Have you made any meaningful connections?

[Jgib5328]

In my "modern" life (14-20) I haven't made any meaningful connections. I have a bunch of acquaintances, friends, and even good friends, but they don't mean anything to me. I certainly enjoy their company, but it's nothing important to me, one is basically just as good as another. The same could be said about my family, I like spending some time with them, but if I never did again, it wouldn't really matter. However, I do have love for my mother, but that's more of a biological thing. I feel like it has to do with my personality. I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like there's my world and then the outside world and I exist in the former and visit the latter. I'm a part of many things, groups, cliques, but I'm not a part of them. I am on my college's policy debate team, but I don't think of it like that, I debate, but I am not a debater. I don't know how to describe it. I am a separate entity. Is this my destiny? Is it possible to connect? I hope so.

[dalidaisy]

I'm 35 & I have one friend that means something to me. We have been friends since elementary school. She is the only person who truly "gets" me. It's funny, she is ESFP. We have struck a balance that works for us. However, we aren't so close that we talk daily or even weekly sometimes. We've gone months without talking. But, we know we are there for one another. Beyond this friendship, I feel as you do. People come & go & nothing really sticks. I just cannot seem to form a bond. Even when others feel a connection to me, I often sabotage it somehow. I don't know if it's because of our personality or if it is just me, but I can relate.

[une fille]

I really connected with my first INTJ friend I met. I was a loner in disguise throughout school and the like, so I understand how you can be in a group and not really belong.
The truth is, you can't fully know another person.. So, connecting can be very difficult on anything but a superficial basis. I would recommend seeking out more intuitive people like yourself, and seeing if you can build a friendship or relationship that comes to mean something to you.

[Mina]

Most of my friendships, and most of my relationships with family members, have lacked any emotional attachment on my part. I've been attached to guys that I was dating, but those feelings have always dissipated over time.

Right now I've got a few friends, and a boyfriend who I am attached to, but past experiences indicate that it will be short-lived... I guess I've come to view all relationships as temporary... You find someone who serves a purpose, and when they cease to serve that purpose, trade them in for someone else.

It sounds horrible, I know. I honestly hope to make a *lasting* connection with someone someday.

I suppose that I really start to lose interest when I feel that a relationship has stagnated; what I really need is someone who can grow, change, and adapt with me. I think some of my current acquaintances have that potential.

[Lymitra]

In my "modern" life (14-20) I haven't made any meaningful connections. I have a bunch of acquaintances, friends, and even good friends, but they don't mean anything to me. I certainly enjoy their company, but it's nothing important to me, one is basically just as good as another. The same could be said about my family, I like spending some time with them, but if I never did again, it wouldn't really matter. However, I do have love for my mother, but that's more of a biological thing. I feel like it has to do with my personality. I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like there's my world and then the outside world and I exist in the former and visit the latter. I'm a part of many things, groups, cliques, but I'm not a part of them. I am on my college's policy debate team, but I don't think of it like that, I debate, but I am not a debater. I don't know how to describe it. I am a separate entity. Is this my destiny? Is it possible to connect? I hope so.

I have often wondered about this as well. It is a paradox in my mind that I cannot resolve; on one hand, I believe that we write our own future, and yet on the other hand, I believe there are certain traits pertaining to my personality that has and always will put distance between me and the people around me. I am not sure how to resolve that.

I will say one thing though. To connect to those around you, you must want to connect and be genuinely interested in who they are and what they have to say. I find that my past failures (and mistakes) in connecting with people have almost always resulted from my lack of appreciation for them, and I am working on that. Bring someone into your inner world, if possible. It can be a little unnatural and uncomfortable at first, but hopefully it will be worth the journey.

And I wish I could say something a little more helpful, but seeing as I am in the same stage as you, good luck finding these connections you seek. Maybe they are already there, and you have only to realize and hold onto them.

[dalidaisy]

I really connected with my first INTJ friend I met. I was a loner in disguise throughout school and the like, so I understand how you can be in a group and not really belong.
The truth is, you can't fully know another person.. So, connecting can be very difficult on anything but a superficial basis. I would recommend seeking out more intuitive people like yourself, and seeing if you can build a friendship or relationship that comes to mean something to you.

Actually, I've made a few connections here since I joined. I like INTJs. I find them much easier to communicate with & understand. They aren't needy or pushy & aren't easily offended. I wish they lived closer to me...

[Sliderule]

I'm young and so far I've made two. One lasted sorta, although I'm not to sure about it now. From the looks of things on this forum I think that chances are good I'll make a few more before I kick it. If not I can always yell at kids on my lawn in peace without being bothered by friends and significant others.

[Uytuun]

I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like there's my world and then the outside world and I exist in the former and visit the latter.

*nods*

Pretty much everything you said resonates with me. When I was a kid, I would tell my parents that if there was an expedition to a new planet or if aliens wanted to take me to their home planet and I knew I could never come back, I would join them without hesitation and leave everything (nothing to me apparently) behind. Now that I think about it, I would also often repeat stuff like "I want to go home", not in a sad way, though, in a factual way. I tended to look up at the sky when saying that even though I had no concrete place in mind. Except that it probably was in my mind per se. :)

I essentially still feel the same way. The inner world is with you wherever you go and has more in commong with the vastness of the cosmos than with the immediateness of human life...I may find abstractions of people meaningful, but the people themselves...more problematic. Altough developing Fi helps, its pairing with Ni again makes for a very non-concrete and vague/universal experience of meaningfulness. Highly stylised. Some days I will very emphatically sense a barrier between me and the world. You know, when you're touching a flower, but you're not touching it.

I don't know if I don't care for people because I don't seem to care the normal way, though. Maybe my inner perceptions of them suffice. It's difficult to explain this. One would need to re-evaluate the underpinnings of the whole connection configuration as it is commonly perceived.

This is the story of connecting through Ni I suppose.

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[zilla]

I'm married and have known my husband for just over 10 years, we have been together as a couple for 3 of those years and although we have a connection it's often hard work, not in a negative way as such, we just keep working at it because I see value in that effort. He gets me most of the time but I know it's difficult for him when I want some alone time, he stumbles with that.... I also have one close friend I have known for around 15 years, I think we have such a great relationship because we can go for months without seeing or hearing from one another and then we can pick up where we left off and not skip a beat.

There is one of the mothers at my eldest sons school who I have discovered a real connection with the past 12 months and I believe that to be partly because I am very similar to her mother so she has this innate understanding of me so it's all very easy. That ease allows me to open up and therefore build the connection further.

[PeterIMC]

In my "modern" life (14-20) I haven't made any meaningful connections. I have a bunch of acquaintances, friends, and even good friends, but they don't mean anything to me. I certainly enjoy their company, but it's nothing important to me, one is basically just as good as another. The same could be said about my family, I like spending some time with them, but if I never did again, it wouldn't really matter. However, I do have love for my mother, but that's more of a biological thing. I feel like it has to do with my personality. I feel so disconnected from the world. I feel like there's my world and then the outside world and I exist in the former and visit the latter. I'm a part of many things, groups, cliques, but I'm not a part of them. I am on my college's policy debate team, but I don't think of it like that, I debate, but I am not a debater. I don't know how to describe it. I am a separate entity. Is this my destiny? Is it possible to connect? I hope so.

What's a "meaningful connection" to you? You didn't describe that.

As an INTJ you value, see and focus on relations between things. The relation is more important that the objects on both ends of the relation. I guess that applies also to social relations. The people you have the relations with can be anybody. Your focus is on the interaction, not on the people them selves.

I have that too. It takes a long time to get to the point where I feel connected to a person. Right now there's only one that I really feel connected to: My wife. I realized that when she had to travel and she wasn't around for like 10 days. I don't care if I don't see people for a long time, but when she was gone for 10 days, that was a new experience.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, she's the only one ever that I felt connected to.

[True Rune]

This is why I will leave the state after finishing college. I can say I've made at least 2, 1 of them being a little different than the others.

[IceDream]

I sometimes think that I have constructed a world in my head that has more meaning to me than the real world. The people are more interesting. The landscape more beautiful. Everything is more engaging. Sometimes there are people in my imaginary world who also exist in the real world. I only seem to need minimal engagement with the real versions of these people. My interactions with the imaginary versions are better than my interactions with the real.

[LaoTzu]

None for me really...

I've had many friends, and of course my family that I care about.
But not many people who really understood the depths of who I am.

I'm working on my son, but he's more of a listener; he can't bounce ideas back in a new form, doesn't deal in abstracts... (he's 15 though, so maybe he could develop it...but I secretly doubt it. I know where I was at his age...)

The closest to a joining of the minds that I envision to be that connection you are looking for a description of.... was with a friend who I think is an INTJ/P too (now that I think of it). We talked for hours about in depth issues (mostly politics)... I just got a sense that he was as capable of seeing everything as a whole system. He had the same anti-everything streak. He had the same will to take control of it all...

He basically reminded me of.... me. And I'm thinking that's where people like us would find those meaningful connections. I stopped hanging out with him because I quit smoking dope, and he was my contact :P

He went on to take PoliSci, and is now working on becoming a lawyer... So yeah...he probably will take over one day :)

[Uytuun]

What's a "meaningful connection" to you? You didn't describe that.

As an INTJ you value, see and focus on relations between things. The relation is more important that the objects on both ends of the relation. I guess that applies also to social relations. The people you have the relations with can be anybody. Your focus is on the interaction, not on the people them selves.

I have that too. It takes a long time to get to the point where I feel connected to a person. Right now there's only one that I really feel connected to: My wife. I realized that when she had to travel and she wasn't around for like 10 days. I don't care if I don't see people for a long time, but when she was gone for 10 days, that was a new experience.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, she's the only one ever that I felt connected to.

Interesting point.

Gawd, I think I felt connected there for a moment.

*flees*

[Jgib5328]

What's a "meaningful connection" to you? You didn't describe that.

As an INTJ you value, see and focus on relations between things. The relation is more important that the objects on both ends of the relation. I guess that applies also to social relations. The people you have the relations with can be anybody. Your focus is on the interaction, not on the people them selves.

I have that too. It takes a long time to get to the point where I feel connected to a person. Right now there's only one that I really feel connected to: My wife. I realized that when she had to travel and she wasn't around for like 10 days. I don't care if I don't see people for a long time, but when she was gone for 10 days, that was a new experience.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, she's the only one ever that I felt connected to.

A meaningful connection would be one in which the person truly mattered to me and they understood my to a satisfactory (completely arbitrary & subjective) extent.

[HeyZeus]

A few threads right now talk about friendships and how they were achieved.

My longstanding, trustworthy, real friends were gained through humor. I can say that with each of them, I really let it rip. I would advise letting some of your thoughts out, and seeing who perks up. Un-clam a bit and take a risk. Discussions about entertainment are generally good to enter because everyone has opinions, and your opinions might just interest people. But you have to communicate.

I've never been extremely comfortable initiating social gatherings, to include going to a bar after work or hosting parties. But in such situations, without trying to upstage anyone, you can find or force openings to express yourself, and when you say something that demands further exploration, the interested will be compelled to find out.

[Zombicide]

There are few if any people with whom I do or should feel any significant connection to, everyone else is basically just sub-sapient livestock, and most often thoroughly defective livestock at that i.e. something along the lines of guilty until proven innocent, although I more openly express it as the opposite for logical purposes and due to my unfortunately just nature. I have had a deep connection with a few people throughout my life but now that seems almost like a distant memory. There exist those who I feel ambivalent toward, others who I feel a connection to, granted they'll quite likely just turn out to be drastic disappointments. The thing is that I know theoretically that there are many out there in the world, even the universe (I don't literally want to relegate it to humans) who I am related to (only meant in the sense of my exclusive terminology, please don't confuse others by adopting that terribly ambiguous wording) and so I automatically feel this de facto empathetic connection to, which is occasionally reinforced by the apparent existence of rare individuals who clearly share my nature. It's like we're figuratively telepathically connected or like we're survivors atop roofs in some metaphorical zombie horror movie (if even a metaphor), and because of our connection I can feel them getting picked off and eaten alive by these cretinous vermin, if not literally then as in to say that the headache the masses induce can be soul devouring. I sort of think that I don't want to bother trying and that I should like to give up searching because even in the case of people I have psychological certainty that I do relate to, I don't want to lose that by having them turn out to be afflicted with that relatively congenital defect, (for lack of a better word) zombiism.

[Josephine1012]

Forgive me for intruding on this thread as I suspect this is more of a question to other INTJs, but at the same time I could definitely relate.

I've met my first friend (who actually matters) when I was 24, that was 4 years ago. Up until that point, I had a ton of acquaintances and friends, but really I could care less if I saw them or not. I felt like I had to help when they were asking for help, so i guess I showed all the signs of having a connection with them but it was all smoke and mirrors.

There was something about my friend, in the way she viewed the world that was so understandable and yet interestingly different from me. I also was a complete sucker for someone who truly aims to do good and someone who is willing to admit their flaws without ego. It's hard to explain, but the difference in this friendship was very notable. I went from an observer (which is what I had always been) to actually being involved.

True to my ENFP self, I get really excited about new people, but it is similar to going to the zoo and watching exotic animals at play. New people hardly ever get to the part of me where what I'm putting out is actually received in the way that it was intended.

[SteveJrII]

I really only have one or two connections (I'm 20). One is a very good friend, I feel like he 'gets' me the most out of anyone else I have met in my life. The other person is one of my high school teachers who I keep in contact with, sometimes I visit my old school and spend the day with him. He is a little different as I look at him not as a peer but as a mentor of sorts. Other people I value their friendship but if it dies I will not be too heartbroken about.

[Perf]

I've connected with my fiancee, who I've been involved with for 12+ years, especially on the level of gallow's humour. I also have one other friend who is probably (at best guess) an ISFP; we seem to understand each other's limits somehow. I suppose when I am in a foreign enviroment, I don't try to meet friends; I try instead to make connections. I am searching around for people who I can provoke and engage in a good, quality discussion without too much pretense. When that discussion is over, the connection ends and I move on.

Life is a serious of connections. This is one difference between myself and others around me. I am happy meeting someone and hanging around them for 2-3 days, then just letting go and moving on. I don't get hung up on them or me leaving, I just enjoy the fact that I was able to have that time. I think some people make the mistake of trying to hold on to a connection for too long, to make a good thing last longer than it should. If you are in this mind-set, you will really miss the next possible connection that comes along as you're always living in the past. It helps to find ways to increase your sensory awareness for this. A true partner or long-time connection is, in my opinion, someone who you have made multiple connections with, on various levels, over a long period of time. The relationship has strength because it's always being renewed by the energy that each person brings to it each time out.

This theory of mine is actually easily tested. Find someone who you do have a good connection with and tell them something they don't want to hear, or something that will insult them. They will probably walk away and not want to talk to you again. You've just lost a "connection." I know this happened to me. I had known someone very well and we really connected for a while. One bad slip up by me and she was gone. All it took was one bad connection. To continue my wonderful analogy, thing of a friendship as two wires that need to both be energized to provide power to a switch. If one of the wires is not energized at any time, the switch turns off.

Holy crap, that was a mouthful...

[probity]

I have a strong connection with my INFJ friend. We were both thrown into the same situation and were equally uncomfortable with it. We could relate to each other in a way that we couldn't immediately relate to the other girls in our dorm room (there were 5 of us) and we were already somewhat familiar to each other, so we clung to each other for a little stability in an intensely face-paced and chaotic environment. I think, beyond reasons of desperation, we became close friends very quickly because she has the same personality type of my ex-fiance. I'd already spent 4 years of my life dedicated to figuring out how that kind of mind works. As a result I could put up with all of her intensity when others living close to her couldn't. From what I've heard I also think her mother is an INTJ, which could explain how she could put up with my crazy ideas and 'intimidating' presence.

I have/had an intensely strong connection with my ex. The only reason we're not together now is because an opportunity arose, that neither of us wanted to pass on, that would require us to dissolve our relationship for a year. Now that it's been five months since I've had a meaningful conversation him or interacted with him for more than ten minutes at a time I can't say I'm confident in that connection anymore. Honestly, if he came up to me today and said, 'screw this, lets get married' I'd be all for it but not having been around him for so long I have no idea as to where he stands on wanting to start the relationship again. It's not a fun thing and I have seven months until he'll be able to openly discuss it with me.

[Deadgod]

Meaning is just a subjective value we add.

Recently, however, I made a meaningful connection. It was very brief. I met a new person but this person knew a lot about me through intuition. And the intentions of this person were sound but the logic was totally lacking. This person did strike me as ENFx of some sort, ENFJ comes immediately to mind as she said something about being a leader of some religious group.

[Lymitra]

A meaningful connection would be one in which the person truly mattered to me and they understood my to a satisfactory (completely arbitrary & subjective) extent.

So you have a criteria of who they should be. But what do you have to bring to the table? It is my personal view that finding a meaningful connection becomes easier when I give instead of expect.

[PeterIMC]

So you have a criteria of who they should be. But what do you have to bring to the table? It is my personal view that finding a meaningful connection becomes easier when I give instead of expect.

What he said did not say anything about the person he would feel connected to. He doesn't have any criteria about that person. I don't understand how you can come to that conclusion.

and I also don't agree with your view that a meaningful connection becomes easier when you give. In fact, I think that what makes a real connection is when you´re able to receive without feeling the need to give back.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't give, and you´re right, for many people, giving is a lot easier than receiving. Puts you in charge. It's also a very narcissistic trait to prefer to give rather than to receive.

[Jgib5328]

So you have a criteria of who they should be. But what do you have to bring to the table? It is my personal view that finding a meaningful connection becomes easier when I give instead of expect.

I have criteria of how they should act, it doesn't necessarily matter who they are. My idea of a meaningful connection is where both parties give and receive in equal amounts, I shouldn't have to give more than I receive.

[Lymitra]

In fact, I think that what makes a real connection is when you´re able to receive without feeling the need to give back.

Can you elaborate? I'm curious about your viewpoint because I have always thought of such a relationship as unbalanced. Would you still give back if you didn't feel a need to? Or do you mean you prefer not to have the pressure of having to reciprocate?

Doesn't mean you shouldn't give, and you´re right, for many people, giving is a lot easier than receiving. Puts you in charge. It's also a very narcissistic trait to prefer to give rather than to receive.

It is narcissistic if the person doesn't want what you have to give, in which case you are forcing yourself on them. If they are interested in what you have to offer, however, I don't see how it can be narcissistic.

[Zilal]

I have connections that are meaningful to me all the time. Just getting an unexpected smile from a stranger can be meaningful to me, and it feels like we're connecting. There are many people in my life that I feel I've shared something important with and I like all those memories.

The number of people I've ever felt attached to is far fewer. People I have (or might) shed a tear over if they left. Just a handful.

[yepunsarang]

I guess for an INFJ (like INTJs and INFPs alike) i've been blessed with having people to understand me. For us types, it's hard to make really good acquaintances with others, so I don't have a gazillion such people, but certainly more than average i'd like to say.

Most of my closest friends are either INTJ or INFP---my parents are both of the type and same with my twin. Although I still feel misunderstood in daily life, I feel like I have a good support network to fall back on.