Dating advice needed

[ayre]

It's me again. I'm not replying to anyone this time, just here to ask a question that I think belongs under the heading "IQ and relationships." (That's what this thread is about, right?) I really want to meet someone, I mean for a romantic relationship. No, I don't mean on this forum, so no worries there. I don't hold out any hope for meeting men online. There is this one guy whom I know in person, someone who might be interested in getting to know me. It's kind of hard to tell, but he seems intrigued by me. The question is whether he holds any interest for me. Of course, only I can know this, but I don't. He is good looking, owns his own business, and is quite successful in terms of monetary wealth, which I suppose counts for something. But in terms of what really counts, which is the MBTI, I'm quite sure it's a no-go. He's an ISTJ, I think. How boring! Okay, he might be an ISTP. That's almost just as bad. What could we possibly have in common?

Maybe the MBTI means nothing when it comes to romantic relationships. Maybe someone out there who is married, or in a romantic relationship already, could answer that question for me. I deplore the kind of ego-tripping that I talked about earlier, but let's face it, I think I'm superior. I hate myself for thinking this, because really I don't believe it. I refuse to believe this, because I know, objectively, it cannot be true. If it it were true that I am superior to the vast majority of men and women, simply on account of being an INTP, then I would have a fair bit in common with Hitler. So I am not superior. All types are needed. But I just can't subjectively value what an ISTJ values (and don't ask me what they value, I'm not really sure, which shows my ignorance and prejudice).

I hope someone will reply to this post, although I probably shouldn't expect this after having questioned whether the majority of people on this site are ego-trippers extroverting their T. Not a wise move, I guess.

[HackerX]

You'll probably be suprised to find that a lot of the activities you like doing, a IST* probably likes as well. Maybe an NT might look at those activities slightly differently, but I've found, in my experience, that there's a lot of overlap there.

I have an ISTJ friend who's studying currently (and has always been interested in) forensic anthropology. She can be fascinating to talk to about that kind of stuff. Lots of "T".

On the negative side, an ISTJ can make an INTJ look like a warm fuzzy cuddly bear though. That might be hard for an INTP to come to grips with, trying to get closer.

But it is worth trying :)

[rara avis]

Your post seems a little bit over-dramatic to me. I think you might do better to look at the MBTI as a tool to help you investigate & understand people, instead of a series of boxes to stuff people into.

You might well find an ISTJ who's right next door to you, personality-wise. What if they're most flexible in their S/N J/P areas - but have the ability to switch on the S-J, be practical, take care of business?

I say, evaluate people as individuals - use the MBTI to help you understand them better, not to write them off before you even learn their name.

[Sean O]

Your post seems a little bit over-dramatic to me. I think you might do better to look at the MBTI as a tool to help you investigate & understand people, instead of a series of boxes to stuff people into.

You might well find an ISTJ who's right next door to you, personality-wise. What if they're most flexible in their S/N J/P areas - but have the ability to switch on the S-J, be practical, take care of business?

I say, evaluate people as individuals - use the MBTI to help you understand them better, not to write them off before you even learn their name.Seconded. Ayre, it sounds like you're taking the MBTI way too seriously. All it really does is describe specific behavioural/cognitive preferences that people have. It does not, in any way, preclude individuality. I've made some close and valuable bonds with people of very "unlikely" types. Maybe they're MBTI types aren't exactly suited to mine, but as individuals they're good matches for me, and ultimately that's what counts for more.

[ayre]

Thank you for these replies! It was very kind of you all to respond. To say I don't know this guy's name is a bit of stretch, though. We've been friends for some time. The question is whether I want to let the friendship go any further. I have a tendency to fall into relationships that never should have begun in the first place, and then break them off way down the road. A few guys have been hurt by my actions, and I don't want to repeat them. As for being overly dramatic, well, that's the 4 wing on the Enneagram. It's really quite strong in me, and I enjoy flirting with it. (The statement, "what really counts is the MBTI," was intended facetiously.)

[HeyZeus]

Suggest getting a drink, if you're prepared comment goes well at your next encounter. During the drink, guess aloud he's an ISTJ, and ask how he would justapose his own personality with the insufferable bore, neat-freak, anal retentive generalization of the ISTJ. If he laughs, he might be OK. If you two begin dating, you can say someone you do not know, and whose sincerity you absolutely cannot vouch for drew up the play that made this awesome match. But first, suggest the drink...if you're prepared comment goes well. Also, I would expect him to insist on buying the drink even though you offered. OK, that's all I got right now.

[PeterIMC]

It's me again. I'm not replying to anyone this time, just here to ask a question that I think belongs under the heading "IQ and relationships." (That's what this thread is about, right?) I really want to meet someone, I mean for a romantic relationship. No, I don't mean on this forum, so no worries there. I don't hold out any hope for meeting men online. There is this one guy whom I know in person, someone who might be interested in getting to know me. It's kind of hard to tell, but he seems intrigued by me. The question is whether he holds any interest for me. Of course, only I can know this, but I don't. He is good looking, owns his own business, and is quite successful in terms of monetary wealth, which I suppose counts for something. But in terms of what really counts, which is the MBTI, I'm quite sure it's a no-go. He's an ISTJ, I think. How boring! Okay, he might be an ISTP. That's almost just as bad. What could we possibly have in common?

Maybe the MBTI means nothing when it comes to romantic relationships. Maybe someone out there who is married, or in a romantic relationship already, could answer that question for me. I deplore the kind of ego-tripping that I talked about earlier, but let's face it, I think I'm superior. I hate myself for thinking this, because really I don't believe it. I refuse to believe this, because I know, objectively, it cannot be true. If it it were true that I am superior to the vast majority of men and women, simply on account of being an INTP, then I would have a fair bit in common with Hitler. So I am not superior. All types are needed. But I just can't subjectively value what an ISTJ values (and don't ask me what they value, I'm not really sure, which shows my ignorance and prejudice).

I hope someone will reply to this post, although I probably shouldn't expect this after having questioned whether the majority of people on this site are ego-trippers extroverting their T. Not a wise move, I guess.

You think you are superior because you probably never really worked with people that are more intelligent or more experienced than you. Once you get to the point where you get that experience your arrogance will go down.

You will still feel superior to many people, but when you get in a situation where you make a statement of which you are convinced and that is then completely destroyed in once sentence,.. that will humble you.. (yes I know this by experience :) )

Instead of trying to be a fault finder, you should focus on the positive side of people. You'll still be seeing many mistakes but if you can learn to just accept them (as you also have to learn to accept your own deficiencies) it makes things easier and you'll be happier in general.

[JohnDoe]

Suggest getting a drink, if you're prepared comment goes well at your next encounter. During the drink, guess aloud he's an ISTJ, and ask how he would justapose his own personality with the insufferable bore, neat-freak, anal retentive generalization of the ISTJ. If he laughs, he might be OK. If you two begin dating, you can say someone you do not know, and whose sincerity you absolutely cannot vouch for drew up the play that made this awesome match. But first, suggest the drink...if you're prepared comment goes well. Also, I would expect him to insist on buying the drink even though you offered. OK, that's all I got right now.

Don't do this. Do ask him for a drink, don't talk about MBTI.

[karenk]

Don't do this. Do ask him for a drink, don't talk about MBTI.

I was just thinking the same thing before I read your reply.

[ayre]

Asking this guy for a drink would take a monumental leap of faith on my part, and that's not an overstatement. But even if I had that kind of confidence in myself, I couldn't joke about the ISTJ being a bore. I'd like to try, because that sort of joking resonates with me. However, it would be the end of our friendship. I know this, because I have to tread very carefully with this man. He's already somewhat intimated by me, and reacts very negatively to anything he perceives as arrogance on my part. To the person who suggested this, however, I'd like to say "thanks." I do think I come across to some people as aloof, and I can be rude without meaning to be. If I have to tread so carefully around Mr. Hopeful already, then there's probably not much hope there.

I think the N/S difference might be the most significant in regards to romantic relationships. Actually, in my case the E/I difference might even be more significant, but I tend not to meet extroverts.

[JohnDoe]

The best way to make someone intimidated by you not intimidated any more is to make yourself vulnerable to them. Ask him for some drinks and he very well may think your less aloof then he thought.

[rara avis]

Maybe you should consider whether you just plain like him or not. Do you want to spend time with him? And then go from there, trying to disregard "potential" for now (granted, this is easier said than done) and being kind & clear with him about where you stand.

If you like him enough to want to spend time with him, let him know you do, and- (if it's pertinent to him) -that you're not sure about romantic chemistry. You just want to hang out. See what happens. Is this possible?

ST traits can be very useful, and a relief to NTs... and NT traits can be very refreshing and fascinating to STs. It all depends on the individuals... sometimes in spite of all that, we can just plain frustrate the living hell out of each other. Depends.

[ayre]

Yeah, I like him in the way a person might like and respect anyone who is decent. But I just got off the phone with someone else, an INFJ, and we talked for well over an hour. I don't think I could do that with this guy. We just wouldn't have enough to say to each other.

As far as hanging out is concerned, I don't think this man really wants to hang out, or at least not with me. That's just the sense I get. I think he wants to know whether I'm romantically interested in him, or could be. I'm very reluctant to get involved, because I don't want to repeat the past. I have no problem with hanging out. But you can't hang out with someone who is looking for a commitment. Or, you can hang out, but the end result is that someone is hurt.

[alphawolf]

With your superiority complex, you will probably only be romantically satisfied with a really strong man who doesn't take any crap from you.

Yeah, I said it.