Please! Trick me into talking to this girl.

[Jeff]

Hi forum, I know I haven't asked for much. Anything, really. Today I'm just asking you for one small favor. I swear I won't ask for anything else. But I really need your help.

There's this girl I like on my swim team. I'm a freshman in college and I know I'm going back to middle school, even elementary school days when I say that I'm just too afraid to talk to her. I don't know what it is, I can talk with any other girls, just not her. I guess I... like her too much (or the dark INTJ equivalent). Numerous times I've planned to go say hi to her, but I've always made up stupid reasons not to go.

I want you to get inside my head, punch out the idiot that keeps sabotaging all of my efforts to have a conversation with this girl, and get me talking with her. Verbally slap me across the face. Please, do anything, I want to blow out this roadblock before it's too late.

[Nightshiver2]

Practice, practice, practice!

Start talking to other girls your not as interested in, talk to random people on the streets, talk to girls online, or on the phone.

I use to be petrified of girls, so I decided for the next 3 months, I would force myself to meet girls on campus and start random conversations. It took me 3 weeks before I had the courage to actually say a word to a girl, and incrementally I improved.

Were my first interactions done beautifully well? Hell no, I was scared out of my wits and the girl could tell. But I improved extremely fast, after meeting about 30 girls, I was already becoming one of the most confident guys on campus. (Do it all in a short span of time)

Your first intentional interaction with a girl you like is going to be scary! That's life!

Welcome to the human flaw of irrational fear, this will also be a good learning experience to reinforce your rational thoughts of outcomes.

[greenblob]

Talk to a girl you're not attracted to and get her phone number.

There, you just picked up a girl. Wow, you can pick up girls! Isn't that awesome?

Now do the same thing to the one you're attracted to. If it doesn't work, hey, at least you still have a girl you can call later.

[dalidaisy]

*smack* Geez dude, what do you have to lose? Is rejection worse than stooping to this? I mean, that's the worst she could do, right? I doubt she will reject you if you just talk to her without hitting on her.

Find something that she is interested in or some subject that you both share (swimming?) & go ask her a question about it. Ask her to critique a stroke of yours or ask her how about how she feels she's doing with hers. I mean, you already have a common interest. It's not nearly as hard as you are making it out to be.

Just take a deep breath, blow it out, walk over to her & start talking. I guarantee you she will talk to you. If she doesn't, you can come back & slap me...

[Anreader]

If you don't talk to her someone else may get to her first. They could get married and you'll never get another chance. Then they will make a terrible Lifetime movie about her having to choose between this reality and the alternate universe where she married you. Don't do that to the rest of us! Just talk to the girl already.

[Rudy]

I generally have to build up my ego a bit before approaching a girl. I remind myself of my accomplishments, and what it is I have done. I'm fantastic! It sounds like just an exercise in vanity, but I find it really helps in that situation.

[DazedDown]

the worst thing she can say is no? And what is a "no" to you? absolutely nothing. I'm sure you're use to hanging out by yourself all the time anyways. So what if she turns you down. But if she says yes.. well u might get a significant other and a little play time too.

Nothing to lose and someone new to gain.

[Deadgod]

Simple. Stop making yourself feel small and us large. We are large enough already and seeing an INTJ not large enough....I'm not cool with that, yo.

And maybe realize that it starts small. Don't blow it the first time.

[zippikay]

...kill your emotion first? then act like business as usual; just put your T and push it to the brink of overriding your F, it should solve any "feeling"-related disease......

[azelismia]

I used to have problems with fear. When I was around 13, I started doing everything that came into my head that scared me or that I thought might make me look ridiculous. Of course, I think something had snapped at that point but it's been a valuable addition to my life to realize that if you do something that makes you appear ridiculous to others or that doesn't go as you want, the world doesn't end and no one really cares or notices but you. Just do it. it will be horrible and terrifying but when it's over you've either got a phone number or you don't. If you don't you're no worse off than you were to start with and if you get it, well that's a huge win...

[demvesalius]

Hi forum, I know I haven't asked for much. Anything, really. Today I'm just asking you for one small favor. I swear I won't ask for anything else. But I really need your help.

There's this girl I like on my swim team. I'm a freshman in college and I know I'm going back to middle school, even elementary school days when I say that I'm just too afraid to talk to her. I don't know what it is, I can talk with any other girls, just not her. I guess I... like her too much (or the dark INTJ equivalent). Numerous times I've planned to go say hi to her, but I've always made up stupid reasons not to go.

I want you to get inside my head, punch out the idiot that keeps sabotaging all of my efforts to have a conversation with this girl, and get me talking with her. Verbally slap me across the face. Please, do anything, I want to blow out this roadblock before it's too late.

No matter what you do you will be nervous, your heart will pound, and you may fumble your words. Accept the fact that you're entering the unknown. Quit trying to control your lustful feelings for her.

Every player before a game is nervous and you must understand that this symptom is natural. The more you try to resist being nervous the worse it will get, so just accept it and the better it will be.

Think of your nervousness as quicksand. If you struggle with it you'll keep sinking and missing opportunities to speak with her. But if you let it be as it is and relax, you'll float and will accomplish your mission.

I guaranty you, whether if she rejects you or not, you will feel better by simply going the distance after your mission is through.

There is no need for any of us on this forum to "punch out the idiot out of you". You're a human male, not an idiot. Your nervousness means you care about her deeply (lustfully). You might want to talk to her before an asshole guy, who is not nervous and doesn't hold her in such favor, asks her out before you do. I mean, you do want to do more than just say "hi" to her right?

Also, I hope you aren't placing her on a pedestal. Hopefully after you say "hi" to her and start a conversation you'll see that she's human after all.

[Vagrant]

...kill your emotion first? then act like business as usual; just put your T and push it to the brink of overriding your F, it should solve any "feeling"-related disease......

Yeah, that's my usual method now, when asking a girl out. I can suddenly drop emotions for a minute or two.

But when I first started asking girls out, I could only swallow my emotions for a second or two. The amount of time I could ignore my emotions has been increased with practice. :p

[wotsamattaU]

Swim team? This works to your advantage.

Force yourself to smile at her, if you haven't already. Then after your work out approach her. Allow the swim to take the edge off for you. You will be more relaxed from the exercise.

Then it's a matter of pumping your psyche up (see response #6) and just going for it. If you have already established eye contact previously, exchanged smiles or 'hello's' in passing this will be easier.

Your psyche self talk should include reminders that this young woman is only human, she has flaws, she is like you and me, etc. Do not place her on a pedestal. This will also help to calm your nerves.

The sooner you break through this roadblock the better. All are correct in saying you will feel better regardless of outcome once you have faced this head on.

You can do this! Good luck.

[John Stew]

Realize that you have nothing to lose. Say you talk to her and say something stupid, or she rejects you. This is not the end of the world. You're in college, right? Depending on the size of your college there are possible thousands of other women. Even if you get rejected by 500 eventually you will learn to talk to women. Quit caring so much about what other people think and just go for it.

[HeyZeus]

I suggest circumcision or foreskin humor if you wear a speedo. But make the comment AFTER you put your robe, towel, or whatever back on so she'll have time to soak it in. Henceforth, only wear oversized, baggy trunks. The suspense will kill her, and she'll ask you for pizza. Or perhaps that's just an amusing vignette based on someone in your situation, fictionally speaking, and would be disastrous to your reputation if you tried it. Did this help at all? Also, if you want any other advice, you can hit me on my private message anytime and we won't have to go so public in our sharing.

[Sliderule]

I suggest circumcision or foreskin humor if you wear a speedo. But make the comment AFTER you put your robe, towel, or whatever back on so she'll have time to soak it in. Henceforth, only wear oversized, baggy trunks. The suspense will kill her, and she'll ask you for pizza. Or perhaps that's just an amusing vignette based on someone in your situation, fictionally speaking, and would be disastrous to your reputation if you tried it. Did this help at all? Also, if you want any other advice, you can hit me on my private message anytime and we won't have to go so public in our sharing.


Perhaps he should just try small talk first. Although there is nothing that can make a man more interesting than him talking about his penis. I suggest that in addition to the above you watch some Kevin Smith movies and study the character Jay so you can adopt some of his methods as well.

[BostonIan]

*SLAP!!* ...You're welcome.

It's just a woman, they're not holy. Think of women as men who have received different hormonal boosts at different periods in their development. They're just a person.

I gotta say, though, I hate tap-her-on-the-shoulder "cold-calling", I'd at least try to "casually" make eye contact first. If you know one of her friends, you can also try talking to the friend when the target is with her, hope for an introduction or an ease into talking with the target.

[Asinine]

Umm... hmm... I am probably not the best one for taking advice on women. But, if you can't even say "hi"... Well, if you have a chance to be courteous to her first without falling over yourself, do so. That will give her a chance to say thank you and for you to respond normally. From that point on, saying hi should be easier. After this becomes fairly natural, you can try to start up some small talk, casual observations about what is going on, what that may mean in the future. That will give you a chance to start evaluating her and her, you in order to find out if there is anything of interest going on upstairs. If you guys have mutual friends, you can always suggest a friendly get together. From here on, I can not really help. There is too much subtlety and ambiguity for me to handle to progress much beyond that.

[auriga vega]

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” - Sydney Smith

[HeyZeus]

Perhaps he should just try small talk first. Although there is nothing that can make a man more interesting than him talking about his penis. I suggest that in addition to the above you watch some Kevin Smith movies and study the character Jay so you can adopt some of his methods as well.

Small talk. Hmmm... Awesome tip. Forget what I wrote, and go with the small talk. Dude--your subtle style of humor is not the only style welcome here, is it? As a reminder, the originator asked to be tricked. Small talk did not quite do that for me, but it might be a good stand-by when you start your advice column. A bit earnest for my taste. Please validate me in your next post.

[Deadgod]

*SLAP!!* ...You're welcome.

It's just a woman, they're not holy. Think of women as men who have received different hormonal boosts at different periods in their development. They're just a person.


Pretty much sums it up. And if you're really that desperate, just think that they also take craps. Although, sometimes that has the negative effect. Hey, but if you're turned off then that probably means you could...I don't know...move on to better things?

[Sliderule]

Small talk. Hmmm... Awesome tip. Forget what I wrote, and go with the small talk. Dude--your subtle style of humor is not the only style welcome here, is it? As a reminder, the originator asked to be tricked. Small talk did not quite do that for me, but it might be a good stand-by when you start your advice column. A bit earnest for my taste. Please validate me in your next post.

I took your post as completely serious, obviously, but after you've been here long enough you'll understand why I did ie: the infamous penis scalpel.

[Lantigua]

Let me start with this minor disclaimer: just remember that you asked for this.

Why are you such a punk?

What are you afraid of?

Does she eats people? Is she going to kill you? Is she going to humiliate you? Is she going to physically hurt you?

NO WAY!

So, really, what are you afraid of?

What's the worst that can happen?

You are not even going to ask her out yet, so it can't be the fear of being told NO.

You are not going to ask her to sleep with you, so your ego will not be hurt at all.

All you will be saying is HI, that's it HI.

It takes less than a millisecond to say HI. HI and a smile.

What is she going to do to you?

She will do what everyone in this world does when someone greets them, she will greet you with another HI, or a smile, or both!

But most importantly, she will acknowledge your existence.

That, my friend, feels good, real good. When the person you like acknowledges your existence, it feels extremely good.

But, you're acting like a punk because you are afraid of feeling good and of being acknowledge by that beauty your eyes have been dazzled by.

Someone will beat you and then your opportunity is gone, finish, no more!

You're an INTJ for Pete's sake, why are you so emotional now.

Stop being a punk and take a millisecond out of you life to say HI and a smile.

That's it, it will come and go faster than you can blink.

And in the end....... its so worth it.

[shry]

girls are really not that complicated, and usually are attracted to some form of weakness (like emotional magpies). but only because we're sick, nauseating perverts. so even if you talk to her at your most nervous, she'll have something to entice her.

and if she pisses you off by assuming your soon-to-pass nervousness puts her in control... you'll get bored of her. and she'll notice, wondering why she's not in the spotlight anymore.

and there you have it. she'll be asking all the questions.

don't talk about something genius to show off. she'll think you're an idiot because she is retarded. just walk up and ask her if she can keep a secret. she'll say yes, because they always do. then simply say "me too", smile, and walk away.

but don't look back. for all that's vulgar and still ungodly funny.... don't look back.

[Sesquipedalian]

It's not the end of the world dude. You ask girls out, you fail and fail and fail, and then sometimes you succeed.

INTJs have this habit of analyzing everything to the point that we've already forseen our future with said girl. We've seen our home and imagined our everyday lives. At least, I've done similar things in the past. You cannot allow yourself to jump that far ahead or allow yourself to idealize her to the point that she's perfect for you in every way. No two people are that perfect for one another. Some are really really compatible, but no matter WHO you date, she's going to have some jacked up issues somewhere.

So, back up a couple of years and consider the fact that half of what you think about her is probably contrived within your own mind... Then ask her out and blow it off if she rejects you (which she most likely will).

Plan for failure, hope for success, that's my motto.

It really does get easier man. It's never really really easy (at least, not for me), but it does get easier.

[seoa]

ok, i think you need to 'get into the moment'... elimate all thoughts of future ramifications... you don't want to date this girl, you don't want a deep conversation with her... the point of talking to this girl is so that you can check off a little checkbox on a list that says "made myself make small talk for 60 seconds with a cute girl" (as part of a life plan that will allow you to make the next step with some other cute girl next month /year /whatever...)

tell yourself that the purpose of this girl in your life right now is nothing more than to achieve the initial 60-second small-talk hit... no consequences...

don't try & be too clever... don't think of something witty or memorable to say... women don't generally care about that stuff (and done badly, it can be an incredible turn-off...)

just talk about something that's going on that day... "did the coach say wednesday or thursday...?" "what time are we meant to be at x...?" "how long did it take you to get home from y the other day when the traffic was awful...?" "oh, i'm so glad it's friday, aren't you...?"

don't overplan the conversation, don't have expectations of where it will go... just make contact...

as i always say - the content is almost entirely irrelevant in small-talk, it's about making that light social connection...

and do the positive visualisation thing beforehand... see yourself as confident, laughing off any mishaps (confused words, long pauses...) if something goes wrong in the conversation, stop talking, count to 3, make that killer-INTJ eye contact and smile... :)

[Sesquipedalian]

We have?.... Killer eye contact?

BUT I HAVE NO EYES!!!!

NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[mel]

definitely talk to her. believe it or not, girls no matter how social or gorgeous dont get that many strangers talk to them. she will be intrigued, even if she decides later that she isnt interested.

who knows, you might bag her.

[Nemesis]

hahahahahahaha you sound like me at 18 my friend! I remember how intimidating it seemed too. Then I figured out a fine way to get the ball rolling even while still being shy. Assuming that you occasionally pass by her at swim meets and such. Just give a quick smile and a simple "hey" as you pass by (no conversation needed). I've never ever encountered anyone who hasn't smiled and said hi back...... test it out on random people at the mall for christ's sake! People return the gesture automatically. You can eventually build more conversation on this over time (but do not draw it out).

If you are feeling really REALLY shy, then here's a sneaky way around it that abuses some social psychology concepts. Do the smile+"Hey!" thing a few times....enough so that she seems to expect you to say it. Then stop. It may only cross her mind for a second, but she will think "why didn't this guy say hi to me today?". That second is long enough. Chances are the next time you pass her, she will be the one who smiles and says hi. It's a subtle way to turn the tables. I still use this one if I feel to lazy to actually make the effort myself.


Keep in mind that the direct approach is way better. The key is to learn how to have fun with it and not take it all so seriously.

I remember VERY well how it is to be too anxious to approach, so I hope I've offered some helpful tips.

[azelismia]

definitely talk to her. believe it or not, girls no matter how social or gorgeous dont get that many strangers talk to them. she will be intrigued, even if she decides later that she isnt interested.

who knows, you might bag her.


uh speaking as a women who was once a girl.. they do get strangers talking to them.. all the time.. I didn't realise I was being hit on all the time until my ex pointed it out to me, then I realised it wasn't because I looked extra friendly or something that men were always striking up strange conversations with me. There was a point in my life in my late teens where I started pretending I didn't know english...

[Nemesis]

uh speaking as a women who was once a girl.. they do get strangers talking to them.. all the time.. I didn't realise I was being hit on all the time until my ex pointed it out to me, then I realised it wasn't because I looked extra friendly or something that men were always striking up strange conversations with me. There was a point in my life in my late teens where I started pretending I didn't know english...

So what's he supposed to do.... not try?

[azelismia]

So what's he supposed to do.... not try?


nope, he should absolutely try. I was simply refuting a point someone else made. let's not lie about things.

[LaoTzu]

You might be 'afraid' to approach her, but your chances are guaranteed to increase 50% if you do. :)

Just convince yourself that she's been waiting for you to approach her.

Be confident!


Even if the absolute worst thing happens, you will learn something valuable. As fantastic as she may be, there are others that will make your heart do somersaults.

[mel]

as a female teenager , im afraid that i dont actually get strangers hitting on me all the time.

I dont know about you guys but im pretty INTJ , so when in a library or bookstore (which where i am most of the time), i might come accross a bit reserved.

now that i think about it, it would be pretty cool to have strangers interested in me to the extent that azelismia says her late teen years were.


and i would be super flattered if strangers hit on me to the extent that i had to pretend not to speak english :)

[ProgFusionRoman]

as a female teenager , im afraid that i dont actually get strangers hitting on me all the time.

I dont know about you guys but im pretty INTJ , so when in a library or bookstore (which where i am most of the time), i might come accross a bit reserved.

now that i think about it, it would be pretty cool to have strangers interested in me to the extent that azelismia says her late teen years were.


and i would be super flattered if strangers hit on me to the extent that i had to pretend not to speak english :)

Nice of you to put it that way for him.

I guess you would agree that all he has to do is be himself!?

[mel]

I would be pretty impressed if a guy who isnt usually very outgoing strikes up a conversation with me.

and of course all he has to do is be himself. If girls want a superficial relationship with their perfect guy i think most would turn to guys like edward cullen or mark darcy

[Jeff]

Alright, I'm back. You guys helped A LOT. Thanks to everybody who contributed.

Over the past few days I've sparked up a few really short conversations with her on the pool deck. Long story short, I'm going to go hang out with her sometime over the upcoming break. I know that I'm sorta awkward with small talk, but if we get into a real conversation my true self will come out and she'll like me a lot.

[Rudy]

...and she'll like me a lot.

Careful not to jump ahead of yourself too much there. Still, sounds like you have a shot. Beware of falling into the trap labeled, "friends", though.