INTJ signs of withdrawing from a current relationship?

[bluebirdsky]

Ok, this is going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance but I really need to get this out and get everyone's advice on what to do here. I am currently in a relationship with an INTJ that has been going on for about 1-2 months. We've known each other for 4-5 months before we started dating. We're both a little older (he's 37 and I'm 30) and have both been through multiple relationships in the past, mostly all of them healthy.

Recently over the past month I've had some health issues that have led to outpatient surgery and hospital stays, but am on the mend. This relationship is different from all my past relationships for many reasons. First, my health problems have been present almost since the beginning of our relationship, which can throw a wrinkle into any new relationship. Second, this INTJ (I've dated other INTJs before) is a very friendly, socially-normalized person but seems very reserved in expressing his feelings for me both physically and verbally. However, almost from the beginning he was very forward about wanting to have sex with me. I've told him that I'm not comfortable having sex until I'm married or at least am in a very commited relationship where we both love each other and are emotionally connected to each other. This is not to say that we don't mess around, we do just not intercourse. He has expressed that he needs sex to feel connected to me in the way I need him to. I've told him that I need emotional connectedness before I would even think of having sex with someone so it seems that our relationship "sequence" is different....not abnormal I think given how men and women differ on their thoughts on sex in general.

Lately he seems more and more distant to me. This could just be my take on things I don't know. We've seen each other, aside from an ER visit, only once in 2 weeks when I invited him over for dinner. When we see each other we kiss hello and good-bye and that's about all the physical contact we have unless I give him a hug or something, which he weakly responds to (why does he feel comfortable asking for sex but not reciprocating a hug?). He's called a couple times and texted and emailed several times, but it feels like he's pulling away. We had a conversation about expectations and I realized that I was further along in the relationship than he was ( I was at step 4 and he was still at step 1). So I told him that I didn't want to have any unrealistic expectations of him and that I'd drop back to a 1 and wait for him to catch up. To me this meant not calling or asking to hang out with him, but let him do the initiating when he felt comfortable and I'd take my que from him. I didn't want to smother him and I am not generally a needy or clingy person...being an "I" myself I really value my alone time too. Well now after doing this for a couple weeks it feels like he's not interested anymore. I say this because I get no clues from him that he is: He doesn't tell me he's interested, he's not physically affectionate, and he hasn't been spending much time with me without me initiating it. So I feel like I am getting no input from him. I really like him and have told him this several times, though I have to admit that I'm about the world's worst at initiating physical contact, though I really want it. I would like to salvage this relationship but don't know if he does. So (finally) here are my questions to you all:

1. Do you think he's pulling away and wants to end the relationship?
2. Do you think I should talk to him about the fact that I feel like I'm losing him?
3. Do you think he's just not sure how to proceed due to the fact that I won't have sex with him? I know this is a big deal for guys, but I've never had it be this much of an issue in past relationships.
4. What can I do to figure this out and is there a fix for this situation that doesn't make me look like I'm needy, crazy, angry, or frustrated?

I'd really appreciate any feedback on this, especially from those INTJs out there that have been in relationships before!

[ElstonGunn]

I thought you said you were going to go back to "Step 1" of your relationship with him. It doesn't look like you've done that.

[bluebirdsky]

What does step 1 look like to an INTJ?

[rara avis]

I certainly don't speak for the whole INTJ spectrum, but if I am in a relationship where I do care and am interested, I will be involved - particularly in terms of making myself useful, noticeable, to some degree. I'm not so much with the earnest demos of affection, not much with fireworks and swoopiness and constant togetherness, but I will be present... if only for the sake of my own narcissism. :rolleyes:

Either way, if he isn't present, if he isn't giving you what you need and want, I vote: cut him loose. If you can't cut him loose from your feelings while still in nebulous contact with him, then cut him off. He may come wandering back in, oblivious, in which case you can then make your case clear - but cross that bridge when you come to it. I don't know you or him or your particulars, but that's my general take on it...

In your position, I'd just want to draw a line for myself, so as not to feel that I'm endlessly, indecisively tapering off into uncertainty about someone. But that often has to be an internal thing, I think.

It doesn't sound like you're in a position where you need the extra drama - unless you're kinda entertained by it, in some way.





rara avis added to this post, 2 minutes and 48 seconds later...

What does step 1 look like to an INTJ?

I think INTJ Step 1 usually involves a lot of over-analysis and vaguely stalkerish behavior, widely circling your subject. Possibly discussing them endlessly on an online forum. Little direct interaction with said subject. :)

[bluebirdsky]

Thanks for your input! I've been contemplating cutting him loose because I'm not really the kind of person who sticks around in relationships that don't give me what I need...I'm usually the one doing the leaving. However I thought that he might just need some extra time to figure out what he wants, to figure out how to tell me, and to let my health problems blow over.

[rara avis]

It's surprisingly difficult, I find, trying to decide how much to be flexible in a relationship with someone. I'm not good with the gray areas like that, when it's something important to me. It's hard to make the calls that are somewhere in between "my-way-or-the-highway" and passivity.

So. Don't just take my advice. :)

[wotsamattaU]

Does he understand you are not initiating because you are trying to take your cues from him? Have that discussion with him. It's possible he's reading your lack of initiation in any sense as your pulling away, despite you're telling him you like him.

Your actions are conflicting with your words; at least it could be looked at from that perspective.

I think your best bet is to broach the topic that you sense him pulling away, and is this correct? Then explain what you have been doing (or not doing) and why. You two may just need to be more clear on your expectations and actions.

[MaleVolentworld]

He wants sex now, you want to wait. He won't give you affection and is being distant.

Looks like he's not in it for the long term and just wants some hanky panky.

[Shintei Maki]

It becomes awkward because he probably enjoys having people at arm's length of him, and regrets people walking away, but paradoxically he can't stand to allow another being to come anywhere near that arm's length into his personal sphere of real intimacy.
After a while it can get really uncomfortable. It becomes best to give it a little time, and sort it non-judgementally. If he ever feel he's trapped, it's over.

[mtsui]

are you sure he's INTJ? He sounds like an ISTP by the sounds of it.

Like the poster above, give him time and stick true to your beliefs. Just be yourself.

[Oxphocker]

I know this is a very late post...but it's a good example for others to read on...and maybe bluebird can give us a trip report on if things ever worked out?

I'm actually in a situation like this right now but I'm the INTJ and she's the ISTJ.

First off, he's basically told you what the problem is and you're not seeing it. Here you have a very reserved individual actually being forward and making advances and you've pretty much put your boot on his throat saying, "I don't accept your advances." While for many of the Exxx's this would be just a speedbump and a clue to try harder, you've shut down someone who already very inwardly focused. If he's truly INTJ, then he probably thought about it a TON before being so forward...would you like having your face slammed in the screen door?

It doesn't surprise me that he's withdrawn because I'm dealing with the same right now...my ISTJ won't open up to me and I've gotten to the point that I'm tired of trying to play the lead all the time. Instead of withdrawing as well (which will probably end the relationship) you need to turn it around and dial it way up to show you're actually in the relationship and are serious.

[LifesEcstasy]

1. Do you think he's pulling away and wants to end the relationship?
2. Do you think I should talk to him about the fact that I feel like I'm losing him?
3. Do you think he's just not sure how to proceed due to the fact that I won't have sex with him?
4. What can I do to figure this out and is there a fix for this situation that doesn't make me look like I'm needy, crazy, angry, or frustrated?

I'd really appreciate any feedback on this, especially from those INTJs out there that have been in relationships before!

Ok I'm female, just putting that out there first. Yes I do think your requirements for sex are most likely the issue. He probably thinks it's just not worth the effort to be honest. Since you've defined sex as happening only when you feel suitably nutured, loved, connected and cared for he's probably thinking that's a target he has no control over and probably very little influence over. At worst he may even have interpreted it as a no sex before engagement kind of thing and decided that's not for him.

Anyone is going to want to know that a relationship is progressing in order to remain interested. He may not be aware that he is progressing with you, feels frustrated and has decided to move on. You are perfectly entitled to have sex when you feel ready, he is equally entitled to consider that he's given it a go and will not be able to satisfy your needs in that regard.

To be honest I don't think there is anything to salvage here. If you are both mismatched on this issue should salvaging it be part of your plan anyway? My advice would be to take this as a signal that he's probably not the one for you and move on.

[Berserker]

Slowly cutting off interaction is my main method.

If it is someone I care/cared deeply for, I would be upfront about it. Say you want to talk about your problems, we'll work on them. Ignore them, pretend everything is fine, then it'll be him worrying he's the only one feeling the negative part of your relationship.