Do parents have power over you that never goes away?

[notoppings]

Aren't we adults now able to do as we like? Do we still seek the approval of our parents? Do we still try to please them? To show them that they raised us the right way, that we do the right things.

Have you been able to shrug off the power of your parents influence now that you have become an adult? Should a person try? Is a parents influence there for all of our lives?

[Jgib5328]

My mom has almost no influence over me and hasn't since I was a preteen, I doubt her power will ever strengthen. However, I do believe this does apply to other people. Their parents will still maintain control, but overtime it will wane as the child matures.

[azelismia]

My parents have never been able to control me. No one ever has. I am very strong willed and I always have been. the only person who ever really had any chance at me was my grandma. She was the master of the guilt complex thrown at you from a subtle angle. she'd never force, she'd never outright say anything but she'd put it out there in a non-in your face fashion that required thought. She had a pretty good success rate with me this way. But if It didn't make sense it still wouldn't work. But I would put on a facade for her. She thinks I am a christian because it would break her heart to know otherwise. she's the only person I'd lie for.


she's an INFP.

[ToC]

I moved out when I was 13; two strong J INFJ and INTJ parents were too much. Talk about micromanaging.

[Vagrant]

My dad (ESTJ) always seemed to unconsciously try assert his power over me, but being the strong-willed INTJ that I am, I mostly ignored it (which I think to this day still frustrates him). I'm grateful for everything he's done, but sometimes he could really push my buttons. My mom was more in tune with me (INTJ), and as such never really pushed anything upon me, but rather suggested and nudged me in certain directions.

Neither really has control over me, but because I do have respect for them, I try not to do anything gravely against their wishes.

[demvesalius]

My father, INTJ, had a huge impact on my life. I've explained it one too many times on this forum.

He died in August and at times I can still hear his voice in the back of my head correcting me. He was a father first, but a best friend second.

I don't ever want to shrug off his influence because, for the most part, it was positive.

[Zilal]

My parents can still piss me off over things that hardly matter. It's been hard for me to get away from their influence because I care about them so much, I'm terrified of hurting them... I don't even stop to think about myself sometimes.

[daydreamer]

i wouldn't say that my parents ever had control over me, but they definitely continue to influence me, more than i would like. they are rather unpredictable and nonsensical, we have totally different ways of going about things. communication on the most basic level is a struggle. i think being intuitive, i was always on my guard as a child and wary of their reactiveness, which caused and causes me a lot of stress. so i try to limit our interactions. and it has taken a long time and a lot of discipline to detach that intuition, it's unnatural, but better for me. this is confirmed for me pretty much every time we interact, even though i do miss them.

[Anreader]

My parents also could not control me directly. But I have a sister with intellectual disabilities and they frequently manipulated circumstances in a way that made me feel honor bound to fulfill their wishes in order to avoid stressful circumstances. For example, my mother would tell us the house would have to be clean in order for us to go with my parents when they went to the movie. My sister was incapable of helping much, even when she was older. I would have to do it all by myself or neither of us would be allowed to go, and my sister would cry the entire time they were gone.

Ironically, I am still allowing them to upset me, and my sister has blocked them out of her life. They do not "control" me anymore but they do insult and anger me, even now. I'm hoping I will grow out of this. I am 22.

[gn0sis]

First, no one has control over you that you don't give them. Second, I think that there is an inherent responsibility, whether natural or as a social obligation, to care about the well-being of one's family. This means that should your parents become too old or sick to take care of themselves, you're obligated to take care of them. It means that you're obligated to not do anything so stupid or hurtful (for example, suicide) that it would upset your parents too much. All sorts of obligations and expectations arise from your relationship to your parents. But you only have to do what you want to do in the end.

By the way, I think the idea that children owe their parents anything for all that the parents have done is wrong. Parents are obligated to take care of their children by virtue of choosing to have them and children don't owe their parents anything for that. That said, it would be kind of cold not to be thankful for all the sacrifices your parents have made and show that gratitude by fulfilling some obligations (like taking care of them when they're older).

[Aldanga]

My parents don't have control over me, per se, but I do try to keep things civil and make them think they have control (or influence) in order to keep them off of my back.

I neither like my parents nor respect them. I'm not happy about that.

[BostonIan]

In my case, my father's been in jail for 75% of my life, and, with my mother, the parent-child roles have been naturally reversing since I've become an adult. I influence her life now much more than she influences mine.

I still have respect for them and obligations to them, but that's about where it ends. I suppose every situation's different though.

[HeyZeus]

Parents' power recedes when you no longer need any support from them, and spending time together is voluntary for all parties. Then, you have an adult relationship where you consent to spend a few days with them every year or so for intermittent bouts of passive-agressive mental grappling and semantic gamesmanship. Generally, they are going to be from a more civil generation than yours, and they're mellower, so you will usually take at least two out of three bouts, unless you are playing possum, which is fun in a more obtuse way.

[Firebrand9]

Aren't we adults now able to do as we like? Do we still seek the approval of our parents? Do we still try to please them? To show them that they raised us the right way, that we do the right things.

Have you been able to shrug off the power of your parents influence now that you have become an adult? Should a person try? Is a parents influence there for all of our lives?

Depends on how brainwashed you were by them. Me, personally, no. In fact, my model for success has been "What would my parents do?" and doing the opposite in most cases seems to be more successful.

[BlackMita]

Parents had no more power than anyone else I spent lots of time with.

[FreeFall]

Once you find the true you, the power of the parents disappears. Once this happens we truly start to live life for ourselves.

BTW, it took me a long while to get there and mom still irks me sometimes, but I refrain from getting sucked in and getting into the I'll show you mode.

[Tishy]

I'm annoyed with my father - like I am the parent and he is a drop-beat idiot teen.

He doesn't 'get' reality at all.

Bah!

[Lycurgus]

My father and my mother have separate influences on me entirely.

My mothers influence is nearly non existent, and only exists in so much as I don't feel like making my maternal grandmother feel bad. Other than that, I don't actually speak to my mother, nor do I have a particular inclination to start.

My fathers influence, on the other hand, has been positive. He's an intelligent man, and the man whom I owe most of who I am to. I would describe us as close, but not extremely close. He's not a confidant, but he has my trust and gratitude. His influence on me is not one of guilt or time, nor wanting to impress him, but that I trust his advice and opinions, even when they differ from my own.

My father learned a long time ago, however, that trying to impress his opinions on me, no matter what they are, works in often unpredictable, and unfortunate ways.

[qwerty]

I don't think my parents influence me. Away from the general do this and do that, I was given a level of free reign to figure out my own problems,

They let me make mistakes (not big ones that would wreck my life), and they let me learn.

The only time mum used to meddle was when she wanted me to apply for a just in my last year of my bachelors degree, she' print out job ads and put them everywhere. But when she found out I was going to go the graduate path she stopped.
Actually she tried to stop me doing my part time nightshift job at one point, by doing everything to keep me awake during a day when I'd come home to visit. She did stop that when I stopped visiting and sleeping there. Now I visit and she doesn't bother.

[Monte314]

My parents were alcoholics and drug addicts, in and out of jail and mental institutions since I was a pre-schooler.

I treated them both with respect and love at all times. The only times I ever directly resisted them was when they were hurting my little sister. There were times I had to take care of them, or go to them in jail/hospital/institution. My mom finally committed suicide when she was 38, and my dad died when he was 51.

Parents should be treated with respect... certainly no less courtesy than you would extend to a stranger on the street. This need not have anything to do with "power". Basing any relationship on "power" just turns it into a battlefield.

[Anreader]

I agree with Monte that you should fulfil your obligations to your parents. You are obligated to treat them with respect and aid them in serious crises. You are not obligated to actually respect or love them. Respect and love are earned. You can give love if you want, also, but it is not required for you to do so. It just makes your dealing with them easier. Separate who your parents are now from who your parents were when you were a child. In time your parents should do the same if they aren't completely insane and you are reasonably honest about your feelings.

[Maayan]

Emphatic yes. I was raised to value my mother's judgements, and I have a lot of trouble separating myself from that; even if it's in conflict with my own values, and even if it's not rational. I would do something "because my mother told me to," and not because, "I don't disagree with the reasoning that she would come up with." Furthermore, even IF the latter statement is true, the former statement still takes precedence.

Yes, a person should certainly try. It's important to recognize our internalizations, when we have them, with the objective of separating our own judgements from them.

[Firebrand9]

My parents were alcoholics and drug addicts, in and out of jail and mental institutions since I was a pre-schooler.

I treated them both with respect and love at all times. The only times I ever directly resisted them was when they were hurting my little sister. There were times I had to take care of them, or go to them in jail/hospital/institution. My mom finally committed suicide when she was 38, and my dad died when he was 51.

Parents should be treated with respect... certainly no less courtesy than you would extend to a stranger on the street. This need not have anything to do with "power". Basing any relationship on "power" just turns it into a battlefield.

Holy shit Monte! That really sucks, sorry. But the last paragraph, I must make a stipulation. It need not have anything to do with power, but you can't say what other people agendas were in dealing with you, or for that matter, other parents to the other forum members's agendas may've been. For parents who don't deal with their kids as equal or, in my case, adoptive parents with radically different IQ and genetics inclinations, the equation will be much different than yours. Respect is based on how intelligently, rationally, logically, and calmly that person deals with me. What I'm saying is that, in order to not be a power game and thus be a battlefield, both participants must see it that way and treat each other as equals.

[daydreamer]

I agree with Monte that you should fulfil your obligations to your parents. You are obligated to treat them with respect and aid them in serious crises. You are not obligated to actually respect or love them. Respect and love are earned. You can give love if you want, also, but it is not required for you to do so. It just makes your dealing with them easier. Separate who your parents are now from who your parents were when you were a child. In time your parents should do the same if they aren't completely insane and you are reasonably honest about your feelings.

if your parents gave you up for adoption, and then later became a part of your life, are you as obliged to care for them/pay them the same respect as you would/do your adoptive parents?

[Quercusvelutina]

Your parents can only have power over you if you let them, once you are out on your own and are financially independent.

Both my parents were/are total control freaks and almost diametrically opposed to each other in every regard. This resulted in my sister and I being used as proxy combatants for their petty little wars. Moving out was like wandering out of a cave and seeing the sky for the first time. Even then my folks (mother especially) still try to meddle and control. I've often had daydreams about just moving to another country without telling anyone and then changing my name so my family can't find me. In all honesty the only member of my family I really, honsetly care about is my sister. I usually stay pretty uninvolved in family drama, but when someone fucks with my sis, I'm out for blood.

[probity]

I respect my parents and the influence they have in my life. It's hard for me to think of them attempting to hold any power over me because they've never really tried to control me. They did a very good job of raising me to respect their values and let me make my own decisions about them. I love them deeply and have the utmost respect for them. I've never been faced with feeling obligated to love or respect them 'because they're my parents' like most of the people I've talked to about their parents. It's always been my joy to love them because they're such wonderful people. Not perfect of course, but lovely people none the less. I really am blessed to have them as my parents.

[Deliberator]

Mine do, in a very deep and rather uncontrollable way. It's called genetics.

[llBradll]

While I ultimately have control over myself, I do try and make them happy because they do the same for me. My dad is almost a peer role because I see him beside myself. My mom doesn't like the idea of letting go of the parental role. I still sort of play along with it but at the same time I don't. It's complicated but I feel that I'm largely in control instead of being controlled.

[brainysmurf]

I guess most people seek their parent's approval or at least their attention (which ironically might actually be achieved by seeking disapproval).

I'm not ashamed to admit that even as an adult I want my parents to be proud of me. I ask them for advise because of their widsom and not because they wouldn't be proud of me if I made a bad choice. I wouldn't call their influcence on my decisions "power" as they give me advise with my best interest in mind and the final decision is still up to me.

[smashy]

Aren't we adults now able to do as we like? Do we still seek the approval of our parents? Do we still try to please them? To show them that they raised us the right way, that we do the right things.

Have you been able to shrug off the power of your parents influence now that you have become an adult? Should a person try? Is a parents influence there for all of our lives?

I really never related to my parents, to the way they lived (or live) their lives and their decisions, so I never care to please them. I care about pleasing me, I strongly believe in me and in my decisions and having their approval was never an issue for me. When I was a kid I used to think I left the maternity with the wrong family, but I know that's not true because I look a lot (physically) with my parents.

I guess I learned a lot from them seeing them taking a lot of bad decisions. They also passed me some good values, but I'm very different from them and what I want from life and I was always very independent.

[Kaidence]

My father has never had control over me because i didn't live with him but for the early stages of my life my mom had a lot of control over me. Eventually i realized this and for a while i went though a "rebellious" stage. After a while i gave up on that and played along for her sake.

This probably has something to do with me. I don't really "love" my mother. Of course i feel gratitude toward her for all she's done but i guess because of this, she has virtually no power over me.

When i told someone this for the first time they just kinda stared in horror and said "how can you not love your own mother." Then said i was a horrible person and walked away. That was when i realized that not loving a parent wasn't a normal thing, especially when the parent didn't do anything particularly horrible to the child.

Anyways, this could have something to do with the control she has on me.
Sorry for going a bit of topic.

[graciela224]

When I was very young, I was almost worshipful of my mom. It seems weird to me now, but I think a lot of kids tend to idolize their parents.

As I got older, though, her mental illness became increasingly apparent and because of that I have felt like a parent to her since my early teens. There were times when she had marginal authority, and other times when she became a control freak, but I never really acknowledged that power in my heart. I always knew it came from an unstable place. That doesn't mean I don't love her. I love her a great deal, but there is also a great distance between us.

My father has always been an exemplary model of the person I would like to be: virtuous, a strong thirst for truth, and in tune with nature. He's an INFJ, so he's always been something of an enigma, but I've always felt a special connection with him. He has never placed any authority over my head and he never will; I have never had any sort of power struggle with him. Our relationship is very natural.