INTJ Keeping emotions safe

[Bliss]

What is it behind the INTJ not allowing his emotions he has for me to be verbally revealed? Do they feel it's just not necessary? Do they feel other actions demonstrated by the INTJ should reflect their emotions? INTJ just not in touch with emotion so not possible to verbalize?

He reveals his emotions about other issues to me, past hurts etc. in his life.

Of course this is my struggle as an INFJ. My F side wants/needs that confirmation but I am really trying to take the actions demonstrated by my INTJ as that confirmation. He is generous with his physical affection, not just sexual, but holding hands, massages, hugs etc. Talks about future plans, involving me in the "plan", etc.

He HAS said he "feels safe with me".

Thoughts?

~bliss~

[scipioafricanus]

Your situation sounds extremely familiar...with me as the INTj partner. My last relationship was dominated by this question: I was always very affectionate, from my point of view--gifts, massages, attention, etc.--but she was constantly frustrated both with a) my unwillingness/inability to verbalize my affection and b) my general difficulty talking about my emotional state.
At least for me, this was partly because of simple discomfort through disuse; I wasn't used to thinking about how I felt, let alone talking about it, and as a result could get extremely awkward when I did. In order to avoid the embarrassment, I typically tried to express my affection in more controlled ways...like nice dates, or massages, etc.
The other thing is that for me, and I suspect for many INTj's, our emotions are unusually painful and difficult for us to face, particularly in the context of a relationship. Repeated misunderstandings, offenses, and put-downs in my social history has tended to make me extremely cautious about letting other people into my emotional core, and doing so requires that I willingly break down years of meticulously constructed defense mechanisms.
I guess the only advice I can offer is to be patient: you can push a little bit, and to be honest it'll be good for the INTj to be forced to deal with his emotions in a social way, but don't push too hard or too far. Just because something may be easy for you to talk about does not necessarily make it easy for him, and if you push too hard he may get freaked out and simply close off or leave the relationship altogether.





scipioafricanus added to this post, 1 minutes and 26 seconds later...

(hope that helps! and seriously, don't underestimate the "feeling safe" thing. It has always been one of the hardest things for me to find in another human being, and I suspect he values it more than you realize)

[llBradll]

Of course this is my struggle as an INFJ. My F side wants/needs that confirmation but I am really trying to take the actions demonstrated by my INTJ as that confirmation. He is generous with his physical affection, not just sexual, but holding hands, massages, hugs etc. Talks about future plans, involving me in the "plan", etc.

I agree that actions speak louder than words. With my last girlfriend I would just put my arm around her or kiss her to say that I love her. Saying the words always made me feel "vulnerable" even if I did feel safe with her. Another thing is that when we have seemingly less powerful emotions they can be some of our strongest or most developed ones.

[Bliss]

Your situation sounds extremely familiar...with me as the INTj partner. My last relationship was dominated by this question: I was always very affectionate, from my point of view--gifts, massages, attention, etc.--but she was constantly frustrated both with a) my unwillingness/inability to verbalize my affection and b) my general difficulty talking about my emotional state.
At least for me, this was partly because of simple discomfort through disuse; I wasn't used to thinking about how I felt, let alone talking about it, and as a result could get extremely awkward when I did. In order to avoid the embarrassment, I typically tried to express my affection in more controlled ways...like nice dates, or massages, etc.
The other thing is that for me, and I suspect for many INTj's, our emotions are unusually painful and difficult for us to face, particularly in the context of a relationship. Repeated misunderstandings, offenses, and put-downs in my social history has tended to make me extremely cautious about letting other people into my emotional core, and doing so requires that I willingly break down years of meticulously constructed defense mechanisms.
I guess the only advice I can offer is to be patient: you can push a little bit, and to be honest it'll be good for the INTj to be forced to deal with his emotions in a social way, but don't push too hard or too far. Just because something may be easy for you to talk about does not necessarily make it easy for him, and if you push too hard he may get freaked out and simply close off or leave the relationship altogether.





scipioafricanus added to this post, 1 minutes and 26 seconds later...

(hope that helps! and seriously, don't underestimate the "feeling safe" thing. It has always been one of the hardest things for me to find in another human being, and I suspect he values it more than you realize)

Your situation sounds very familiar. It helps me to hear the similarity.

And yes, I realized the significance of the "I feel safe with you" statement. That was huge. I just smiled and hugged him.

So then let me ask you this... would verbalizing my emotions, lightly, to my INTF freak him out? Do INTJ's feel comforted to hear verbal confirmation of feelings or is that outside the comfort zone. So far I am mirroring his actions, showing how much I care with my actions, loyalty, physical affection, etc

~bliss~





Bliss added to this post, 3 minutes and 37 seconds later...

Another thing is that when we have seemingly less powerful emotions they can be some of our strongest or most developed ones.

That is the feeling I am getting. Intense feelings there, too much to express.

~bliss~

[Chain]

What is it behind the INTJ not allowing his emotions he has for me to be verbally revealed? Do they feel it's just not necessary? Do they feel other actions demonstrated by the INTJ should reflect their emotions? INTJ just not in touch with emotion so not possible to verbalize?

He reveals his emotions about other issues to me, past hurts etc. in his life.

Of course this is my struggle as an INFJ. My F side wants/needs that confirmation but I am really trying to take the actions demonstrated by my INTJ as that confirmation. He is generous with his physical affection, not just sexual, but holding hands, massages, hugs etc. Talks about future plans, involving me in the "plan", etc.

He HAS said he "feels safe with me".

Thoughts?

~bliss~


:laugh: Doesn't that sound familiar? Speaking from my experience: I don't think about it. Emotion is usually more problem than it's worth. I don't deal with it well because I've spent most of my life not dealing with it.

Biggest problem for me: It doesn't occur to me to tell my lovers that I care for them. The mindset is this: I tell them when I start caring, I'll let them know when it changes. Needless to say, that didn't work for them. So, I had to work on thinking about it.

Have you asked him why he doesn't tell you that he cares more often? If so, did you ask point blank, or did you kind of "hint" and hope he got it?

On the other side of the coin, you should feel immensely flattered. The future is never a sure thing and I for one don't expect many people to be around for long. Including you in future plans that he's voicing says volumes about how much he cares.

Myself, and the INTJ's that I'm friends and family with don't like to be touched. If he's giving you a lot of physical contact....

My suggestion is to discuss it with him- again, be very direct and specific- and see what the hang up is and what you can do together to deal with it. Also, I suggest that you try to understand that not everyone show affection the same way, or even the way that you want them to. At the end of the day you end up with three choices: Try to get him to give you what you want the way you want, re-define with-in yourself how you can get what you need out of what's provided, or preferably something in the middle.

[llBradll]

On the other side of the coin, you should feel immensely flattered. The future is never a sure thing and I for one don't expect many people to be around for long. Including you in future plans that he's voicing says volumes about how much he cares. As an INTJ I think that we spend more time thinking ahead than in the moment as well.

[scipioafricanus]

I think (gently) verbalizing your affection will make him more comfortable, and lead him to verbalize his. Keep in mind, however, that it'll probably take a fair amount of it on your part before he's ready...I (and probably a lot of INTjs) can be very insecure in relationships, even if it doesn't seem that way, and hearing that he's loved will probably mean a lot to him.

[Monte314]

There is a possibility that he does not feel able to verbalize his emotions. A lot of men are like this to some extent, but INTJ's have gotten more than their share in this area.

We INTJ's like to be precise in our communication, and find expressing things as intractable and fuzzy as our "feelings" not just risky, but sometimes downright confusing. Rather than trying to describe something we don't understand well ourselves, we sometimes feel better just not saying anything.

The result is that we don't talk about our feelings a lot, and this can give people the impression that we don't have feelings. We do have feelings of course... often, though, I think my wife (INFP) is more in touch with my feelings than I am. She'll even tell me how I'm feeling when I can't put it into words, and... by golly, I realize she's right. Weird.

The fact that he has opened up to you this much is significant. Are you prepared to face the possibility that he might not be able to open much farther?

[stephante]

He is generous with his physical affection, not just sexual, but holding hands, massages, hugs etc. Talks about future plans, involving me in the "plan", etc.

My INTJ boyfriend is just like that. I like to think about it terms of how much he shares with me in comparison to how little he shares with anyone else. I talk to a lot of people about how I'm feeling; he typically talks to no one about how he's feeling, except me.

It might be me guessing or dragging it out of him (just like an NF) more than him professing, "I need to tell you how I've been feeling lately!"

I can tell a lot by his eyes, and he hates it (or used to pretend to) when I "catch" him. It used to bother me that he couldn't explain to me what it was his eyes were saying, but now I'm just as happy with those looks.

My advice? Find something he does that is just for you, that he won't let anyone else see, and work on letting that confirm what you wish he could say. :)

[Zilal]

There are a couple reasons why I might not share emotions... one is that I sometimes feel a thing so deeply, making it just words seems like sacrilege. Another is that it's so awkward putting these things into words that I'm afraid people will hear the awkwardness in it and mistake it... think I'm not being truthful, or something.

[Synamon]

I start all my sentences "I think...".

Expressing our thoughts is natural for us, expressing our feelings isn't. It's really that simple. It is similar to the way people have trouble understanding intuition, N and F are both introverted functions for us, they are internal, happening behind the scenes. Your F is extroverted, there's a big difference (and a thread on Fi vs Fe stickied at the top of the MBTI sub forum if you are interested).

We don't wear our hearts on our sleeves. Asking flat out how we feel is probably the only way to get feedback on our feelings. It makes us stop, think, and examine those feelings. Of course I'd probably reply that "I think I feel X". :cheesy:

[Clockwork]

I can really identify with the Fi vs Fe theme in the last few replies. To me, feelings are things that are great and completely natural when they're felt... such as when you're watching a well done movie or listening to a piece of music that has a soul to it. Expressing them is odd though, they don't flow naturally to words. Literally trying to translate the feelings into words ends up with "I... I uh... It's just like um... ...how can I say it... It's kind of like... er..." without any words to complete the sentence.

Sometimes when I try to express my feelings, particularly with giving people compliments, it either sounds too rational (and sometimes almost sarcastic), or fake/forced, when it's not really either. The rational type would be something like "You look very good today, your clothes match very well and it looks like you've spent a lot of time making your hair look just right." The fake/forced, on the other hand, sounds like poorly done tryhard flattery, partially because it's in an attempt to overcome the sarcastic/objective style. I don't even want to give an example of it. It makes me cringe thinking of those "What the f*** are you on?" and "You're kinda creeping me out, are you trying to pickup on me?" looks I've gotten when I've tried to sincerely compliment people before. It's gotten better over time though, expressing those emotions just takes practice.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that those feelings are there, but it's strange to try to force them out. It gets better with practice, but it will never be <i>completely</i> natural.

Maybe what you could do is give him some training wheels - Have you tried directly telling him that "Sometimes I need more of an emotional confirmation of what you feel for me. Sometime, just wrap your arms around me and whisper to me that I'm special to you." (pay attention to the "that I'm special to you" part, it's NOT "how you feel about me.") When he does it well, flat out tell him "That was nice, it makes me feel very good when you say things like that to me."

He'll do it more often if you do that, I promise. :D

[daydreamer]

for my husband, who is intj/p, expressing the most tender emotions can be so touching that they can be a little painful to verbalize. he has no trouble saying "i love you" but other examinations can cause him a bit of distress, even expressions of joy/happiness/etc. maybe yours is similar?

point of reference, he is emotionally healthy otherwise... lol

[Vagrant]

There is a possibility that he does not feel able to verbalize his emotions. A lot of men are like this to some extent, but INTJ's have gotten more than their share in this area.

We INTJ's like to be precise in our communication, and find expressing things as intractable and fuzzy as our "feelings" not just risky, but sometimes downright confusing. Rather than trying to describe something we don't understand well ourselves, we sometimes feel better just not saying anything.

The result is that we don't talk about our feelings a lot, and this can give people the impression that we don't have feelings. We do have feelings of course... often, though, I think my wife (INFP) is more in touch with my feelings than I am. She'll even tell me how I'm feeling when I can't put it into words, and... by golly, I realize she's right. Weird.

The fact that he has opened up to you this much is significant. Are you prepared to face the possibility that he might not be able to open much farther?

Monte's hit the nail on the head for me.

Plain and simple -- I don't even understand my own feelings. Sure, there's the simple emotions, such as fun, anger, etc, which don't really need to be verbalized. But the second my emotions get any more complex than that, I can't verbalize them. So I just don't speak my emotions at all. When I do, I never feel like they're quite right, and awkward.

I'd rather show affection through actions.

[Mina]

I'm a female, and I often don't like to verbalize my emotions. My reasoning is that if I didn't care about someone then I wouldn't be with them, so if I'm in a relationship with a guy, then it should be obvious that he is very important to me. And something so obvious hardly needs verbalization.

Personally, I think that if you shower someone with verbal affection every day, the words start to lose their meaning, and such interactions cease to be "special."

[Bliss]

Monte's hit the nail on the head for me.

Plain and simple -- I don't even understand my own feelings. Sure, there's the simple emotions, such as fun, anger, etc, which don't really need to be verbalized. But the second my emotions get any more complex than that, I can't verbalize them. So I just don't speak my emotions at all. When I do, I never feel like they're quite right, and awkward.

I'd rather show affection through actions.

All of the feedback here is great.

Thinking back he did verbalize specific things he liked about me, how special, rare, kind I was, etc. in the very beginning of our relationship (6 months). I realize now that those are his feelings, and if they haven't changed, he probably won't be saying much in that way again. Which is actually fine with me. As long as I understand, I can deal with it. I will adore all of his actions and gestures of love and I will also gently let him know in my own way how special he is to me.

This is a great group! I wish I'd known about INTJ's when I was in my crazy 20's! ;)

~bliss~

[Chain]

Do INTJ's feel comforted to hear verbal confirmation of feelings or is that outside the comfort zone. So far I am mirroring his actions, showing how much I care with my actions, loyalty, physical affection, etc

~bliss~

I used to hate it. It spawned stronger emotion that I wasn't comfortable with having. Today, it depends on how things are going and how confident I am that she means what she says. If things aren't going well or it's really early, I don't want to hear it because it's likely garbage. If things are great, settled in a bit and I know that she knows her own mind, it feels wonderful.

As an INTJ I think that we spend more time thinking ahead than in the moment as well.

True. Running a thousand scenarios through the mind, planning for the future means that it's a day that ends in "y." However, it's him telling her about it that tipped me off. As someone else said, letting her in on knowing that is a risky proposition. Talking about it is probably a sign of comfort, confidence and openness.

I can really identify with the Fi vs Fe theme in the last few replies. To me, feelings are things that are great and completely natural when they're felt... such as when you're watching a well done movie or listening to a piece of music that has a soul to it. Expressing them is odd though, they don't flow naturally to words. Literally trying to translate the feelings into words ends up with "I... I uh... It's just like um... ...how can I say it... It's kind of like... er..." without any words to complete the sentence.

Sometimes when I try to express my feelings, particularly with giving people compliments, it either sounds too rational (and sometimes almost sarcastic), or fake/forced, when it's not really either. The rational type would be something like "You look very good today, your clothes match very well and it looks like you've spent a lot of time making your hair look just right." The fake/forced, on the other hand, sounds like poorly done tryhard flattery, partially because it's in an attempt to overcome the sarcastic/objective style. I don't even want to give an example of it. It makes me cringe thinking of those "What the f*** are you on?" and "You're kinda creeping me out, are you trying to pickup on me?" looks I've gotten when I've tried to sincerely compliment people before. It's gotten better over time though, expressing those emotions just takes practice.

Good points. It's amazing how often things come out as "back-handed compliments." The mind says, "nice jeans" but the words come out as "those jeans make your ass look better than usual;" which is meant positively, but taken negatively.

[Shikaze]

As an INTJ, I'm afraid to let someone in my emotional side. Having a tough facade, having a strong reputation, having a long streak of victory in debates gave my friends and acquaintances the idea that I have no emotion. The problem with me now is that, I do have emotion that I deal with every night before I go to sleep. I kill them in a desperate attempt to keep myself sane and in check. If I do let them out, the people around me would think I've lost it. Being an INTJ isn't easy, you have enemies both in and out. Existent and Non-Existent.

Feel blessed because you contribute to the well being of a person who'll likely change the world.

[Bliss]

As an INTJ, I'm afraid to let someone in my emotional side. Having a tough facade, having a strong reputation, having a long streak of victory in debates gave my friends and acquaintances the idea that I have no emotion. The problem with me now is that, I do have emotion that I deal with every night before I go to sleep. I kill them in a desperate attempt to keep myself sane and in check. If I do let them out, the people around me would think I've lost it. Being an INTJ isn't easy, you have enemies both in and out. Existent and Non-Existent.

All of the above descriptions are *SO* on the mark. Very similar to my INTJ. It makes me want to give my INTJ a hug because it is so true, being an INTJ isn't easy. It isn't easy for me, INFJ, being a witness to it from the outside because I tend to want to make it easier for him, more relaxing and comfortable.

Feel blessed because you contribute to the well being of a person who'll likely change the world.

I do... and he already is... :)

~bliss~

[ElstonGunn]

So then let me ask you this... would verbalizing my emotions, lightly, to my INTF freak him out? Do INTJ's feel comforted to hear verbal confirmation of feelings or is that outside the comfort zone.

It depends on how you do it. There's usually an assumption of reciprocity, isn't there? It's supposed to go, "I love you," "I love you, too," right? That can be problematic, regardless of whether or not he does love you. It can be disconcerting somehow to have that kind of assumption put onto you. He knows he's supposed to say it back, but if that's not something he's comfortable doing, you're putting him in a difficult position.


Have you asked him why he doesn't tell you that he cares more often? If so, did you ask point blank, or did you kind of "hint" and hope he got it?

I think asking directly is a good idea. But if you do that, make sure you set it up more like "I'm just curious about why you're like that. I don't think it's horrible or anything. I'm just interested in the way you do things," rather than, "Why don't you tell me you love me, you selfish prick? You're ruining the relationship. You know that, right?" Be careful about the impression you're giving off.

Go at it from the angle of trying to gain understanding, rather than compliance, from him. In a lot of situations, the main reason people don't want to do things is because someone else is forcing them to do it. Sometimes it's kind of like a hungry person refusing to eat because you're trying to force-feed him.


I think (gently) verbalizing your affection will make him more comfortable, and lead him to verbalize his. Keep in mind, however, that it'll probably take a fair amount of it on your part before he's ready...

I'm like that. In my most recent relationship, it took a while for me to reply in kind. She'd say "I love you," and I'd say "Thank you." Eventually I started saying it a lot, though. It just took some time. A relationship with an INTJ can sometimes be an economy of scale. The start-up costs are really high, but once you get things going, you start seeing some nice returns on your investment.


My INTJ boyfriend is just like that. I like to think about it terms of how much he shares with me in comparison to how little he shares with anyone else. I talk to a lot of people about how I'm feeling; he typically talks to no one about how he's feeling, except me.

I think that's a good way to look at it. Everybody has certain things that they'll never do, so you can sometimes set yourself up for disappointment if you impose a standard onto them that they don't (and won't ever) fit.

You could also tell him what's important to you in order to feel like the relationship is healthy. If you do it in a non-accusatory way, you might be able to get a good result from him.

[llBradll]

I know that you want to see some of his emotions come out of hime but you might want to avoid getting too many emotions inside of him. It could have the same effect of putting gas in a truck that needs diesel.

[blossom]

It depends on how you do it. There's usually an assumption of reciprocity, isn't there? It's supposed to go, "I love you," "I love you, too," right? That can be problematic, regardless of whether or not he does love you. It can be disconcerting somehow to have that kind of assumption put onto you. He knows he's supposed to say it back, but if that's not something he's comfortable doing, you're putting him in a difficult position.

When I first realized that I was in love with my boyfriend (INTJ also), I was thrilled and wanted to tell him. However, I knew that he wasn't sure about his feelings for me and was not at the point where he could say "I love you" back. To avoid the awkwardness as Elston mentions, I told him in an e-mail how I felt and why. We discussed the e-mail a bit, but until several months later when he told me of his own volition that he loved me, I didn't verbally tell him "I love you" or create a situation where he would feel pressured or uncomfortable about giving an appropriate "non-hurtful" response.

As for getting him to verbalize his feelings and stuff, I just wrote e-mails (I'm pretty introverted and prefer writing to talking) and let him know how I was feeling in terms of the relationship and what was going on with me emotionally. I was completely open, honest and vulnerable (this is where having a strong intuition and a lot of self-confidence helps). This made him feel safe and comfortable with opening up to me emotionally, and also started the relationship with an open emotional conversation that he just sort of joined in when he was ready (I didn't ask or expect replies to the e-mails or pressure him in any way and it took a few months).

Go at it from the angle of trying to gain understanding, rather than compliance, from him. In a lot of situations, the main reason people don't want to do things is because someone else is forcing them to do it. Sometimes it's kind of like a hungry person refusing to eat because you're trying to force-feed him.

One of my biggest mistakes or difficulties in my relationship, and about the only thing we ever argue about, is the way I ask for emotional support. It seems that I unintentionally phrase or say things in a way that comes across as demanding to him (I'm still not quite sure how to change this) and he sees it as me forcing him to do what I want. I don't think he necessarily has a problem giving me what I need emotionally, and he is usually very good at it on his own, but when I want or need more for whatever reason, the way I ask comes across poorly so I would watch out for that. I know I'm being a bit vague here, but hopefully one of the INTJs on the forum can give you some specific advice as to how to ask or what exactly to say as this is a really touchy and difficult area for them.

A relationship with an INTJ can sometimes be an economy of scale. The start-up costs are really high, but once you get things going, you start seeing some nice returns on your investment.

This is about the best statement I've ever heard when it comes to an INTJ relationship. I have never given so much emotionally and put so much time and effort into a relationship. Initially, very little was reciprocated, and I got hurt quite a bit while waiting for him to decide how he felt about me--I felt a lot like an emotional masochist. Now that we are past that, I can say that I have never been in a relationship that is so rewarding or have ever been with someone who gives back as much, if not more, than I give. The closeness and intensity--the potential--of a relationship of this type is unbelievable and makes it unquestionably worth it.

[Sinequanon]

This seems like a bit of Fe/Fi conflict (with a bit of Fo and Fum thrown in ;)).

I just spent a whole day with my favoritest INFP, and talking with her about the way she sort of protects her feelings and has trouble verbalizing them versus her mother (ENFJ) who is very out-there with her feelings made a very vivid impression. I'm fairly out there with my feelings, too. I certainly have no problem expressing them in a very clear way, and can be super affectionate (maybe to a fault). At the same time, I know she cares and feels things intensely, but any time she's asked to sort of verbalize/quantify/qualify those feelings (things that come fairly easily to me, and are 100% natural for her mother), it makes her uncomfortable and she has a tendency to mentally retreat.

Now, imagine you're a tough, logical INTJ - you have intense feelings and you definitely have emotions, but they're private, hidden and personal. Now, someone is asking you to express those... If a primary Fi has trouble expressing what Fi is doing for/to them, imagine how a tertiary Fi feels. Then throw in all of the gender roles/expectations of what a man is supposed to share, perhaps a lack of real connection with their feeling side and the discomfort with someone who has such ease with throwing their feelings out there, and yeah, I think there's your problem. :)

[Steel]

Sometimes I wonder if I am human like the rest of 'em. : )

[bluebirdsky]

This is about the best statement I've ever heard when it comes to an INTJ relationship. I have never given so much emotionally and put so much time and effort into a relationship. Initially, very little was reciprocated, and I got hurt quite a bit while waiting for him to decide how he felt about me--I felt a lot like an emotional masochist. Now that we are past that, I can say that I have never been in a relationship that is so rewarding or have ever been with someone who gives back as much, if not more, than I give. The closeness and intensity--the potential--of a relationship of this type is unbelievable and makes it unquestionably worth it.

I'm very glad to hear this!!! I'm in a very ambiguous relationship with an INTJ right now that has me very frustrated because I don't feel like he gives me the emotional support/relationship reassurance I need right now. This gives me hope that I just need to ride out the storm and wait for him to figure things out...maybe he really does still like me and just can't/doesn't know how to show it yet. That it's worth the heartache and frustration. Without this hope I don't think I could continue in this relationship much longer. How long did you have to throw your heart out there before he figured out how he felt about you and told you?

[Nomadofthehills]

I'm very glad to hear this!!! I'm in a very ambiguous relationship with an INTJ right now that has me very frustrated because I don't feel like he gives me the emotional support/relationship reassurance I need right now. This gives me hope that I just need to ride out the storm and wait for him to figure things out...maybe he really does still like me and just can't/doesn't know how to show it yet. That it's worth the heartache and frustration. Without this hope I don't think I could continue in this relationship much longer. How long did you have to throw your heart out there before he figured out how he felt about you and told you?

He probably doesn't know/pretends not to know you need it verbalized. Tell him.

[Fox]

I hate it when people ask me:

What are your (emotional type inner) feelings on that?

What kinda of question is that? My innermost feeling is one place of absolute freedom and privacy. I don't care how trivial a subject is people are asking a lot of me to share my personal feelings on an issue. You gotta build trust for me to share. Being guarded doesn't mean a lack of emotions. I can love and cry. I'll cry over the darnedest things. I can't say which since my enemies might be listening. Talking about feelings to me is just talk. Action is louder than words.

[bluebirdsky]

Oh I've told him, he just doesn't seem to want/be able to respond. Don't know what this means. I guess I'll just give it time.

[Chain]

I'm very glad to hear this!!! I'm in a very ambiguous relationship with an INTJ right now that has me very frustrated because I don't feel like he gives me the emotional support/relationship reassurance I need right now. This gives me hope that I just need to ride out the storm and wait for him to figure things out...maybe he really does still like me and just can't/doesn't know how to show it yet. That it's worth the heartache and frustration. Without this hope I don't think I could continue in this relationship much longer. How long did you have to throw your heart out there before he figured out how he felt about you and told you?

It's been covered: Either he has difficulty, he feels you've been informed and doesn't understand why you need it repeated, or your looking at it wrong. With the first, ask; the second, explain your needs, and the third, INTJ's show emotion it tends to be very hard to pick up on or not in the way that you'd look for.

[ercaras]

As an INTJ.... I don't mean to be rude... I find it totally irrational to talk about abvious things....

My partner and I has argued about my being verbally challenged in terms of being romantic and such. Not until he got a hold of my diary! Then he started to understand...

I never wanted to tell him how great he is and how much I love because I have always believed that I constantly show him that... But what he wanted was sweet and romantic words coming out of my mouth. But that's just so not me.

[Shikaze]

Could you give me a hug too? :cry:

[blossom]

I'm very glad to hear this!!! I'm in a very ambiguous relationship with an INTJ right now that has me very frustrated because I don't feel like he gives me the emotional support/relationship reassurance I need right now. This gives me hope that I just need to ride out the storm and wait for him to figure things out...maybe he really does still like me and just can't/doesn't know how to show it yet. That it's worth the heartache and frustration. Without this hope I don't think I could continue in this relationship much longer. How long did you have to throw your heart out there before he figured out how he felt about you and told you?

I'm not really sure how to answer this or if I can help you because our personalities are so different. I "knew" with my intuition that he felt really strongly about me from the beginning; it just took a while--about 4 months--for it to mature and develop into love (and also for him to recognize it as such). Through my intuition I was able to tell in the beginning that he didn't love me and then I was able to tell when he did before he said anything. I would never have "thrown my heart out there" if I didn't know it had a really good chance of working out and that he felt really strongly for me to begin with. In all of my relationships with the INTJs in my life (my father, a past and current boyfriend, a couple friends and colleagues) I operate on intuition. They are not easy to figure out any other way, and I don't know that I would continue in your situation without some sort of reassurance.

[StUdio V]

What is it behind the INTJ not allowing his emotions he has for me to be verbally revealed?
Do they feel it's just not necessary?
Do they feel other actions demonstrated by the INTJ should reflect their emotions?
INTJ just not in touch with emotion so not possible to verbalize?


Thoughts?

~bliss~

hey, bliss...
the first mental image you should try to capture would be the TV marriage partner of Dr. Frasier Crane, {TV > sit-com > ""Frasier"}

his 'wife' [I]"Lilith"[I] was the stereotypical person you are describing...
seemingly unemotional, cold, emoting in her special way, ->which is Foreign
to our sensibilities.
But i counter, that 'Lilith" (besides being HoT) was more 'Honest' than 98%
of the other phony-baloneys out there....

Your man, (or presenty significant-other) may just be clumsy in the social graces... or might not want to express what's in his heart. but, if he was attracted to you in the 1st place, the guy would go through hell-&-high-water
for you---but he won't tell you that freely-> only when he can sluff it off as a 'nothing special' commitment.

at least that's the way me, & characters like 'Lilith' conduct ourselves.

if your not familiar with the Lilith of 'Frasier' hook upwith some TV videos or
whatever, you'll see just what a consumate INTJ 'looks-like' to the rest of the world...


thanks for listening (even if i'm wrong in your eyes)

s/StUdio V

[Bliss]

hey, bliss...
the first mental image you should try to capture would be the TV marriage partner of Dr. Frasier Crane, {TV > sit-com > ""Frasier"}

his 'wife' [I]"Lilith"[I] was the stereotypical person you are describing...
seemingly unemotional, cold, emoting in her special way, ->which is Foreign
to our sensibilities.
But i counter, that 'Lilith" (besides being HoT) was more 'Honest' than 98%
of the other phony-baloneys out there....

Your man, (or presenty significant-other) may just be clumsy in the social graces... or might not want to express what's in his heart. but, if he was attracted to you in the 1st place, the guy would go through hell-&-high-water
for you---but he won't tell you that freely-> only when he can sluff it off as a 'nothing special' commitment.

at least that's the way me, & characters like 'Lilith' conduct ourselves.

if your not familiar with the Lilith of 'Frasier' hook upwith some TV videos or
whatever, you'll see just what a consumate INTJ 'looks-like' to the rest of the world...


thanks for listening (even if i'm wrong in your eyes)

s/StUdio V

Wow Lilith huh? Interesting... I can see that. She was a great character wasn't she?

And I can FEEL the "go through hell-&-high-water for you" I just haven't heard it verbalized which is my issue I suppose. But he has had his heart stomped on in the past. He has told me some of the stories. Some women can be horrible... So I believe he is being very protective of his heart now. On top of being an INTJ, tough combination... Good thing I am patient ;)

I've taken a lot of what I have learned here and applied it to the time we spent together this weekend and I felt much better about everything. I feel like I understand him better. My expectations are shifted and I value the "actions" much more now. And when they occur, in my mind, I think... awww he loves me :)