Divorce...

[chipdouglas]

I know that by the end this will sound like an NF post, but for all of you who have been divorced, I want to get your insights:


What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
Do you think it was something you did?
Was it something your mate did?
Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?


Obviously there will be a bias toward personality here, but try to think more broadly here. I suppose examples could include differences in:


Religion/Politics
Activity Level
Introversion/Extroversion
Tidiness
Geographic Preference
Work/Leisure Schedule
Life Goals
Etc.


Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? What did you learn?

Feel free to tell your story, or just keep it brief if you're so inclined.

P.S. WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?

[anamatria]

I know that by the end this will sound like an NF post, but for all of you who have been divorced, I want to get your insights:


What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
Do you think it was something you did?
Was it something your mate did?
Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?


Obviously there will be a bias toward personality here, but try to think more broadly here. I suppose examples could include differences in:


Religion/Politics
Activity Level
Introversion/Extroversion
Tidiness
Geographic Preference
Work/Leisure Schedule
Life Goals
Etc.


Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? What did you learn?

Feel free to tell your story, or just keep it brief if you're so inclined.


What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
I would say it was the fact that when we got married we were both dysfunctional and that seemed to work. We were a co-dependent abusive yin and yang. I ended up fixing myself and well, fell out of love with him because I saw our relationship for what it really is.
Do you think it was something you did?
I think I was too immature to have seen how dysfunctional the relationship was.
Was it something your mate did?
It was both of us.
Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?
A little bit of both. He was 15 years older than me and we came from very different backgrounds and had very different experiences in life.



If I could do it again, I would have broken up with him 2 weeks in. We just didn't have anything in common, we didn't like doing the same things and we both had horrible tempers and shitty communication skills.

[Harmony]

The big one for me was his work/leisure schedule. I hated trying to carry on a conversation with him because it was guaranteed that his work would call and disrupt it... So it got to the point where I didn't even bother talking. I'd say like four words and that was a conversation... Not to mention he told me that he advanced faster than I did because he put in more hours than me... Wasn't fair for him to say that because I'm hourly... If I put in more hours I get in trouble. =P

The other thing was when he told me he didn't want to go to college because he already had a good paying job without a degree, why should he get one... And my response was, and if you lose that good paying job and can't get another one because everywhere you go wants a Bachelors or at least an Associate? To which he told me I'll deal with that if it happens... Just annoyed me that he could have taken classes for free, but thinks that he's just the greatest and doesn't need it...

I'm not sure if the extroversion/introversion was another issue, or if it had to do with his group of friends, versus mine... I couldn't stand any of his friends. They were all immature brats and being around them just angered me... So he'd get mad that I never wanted to go out with his friends and him.

I am not good with dealing with affection and feelings, so he often got his feelings hurt because I just didn't know how to show him I cared. We had many arguments over that. I think this is why I just want to stay friends with people for awhile now instead of jumping back in the saddle and dating again...

And the other thing was, he was pushy... I don't like being pushed and that's all he ever did. He wanted a new car because his was a gas hog... Wouldn't look around, found THE CAR he had to have and bought it... Now regrets it. HAD to have a house RIGHT NOW... He doesn't understand future consequences at all.....

If I could go back and do it all over again.... I never would have given him the time of day to be completely honest.

[intjdude]

my complaint is mostly irresponsibility and communication issues... of course she'd say i might be controlling and demanding... it's probably just a lack of similar goals, 'method of', or 'strategy of'.

but unlike the other posters, i'd do it again cause it was mostly enjoyable... it's just that we hit a wall and 2 is no tie breaker... what do you do when talking fails?

i suspect she's an ESF*... also, i must explain what i mean sometimes or she doesn't necessarily understand what i say... it's pretty draining... maybe it's me ;D

ironically my parents have similar types and behavior among themselves... unfortunately, it doesn't work itself out over the long run...perhaps even gets worse unless one caves





intjdude added to this post, 28 minutes and 42 seconds later...

btw, towards the end she confided in one (or two) of her friends that I don't get along with (especially in ideology)... i knew then it wasn't going to go well... personally, i think she should have confided in some of our mutual friends to get a balanced opinion... Of course when I brought this up, she accused me of trying to destroy her support structure... hmmm... very interesting ;D

[azelismia]

mine ended because my ex had issues with aggression/violence/mental issues (possibly drugs not sure) and the law and I valued not being any more damaged then I already was.

[Harmony]

P.S. WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?

He comes out as an ENFJ, however, I think he tested wrong, I'm pretty sure he's an ESFJ...Because he really lives in the present and never even thinks about his future... Suppose it's also possible that he just has a low N though.

[lancelot]

mine ended because my ex had issues with aggression/violence/mental issues (possibly drugs not sure) and the law and I valued not being any more damaged then I already was.

Resonable grounds for divorce by anyone's standards!



Ps. My own reasons for divorce are more subtle, my Ex. never thought I would meet her financial needs.

[Harmony]

Resonable grounds for divorce by anyone's standards!



Ps. My own reasons for divorce are more subtle, my Ex. never thought I would meet her financial needs.

I should introduce her to my ex.... He liked to point out that he made way more than me frequently....

[lancelot]

I should introduce her to my ex.... He liked to point out that he made way more than me frequently....

My ex hooked up with a guy with a nice house and a swimming pool. She has told me recently she does not love him. They still she each other but no longer live together. My ex and I have talked about our marriage and had I worked harder we would still be together. She had come from an abusive relationship which made it harder for her to trust. I now realize my ex and I were very well matched. I would have worked a lot harder at the relationship if I knew what I know now!

[azelismia]

My ex hooked up with a guy with a nice house and a swimming pool. She has told me recently she does not love him. They still she each other but no longer live together. My ex and I have talked about our marriage and had I worked harder we would still be together. She had come from an abusive relationship which made it harder for her to trust. I now realize my ex and I were very well matched. I would have worked a lot harder at the relationship if I knew what I know now!


Eh, I'd be wary here, it sounds like she's a manipulator. from what you just said it sounds like she is "gaming you on"

[lancelot]

Eh, I'd be wary here, it sounds like she's a manipulator. from what you just said it sounds like she is "gaming you on"

No, I have greatly over simplified the situation. She was and still is very nice, she wasn't after money. We were together over 8yrs. The whole thing was my fault I was young and stupid, if I had the chance to do it over again, I would be the perfect husband.

[Santana28]

What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
That would be his inability or unwillingness to address his issues, which were many. I could tolerate the issues so long as he appeared willing to address them or work on them - but on a long enough time scale it became apparent that this was an act.

Do you think it was something you did?
Yes - i tolerated much more than i should have, and i continued down a path i knew which i shouldnt be going out of simple stubbornness to get to the bottom of his problems

Was it something your mate did?
A myriad of things, some very very bad. But as ive said before - it was more the fact of his unwillingness to address his issues seriously than any one issue in itself.

Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?
Yes, but part of it was due to his deception. He spent years cultivating an impression of himself that was not entirely based on reality - and emulating my methods in order to give off the perception that he was approaching things from my rational viewpoint, which was not the case.


Obviously there will be a bias toward personality here, but try to think more broadly here. I suppose examples could include differences in:


Religion/Politics
Me? Atheist when we met, he was responsible for my 'converstion' to a Believer. Him? Lifetime evangelical churchgoer.
Activity Level
Minimal - marriage made it much worse. Sex? Next to nothing... complete lack of desire on his part.
Introversion/Extroversion
About equally introverted/extroverted... although he liked to garner attention for himself, and i shied away from it.
Tidiness
I'm a little more cluttered than him... he didnt always appreciate it, but no big issue.
Geographic Preference
Me? Anywhere but here. Him? Here, nowhere else :(
Work/Leisure Schedule
No fun to be had together, so why try? After marriage it seemed we lost all sense of enjoyment going out together... more fights than fun.
Life Goals
Mine were vastly different than his, although at the time we were married he pretended to want the same as mine - and then quickly retreated into the sterotypical dull existance of other people.
Etc.
Too many to list


Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? What did you learn?

I spent 8 years with him, 4 married. I wanted to call off the wedding, but i didn't want to embarrass my family.. looking back, i would have called it off. However i don't regret the relationship, as painful as it was. I've learned how to deal with and process an immense type of stress... Ive learned how i cope with things (for better or worse). I've learned that no matter how hard you try, if the other person is not capable of change then it will never happen. I've learned that even i can be fooled by a very good liar... I've learned that if you want to believe something *so* badly, you will overlook anything. I've also learned that i am capable of a very immense amount of love... even despite some of the worst things a person can go through - i'm still capable of love. That makes me feel good about myself, despite my mistakes.

P.S. WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?[/QUOTE]

He tested INFP, but i really think he was ESFJ or ISFJ
He was a counseling psychology major... he was good at telling tests what they wanted to hear.

[lancelot]

What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
That would be his inability or unwillingness to address his issues, which were many. I could tolerate the issues so long as he appeared willing to address them or work on them - but on a long enough time scale it became apparent that this was an act.

Do you think it was something you did?
Yes - i tolerated much more than i should have, and i continued down a path i knew which i shouldnt be going out of simple stubbornness to get to the bottom of his problems

Was it something your mate did?
A myriad of things, some very very bad. But as ive said before - it was more the fact of his unwillingness to address his issues seriously than any one issue in itself.

Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?
Yes, but part of it was due to his deception. He spent years cultivating an impression of himself that was not entirely based on reality - and emulating my methods in order to give off the perception that he was approaching things from my rational viewpoint, which was not the case.


Obviously there will be a bias toward personality here, but try to think more broadly here. I suppose examples could include differences in:


Religion/Politics
Me? Atheist when we met, he was responsible for my 'converstion' to a Believer. Him? Lifetime evangelical churchgoer.
Activity Level
Minimal - marriage made it much worse. Sex? Next to nothing... complete lack of desire on his part.
Introversion/Extroversion
About equally introverted/extroverted... although he liked to garner attention for himself, and i shied away from it.
Tidiness
I'm a little more cluttered than him... he didnt always appreciate it, but no big issue.
Geographic Preference
Me? Anywhere but here. Him? Here, nowhere else :(
Work/Leisure Schedule
No fun to be had together, so why try? After marriage it seemed we lost all sense of enjoyment going out together... more fights than fun.
Life Goals
Mine were vastly different than his, although at the time we were married he pretended to want the same as mine - and then quickly retreated into the sterotypical dull existance of other people.
Etc.
Too many to list


Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? What did you learn?

I spent 8 years with him, 4 married. I wanted to call off the wedding, but i didn't want to embarrass my family.. looking back, i would have called it off. However i don't regret the relationship, as painful as it was. I've learned how to deal with and process an immense type of stress... Ive learned how i cope with things (for better or worse). I've learned that no matter how hard you try, if the other person is not capable of change then it will never happen. I've learned that even i can be fooled by a very good liar... I've learned that if you want to believe something *so* badly, you will overlook anything. I've also learned that i am capable of a very immense amount of love... even despite some of the worst things a person can go through - i'm still capable of love. That makes me feel good about myself, despite my mistakes.

P.S. WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?

........Santana it's interesting hearing what women want, so come on spill what are you looking for in a man?

Hi, I'm at work I can't really go into it now, but if I could get into a time machine, I would be so good to her. I have said this to all my friends, and of course they don't understand, they don't know her like I do.

We both thought a great deal before getting married, we were both very carefull. We were well matched!





lancelot added to this post, 4 minutes and 22 seconds later...

Eh, I'd be wary here, it sounds like she's a manipulator. from what you just said it sounds like she is "gaming you on"
Do you still believe in marriage? or have you given up on being happy ever after?

I only make a little over 40k a year, most of the women I meet at work make around 60k. I know we say money isn't that important, but i see it like this, men want a good looking partner, and perhaps women want a man who can take care of them! If this is how it works, then I'll finish grad. school and make more money!

Is this the way it works or not, come on tell me what you think!

Ok, no one's talking, I'm leaving going to lunch!

[intjdude]

A note of contrast is that although I'd do it again, I wouldn't really make any major changes. I stick with most of my decisions. Perhaps I'd reconsider some minor decisions.
So it wouldn't last a lifetime anyway second time around.

Most things don't it seems.

[Shinqui]

My marriage to an INFJ ended for many reasons.

* What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
Manipulation

* Do you think it was something you did?
My overdeveloped sense of responsibility for her allowed a destructive relationship to continue for some time. In retrospect, I should never have started it.

* Was it something your mate did?
It was more of what she is, and what I am.

* Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?
The F was a huge problem, the INJ part led me to believe that there was more understanding than there really was. Incredible baggage and mental illness on her part also contributed to what was ultimately a lack of compatibility.

I would not do that relationship again. Whatever one happens next will be incredibly different, because I am different, and what I am prepared to give and accept, has changed dramaticaly.

[lancelot]

"I spent 8 years with him, 4 married. I wanted to call off the wedding, but i didn't want to embarrass my family.. looking back, i would have called it off. However i don't regret the relationship, as painful as it was. I've learned how to deal with and process an immense type of stress... Ive learned how i cope with things (for better or worse). I've learned that no matter how hard you try, if the other person is not capable of change then it will never happen. I've learned that even i can be fooled by a very good liar... I've learned that if you want to believe something *so* badly, you will overlook anything. I've also learned that i am capable of a very immense amount of love... even despite some of the worst things a person can go through - i'm still capable of love. That makes me feel good about myself, despite my mistakes.
P.S. WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?"


Santana, you have to talked about all the things you have endured, did you do anything wrong in the relationship?

I am not making a judgement, I was just curious, I think if you give love you should get love in return.

[intjdude]

I only make a little over 40k a year, most of the women I meet at work make around 60k. I know we say money isn't that important, but i see it like this, men want a good looking partner, and perhaps women want a man who can take care of them! If this is how it works, then I'll finish grad. school and make more money!

Is this the way it works or not, come on tell me what you think!


Maybe that's the first thing they look for. But I don't think it stops there.

A good looking woman isn't enough for me. It's a start.

[lancelot]

Maybe that's the first thing they look for. But I don't think it stops there.

A good looking woman isn't enough for me. It's a start.

Yeah, you're right! Only thinking about money or sex is really shallow!

I'm not saying sex and money are not important, but you can't build your life around them.

[Santana28]

Santana, you have to talked about all the things you have endured, did you do anything wrong in the relationship?

I am not making a judgement, I was just curious, I think if you give love you should get love in return.

Oh, absolutely... i am by no means perfect. I can be quite the asshole when i want to be. When i say i want honesty, i MEAN it - and if you're in a relationship with me that means you'll hear it when i think you're being lazy, stupid, etc... and it also means i'll come right out and tell you when/if i'm cheating on you. I had no qualms about doing that, and i was incredibly cold and hurtful to him at times... especially when i felt he was being illogical and 'weak.'

Speaking of cheating... there was one of my glaring mistakes. Actually, it was a coping mechanism - an extreme one. I didnt cheat because i 'fell in love' with someone else... i simply wanted my physical needs met, and in my logic deduced that if i removed that animosity by meeting my needs elsewhere, i would be better able to confront the issue without as much of a bias as i would have had otherwise. I should have known that if it had reached that point, then it was over anyways... why delay the inevitable? Live and learn.

I'll say it again... live and learn.

[SeaCzar]

WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?

ESFx (If I had to guess, x = j/p, not J/P).



What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
The complete inability to communicate and understand each other. This led to us becoming increasingly incompatible. Throw a kid on top of all of this, and, well, you can only imagine.

Do you think it was something you did?
To be fair, I am an only child, and, at risk of understatement, I am not easy to live with.

Was it something your mate did?
Hindsight is 20/20 or better. She became increasingly irrational. She my have been bi-polar.

Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?
By the end, it was across the board. We ended up literally despising one another. This may be the worse thing you can say about another person, but its true: She taught me how to hate.


Obviously there will be a bias toward personality here, but try to think more broadly here. I suppose examples could include differences in:


Religion/Politics
She was Catholic and on the left. I am a WASP and on the right. We did not butt heads too much on this.
Activity Level
N/A.
Introversion/Extroversion
She could not understand my need for space and time alone. This was not that big an issue, though.
Tidiness
I am so anal retentive, if I sit down, I suck up the furniture. This was not too much of an issue, though. She did think it was odd when I completely re-arranged the kitchen.
Geographic Preference
N/A.
Work/Leisure Schedule
This was a huge issue. At the time, I had my own business. I had to be king first and husband second (many may find this difficult to understand, but when those who work for you depend upon you because they have mortgages, kids, etc., your primary responsibility is to make sure that business runs well. I worked quite a lot, and as things went downhill towards the end, I am guilty of using it as an excuse). We discussed this prior to marrying because I knew this issue would come up, and wanted this to be absolutely clear. Everything was fine until she decided to make it an issue, despite previous clarity.
Life Goals
I would suggest to anyone even contemplating children to have as many details as possible worked out prior to actually having them.
Etc.
In the last year, it was one constant, heated arguement after another over the stupidest shit you could imagine.


Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? What did you learn?
Again, hindsight. But I sure as fcuk learned a lot from that train wreck. I would never have married her if I knew what I was going to endure. She made me someone I was not, and that will not ever happen again. Knowing how this sounds, if I learned anything, its that I am better off by myself. No drama, no emotional bullshit, and peace. What's not to like? Give me a friend with "benefits" any day.





SeaCzar added to this post, 8 minutes and 14 seconds later...



I'll say it again... live and learn.


Amen to this, sister!!

[lancelot]

Oh, absolutely... i am by no means perfect. I can be quite the asshole when i want to be. When i say i want honesty, i MEAN it - and if you're in a relationship with me that means you'll hear it when i think you're being lazy, stupid, etc... and it also means i'll come right out and tell you when/if i'm cheating on you. I had no qualms about doing that, and i was incredibly cold and hurtful to him at times... especially when i felt he was being illogical and 'weak.'

Speaking of cheating... there was one of my glaring mistakes. Actually, it was a coping mechanism - an extreme one. I didnt cheat because i 'fell in love' with someone else... i simply wanted my physical needs met, and in my logic deduced that if i removed that animosity by meeting my needs elsewhere, i would be better able to confront the issue without as much of a bias as i would have had otherwise. I should have known that if it had reached that point, then it was over anyways... why delay the inevitable? Live and learn.

I'll say it again... live and learn.


Hi Santana, you asked me what type my Ex was,... I'm pretty sure she was ISFJ. She was very logical, able to block her emotions, and yet nuturing.

[alphawolf]

What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage?
Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored?



Tidiness


Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? What did you learn?

P.S. WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE?


The latest ex wife is an ISFP.

Biggest contributing factor to divorce was lack of emotional intimacy. It was just as much her as it was me, though, so no blame.

She is also lazy and very untidy. For that, I blame her.

Yes, I have learned a lot. First thing is to fix myself, and then look for a woman who doesn't have too many emotional problems.

Finally, I read this every single day, sometimes twice, to remember how to live:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

.

[dalidaisy]

I can't help myself. I'm gonna answer your questions & spill my guts. Enjoy...

I'm putting this one at the top: WHAT MBTI TYPE WAS YOUR MATE? ESFP

First of all, I won't be playing the blame game. There are two sides to every story & I understand that I am as much at fault as he is for us entering into relationship that was doomed to fail. I do not hate him. I do not fault him for being who he is & I truly hope that he is able to find his happiness. He is a shell of the man I met right now. He is devestated & hopeless. He thinks he cannot live without me. It is a sad state, to be sure, but he needs to grow up & put on his big boy britches now. I've moved on & so should he. *fingers crossed*

What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage? - There was no single issue. It was the combination of many issues...

Do you think it was something you did? Was it something your mate did? - It wasn't something either of us DID.

Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored? - Definitely this, but it wasn't ignored. We tried to overcome it. We both changed who we were in order to make it work.

Differences in:

Religion/Politics - Nope, we saw eye to eye on these topics, which was awesome
Activity Level - Nope, except I usually had more energy & prefered to go longer
Introversion/Extroversion - Yes, he liked to be around lots of people & enjoyed being the center of attention
Tidiness - Yes. Me = tidy, Him = messy. This drove me up the wall.
Laziness (I added this) - He liked to do nothing but play. He never helped with the kids, the house, the finances, the cars, etc
Geographic Preference - Nope, he was cool with going anywhere I wanted to go, as long as he was with me
Work/Leisure Schedule - Nope, although for a time, we both worked from home. This was BAD!
Life Goals - Yes. He likes money, prestige, admiration & worst of all, THINGS

Also, if you could do it again (or already have), what would you change? - I would only do it again because of my daughter. She has blessed me with her presence & teaches me new things everyday. If there were such a thing as old souls, she would be one. I'd hate to miss the opportunity to know her. But, I would have left right after conception if I had known the way it was gonna go...

Would it be yourself, or your choice(s) in a mate? - I would like to have tried to stay true to myself instead of trying to be what he wanted...

What did you learn? - That I am not sure if I have the capacity to fully love someone for richer or poorer, in sickness... That I should be myself no matter what. If someone doesn't love me for all that I am, they are not worth my time. That I can be a really cold person & things that affect other people just have no real effect on me, like, say, adultery...

My marriage lasted way longer than it should have due to my inabilty to say no. My ex was a master manipulator & knew how to keep me from leaving. After the birth of our daughter, I was literally done. I had nothing left. He had manipulated me into having a child & after suffering a miscarriage & an almost immediate second pregnancy, I just lost my will to care anymore. I became distant & cold. He blamed post-partum depression & convinced me I'd get over it. After we moved into our BIG house, I asked him to let me have my own room. He moved to the basement. We lived in the same house, 2 floors apart for 3 long years. We passed each other on the middle level & the interactions usually led to arguments. He would yell, I would grow quiet & the kids would cry. It was ugly. I asked him for a divorce on a regular basis. We would have a talk about it & decide to end it. Then, the next day, it was if nothing had happened. This happened over & over & over again for years. It got to the point where I would just avoid him completely. The kids & I ate ate our meals seperate from him & stayed gone a lot. It was a miserable existence. Finally, I snapped. I had somewhat of a breakdown & came out of it with a renewed sense of myself. When he was gone on a business trip, I packed our things, grabbed the kids & left. I can't remember ever feeling so free. I could breathe again. I started enjoying things again. I started seeing my friends more & getting out. I regained my self-confidence & never looked back. Now, here I am sharing my experience with you lovely people. This is a much happier place...

I guess the bottom line here, for me, is if you are standing at the alter & the officiant asks you if you do & you really don't, SAY NO! I swear I was standing there thinking about how my life would be when it was over. I just didn't have the guts to end it before it started. I have been such a doormat in my life. It makes me sick to think about it.

By the way, for those 3 years in the big house, we never had sex. Did I cheat? Hell no. Did he? Of course. Did I care? Not one bit, although he really wanted me to.

Now that I understand personality types, I can tell you that I'm 100% certain that I will never have a relationship with another ESFP again. I am fairly sure that this relationship was doomed from the start based on the INTJ-ESFP pairing alone...

[HeyZeus]

I am an INTJ guy divorced from an ESFP. The most self-centered person I have ever encountered. Thirty "I love you's" and twenty "your gorgeous's" a week might have been enough for her...possibly. A black hole of emotional and material want. Stated she "cannot handle criticism". She was 13 years younger, and I knew it was going to be difficult when we were engaged, but she was pregnant (unplanned), and not sufficiently stable to be a single mother of my child. Yes, she was gorgeous, but oy vey. She decided to get the divorce. As Matt Damon's character said in the movie The Departed, "I'm Irish, I can tolerate [a horrible marriage for years]" because all I wanted was to have my son under my roof. So now, we wait for a court date: custody trial. As Denzel said in Training Day, "you got mad squabbles, boy." Yes, I do in fact have mad squabbles. You don't try to take a responsibility as important as a child from a responsibility vacuum INTJ.

In sum:
1) ESFP (was planning to jettison the lady when I learned she was pregnant, which changed everything)
2) something I did? No
3) something mate did? Yes. A show in constant search of a spotlight.
4) single issue? her reneging on each pre-marital agreement, and her attraction to the clubs when she should have been home with her family
5) fundamental incompatibility? yes. as stated above, her immaturity and selfishness, and her need to be a star in the club scene diametrically opposed to the family life I sought.

[zilla]

I first got married reasonably young, we had been together 4 years so when he proposed it seemed like a natural progression. We were officially married only a few months. I finished uni and bought a house, he finished his apprenticeship and got the sack from work. I changed jobs to earn more to pay the mortgage and set him up in his own business. He sat on his arse all day with no intention of ever working and smoking pot with his gronky mates.

I knew before the wedding I didn't want to marry him but I felt obliged to and without ever having felt much of a connection with anyone I went along and did it anyway.. that and the big financial investment my parents had contributed.


* What single issue most heavily contributed to the breakup of your marriage? Immaturity/Incompatibility

* Do you think it was something you did? I come from an abusive background so my inability to communicate on any level (I would just simply shut down) meant I couldn't address the issues so I became withdrawn and resentful.. then angry, very angry

* Was it something your mate did? He was a lazy, immature clown who used to follow me to work and stole all the property out of our home whilst I was at work (including the letterbox from the front yard and the number off the front of the house). He saw potential in a financially stable wife, he started sleeping with a woman who worked with his mother and because his mum worked in a legal firm he took me to court when I said I wanted a divorce so without legal fees on his part he tried to bankrupt me and take possession of the house.

* Was there a fundamental incompatibility you didn't realize or that you just ignored? The fun and freedom we had when I was at uni was short-lived when I graduated and started working full-time. I was driven, he was looking for a meal ticket. I am intolerant of BS.


I think the life goal difference was huge for us.


It's been 10 years this year since I first married. I got married for the second time in October last year. I had a child in between with a man who told me I was incapable of ever co-existing with another human being, he knew me well (but turned to drugs saying I was too full-on for him).

I have done a lot of self work the past 10 years due to a number of factors. I am now far more self aware and better able to communicate in a relationship. Having known my now husband for so many years is a distinct advantage though he admits he wishes he knew what was going on in my head sometimes. I am myself, I accept who I am, I accept my shortcomings, I am learning I am human, and I work hard at my relationship. I made that decision for my children (I have another child with my husband).

It's funny because I sometimes find the 3 years I spent as a single parent easier than functioning in this tight family unit...

I will add though that I love his tight family unit, I am learning so very much being a part of it.