Funeral - First Time Help

[MaleVolentworld]

Ok my first ever funeral at the age of 26 is tomorrow for my grandad, who I was not close to and hadn't seen for decades.

The idea of:
a) Being with a massive extended family
b) In a room of weeping adults

Really scares me. I hate showing my emotions and I am determined not to cry, I am very nervous about this, any tips apart from staring at the floor and thinking of something other than death but not sex or something amusing?

help!!!!!!!!!

[Rudy]

I had the same problem last year, at my grandfather's funeral. Are you trying to hide the fact that you weren't very attached to this person, or are you just trying to avoid being emotional? I need to know before I can offer any advice.

[noueux]

Say hi to everyone you know at least once, shake hands and give hugs, see the body, then find a cousin who looks to be in the same situation as you. Usually people cry more often at viewings than funerals, anyway. Whatever you do, don't run off and hide. There'll be people in the immediate fam watching out for it, and they'll be offended. At viewings, I busy myself by picking the stamen off lilies (They tend to dust up and stain the flowers if they're left on), or arranging all the magazines and pamphlets and things.

Other ideas: Be the right-hand-man to whoever you're going with. Bring tissues, and get them water and pills and etc. It's a lot easier to be busy than to sit around, uncomfortable. The trick is to make yourself busy with something acceptably funeral-related.

If you're lucky enough to have a section of the family who are heavy drinkers, you'll probably go out after, and everyone will tell hilarious and increasingly inappropriate stories about your grandfather, then move on to more lighthearted topics about What Are You Doing With Your Life. Be prepared for the question, A LOT, actually.


EDIT: Also, if you can find a fellow Black-Sheep-Of-The-Family, stick with him or her. You'd be amazed how much you can have in common with another product of your Family's shunning.

[curiousjane]

Just be quiet. Be yourself, but be quiet. Don't say anything that you know will tick off your family who is more SJ about traditions, but also don't deny that this will impact your life, even though you weren't close to your grandfather.

I cried at my grandfather's funeral last year, but in actuality, it was more anticipatory than anything else (and a reaction to my grandmother's weeping after the gun salute to a war veteran) because I knew, deep down, it would be worse when my mom died (she did die ... about 5 months later ... from cancer ... and I barely cried at all at HER funeral).

Everyone responds differently to grief. And if you have no grief, just be one of the quiet ones. Look down, if you must, so you don't catch anyone's eyes and they won't try to lean on you and sob. Stand in the back at the gravesight, arms behind your back and hands clasped, military style. Take it in. Move on.

Don't be surprised afterward, at the meal or gathering of family, if there is laughing and joking about old times. Find a cousin you were closer to and just hang out. It's not crazy. Life goes on.

It's okay to feel differently than others. Just don't be a jerk and sneer inwardly at any family members who are more susceptible to emotional outbursts. It will pass.

[TheLastMohican]

I've been to four funerals in recent memory, and all of them included humor and positive socialization (mostly after the ceremony was over). Gatherings of extended family almost always include anecdotes and momentary happiness, even if the initial tone is that of mourning. That means you can probably get away with showing little or no emotion.
If you're worried about crying when you don't want to, don't. Given what you said about not being close to the deceased, I doubt it will be an issue, and if you do show emotion, I doubt anyone would fault you for it. It is a funeral, after all.

It's uncomfortable being stuck in a room with a lot of distraught people, regardless of your own composition. I was usually silent and generally under the radar in such cases. Unless you draw attention to yourself (or you are already well-known and in some way interesting to those present), you won't be bothered much. Overall, it's not such a big deal; you just have to be there for a while, and then go home when everyone else does, without attracting extra attention.

[jerr]

I agree with curiousjane, everyone grieves differently and people around you, the family, should understand that's just how you're grieving (even if you're not really.)

My step-mother passed away 4 months ago and even though it was hard and I was quite attached to her, I almost did not cry and nobody had anything against that. The people really grieving just want you to be there for them.

[LofK]

My mother's funeral was last week. I did not cry because I don't do that sort of thing. Nobody noticed because they were focused on their own feelings.

After the service, it was like any family gathering: food, children, cameras.

Some people cry, some people don't. I agree with the advice to not run away, to keep yourself busy meeting the needs of others, exercise discretion in what you say and do.

Don't be surprised if you have a surge emotion some time later when you least expect it. Our brains do things on their own time.

[Pandemonium]

I had to force myself not to laugh at the odd expressions of the celebrant.

[Asinine]

Ok my first ever funeral at the age of 26 is tomorrow for my grandad, who I was not close to and hadn't seen for decades.

The idea of:
a) Being with a massive extended family
b) In a room of weeping adults

Really scares me. I hate showing my emotions and I am determined not to cry, I am very nervous about this, any tips apart from staring at the floor and thinking of something other than death but not sex or something amusing?

help!!!!!!!!!

I never had any problems with funerals other than being expected to "let it out" by some of the family members. It is not fun, but it's nothing to be fearful of. If you feel like weeping, weep. You are expected to be out of character. I find for myself, a somber attitude, which is what I feel like, is enough.

Remember, these are family and friends. Masking the emotions of the moment is typically not required. Just don't try cracking jokes or something like that which can provoke people. And, if you need to recharge in the middle of it, there is usually someplace at the funeral home where you can get a little privacy.

The problems come later, when it comes to the will and who gets what, especially when it involves overly emotional and (normally) psychologically unbalanced family members. Then you may have to worry about dealing with some quietly jealous and quite frankly paranoid people. But, unless you are deeply involved in that, typically you don't need to worry about that.

[Tempest]

I've been to one funeral, and nobody cried during the viewing. If they did, I was too busy being disturbed at the whole stupid ritual to notice. Most people, including me, cried during the burial service. If you cry, most likely no one will even notice. Most people at the funeral I went to were focused on themselves or had their heads down. The service really isn't that bad, and afterwords there's food and a sense of unity almost (well, that's how I felt, anyway).
If you really get bothered by the service, then just think about how great your delayed gratification of being home again will be like. That's what I do when I'm doing something I hate, and it seems to work out pretty well for me. :)

[Maja]

Not only does everyone grieve differently, but people have different funereal beliefs and processes based on culture or community (yes, even among neighborhoods), so our advice might not be useful the more particular it gets.

The one thing most funerals have in common is that they're held for the living. Just be there for your family because they asked you to be there, whether you know them well or not, and that's just about it. Do whatever they ask you to because it's a special occasion and they asked you. They won't ask you to do anything you can't.

[CaseBlue]

I have been to quite a few funerals in my time (I think a dozen or so in the past 3 years at least). I agree with the above posters. I am quiet and some people who grieve seek those they perceive to be stronger (as in, not crying) than themselves. So just let them borrow your shoulder for a bit.

[zippikay]

Ok my first ever funeral at the age of 26 is tomorrow for my grandad, who I was not close to and hadn't seen for decades.

The idea of:
a) Being with a massive extended family
b) In a room of weeping adults

Really scares me. I hate showing my emotions and I am determined not to cry, I am very nervous about this, any tips apart from staring at the floor and thinking of something other than death but not sex or something amusing?

help!!!!!!!!!

...hate showing your emotion? would you actually think that you would cry? or hate that people will find out that you lack emotion?

i know that when i attend my grandma's funeral (she actually baby-sit me for many years and i even remember her kindness and all such), i saw her there, not moving, then i remember her who used to be moving, then i saw everybody crying..... but i don't feel anything... weird...

well, if you have the same kind disorder as i do, i would suggest pretend to be sad, try to look care, ad especially don't laugh (especially if your mind tend to wander and all of sudden you came to remember something funny without any particular reason at all)

other than that, just show your emotion, it is normal and people actually expect you to cry....i think...

[MaleVolentworld]

Ok it was over, a relief.

I had a wobble at one point thinking about it, i.e nearly broke down, but managed to hold on by thinking of other things. It...thinking of other things also made me nearly lose it a few times.

Weird thing was, I was shaking like hell and tingling all over and feeling light headed.

[alphawolf]

The idea of:
a) Being with a massive extended family
b) In a room of weeping adults

Really scares me. I hate showing my emotions and I am determined not to cry, I am very nervous about this, any tips apart from staring at the floor and thinking of something other than death but not sex or something amusing?

help!!!!!!!!!


I can see why you are scared.

You want help, here it is. But you are not going to get the answer that you want to hear.

Pay attention to the funeral while you are there and you might learn something. Don't waste your time spacing out.

You don't want to / are scared of show(ing) your emotions because you have been taught to be ashamed of them. Order in the court! (your mind), the internal shaming committee is once again in contempt. Time to throw their malignant asses out of the courtroom.

I get emotional just being around other people who are emotional, even if I barely knew the deceased. It just hurts me to see other people in emotional pain, because I really sympathize with them as fellow human beings. I can sense their pain, feel their pain, share their pain. I don't try to calm them, I just let them cry. Trying to calm a crying person is emotional abuse (shaming). It is telling them, teaching them that it is shameful (=nothing to be proud of) to express emotional pain when others can see, and encouraging them to cover themselves and suppress their emotions.

Shame is an effective punishing/corrective tool used by the authorities when an individual breaks the laws of that society. It is not against the law to show emotional pain in public, at least not in any country I've heard of. Those would-be law-enforcement officials who try to shame (punish/correct) you for openly showing emotional pain are doing nothing more than repeating a cycle of emotional abuse that they themselves have received. Break the chain, cry in public if you damned well feel like it. If someone tries to calm you, tell them that you don't want to be calmed. If they try to walk away in their own shame (ok, I'll just let you have your privacy and cry), then tell them to hell with that, if you really care about me then just look at me and be here with me. Do not try to shame me. Do not shame yourself because I didn't allow you to shame me, because that is also another attempt at shaming me. Stop it.

You got the point?

[MaleVolentworld]

alphawolf

You are right about the link between shame and repressing yourself from crying. Crying makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't want to feel vulnerable.

However, there must be a time when you do have to control yourself and stop crying all of the time. There has to be a balance, I don't know how it is reached, between never crying when upset, and crying every single day for a long time.

[alphawolf]

There has to be a balance, I don't know how it is reached, between never crying when upset, and crying every single day for a long time.


To begin with, cry every single day for a long time until you are finished. Thereafter, just cry for a short time every time you are upset, to prevent things from building up.

Free your mind and your ass will follow. Or something like that.


BTW, good lyrics here:

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[loosefanbelt]

I wish I had caught this thread earlier. You managed to get through. That is big.

It is true that every situation is different and also, more to the point, the denial of death in our culture makes a person of your age have no tools in their toolkit to deal with these inevitable situations. I think our culture sucks the big one on this topic.

I find, for myself, that the biggest help is to have companionable warmth in any hard situation. Someone to accompany you and be quiet and open and mindful. If you can pinpoint a person to accompany you in these times, it can help you stay present and feel anchored. Just a thought. Hope your family finds comfort in the days ahead...