Playing Games

[Josephine1012]

This is a topic that I have seen rehashed over and over again in various threads, so I decided it would be interesting to dedicate a thread solely to it.

How do you know when someone is playing with you?


Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?


Do you play along or do you write the person off?



If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?


Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?



Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?


I'm trying to keep this thread "equal opportunity" since I am genuinely interested in all inputs.

I personally have a very negative view of games, but that is a conclusion I came to as a result of several experiences of both being played and attempting at playing myself.

[Sean O]

* How do you know when someone is playing with you?
In general, games seem to involve the woman in question trying to get me to either do, or put up with, something annoying and/or ridiculous. Basically, I ask myself, "If sex weren't a factor, would she really expect me to put up with this?" If the answer is no, then it's probably a game/test.

* Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?
I usually view it as immaturity. I do expect to be tested a little bit, simply because that just seems to be something that most women make a point of doing every now and then. The key thing is whether she does it too much. I'm not going to jump through hoops for her before I even know if she's worth it.

* Do you play along or do you write the person off?
I don't play along. Whether I write her off is a matter of how far she takes her game-playing. If it's too frequent, or if I see no end in sight, then I'll write her off.

* If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?
As soon as I realize that she's going to far with it, I make the decision.

* Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?
No. I don't need to.

* Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?
I don't play games. If I were to play games, I wouldn't do it to someone I cared about.

[Quercusvelutina]

I'm assuming that you are talking mainly about dating/romantic relationships, but I'll also include work/social relationships in my resonses, if its all the same to you.
How do you know when someone is playing with you?
I can't really put it into words...its like there is something not quite right about the interaction. Something is off about how they are talking to me or acting around me, and alarm bells start going off in my head. It's like when you see a rabid animal in the woods and you key in on little things, like it isn't walking quite right and isn't acting scared, etc. Gut feeling I guess.
Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?
Yes on manipulative, maturity/genius depends on my personal view of the other person's intelligence. Either way, I hate it when people try to manipulate me.
Do you play along or do you write the person off?
I'll only play along if I want something from the person or if I'm going to be stuck with them for an extended period of time (co-workers or classmates). Anyone else will be promptly drop-kicked out of my life.
If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?
Depends on the skill of the manipulator and the intensity/duration of the manipulation. A subtle and skilled game player will survive longer than most, but as soon as I recognize the manipulation I make a decision in a matter of seconds.
Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?
Never seriously, unless I need/want something from the other person and they are the only person who can give it to me in said situation. I will sometimes mock play with people I like, sort of like a social version of a sparring match. Both parties know what is going on and know the game isn't being played for keeps but more for practice and keeping your skills sharp.
Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?
See above. True game playing is reserved for those I do not respect and view only as a resource to be used and then discarded. I only play with people I care about in a "play fighting" manner and even then I don't do it that often.

[Josephine1012]

I'm assuming that you are talking mainly about dating/romantic relationships, but I'll also include work/social relationships in my resonses, if its all the same to you.



I definitely had in mind both. I became familiar with the romantic type of game playing in my early 20s because I became a target of someone who was a very successful manipulator (needless to say, given my naivete at the time he succeeded with me as well).

I didn't encounter workplace games until later, once I was already somewhat familiar with general manipulation tactics people will often use.

I guess to rephrase my earlier question, game playing can be lumped as manipulation in general (an indirect/dishonest means to reach a certain end).

[Synamon]

My Ni is like a bullshit sensor. All my life I've always know when someone was a 'user' or trying to manipulation me or someone else. Most people do it in one fashion or another (including me), most of it is harmless, a little reverse psychology, some passive aggressive whining, whatever.

Sometimes I'll string them along, but usually I just ignore it. They only manipulate you if you react. It's the reaction they want, be it positive or negative. Watching people fight it is like watching someone tangle themselves in a net or trying to get out of quicksand.

I'm usually direct and blunt, games and testing people just lead to misunderstandings. There are times when I approach a subject tangentially instead of head on, that's tact more than manipulation. I have no interest in controlling other people, there are better ways of getting what you want.

[Zilal]

I usually get the impression someone's playing a game if they seem to be trying to get a particular response from me. But I don't get this impression a lot; I don't think people try games on me very much, because game-players are usually drawn to people who are a lot more reactionary than I am.

I always think immaturity is involved. Some people who are passive-aggressive, I assume they learned that from their parents and don't even necessarily realize that that's not a good way to get what you want. Other people (some pick-up artists) are clearly conscious of what they're doing, but it still doesn't strike me as very adult.

I never want to play along. My impulse is always to shut the game down. This gets to the point where I'll refrain from agreeing out loud with someone who's trying to get me on his side, even if I agree with him internally.

I do play some (mild) games myself. Like sulking a bit and hoping someone will ask me what's wrong, instead of just initiating a conversation myself. But it's not because I'm trying to be manipulative, just because it's such a strain for me to initiate social contact when I'm in a bad mood.

[Allie]

I have limited (very limited :laugh:) experience with past relationships, so I am always trying to learn (for the heck of it and for personal improvements and comparisons), but get stumped when the topics involved things I seem to lack the experiences or knowledge on.

Can someone give specific examples of this? What are some of the games/manipulations involved?

How do you know when someone is playing with you?.

[Josephine1012]

How do you know when someone is playing with you?



What I've noticed the biggest tale tell sign is inconsistency in behavior. A big part of it is bluffing like in poker. When someone calls their bluff they quickly readjust the tactic.

Something else, I've noticed people will misrepresent their knowledge and understanding of you. For example, they will know a certain event took place in your life (through the grapevine). They will try to use that piece of information to their advantage without letting you know that they know. In these cases, their intuition about your life is suddenly through the roof and timing for suggestions, offers, new ventures is far too perfect to be a coincidence...

Romantically speaking, the most common technique is push/pull. I really like you one day, but disappear the next, and I leave you some clues along the way as to what you should be insecure about... If you're a nice person and you want to maintain this "relationship" you generally go out of your way to fix things. The more work you put into it, the more involved you get.

Ugh, always makes me want to think twice about maintaining a friendship with a person when something like that happens.

[Rudy]

How do you know when someone is playing with you?

Hard to say, exactly. Basically when they try to appeal to my emotions to get me to do something I would not otherwise do. Detecting it is difficult to put into words...

Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?

I can certainly appreciate the genius behind a manipulation, but this does not make it any less despicable. Perhaps it makes it even more so, since they are consciously doing it.

Do you play along or do you write the person off?

Write off, if at all possible. My favorite thing to do in response it to directly deny them the thing they are trying to manipulate out of me. For example, if a co-worker is trying to dump some of their work on me through such methods, I will directly say "I'm not going to do X for you," as soon as I realize what's going on. Interestingly, these are often things I would have done if they had just asked directly.

If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?

Well, if this is someone I am going to have to deal with in the future, I put them on probation in my head.

If it's someone I just met, I generally terminate the relationship if possible.

Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?

I'm ashamed to say that I did do so with my parents, as a teenager. At the time, it was an immature reaction to their use of guilt to manipulate me. It's something I regret now, and would not do again.

Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?

See above.

[rara avis]

I don't think I notice much when there are games afoot... I know they happen around me, I'm just not tuned in, I spend so much of my time getting around people instead of really engaging them.

If someone is pressing me to do something or behave in a way that is counterintuitive for my purposes, I think I'm most likely to just ask them directly what's going on, or what it is they'd like from me, and to then tell them what I'm willing to do or not do.

If their response seems cagey - if what they're saying doesn't add up with what they're doing, or my sense of it... I guess I mark them as "creepy" (one of my favorite imprecise adjectives), give them the widest possible berth, and move on as quickly as I can.

If what they're angling me into works alright in the first place with what I want to do, then no confrontation necessary, I suppose I don't mind going along.

My own games are, I think, pretty unintentional - I don't notice I'm doing it until it's already working or not working. For me to pull it off, I have to have some grain of truth or belief in my ruse. I suppose I can be a little passive aggressive - appearing to be sulky or withdrawn can be a surprisingly effective way to get some types of people to dance to your tune. :)

When I'm focussed on trying to get people to do something a certain way - my way - I can be unfortunately direct. It's like it doesn't occur to me, going in, that anyone would refuse to "see reason" - so I don't think in terms of machinations, I just lay my cards on the table. When I encounter opposition, it's shocking and frustrating, and I often wish I had thought in the first place to try to be sneakier about getting my way. I rarely do think that way, though - because I don't always predict that people will refuse to do what makes sense to me... :rolleyes:

[Nikita]

When I'm focussed on trying to get people to do something a certain way - my way - I can be unfortunately direct. It's like it doesn't occur to me, going in, that anyone would refuse to "see reason" - so I don't think in terms of machinations, I just lay my cards on the table. When I encounter opposition, it's shocking and frustrating, and I often wish I had thought in the first place to try to be sneakier about getting my way. I rarely do think that way, though - because I don't always predict that people will refuse to do what makes sense to me... :rolleyes:

I do this, as well, as I prefer to be direct and honest. The result, unfortunately, is that people tend to find me too forceful, rather like a bulldozer or a nuclear bomb (to use one friend's descriptor ;)). The only difference is that I don't really find myself wishing I'd been less than forward. If I sense that being more cunning would have garnered the result I was seeking, I immediately lose respect for the other party, but I don't change my tack because then I would lose respect for myself. I've noticed that as to certain survival situations, I naturally take a more "effective" approach, but I'm not aware of it until after the fact and I admonish myself for my actions.

I don't look for signs of manipulation, but red flags pop up of their own accord. I don't question the red flags. From that point on, they are forever incorporated into my every interaction with the person, and those interactions become far less numerous.

[Allie]

Thanks for the examples Josephine. Since this is related to all relationships (romantic, friends, others), I recall certain things and see where this is going.

How do you know when someone is playing with you?
I don't. I just go with the expectations I have for honest relationships, and take actions as needed if others deviate from them.

Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?
Manipulative. Knowing me as they do, they should know better.

Do you play along or do you write the person off?
Break off. Life is short. I don't have time for those kinds of games with people I expected more from.

If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?
Once I caught on, very quickly (almost immediately). I just broke off a long-time friendship partly due to this.

Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?
Only for business transactions. It's the usual strategies to accomplish business goals. A certain roofing contractor who tried to play games with me, came to mind. :irked: I think this is related? Otherwise, then, no.

Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?
No to the former; and I don't care to play games, if at all possible, for the latter (see above roofer).

[goofychick]

Such a good topic.


How do you know when someone is playing with you?

I approach friend/romantic relationships with full honesty and trust until the other party gives me reason to doubt. In work, I'm the totally opposite. I mostly believe everyone is a player (could be since I work in government where hardly anyone is what he/she seems). The playing usually manifests in bringing up topics for discussion that are merely smokescreens for trying to learn other information, or asking leading questions. It's usually easier for me to pick up on being played if I am interacting face to face with the person. They tend to either look you straight in the eye or not at all!

I will have to say I have changed positions on this over the years. When I was younger, I was very wary of players in friends/romance and not so much at work. But certain relationships changed my perspective. That could be because I am now pickier about who I begin friendly/romance relationships whereas work relationships are forced upon me.



Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?


I think they are trying to be manipulative and they think they are smart enough to pull it off. Might work with others, not with me.



Do you play along or do you write the person off?

Depends. Sometimes I have played along but that is rare. It tends to be a waste of time.



If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?

Fairly quickly. If it's a working relationship, I tend to limit my dealings with them. And when possible, I try to make record of future dealings. For example, I won't take phone calls from the player but will communicate via email so there is always a written record. Or I follow up an in-person conversation with a written memo to all parties affected.



Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?

Usually I don't unless there is something important that can be gained by playing these games. The last few times have been at work. Once I needed to prove a supervisor was a manipulative bitch who shared all "confidences" with others. I only did this because a friend/co-worker had been hurt because of the manipulator. Another time was to show that a local reporter whom everyone in the city trusted was a big fat liar.



Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?

I would never play with someone I respected or cared about in any way. And honestly, prefer not to waste my time with those not important to me.

[Zilal]

Can someone give specific examples of this? What are some of the games/manipulations involved?

It's often just an indirect way of getting someone to do something, sometimes because you don't want to deal with the anticipated conflict/repercussions/rejection of doing it in a direct way.

You might try to get compliments by saying, "Oh, I'm so ugly."

You may never ask your significant other to do anything for you, so that they'll look demanding by comparison and you'll have a "reason" for not doing what they ask of you.

You might insult someone subtly, so that they spend the rest of the night wondering what they did wrong and trying to get on your good side.

Or it might be a way of interacting with people that reinforces some idea you have--that you're a victim, that people can't be trusted, etc. You might never offer an opinion on what to do in the evenings and let your significant other decide everything, then blow up one day saying that you never get to do what *you* want.

[JohnDoe]

How do you know when someone is playing with you?
Intuition and inconsistencies.


Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?
Its rarely a sign of immaturity.


Do you play along or do you write the person off?
If I wrote off everyone who had ever tried to manipulate me in the work place, there would be no one left to work with. If you don't see this at work, then your either working a minimum wage job or you need to look harder.
Personally, it depends on their intentions. If their intentions were good, things are probably salvageable.



If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?
5 seconds.

[Allie]

It's often just an indirect way of getting someone to do something, sometimes because you don't want to deal with the anticipated conflict/repercussions/rejection of doing it in a direct way.

You might try to get compliments by saying, "Oh, I'm so ugly."

You may never ask your significant other to do anything for you, so that they'll look demanding by comparison and you'll have a "reason" for not doing what they ask of you.

You might insult someone subtly, so that they spend the rest of the night wondering what they did wrong and trying to get on your good side.

Or it might be a way of interacting with people that reinforces some idea you have--that you're a victim, that people can't be trusted, etc. You might never offer an opinion on what to do in the evenings and let your significant other decide everything, then blow up one day saying that you never get to do what *you* want.

Thanks Zilal. I see what you're saying. These sound so convoluted and complicated if I try any of them, I'll be the one ended up getting manipulated instead. :laugh:

No wonder we avoid relationships like the plague. Relationships are already hard as they are, without having added more twists and turns from the ones we're supposed to count on.

This reminds me that in personal relationships, playing games require too much efforts which could be better used toward another more useful approach -- ones that are also more within your control. Relying on others inputs based on a certain hope that people will react the way you want, is putting yourself on the defense from the start. Not a sucessful strategy, or an honest one.

[Josephine1012]

It's often just an indirect way of getting someone to do something, sometimes because you don't want to deal with the anticipated conflict/repercussions/rejection of doing it in a direct way.



Unfortunately, there are times where there is no specific goal in hand, just the sheer pleasure from knowing they can control someone else. I can't put my finger on it, but it has to do more with observing the specifc person than anything else...

If you get that funny feeling about somebody, it's good to take a look at how they are around other people. People with such control issues have a tendency to brag (since their goal is to show how good they are as opposed to reaching a pragmatic end).

[Harmony]

How do you know when someone is playing with you?

Normally... I just sense something isn't right... The last guy that played me was good... Made me second guess my thoughts because he claimed he was just like me and always over thinking everything.... Since that happened, I'm a little bit more cautious on trusting some one... More so than usual. =P

Do you view these people as strictly manipulative or do you often view it as immaturity or genius?

Depends on how they use it... I manipulated my dad the other day, but it had to be done. The man is so stubborn and what he wanted was never going to work if he didn't break down and upgrade his cell phone... So I manipulated him into upgrading his phone so he could have what he wanted... Now if only me and my mom could get him to trade his truck in and ghet a new one since his keeps breaking down... And after our wreck last Monday it's not considered totaled....

I don't know that I'd call manipulating someone immature, as much as I would consider it selfish.

Do you play along or do you write the person off?

Most of the time I write them off... Some I won't write off completely, I just know that I have to be very cautious around them, and they really have to earn my trust back.

If you write them off, how long does it take you to come to that decision?

It really depends on how bad they manipulated me and what for... And as far as time... It can be anywhere from a day to write them off, to weeks of turmoil for me. =P

Do you ever initiate these games yourself? And why?

Hehe, I initiate games for fun, not for harm. Like if I know I'm seeing someone that I'm interested in and I know they are interested back... I flirt through phone calls, texts, or emails throughout the day to build anticipation.

Would you ever play with someone you respected or cared about or is it something that is only reserved for those who are not important to you?

Like I said, if I initiate games it's just to build suspense and anticipation. I'm not in it to hurt anyone. And if I'm manipulating someone it's probably because they are stubborn and needed a swift kick in the ass.

[Synamon]

How do you know when someone is playing with you?
Intuition and inconsistencies.

That's how I know too, someone who acts very different with different people when there's really no reason for them to. The inconsistencies are the red flag.

Unfortunately, there are times where there is no specific goal in hand, just the sheer pleasure from knowing they can control someone else. I can't put my finger on it, but it has to do more with observing the specifc person than anything else...

Yes, manipulating gives them a rush and it becomes something they do all the time. It's not about immaturity, it's about control.

As Zilal described, their actions are often passive aggressive, that's another red flag for me. They always seem to be testing people, instead of connecting with them. All the testing helps them find your boundaries and keep you off balance.

[2501]

That's how I know too, someone who acts very different with different people when there's really no reason for them to. The inconsistencies are the red flag.


I think it is good to not jump to conclusions with this. There are some people that are simply chamaleonic by nature and tune their personalities according to who they are with at the moment. This does not mean they are malignant. I think the key in this is the goodwill of the manipulator, but of course, how can you know?