Does thinking too much affect your physical relationship with your mate?

[SeekingHim80]

Please forgive me if this topic has already been visited; I tried searching for similar posts but did not find anything.

I think all of the time about all different things. This usually keeps me out of trouble. However, when it comes to bedroom activities, this seems to get me into more trouble than it helps. I tend to start thinking about things she has said before or what she might want or some other random thing. Usually it affects my mood which in turn affects my ability to perform. Has anyone had similar problems? Does anyone have any ideas on how I can not let my thinking part take over in these situations?

Thank you so much!

[Kfbr]

Get drunk and null that NT, works for me! :cheers:

[Henry]

Get drunk and null that NT, works for me! :cheers:

Getting drunk not recommended if functioning is an issue. Tipsy, eh, could go either way, but drunk? No.



If you can't stop using NT during sex, I'd recommend finding a more interesting lover. If that's not an option, try partaking in very graphic adult material or something to get yourself back in touch with sexuality. Or, if overconsumption of graphic material is leading you to thinking sexual activity with partner is boring then stop partaking graphic material.

[SeekingHim80]

Thanks for the replies! Lol, I don't think I'll be finding a more interesting partner, due to the fact that we're married. Plus, we both already tried that; that's part of the problem. It's often difficult to not think about past experiences. What you liked ... the porn really wouldn't work either because I am totally blind; unless someone knows where I can find some copies in braille.

Seriously, I can go so far into my own mind that I sort of detach my body. That's what it seems like at times.

BTW, drunk sex is pretty fun. It does seem to keep me from thinking too much; lol. Do you ever have periods where you think so much that it interferes with your ability to participate in other activities?

[Solnath]

Doesn't matter anymore to me. I've passed the emotional/spiritual deep bonding necessity phase already. If I like them at all and there's any sexual attraction, I'm game, and then I go all the way. Pun intended.

[OneBadMother]

I think that thinking too much can deepen or break my relationship with someone. If I think they're awesome and wonderful, thinking about what makes them that way will make me like them that much more. If I think they're far from it and can find no redeeming traits in my eyes, thinking enough about it might spring me to break it off. As for thinking in general about things, I hope that whoever I am with will also think too much. :P

[quentin]

If your mind keeps drifting off during sex, you need to check your libido. Perhaps you have an unusually low sex drive. Or you're just not that into your lover, in which case dump him/her and find someone who excites you more. This is not an INTJ thing.

[SeekingHim80]

If your mind keeps drifting off during sex, you need to check your libido. Perhaps you have an unusually low sex drive. Or you're just not that into your lover, in which case dump him/her and find someone who excites you more. This is not an INTJ thing.

Please don't get me wrong. When we make love, it's amazing. She is truly tallented. It's just those times when stress or irritation or some other thing causes me to start thinking about something. Once i start thinking, it's often very difficult for me to turn it off. There are a lot of times when I get juiced, and nothing can distract me; however, there are many times when my intravertedness is overwhelming.

[Diva]

Please don't get me wrong. When we make love, it's amazing. She is truly tallented. It's just those times when stress or irritation or some other thing causes me to start thinking about something. Once i start thinking, it's often very difficult for me to turn it off. There are a lot of times when I get juiced, and nothing can distract me; however, there are many times when my intravertedness is overwhelming.

Yeah, how to switch off thinking is more difficult than to start it up.
Rule #1, no thinking in s*x, just do it.

[SeekingHim80]

Yeah, how to switch off thinking is more difficult than to start it up.
Rule #1, no thinking in s*x, just do it.



It's not something I intentionally do. She's just not big on talking, so anything I think has to stay inside.

[Diva]

It's not something I intentionally do. She's just not big on talking, so anything I think has to stay inside.

For sure, you didn't do it intentionally. It is a sign that the passion between you guys is fading. You can try role play or change locations to have s*x from time to time.

[SeekingHim80]

Yeah; that does seem to add a nice twist to things. We've been married for seven years now. We really do have to find things to keep our relationship new and exciting. That's not really a problem.

Because of the differences in the way we relate and express our needs and wants, there has been a lot of stress in this area. I try to be sensative and romantic. All she wants is for me to be rough and passionate. I don't do the rough thing very well. I can't quite seem to get it right. I am so afraid of losing control. I am fairly strong, and I get very angry easily. I fear hurting people in my anger. She gets angry and frustrated and just wants me to get on her level. This caries over to sex.

As an ENTJ woman, do you find it difficult to relate with people who are more intraverted? Men and women communicate differently to begin with; add to that the differences between extraverted and intraverted personalities, and everything becomes much more complicated. Would someone have to be as assertive and determined as you are in order for you to be close to them?

My wife is an ENTJ as well. She doesn't really respect people who are not as intense as she is. I am as intense; I just don't externalize my intensity. You have to connect with me (not my shield) before you can see it. I cannot figure out how to communicate this to her.

[The Many]

Because of the differences in the way we relate and express our needs and wants, there has been a lot of stress in this area. I try to be sensative and romantic. All she wants is for me to be rough and passionate. I don't do the rough thing very well. I can't quite seem to get it right. I am so afraid of losing control. I am fairly strong, and I get very angry easily. I fear hurting people in my anger. She gets angry and frustrated and just wants me to get on her level. This caries over to sex.

Ehrm. I'm not sure she'd mind it too much if you'd lose control if she also wants you to be rough. Have you discussed BDSM and that kind of things?

[SeekingHim80]

Ehrm. I'm not sure she'd mind it too much if you'd lose control if she also wants you to be rough. Have you discussed BDSM and that kind of things?



No. I don't know what that is.

[Solnath]

It's not something I intentionally do. She's just not big on talking, so anything I think has to stay inside.

Communicate through grunts and panting. Hey, it might work.

[SeekingHim80]

Communicate through grunts and panting. Hey, it might work.



You know, that's a good idea! Lol!

[Diva]

Yeah; that does seem to add a nice twist to things. We've been married for seven years now. We really do have to find things to keep our relationship new and exciting. That's not really a problem.

Because of the differences in the way we relate and express our needs and wants, there has been a lot of stress in this area. I try to be sensative and romantic. All she wants is for me to be rough and passionate. I don't do the rough thing very well. I can't quite seem to get it right. I am so afraid of losing control. I am fairly strong, and I get very angry easily. I fear hurting people in my anger. She gets angry and frustrated and just wants me to get on her level. This caries over to sex.

errhm, carry argument over to sex seems something you guys need to avoid regardless. I can fully understand what you mean, since i had the similar experience with my INTJ partner, but we fixed it.

ENTJ and INTJ are both intense and strong people. I notice, in general, ENTJ are more expressive and forceful than INTJ, and they try to gain control by aggression, or by bushing the limit one step further over and over again - in order to test if they still have the control over themselves, the relationship, or the environment around them. INTJ, on the other hand, tend to keep the control in a more passive manner, by detachment or withdrawing from the situation. Though these are seemingly different defensive mechanisms (one is passive, and the other is active), the underlying reason is the same. Both types need to be independent and gain autonomy, and for sure they don't want to be controlled. In order to solve the communication problem in your relationship; both of you need to understand this.

The key point is, to work out with an ENTJ, both sides need to learn to comprise and show respect to each other. Sometimes you need to control your anger and try to tell her something like 'darling, you are right...I agree...but I think, blahblahblah would be better/ can improve further..the next time.' (The way of the expression is very important, you know what i mean..) Never use harsh criticisms. ENTJ generally have high standards and are very critical to themselves already. I don't think ENTJ are able to handle harsh criticisms from their significant other with gentle, because of the pressure they feel towards themselves. I believe if you show respect, as a NT she will be willing to communicate openly.

As an ENTJ woman, do you find it difficult to relate with people who are more intraverted? Men and women communicate differently to begin with; add to that the differences between extraverted and intraverted personalities, and everything becomes much more complicated. Would someone have to be as assertive and determined as you are in order for you to be close to them?

My wife is an ENTJ as well. She doesn't really respect people who are not as intense as she is. I am as intense; I just don't externalize my intensity. You have to connect with me (not my shield) before you can see it. I cannot figure out how to communicate this to her.

I don't find it is difficult to relate with introverts. My past experiences show that it is rather easy to build up friendship with other extroverts, but the relationship with INTJ usually enters a profound level. I think I can see through my INTJ partner and understand his thinking without he speaks it out, and so does he. The connection is at a deeper level. Maybe it is chemistry, or some magic.

Sorry for the quick reply. There are so many things to tell, but time is limited. I hope it can help a bit anyway.

Well, what's your experience? What kind of female characters do you like most?

[SeekingHim80]

Well, what's your experience? What kind of female characters do you like most?



Honestly, she's everything I could ever want. It was her ENTJ characteristics that atracted me to her in the beginning. those same traits keep me coming back for more. I love that she is so head strong and determined. I love that she is an awesome communicater. She's agressive and forward. Yet she has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in a person. She is my everything. It doesn't matter to her that I cannot see with my natural eyes.

That leads me to another question. Do you think it would bother you if the closest person to you could not see you?

I am sorry for all of the questions. I just want to understand. this is a huge issue in our relationship.

[Diva]

Honestly, she's everything I could ever want. It was her ENTJ characteristics that atracted me to her in the beginning. those same traits keep me coming back for more. I love that she is so head strong and determined. I love that she is an awesome communicater. She's agressive and forward. Yet she has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in a person. She is my everything. It doesn't matter to her that I cannot see with my natural eyes.

That leads me to another question. Do you think it would bother you if the closest person to you could not see you?

I am sorry for all of the questions. I just want to understand. this is a huge issue in our relationship.

Wow, i am even touched by your love for her. Love her, then show it to her. She will understand and cherish.

OK, back to the point. So I see, you cannot see in a normal way....But if you guys overcame this difficulty and came together seven years ago, why would it be a problem now? Or you couldn't see anymore after you get married? I don't have a similar experience, but i can imagine. Well, this can be complicated. It all boils down to how much you guys love each other. How much she loves you? If you two are connected profoundly and deeply, all difficulties can be overcome -- not a problem for two strong minds. The point is, how strong the emotional bond is between she and you. It's important to make it clear, is she willing to travel with you of this life journey to the end even if you cannot see her? Have you showed your confidence of your relationship her? Otherwise, she may feel insecure in the relationship, i guess. (This part is not related with ENTJ females, that's for all females in fact.)

Hope my comments doesn't hurt your feelings. I just try to help. :thinking::embarassed:

[The Many]

No. I don't know what that is.

BDSM = Bondage/Domination/Submission/Sado-Masochism. Essentially what most people consider to be extremely perverted sex, but there are some strong psychological mechanisms involved in this. I mean, as you mentioned she wanted you to be rough, which is essentially equal to a lighter version of this. Maybe I'm rambling, but some form of domination games might be of your interest.

Although, if you cannot see her it probably wouldn't work at all. What is (excuse my bluntness here) the problem with your eyes?

[SeekingHim80]

The Many, yeah. We really haven't tried that. It does sound like it would help though. Hmmm. I'll have to mention that.

Diva, thank you for your responses. That does help. she is extremely insecure due to a lot of things that happened before I met her. I try so hard to help her heal, but it seems as if I only cause her more pain. When I tell her that she is beautiful, she cannot except my complements. Sometimes, she thinks I am being stupid. Her desire to be physically beautiful and attractive to someone caused her to cheat on me. In the end, I cheated as well. We worked through it all, and reconciliated. I realize that a lot of this stuff is just female stuff and not personality specific. I do think that our personality types affect how we relate to each other and handle the general stresses and problems in life. I cannot help but to think that if I weren't so introverted, she would like me more. I have to analyze everything I say before I say it. It frustrates me too, but it's who I am.

We are reading a book on Social Intelligence. It's fascinating. Some of the research has shown that our brains try to imitate the expressions we see in other people as we converse. This helps to empathize with others. So much of conversation is visual. It's sort of ironic, huh?

I have a condition called Peter's anomaly. My eyes never fully developed. It's an interesting challenge. I always say, "to live in darkness is to see by a different light."

[The Many]

Diva, thank you for your responses. That does help. she is extremely insecure due to a lot of things that happened before I met her. I try so hard to help her heal, but it seems as if I only cause her more pain. When I tell her that she is beautiful, she cannot except my complements. Sometimes, she thinks I am being stupid. Her desire to be physically beautiful and attractive to someone caused her to cheat on me. In the end, I cheated as well. We worked through it all, and reconciliated. I realize that a lot of this stuff is just female stuff and not personality specific. I do think that our personality types affect how we relate to each other and handle the general stresses and problems in life. I cannot help but to think that if I weren't so introverted, she would like me more. I have to analyze everything I say before I say it. It frustrates me too, but it's who I am.

Hmm. Being insecure and involved in BDSM is generally not a good thing. There are things that can go wrong and they won't be pretty due to the high level of psychology involved... I recommend you read up on it seriously before trying anything out.

And once again excuse the bluntness but... how can you see what is written on here then?

[SeekingHim80]

And once again excuse the bluntness but... how can you see what is written on here then?


I use software that reads the computer screen to me. It’s pretty cool. It’s annoying because it sounds like an alien, but it opens up an entire world of information to me.

[The Many]

I use software that reads the computer screen to me. It’s pretty cool. It’s annoying because it sounds like an alien, but it opens up an entire world of information to me.

That's really cool. You're the blind version of Steven Hawking :p.

However I'm not sure if you really should be involved in punishing someone (in BDSM plays) if you can't see them. At least not through conventional means... You might work something out though.

[Diva]

That's really cool. You're the blind version of Steven Hawking :p.

However I'm not sure if you really should be involved in punishing someone (in BDSM plays) if you can't see them. At least not through conventional means... You might work something out though.

Hey Jad, indeed you are really cool. And high tech nowadays can change people's life so drastically. Please excuse my curiosity, how do you manage to type in all the texts in the proper positions?

Well, I guess if Jad would use BDSM, it wouldn't be for punishment, rather it would be for the new excitement and passion for their relationship. Am I right, Jad?




Diva, thank you for your responses. That does help. she is extremely insecure due to a lot of things that happened before I met her. I try so hard to help her heal, but it seems as if I only cause her more pain. When I tell her that she is beautiful, she cannot except my complements. Sometimes, she thinks I am being stupid. Her desire to be physically beautiful and attractive to someone caused her to cheat on me. In the end, I cheated as well. We worked through it all, and reconciliated. I realize that a lot of this stuff is just female stuff and not personality specific. I do think that our personality types affect how we relate to each other and handle the general stresses and problems in life. I cannot help but to think that if I weren't so introverted, she would like me more. I have to analyze everything I say before I say it. It frustrates me too, but it's who I am.

Yeah, I felt it that your wife might somehow insecure. We don't know what have happened exactly; but I guess there must be a beautiful love story behind you two. :lovestruck:

Your description of the problem in your relationship is still brief, so i try to express my view based on some assumptions. One thing I would remark is that it is important for you, in this relationship, to feel secure in the first place. Try to build confidence of the two of you, and communicate with her openly. Communication is always the best method to resolve misunderstandings. Well, in fact the moment you mentioned your thinking too much, I recognized that it's a symbol of your insecurity in this relationship. (Don't worry, everyone has the insecure part.) I would suggest now, that don't bother about how she feels about you, don't bother about what she would think if you couldn't see her, first you need to show her you managed to behave confident and stand like a man through all the difficulties. (I think it is what she meant by she wanted you to be rough and passionate.--not only in sex, but for life.) If you show your energy and passion for life to her, I'm sure she will sense it and admire you for that. (ENTJ women want to admire their spouse, in one way or another.) Believe me, all females can sense a man with passion and hope for life (no matter what his appearance is, no matter if you could see her or not), it is sexy. And then, she gonna change her attitude towards you.

that's my two cents for you.

Let me know how you think about it? :)


ohhh i nearly forgot, keep the past things all in the past. You two both need to get synchronized and agree to have a fresh mind to start a brand 'new' relationship together. Don't bother and don't use your imaginations to think what might happen to her or to you in the past affairs. History is only history, it happened and we cannot rewrite it. Throw all bad history away. From today on, record reset to zero. And it is the only way to make it work out.
of course, this advice is only applied if you really really want to continue with her. Otherwise, you could always change to a new relationship.

I try to cheer you up. Good luck Jad!

[SeekingHim80]

that's my two cents for you.

Let me know how you think about it?



Thank you for the advice. It is difficult to not withdraw into my own mind to get away from pain and disappointment. This makes me seem weak, and it makes her feel rejected. Getting on the same page is very crucial. As in all relationships, synchronizing is imperative and yet dependent on so many factors.

Again, thank you for all of your responses. I believe that I have a lot to go on now.

The software I use tells me where the text fields are.

Yes, we do need to find some good ways to get excited about being with each other.

You all have been so helpful. Thank you!

[The Many]

Hey Jad, indeed you are really cool. And high tech nowadays can change people's life so drastically. Please excuse my curiosity, how do you manage to type in all the texts in the proper positions?

Well, I guess if Jad would use BDSM, it wouldn't be for punishment, rather it would be for the new excitement and passion for their relationship. Am I right, Jad?

Of course it would be for the excitement and the passion, but the point of it is (usually) the punishment. That is the excitement and passion.

[Diva]

Thank you for the advice. It is difficult to not withdraw into my own mind to get away from pain and disappointment. This makes me seem weak, and it makes her feel rejected. Getting on the same page is very crucial. As in all relationships, synchronizing is imperative and yet dependent on so many factors.

Again, thank you for all of your responses. I believe that I have a lot to go on now.

The software I use tells me where the text fields are.

Yes, we do need to find some good ways to get excited about being with each other.

You all have been so helpful. Thank you!

Hi Jad, can fully understand what you mean. The feelings of betrayal can be self-destructive. Therefore, we need to learn to forgive and forget. Control the NT side but use more feeling function to cope with emotions. Generally, I have a positive feeling about your relationship. You guys have gone through so many up-and-downs. Don't give it up that easily.


Of course it would be for the excitement and the passion, but the point of it is (usually) the punishment. That is the excitement and passion.

Get it, lol...

[Danisty]

Honestly, she's everything I could ever want. It was her ENTJ characteristics that atracted me to her in the beginning. those same traits keep me coming back for more. I love that she is so head strong and determined. I love that she is an awesome communicater. She's agressive and forward. Yet she has the biggest heart that I have ever seen in a person. She is my everything. It doesn't matter to her that I cannot see with my natural eyes.You've just described my husband who is also an ENTJ. It's the ENTJ traits that also attracted me to him.

That leads me to another question. Do you think it would bother you if the closest person to you could not see you?

I am sorry for all of the questions. I just want to understand. this is a huge issue in our relationship.Please don't take this as me trivializing your condition, but I think it would be fairly exciting to be involved with a person who couldn't see me. In my mind, I imagine it making things more physical.

Diva, thank you for your responses. That does help. she is extremely insecure due to a lot of things that happened before I met her. I try so hard to help her heal, but it seems as if I only cause her more pain.I had this problem with my husband too. His mother is an abusive alcoholic, so he came into this relationship with a lot of baggage. I'm not sure if this is an ENTJ trait or simply a trait of someone who has been abused in some way, but I've noticed that he tends to distrust me when I try to help him. He generally feels like it's a hand-out or that it isn't genuine. He often tells me it's stuff he has to work out on his own and I can't help. We made an agreement. I backed off and he kept me updated on how he was doing.

[SeekingHim80]

You've just described my husband who is also an ENTJ. It's the ENTJ traits that also attracted me to him.

Please don't take this as me trivializing your condition, but I think it would be fairly exciting to be involved with a person who couldn't see me. In my mind, I imagine it making things more physical.

I had this problem with my husband too. His mother is an abusive alcoholic, so he came into this relationship with a lot of baggage. I'm not sure if this is an ENTJ trait or simply a trait of someone who has been abused in some way, but I've noticed that he tends to distrust me when I try to help him. He generally feels like it's a hand-out or that it isn't genuine. He often tells me it's stuff he has to work out on his own and I can't help. We made an agreement. I backed off and he kept me updated on how he was doing.




Danisty, thank you for your response! The "I've got to work it out on my own" thing really bothers me. I think that if you could handle it on your own, then you wouldn't be in the situation in the first place.

It does make things more physical. She just needs to feel beautiful. Do you think you would be able to accept someone telling you that you are beautiful if you knew that they could not see you? To her, it's like saying that the food she cooks is good without ever tasting it. What she doesn't realize is that I can garentee that what ever she cooks is going to be good; just like I can garentee that if she is happy, she is beautiful.

Maybe one of you can tell me how to word that so that she will understand it.

Her way of communicating her frustrations with me is pointing out my flaws. She will say something mean and rude to me to tell me that she is not happy. What she wants is for me to acknowledge what she is saying and change. Wen she does this, it hurts me, and I withdraw. This in turn makes her think that I don't care about her feelings. My way of responding to her criticism is to explain why I do the things I do. She thinks that I am just defending myself. In a way I am, but mainly, I want her to understand me. The miscommunication is so destructive. Her approach is explosive. My approach is implosive. Because of this, we never really meet in the middle. How do you handle this?

[Danisty]

Danisty, thank you for your response! The "I've got to work it out on my own" thing really bothers me. I think that if you could handle it on your own, then you wouldn't be in the situation in the first place.It is very annoying. In my hubby's case, he couldn't have helped any of his problems because he was the victim. Still, I used to feel that if we're married it's OUR problem, not just his and he should let me help him. In a way though, I see how I couldn't have helped him. It seems to me that your wife has some insecurity issues and that's compounded by the fact that she's wants you do do something she thinks you can't do.

It does make things more physical. She just needs to feel beautiful. Do you think you would be able to accept someone telling you that you are beautiful if you knew that they could not see you? To her, it's like saying that the food she cooks is good without ever tasting it. What she doesn't realize is that I can garentee that what ever she cooks is going to be good; just like I can garentee that if she is happy, she is beautiful.Surely though you know what your wife looks like! You've probably touched every square inch of her body thousands of times. If someone hadn't tasted my food, but they said it was great, I would assume they smelled it. I'm sorry this isn't helping much. It's much easier for me to see things from your perspective I guess. I don't know if telling her these things would help or not. For what it's worth, I'm not the kind of woman most men would find physically attractive, but my husband tells me I am and while I question his judgment, I do believe he means it.

Her way of communicating her frustrations with me is pointing out my flaws. She will say something mean and rude to me to tell me that she is not happy. What she wants is for me to acknowledge what she is saying and change. Wen she does this, it hurts me, and I withdraw. This in turn makes her think that I don't care about her feelings. My way of responding to her criticism is to explain why I do the things I do. She thinks that I am just defending myself. In a way I am, but mainly, I want her to understand me. The miscommunication is so destructive. Her approach is explosive. My approach is implosive. Because of this, we never really meet in the middle. How do you handle this?Get a mediator. I just wrote a long paragraph of ideas and deleted it because frankly, having a mutual friend sit with us while we argued was what really helped. If you don't have a close mutual friend that you both trust, you may want to see a counselor. Even if I was to try to help you on this, I would need to talk to her too. Most of the things that she needs to know about you probably need to come from a third party because when you say it, she only hears you being defensive. For that reason, she might be dismissing some of what you say.

By the way, are italics and such useless or does your program let you know when we emphasize words?

[Booko]

Please forgive me if this topic has already been visited; I tried searching for similar posts but did not find anything.

I think all of the time about all different things. This usually keeps me out of trouble. However, when it comes to bedroom activities, this seems to get me into more trouble than it helps. I tend to start thinking about things she has said before or what she might want or some other random thing. Usually it affects my mood which in turn affects my ability to perform. Has anyone had similar problems? Does anyone have any ideas on how I can not let my thinking part take over in these situations?

Thank you so much!

Don't think about what she wants: ASK!

As for what she's said in the past, while it's not good to forget the past, it isn't a good neighborhood to live in either.

If you don't want your thinking to take over, remind yourself that you're not psychic and neither is she. Communication is as necessary in bed as it is at any other area of a relationship.

[SeekingHim80]

Get a mediator. I just wrote a long paragraph of ideas and deleted it because frankly, having a mutual friend sit with us while we argued was what really helped. If you don't have a close mutual friend that you both trust, you may want to see a counselor. Even if I was to try to help you on this, I would need to talk to her too. Most of the things that she needs to know about you probably need to come from a third party because when you say it, she only hears you being defensive. For that reason, she might be dismissing some of what you say.

By the way, are italics and such useless or does your program let you know when we emphasize words?





That is a really good idea. We have tried this. If the person says anything in my defense, she feels as if she is being ganged up on. It's so frustrating!

Please don't get me wrong; my wife loves me very much. She is an amazing woman, and I admire her in so many ways. I just want to be able to understand how to relate to her and with her in a way that will strengthen our relationship.

The software is able to tell me about formatting, but I have that feature disabled because it's just too much, especially on web pages.





SeekingHim80 added to this post, 3 minutes and 15 seconds later...

Don't think about what she wants: ASK!

As for what she's said in the past, while it's not good to forget the past, it isn't a good neighborhood to live in either.

If you don't want your thinking to take over, remind yourself that you're not psychic and neither is she. Communication is as necessary in bed as it is at any other area of a relationship.




Thank you!

[Danisty]

That is a really good idea. We have tried this. If the person says anything in my defense, she feels as if she is being ganged up on. It's so frustrating!

Please don't get me wrong; my wife loves me very much. She is an amazing woman, and I admire her in so many ways. I just want to be able to understand how to relate to her and with her in a way that will strengthen our relationship.Oh I believe you love her. I have no idea about her feelings because I haven't talked to her. What I can say is that you can't make the communication work all by yourself. It runs both ways and nobody can change that. Understanding her won't do much good if she still doesn't understand you. Booko's advice is good though. It will help if you can get your wife to ask you questions too.

[Kydwyn]

There have been a couple of times over the years when we've communicated the hard stuff on paper. For some reason it was easier. You get to finish a thought. There's no instant bristling to contend with. There's time to think over the content before the next face to face. When all the children were small and our hours were nuts it afforded us more privacy, these days we still shoot off emails to one another.
It got us through some of the early muddiness and to the point now where we hardly need to speak at all. :)

[Danisty]

There have been a couple of times over the years when we've communicated the hard stuff on paper. For some reason it was easier. You get to finish a thought. There's no instant bristling to contend with. There's time to think over the content before the next face to face. When all the children were small and our hours were nuts it afforded us more privacy, these days we still shoot off emails to one another.
It got us through some of the early muddiness and to the point now where we hardly need to speak at all. :)Oh this is a very good idea too! My hubby and I are apart right now due to the Army and we discovered we argue quite well with Yahoo messenger.