Crushes. Glee!

[Maayan]

It's time to channel my own irrational thoughts into an intelligent discussion! But really, I just want to instill my joy into others. So it goes.

Exhibit A:

I really do have a crush on him. If he wasn't married, I'd be shamelessly trying to seduce him. I want to offer him my complete love and affection, conditional only on his desire and enthusiasm. Then, plugged into his energy, I will continue to pour my love and affection into him, and become happier and happier until I get tired out and collapse in a puddle of joy.

[...]

He's really nice and has a fun side -- he likes to play sports, banter, and toy with French phrases at random -- and he has a tattoo on his sleeve which is usually hidden. But he's also a serious PhD student who's very serious about his work. He's amused when I burst into the conversation and talk about how much I love something (usually school-related). He's open-minded: It's not, "I hate math and that's final." It's, "I hate that I don't understand math, and if someone showed me how to be good at it, I'd be really happy because it would let me do Advanced Physics, which I'm really interested in. I'm unhappy because I don't /want/ to treat math as a means to an end. I want to love it." Maybe. Or maybe those are just the words that I'm putting into his mouth.


Exhibit B:

Generally speaking, I decide to get to know people once they've proved to me that they're relevant (to me, which isn't actually that harsh a criteria). I wouldn't usually bother getting to know someone who's inadequate, and someone pushy and inflicted with asinine smugness is, by definition, inadequate. But, when I have a crush on someone, I turn into one of those irritating people who always want to get to know the other within the context of a relationship, and not before.

Conclusion: Crushes breed irrational thoughts, but boy, do they feel good.

Where do crushes fit into your world? They rock mine -- until they turn sour, of course.

[Harmony]

Hmm... I'm not sure I have had a crush in a while... I remember my last crush I always got so giddy when he'd just talk to me in passing. He was a friend of a friend, so he knew me, but not very well. Nothing ever happened, was too scared to ever make a move, and beings he never made one I just assumed he wasn't interested. :p

I get giddy when this guy I'm talking to calls me, I suppose maybe I have a crush on him... But I'm not sure what defines a crush really? I know he's interested in me, and vice versa... Is that still classified as a crush when both parties know the feelings mutual? :p

[Maayan]

Another episode of, "But what does it mean?"

Here's another piece of the puzzle. Crushes (and, more generally, human energy that flows into my own) allow me to compensate for having very little internal motivation and internal control. Which scares the crap out of me. But I'm stating facts; not trying to judge myself for it just yet.

Strong and positive emotions are an extremely effective way of getting myself to focus on a goal. The external world becomes very difficult for me to pay attention to. All that matters is that I indulge in my desire; and only so long as that desire is fed with rewards. I've channeled this desire into improving myself as a person. Last year, for example, I had a huge crush on my INTJ teaching assistant and channeled all of my energy into improving my craft of writing. It became very easy for me to scan my immediate environment for interesting information that I could synthesize into a letter meant to entertain (this generally requires some degree of conscious effort, but it's gotten easier over time).

[Harmony]

Ah, yes, I am similar in that aspect! If I'm got a strong attraction or desire I try to throw all my energy into writing, or drawing. Pretty much, anything to keep me from opening my mouth and spewing out WAY more information than needed to said object of my affection!

[Monte314]

We have the following system of equations:

Women + crushes = endorphins
Men + crushes = testosterone

Experience has shown that when one equation is satisfied, the other is not.

[Kisai]

I think you're utilizing your crushes as impetus to self-improvement. You have a submissive personality, and you like to gain strength by connecting with skilled dominants. Since your learning process is fueled with sexual feelings, its more fun; its an adventure. You benefit greatly from this sort of relationship.

In time, you may switch from being submissive to being dominant yourself.

[Maayan]

Ah, yes, I am similar in that aspect! If I'm got a strong attraction or desire I try to throw all my energy into writing, or drawing. Pretty much, anything to keep me from opening my mouth and spewing out WAY more information than needed to said object of my affection!

(And this functions as a reply to Kisai's post, too.)

Ah. But my normal happiness isn't intrinsic. I mean, I have intrinsic joy, but it's nowhere near the pleasure that I derive from other people. However, if I depend on the wrong people for happiness (which is a negative coping mechanism founded in this method of deriving joy), then my foundation is wobbly. They can walk away at any moment. And I'll change myself in the service of maintaining this connection, even though there's a possibility that this behavior is ultimately self-defeating. (Need to crunch on that last one some more.)

And I channel my energies directly into that person. I wrote him four letters a day. (He'd reply with a four-page letter of his own. At least it wasn't a problem insofar as imposing myself on him.) And, when he didn't reply with the same degree of enthusiasm, I resented him.

Kisai -- You're so cool. And right.

Shit, man. If I fix this, will I still be able to enjoy sadomasochistic fantasies? The optimistic answer is, "Of course! And I'll be able to enjoy them while feeling less guilty about them, because I'll know how to keep them beneficial." I don't fully believe myself. Validating my goals is tough.

[Harmony]

Ah. But my normal happiness isn't intrinsic. I mean, I have intrinsic joy, but it's nowhere near the pleasure that I derive from other people However, if I depend on other people for happiness (which is a negative coping mechanism founded in this method of deriving joy), then my foundation is wobbly. They can walk away at any moment.

And I channel my energies directly into that person. I wrote him four letters a day. (He'd reply with a four-page letter of his own. At least it wasn't a problem insofar as imposing myself on him.) And, when he didn't reply with the same degree of enthusiasm, I resented him.

Hehe, anything I wrote either ended up in the trash or tucked away for my eyes only. Kudos for being able to pass it along. :)

[ElstonGunn]

Historically speaking, crushes have been very uncomfortable for me, to put it mildly. I'm personally opposed to acting on them, but being a male, I'm expected to do it anyways in the vast majority of situations. So it's essentially me waiting for something that has a 10 percent chance of happening, if that.

Generally, the ideal thing for me in those situations would have been for the object of my crush to have an interest in me and let me know directly without mincing words, but since that's so unlikely, I generally would prefer it if the damn things would just leave me alone.

[Maayan]

YES! Kymbirleigh, you just gave me puzzle pieces (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). There was a shift -- a little one, but a shift nonetheless, and that shouldn't be scoffed at! It's the only thing better than crush-joy. Thanks!

[Harmony]

LoL, you're welcome. Sometimes it's the small things that make all the difference.Small shift or big shift, doesn't matter, just that there was a shift. :)

[Subverted]

The last time I had a crush it ended up with me falling totally in love with the chick(we became close friends for a couple years) and then getting emotionally worked over...

It wasnt fun, I now have more trust issues than before(I didnt think this was possible, but it was). Thus, I havent let myself have any more crushes since.

[Maayan]

Hehe, anything I wrote either ended up in the trash or tucked away for my eyes only. Kudos for being able to pass it along. :)

*laugh* It's not informed bravery. Trust me. It's the ESFP Devil May Care spirit. "I could care, but I don't have the inner focus to work through this problem quickly and efficiently. And what's the worst that could happen? [A voice replies. "Don't know. Lots of things. But you're smart. You can deal with it."] THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!"





Maayan added to this post, 24 minutes and 36 seconds later...

Kisai (and everyone else):

This concern is only quasi-relevant to the discussion (Please continue analysing crushes! It's really cute!), but I'll state it nevertheless. Even if I become dominant, I'll still be reliant on an external trigger to drive me, won't I? And that's what gets to me. I love it when my mental lenses sharpen because of the energy that I draw from an interpersonal relationship, but I loathe the limitations of this cognitive preference. If a predator (or a prey) doesn't whimsically wander into my midst, it's much more difficult for me to feast on the knowledge that I crave.

I can depend on myself for drive. It's just nowhere near as good as when I depend on other people. Which is very, very bad.

(Sorry about all the edits. Lots of belated chewing.)

[Kisai]

Well, every personality type has a weakness, which is only as unsurmountable as you make it. It sounds like you're learning a lot from your complement of INTJs and will turn into a nicely rounded individual.

When I was an INFP, I desperately wanted to serve someone more capable than me and learn from her. Unfortunately, I never found that right person. It's much more difficult socially gender-wise. When I did change personality type, I was able to put all that 'waiting for godot' stuff down and become my own capable self.

I'm sure that your experiences will be much different from mine. Good hunting!

[Ryokurin]

I don't know if you could call what I used to get crushes of infatuation. The bottom line is that they weren't that good for me, as it slowly built up to anxiety or disappointment when I had to face the fact that it wasn't happening for various reasons (already taken, not interested, older etc) I kind of reverted to the old INTJ standby of overthinking every step. Instead of thinking about will this date be good, I thought about us hitting it off, getting serious, meeting family and so forth, very long term. I wouldn't call it being clingy, as I didn't have the other symptoms of it, but it definitely looked to others as I had a adjenda, or jittery from the anxiety depending on how long I stewed with the entire idea of asking for a date.

[Ender]

Crushes are not fun, as they tend to evoke enough emotions to take control of the rational thinking brain and make it do or think illogical things. Plus it becomes ten times worse if the subject of your affection obviously does not return the feelings, making it into to something very one-sided and unhealthy emotionally, physically, and mentally.

[llBradll]

Usually they're gone within a week for me. I've only had one last for over a month as long as I can remember. I sort of enjoy them. They make me actually feel interested in a girl for more than short term.

[Pandemonium]

I have actually no idea if I have a crush on someone or say even like a friend until six years later. I call the person with a new fantastic plan I had created to only realise that phone number has been disconnected.

[Kisai]

*
This concern is only quasi-relevant to the discussion (Please continue analysing crushes! It's really cute!), but I'll state it nevertheless. Even if I become dominant, I'll still be reliant on an external trigger to drive me, won't I? And that's what gets to me. I love it when my mental lenses sharpen because of the energy that I draw from an interpersonal relationship, but I loathe the limitations of this cognitive preference. If a predator (or a prey) doesn't whimsically wander into my midst, it's much more difficult for me to feast on the knowledge that I crave.


Ms. Maayan,

You have, like everyone else does, a proverbial angel inside of you. This angel is kind of shy. It only wants to peek its head out and smile when its told that its okay. This angel is very beautiful and very capable, but it still a little shy.

One day, in the future, the angel will lose its shyness and be able to come out whenever it wants to. It won't need anyone's permission to be great, for it willl know that it was great all along.

[mikebob]

Based on my experiences thus far I have found the following to be true:

Me+crush+Wiley Coyote Principle = trouble

The Wiley Coyote Principle states that my chances of success in any venture are inversely proportional to my emotional investment in that venture unless my investment is zero, in which case my chance for success is also zero.

For me a crush is rare (once a year or so at most), so I'm ill equipped in almost all cases to affect some sort of order on all the emotional chaos that comes with it even though I can identify it almost immediately. In practice, the little men inside my head (think Calvin and Hobbes) behave something like this:

"Hey, that light came on. What's it mean... OH NO! Sound the Crush Siren!"
"Shut the thing off! It'll kill us all!"
"It's not responding! We're loosing directional control!"
"Quick, scuttle us in that pile of E-mails gone wrong. We'll fix the damage later"
"There'll be a breech! We'll all be killed!"
"It's better than a meltdown! Do as I say, or don't you remember the Crush of '02?"
...

When the dust clears I'm usually hoping for the days when I'll have outgrown this crap, but I suspect that's a pipe dream.

[ricearoni]

Crushes are fun! I like having someone to imagine having the perfect relationship with and letting them be my muse. It's a fun little fantasy, until I realize that I actually like the person and there's potential for something more. Then it all goes to crap. I've actually lost weight from trying to get the courage to ask a guy out.

[SimplyOtter]

When I was an INFP, I desperately wanted to serve someone more capable than me and learn from her. Unfortunately, I never found that right person. It's much more difficult socially gender-wise. When I did change personality type, I was able to put all that 'waiting for godot' stuff down and become my own capable self.

I'm sure that your experiences will be much different from mine. Good hunting!

Mmmh... yes maybe being an INFP man it's more difficult....
I find myself with the same urge of learning, but I don't feel like "serving" him. I hope the learning could be reciprocal :)

It's quite hard for me to have a crush, but when I have it it's always HUGE.
The good news is, I think Im learning to wait to be sure and also to have rational reasons to validate it...ok, maybe not ALL of them, just some LOL

the rest, is just mystery and chemistry and this is how it should be :)

[Zilal]

Crushes have been the source of some of the strongest feelings in my life. I'm extremely vulnerable to them and they usually work me over pretty good. There have been several unavailable people I've crushed on for literally years at a stretch, often being extremely happy to spend time with them and utterly miserable that I couldn't have more.