Secrets and Advice

[Marlowe221]

I ran a search on this topic and I couldn't find anything - but I swear I remember seeing something along these lines before.....


I seem to attract people who want to tell me their secrets or want my advice on something (usually a practical question about dealing with another person). I do not solicit this and don't even want it to happen - it just does. Of course, I then feel some obligation to help.

Is this an INTx thing? Or am I just broadcasting a "hey-I'll-be-your-hero" signal that I'm not aware of?

Thanks.

[JoshuaFairtex]

You are not alone in this, it is a painful and puzzling lifestyle. Every single person I know comes to me for help, i've even asked them why me before out of curiousity (so I can figure out how to prevent it) and the answer I get everytime is, "you are the most logical person I know who can judge a situation with zero bias and feeling attached and you always seem to be right"... I do enjoy hearing people say I am always right, but it still gets annoying solving the same superficial problems over and over, feels like a highschool.

[Quercusvelutina]

Ugh...this is one of the reasons I don't like getting involved with too many people at one time. Sometimes they don't seem to realize that I've got my own problems to deal with and I can't be their therapist/village priest 24/7. It is a nice ego stroke now and then, though.

[Hjordis]

No, I don't know what it is, but I have the same problem. I don't really mind most of the time, but when the same person comes to be with the same problem 5 times it gets old.

[Zhen]

yeah me too. That's why I can't keep too many friends or I get drained very very quickly. You're in a privileged position though- feel honoured.

[LaoTzu]

I think it's a lot like people who don't like cats always seem to have their friends cat sitting on their lap... Its the fact that the cat knows you wont be bothering it, and just wants a warm place to sit.

Same with people. They know you aren't going to be trying to get over on them or take advantage... you'll just give solid , detatched advice and let them be.

And the fact that INTJ's typically don't roam with 'the group' gives you the benefit of being an 'outsider', it's less likely that you'll be sharing your discussion with so many others.

I had the same problem... but what's worse, it was always my friends GF; and I had the hots for her, but the scruples to know that she'd be happier with him ... lol!

[Marlowe221]

yeah me too. That's why I can't keep too many friends or I get drained very very quickly. You're in a privileged position though- feel honoured.

Yeah, my g/f has noticed that this happens - even with her friends - and she said I should feel good about the fact that people care what I think and think enough of me to value my opinion.

I guess my hang-up with the whole thing is that I am so different from the people that ask for my advice that I am afraid whatever I say will simply be inapplicable. Perhaps I also feel unworthy to the task...

[Pika]

Actually, I don't think it has that much to do with you. There is a certain type of person out there who just love to spill their guts to sympathetic listeners. I encounter them fairly often, so does my wife who is much more of an N and F than am I. If you listen sympathetically, they can occupy hours of your time. They are the same sort of people who get on television shows and tell the world about how they have sex with (fill in the blank) or who are in love with a goat. Don't take them too seriously and they will go somewhere else. They believe that all people were created interesting. They are wrong.

[guardian789]

I hate being everyone's confidant. I have the same problem, and yes we send out multiple signals...one saying that I can see things logically with emotions getting involved. Another one saying that I can come up with the most likely scenarios that are to occur. And lastly, because we don't talk unless we have something to say...or a least I don't...we come off as well...wise.

[darkeldar88]

I've been told quiet a few secrets, including those ones that could be very damaging if they got out. If I don't remember them on a fequent basis I'll forget them and the problem not longer exsists of me saying it by accident. They usually don't involve me so im not really interested in them and making them easy to forget.

[altoid]

This happens to me too. I've got a mental warehouse of various people's secrets. Maybe I'm quiet and calm enough I look trustworthy? I don't get it either.

[ClydeB]

I used to have this happen quite often. But once I realized that I only had to give them just as much sympathy and ear time as I wanted, it became much easier to deal with. For some reason most people do not want to hear themselves compared to a broken record. Or told they should seek professional help. But I call it as I see it.

Even if it's just "No, I do not want to hear about it"

[Deliberator]

I have noticed that people don't seem to have a problem sharing secrets with me. I don't have much of a problem with it, as long as they allow me to be objective and unemotional about it. Actually I think that's why they like it; as if the fact that I am not likely to react emotionally or be morally judgmental about it makes them feel safer and is more therapeutic.

I have however had some bad luck with drama-queen types (of both sexes) that I've had to abruptly extricate from my life. Eventually I just wanted to say: No, complaining about the shit in your life that you refuse to fix does not make you "deep" or "complicated" or "interesting", it makes you lazy, annoying, and seriously retarded.

[Necrosis]

The worst part is telling them I don't want to help anymore. They get mad b/c they knew I'm capable of solving their problem claiming that it is my responsibility.... hilarious.

[TwinStar]

I have the same problem and always wondered why. I always have people I barely know spilling their life stories to me or asking me for relationship advice. It used to be flattering, but now it's pretty tiresome. Another big one is people I don't know well (girls in a friendly way, guys in a relationship-y way) getting really attached really quickly. Does anyone else experience that? Just wondering if it's another INTJ thing.

[SeaCzar]

This is an interesting topic, and it happens to me as well. I would like to know why. I have a few very good friends, and keep the rest at arm's length, if for no other reason.

[intjdude]

I find it hard to say no... in a way it feels like the 'obligation' that you mentioned... so they keep asking cause i keep helping... even in biz! I'm surprised i make any money.

must learn to be more selfish :whip:

[changos]

I seem to attract people who want to tell me their secrets or want my advice on something (usually a practical question about dealing with another person).

Is very clear for many how we enjoy finding logic in situations, also how we often have more than one point of view or explanation for the same thing. People like to hear options (sometimes, hope!) and some enjoy theorizing, discussing... just like us.

As for secrets, it happens the same to me. I used to judge and critic but I kinda stopped. This makes others feel safe (as you were ok with what they say) so they keep opening up. I've been told many secrets... and they are safe with me (people know that) but sometimes, very good people tell me dark secrets that are hard to deal with. So I learned to be careful. Some things are not the same after you hear this or that.

I do not solicit this and don't even want it to happen - it just does. Of course, I then feel some obligation to help.

Many things happen without us wanting to happen. People see you, read you and choose you. Reasons? that's another question.

Of course, I then feel some obligation to help.There might be the answer. Trust me, just like a doctor can tel if you have problems with your stomach watching your thong, some people can detect a guy or a girl that cannot say no. Careful... long to describe (read manipulation, passive aggression and my favorite: codependency) and you will find some clues about it, sometimes we think we are helping... while the other person is just feeding the part that makes us want to stay or participate in the circle.

Is this an INTx thing? Or am I just broadcasting a "hey-I'll-be-your-hero" signal that I'm not aware of?
It might be, we are kinda famous as problem solvers. And not usually caring for what people think, we keep secrets. I don't know... you might have some hero thing... role and behavior books have pretty much all you need to tell if you have that kind of thing.

I have this theory (secrets)... us, being able (if we want to) to stay with no facial expression, we can go deep into our friends social life. We might act like "oh yes, I know what you are talking about" and even as some acts (their secrets) might seem absurd to us, we are able to put ourselves in their shoes finding some sense... this feeds people telling us more and more and more. And some say we are bad listeners... I guess it depends.

Also, remember, we love to try our brain in any problem... is like cookies.

[playthestatic]

I get this a lot, especially with people in the lower years at school. They tell me I seem very sensible and 'experienced', which may or may not be true depending on what they want advice on. It could be an INTx thing- but I'm inclined to think it's more an xNTJ thing, because we do, most of the time, project a slight 'aura' of confidence that tends to come with our (relative) certainty in our ideas and thoughts. Thus, we may appear very good at managing things and giving advice.

People who come to me with their problems can get disillusioned by my low tolerance for extended complaining, though - I'll give the best advice I can, and listen to them rant, but it tends to reach the point where I want to tell them to take my advice, or don't, too much complaining and indecision won't get you far! But I do realize that all some people need is a sympathetic listener, and although I wish I could be of more help in that department, it can get frustrating listening to someone talking about the same problem for too long, especially if you've already given them advice and they can't seem to make up their minds whether to take it or not.

[Zilal]

Heh... no. It's extremely rare I have people open up to me or ask my advice on something. I assumed it was those "get away from me" vibes I send out.