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qwerty
11-29-2007, 07:34 PM
I want to test out your intuition here and get some feedback on how you would respond to the following scenario and how you think others may respond as well.

Scenario:
I know you through work, we get on well and talk regularly. During our conversations you mention that we are friends whenever I mention important things. Then one day you suddenly begin to shy away. We stop talking lots and any time we do talk it becomes only about work, yet you still find reasons to mention that we are friends. The shyness between us increases and you passively aggressively start ignoring any external conversation that is non work related.
I mention that it's becoming a problem and you deny that it's happening and apologize for doing it because I find it offensive, you begin to stop doing it.

Over the next month you creep back to your old habits and begin the ignoring again.

One day I mention I have a friend that is annoying and talks too much. I ask you for your opinion on how to approach the situation giving you options:
1.Ignore the person
2.Tell the person they are annoying
3.Keep everything superficial and pretend like nothing is wrong
You answer that you would ignore the person.
I respond by saying that I would ask the person that question and treat them the way they would treat someone else.

Would you pick up that I was talking about you? How would you respond? Should I interpret their response as being directed back at me?

Rei
11-29-2007, 08:04 PM
I respond by saying that I would ask the person that question and treat them the way they would treat someone else.

That line is a dead give away.


If that was actually exactly what was happening, I would pick up that you were talking about me. I would also use it to tell you indirectly that your deductions were correct.

However, it is not what I would do in a case of "you annoy the hell outta me," the scenario you detail is more likely due to something like the "porcupine effect." In which case, I would either have no clue you were implying anything, or I would realize that you think that's the reason I am ignoring you. Which means I probably wouldn't reply with what I did.

qwerty
11-29-2007, 08:13 PM
Interesting. So the answer is this:
The person either doesn't get 'it' or they do get 'it' and want to keep me at bay.
At what point does a person stop being destructive? Or are they always going to be that way?

Rei
11-29-2007, 08:42 PM
what do you mean by destructive?

The Rose
11-29-2007, 08:47 PM
I want to test out your intuition here and get some feedback on how you would respond to the following scenario and how you think others may respond as well.

Scenario:
I know you through work, we get on well and talk regularly. During our conversations you mention that we are friends whenever I mention important things. Then one day you suddenly begin to shy away. We stop talking lots and any time we do talk it becomes only about work, yet you still find reasons to mention that we are friends. The shyness between us increases and you passively aggressively start ignoring any external conversation that is non work related.
I mention that it's becoming a problem and you deny that it's happening and apologize for doing it because I find it offensive, you begin to stop doing it.

Over the next month you creep back to your old habits and begin the ignoring again.

One day I mention I have a friend that is annoying and talks too much. I ask you for your opinion on how to approach the situation giving you options:
1.Ignore the person
2.Tell the person they are annoying
3.Keep everything superficial and pretend like nothing is wrong
You answer that you would ignore the person.
I respond by saying that I would ask the person that question and treat them the way they would treat someone else.

Would you pick up that I was talking about you? How would you respond? Should I interpret their response as being directed back at me?I might take it that way.
I'm very sensitive to rejection.
But I would look for confirming evidence (and would manage to find some).
Personally, it seems kind of brash to ask the person you're ignoring if they would ignore someone, and then tell them when you're planning on doing them that you ask them...
That seems so INTPish or very Eish.
Not very nice.

I say "good riddance".

qwerty
11-29-2007, 09:05 PM
what do you mean by destructive?

I mean keeping up the "porcupine effect" of pointing the spikes out.

I might take it that way.
I'm very sensitive to rejection.
But I would look for confirming evidence (and would manage to find some).
Personally, it seems kind of brash to ask the person you're ignoring if they would ignore someone, and then tell them when you're planning on doing them that you ask them...
That seems so INTPish or very Eish.
Not very nice.

I say "good riddance".

I wasn't the one ignoring them. I merely asked because I was fed up with their mind games. Most of you have said you'd cut someone out of your life if they served no useful purpose and I agree, I just prefer to confirm that I'm doing the right thing first :) and treating the situation with the appropriate response for them (people do what they do because that's how they like to be treated).

mind_wander
11-29-2007, 09:11 PM
Yeah, alot of people is fed up with mind games. I actually know what you mean.

The Rose
11-29-2007, 09:14 PM
I mean keeping up the "porcupine effect" of pointing the spikes out.



I wasn't the one ignoring them. I merely asked because I was fed up with their mind games. Most of you have said you'd cut someone out of your life if they served no useful purpose and I agree, I just prefer to confirm that I'm doing the right thing first :) and treating the situation with the appropriate response for them (people do what they do because that's how they like to be treated).I didn't think you were the one doing the ignoring.

I can't stand people who play mind games. I have a lot more important things to think about.

I know that we should treat other people the way we would like to be treated, but I don't think most people do that. Most of us are slaves to our thoughts and feelings and emotional baggage and don't rise above that to doing the right thing.

Is this person a "love interest"?

qwerty
11-29-2007, 09:33 PM
No the person was a friend. I've met anyone who approached people the way they have. They had like a dual personality, one day very interesting the next self loathing like they couldn't make up their mind on something, over time the loathing has gotten worse, they've isolated themself and refuse to talk about their problems.

Rei
11-29-2007, 09:50 PM
I mean keeping up the "porcupine effect" of pointing the spikes out.

Ah.
I expect it to remain until they feel they've had enough space... which is who knows when. I'm guilty of doing this myself. It takes longer sometimes than others. It always takes longer the longer it takes the other person to get the point to "stay away" though.

I think it'd probably become more of a short but routine thing if an understanding has been reached b/w the two parties that one of us needs space.

Paul V
11-29-2007, 10:02 PM
Despite what many might think, people are not stupid. That co-worker of yours saw right through your scheme, and still decided to play dumb. Why? Probably because there's something wrong with the relationship between the both of you, and he/she is too shy to tell you, or believes that your reaction will not be positive.

Given that you're an INTJ, and that we usually don't think of friends as potential love interests (I give ample margin of error for this assumption here), you might have not realised that this person might be attracted to you, and fearing your rejection (whether this person is male or female doesn't matter), they've decided to crush their crush on you.

That would explain their behaviour. They won't talk about anything other than work (to keep you out of their intimate life), and they are using passive-aggressive techniques to drive you away. However, they still feel guilty that they're mistreating you while you've done nothing wrong, and therefore still call you friend, in order not to hurt your feelings.

I hope this was helpful, and accurate (something tells me you already know the answer, or have a solid theory, and you're intrigued to see if we'll see what you see).

qwerty
11-30-2007, 02:03 AM
That's pretty much it Paul... I was more interested to see if it was too harsh.

Rei
11-30-2007, 07:20 AM
That's pretty much it Paul... I was more interested to see if it was too harsh.

I don't know if you can say it's harsh. In a way it's probably for the better for the other person.

Then again, I still think the final solution should be to get it all out in the open instead of all this implied stuff... and then nothing - blank.

rwyatt365
11-30-2007, 07:45 AM
It's not harsh, just direct and to the point. I agree with Rei though, take the next step and get it all out in the open. That way neither of you goes away with just a "guess".

No need to be brutal, just "This is what I see, this is how it's affecting me, and I'd like it to stop."

The Rose
11-30-2007, 08:45 AM
That's pretty much it Paul... I was more interested to see if it was too harsh.Other people don't think so, but after sleeping on it, I do. Give the person a break. Be nice.

Hdier
11-30-2007, 01:14 PM
I agree with Paul...I think that he/she is probably attracted and shy. I also agree with Rose, in that it seems to harsh. I also agree with Rei, in that getting it out in the open is best.

Maybe you should sort of slowly wean it into the open? Does this seem like a good idea to anyone else?

Paul V
11-30-2007, 07:25 PM
That's pretty much it Paul... I was more interested to see if it was too harsh.

I'm probably not the best person to give you advice on this, since I'm quite blunt and harsh myself. I'd simply ask them "What is your problem? What's going on lately? Why are you treating me like this?" And if that doesn't lead somewhere useful, I'd simply stop talking to them.

If this isn't enough to get an explanation from them, then I won't interact with them no more. Either way, the problem goes away.

I don't recommend you to follow my advice, however, given the fact that I actually don't care if I ruin my relationships with others.

qwerty
11-30-2007, 09:21 PM
hmm I'll see how things go for a while doing this, I'm pretty sure they understood it. But if they don't then I'll tell them directly.

Solnath
12-06-2007, 04:13 PM
Reminds me of Blade Runner. I'd never be in such a situation. Shy? Me? Hah.