INTJ's trying to find a partner?

[MadmanMSU]

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I thought I would make a forum post to see if I'm the only one.

I can't seem to find anyone to be attracted to.

It's not that I don't have options. There are plenty of girls that I'm *kind of* attracted to, or that are attracted to me. And I'm not asexual...I desire a relationship, someone to be close to and intimate with. But it seems like every girl I meet I can't seem to click with in the way that I want to. They're either too simple to keep my brain stimulated, or they're too intellectual and have zero feelings or expression.

I don't think my standards are too high... I'm not even terribly superficial. Am I just weird?

I would *love* to date an ENFP once. In high school, I had a girlfriend who could read my mind, almost literally. It scared me and turned me on at the same time... but obviously it didn't work out, we were far too young to understand what it meant to be in a relationship. I've never been able to find that again though.

I don't even know where to look anymore. The bar, classes, online dating, work...nothing. I'm starting to think I should just settle for something.

I'm going on a date tomorrow with a girl that I know, not because I'm incredibly attracted to her (though she is attractive, and we do get along well), but because I'm bored and I just want to go on a date, period.

Anyone else feel this way? Any comments would be appreciated.

[rara avis]

Yep, that sums it up nicely. I'm just naturally selective. So to speak.
I don't really mean to be; it is what it is. It's something I do appreciate about myself, but it can be very, very frustrating.

[Shinqui]

INTJ’s and their ability to “mastermind” things probably have a very good idea at any given time of what type of mate their looking for. If you don’t, flex your mind and find out. Then, perhaps, start going where that type of person can be found.

Best of luck!

[BostonIan]

I'm somewhat in the same boat, but for different reasons. I'm surprisingly unpicky when it comes to women; it's more of a binary "Yes" or "No" for me, and I'll likely marry the first "Yes" that I have the opportunity to.

What's holding me back is lifestyle incompatibility with the general population, and also that I've neglected the career and financial end of things for so long that I'm just not a surficially-obvious "good husband" prospect at this point.

But, the cool thing about pair-bonding is you go from totally empty to full in a blink, and it can happen at any time. Patience, I guess.

[blatant]

YES! I feel absolutely NO tension or desire towards men 99.99999% of the time! The ones that I like though, are like major hotties (think Jensen Ackles, for example), and um...they're not a realistic option for me. :(

[Ryokurin]

The idea that you'll know when you meet someone that they are 'the one' is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard of. Too many people believe that, and thats why they are perpetually single. I admit that I'm one of them, and its a big reason why I'm at my age and still don't really have my act together relationship wise.

If you tolerate them, then its probably is worth your time in finding out more about them. Don't go in looking for bells, just knowing, thinking shes 100% sexually attractive or any of that other crap you hear. Just go for it and see what develops. Most of that will grow if its to be.

[Chronos]

They're either too simple to keep my brain stimulated

S types.

or they're too intellectual and have zero feelings or expression.

NT types.

That's pretty roughly speaking though, of course.

I would *love* to date an ENFP once.

Yeah, or probably any NF type would be at least interesting for you. However, NFs make up only about 15% of the population (with ENFPs making up about half of that), so maybe that's your problem right there.

[Zilal]

I can definitely relate... I'm only attracted to, say, one or two men each year, and often not enough to consider actually dating them, never mind if they're even available. The last time I met a guy I was attracted to, I was so excited I jumped into a relationship with him even though we weren't so great for each other. (Well, I'm sure women who are attracted to any man that breathes do this too.) It is frustrating and not much fun. To be a bit melodramatic, I feel slightly dead inside not being able to connect with other people. It's important for me to celebrate when I do feel some attraction, no matter how small.

[guardian789]

From a girl's perspective, odds aren't in your favor. I know this sounds a little harsh but, when it comes right down to it, there aren't many people who are all that interesting. Quick suggestion though...and I don't think you're being too picky...you need to try be befriending them before dating them. It saves time and money. If you're friends, talking to them might eliminate who you find uninteresting and you may find, that some of the girls are more interesting only once you get to know them.
As for where to meet these girls, if you want someone with a brain try a book shop...there isn't any one set place that they hang out though.

[Josephine1012]

I agree with the poster above. I also don't think this problem is only relevant to INTJs, I feel the same way and my MBTI type is different from you on every letter except N.

Frankly, I usually know if I click with a person or not almost immediately, I don't see a lot of point to dating random people since I already know that it's not going to work. I would have enjoyed the process except people can never remain light hearted about it for any length of time. I often get accused of leading people on without ever dating them, so to go that extra step seems to just be asking for trouble. I usually either have a relationship (which generally starts with a friendship) or I'm single.

I'd much rather remain alone than deal with someone I don't particularly like. Not to mention being with someone I don't like usually results in feeling guilty because I always notice that I don't treat them as well as I should (because I get annoyed).

Unlike you, I think my standards are pretty high, but I have no interest in lowering them ;) especially, since there are times when I do find people who are just the way I like them.

[Anreader]

i agree im not asexual but i don't know anyone i would want to be sexual with. But then again I'm a virgo.

[Kisai]

Psht. I had a Virgo roommate. She let me have sex with her whenever and she never told her boyfriend.

[jp624]

Yup, this is my romantic life in a nutshell. I've had a few relationships but have yet to find the person who is what I am looking for. I do have high standards but I think most of the reason I've not found anyone at this point in my life is because I was not truly ready to have a mature, healthy, honest relationship. The idea of being vulnerable to someone else scared me even though I did not recognize that as the culprit until now. I'm 28. Now I'm just focusing on developing friendships with guys and seeing where it goes from there. I'm happier being alone than I used to be and enjoy my own company so I'm not as desperate to hook up with someone just to avoid being alone. I would not suggest settling just to be with someone. It is better to be alone and figure out what you truly want and then go after it. I think for INTs, it is good to go on more dates than we're probably comfortable with just to be sure we're seeing all that is available out there in terms of a mate. I HATE dating but I am trying to look at it in a new way, as a way to get experience with different types of people and see what exactly I do and do not want. It's been a good learning experience...

[karenk]

The idea that you'll know when you meet someone that they are 'the one' is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard of.

So true. I knew when I met the one except the other person is required to feel the same way. :p so sad.

[Firebrand]

I'm somewhat in the same boat, but for different reasons. I'm surprisingly unpicky when it comes to women; it's more of a binary "Yes" or "No" for me, and I'll likely marry the first "Yes" that I have the opportunity to.

Be careful with that dude. Marriage is not a decision to be taken lightly. I would spend quite a few years with her before you take that plunge. Talk to some divorced people to find out why. Also, talk to some people that have been married for a while to find out why their relationship has survived. Date enough and have a few long-term relationships before you get married. If one of them goes the distance, and you are still going strong, then consider it. Sometimes you don't fully appreciate why some traits may be bad or may affect the marriage (and more importantly, you) before you've been exposed to them. This can be hard to project in foresight.





Firebrand9 added to this post, 7 minutes and 53 seconds later...

Psht. I had a Virgo roommate. She let me have sex with her whenever and she never told her boyfriend.

Knowing things like this is what makes us already picky INTJs even more picky. Why did she even have a boyfriend if she wasn't going to be faithful to him?

[Jed3]

I find that I'm attracted to EXFP types solely. I'm not sure if its a good thing to be with someone who is almost completely different to myself, so I'm often apprehensive about starting a relationship with them. It dosn't help that I tend to place girls that I'm heavily attracted to on a so called 'pedastal'. I think I'm getting over this problem though.
This leads me to think that perhaps it would be a better idea for me to choose someone that I'm not infatuated with, so that my mind is clear so that attraction can come over time.
So maybe you could try someone that your not attracted to, MadmanMSU, and you may find that your mind is much clearer.
Although thats not really your problem is it?
Don't mind me talking out my own problems lol

[Paji eh Wong]

Man there is some bad advice on this thread.

A wise man once said "The heart has its reasons, of which reason (the mind) knows not". Basically, attraction is mysterious and makes no sense. I am saying this as a 30 year old INTJ male with almost a dozen relationships under my belt and having met hundreds of women.

Go out and meet a lot of women. Go on as many dates as you can. It doesn't matter if you think you are attracted to the women yet or not. In your diary, keep a running log of all the things that your dates did/said/communicated that you found attractive. Then look for commonalities.

[Josephine1012]

Go out and meet a lot of women. Go on as many dates as you can. It doesn't matter if you think you are attracted to the women yet or not. In your diary, keep a running log of all the things that your dates did/said/communicated that you found attractive. Then look for commonalities.

Ha! Spoken like a true INTJ...

What's the magic formula?
Also, once you have your list of everything you like, how are you going to go about creating that perfect mate?
What if you find her and you are simply not attracted to her (who knows why.. life is crazy like that)?
Even better... What if she is not attracted to you???

My personal motto: "never date a guy who likes me solely because I fit his "list""

[Synamon]

Man there is some bad advice on this thread.

A wise man once said "The heart has its reasons, of which reason (the mind) knows not". Basically, attraction is mysterious and makes no sense. I am saying this as a 30 year old INTJ male with almost a dozen relationships under my belt and having met hundreds of women.

Go out and meet a lot of women. Go on as many dates as you can. It doesn't matter if you think you are attracted to the women yet or not. In your diary, keep a running log of all the things that your dates did/said/communicated that you found attractive. Then look for commonalities.

Your two paragraphs are contradictory. Attraction is mysterious, but it's usually pretty instantaneous as well, especially for intuitives. You know if you are attracted to someone the first time you meet them. Getting out there and meeting lots of people is good, you won't find someone by sitting your room. But dating someone you aren't attracted to is just a waste of time for both of you. You also can't reduce love to a ledger.

[ElstonGunn]

My personal motto: "never date a guy who likes me solely because I fit his "list""

I agree. I think most people who have a "list" are basically Pygmalion anyways, so I don't see much sense in getting involved with them.

[LaoTzu]

Attraction is NOT a choice. And you know it within the first few minutes of meeting. If it's not there to begin with, move along...

[loosefanbelt]

I saw my old avatar up there and it confused me!!! HA!

To topic:

I was happily mated until my "mancub" died prematurely. Here is what worked (he was an ENTJ):

I would never be with someone that I did not respect as well as find attractive.

We did not try to be everything to each other.

Our hearts started out smaller with one another and got bigger as trust and respect grew.

We had several large overlapping interests that we were both fluent in talking about, so we had great conversations.

We had several areas of "non-interest" with each other, so we had other friends to discuss those topics with (most notably, I loved to talk about plants, my mancub would fall asleep) If we had started out with those conversations, we might have never discovered the overlaps, though...

We did have chemistry, but I have to say that it kept getting better and better for both of us. So year 8 was better than year 1 - both of us agreed about that.

He is gone now - 7 months gone - I miss him terribly. I don't know if I will ever find another love.

Maybe if you could give yourself permission to explore and told the women in your world that you are trying to find out who you are in relationships, you could have a nice time and find out more about yourself. If a guy said that to me, I would go out to coffee or a movie or paintball with them...

[Tranquillity]

I have to agree. You need to have some spark when you first meet. There was this girl that fit my list perfectly but when I met her there was zero spark. She was totally into me and I lead her on a bit but in the end couldn't really go through with it.

At this time though, there is this girl that totally stunned me when I first met her. She has sooooo many things that are completely opposite of everything I thought I want in a girl.... and it has been a struggle because sometimes I kinda hurt her when I think *wtf*... it is a bit shitting at the moment but I think it is worth the effort to change for her. Reason can go out the window. Biology/Chemisty is so much more important. This emotion thing is scaring the shit outta me but it is a risk I need to take. As with all love. Great love involves great risk.

[AliTree]

i gave up and decided i wasn't meant for marriage.
woo-hoo for quiters.

[El Castor]

Each time I meet a new lady, I always wonder if she could be the right person. Since I generally meet people at work or when I practice outdoor activities and both are rather specialized and highly technical, I have assumed for a long time I would have a higher chance to find the right person there.

No the more I think about it, the more I feel the few "interesting" people I met I was really attracted to are totally different from my conscious idea of the right partner and I've never realized immediately I was attracted to them.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I believe the right person has not much to do with the idea I have of her. My conscious list of "desirable features" for the non-advertised position is apparently very different of the subconcious list of "desirable features". I don't fall in love easily even with ladies having the "specs" on my conscious list but I am always surprised and enjoyed a lot the company of the people picked up from my subconscious list. The problem is this list is highly selective so it seems like I am attracted to someone every 3-5 years or so.

[azelismia]

I have to agree. You need to have some spark when you first meet. There was this girl that fit my list perfectly but when I met her there was zero spark. She was totally into me and I lead her on a bit but in the end couldn't really go through with it.

At this time though, there is this girl that totally stunned me when I first met her. She has sooooo many things that are completely opposite of everything I thought I want in a girl.... and it has been a struggle because sometimes I kinda hurt her when I think *wtf*... it is a bit shitting at the moment but I think it is worth the effort to change for her. Reason can go out the window. Biology/Chemisty is so much more important. This emotion thing is scaring the shit outta me but it is a risk I need to take. As with all love. Great love involves great risk.


that's doomed to failure. you need to have both. you can't change people. it never works. it's self delusion to think you can.

[Pandemonium]

that's doomed to failure. you need to have both. you can't change people. it never works. it's self delusion to think you can.

Delusion is the basis of most of our relationships. Mutual delusion is something cringe at.

[abski83]

In Soviet Russia, partner finds you! ;D
Ask and you shall receive.. Seek and you will find.. Knock and the door will be opened to you! ;)

[loosefanbelt]

I will quote something my departed ENTJ wrote:
All of love, all of life is fiction...
so you need to be
with a good co-author.
That's way more important
than looks, money or similar shit.

I suppose we were good co-authors...

[Tranquillity]

that's doomed to failure. you need to have both. you can't change people. it never works. it's self delusion to think you can.

sorry, I deleted my last post having a total rethink on the situation.

You are quite right that it is doomed to failure. 'Failure' in terms of not being the end goal of marriage/life long companionship etc etc

But would it still be considered a 'failure' even tho both of you might be enriched by the experience whether it last or not? And even if the relationship might only be an intermediary one, maybe it would help as a foundation block for your future marriage/life long companionship?

Thoughts?

[loosefanbelt]

Here is one idea to think about: try to keep things simple so that you can pay attention to your feelings... just spend time and note how the person is affecting you, and you them.
<3

[dalidaisy]

sorry, I deleted my last post having a total rethink on the situation.

You are quite right that it is doomed to failure. 'Failure' in terms of not being the end goal of marriage/life long companionship etc etc

But would it still be considered a 'failure' even tho both of you might be enriched by the experience whether it last or not? And even if the relationship might only be an intermediary one, maybe it would help as a foundation block for your future marriage/life long companionship?

Thoughts?

I'm confused. Are you talking about changing for a girl to make a relationship work? If you are willing to accept failure as a positive, then by all means go for it. I see nothing wrong in having an exploratory relationship, as long as you both go into it without expectations. Changing your nature will come back to haunt you, though. I guarantee it.

[INTJRyan]

Cultivate an interest or hobby that is attractive to single women, and, here's the hard part, participate in it! Cuts down on the ice breaking and you will have a mutual interest to talk about. Just my two cents.

[Tranquillity]

I'm confused. Are you talking about changing for a girl to make a relationship work? If you are willing to accept failure as a positive, then by all means go for it. I see nothing wrong in having an exploratory relationship, as long as you both go into it without expectations. Changing your nature will come back to haunt you, though. I guarantee it.

Yep, that is what I was saying. It wasn't because of the girl I wanted to change... it was something I have been thinking about for some time already and she seemed to have pushed me over it...

I am thinking of changing my nature from INTJ to xxxx and be totally balanced. I think being too N is causing me a lot of problems in missing out details, making me more I and why I don't understand F.

I am starting to see where E, S, and F comes from and it was through her and trying to understand her that it all seem to fall into place.

[Fox]

Remember the show Seinfeld?

Every episode Jerry has a new attractive GF. He breaks it up for a various petty reasons related to minor imperfections. She's got man hands, looks like a friend, talks to low, might have fake breasts. I'm kinda the same way. I over analyse them all.

[XxFreebirdxX]

Knowing the plasticity of the brain, people are constantly changing. Such is life. When I was a kid I took this test and I was an ENFP. Shows how different things become.
It's healthy, I believe, to change on your own. If you see a flaw in yourself or something you find unattractive to you, change it by all means. But never for your partner.
I had one try to do that for me. She seemed desperate and creepy. But I'm young so what the hell do i know right?
Anyway, let me know what you think.

[Tranquillity]

Knowing the plasticity of the brain, people are constantly changing. Such is life. When I was a kid I took this test and I was an ENFP. Shows how different things become.
It's healthy, I believe, to change on your own. If you see a flaw in yourself or something you find unattractive to you, change it by all means. But never for your partner.
I had one try to do that for me. She seemed desperate and creepy. But I'm young so what the hell do i know right?
Anyway, let me know what you think.

haha. This is not even about her anymore. It went tits up. I was attracted to her because I saw some quality in her that I wanted for myself.

You should have told her to be herself. When you are attracted to someone, you don't notice their faults anyway until the the lust/infatuation/love wears off. Personally, I am probably even more extreme on that because of my lack of attention to details.

[Shinqui]

Yep, that is what I was saying. It wasn't because of the girl I wanted to change... it was something I have been thinking about for some time already and she seemed to have pushed me over it...

I am thinking of changing my nature from INTJ to xxxx and be totally balanced. I think being too N is causing me a lot of problems in missing out details, making me more I and why I don't understand F.

I am starting to see where E, S, and F comes from and it was through her and trying to understand her that it all seem to fall into place.

Certainly it is good to be with someone who inspires you to improve yourself, particularily if the direction is one you already agree with.

However, if you change yourself or another based on their or your desires, well you haven't found love have you? After all, shouldn't love be something that is given to people based on who they are, not who you would like them to be?

Understand that I am not talking about inconsequentail things like taking up bowling, or doing that posistion you really like, or anything like that. I am speaking towards the changing of ones essence.

[El Castor]

Every episode Jerry has a new attractive GF. He breaks it up for a various petty reasons related to minor imperfections. She's got man hands, looks like a friend, talks to low, might have fake breasts. I'm kinda the same way. I over analyse them all.

There was also this episode about George starting to do the opposite of his usual habits and having lots of success in life. Sometimes I feel I don't find anyone because I stay who I am. But on the contrary, I don't see faking being someone else is good thing for a sustainable relationship.

[loosefanbelt]

No, you will only truly FEEL loved when you find someone who accepts most of who you are, and the rest they find endearing. Please be your best "you".

[MinorElite]

I recently ended a romantic relationship with an ENFP. Because she was extroverted, she was hurt when I wanted time alone. Her intuition made her think she understood my point of view, but she tried to use her feelings to interpret and respond to it. And her perception made her really unorganized. It was exciting at first - as most romantic relationships are - but in the end it drove me nuts to be around her.
I'm not sure if it's that way for all ENFPs or if my situation was a special case. I'm very introverted, so my relationships with extroverts don't tend to go well.

[boldbidder]

I'd encourage everyone to check out this site:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Really good write up on relationships and the dynamics between types. According to Socionics the right 'fit' for an INTJ is an ESFJ. I'm married to one and while everything isn't always roses and strawberries, I can say that we enjoy each other's company immensely and most importantly being around her doesn't drain me like being around any of my ex's.

[llBradll]

In high school, I had a girlfriend who could read my mind, almost literally. It scared me and turned me on at the same time...

I find the idea of somebody being able to read my mind really attractive too. It would be alot of fun well atleast initially.

[Shinqui]

I'd encourage everyone to check out this site:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Really good write up on relationships and the dynamics between types. According to Socionics the right 'fit' for an INTJ is an ESFJ. I'm married to one and while everything isn't always roses and strawberries, I can say that we enjoy each other's company immensely and most importantly being around her doesn't drain me like being around any of my ex's.

Oh god, an ESFJ would drive me insane.

[Synamon]

I'd encourage everyone to check out this site:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Really good write up on relationships and the dynamics between types. According to Socionics the right 'fit' for an INTJ is an ESFJ. I'm married to one and while everything isn't always roses and strawberries, I can say that we enjoy each other's company immensely and most importantly being around her doesn't drain me like being around any of my ex's.
What you meant to say is INTj (Socionics) is the dual for ESFJ. INTj (Socionics) is NOT the same thing as INTJ. Some people claim that it is, but most equate INTj (Socionics) with INTP, since the first two cognitive functions are Ti-Ne.

You have your type listed as INTJ, is that your MBTI type?

[boldbidder]

What you meant to say is INTj (Socionics) is the dual for ESFJ. INTj (Socionics) is NOT the same thing as INTJ. Some people claim that it is, but most equate INTj (Socionics) with INTP, since the first two cognitive functions are Ti-Ne.

You have your type listed as INTJ, is that your MBTI type?

I actually tested as MBTI INTJ and a socionics INTj, I know that socionics INTj is supposed to MBTI INTP, I didn't test that way personally. I thought the first cognitive function for MBTI INTP was Te? I need to do some digging, I'd found a pretty good site a while back that listed the cognitive functions and order of preference for all the types.

Scratch what I said above about CPs, I found a site listing the preferences and INTP is Ti. Even with that said, I still found the articles at Socionics regarding type relationships a fascinating read.

[Paladyr]

I recently ended a romantic relationship with an ENFP. Because she was extroverted, she was hurt when I wanted time alone. Her intuition made her think she understood my point of view, but she tried to use her feelings to interpret and respond to it. And her perception made her really unorganized. It was exciting at first - as most romantic relationships are - but in the end it drove me nuts to be around her.
I'm not sure if it's that way for all ENFPs or if my situation was a special case. I'm very introverted, so my relationships with extroverts don't tend to go well.

Same here. I think that's probably how it always goes with ENFPs. In my case it really did start out awesome and she was so much fun to be around, but she was just far too needy for me in the end.