How much do you let your SO in?

[ENFP is curious]

Wondering how much you INTJs as a whole will let your partners inside your seemingly-never ending walled fortress? Even as an ENFP I'm learning I have walls up myself that may not ever come completely down, but there are parts of me I'm willing to share if asked directly and gently enough.

The INTJ I'm seeing is slowly letting me in. Every time we're together I learn more and make it a point to allow him to challenge me intellectually while I encourge his silly side to surface.

For those of you with a partner, do you find they satisfy you or do you seek attention elsewhere, say through online relationships? If so, does your SO know?

I'm all for maintaining various friendships and flirting. I also understand that my INTJ will always need to maintain a strong sense of privacy about many things. I'm curious how far in I can expect to be let in, and how it's all viewed from your side of the fence.

Thanks!

[Kfbr]

Get us drunk, then we are open books!

Well, at least I am..

But for real, even with my last relationship which was two years, I never really fully opened up to her. Don't know, I just felt if some of what I thought came to the surface she would have thought I was some kind of monster.

I mean, she once got mad at me for taking a quarter someone left in a machine at the laundromat, I'm not gonna go into how I view religion, haha.

[The Many]

Get us drunk, then we are open books!

Well, at least I am..

But for real, even with my last relationship which was two years, I never really fully opened up to her. Don't know, I just felt if some of what I thought came to the surface she would have thought I was some kind of monster.

I mean, she once got mad at me for taking a quarter someone left in a machine at the laundromat, I'm not gonna go into how I view religion, haha.

Hah. Reminds me of when I got drunk once and apparently started hugging an INFJ friend of mine (at least she was back then)... that's probably the only episode like that when drunk, though. Fortunately, since I am feeling quite uneasy even typing it out.

But as to what I reveal it's usually not very much. It's not so much that I don't like revealing things, I will do what is the best to do when I need to despite any uneasiness, it's that I usually simply can't trust people enough to open up. Coming to think of it, though, the only one I ever opened up entirely for fell in love with me, so working on it is probably quite beneficial... Of course, she was an INTJ and we had a lot of shared interests to boot, but opening up still probably had quite a lot to do with it.

[L30]

My inner self is largely unexplored by external beings.

My emotional side is very fragile, so I guard it with a certain secrecy, but it was revealed to a few and to my previous (and first) girlfriend. My current one doesn't know much about the real me, and I'm still in the process of thinking what should I tell her. I keep secrets in this area mainly because I believe that weaknesses are no good to anyone, even to me, acknowledging and externalizing them only makes me weaker.

My thinking side on the contrary, is difficult to reveal especially to a SO, for the simple reason that it is /cold/. I have no coscience and no mercy, I'm capable of acting on what I perceive as /right/ without really caring about the consequences on others. I start by ignoring(and crushing) my very own feelings, so imagine what authentic concern could I ever have for others. "The right thing" in my mind is an idea which commands everything else. I don't think I ever revealed this side of me to anyone, only some hints here and there. Certainly I've never been known as a saint. It's enough to see how I think in love matters to have a glance.
Revealing this side would hurt others, and then me as boomerang as they reject me.

[jnpl0011]

I agree with KFBR. Get him drunk. I am serious... I am much closer to people after spending an evening bleeding my heart out with them over a couple six packs of Smirnoff Ice. :thumbsup:

The INTxs that I know tend not to be just silly when drunk. They are silly and talk about serious things oftentimes. Sometimes even *gasp* emotional things.

[INTJgal]

I'd open up to the same depth as anyone in a committed relationship. It would just take a long while.

[Kfbr]

My inner self is largely unexplored by external beings.

My emotional side is very fragile, so I guard it with a certain secrecy, but it was revealed to a few and to my previous (and first) girlfriend. My current one doesn't know much about the real me, and I'm still in the process of thinking what should I tell her. I keep secrets in this area mainly because I believe that weaknesses are no good to anyone, even to me, acknowledging and externalizing them only makes me weaker.

My thinking side on the contrary, is difficult to reveal especially to a SO, for the simple reason that it is /cold/. I have no coscience and no mercy, I'm capable of acting on what I perceive as /right/ without really caring about the consequences on others. I start by ignoring(and crushing) my very own feelings, so imagine what authentic concern could I ever have for others. "The right thing" in my mind is an idea which commands everything else. I don't think I ever revealed this side of me to anyone, only some hints here and there. Certainly I've never been known as a saint. It's enough to see how I think in love matters to have a glance.
Revealing this side would hurt others, and then me as boomerang as they reject me.

This sounds exactly like me. I once jay walked and my girlfriend at the time exploded at me, saying laws are there for a reason (she was an ISFJ) and I tried explaining how I view laws as only applicable if I inflict someone else (as in if I walked into a moving car)

I'm involved with campus politics and debate and she said she was worried how I wasn't just satisfied with winning, that I had to utterly crush my opponent. Haha, I laughed it off because internally I do the same thing.

I agree with you, I don't really open up because people would think I'm a serial killer or something.

When I'm drunk though, I love talking deep.. politics, philosophy, life.. everything. I got hammered with a coworker the other night, I started talking about feelings :x

[Tarrick]

Dunno. Never had one, and I have no prospects.

I would think I would...but that's speculation.

[Amaranth]

I'm an open book - but only in my relationship.

Maybe you can emphasize the practical benefits of opening up to your INTJ (i.e. a much more comfortable, enjoyable and healthy relationship).

The thing is, you MUST be willing to not take things personally. If you want an INTJ to open up and they reveal something and you freak out in response, they will see that being open is very impractical and they will stop. It'll take a very long time for them to open up again. Your best bet is to maintain a very open mind and be prepared to accept your INTJ 100%.

[Paul V]

Dunno. Never had one, and I have no prospects.

I would think I would...but that's speculation.

Ditto.

I don't think I'd open up completely. There are certain things I wouldn't tell anyone. But who knows? I've heard so many good things about love, it'll probably make me feel it's safe for me to tell them. But who knows, I'm a very logical person.

[Diana]

From my experience (which is admittedly limited as I've not found very many date-worthy guys), I'd say that it depends on how much of an "understanding" I have with them. Kind of that unspoken-intuitive wavelength thing. Not sure if this is INTJ-typical but, with all of the thoughts in my head, sometimes its really difficult to explain things about myself concisely; it really helps if they "get" me or what I'm saying. Otherwise, it just seems futile and frustrating.
I'd say: express your desire to know more about him (who doesn't want to know someone finds you intriguing?!), but let him pick the pace. Good luck!

[rwyatt365]

…in a word – NO!

I've found, through experience, that most people don't understand what I think, nor how I think. And all of those (typically) don't care to make the effort to try to learn. The usual response to my efforts towards understanding is, "You need to be more like me".

People have a tendency to disregard anything that is foreign to their experience – disregard, or attempt to destroy. I wish not to be disregarded, or destroyed – I wish to be understood and accepted "as-is". That's my reason for the "walls", because I don't want anyone to come into my private world and start rearranging the furniture. I don’t want my thoughts and feelings to be evaluated, or graded, or critiqued – I just want someone to listen to what I have to say as I do them, and to offer rational discourse and dialog.

When I find someone that can do that, then I will open up fully and completely. But right now, with my SO…that's not going to happen. We're just about at the point of "irreparable damage" and all walls have been reinforced.

[freedom]

Can someone provide an example of what an intj might be uncomfortable revealing? What is it that you think people can't handle?

[rwyatt365]

For me, it's not so much that someone can't handle what I think, but that they want me to modify my thinking to fit their world-view. For instance;

When I first met my SO we were driving down the highway on a bright, sunny day with a blue sky. She said, "The sky sure is blue", to which I replied, "Yes, it is quite azure". She then asked me what "azure" was, and I told her that it is a shade of blue, and that's the shade that I thought the sky was. Then, she proceeded to lambaste me for saying that the sky was azure, when no one knows what azure is. She felt I was trying to "one-up" her, when I wasn't. I was just speaking a thought that came into my mind – a legitimate thought. From that point on, whenever she thinks that I'm trying to flaunt my (so-called) intelligence over her, she brings up "the Azure Incident".

The point? I learned that I cannot, should not, and will not ever use obscure terminology with her no matter if it’s what I think, or how I think – that is now a "wall". I learned that she is sensitive to the perception that I am trying to flaunt my knowledge over her, so I have to "dumb down" what I say so she won't feel inferior – that is now a "wall".

Like the comic says, "I got a million of 'em!"

[Rick]

I am an odd case in that I have, without knowing it at the time, been solely attracted to INTJ females.

My ex-wife was an INTJ. I found this out several years after our marriage. The only other lady I have been attracted to is also an INTJ, and I found this out a couple of years after the fact when she told me.

Like attracts like, verdad?

In both cases, there was a cognitive understanding of each other, but an extremely slim understanding of the personal.

What I mean to say was that INTJs can recognize the drive in each other, I believe even subliminally and know it is there, but cannot easily break thru to the personal in each other without effort. The give and take does not come easily, as much as we would like it to be.

If you look at someone with love and see acceptance shining back, then it is truly love. This is maybe the mantra of an INTJ. I've yet to see it.

[Myrak]

"You need to be more like me".
Wow, that and a few other things in your posts had me cringing so badly. Agghh, that sucks.

I'm like a lot of others here, I won't let others know the true me without a sort of connection and 'wavelength' understanding, as it was put. There haven't been that many of those people in my life so far, unfortunately. There are times I'd really, really love to open up to someone and just dump a whole lot of emotional baggage, but the most I'd get in response is 'yep. aha. right.' :(

[Solaris]

Wow, that and a few other things in your posts had me cringing so badly. Agghh, that sucks.

I'm like a lot of others here, I won't let others know the true me without a sort of connection and 'wavelength' understanding, as it was put. There haven't been that many of those people in my life so far, unfortunately. There are times I'd really, really love to open up to someone and just dump a whole lot of emotional baggage, but the most I'd get in response is 'yep. aha. right.' :(

Seconded.

I've realized, recently, that I never really let people in until the last year. There are a couple of people who are now very far in, and it's a little scary. My last SO (6 years long) was never all the way in -- we couldn't communicate, so that didn't work.

I'm not sure how far my next SO will get in. I know I won't really bother with somebody who doesn't "get" me though, it's just not worth the effort for the long-term. In the short-term, it would matter less. The different purposes of casual dating vs relationship seeking.

[Alpha Prime]

There are things I will not share, and what I will share will be done so gradually.

There is no sense in revealing yourself fully too early, for the relationship.

[ENFP is curious]

Interesting stuff so far!. Once a wall has been brought back up, what will it take for it to come down again?

[Solaris]

Interesting stuff so far!. Once a wall has been brought back up, what will it take for it to come down again?

If a wall goes back up, it's probably not coming down for me. If I can rationalize a good reason for the wall to come down (as in it shouldn't have gone back up in the first place, it was a reactionary thing that I am possibly trying to work on in my personality), then I'll take it back down mentally...but I'll leave the rubble for the other person to stumble around in. This goes for friends, family, as well as SO's.

[rwyatt365]

Interesting stuff so far!. Once a wall has been brought back up, what will it take for it to come down again?
…an act of God.
…death.
…intense scrutiny for a number of months (years?) for evidence of a "cessation of hostilities".

In other words, if someone has violated my "inner sanctum" then I will be extremely wary of them from that point forward. Only unless, and until, I determine that they will never do that again will I let my guard down. But that can't be guaranteed now, can it? So, my only alternative is to make sure that they "pay penance" for their egregious behavior by keeping them at arm's length for some period of time that is directly proportional to the seriousness of the incursion.

Notice the aggressive tone of the words used. That's because I view someone coming in and screwing up my world with their BS as a very serious thing. I would forgive you sooner if you cut off my finger, or called me a really bad name.

Screw with me and YOU WILL PAY! :knife:

I'm not vindictive...really! :charming:

[INTJgal]

I would let the right guy in. And I know an INTJ male who let the right girl in.

Just call your INTJ out on it. Tell them your feelings, where you desire to be at in a general amount of time... ask them straight up what percent they're willing to let you in.

Ask them for a thorough analysis of how much they want to grow your relationship. The INTJ will be straight up.

Advice, though: write it in a note, or tell them at the end of a date and give them a week or two to chew on the thoughts. That's important.

[Hdier]

Generally speaking, people I know only see one side of me. People I don't know see a fake side of me (i.e. everything is walled). If I take down a wall for someone, and have to put it back up, that probably means a betrayal of trust and would make it very hard to tear down any walls.

If I ever got a boyfriend, he would probably see 2 or maybe even three sides of me. If I ever made a long-term commitment (probably not an official marriage, though; I can't stand those), then that person would see more of me then anyone else.

Even I haven't seen every side of me, so I doubt anyone else will.

[INTJoe]

We'll let you in, but most of our really deep theoretical stuff we ponder likely stays with us, as we see little opportunity to let it out. This could be for many reasons.

1) We don't think you are smart enough to understand our deep thoughts.
2) You are smart, but we are not sure we can explain it all while sounding normal.
3) You won't be interested.

At least that's how I feel. It seems only with the INTP's or INTJ's do I feel really comfortable getting deep into theory.

But as far as emotional, superficial crap...we'll let you in if we trust you and you show sincere caring.

[quentin]

I've been very closed in every relationship I've ever had. One reason is that I'm a pretty smart guy and finding girlfriends as intelligent as myself is a very difficult task. So I've been in relationships with women of average intelligence, or even above average intelligence, but not as intelligent as me. Having to explain things to "normal" people is difficult, time-consuming, and not really all that rewarding. They simply will not understand. I am a complex person with too many thoughts in my head and no one will ever come close to understanding me. People see whatever mask I'm wearing.

[Hdier]

I mostly agree with INTJoe, except I don't let people in very far, generally. Most of my deep stuff I will keep to myself, mostly so that I don't get locked up in the happy hut, and the reasons you mentioned.

[Mechanical Messiah]

In the few relationships that I had before meeting the Supreme Commandress, I was never ever remotely open. I don't think it was defensiveness on my part, or even dishonesty (in most cases)- I just never came across a connection with adequate bandwidth to download and process the information. Then I met my wife, who is an INFJ... and my life changed. She knows every 'side' of my personality- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'd say that I 'know' the same of her- but in a different way, of course. I won't claim that we're 100% open (I'd put it at 98%), since I don't think that's really possible... but she knows me at least as well as I know myself.

Our minds are fundamentally different, but I think we compliment each other nicely.