ISTJ who just broke up with ESFP

[Paladyr]

Hey I just stumbled on this forum and I have a question:

I had a very fun but ultimately frustrating relationship with an ENFP. I could never understand her "duck my head in the sand" approach to taking care of herself. Her life just kept deteriorating while we were together. A lot of times she said she was waiting for me to "take care" of her, or be more active in dealing with her problems. She also could never understand me just wanting a night to myself to stay home. I did enjoy the level of affection I got from her though. I never questioned how much she loved me. My question is, what personality type should I be looking for that is a little more self sufficient and maybe can give me one night a week to myself or something? Do I just need to find a less needy ENFP? I really loved her but I think all the chaos in her life made me shy away from taking the next step (moving in together) and that killed the relationship for her. Thx!

[Necrosis]

I am having trouble getting anyone to give me the same thing. I never thought asking for a night alone to myself would be so hard. I found that alot of people take that very personal as though I'm hiding something from them.

[Paladyr]

I am having trouble getting anyone to give me the same thing. I never thought asking for a night alone to myself would be so hard. I found that alot of people take that very personal as though I'm hiding something from them.

When I told this girl I needed that time to recharge and it has nothing to do with how much I love her, she said she couldn't imagine ever choosing not to be with me if she could be with me. I guess that's a fundamental difference between an I and an E right? My problem is I think I have more fun around Es. So it's like I'm stuck. Either I'm bored with an I, or smothered by an E haha. This sucks.

[curiousjane]

Outgoing INFP.
Problem solved.
:)

No, I know this is a sensitive topic. I don't mean to make light of it.

But I find this trend among a lot of guys, not just INTJs ... the being with someone who needs you to take care of her, or you feel like you need to help her improve her life. It's certainly nice that you care, but I guarantee that your attempts at "improving" her are going to be seen as you looking down on her for not having it all together. Not only that, but if you have to FIX someone, it is unbalanced from the beginning. Yes, NFs require a lot of together time to be consistently happy (only because we just like you THAT MUCH and want to be with you), but anyone should understand that their S.O. might need personal down time to recharge. It's just fair.

Maybe ENTP or ENTJ is more your style.

If you're looking to avoid what you perceive as neediness because of the desire to be in constant contact, I would advise against SJs. Not because they are "bad" (far from it!) but because your expecations for what a good relationship is are likely to be very different.

[jerr]

I've been in a situation like that. I loved a girl, who acted similarly, very much in the past.

She thought the best way to solve problems was to ignore them until they just went away. That never made sense to me. When I gave her advices, I felt like her dad or something... she didn't even listen to me anyway.

I've given a lot of thought to this over the years, and all those personnality theories just confirmed most of what I was thinking. The truth is: it's just their way of seeing life and therefore it's just their way of living it. They don't know any other way and they're comfortable (or so they say) to live it that way.

It's hard to be with an F, as their thought process is mainly driven by their feelings as opposed to us, where the rational "objective" thinking takes all the place.

I couldn't tell what type of personnality you should be looking for... I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

[Necrosis]

Outgoing INFP.
Problem solved.
:)

No, I know this is a sensitive topic. I don't mean to make light of it.

But I find this trend among a lot of guys, not just INTJs ... the being with someone who needs you to take care of her, or you feel like you need to help her improve her life. It's certainly nice that you care, but I guarantee that your attempts at "improving" her are going to be seen as you looking down on her for not having it all together. Not only that, but if you have to FIX someone, it is unbalanced from the beginning. Yes, NFs require a lot of together time to be consistently happy (only because we just like you THAT MUCH and want to be with you), but anyone should understand that their S.O. might need personal down time to recharge. It's just fair.

Maybe ENTP or ENTJ is more your style.

If you're looking to avoid what you perceive as neediness because of the desire to be in constant contact, I would advise against SJs. Not because they are "bad" (far from it!) but because your expecations for what a good relationship is are likely to be very different.

I dated an ISFJ and the basis of the breakup was the same as what Paladyr stated. She needed to be needed and I wanted to be alone at times. Complete opposites. I think, regardless of the personality type, it's possible to find someone who understands that we need time to recharge. I am learning to state that as one of my needs up front so there is no issue as the relationship develops.

[Paladyr]

Outgoing INFP.
Problem solved.
:)

No, I know this is a sensitive topic. I don't mean to make light of it.

But I find this trend among a lot of guys, not just INTJs ... the being with someone who needs you to take care of her, or you feel like you need to help her improve her life. It's certainly nice that you care, but I guarantee that your attempts at "improving" her are going to be seen as you looking down on her for not having it all together. Not only that, but if you have to FIX someone, it is unbalanced from the beginning. Yes, NFs require a lot of together time to be consistently happy (only because we just like you THAT MUCH and want to be with you), but anyone should understand that their S.O. might need personal down time to recharge. It's just fair.

Maybe ENTP or ENTJ is more your style.

If you're looking to avoid what you perceive as neediness because of the desire to be in constant contact, I would advise against SJs. Not because they are "bad" (far from it!) but because your expecations for what a good relationship is are likely to be very different.


I tended to not try to fix her, but I think she was expecting me to take care of her, so her life just got more and more chaotic as the relationship went on. She would say things like you were over at my place, why didn't you help me do xxx? I would say I would've gladly helped if you had asked! She would say she shouldn't have to ask I should just know it needs to be done and do it. Mind boggling to me haha.

I'll check out ENTP and ENTJ types and see if one sounds right, thx :).

[Monte314]

CuriousJane is right on.

My wife is an INFP, and she gives me as much space as I need. Often, I'll spend an entire evening upstairs (doing math!), and she stays downstairs socializing with our daughters (ages 15 and 25), playing games, watching movies, doing "girl" stuff. They always invite me to join in, and sometimes I do... but it's always an invitation, not a demand.

[curiousjane]

I tended to not try to fix her
Good.

but I think she was expecting me to take care of her
Not Good! (I just don't understand this viewpoint. If you were married, sure ... but dating?)

so her life just got more and more chaotic as the relationship went on
Time does have a way of bringing those things out.

She would say things like you were over at my place, why didn't you help me do xxx? I would say I would've gladly helped if you had asked! She would say she shouldn't have to ask I should just know it needs to be done and do it. Mind boggling to me haha.
Mind boggling to me, too. It's not just you. Nobody is a mind-reader. *sigh* I just don't get other girls (or even other INFPs) sometimes.

Granted, it's always AMAZING when somebody knows you well enough to pick up on little things and just know the right time to do the right thing that makes you happy or feel safe or what-have-you. But to expect them to know what to do? Craziness.

I'll check out ENTP and ENTJ types and see if one sounds right, thx :).
You're quite welcome.

But I still think you'd like an INFP with good self-confidence, balance, and who is grounded in life enough to face issues head-on and not bury her head in the sand. The mature versions of my type are pretty freakin' awesome. Just sayin'. ;)

[Paladyr]

Good.


Not Good! (I just don't understand this viewpoint. If you were married, sure ... but dating?)


Time does have a way of bringing those things out.


Mind boggling to me, too. It's not just you. Nobody is a mind-reader. *sigh* I just don't get other girls (or even other INFPs) sometimes.

Granted, it's always AMAZING when somebody knows you well enough to pick up on little things and just know the right time to do the right thing that makes you happy or feel safe or what-have-you. But to expect them to know what to do? Craziness.


You're quite welcome.

But I still think you'd like an INFP with good self-confidence, balance, and who is grounded in life enough to face issues head-on and not bury her head in the sand. The mature versions of my type are pretty freakin' awesome. Just sayin'. ;)

I'm sure you're not biased or anything lol. I just read about INFP and I think you're right. That's what I want to try next, now how the h3ll do I find one lol???

[curiousjane]

I'm sure you're not biased or anything lol. I just read about INFP and I think you're right. That's what I want to try next, now how the h3ll do I find one lol???
Well, I'm already taken. (And by a great INTJ, at that.) Sorry! :p

We're hard to find, unfortunately. Especially the more outgoing versions. And even harder to strike up a conversation with out of the blue. Try online sites. Bookstores. MBTI forums. Writer's groups. There's even a few threads around here somewhere devoted to this very topic. Check them out.

Or, my personal favorite, sitting outside on a blanket in the middle of a field at a National Park, just looking at the sky, nature, and listening to the sounds, and journaling. Shhhh! Be quiet! Be careful not to scare us! This is the rare INFP in her natural habitat. Approach with caution.

And bring your best INTJ mind-matching with you.
Watch out, buddy. You're in for the adventure of your life. :)

[Henry]

Hey I just stumbled on this forum and I have a question:

I had a very fun but ultimately frustrating relationship with an ENFP. I could never understand her "duck my head in the sand" approach to taking care of herself. Her life just kept deteriorating while we were together. A lot of times she said she was waiting for me to "take care" of her, or be more active in dealing with her problems. She also could never understand me just wanting a night to myself to stay home. I did enjoy the level of affection I got from her though. I never questioned how much she loved me. My question is, what personality type should I be looking for that is a little more self sufficient and maybe can give me one night a week to myself or something? Do I just need to find a less needy ENFP? I really loved her but I think all the chaos in her life made me shy away from taking the next step (moving in together) and that killed the relationship for her. Thx!

EF females=you're going to have trouble with them being "needy" and not providing space with in ANY type of relationship. True for the ESFJ I've dated for a long time, true of the ESFP I dated for a year in college, true of the ENFJ friend I had in high school, true of the ENFJ and xSFP bosses I've had.

Whatever the relationship is - romantic, friendly, professional - they want daily contact on the phone and frequent meetings and that's just annoying as hell for me in anything other than a long term relationship.

[Paladyr]

EF females=you're going to have trouble with them being "needy" and not providing space with in ANY type of relationship. True for the ESFJ I've dated for a long time, true of the ESFP I dated for a year in college, true of the ENFJ friend I had in high school, true of the ENFJ and xSFP bosses I've had.

Whatever the relationship is - romantic, friendly, professional - they want daily contact on the phone and frequent meetings and that's just annoying as hell for me in anything other than a long term relationship.

Yea the daily phone calls got to me, altho i enjoyed the txt'ing for a while. This was an 8 month relationship. I think maybe 3-4 months in I started feeling smothered and that's when things went downhill. I just couldn't get away without her feeling hurt.





Paladyr added to this post, 39 minutes and 9 seconds later...

Crap I just retook a test and I'm ISTJ???? Woops lol. I wonder if that changes anything?

[curiousjane]

Paladyr added to this post, 39 minutes and 9 seconds later...

Crap I just retook a test and I'm ISTJ???? Woops lol. I wonder if that changes anything?
Yup. That means you'd probably strangle an INFP over finances and decision making issues. Sorry. My Dad is ISTJ and I love him dearly but he can't figure out WHY I do things and I can't figure out WHY he won't let loose and try things once in awhile that are new to him and not always put a dollar sign on everything.

ISTJ? That's when you DO look for an ISFJ or ESFJ. Apparently, you'll want a non-smothering one.

(p.s. I do actually know a male ISTJ/female ENFP married couple. They have their issues, like any couple, but I know he's devoted to her and she is crazy about him. They just function very VERY differently.)

[Paladyr]

Yup. That means you'd probably strangle an INFP over finances and decision making issues. Sorry. My Dad is ISTJ and I love him dearly but he can't figure out WHY I do things and I can't figure out WHY he won't let loose and try things once in awhile that are new to him and not always put a dollar sign on everything.

ISTJ? That's when you DO look for an ISFJ or ESFJ. Apparently, you'll want a non-smothering one.

(p.s. I do actually know a male ISTJ/female ENFP married couple. They have their issues, like any couple, but I know he's devoted to her and she is crazy about him. They just function very VERY differently.)

I like the sound of ISFJ or ESFJ. How do you come to that conclusion? What about INFP? Sounds like I might enjoy them as well

[curiousjane]

I like the sound of ISFJ or ESFJ. How do you come to that conclusion? What about INFP? Sounds like I might enjoy them as well
You're cute.

Paladyr ... it comes down to this ...

Are you happier with her than without her?
And can you sacrifice ... even your treasured time ...

Nobody is perfect.
Not even you. :)
Not even INFPs!

If you can live with a girl's flaws and she with yours (and even appreciate them) then you are set.

Fortunately for you, ESFJs and ISFJs are much more common in women.
Good luck hunting!

[Henry]

I like the sound of ISFJ or ESFJ. How do you come to that conclusion? What about INFP? Sounds like I might enjoy them as well

Not ISFJs. I've yet to meet one that's as stable as I am, and that's saying very little. The one I know very well is a really vile twit who spends all her time gossiping, whining, and basically making life hard for others, the others I know but not as well do nothing to suggest the type is very compatible with INTJ.

We'll just based on my experience in almost all types of relationships:
I'll get on well with: ENFJ, ENFP, INFJ, ENTP, and INFP
I'll get on OK with: ESFJ, ESTJ, ISTP, INTP, ESTPs and ISFPs
I'll be drawn to but things will work out poorly: ESFPs
I'll clash to no end with: ISTJs, ISFJs, ENTJs

If you can live with a girl's flaws and she with yours (and even appreciate them) then you are set.

This is 80% of a long term relationship, in my opinion, although other things matter too.

[Necrosis]

Not ISFJs. I've yet to meet one that's as stable as I am, and that's saying very little. The one I know very well is a really vile twit who spends all her time gossiping, whining, and basically making life hard for others, the others I know but not as well do nothing to suggest the type is very compatible with INTJ.

We'll just based on my experience in almost all types of relationships:
I'll get on well with: ENFJ, ENFP, INFJ, ENTP, and INFP
I'll get on OK with: ESFJ, ESTJ, ISTP, INTP, ESTPs and ISFPs
I'll be drawn to but things will work out poorly: ESFPs
I'll clash to no end with: ISTJs, ISFJs, ENTJs



This is 80% of a long term relationship, in my opinion, although other things matter too.

I personally agree. I dated an ISFJ. Their need in life is to be needed. There are plenty of threads here on it. Very difficult to be with considering how opposite they are of us. Very emotional and almost everything is a fit or tantrum. You might want to find someone who is more stable and independant that will allow you to have your own time because they don't need you to take care of them.

[countrygirl]

I personally agree. I dated an ISFJ. Their need in life is to be needed. There are plenty of threads here on it. Very difficult to be with considering how opposite they are of us. Very emotional and almost everything is a fit or tantrum. You might want to find someone who is more stable and independant that will allow you to have your own time because they don't need you to take care of them.

Good god, I must be an odd ball. I love taking care of my husband but I will not be his mother and I need my space and independance. Finding someone who is stable and independant has to do with personal growth rather than MBTI.

Good luck.

[Necrosis]

Good god, I must be an odd ball. I love taking care of my husband but I will not be his mother and I need my space and independance. Finding someone who is stable and independant has to do with personal growth rather than MBTI.

Good luck.

Your right. I know your letters don't determine who you are. I don't disregard an ISFJ because she is an ISFJ. On the larger whole, in my experience, most have had similar tendencies which I do not look for in my life. I would love to get to know an ISFJ who is independant and understands the need for alone time. It would be an interesting experience.