What are female INTJ's like? How are they different than INTJ males?

[Medicine Man]

I have often wondered if a female version of myself could exist. It just does not seem possible, but then again, I grew up in a household where the women are all ENFJ's. Do they have any traditionally feminine traits?

[Wapiti]

What are female INTJ's like? How are they different than INTJ males?

They differ in that they have breasts and a vagina where as males (most of em) have no breasts and a twig and berries. This is pretty standard across all personality types though.

Seriously though, there's a bunch of female INTJs here on the forum (if you can believe them) so get to know a few of them and find out for yourself. They're refreshingly all a little different.

[altoid]

What are female INTJ's like? How are they different than INTJ males?

I'd like to think I'm prettier than most males...:-p

I guess it depends on what you mean by "traditional female traits." I'll cry at a movie/book now and then, I enjoy cooking, fashion...those are all girly, right?

*trying to think of other stereotypically girly things...*

I find that I have a difficult time relating to most females I meet though. I have very little patience for a lot of the drama and games interaction seems to require sometimes. I'm *much* more comfortable around guys as a general rule. I think I really appreciate (at least what I perceive to be) the more straightforward interactions involved.

Long story short: as an INTJ female, I have no idea how to answer your question. I, of course, think we're really cool, but I suppose I'm pretty biased.

[True Rune]

Females have it rougher in society. "Strong, smart, silent type" is usually tolerated if you're a male and not too many people will whine about it. But if you're female they'll sort of take it personally. (Though I doubt other males are completely excluded.) As far as the forum goes, I don't know who's female unless they make it obvious or reveal it. I suppose another minor difference is that male INTJs are said to go for ENFP types, while INTJ women go for INTJ men. (I don't know how true this is though.)

[Luthor Rex]

Here are some threads all about them:

To other INTJ women: do you feel unliked? (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)

Do INTJ women consider themselves cold? (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)

INTJ men vs. INTJ women (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)

INTJ Women (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)

[rara avis]

ooh, thanks, I missed a few of those...

[Zombicide]

Considering it's the same type, other than general sexual selection I can't think of any notable differences. I'm pretty sure it's the same degree of differences as between the males.

But I guess if anything, it's like Altoid and Wapati said, twigs and berries and shopping and such. . . granted I love cooking.

[ElstonGunn]

Anecdotally speaking, it seems like INTJ women are often more opposed to "traditional gender roles" than INTJ men are. My only guess for the reasoning behind that is that a lot of INTJ traits, like a lack of emotional displays and such, are considered more stereotypically masculine. But that's just a vague idea based on broad generalizations.

[Zombicide]

Anecdotally speaking, it seems like INTJ women are often more opposed to "traditional gender roles" than INTJ men are. My only guess for the reasoning behind that is that a lot of INTJ traits, like a lack of emotional displays and such, are considered more stereotypically masculine. But that's just a vague idea based on broad generalizations.

Yeah, I think the gender role (like some many things) is a coincidence based on the fact that the gender roles of our culture more or less clash with the type.

[Medicine Man]

This is true. The more I think about it, I am not sure I if I would be attracted to a woman who has as little emotional response to everyday life as I do. I think the fact that men look for these traits in women could be hardwired into our evolutionary expectations for the opposite sex.

[Deliberator]

Well, all INTJ's are different, male or female. I think there are some things that are specifically regulated by hormones though, such as the desire to look pretty (I do) or the desire to cuddle cute furry things (I do). I feel that I have a pretty strong "nesting instinct" which is fairly feminine, i.e. wherever I live I like to have it prim and tidy and pretty and cozy with lots of trees outside of the window to boost my mood. I like to cook but that's not inherently feminine... I like to *scratches head*... um... babies are OK I guess... um... hm...
Oh yeah, when I was a teenager I absolutely loved the girliest old movies and books like Gone With the Wind, but like I said, I think that was my adolescent estrogens raging. I dunno.... part of me deep down is a little bit romantic I guess, moonlight and roses and all that. Oh yeah, and I cry as my main negative emotion, which is a pretty feminine thing I think. That's about all I can think of really.

Oh yes, another rather important facet may perhaps be that in long-term relationships, INTJ women rock your socks because we are not only equipped with the level-headedness to approach relationship problems in a constructive manner, we also have the feminine advantage of being interested in harmony... something that may be suppressed a great deal by large surges of testosterone.

I think INTJ women have a complex concerning other women. We can't just act like men around other women, and if we do we are ostracized even more than we would be otherwise. So many of us develop mechanisms to "get along" with other females, or in my case, avoiding as much human interaction as possible.

[PeterIMC]

I don't think I know any INTJ women. But I think they reason the same way INTJ men do. The main difference probably is that because of their position in society they have other concerns than men. But if an INTJ man would have to deal with a typical female issue, he'd probably deal with it in a similar way an INTJ woman would.

One thing I have noticed that male and female of the same type, are surprisingly similar. So I guess that would apply to INTJ's as well.

[noueux]

It's not my personal opinion that any kind of behavior is inherently feminine or female (other than menstruation, I guess...). So if there are, in fact, differences between female INTJ's and male INTJ's, I think the difference is driven by social programming.

That said, the INTJ's I've known have been pretty good at picking up on social norms and figuring out when it's best to fit in and when it's best to step outside the box. I think there's a kind of defiance to our personality type which might make an INTJ woman question what is expected of her. If this the case, I'd expect to find a broad diversity in interests among INTJ women that isn't usually attributed to women. And I do see a lot of that diversity amongst women on this forum.

As to how INTJ females are different than males, I can only speak from personal experience, to say that I've often felt guilty that I'm not more emotional, or emotionally expressive. I think this guilt comes from refusing or being unable to conform to society's pressures. I do have traditionally feminine traits, but, then, some of my female friends don't have these traits, and some of my male friends do. So even though, in my mind, as in most people's, these traits are gendered, I try not to pass judgment on someone's femininity or masculinity, particularly based on behavior.

As for your wondering about a possible female version of yourself, I think that's so utterly unlikely it's pretty much impossible. Because you're defined by much, much more than "INTJ, male". I can't really imagine a male version of myself, without it BEING myself in a male body. Mostly because I feel I'm pretty unique, as far as people go. (As unique as every other special little snowflake out there, at least. :p)

[Nomadofthehills]

I would imagine that there are more INTJ males than INTJ females. Seems like feeling and extroversion are more feminine characteristics.

[rara avis]

Well, all INTJ's are different, male or female. I think there are some things that are specifically regulated by hormones though, such as the desire to look pretty (I do) or the desire to cuddle cute furry things (I do). I feel that I have a pretty strong "nesting instinct" which is fairly feminine, i.e. wherever I live I like to have it prim and tidy and pretty and cozy with lots of trees outside of the window to boost my mood. I like to cook but that's not inherently feminine... I like to *scratches head*... um... babies are OK I guess... um... hm...
Oh yeah, when I was a teenager I absolutely loved the girliest old movies and books like Gone With the Wind, but like I said, I think that was my adolescent estrogens raging. I dunno.... part of me deep down is a little bit romantic I guess, moonlight and roses and all that. Oh yeah, and I cry as my main negative emotion, which is a pretty feminine thing I think. That's about all I can think of really.

Oh yes, another rather important facet may perhaps be that in long-term relationships, INTJ women rock your socks because we are not only equipped with the level-headedness to approach relationship problems in a constructive manner, we also have the feminine advantage of being interested in harmony... something that may be suppressed a great deal by large surges of testosterone.

I think INTJ women have a complex concerning other women. We can't just act like men around other women, and if we do we are ostracized even more than we would be otherwise. So many of us develop mechanisms to "get along" with other females, or in my case, avoiding as much human interaction as possible.

^ well said


I have yet to meet an INTJ female version of myself, and I am female, you'd think my chances would be better, somehow. (Not that I'm looking.) I've met plenty of people here that I like well, but no one whom I'd say I line up with near 100% of the time.

For all that we've congregated here, I think one of our most common traits is a pretty fierce sense of individualism. I don't think I'd like being a version of anyone but myself, anyway.

[Medicine Man]

I guess the point of this thread is to question whether a MBTI can highlight sex-based differences. Said another way, A male that tests INTJ and a female that tests INTJ could be less similar than that same male to a INTP/INFJ/ENTJ etc. male. I guess that sounds kind of obvious now that I type it out. Although, from a physiologic and genetic standpoint, males and females are highly similar. Even our genetalia develop from common precursors. (I just had to throw that into this discussion)

[LvHmBirth]

For all that we've congregated here, I think one of our most common traits is a pretty fierce sense of individualism. I don't think I'd like being a version of anyone but myself, anyway.

Agreed! I've finally found another female INTJ (two this week) amongst my friends and acquaintances, and though we have enjoyed discussing our similarities and discussing our INTJ qualities, we are extremely different in temperament, and we all exhibit different traditionally feminine traits.

[Drienne]

Female INTJ's sit to pee

[Lucid]

I guess the point of this thread is to question whether a MBTI can highlight sex-based differences. Said another way, A male that tests INTJ and a female that tests INTJ could be less similar than that same male to a INTP/INFJ/ENTJ etc. male. I guess that sounds kind of obvious now that I type it out. Although, from a physiologic and genetic standpoint, males and females are highly similar. Even our genetalia develop from common precursors. (I just had to throw that into this discussion)

How feminine a female INTJ is depends on the female INTJ. Many on here abhore babies, dislike shopping, fashion and doing their hair. Many do not wear make up. Others enjoy these things and enthusiastically take part.
Likewise, how masculine an INTJ male is depends on the individual male INTJ.

I've found that female INTJs seem to have more in common with most men and especially with male INTJs than with other types or other women. Likewise, I have more in common with male INTJs than I do with a male ENFP or a female ESFP.

I think most male INTJs who buy into traditional gender roles (and I don't think that most male INTJs do) do so because it's a nice easy way to classify the world (INTJs like to do that) and because they may have very little understanding of females in general. Or because most of the people they have been around all their lives also buy into those traditional gender roles, so it is what they have experienced personally. I don't say any of that to criticize or insult any male INTJs who buy into traditional gender roles. You're all fine. I'm just expressing (rather bluntly, I admit) my opinion.

Most female INTJs do not buy into it because we have personal experience (our lives) that shows us it's kind of bullshit. Also, most of us, because we are non-traditional females, will gravitate to people who are also non-traditional and hold non-traditional ideas about gender roles. In addition, being raised in a non-tradional gender role environment may be part of why some of us are INTJs.

Most of the F's I know are men, most of the women I know are T's. This is, apparently, unusual. That's probably one of the reasons we're all friends; because we're all a little unusual. If you're a usual male INTJ it's possible that you have been around usual female F's all your life. That may be (for some of you) why you associate with the people you do, because you're all kind of usual.

To the OP:
Each INTJ, male or female, is an individual. If you stick around on this forum, you will see how different we all are. So there probably is no "female version" of yourself here, just as there is no "male version" of yourself here (other than you, of course). However, you may be pleasantly surprised at how much you may have in common with many people here in general.

That is all.

[Jinxu]

How feminine a female INTJ is depends on the female INTJ. Many on here abhore babies, dislike shopping, fashion and doing their hair. Many do not wear make up. Others enjoy these things and enthusiastically take part.
Likewise, how masculine an INTJ male is depends on the individual male INTJ...

...Likewise, I have more in common with male INTJs than I do with a male ENFP or a female ESFP.
Are you implying that some MBTI personality type are more masculine and other more feminine? If so, which ones would you say are more masculine and which are more feminine?

[Lucid]

Are you implying that some MBTI personality type are more masculine and other more feminine? If so, which ones would you say are more masculine and which are more feminine?

The general opinion is that some are considered more traditionally masculine, some more traditionally feminine. I don't know which ones though.

The only thing I'm trying to imply is that I'll have more in common - as far as our thought process is concerned - with an INTJ of either gender than with either a male or a female of another personality type.

[rara avis]

For myself, I like a version of traditional gender roles, where lifestyle is concerned... but I have a sense of myself in the traditional female role that is almost like that of a drag queen - it's like a kinky costume I want to put on because it's fun and hot and ironic.

I have serious doubts about how well equipped I am to play to the responsibilities of the role, if it came down to real daily activity, not "playing" anymore. And if anyone tried to exercise some kind of authority to make me do it, (or, OK, make me do anything) -or maybe even impy that I should because of gender- I'd be inclined to destroy them.

I believe in redefining feminism to suit me - I think that ought to be the definition of feminism. Do as you will, and take full responsibility for your actions, as any grown-up human being ought to do.

[Harmony]

It wasn't until I found out that I was an INTJ that I thought I was the strangest female in the world.

The feminine side of me:
I like dressing girly (most of the time)
I won't go anywhere if my hair isn't perfect
I can be very sexual at times
I like wearing things that show off my assets

The masculine side of me:
I'm better at sports than most the guys I know
I don't like talking about my feelings
I don't like showing affection 24/7
I don't like having to tell someone I love them every hour
I like talking about cars, sports, sex, and even other women =P
I hate shopping, if I shop I'm in and out with what I needed
I am usually the one to run in a relationship, not the guy...
Hehe, and I forgot my video game obsession

I'm just not like the average girl...

[Kisai]

Well heck:

I'll read shojo manga and watch shojo anime just as equally as the shonen equivalents.

I'll cook and cook well.

I care about my personal appearance and wear a nice cologne. I have dry skin so I'll apply moisturizer all the time. If I start to get wrinkles, I'll probably be slapping on Oil of Olay.

I don't distinguish between 'boy' and 'girl' colors. I mainly dress monochromatically (blacks and grays predominantly) with a hint of color. That color can be lavender, apricot, red, green, blue, pink, whatever.

I dislike sports, eating large quantities of meat (like a steak), and heterosexual male bonding materials freak me out.

I have an appreciation for male beauty. I'm not really aroused by men. But I think my bisexual mix is currently (15-85) in favor of women.

[CmdrSlashdot]

Females have it rougher in society. "Strong, smart, silent type" is usually tolerated if you're a male...

Tolerated, but seldom lauded and almost never lusted after. :) I've been told that I'm too timid.

[ElstonGunn]

Females have it rougher in society. "Strong, smart, silent type" is usually tolerated if you're a male and not too many people will whine about it. But if you're female they'll sort of take it personally. (Though I doubt other males are completely excluded.)

Tolerated, but seldom lauded and almost never lusted after. :) I've been told that I'm too timid.

I think there's an important distinction to be made there. In general social situations (i.e., "friends" situations), I think women are expected to be more sociable. I don't know-- maybe that's how they bond or something. I can picture a group of women sitting around jibber-jabbering over coffee. On the other hand, I can picture a group of men sitting in silence over the course of a ballgame.

But I think the expectations are flipped in romantic situations. Women can get away with being shy and demure, and are sometimes even expected or preferred to be that way. Men are expected to be the initiators, and if that's a problem for a particular guy, he should just "man up" and do what he's "supposed to do," as it were.

[ToC]

INTJ females tend to avoid other females, whereas male INTJs often avoid members of the opposite sex (not out of preference, but for reasons of social insecurity).

[Storm]

Short answer to M&M's question:
No for personality, maybe on interests.
A female INTJ will have more in common as a far as thinking style aka personality type goes with a male INTJ than a female of a different type.
However, a female INTJ may have more interests in common with a female of any type than a male INTJ.

[AliTree]

personally, i think more like a "guy" because of lack of strong emotions in almost everything.
interests are kind of more "boyish" except with my interest in fashion.

i wouldn't consider myself super masculine, though. i've met more female INTPs that are MUCH more masculine then me.

[Vagrant]

There's not really much of a difference excluding for obvious physical differences and the way we're raised.

My ex was a female INTJ, and needless to say, given the same data, we would come up with the same conclusions in the exact same fashion. We even wore matching clothes despite never communicating with each other beforehand about it. Yeah, that was weird.

However, our tastes differed, as well as our mannerisms. Not to mention, I was more of a risk-taker than her.

[44sunsets]

I've known a few INTJ women in real life and I've found that it's usually pretty easy to spot them.

They're all very independent, confident, have a low tolerance for BS, enjoy science fiction and fantasy etc but there's also plenty of differences and variations. Some desperately want babies and to start a family, while others hate kids. Some have learned to be really social while others prefer to stay out of the limelight. For some reason some people seem to think that INTJ women are really "masculine" but in my experience this is not the case -- they can be just as girly as every other woman.

Some INTJ women may have traditionally "masculine" interests and hobbies such as comics, science, video games but this just goes to show how gender prejudiced society is in this regard, and it really doesn't mean anything in the big picture.

The only "butch" INTJ woman I've known is a lesbian who takes on the more "masculine" side of the relationship (with another INTJ woman, naturally!).

From a male point of view, the INTJ women I've known are all exceptionally physically attractive.

INTJ females tend to avoid other females, whereas male INTJs often avoid members of the opposite sex (not out of preference, but for reasons of social insecurity).

A lot of INTJ women on this board appear to prefer the company of male friends, but the INTJ women I've known (whether single or married) all have far more girlfriends than male friends.

[Lucid]

They're all very independent, confident, have a low tolerance for BS, enjoy science fiction and fantasy etc but there's also plenty of differences and variations. Some desperately want babies and to start a family, while others hate kids. Some have learned to be really social while others prefer to stay out of the limelight. For some reason some people seem to think that INTJ women are really "masculine" but in my experience this is not the case -- they can be just as girly as every other woman.

Some INTJ women may have traditionally "masculine" interests and hobbies such as comics, science, video games but this just goes to show how gender prejudiced society is in this regard, and it really doesn't mean anything in the big picture.

Well put. I like video games, science, comics etc. and I also like make up and shoes and painting my nails, etc.

A lot of INTJ women on this board appear to prefer the company of male friends, but the INTJ women I've known (whether single or married) all have far more girlfriends than male friends.

I think this is also the case. I have lots of friends, both male and female. I'd say the distribution is about 50/50. However, most of the females I'm friends with are not very "girly" themselves and also like things like beer, cars, video games and such. As well as shoes and nail polish.

Heh. While aspects of it are difficult and frustrating and there are times that it really sucks, on the whole I love being an INTJ female. It's like getting the best of both worlds. And it's kind of cool to be as rare as we are.

[noueux]

...enjoy science fiction and fantasy etc...

For the record, I hate science fiction and fantasy. No really. I don't care if I'm the only one, I find fantasy utterly boring, and get really, really pissed off by the lack of explanation for the "science" in science fiction. Don't even get me started on time travel. I'm definitely a head-in-the-clouds, imagining other worlds type, except my other worlds require a rigor that I don't often find in fiction. (lol, Adventures in Axiom-land!) The only time I can stand science fiction/ fantasy is when it's super campy.

(Okay, so from both the Woman and the INTJ perspective, maybe I'm just super-oppositional and enjoy defying expectations.)

Also, sometimes I think maybe I am more like a male version of myself. Most of my friends are gay men, and yeah, around them, I'm often like "one of the guys". (And don't come at me with any of that, oh, but gay men act like women bull, because human diversity is not that easy to dismiss.)

[smashy]

The feminine side of me:

I like dressing feminine and girly,
I like shopping,
I like to keep my hair beautiful and go to the hairdresser, I have straightners and curly irons at home,
I like to do my nails,
I use lots of body products (moisturizing, etc) and also lots of face products,
I do body skin treatments at beauty centres,
I like to know the latest trends in fashion and beauty,
I read women magazines,
I cry when hurt

The masculine side of me:

I played competitive tennis for several years and I’m a very goal-oriented and competitive person,
I don’t like talking about my feelings,
I don't have patience for moments where people show feelings, I just find them a waste of time,
I don’t like talking about fashion, beauty treatments, shopping, etc,
I hate gossip and hate to speak about others lives,
I don't like showing affection 24/7 neither I know how to do that,
I’m very independent and hate when people ask me questions about my private life,

I hate science fiction and fantasy. I don’t see any point.

I also have no patience for other people kids, although I want to have a baby one day.
I just don’t see having kids as a way for having happiness or as my purpose in life either. I see it as something more in my life, but I don’t see myself living for my kids exclusively or putting myself or my partner in second place, especially when they grow old.

There must be more things, but I can only remember these now.

[Harmony]

I also have no patience for other people kids, although I want to have a baby one day.
I just don’t see having kids as a way for having happiness or as my purpose in life either. I see it as something more in my life, but I don’t see myself living for my kids exclusively or putting myself or my partner in second place, especially when they grow old.

Oddly enough, I think if I were male I would want children more than I currently do... Just to carry on the family name... I suppose if I stay single I could adopt one day to carry on the name... I think I'd have to be super stable to do that though...

But yeah, I agree with you I have no tolerance for other people's kids.... Mainly because too many people just let their kids run wild.... And all I can think is wow, you will regret that later in life...

[Librorum]

We can create life. Mwa ha ha!

[firetiger]

Anecdotally speaking, it seems like INTJ women are often more opposed to "traditional gender roles" than INTJ men are. My only guess for the reasoning behind that is that a lot of INTJ traits, like a lack of emotional displays and such, are considered more stereotypically masculine. But that's just a vague idea based on broad generalizations.

opposed= true
understanding how they function in society= also true.





firetiger added to this post, 9 minutes and 56 seconds later...

INTJ female
but if you ask anyone around me that doesnt know me well they will be shocked to hear it
theres a masculine element to my personality
but on the face of it i am feminine, maybe even 'girly'
i understand the need to maintain roles in order to maintain appearances
but i dont believe in it, therefore preferring to be alone

as i've matured, my friends are males (tho i don't believe in male-female FRIENDSHIPS. they dont exist in my opinion)
so males and females can co-exist as 'friends' and we chat and have a similar stance on issues, we go out drinking and i can keep up, i work out harder than them, i get a little pissed off more than guys, too. crude and racial jokes amuse me. i am sarcastic and slightly icy. i like tattoos, booze, sex... if it comes up in conversation i wont beat around the bush.

this tends to turn potential female friends off. the ones who are interested enough to get to know me actually find that we have much in common,too.

relationships are a bit difficult for me and require a lot of emotional energy that i dont feel like expending because it's better spent towards something PRODUCTIVE.

however; unlike INTJ i dont mind flirting. small talk, no. flirting is nice for my ego ;) once it starts to progress...eh i get reaaallll uncomfortable

xxx

[energy]

I'm an INTJ female in my 40s and I'm able to float between the male and female worlds and choose how much I want to participate. With certain women friends, I love hanging out, drinking lots of wine, and chatting about whatever comes up. With women who are all emotion or those who seem to have no self esteem or nothing of interest going on in their lives, I have no desire to get to know them.

I also love hanging out with guy friends, playing with new technology, talking about work, and generally being part of their world for a while. However, these are men with whom I already have things in common - and they are married or otherwise taken, so we can flirt lightly knowing it won't lead anywhere.

I am confident and like looking good, but I don't feel pressured to do it all of the time. I have no desire to reproduce, but I live in a house full of animals and lavish them with love and attention. I enjoy going to small parties, but can spend long periods of time by myself and it makes me feel refreshed.

One INTJ woman's perspective on it all.

[Anreader]

I am a female INTJ. I also do not get along with other women very much. Their emotional crap fills me with dread. And I have to say that I tend to be almost misogynistic in my opinions about some women I know. The negative opinion I have towards other women also affects my opinions of myself in some way i think and i believe it is unhealthy. I also agree with Rara Avis that my more "feminine" traits feel like some sort of game i play and would not be comfortable if forced to be a "normal" woman. And my sexier outfits do sort of make me feel as if i were a drag queen. Maybe its because my mother wasn't interested in any of the "fun" things about being a girl, just the "work" women do. I like cooking though...

[Hinun]

They differ in that they have breasts and a vagina where as males (most of em) have no breasts and a twig and berries. This is pretty standard across all personality types though.

Seriously though, there's a bunch of female INTJs here on the forum (if you can believe them) so get to know a few of them and find out for yourself. They're refreshingly all a little different.

I think this quote sums up my thoughts on women on the internet "there are no women on the internetz" , pish posh!

But seriously, any INTJ's women I have met in real life are varying, some are reserved, but warm when you get to know them, and others are just cold SOB's and cold to the core, much like the range of many other personality type groups, particularly female INTP's, but I don't know many INTJ women, so I cannot give a very accurate answer.

[cncracer]

Last night I talked with a friend who is female and also an INTJ. I had noticed for years we had similar traits and even that our spouses were of similar personality types. In conservations among a group of extroverts it was noted that we were the two introverts in our group. She mentioned her type and sure enough it was INTJ. She and I discussed personality types for about an hour after that away from the group. The traits listed in our personality type are equally as strong in her as in me. She handles the introverted part of her personality better than I do by being the organizer for events in her social group. She said after events get started she needs to get away from the people. In her work she also reached the highest point she could reach (she is retired Air Force as is her husband). We both have the problem of feeling drained when in a group situation and how it seems when we do the slip away from any group they seem to follow with questions or problems for us to handle. I have noticed this for years, and get frustrated that my space is invaded. I need the time away and call it my recharge time. She also needs the same down time and said she is always the first to leave any social event.
We noted the similarities in our spouses, and the two factors which stand out in them are they are both extroverted and intellectuals. She thinks the desire to connect the intellectual level is what attracted her to her husband, and I know it is also a major factor in the relationship between my wife and I. We are both known for being less than tactful. I think blunt is the best word. I think it is an effort to get the time and solitude to recharge. We are both non religious which seems to be a trait in out group, and both goal oriented to a fought.
I now know why when our spouses have these gathering it always seems we both seem to end up on the back deck away from the buzz of people. It was nice to fine another INTJ and see how close out traits seem to follow each other.