cue! :irked:

[Adarasnow]

I like being persued, that traditional in the sense that guy does the workd. Why not? Guys seem to want to control everything else in a woman's life, but not courtship. Sadly, today's American society doesn't push for a man to be a gentleman and pursue women. Pursue women mean one night stand, nothing like: "Hey let's hang out and get to know each other on respectable dates."

[Rudy]

Sadly, today's American society doesn't push for a man to be a gentleman and pursue women.
Sure it does. Not all of us choose to listen to society, however. ;) To our loss, in this case, I'm afraid.

I'm not interested in controlling any aspect of a woman's life. Keep in mind, if you only want men who will pursue you, that they will tend to be more controlling, statistically speaking. This may be a situation where you cannot have it both ways. If you want a man to control the romantic relationship, chances are he will be controlling in other ways as well.

[MaleVolentworld]

A gentleman is a rare kind of man.

Hmm, what is the masculinity in a gentleman?

[Adarasnow]

I don't want a control freak. I just want someone who isn't as shy as myself to start the dang conversation. I don't know how to interact with men unless I need information.

[Hatsumomo1]

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18. Before then I had three crushes since I turned 13. I've had two boyfriends so far.

I think it's because I just didn't get a lot of social interaction with anyone I found remotely interesting. I was convinced that nearly my entire high school and middle school were full of idiots that I wouldn't date if they were the last males on earth. It also doesn't help that I have ridiculously high standards in what I want in a boyfriend. Unlike a lot of my friends, I don't settle for just anyone. If I can't see a long future with them, I won't even waste my time.

[BostonIan]

If that is your theory then explain to me why 20+ something years no boy has ever come up to me, and I'm not an ugly girl by far. And no I am not the most amazing thing to come down the block...

There was an earlier thread from a woman who got too much attention (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). Might be interesting to read through, assuming you haven't.

On topic, "attractive" and "desirable" both have connotations that there's some inherent worth involved, but, if you look, the words are based on the external; other peoples' actions. Judging by the attention I got, I used to be more "attractive" and "desirable" when I was a fat damaged jerk, so it's hard for me not to be a little skeptical of the whole thing.

Just for curiosity's sake, kicking around ideas. I think people project an aura that nestles into other peoples' heads and makes them react in a certain way. If you're self-contained, your vibe probably doesn't wriggle into peoples' subconscious as much. There's also some social status weirdness, where people will think someone's attractive just because other people consider them that way. If you're an outsider, maybe you're not on the same social stage.

Just a few ideas.

[Cincinnatus]

Just curious...

As other INTJ's (others may answer as well) did you find it hard to have a 'relationship'. I mean was it hard for you to have a boy/girlfriend and did the opposite sex (or same sex for some of you) ever come up talk to you, or where they intimidated by you? Basically, how many of you are single? And why do you think that is?

I would imagine it to be very hard to have a steady relationship with me. I've been derided as "super-analytical" and "boring." Yes, I know, I'm not the easiest person to live with, but will say the people that think I'm boring have zero clue what they're talking about. Very few women approach me. Apparently, my "can I help you?" look gets confused for the "what the Hell do you want?" look. C'est la vie, I guess.

None of my relationships have lasted more than 2 months, and I get really, really exhausted with the other person. I just shut down, and that's probably why I'm still single. Who knows, maybe I haven't found the right person? :undecided:

[Synchronicity]

None of my relationships have lasted more than 2 months, and I get really, really exhausted with the other person. I just shut down, and that's probably why I'm still single. Who knows, maybe I haven't found the right person? :undecided:

I sympathize. It's very, very difficult for me to find someone I want to carry on with for any extended period of time. I enter into a relationship with great enthusiasm, only to leave a few months later -- with great enthusiasm. The really tough part about it is that it's a very gradual thing. Every day I'm with a new girlfriend I feel just a little less interested in her, until things start breaking down because I'm not devoting enough time and energy. It makes me afraid to get into any relationship at all because I just know I'll have to turn around after a while and say "Ya know what? Turns out I don't really like you after all. Bye!"

There's only one girl I've ever known whom I might have been comfortable forming a LTR with. Unfortunately, we had to part ways through no fault of our own before things ever got going, so I guess I'll never know.

The impossible search continues.

[PeterIMC]

Just curious...

As other INTJ's (others may answer as well) did you find it hard to have a 'relationship'. I mean was it hard for you to have a boy/girlfriend and did the opposite sex (or same sex for some of you) ever come up talk to you, or where they intimidated by you? Basically, how many of you are single? And why do you think that is?

I'm married, but I'm 38, married when I was 31. When I was a teenager I never went after girls like some of my friends did. I just couldn't understand why they would do that. I had a simple rule: "If a girl likes me, she has to come to me." That occasionally happened, but not that often. Even when I knew a girl liked me and I found her attractive I wouldn't go after her. Too shy I guess, but mostly not willing to lower myself to the hunter level as to me that just seemed a form of begging which I find ridiculous.

For some reason most people when a guy is unsuccessful in getting a girl, everybody respects him for trying. I'm just thinking: Loser!


With my wife this was different. First of all I met her online, so that's already different from the usual, (at least it was 12 years ago.) We just started chatting and I ended up chatting with her every day. When I met her for real, it was like the girl that's the perfect match for me.

[Samoan Corleone]

I'm married, but I'm 38, married when I was 31. When I was a teenager I never went after girls like some of my friends did. I just couldn't understand why they would do that. I had a simple rule: "If a girl likes me, she has to come to me." That occasionally happened, but not that often. Even when I knew a girl liked me and I found her attractive I wouldn't go after her. Too shy I guess, but mostly not willing to lower myself to the hunter level as to me that just seemed a form of begging which I find ridiculous.

My neck is sore from all of the nodding I was doing while reading this. I thought I was the only one. The only relationships I've ever been in have come from the girl doing most (all of) of the initial pursuing, because then it's almost a certainty that she's interested. I'm 19 and I haven't been in as many relationships as some of my friends, but that's never bothered me. Hitting and missing is a common trait for a "hunter", whereas good things come to those who wait.





Samoan Corleone added to this post, 1 minutes and 59 seconds later...

Yeah... Some guys don't get the cue. ;) Or maybe they don't want the cue! :irked:

It's the former for me a lot of the time. :(

[ranwayslo]

Why I am single...So far I have made choices and or been subjected to choices made by others that have prevented a long term relationship.

[Cincinnatus]

It makes me afraid to get into any relationship at all because I just know I'll have to turn around after a while and say "Ya know what? Turns out I don't really like you after all. Bye!"

Hmm. That slogan would be perfect to print on post-it notes! You could hand that out to every short-term relationship you've ever had, romantic and platonic! :laugh:

[The Drifter]

When I pursued girls, I could never get the girl I wanted under the circumstances I wanted. After every caring bone in my body had been broken, I said fuck it. That's my motto, "Fuck effort". Any relationships that don't happen naturally and effortlessly won't manifest. Even then, there are still other issues. I have a female friend that would be my girlfriend if I asked, but I just want sex, not a girlfriend. So to get the sex I would have to ruin a friendship in exchange for a relationship that is sure to fail. Everything I can get from a relationship I can get outside of relationship except sex. I'm one of those guys that it takes a long time for girls to warm up to so they skip over considering me for a sex only relationship and head right into serious relationship territory. Women are so demanding that a relationship is just a second job to me now except it's a job that I them for the privilege of working. They assume that they're assets when they are really liabilities. I live in a feminist stronghold. Most of the "relationships" I see are actually thinly veiled prostitution. There is no love. Very few people are in real relationships, and most of the ones who are split up. I want sex, just not bad enough to work for it. I can do without the rest.

[d3br074]

When I pursued girls, I could never get the girl I wanted under the circumstances I wanted. After every caring bone in my body had been broken, I said fuck it. That's my motto, "Fuck effort". Any relationships that don't happen naturally and effortlessly won't manifest. Even then, there are still other issues. I have a female friend that would be my girlfriend if I asked, but I just want sex, not a girlfriend. So to get the sex I would have to ruin a friendship in exchange for a relationship that is sure to fail. Everything I can get from a relationship I can get outside of relationship except sex. I'm one of those guys that it takes a long time for girls to warm up to so they skip over considering me for a sex only relationship and head right into serious relationship territory. Women are so demanding that a relationship is just a second job to me now except it's a job that I them for the privilege of working. They assume that they're assets when they are really liabilities. I live in a feminist stronghold. Most of the "relationships" I see are actually thinly veiled prostitution. There is no love. Very few people are in real relationships, and most of the ones who are split up. I want sex, just not bad enough to work for it. I can do without the rest.

Jeez man...How do we have the same personality type...?? You don't want love? Only sex? I'm the stark opposite of that. While I agree that there is a lot of "thinly veiled prostitution" I don't think it is always that way or has to be that way by any means...

[JohnDoe]

Jeez man...How do we have the same personality type...?? You don't want love? Only sex? I'm the stark opposite of that. While I agree that there is a lot of "thinly veiled prostitution" I don't think it is always that way or has to be that way by any means...


Is he really that wrong?


Very few people are in real relationships, and most of the ones who are split up.


Misguided, maybe, but he is correct.

[The Drifter]

Jeez man...How do we have the same personality type...?? You don't want love? Only sex? I'm the stark opposite of that. While I agree that there is a lot of "thinly veiled prostitution" I don't think it is always that way or has to be that way by any means...


Why do I need love?

[Latro]

To clarify before I start, I'd say I've never been in a relationship. One person might argue to the contrary, but she pretty much decided that arbitrarily and I just rolled with it, so yeah. Anyway:
The first and foremost reason I haven't wound up in a relationship is simply because of having a small social circle in general. Very few girls come around that I could even get to know well enough to know that I wanted to pursue them. Overall I've had a couple of silly crushes over the years, 1 girl that I was ridiculously interested in for some reason my senior year (something one might call a crush, but of much stronger intensity and much longer duration than others), and the person I mentioned above.

The latter could probably have very easily been a legitimate relationship if I hadn't been oblivious to what she was feeling and even to what I was feeling...but we basically drifted apart when I went to high school and she stayed in middle school. (I was 13 and she was 12 at the time, so that might've had something to do with it.) I haven't heard from her for years. The one girl I was interested in I remained shy around (for 6+ months in fact), and when I finally (after we had both graduated and were going in different directions) elected to tell her that (only to get it off my chest, I didn't expect anything) she actually had thought I thought she was annoying, which was really more disheartening than "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" or even something along the lines of "go away!"

Or in short: I have a small social circle and thus don't really even get a cursory understanding of any girls around me, I'm oblivious to the emotions of myself and of others, and what few cues I give are badly misinterpreted.

[d3br074]

Why do I need love?

honestly, I was simply imposing my own personal morals on you. I have the tendency to reject any desires or tendencies that make me human (such as lust, sex drive, etc.). However, I think you "couldn't be bothered" because you don't have love--it's the motivator.

I can't know the way it should be, only the way I think it should be, and I think that sex shouldn't be the motivation for a relationship. Rather it should be desire for a companion who you respect, whose company you enjoy, and who keeps you interested and excited. It can't be about the sex because what would the sex be without love?

[Ava]

I've never been in a relationship. Or been on a date. Or even been kissed (though someone did try once...I suppose that counts for something). There are several reasons for it that I can name, and probably more that I'm not even aware of.

For starters I just care a whole lot less about being in a relationship than most other people seem to. I'm not out looking for one and never have been, and 99% of the time I'm content with that. The only issues I have with it are that I worry that the longer I go without any sort of experience, the harder it will be to start/maintain a relationship should I ever want one, and the vague hope that eventually I will have someone to share my life with when I'm older, so I don't have to go through certain situations alone. While I wouldn't mind being helped out by very close friends, I have a feeling those very close friends would mind and would feel that they're doing what should be a romantic partner's "job".

Another factor is that I've literally never encountered another person I'd actually want to be in a relationship with. I don't know if I just have high standards, or if my nervousness about the whole situation makes me discount people I might be interested in otherwise, or what it is. I've had a couple minor crushes on people who I found physically attractive, but I always disliked their personalities, and I've had male friends who I liked to spend time with but wasn't attracted to (can't exactly say the same about the reverse). Still waiting to encounter someone who has both going for them...but of course I don't meet a lot of new people in general and I don't know how I would meet them now that I've left college.

I do know that at least 3 people have liked me that I've known reasonably well, and perhaps more that I've known less well. I couldn't gauge how attractive I am in general to men but I don't think I'm intimidating, except maybe to people who find quietness intimidating. I'm actually fairly curious on this point but I have no way of finding out the answer.

[The Drifter]

honestly, I was simply imposing my own personal morals on you. I have the tendency to reject any desires or tendencies that make me human (such as lust, sex drive, etc.). However, I think you "couldn't be bothered" because you don't have love--it's the motivator.

I can't know the way it should be, only the way I think it should be, and I think that sex shouldn't be the motivation for a relationship. Rather it should be desire for a companion who you respect, whose company you enjoy, and who keeps you interested and excited. It can't be about the sex because what would the sex be without love?

It's not the motivation for a relationship, that's why I'm not in one. You must've missed where I said I had the option but decided against it.

[Seriously]

I've been in two long term relationships.

The first one I went into young and it was mainly because we wanted to have sex and according to our religion had to get married to "get some". It wasn't bad I just had to push down who I was and basically become the offshoot of another person. I was depressed a lot, gained weight and pretty much hated who I was. After we left the religion we got divorced because we had nothing in common. Now we are great friends.

The second one was right on top of the first. He was handsome, suave and told me he loved me. It seemed like the best plan even though I didn't love him, I figured we got along and since he loved me I could make it work. I was wrong. He loved my body and the person he thought he could make me into. Needless to say that didn't work for me.

Now I'm comfortable on my own. Sex can be had easily if I want it either with my handy dandy shower massage or a willing male that I can show to the door when I'm done with him. I miss having someone to share things with sometimes and I enjoy intelligent male conversation but I'm not sure I would be willing to give up my lifestyle. Relationships have so much compromise involved, it would have to be a pretty special person to lure me back into one.