Dealing with ESFJ significant other?

[AnandaMeansBliss]

Does anyone have any advice or anecdotes relating to dealing with an ESFJ SO? If not, perhaps a friend? I have been in a relationship with an esfj girl for almost two months. I feel like an xxFx is difficult enough, but an SF? Oh man. All she has are feelings about things that are supported by more feelings. Furthermore, because she is an S, everything seems to lack the same passion/complexity that an N would have. She is very value-driven. She uses words like values and morality. And I do not know what they mean. I spoke to an INTJ friend of mine and when he told me to think of a value as a rule, I instantly was able to understand where she was coming from. Value=rule. I just don't think in terms of values. And when I really concentrate on the word, I have no idea what it means. I know I am not being very articulate but any help would be appreciated!

[Meyer]

I know when I was researching the problems in my relationship(after the fact) I had found that esfjs commonly need security above all else, whreas we tend to need feedom intellectually or otherwise. Striking a balance between the two should be helpful. I had also found that it is important to let them know their efforts are truly appreciated. We tend not to show this appreciation as outwardly as they need it. Google SJ NT relaionships or analyst/legalist. You should come across a very useful description of needs and potential pitfalls to avoid.

[Paul V]

My best friend is an ESFJ. We used to argue a lot, but as time passed, we came to an understanding of each other. Typically, we tend to do what the other does poorly (he takes care of people, I take care of problems, for example).

We make a good team, though sometimes I wish he was just a little bit more like me.

[PortInStorm]

My best friend is an ESFJ. We used to argue a lot, but as time passed, we came to an understanding of each other. Typically, we tend to do what the other does poorly (he takes care of people, I take care of problems, for example).

We make a good team, though sometimes I wish he was just a little bit more like me.
Very true. My spouse in an ESFJ, and it's an effective pairing. He does the entertaining, scheduling the holidays, gives me insight into Ss, helps maintain what few traditions we do have, answers the phone at home. But it's more important what he doesn't do- tell me what to do, make me account for my time, argue with me (emotionally- not debate, I like that usually), criticize me, or try to make me traditionally female. He's very patient and kind.

It may not be really mentally fulfilling, and there may be distance due to different wavelengths, but it's basically trouble-free and calm, lets me get on with my work and pursue my interests. But there are a few things INTJs have to do
- not engage them in debate (it doesn't interest them, and they think it's conflict, making them uncomfortable) or hot topics (euthanasia, etc.)
- you have to learn the relational minefields and just avoid them- they seem to thrive on head-in-the-sand. Don't lie, but only tell them the things they want to hear. Leave the other stuff in your head, or tell your NT/NF friends instead.
- go to some social stuff with them every once in a while, and get a feel for the traditions that are really important to them- respect those.
- and yes, do try to notice the multitude of things they do, and how faithful they are. Comment on it every time if you can.
- mine seems to love his family inordinately, and has friends from years ago. I had to realize that his original family provides the best sense of security, and I deal with it. They are almost a physical part of him, inseparable.
- Don't go against friends or family even for their own good. They'll hate you for 'stirring up trouble'. They don't mind being taken advantage of as much as we do.
- Mine likes playing- playfights, tickling, traditional humour/jokes etc.

[AnandaMeansBliss]

Thanks a lot. I found this very insightful and very applicable. I will definitely take this under advisement.

[Rick]

I have an ESFJ working for me, and I've noticed one definite thing. When he has a problem, he'll hold it in and hold it in til he can't anymore. All along, you can tell something is wrong but won't know exactly what it is. Then, when he finally gets it out, it is very emotionally tinged. He speaks his peace and I listen without interruption, then he's OK and apologizes (?) for the outburst. He just needed to get it out and to have someone listen. Good guy and good employee.

[AnandaMeansBliss]

That is certainly one thing I have noticed with my SO. I seem to know if something is wrong with her before she even knows it. I wonder if that is an N quality, because mine seems to work as a sixth sense sometimes.

[Firebrand9]

Very true. My spouse in an ESFJ, and it's an effective pairing. He does the entertaining, scheduling the holidays, gives me insight into Ss, helps maintain what few traditions we do have, answers the phone at home. But it's more important what he doesn't do- tell me what to do, make me account for my time, argue with me (emotionally- not debate, I like that usually), criticize me, or try to make me traditionally female. He's very patient and kind.

It may not be really mentally fulfilling, and there may be distance due to different wavelengths, but it's basically trouble-free and calm, lets me get on with my work and pursue my interests. But there are a few things INTJs have to do
- not engage them in debate (it doesn't interest them, and they think it's conflict, making them uncomfortable) or hot topics (euthanasia, etc.)
- you have to learn the relational minefields and just avoid them- they seem to thrive on head-in-the-sand. Don't lie, but only tell them the things they want to hear. Leave the other stuff in your head, or tell your NT/NF friends instead.
- go to some social stuff with them every once in a while, and get a feel for the traditions that are really important to them- respect those.
- and yes, do try to notice the multitude of things they do, and how faithful they are. Comment on it every time if you can.
- mine seems to love his family inordinately, and has friends from years ago. I had to realize that his original family provides the best sense of security, and I deal with it. They are almost a physical part of him, inseparable.
- Don't go against friends or family even for their own good. They'll hate you for 'stirring up trouble'. They don't mind being taken advantage of as much as we do.
- Mine likes playing- playfights, tickling, traditional humour/jokes etc.

So, in other words, don't be an INTJ. I just had an ESFJ email me "Are we still friends?". I hate this sort of crap....

[Synamon]

If you haven't already read it, this (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) recent thread had a lot of discussion about an INTJ-ESFJ relationship.

[boldbidder]

Very true. My spouse in an ESFJ, and it's an effective pairing. He does the entertaining, scheduling the holidays, gives me insight into Ss, helps maintain what few traditions we do have, answers the phone at home. But it's more important what he doesn't do- tell me what to do, make me account for my time, argue with me (emotionally- not debate, I like that usually), criticize me, or try to make me traditionally female. He's very patient and kind.

It may not be really mentally fulfilling, and there may be distance due to different wavelengths, but it's basically trouble-free and calm, lets me get on with my work and pursue my interests. But there are a few things INTJs have to do
- not engage them in debate (it doesn't interest them, and they think it's conflict, making them uncomfortable) or hot topics (euthanasia, etc.)
- you have to learn the relational minefields and just avoid them- they seem to thrive on head-in-the-sand. Don't lie, but only tell them the things they want to hear. Leave the other stuff in your head, or tell your NT/NF friends instead.
- go to some social stuff with them every once in a while, and get a feel for the traditions that are really important to them- respect those.
- and yes, do try to notice the multitude of things they do, and how faithful they are. Comment on it every time if you can.
- mine seems to love his family inordinately, and has friends from years ago. I had to realize that his original family provides the best sense of security, and I deal with it. They are almost a physical part of him, inseparable.
- Don't go against friends or family even for their own good. They'll hate you for 'stirring up trouble'. They don't mind being taken advantage of as much as we do.
- Mine likes playing- playfights, tickling, traditional humour/jokes etc.

I have ESFJ spouse and PortInStorm has provided some sage advice. A few additional things I would add:

* Be careful of anything you say relating to your SO's actions, they interpret almost everything as a personal attack and get defensive. This can make bringing up issues problematic, you need to develop the art of the velvet mallet.

* Let them know what you're thinking as much as possible. ESFJs love stability and hate surprises (stupid gifts notwithstanding). If you've got a plan in your head try to let your SO know, not necessarily for input, they'll just be happy that you're sharing your thoughts.

* Let them gab and just take it in. This is a bit anti-INTJ because our impulse is to offer input to help make the situation better, but that's not what they're looking for. However, when you see your SO struggling with some task that is a golden opportunity to let your INTJ juices flow and help them. They generally are reasonable and will happily implement a new and better way of doing things.