View Full Version : How hard is it to make feelings fade?
02-12-2009, 03:58 PM
This is not only me whining. I need advice, personal experiences and such from fellow INTJs
I am standing in front of a huge choice. In August I'm moving cause of my education. The distance I'm moving is the same as the distance between the very south of Sweden and Rome. There is not a question of if I am moving or not. I must do it to get the education I want. And my rational mind forces me to chose education, over most other things.
Here is the dilemma I've found a girl, and I don't know whether to make it serious, or just leave it.
She is perfect for me, and I'm picky. I've never, ever found anybody whom I could consider having a romantic relationship to before.
I have developed very, very close connections to the few persons I've opened up to. I love them all(as friends). It will be terrible to lose these friends.
If we would become a pair we would only be able to be it for 5 months. And then I would be torn apart, when I had to leave her.
What would you say is the wise thing to do?
How long has it taken your feelings to fade?
How many times have you found "perfect once"?
(By the way we are both 16.)
02-12-2009, 04:25 PM
I was in your situation once. I tried to make it work, but we both would have been much better off admitting that our time together had passed.
While I never would have believed it could happen, once in college, my world opened up and I met many others who were much more suitable anyway.
It took me about two years to come through it, and feel like I was moving on.
02-12-2009, 04:28 PM
I know exactly what I would do, but Im an INFP so dont listen to me. I would go into the relationship, but really make sure that the fact that we have limited time was known and really try to allow feelings, but only to a certain extent. This extent will be a personal decision, as you would have to think about how much pain you would be prepared to feel and adjust the extent accordingly.
Plus, dating is also meant to be a bit more fun when your younger, its can be more about confidence and experience and expression than about depth and "the big picture". I think that INTJ's are picky and when they find someone worthwhile, which is rare, they are apt to put all their love into it.
The decision that you have to make is first. I am emotionally mature enough to enter into this without loosing any of myself in the process?
And second. How much pain am I prepared to feel, and accordingly, am i confident that I can control myself?
I dont think we should avoid pain. INTJs often are very proud and refuse to admit that they gave or had to deal with pain (the anonymous internet is the only place I have seen them do this). Obviously dont be self-destructive with intention, but try to understand yourself beforehand and say - do i have self-confidence that i can do this?
02-12-2009, 04:38 PM
You have 5 months to make the most beautiful music you may ever hear in all of your days.
The fact that it will not last will make it that much more intense.
Feel all you can possibly feel in this time. Let yourself go completely into it.
And then let it go.
The memories will last you a lifetime, and the pain you are avoiding will not be even close to worthy of missing out on such a great experience.
You're young, but finding someone who you think of in that way is not an everyday occurrence. Live your life without fear.
02-12-2009, 04:52 PM
Live your life without fear.
If I was talking to myself and if you were talking to yourself. This is what I/you would say. But we are confident in ourselves enough to be able to live life in this way. We can say "fuck pain" because while we allow ourselves to feel it, we dont dwell on it.
It would be unwise for Nordenstorm to follow this path unless he was confident that he could live life this way. Some people are able to dismiss emotions with logic or maturity/experience. Some are not, and just because he is "young" doesnt mean that he should be so gung ho.
People see youth as this opportunity that MUST be lived out to the extreme. Either because they regret their youth and feel it could have been SO much better this other way, or because they are young and trying to rationalise something negative. And youth should be taken as an immense opportunity as it when you have your least commitments. But at the same time, it is the period in your life when you are most likely to be uncertain in yourself, your existence and your surroundings. Unless he can be sure that he will not allow the pain at the end of it to consume him for longer than is "healthy" (only he can decide this), then he shouldnt go into it. But that is to say, you should go into it. But only with confidence, maturity and security.
02-12-2009, 05:03 PM
I've met a number of people who I thought I connected pretty well with and would have wanted to marry if they'd wanted that... didn't happen, I moved on, and looking back I see there were some significant problems with each of the relationships. Infatuation causes you to miss a whole lot... your girl may honestly take a long time to get over, but chances are you'll later find someone who's even "more perfect" for you.
Things have a way of working themselves out. We're just impatient creatures. If it's meant to be it'll happen, if not, you'll find life has a way of taking you on courses of its own...although we often ask WHY? at the time and can only see the bigger picture and have understanding with Hindsight...
Feel free to whine, it's not easy...Best wishes.
02-12-2009, 08:19 PM
I'm sorry - my heart goes out to you! I faced a similar choice not too long ago, and it's very difficult now in the aftermath. I decided to go for it ~ then he left on July 10, 2008 ~ but the pain is sometimes overwhelming more than six months later. We still talk several times per week, with the understanding that our relationship has changed from a beautiful romance to a rewarding friendship. Anyhow, best of luck!
02-12-2009, 09:46 PM
From a practical side, get busy. Hobbies, work, art, projects, learn a language, martial arts... something or several somethings that totally occupy you and don't leave you time to dwell.
Or... use these feelings to fuel something artistic. Art is often born of pain and strong emotion.
In the end things work themselves out.
02-12-2009, 10:25 PM
Well, I would say, why not go for it and then attempt to keep it alive over long-distance after that 5 months. Rationale is this: you don't do it, you missed the opportunity; you do it and try to keep it alive over distance but failed, you also back to square one BUT at least you tried and there is a chance and possibility that it will work out. Ignore it and nothing will ever change...
02-13-2009, 06:32 AM
The bad news: It's hard. The good news: Over time things get better and a new equilibirum develops.
We can say "fuck pain" because while we allow ourselves to feel it, we dont dwell on it.
This is key. Be careful to let your feelings fade. Don't repress them or clutch them like some dear possession. (I wish I were an INTJ.)
I broke up with my first boyfriend at the age of sixteen and then changed my mind a month later. (Chalk it up to an irrational mind.) For a whole year, I didn't accept that it was over and it tore me apart. My first heartache sucked, and letting myself sink that far into desperation was unhealthy.
So, don't look at it like that. Most relationships are transient. Appreciate that you have the opportunity to make good memories in the present and enjoy it while it lasts. You sound like you're already attached to her. Make it worth the pain of losing her.
02-13-2009, 08:10 AM
I feel sorry for you. Still hope it'll all work out for you. Lycka till!
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