Stealing a girfriend?

[MetalWounds]

First of all, this is my first post on this forum, and I'm also proud to be classified an Intj. With that said, let me get to the point. My friend (we'll call him John), has a girlfriend (we'll call her Jill), and I have taken quite a liking to her. I know that Jill feels romantically inclined toward myself, however, having a boyfriend stops her from persuing this. My question being, weather or not I can make her my girlfriend, while preserving my friendship with John. I know that this seems like an unaccomplishable task, so who better to consult than the masterminds? Any input will be greatly appriciated.

Thank you.

[Firelie]

I doubt it, unless he happens to be one of those polyamorous guys that doesn't get jealous, or he's secretly wishing to dump her without knowing she's into you. Males aren't biologically programmed to share their mates. It goes against the idea of passing one's DNA on to the next generation.

[AnandaMeansBliss]

My friend, for thousands of years men like you think its possible to have their cake and eat it too. One thing you have going for you is that guys typically don't care if their friends date their ex's. At least I dont--not right away.

[Wildflower]

INFP answer: I think he will hold it against you no matter what he feels/thinks about the gf. Just because a kid is done with a toy doesn't mean they want someone else playing with it and same for most adults when it comes to sexual relationships. I think the best situation is if you can get her to break it off with him, wait a decent amount of time and then ask him if he would be okay with you going out with her.

[deicruxified]

I think the best situation is if you can get her to break it off with him, wait a decent amount of time and then ask him if he would be okay with you going out with her.

what she said. it's the girl's call... well that is if she's really sure she wants you.

[Ijz]

I really don't know much about relationships, but you could try to asses 'John's MBTI type and then try to make an educated guess about how he will react.

[Hdier]

INFP answer: I think he will hold it against you no matter what he feels/thinks about the gf. Just because a kid is done with a toy doesn't mean they want someone else playing with it and same for most adults when it comes to sexual relationships. I think the best situation is if you can get her to break it off with him, wait a decent amount of time and then ask him if he would be okay with you going out with her.

Toy?!?!?! You're saying that the girl is basically just a sex toy? I'm not sure if you are insulting men, woman, or both.

[INTJoe]

If she likes you as much as you think she does, why is she still with John?

[Jezebel]

Toy?!?!?! You're saying that the girl is basically just a sex toy? I'm not sure if you are insulting men, woman, or both.
I'm pretty sure it was meant as an anology and not meant to be taken literally or to insult anyone.


To the OP:
I don't think it's possible to know the outcome of this situation with 100% certainty over the internet. But I suppose if we're going to speculate anyway, more information might help. How long have they been together and how close are they? Do either of them complain about the other?

[banzai]

The only chance for the resolution you're looking for is if she breaks up with him and then waits long enough before moving to you that it doesn't seem like thats why she broke up. Any other route and it's going to look like you took her in some form or another.

[Paul V]

Sorry to be blunt, but I find your position to be immoral. One of the things that makes the world keep going despite how awfully fucked up it is, is the sacrifice of the good people. If I were in your position, I'd try to crush my feelings for her (burying them way deep), and make perfectly clear for her that nothing's going to happen between us while she's dating my friend and for a long while after they've broken up.

If you still want to pursue her, then do the honourable thing and wait until they break up, wait until she gets a rebound, and when she's finished with that guy, then make a move.

I believe that's the only way you'll have a shred of hope at maintaining your friendship with John.

[Wildflower]

Toy?!?!?! You're saying that the girl is basically just a sex toy? I'm not sure if you are insulting men, woman, or both.

I am being flip about human nature and dating. It wasn't meant to be taken literally. I am laughing at the way humans (myself included in that) can be so selfish and egocentric.

[Hdier]

Sorry, I misunderstood you.

[banzai]

But... let us not forget that sometimes they are toys. ;D

[Wildflower]

Sorry, I misunderstood you.

Sorry if I offend you. :)

[The Rose]

First of all, this is my first post on this forum, and I'm also proud to be classified an Intj. With that said, let me get to the point. My friend (we'll call him John), has a girlfriend (we'll call her Jill), and I have taken quite a liking to her. I know that Jill feels romantically inclined toward myself, however, having a boyfriend stops her from persuing this. My question being, weather or not I can make her my girlfriend, while preserving my friendship with John. I know that this seems like an unaccomplishable task, so who better to consult than the masterminds? Any input will be greatly appriciated.

Thank you.No this is not humanly possible.
If she is meant for you, they will break up, and then you can have her.
If they are meant for each other, you wouldn't want her... would you?


Welcome to the forum. :)

[Henry]

First of all, this is my first post on this forum, and I'm also proud to be classified an Intj. With that said, let me get to the point. My friend (we'll call him John), has a girlfriend (we'll call her Jill), and I have taken quite a liking to her. I know that Jill feels romantically inclined toward myself, however, having a boyfriend stops her from persuing this. My question being, weather or not I can make her my girlfriend, while preserving my friendship with John. I know that this seems like an unaccomplishable task, so who better to consult than the masterminds? Any input will be greatly appriciated.

Thank you.

No way. 50/50 chance you're overreading her interest in you. 25/75 chance she'll leave him even if she does have crush, and if she doesn't, 80/20 she tells him. 99/1 chance he'll get seriously pissed in any case.

[Kfbr]

Hoes before bros, man

[MetalWounds]

Well, a lot of smart answers. For those looking for more info, let me attempt to paint a more accurate picture. To start, John would be an atypical male, as he has danced around the topic of "sharing" (however that interests me very little) They have been together less than a year, I'm not sure exactly how long. They have broken up in the past, and this very topic arose between him and I. He told me, (because in previous events, unkown by me, she told him that she was into me) that he could see us together and did not really mind. Weather or not that was genuine, I will never know. Additionally, we are all military enlisted and John and I work together.

[Paul V]

Well, a lot of smart answers. For those looking for more info, let me attempt to paint a more accurate picture. To start, John would be an atypical male, as he has danced around the topic of "sharing" (however that interests me very little) They have been together less than a year, I'm not sure exactly how long. They have broken up in the past, and this very topic arose between him and I. He told me, (because in previous events, unkown by me, she told him that she was into me) that he could see us together and did not really mind. Weather or not that was genuine, I will never know. Additionally, we are all military enlisted and John and I work together.

Let me give you a basic survival tip: Don't anger people with military training. Much less when they know you. Even less if you work with them.

Also, the guy's a moron. Let their relationship fail.

[robin.]

Sorry to be blunt, but I find your position to be immoral. One of the things that makes the world keep going despite how awfully fucked up it is, is the sacrifice of the good people. If I were in your position, I'd try to crush my feelings for her (burying them way deep), and make perfectly clear for her that nothing's going to happen between us while she's dating my friend and for a long while after they've broken up.

If you still want to pursue her, then do the honourable thing and wait until they break up, wait until she gets a rebound, and when she's finished with that guy, then make a move.

I believe that's the only way you'll have a shred of hope at maintaining your friendship with John.
Yep. And I am not at all sorry to be blunt.

Wait until they are not in a relationship anymore. Then go for it. Until then, treat others the way you wish to be treated and all that jazz.

[Firelie]

Holy dysfunctional relationship, Batman!

[Henry]

Well, a lot of smart answers. For those looking for more info, let me attempt to paint a more accurate picture. To start, John would be an atypical male, as he has danced around the topic of "sharing" (however that interests me very little) They have been together less than a year, I'm not sure exactly how long. They have broken up in the past, and this very topic arose between him and I. He told me, (because in previous events, unkown by me, she told him that she was into me) that he could see us together and did not really mind. Weather or not that was genuine, I will never know. Additionally, we are all military enlisted and John and I work together.

And I'd call it at least 75/25 it comes back to negatively impact you career wise in some fashion, albiet minor, or another.

[blueback]

he could see us together and did not really mind. Weather or not that was genuine, I will never know. Additionally, we are all military enlisted and John and I work together.

Cool. I was an aircraft maintainer in the AF and now I'm in officer training. I think I have a better idea what your relationship with John is like than a lot of the non-military people on the board.

Of course, there is no way for any of us to accurately predict what his reaction will be, we would have to know him to do that.

That being said:

* Be careful of the dorm-hos. I don't know that she is one, but I've seen a lot of girls who have daddy issues, a short attention span, and a fetish for military guys. If she's willing to hurt your friend to indulge her appetite for you, then she will probably do the same thing to you when she gets interested in some other guy.

* If your relationship with John is what I think it is, then you will have a hard time losing the friendship. However, that's a call you have to make. It would probably be good if you two talk the subject over before you do anything. I mean, if she starts going out with you, no matter who long after breaking up with him, the truth about how everyone feels about everyone else will eventually come out. Better that you two reach an understanding before she has a chance to try to come between you.

* Unless this chick turns out to be your soul-mate your relationship with her is probably not going to last as long as your relationship with John. Therefore, John comes first. At least that's the way my friends and I have always agreed to do things. Of course, I've never dated one of my friend's exes.

* I can see how it would be hard for him to see the two of you together. On the other hand, I can see how the two of you could share a beer and joke about your "common area of experience." I've seen both situations happen before. That is a prediction you will have to make.

* I suggest, after talking to him and making sure it's okay, start going out with her right away. Waiting a month or two won't change how he ends up feeling about it and by starting right away you will get it over with fast. Seriously, I've seen guys flip out about one of their friends going out with a girl they hadn't dated for a year. Better to just rip the bandage off and see whether or not any blood comes out. At least if you do it fast, and he decides he isn't as cool with it as he thought he would be, you haven't had time to get really attached to her.

* Bros before hos. I guess if she's not a ho then the rule doesn't apply, but most of the girls I've known who get passed around the enlisted force are hos. They can be engaging for a while, but eventually their true ho nature comes out.

[quentin]

Don't do it. Not if you value your friendship. There is no way it will survive if you go out with your friend's girlfriend.

I don't think it's that unusual to be attracted to your friends' girlfriends. You hang out with a person long enough and interact frequently, it's no surprise if feelings develop. She's not just some random stranger, she's a friend of yours by association. My best friend's girlfriend and I, for example, have a mutual admiration society thing going on, and like each other very much. But as mature adults we both know the boundaries, and also as mature adults we are able to handle platonic relationships with the opposite sex with no fuss. Any guy who can't handle a platonic relationship with attractive members of the opposite sex has some maturity issues (I'm 34, if that matters). I care very deeply for my best friend and could never forgive myself if I hurt him by stealing or cheating with the woman that he has professed to me that he wants to marry.

The point is, people should have principles. Stealing a close friend's girlfriend is one of the slimiest things a guy can do. Unless you're so madly in love with her that you know that she's The One, then I can see how that might be acceptable. But it doesn't sound that way from your post - she's just another girl to you. Realize that there are many, many more girls out there that you can meet and hook up with and pursue a relationship with. You have many more choices. Choose someone else.

[Hdier]

Sorry if I offend you. :)

No, I am rational. You offended me at first, but now that I know that it was a simple misunderstanding I am no longer offended.

[Rohsiph]

Stealing from a friend . . . if I was the friend you stole from, then you would be my enemy for a looong time.

Now, I'm a little curious, what might the peanut gallery think about stealing a girl from someone you don't care about at all? (Perhaps this is still helpful to the op, if the friendship isn't particularly all that close?) O_o

[elsdfr]

Why would you want to date a girl who doesn't have the decency to break it off with the other guy first? Even if he is your friend and you're into the whole sharing thing.

You are lucky though. Last time soemthing similar happened to me where the gf of a friend suggested to my mate that she liked me. I ended up with a broken nose and a stay in hospital only after hearing a whisper from her (the guy was a bit protective back then). We didn't speak for a year, thankfully the girl was gone a few weeks later and five years later I am still friends with him.

The whole Military context has this argument skewed though. If she is what she is why are you even asking?

[MetalWounds]

Damn...good answers. Honestly I think I've already figured that out. The only thing I'd gain in the end is a girl who's already inclined on cheating. (Some say that people change but I've yet to witness that myself) And I'd say dorm ho, is at least 45% appliccable. Thanks for posting. (I'm also an AF member by the way) I't doesn't really matter anyway, as I'm about to go on an 8 month, all expenses paid vacation to the land of sand, sun, and improvised explosive devices.

[rwyatt365]

Damn...good answers. Honestly I think I've already figured that out. The only thing I'd gain in the end is a girl who's already inclined on cheating. (Some say that people change but I've yet to witness that myself) And I'd say dorm ho, is at least 45% appliccable. Thanks for posting. (I'm also an AF member by the way) I't doesn't really matter anyway, as I'm about to go on an 8 month, all expenses paid vacation to the land of sand, sun, and improvised explosive devices.
Good choice! You figured it out (with some assistance ;) ) before I had a chance to respond.

...but just as a parting shot - she's obviously not the "relationship type". You're better off passing on her (even if she drops into your lap). I think that your friend has figured that out and is tyring to hand her off to you. Move on and enjoy your "vacation".

[Hypomanic]

If she likes you as much as you think she does, why is she still with John?

Heh. Yeah as a girl I'm telling you to ask yourself that. She may be playing you both. :thinking:

* Hypomanic added to this post, 1 minutes and 38 seconds later...

Damn...good answers. Honestly I think I've already figured that out. The only thing I'd gain in the end is a girl who's already inclined on cheating.

Smart.

[thecraig]

Stealing from a friend . . . if I was the friend you stole from, then you would be my enemy for a looong time.

Now, I'm a little curious, what might the peanut gallery think about stealing a girl from someone you don't care about at all? (Perhaps this is still helpful to the op, if the friendship isn't particularly all that close?) O_o

To answer the peanut gallery question:

Any girl worth STEALING from another guy, will not willingly go along with it. Any girl you can do this to is therefore not worth having. If you can steal her from some guy she can be stolen from you. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and any one engaging in such activities are of low morals and probably not that bright as the probability that stealing some one's love interest will lead to unneeded problems later, like the exboyfreind comeing for his vengence on you.

[L30]

1. honor: don't steal. Especially don't steal from friends. In particular don't steal women..

2. wisdom: betrayal is in blood. The girl will one day betray you too, as she would now betray your friend.

3. convenience: women come and go, friends stay. If you do this you gain little but lose a friend and make an enemy.

Leave them alone.

[Rohsiph]

To answer the peanut gallery question:

Any girl worth STEALING from another guy, will not willingly go along with it. Any girl you can do this to is therefore not worth having. If you can steal her from some guy she can be stolen from you. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and any one engaging in such activities are of low morals and probably not that bright as the probability that stealing some one's love interest will lead to unneeded problems later, like the exboyfreind comeing for his vengence on you.

Makes sense. Indeed, a dishonest act as a foundation would be telling of the foundation being quite faulty to begin with . . .

I still wonder how far one would constitute stealing: to pose a hypothetical argument to one who is involved, who would break off with a lesser figure of his/her own volition, is this still stealing? Can one remain ethically sound interacting with someone involved in even a slightly suggestive way, or must one remain beyond arms length, forced to swallow feelings & the hope of ever getting an opportunity to meet the other on equal ground, until (if ever) that equal ground appears naturally?

[quentin]

To answer the peanut gallery question:

Any girl worth STEALING from another guy, will not willingly go along with it. Any girl you can do this to is therefore not worth having. If you can steal her from some guy she can be stolen from you. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and any one engaging in such activities are of low morals and probably not that bright as the probability that stealing some one's love interest will lead to unneeded problems later, like the exboyfreind comeing for his vengence on you.

I disagree. Most relationships, the majority of relationships, are doomed to break apart eventually. Another person that she likes better may be just the excuse to hasten a failed relationship to its natural end.

I think "stealing" is a bad metaphor in any case. Girlfriends are not property. Unless you're married and have the responsibility of kids, you should be free to leave at any time if things aren't working out. If she likes you better than her current boyfriend, then what does that say about her current relationship? Not much good. Just because he got there first, before you, doesn't automatically make him a better match for her.

Also, there's the fact that 90% of the good ones are already taken. Anyone worth pursuing is very likely already in a relationship. Just wait for her to have the decency to break up with her current boyfriend first. Cheating with her behind her boyfriend's back is not only immoral but potentially dangerous.

[Solnath]

Good news: if she's willing to dump him for you, she likes you more.
Bad news: for now.

Good news: if you don't steal her away, you'll get a positive feeling because obviously you've gone with what your moral indoctrination tells you to do and it rewards you with a pleasurable sensation.
Bad news: you'll still be single. Plus, the system has won.

Good news: if you don't like the guy enough, you won't have problems harming him.
Bad news: he might like you little enough to pay back.

Good news: you're considering her well-being as well.
Bad news: WHY!?

Look out for number one always. Maybe it's bros before hos or it's hos before bros, but it's always me over others.

And I am not a nihilist, they said.

[MetalWounds]

Well, there certainly are quite a few intelligent and varying answers. I've reached the conclusion that, heuristically speaking it would be in my best interest to leave things alone for now. When I come back from my deployment, 8 months from now, I will see how things are and go from there. Case closed?

[elsdfr]

Fair call, all the best with the deployment. Sorry if I came of as being crass with the "why bother with her comment" as I guess its difficult leaving the country like that, I to would like to think someone really cared (and not just my mum), perhaps I'm reading a bit much into it though.

Perhaps you can keep us posted?

[MetalWounds]

Sure, I'll try to update my situation whenever neccesary. Thanks for all the input out there.

[Wildflower]

To answer the peanut gallery question:

Any girl worth STEALING from another guy, will not willingly go along with it. Any girl you can do this to is therefore not worth having. If you can steal her from some guy she can be stolen from you. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and any one engaging in such activities are of low morals and probably not that bright as the probability that stealing some one's love interest will lead to unneeded problems later, like the exboyfreind comeing for his vengence on you.


I don't even know if "stealing" is the right word in dating situations. If the person is finding they are not compatible with their bf/gf and they break up with that person, then it was something they tried and did not work out. It is just dating. It is normal to go through a variety of people in this process.

People now try to treat dating as seriously as marriage or other form of committed relationship and that seems to defeat the point of dating to begin with. Dating is getting out there and finding out who you work with and who you don't and what you like and what you don't. Just because she isn't happy with John doesn't mean she has low morals. It depends on how she handles being bored or unhappy with him that matters most.

I still say ask the girl to be the one to handle this situation with John, if she is so unsatisfied with him, have her break it off with him and then after a grace period ask John if he would mind if you started dating her.

[danalaina]

If she likes you as much as you think she does, why is she still with John?

that was the second thing that occurred to me.

the first thing was, why would you be into in a chick who's making it clear she's interested in people outside her (assuming) committed relationship?

seems like you're setting yourself up to fail there. though - pardon the cliche - you only find what you're looking for. if i were in your position, i'd chew that thought to bits until i'd figured out the why. 's just my nature.