Female INTJ Meets Male INTJ on-line dating

[Snoel16]

I have just met my first INTJ man that I'm interested in dating. We actually didn't even find out about it until about two months into it (on-line). It's great- we "get" each other! We'e getting closer to the big "first" in person meeting soon. He's 48, I'm 44.

Has anyone ever dated a fellow INTJ? What advice would you have for me based on past experiences?

Thanks!


Side Note: I'm the new girl, Snoel16. Can't tell you how GREAT is it to find this site and know I'm not "scary smart", or "too driven", or "over-analyzing everything" - I am just an INTJ. Found myself laughing as well as thinking "exactly!" as I read the posts. You guys are great! Thanks for letting me be a part of this.

[heyejanli]

Wow, you guys will probably hit it off really well! All my INTJ friends and I seem to grok each other very intuitively. Congrats!

[Rudy]

Well, the good thing about dealing with another INTJ, is that usually the question of "what would I want in their shoes?," will work. Ask yourself that, when you're wondering what to do. That's not to say that we all want the same things, but we tend to want the same kinds of things.

[amberlinen]

Though I consider myself more INTJ than INTP, I really have NO IDEA what other INTJs want during their interactions with me. They can want a lot of different things, friendship, activity partner, sex encounter, or intellectual exchange (this really depends on whether we are at the same intellectual level)

[Vagrant]

I have just met my first INTJ man that I'm interested in dating. We actually didn't even find out about it until about two months into it (on-line). It's great- we "get" each other! We'e getting closer to the big "first" in person meeting soon. He's 48, I'm 44.

Has anyone ever dated a fellow INTJ? What advice would you have for me based on past experiences?

Thanks!

My last ex was an INTJ. A major word of warning: If you have a problem in the relationship, don't hesitate to bring it up. Make sure he's clear on the same thing. If you think there is a misunderstanding, then don't let it sit.

My ex managed to screw our relationship up by not doing those things -- and she called me the inexperienced one. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, because she wouldn't tell me (and I was practically begging her to tell me, because I knew something was wrong). I guess she just assumed I would know what it was, specifically.

[alphawolf]

I didn't know what I was doing wrong, because she wouldn't tell me (and I was practically begging her to tell me, because I knew something was wrong). I guess she just assumed I would know what it was, specifically.

Sounds like an NF chick to me. They may not even know it themselves, just that something doesn't feel right.

Never beg a woman for anything, they take it as a major sign of weakness.

[Nightshiver2]

My last ex was an INTJ. A major word of warning: If you have a problem in the relationship, don't hesitate to bring it up. Make sure he's clear on the same thing. If you think there is a misunderstanding, then don't let it sit.

My ex managed to screw our relationship up by not doing those things -- and she called me the inexperienced one. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, because she wouldn't tell me (and I was practically begging her to tell me, because I knew something was wrong). I guess she just assumed I would know what it was, specifically.

This is tricky. Girls are attracted to men who have a stable set of character traits that when subject various tensions & experiences, will not change in fundamental nature. From an evolutionary perspective, Men are valued for their long-term ability to provide and protect for the family, so stability is a must.

As such, changing yourself to meet her needs, shows your unable to cope with even minor tension. Thus unpredictable in the long term. It is assumed that during your lifetime you will face challenges far greater than a petty argument with your girlfriend.

The main method to correct this , is to in fact have strong core values or purpose. This comes from life experience, encountering a large range of issues, overcoming them and learning from it.

Technically I should just stop here, so you don't try and imitate what follows. Nonetheless, once you have strong core values, usually you decide to react to this situation in these ways:

1) If its a minor annoyance she has, tough, that's just how you are
2) If its a major annoyance, try finding resolutions to her problems while still meeting your own core values
3) If you need to change something fundamental, it needs to look like you did it on your own accord without any influence from her.

This applies to the vast majority of girls, even a lot of NT's act like this. After all, relationships are based on emotion.

[boldbidder]

This is tricky. Girls are attracted to men who have a stable set of character traits that when subject various tensions & experiences, will not change in fundamental nature. From an evolutionary perspective, Men are valued for their long-term ability to provide and protect for the family, so stability is a must.

Most relationship issues don't involve the radical re-write of some core belief, could be as simple as who's turn is to wash dishes or leaving dirty socks on the floor. Now in the case of an NF just slowly simmering inside with something being wrong, it's been my experience at least, that this is pointing to something she needs, or think she needs that isn't being provided. In situations like that I tend to favor the Stephen Covey approach; seek win-win solutions because compromise is ultimately lose-lose.

To the original poster, I'd say relax. You have been talking with your prospect for a couple months prior to deciding upon doing the first physical encounter so you should have a reasonably good feel for each other. The only word of caution I'd offer is that don't be surprised if you find him decidedly less talkative in person than online, you know INTJs love asynchronous communication! ;) Also, if for some reason you all come to a silent point between conversations don't feel rushed to fill the void as you might when dealing with another type, I can promise you that he'll absolutely be fine with the silence (as you will) and just enjoy each other's company.

[Vagrant]

This is tricky. Girls are attracted to men who have a stable set of character traits that when subject various tensions & experiences, will not change in fundamental nature. From an evolutionary perspective, Men are valued for their long-term ability to provide and protect for the family, so stability is a must.

As such, changing yourself to meet her needs, shows your unable to cope with even minor tension. Thus unpredictable in the long term. It is assumed that during your lifetime you will face challenges far greater than a petty argument with your girlfriend.I'm not trying to be rude, but I was pretty consistent most of the time. It wasn't over a petty argument. She literally shut down and wouldn't let me in (it was after a near-death in her family, and she became despondent for nearly 2 months [when we had only been together 5 months]). She was basically mindfucking the relationship, and there was nothing I could do. Whether or not I looked unpredictable isn't the point -- you can't just put a relationship on halt to test it. That's asking for it to fail. And I knew that it was failing. But I couldn't figure out what I could do to right it.

Sounds like an NF chick to me. They may not even know it themselves, just that something doesn't feel right.I had her take the MBTI test, actually. She scored INTJ. Which made sense, because we just "got" each other.

[rara avis]

Well, the good thing about dealing with another INTJ, is that usually the question of "what would I want in their shoes?," will work. Ask yourself that, when you're wondering what to do. That's not to say that we all want the same things, but we tend to want the same kinds of things.

The funny thing for me in a relationship with another INTJ was that at first, there were several moments where he did something or reacted/didn't react in a way that made me instantly think, "HEY, wtf?" And then, when I T'd it out, and put myself in his place in that specific interaction, I realized, omg, that's almost exactly what I would've done or said.

It has given me a hilarious new perspective on what people experience in dealing with me. I didn't realize I was so used to being surrounded by personalities that are more easily... well, manipulated into certain... um, catering-type reactions. ;D


As for the somewhat off-topic conversation:

This is tricky. Girls are attracted to men who have a stable set of character traits that when subject various tensions & experiences, will not change in fundamental nature. From an evolutionary perspective, Men are valued for their long-term ability to provide and protect for the family, so stability is a must.

As such, changing yourself to meet her needs, shows your unable to cope with even minor tension. Thus unpredictable in the long term. It is assumed that during your lifetime you will face challenges far greater than a petty argument with your girlfriend.

The main method to correct this , is to in fact have strong core values or purpose. This comes from life experience, encountering a large range of issues, overcoming them and learning from it.

Technically I should just stop here, so you don't try and imitate what follows. Nonetheless, once you have strong core values, usually you decide to react to this situation in these ways:

1) If its a minor annoyance she has, tough, that's just how you are
2) If its a major annoyance, try finding resolutions to her problems while still meeting your own core values
3) If you need to change something fundamental, it needs to look like you did it on your own accord without any influence from her. This applies to the vast majority of girls, even a lot of NT's act like this. After all, relationships are based on emotion.

What mature adult is looking for a mate who has unstable core values and who is willing to change based on someone else's whim? I'd think most of us want someone who has a well-evolved spine, but who cares about your needs/wishes enough to be willing to bend it a little from time to time.

It sounds to me like Vagrant saw a problem growing in the relationship, and wanted to determine its nature so he could address it one way or another. She was unable or unwilling to give him the data he needed in order to act.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I was pretty consistent most of the time. It wasn't over a petty argument. She literally shut down and wouldn't let me in (it was after a near-death in her family, and she became despondent for nearly 2 months [when we had only been together 5 months]). She was basically mindfucking the relationship, and there was nothing I could do. Whether or not I looked unpredictable isn't the point -- you can't just put a relationship on halt to test it. That's asking for it to fail. And I knew that it was failing. But I couldn't figure out what I could do to right it.

I had her take the MBTI test, actually. She scored INTJ. Which made sense, because we just "got" each other.

"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing." -Blaise Pascal

To me, that sums up just why INTJs are not relationship masterminds.

Even between two INTJs, there are significant things that happen (or don't) that I believe can't be rationally explained, or maybe just shouldn't be. Somethings are important, in spite of the fact that they're too delicate to really be parsed logically and still experienced. And some things are too... irrational in nature to be quickly understood or acknowledged by the INTJ who is actually experiencing them.

IMHO, you are lucky not to find your Perfect Mate too early on in life - not that there's anything really wrong with marrying a HS sweetheart, but I think it's good to have time through your twenties to practice, and to get to know yourself in various situations.

[Asinine]

Sounds like an NF chick to me. They may not even know it themselves, just that something doesn't feel right.

Never beg a woman for anything, they take it as a major sign of weakness.

That's a good general rule when dealing with anyone: If one begs for scraps, that's all they'll get. At best, the beggar will be their pet of the moment.

So, unless one is trying to look cute, harmless, or weak deliberately, or just can collect enough scraps en masse to turn it into gold, generally it's not a good idea to go begging...