Best TechnoTard Story

[TechnoSapien]

You got a good techno-tard story. Share it. Only true stories, please. Here's one of mine...

The Seamstress
One of the first jobs I had in the computer tech. field was as a private instructor/tutor/teacher/whatever.

One time I got a call to go out to troubleshoot a lady's computer and give her a one-on-one course in basic operations. I checked the computer when I arrived, but there was nothing wrong with it, so we started the course. I asked her, "What difficulty are you having with your computer?" She replied, "I can't get that Windows to open up the screen so I can type a letter." "No problem," I said, "I can help you with that."

So she sat down at the computer...AND AS GOD IS MY WITNESS...she put the mouse on the floor and tried using it with her foot. :stunned: :stunned: :stunned:

After fighting back and choking down the laughter, I asked her where she learned to use the mouse like that. She told me she was a retired seamstress, and it looked like a sewing-machine pedal to her.

I picked the mouse up (by the cord), put it on the table, and said, "Try using it with your hand". She did and replied, "Oh, yeah. That's easier." :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[laserist]

Way back before desktop publishing there were pre-press systems that started at about a million dollars - we had a technician who managed to short 220 Volts to the 5 Volt supply of a device containing about 80 circuit boards - rather embarrassing - and he did it twice.





laserist added to this post, 15 minutes and 27 seconds later...

In this case it was me. I was doing a laser show at a nightclub in Chicago. The laser was acting up, and my boss in L.A. was convinced it had a thermal window. (it didn't and I argued it at the time, but boss trumps.) had he been right I just needed to realign the laser. I didn't want to go to the trouble of turning off the water so I could safely power down the cabinet that housed the laser. So I said, "I'll grab the bottom, you grab the top because there are some exposed power lines down here." So there I am, grounded the length of both arms as my metal watch band welded itself to the afore mentioned exposed power line. I believe my exact words were, "ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG". And all I could think is, "Boy is this an embarrassing way to die..."

Experience is what we call our mistakes.

[LionsPride]

I was called by a colleague to help with her computer. She was having sporadic typing issues. Long story short, I had to explain the role of the "insert" key.

I have to sympathize with her though, I find that key to be hugely annoying, I remapped my own keyboard to get rid of it.

[Kisai]

While I was doing phone support for Cisco engineers on the graveyard shift, I got a call at 10pm.

Turns out when he was shutting down his PC, Windows NT would tell him 'There is 1 user on your computer, do you wish to disconnect him?' Meaning his account was going to be logged off by the Administrator.

Holy smokes, did he think that someone had hacked into his laptop and was stealing his files as we spoke.

[digerati]

Back when the Internet was starting to get popular with the general public (mid 90s) I was working tech support for a ISP. Person called up and said he was having trouble getting online.

I asked what operating system he was using. The customer didn't know. I asked do you have a black screen with text on it or do you see colors with boxes on the screen, hoping to at least eliminate MS-DOS from the choices. The customer said he had a black screen, but there isn't anything on it.

Ok, I figured he might have not turned on his monitor or it went to sleep, I asked do you have any lights anywhere on your monitor. The customer said, no. I followed up by asking if he saw a large button on the front of the screen that was the monitor's power switch. He said yes but nothing happened when he pushed it. I asked if it was plugged in. He said, "I can't check right now because I don't any power."

I explained to him, that althought the Internet is still working without him having power, he needs power to use his computer to get online.

[gedreosan]

About 10 years ago, I was doing tech support for HP's Pavilion desktops. A new owner called in and immediately stated he was a network admin and that his sound card needed replaced because it wasn't working. After asking several questions about his setup, it was determined he had plugged the speaker plug into the wrong port. He was into what would have been the right spot if the pc still used the modem/sound card together. The speaker plug was a light blue color, to correspond with the light blue port. When I suggesting moving the plug, he insisted it was the right spot because that's where his speakers had plugged in on previous computers. It took 5 minutes of arguing to get him to move the plug even after pointing out the color coding. As soon as there was sound from the now correctly connected speakers the line went dead.

[ClydeB]

Oh I have a bunch

One day a woman comes into the store where I was doing pc support. She has her keyboard in both hands like its a serving tray. I ask her "how can I help you". She tells me what problems she is having with her pc and can she leave it. I say. Yes, would you like me to get it out of the car for you? She then looks down at her keyboard.

You ever have one of those moments where everyone goes silent, and you know they are looking at you? She just had one. Even the other customers stopped talking when they all realized she thought her keyboard was her computer. I explained I would need the box that keyboard plugged into to do the troubleshooting.

When fax/modem cards first came out. There was some confusion about them. I spent 20 minutes on a phone call trying to help someone get their new fax card working. Finally figured out the guy was holding the document up to the screen and thinking it would scan it in, somehow. Now I blame the salesman on that. I had heard him say "You can fax anything you want" when selling that a few days ago.

Had to explain to someone that. 1. that was not a cup holder built into her PC. 2. And it's not a warranted replacement if you brake the cd tray by putting a full coffee cup on it.

Got a call one night that a person's mouse would only go halfway across the screen. Would not go any farther. So I had to get up and drive into work to fix this. Got there and she had her mouse pad up against the cube wall. The mouse would hit the wall, and the cursor would stop in the middle of the screen. I picked up the mouse, and mousepad. Moved them away from the wall, and it started working. She did not ever see just how stupid she was. She thanked me and went back to work.

One more for tonite. I was doing tech support by the hour for a local attorney. He calls me on Saturday night while I was out partying. Tells me when he turns his computer on its speaking in spanish to him and doesn't do anything else. I ask him if he checked the floppy drive for a disk. He said there was no disk in the drive, he checked. Now, I knew where he bought his 3.5 floppy's. They were grey market from Mexico originally. And the spanish message was "take out the disk it isn't bootable". But he insisted it was not that.

I told him that if I come out there and that's what it is. He is paying me for 2 hours worth of time for a 5 minute fix. And he is ok with that. So I go over there, he takes me back to his office. I hit the floppy button and remove the disk, right in front of him. His jaw hit his chest. I turn his computer on. He gives me the cash, I thank him and leave.

Some lessons you just have to pay for I suppose.

[gedreosan]

I just had this call come in from one of the hotels we support, "I plugged the wireless cable in." I'm still sorting out exactly what constitutes a wireless cable. Is it a rope?

Along the same lines, but not necessarily tech-related, "yes" is apparently an appropriate response to the question "What hotel are you calling from?"

[El Castor]

When word processing was still running under DOS, we had a class at high school. The teacher taught us the "justify" function and explained to us the program would set the size of spaces between word automatically.

One of the students typed a full page of text without space between word as he had (mis-)understood that the program would put spaces automatically between words...

[reb]

in the early days of 'government transition to computerized workstations', i was a 'technical liason' with the it department. later, in another job, they asked me to be liason again...no way...'other duties as assigned' lol! but i'd done got bit by that...

so, in light of my intransigence, they appointed an older gentleman, who not only had little/no computer knowledge, but actually hated them. whenever anyone had a problem, his advice (became famous around the building) was....'just unplug it'.

[WaeV]

My friend's mom:


"Hey, what's this? THIS IS AN EXE FILE!!!11!!!1! THOSE ARE VIRUSES!1!!!!1!!"

"No mom, exe files are programs."

"Well..."

[Sesshoumaru]

Not actually my story...My friend works at Best Buy and told me about a time when a customer came in asking for a

"g drive"

All they really wanted was a thumb-drive but thought it was called a G drive since their last one was labeled G: on their computer

[burazekun]

I had a customer come in to my work, (I work a technical desk for computer repairs, modifications, and optimizations and what nots.)

Well he complained that his computer would not start up. So my manager saw to him and pushed that power button on his laptop. This man became frustrated because it worked.

My manager unable to replicate the issue, told him we couldn't do anything for him unless he could replicate it and sent him off. At this point I was experiencing a higher volume of customers.

This man sits down behind the line and starts to turn on the laptop, and forcing a shutdown.

After an hour, I got all the customers dealt with, and he was still sitting there. I go over and advise him that it could damage his computer with this behavior. He points at a message Vista pops up and explains his worries, thinking a serious problem was occurring this entire time.

The message asked him if he wanted to go into safe mode, or start normally. This is a normal misconception so I informed him about it and started it up normally again.

Another wave of customers pass, it then comes close to closing time, at this time he was still doing this for two and a half hours. I go over and try to persuade him that this behavior is not healthy, but he seemed defiant, thinking there was a problem with his computer. Shortly afterwards, his computer powers down on him. Battery is dead. And he points at it and yells over at me, telling me that this is what had happened at home. The unit was under warranty, so to ease his mind I sent the unit out "for 2-3 weeks."

I informed him of what I saw, and told him that I would have it sent out to have it looked at. (He shown more then any other customer he wanted this.) And he did not want to listen to advice, thinking he was right. So he lost his laptop for 2-3weeks.

After I print out the paperwork, this man reads the text. He then reads it to me. He saw one point of it saying that there could be data loss if a hard drive is defective. He believes that pertains to him. And tries to argue with me over this. After settling him down on the issue that his hard drive was verymuch intact. He goes over the list and finally signs it out. On his paper he read that if the unit came back defective after 4 times, that he would be given a new computer or a credit for how much he spent for it. After seeing that he tries to get me to tell him why that is. I simply say, "I dont make the rules." True this is rude, but the store is closed, and I need to finish my work and shipping of products. Unsatisfied, he tries to get an answer from me. I am obviously irritated, so I tell him an answer. "Look," I say "I dont make the rules, for all I know, they set it up like this to disproove abuse on your part, and dedication to the process." There is a pause of silence, then I continue. "I apologize sir, but I only send out products of this sort, I dont make the rules that govern them." FINALLY Satisfied he signs the rest of the paperwork and leaves... I had to finish the story. He was a bussiness man, but he was a dunce on technologie.

[secretagentm]

Sometimes I wish people would just fucking google their computer issues. Why can't people take the initiative to solve their own problems? Argh.