INTJ and ENTP

[JINT]

I feel bad when my spouse(ENTP) feels insecure. Sometimes, he say negative stuffs, is like I'm going to find someone else. I don't verbalize my affection to him, but I do it in action. I'm uncomfortable to say something like "You're my world or everything" yada yada.

When I go out with my husband, some guys would flirting at me. I don't flirt back because I'm married and with him. If happens without my husband, I do flirt back for fun, but never show an interest.

How do I make him feel secure in our relationship?

Or he is just pretending that he feels insecure a little. lol

He is smart guy.

[Kisai]

How long have you been married for? How long did you know each other before that?

[SShack]

Flashy ENTP confidence in debate and human interaction tends to mask a deep underlying insecurity about misjudging people and situations.

We also tend to not be any better at dealing with our feelings than INTJs are. In an INTJ, this manifests as extreme caution in relationships -- introversion pulls you back. For ENTPs it can cause the opposite -- we push it outward as extroverts, looking for affirmation that the relationship is reciprocal.

For an INTJ, the concept is that once they decide things, it's decided. And if an INTJ does change his or her mind about the nature of a relationship, they'll say so. For an ENTP, though, things are rarely ever permanently settled. Everything is analyzed and explored, almost unconsciously. The tendency for an ENTP to pick things apart is both a strength and a weakness. It can cause us to look for problems where there aren't any.

I've been in your ENTP's shoes. We are very verbal people, even though we're not necessarily romantic. So it becomes this neurotic sort of need for my INTJ to affirm things without getting all drippy and soppy about it (which he won't anyway).

I am curious about the length of time as well. Eventually, I've learned to pick up the various actions by my INTJ guy that affirm the nature of our relationship (like going through a lot of effort to come visit and spend time with me).

[JINT]

We known each other for more than two years then got married in 2007.

[SShack]

Maybe this page (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) on ENTPs in relationships will be helpful to you if you haven't seen it.

Editing to add: Is it possible you're flirting back when he's around and you don't even realize it? I'm not the jealous type myself, and I'm not sure if ENTPs trend that way, but his extroverted intuition may be analyzing it as a problem in the relationship, and you not talking about it with him my be perceived as withholding. He may think there's something wrong and you're not telling him because INTJs don't always share that much.

[dexy]

I'm an ENTP with an INTJ partner. I think the flirting could pretty easily upset him, regardless of whether it's actually cause for concern. In fact, I would argue that if you did it in front of him, it wouldn't upset him nearly as much as knowing that you do it behind his back would.

ENTPs are not big fans of secrecy, and maybe your husband feels that you're a different kind of person around others than you are around him. Plus, the INTJs I know certainly aren't the flirting types, and if he doesn't think you're the kind of person that is a natural can't-help-it flirt (and especially if you don't flirt with him), he'll think that you're going waaaay out of your way to get attention. This will, understandably, make him feel inadequate and insecure.

So, either stop flirting, stop telling him that you flirt with others, or flirt more with him to make him less insecure.

And, let's be fair, people flirt because they want something more than a friendship. It's a logical thing to do when you want to "find someone else" (like he's worried you will). So why are you flirting "just for fun?" If it's something you do because it feels good to get the attention, then maybe you should talk to your ENTP about getting more love and affection at home. It's hard to talk about your feelings, but if you feel unloved or unsexy around your partner, of course you're going to seek attention elsewhere.

Good luck!

[JINT]

What I meant about flirting back; I would smile when a man staring at me or smile at him if he smiles at me. I have never tell him about someone who smiling at me. In fact, he is the one who flirt with others and staring to all the girls he see. But now, I seem getting grounded of what he does.

[SShack]

Hmmm. To me that's a rather unusual response from an ENTP. How sure are you that he's an ENTP? Have you mentioned to him that he flirts, too?

If you're sure he's an ENTP then I would guess it's got to be concerns that your flirting is an indication that you're dissatisfied with him in some way.

[Curious Cat]

Perhaps he is unaware of how intj's show affection?

For me I tend to equate flattery with affection. If I don't get flattery and reassurance I feel unloved.

Like some of the other posters I also tend to over think things way to much, this can sometimes lead to have an unrealistic perception of a situation.

Your husband is the same perhaps?





Curious Cat added to this post, 2 minutes and 10 seconds later...


I've been in your ENTP's shoes. We are very verbal people, even though we're not necessarily romantic. So it becomes this neurotic sort of need for my INTJ to affirm things without getting all drippy and soppy about it (which he won't anyway).


Seconded, that was well put.