dealing with social anxiety

[rocksteady]

I have recognized for a while that being an introvert can have some negative consequences, even being as relatively well adjusted socially as I believe I am.

I get very nervous and anxious whenever I am around unfamiliar people, unless of course there as been some sort of narcotic in the mix (alcohol, etc) Even normal conversation with casual friends can be tedious for me, and I fear I without doing something, it may get worse.

Now my question is this, I have recently been trying to embrace a more healthy lifestyle, and am taking steps to improving my social skills, through technique and possibly chemically.

Does anyone have experiences with prescription medications that deal with these sorts of things?

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?

any input is greatly appreciated, and for some reason I feel I would get better information from here than from my family doctor..

[Hdier]

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?

ARROGANCE. I know that I am better than most of my peers (in my opinion; I'm in high school and most of the people I know are worried about [mocking disgust] how popular the are {or} if {insert name here} is going to {insert name here}'s party[/mocking disgust], and it is sickening to here that they actually think that having their hair 1/8 of an inch to long (no joke; I actually heard someone complaining about this) is a real problem. I'm worried about things like world hunger and poverty, not if I look presentable enough to learn! This has caused me to be increadibly confidant in front of my peers (really helps in giving speeches), but anyone I judge to be better than me (generally only people such as teachers) will cause anxiety; I'm a work in progress.

[rocksteady]

ARROGANCE. I know that I am better than most of my peers (in my opinion; I'm in high school and most of the people I know are worried about [mocking disgust] how popular the are {or} if {insert name here} is going to {insert name here}'s party[/mocking disgust], and it is sickening to here that they actually think that having their hair 1/8 of an inch to long (no joke; I actually heard someone complaining about this) is a real problem. I'm worried about things like world hunger and poverty, not if I look presentable enough to learn!

the weird part is that I already think similarly, it just doesn't translate into my socialization. I think it has something to do with over-analyzing social situations, which I can't really think of a way to just stop doing it, it would go against my nature.

[Hdier]

the weird part is that I already think similarly, it just doesn't translate into my socialization. I think it has something to do with over-analyzing social situations, which I can't really think of a way to just stop doing it, it would go against my nature.

I delay that analyzation; rather than analyze it right than and there, I analyze it later, soothing that back left corner of my brain (it's the part that 'feels' like it constantly analyzes everythin; it 'feels' like a machine) by telling it it will get better quality analization, as well as being able to analyze more, if it waits (it took me a few months to get it so I could reactively do this though; I wasn't very patient and as a result none of my brains parts were either).

[bubbles]

I'm get a bit anxious too while in social situations, especially with strangers. I don't drink (still under 21 and still keeping it legal...), but it might help if you have alcohol. I try to pretend that I know people better (to feel more comfortable with them) so I can be myself. And when I get tired or when it gets awkward, I excuse myself and use the bathroom or whatever. I probably shouldn't be giving advice since I'm pretty much in your position, but I hope it helps.

And here's some advice I got from someone who is far more sociable than I am: "Practice" I.E. actually socializing with others more often.

ARROGANCE. I know that I am better than most of my peers (in my opinion; I'm in high school and most of the people I know are worried about...

I was like that a little bit more than year ago at the beginning of my senior year in high school. Then we matured (including myself) my peers are become less self-conscious and valued the more important things in life. I became less arrogant because I realized that I was one of them -- a nervous adolescent -- who was nervous about colleges, the future, and other stuff; we just had different priorities. Arrogance doesn't really help (people accused me of being arrogant and I didn't have much friends...).

[Hdier]

but it might help if you have alcohol.

No! Whatever you do, don't drink alcohol! What alcohol does is enhance
your mood! It's a common misconception, but a lot of people think that drinking alcohol will make you feel better. It won't. If you feel anxious, drinking will only make you feel really, really anxious (though in small, diluted doses it can actually be very helpful; I know I may be contradicting myself a little bit, but in this case better none than to much)! If you only follow one piece of advice, then follow that.

I was like that a little bit more than year ago at the beginning of my senior year in high school. Then we matured (including myself) my peers are become less self-conscious and valued the more important things in life. I became less arrogant because I realized that I was one of them -- a nervous adolescent -- who was nervous about colleges, the future, and other stuff; we just had different priorities. Arrogance doesn't really help (people accused me of being arrogant and I didn't have much friends...).Maybe I'm still a bit immature, but I do believe that I am far superior to my peers, in what I believe is important. Sure, I can't tell you any gossip, which some people seem to 'collect' so that they are always 'in the loop', but I don't really care about that. Also, I never said that you should express arrogance, just feel it (though I suppose that I should say that in order to prevent misunderstandings like this one). I express my arrogance at every chance I get, but that's because I am trying to avoid making friends. Also, I should clarify; I mean controlled arrogance. There are areas (anything athletic being the major one) where I fall flat on my face against my peers. Maybe arrogance isn't exactly accurate. I use arrogance to fuel my confidence in what I know. The fact that I am gifted (not bragging, or arrogance; I tested as gifted in my first elementary school and was put in a special program from K-5) probably doesn't hurt with my academic arrogance. Oh yeah, and...


I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!!!


By this, I don't mean that I automatically do what they don't, and vice versa, as that would be just as bad (allowing them to control me). What I do mean, is that I do what I want to, without regard to what people who I don't deem important think. Now, however I am talking about what I do, which is not what he wants to do. Again, I try to avoid making friends (I don't want to derail the thread).

[rocksteady]

And here's some advice I got from someone who is far more sociable than I am: "Practice" I.E. actually socializing with others more often.


This seems like good advice, and I've been making a conscious effort to get some practice in. If there is a shortcut (prescription drugs!) than that is also something i'd like to explore.

and Hdier, alcohol works wonders for me to shut down my analytical process, which in turn makes me a lot more fun at parties, so yes, it does work, but is not an optimal solution.

In regards to your other post, maybe confidence is a better word.

[Henry]

I have recognized for a while that being an introvert can have some negative consequences, even being as relatively well adjusted socially as I believe I am.

I get very nervous and anxious whenever I am around unfamiliar people, unless of course there as been some sort of narcotic in the mix (alcohol, etc) Even normal conversation with casual friends can be tedious for me, and I fear I without doing something, it may get worse.

Now my question is this, I have recently been trying to embrace a more healthy lifestyle, and am taking steps to improving my social skills, through technique and possibly chemically.

Does anyone have experiences with prescription medications that deal with these sorts of things?

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?

any input is greatly appreciated, and for some reason I feel I would get better information from here than from my family doctor..

Common SSRIs are, if I recall correctly, effective in treating society anxiety. But use the pills, then desensitize yourself to the anxiety by meeting a lot of people, then kick the pills.

Your best bet though is by facing the fear, even though this may be hard. The absolute worst thing that can happen in a common social situation is that the person is uninterested in interacting with you and expresses that in a rude way. At which point you say "Screw them" walk away and rinse, wash repeat. If you recognize social anxiety as irrational, it will likely go away with desensitization.

If its still too hard or if you beat yourself up afterwards, just objectively analyze what you could have done better and try not to pass judgement on yourself. If you are feeling down or personally offended by behavior, "the word is not the thing" and "no one but me is a judge of my personal worth" can be helpful. It will still hurt, but its worth it.

And arrogance is, for me, a defense mechanism. Its one that I'm prone to utilizing, but its certainly part of my lower nature.

[logos]

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?

When I was a child I felt the same anxiety. You have to truly not care what others think of you, then you will be able to deal with them as you would any other system. You have to realize that they are just like you.

[Hdier]

When I was a child I felt the same anxiety. You have to truly not care what others think of you, then you will be able to deal with them as you would any other system. You have to realize that they are just like you.

I think that that's what I was getting at with the whole arrogance thing (except for the just like you part), but I had never really examined it that much so I didn't realize it.

Thanks, Logos

[mind_wander]

the weird part is that I already think similarly, it just doesn't translate into my socialization. I think it has something to do with over-analyzing social situations, which I can't really think of a way to just stop doing it, it would go against my nature.

Yeah, I know what you mean; at times, I'd would stop half way with the analysis or like Hdier and respond, ASAP. This is very hard to deal with because people will say, "Are you alive, what are you thinking about? Can you please respond, please?" In my mind, "Can you please wait a min, Geez, I am processing here." Try to make sense of what you just said, so I can give you the best answer for you. One more impatient comment, then I give you one ARROGANT answer.

BTW Hdier, I'm in college, but you are not locked out. There are other similar personalities, which you can talk too, but meeting an INTJ, well thats another story. You chances are able to meet ISTJ's, ISFJ's, ENTP's, ENTJ's and many other good personality types, who you take the pleasure and laugh with the crowd. Make the entire experience more meaningful. Once, you do get that chance; finally, I can deal with other people, if they are not afraid of me, then I am not afraid of them :)

[Hdier]

Yeah, I know what you mean; at times, I'd would stop half way with the analysis or like Hdier and respond, ASAP. This is very hard to deal with because people will say, "Are you alive, what are you thinking about? Can you please respond, please?" In my mind, "Can you please wait a min, Geez, I am processing here." Try to make sense of what you just said, so I can give you the best answer for you. One more impatient comment, then I give you one ARROGANT answer.

Ditto, though I always use sarcasm. Sarcasm rocks.

BTW Hdier, I'm in college, but you are not locked out. There are other similar personalities, which you can talk too, but meeting an INTJ, well thats another story. You chances are able to meet ISTJ's, ISFJ's, ENTP's, ENTJ's and many other good personality types, who you take the pleasure and laugh with the crowd. Make the entire experience more meaningful. Once, you do get that chance; finally, I can deal with other people, if they are not afraid of me, then I am not afraid of them :)

I assume that you are responding to my comments about avoiding making friends. Let me explain my situation (and I am going to start going into 'wishy-washy' stuff, I believe some people call it (PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM USING THE WRONG TERM), as well as indulging in a touch of self pitty; you have been warned):

My dad was in the Air Force. I grew up in AZ, where I made very good friends, untill (about 6 years later) we moved. Then, just as I managed to start making friends again, we moved again. At the new school, I was relatively naive, and so people would attack me (emotionally, not physically), which would not normally have been a problem, but I was already going through a tough time. We moved one more time (my dad's retired now, so we shouldn't move anymore), but I had built up a defense against the other kids cruelty (mainly arrogance and withholding any and all emotions), and now that they're being nice to me I am still a bit suspicious and stuff. I expect I should start making friends in 2 years, at the latest.

Now that I've gone on that long rant, I think that we should stop talking about that and get back on topic, social anxiety.:cheesy:

[rocksteady]

When I was a child I felt the same anxiety. You have to truly not care what others think of you, then you will be able to deal with them as you would any other system. You have to realize that they are just like you.

well you see the problem is I actually DO care what others think, and I don't really want to lose that. I find that being perceptive to other peoples thoughts emotions is great information when dealing with the social world. The problem is I can't process the information without some sense of unease. I am sure a lot of it has to do with fear of something in my subconscious, because I can't think of any rational reason that I would get these feelings. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am aware that people constantly mis-interpret what I say, and have developed an anxiety against doing it more.

[Meyer]

I think one common denominator among all people whether E or I, confident or not is that they are constantly worried and or thinking about how they appear to others. Knowing this has helped me to overcome my social anxiety quite a bit. Truthfully unless you make a total ass out of yourself I think most people are too concerned with themselves to spend much time judging you. The ones who do make it apoint to ridicule or tease are not worth your time anyway. They most likely are just covering up some deeper insecurity.

[logos]

well you see the problem is I actually DO care what others think, and I don't really want to lose that. I find that being perceptive to other peoples thoughts emotions is great information when dealing with the social world. The problem is I can't process the information without some sense of unease. I am sure a lot of it has to do with fear of something in my subconscious, because I can't think of any rational reason that I would get these feelings. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am aware that people constantly mis-interpret what I say, and have developed an anxiety against doing it more.

I'm not sure what other advice I can give. It sounds generic and you've probably heard it a million times from extroverts, but, be yourself. Accept that some people will find your insights immensely valuable and others will think you've got something wrong with your brain.

In the office where I work, one of the upper management staff from a different department made a comment to his girlfriend who works under me that he thought I seemed like the kind of guy who was a serial killer or that might someday go postal. She said she couldn't contain her laughter and told me about it the next day. He doesn't know that I know what he said, so when I see him now I either give him strange looks or pretend not to see him and twitch funny or do some other insane-looking activity. It amuses me.

[Hdier]

Accept that some people will find your insights immensely valuable...

Everyone in the world you don't meet, LOL.

[mind_wander]

Ditto, though I always use sarcasm. Sarcasm rocks.



I assume that you are responding to my comments about avoiding making friends. Let me explain my situation (and I am going to start going into 'wishy-washy' stuff, I believe some people call it (PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM USING THE WRONG TERM), as well as indulging in a touch of self pitty; you have been warned):

My dad was in the Air Force. I grew up in AZ, where I made very good friends, untill (about 6 years later) we moved. Then, just as I managed to start making friends again, we moved again. At the new school, I was relatively naive, and so people would attack me (emotionally, not physically), which would not normally have been a problem, but I was already going through a tough time. We moved one more time (my dad's retired now, so we shouldn't move anymore), but I had built up a defense against the other kids cruelty (mainly arrogance and withholding any and all emotions), and now that they're being nice to me I am still a bit suspicious and stuff. I expect I should start making friends in 2 years, at the latest.

Now that I've gone on that long rant, I think that we should stop talking about that and get back on topic, social anxiety.:cheesy:

Yeah, sarcasm rocks, but its a doubled-edge sword. In the INTJ community, we all know for a fact its for fun; no hard FEELINGS. But, for those who have feelings, they get hurt. OMG, this SOB called me names, calls up the manager up. In labor law citation 23, its he/she can't do that too me. Oh boy, damn it I'm in trouble; what people don't got a sense of humor? This is the downside of the sarcasm. Another INTJ, who's not on this forum, but on anothe who I'm singing a duet with and by giving my comfort that I will not attack you at both ends. If something troubles you, go onto a rant; not a problem.

As for the second story, I've been in your situation before, but not the moving thing. Because you must have the confidence to face your fear, if you don't well your a BIG LOSER. I've noticed just like you, those people who used to bullied you around crack jokes at you, end up with one's commented positively toward you. Wow, how the heck do you do that? But you know why they say that, they are the truely the lonely one's because their are no trusted friends around them. Everyone is like an enemy, but for us INTJ's the friends circle does hold up to its end of the bargain and it lasts a life time, especially when you need it. By facing it, you gain so much more. I'm glad you be an self-confident INTJ and step up, for the challenge, if you don't then you will end up, as the bully because you send out frustrations just like the second example.

mind_wander added, 2 Minutes and 37 Seconds later...

I'm not sure what other advice I can give. It sounds generic and you've probably heard it a million times from extroverts, but, be yourself. Accept that some people will find your insights immensely valuable and others will think you've got something wrong with your brain.

In the office where I work, one of the upper management staff from a different department made a comment to his girlfriend who works under me that he thought I seemed like the kind of guy who was a serial killer or that might someday go postal. She said she couldn't contain her laughter and told me about it the next day. He doesn't know that I know what he said, so when I see him now I either give him strange looks or pretend not to see him and twitch funny or do some other insane-looking activity. It amuses me.

You know alot of people think INTJ's are like that; but at least we get our personal space, so be grateful.

[bubbles]

Maybe I'm still a bit immature, but I do believe that I am far superior to my peers, in what I believe is important. Sure, I can't tell you any gossip, which some people seem to 'collect' so that they are always 'in the loop', but I don't really care about that. Also, I never said that you should express arrogance, just feel it (though I suppose that I should say that in order to prevent misunderstandings like this one). I express my arrogance at every chance I get, but that's because I am trying to avoid making friends. Also, I should clarify; I mean controlled arrogance. There are areas (anything athletic being the major one) where I fall flat on my face against my peers. Maybe arrogance isn't exactly accurate. I use arrogance to fuel my confidence in what I know. The fact that I am gifted (not bragging, or arrogance; I tested as gifted in my first elementary school and was put in a special program from K-5) probably doesn't hurt with my academic arrogance. Oh yeah, and...

I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!!!


By this, I don't mean that I automatically do what they don't, and vice versa, as that would be just as bad (allowing them to control me). What I do mean, is that I do what I want to, without regard to what people who I don't deem important think. Now, however I am talking about what I do, which is not what he wants to do. Again, I try to avoid making friends (I don't want to derail the thread).

Sorry if I offended you. I didn't communicate very effectively...as usual. I'm not implying that you're one of them or anything, just saying that you might find that you can find something common with them and become friends with them. Then again, if you go to a small school and live in a small town, it's more difficult to find people you have something in common with. Personally, for me, socializing, especially with people I don't like can be exhausting, so I understand how it feels to be stuck in a place full of people you don't like.

I think a lot of us INTJ types are naturally arrogant, and that confidence will motivate us to achieve our goals, but it can hinder us if we display our confidence as "arrogance" at the wrong times. (I wouldn't admit that I'm arrogant in real life, especially since I'm from a culture that strongly discourages arrogance, but hey, this is an anonymous internet forum...)

In the office where I work, one of the upper management staff from a different department made a comment to his girlfriend who works under me that he thought I seemed like the kind of guy who was a serial killer or that might someday go postal. She said she couldn't contain her laughter and told me about it the next day. He doesn't know that I know what he said, so when I see him now I either give him strange looks or pretend not to see him and twitch funny or do some other insane-looking activity. It amuses me.

I got that a few times, too, though it was from a few friends that I met a long time ago. I didn't really have any feelings about it, but it was nice to get some honest feedback and find out what I can improve on.

[Hdier]

Sorry, my bad. You didn't offend me, I'm just incredibly weird (even for an INTJ), and instead of covering it up, I advertise it as much as possible.

BF

[Br3nti5]

I have big issues with social anxiety - a lot has to do with the fact that I have little to no confidence in my ability to speak clearly. Over the years it has gotten ALOT better but its taken some hard work on my part, but its hard to let go of past memory's of pain and torment from strangers to family; there was no peace anywhere for me when I was a younger.

This brings back a lot of old memory's.....:(

[mind_wander]

I have to agree with everything you said, Mind_Wanderer, but I don't have much to add to it.

I will take that, as a complement compromise. Thats good enough for me. No high expectations.

[Hdier]

I can't speak clearly either, if I'm talking to someone I know. Otherwise, I either speak slowly or don't speak.

[Kfbr]

Not necessarily arrogance, but cockiness has worked pretty good for me. I just walk around like hot shit and try not to let people know I'm judging them, which of course is what we do.

I've had to 'learn' how to be social, and it's tedious. People are the most unpredictable concept in the world, but I have to learn how to work with them. Studying personality types has helped a lot. I've learned never to direct wit and sarcasm to anyone you are around, and people like you tons better. And I just relax knowing how awesome I am 8)

[Bonnie]

I've heard a good way to combat social anxiety is to remember that everyone else is thinking about themselves and worrying about how they look/act/talk/etc. and therefore not concentrating on you, just like you are.

It helped me a while back, but now I'm finding it hard to focus on.

[chocky]

I have struggled off and on with social anxiety, and wonder if I ever crossed some line into the territory of phobia. It has been my choice to not medicate.

Similar to Bonnie's experience, when I finally realised that no one else could see the turmoil inside, nor were they viewing me through my own hypercritical eyes, I discovered some small (tenuous) freedom from the condition.

I discovered that if I merely acted confident and out-going and happy, other people actually accepted that to be who I was. (And so arises a new problem - that of managing one's social characters and maintaining the facade.)

There are very, very, very few people out there who can (be bothered to) see into your abyss.

[WavesSootheMe]

...nor were they viewing me through my own hypercritical eyes...

I think that's the key, at least it is if you have the tendencies of a perfectionist. You're probably far more critical of your mistakes than anyone else. On top of that, it's important to realize that if you never try you won't have mistakes to learn from. I'm not sure that I can relate to social anxiety. I'm not quite sure how to classify my anxiety, but unfamiliar people is definitely in the mix. I know that slowly facing the situations that make me anxious is my best bet to overcome it, instead of just cope with it or avoid it. You may have more opportunities for this as you get older and move out on your own. The important thing in this process is not to beat yourself up over not being able to face something. If you're not ready, it's not the end of the world. First tackle the situation that makes you the least anxious and do so several times in as many different contexts as you can think of (this is important for generalization), then slowly work your way up. I don't know the particularities of your anxiety or what you want to accomplish, but let's take the general fear of unfamiliar people. Pick someone like an acquaintance, someone that produces some anxiety, but not so much that you can't cope. Approach them and have a conversation with them. Do so with several different people that you can fit into this category until you're comfortable approaching a new person for the first time (generally this will happen on the 4th or 5th try). Then move on to the next level, maybe this is someone that you've seen around, but have never really spoken to, and repeat the process. The more you do this the more the next step won't seem so unattainable. Keep going until you reach your goal. I know it seems really broken down and tedious, but it can help ease your way into practice if total immersion just makes you shut down. Whatever your situation is, the key is to break it down into manageable bites and remember that it's not a race. Go through the steps as slow or as fast as you feel comfortable, but keep at it. If you take a step up and shut down, go back a step or consider that maybe you skipped over one, and then move forward from there.

[Hypomanic]

I have social anxiety all the time, a little bit is normal.. I probably have more than normal, but here's my 2 cents anyway. If the anxiety is debilitating I suggest you see a psychologist to see if you might have depression, or an anxiety disorder. Some issues are beyond conscious control. If not, ignore my suggestion.

Oh I just saw that you asked for medicines. Your psychologist should know best, but Zoloft is both an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety. Take vitamin B also, your body tends to deplete this when under stress.

[dayguard]

I think why I get anxious in the first place is that I don't like to be the center of attraction. It feels weird especially if I'm talking to a bigger group of people of stranger. The tendency is I want to get over with the talking asap, hence the gibberish from my mouth. The real message fails to be put across. I tell myself that my thoughts and opinions are worth to be heard. I owe it to myself to present my thoughts clearly. Even though I still feel people don't get what i really mean at times. Still in the learning process, I suppose.

The cool thing about interacting with people is that they will present the how they see the situation differently and we can analyze them and choose to put them down(by this i mean that they can choose to accept what we think of their opinion).
I know it seems really broken down and tedious, but it can help ease your way into practice if total immersion just makes you shut down.
Taking things into chunks is probably the way we logical people should approach this. It gets less confusing. When enough practice is done the actions get ingrained into our subconscious so that we won't have to really think about it. Practise talking to yourself in the comfort of your own private space. When you become the same person in your personal space and when you are in public, things should fall in place. And by this, I don't mean retreating into your head in public. At times, we have to learn to be in the moment with everything else. When it because too much of a pain... then retreat into your head. There is time for everything. There's time for analyzing but leave it for later. Hmm.. maybe just a little analyzing while talking to people.

As for sarcasm, it is a tool we use to cover up our own insecurity. When you use sarcasm, you are basically saying, "Don't talk to me!". Don't be surprised if the person you use sarcasm on acts all weird the second time you try to chat him up. Sarcasm = bad. I know it's hard to keep it inside at times. Let it be an amusement just for you by keeping it inside.

[Ryokurin]

I've been dealing with this for really the past four years or so, and really for a while there I was convinced that I needed medication for it, but I never did go to the shrink to go about getting it as personally I felt that doing it would admit that there was something actually wrong with me and that what I went through in the past was truly beyond my control. That alone would have opened a pandora's box and who knows what would have happened at that point...

Getting to the good stuff, I would say that the biggest thing that helped me was that for one I now know that there are others like me and that the feelings I had was normal and ok and second, was that a lot of the fears and doubt that I had was actually put there by others and I somehow started to believe that it all applied to me. I'm not shy, I'm just judgmental but after hearing from people for years how I'm so quiet and shy I believed it. The same goes with meek and weak.

I think the biggest thing that snapped me out of it was one day a guy I know asked me point blank about why I try to act so meek and with uncertainty when several times over I have demonstrated 110% confidence and leadership in several things, and I just had to admit to myself that a ton of it is all in my head. I'm not going to say I'm 100% cured but I can usually snap myself out of anxiety with some ease now just because I'm sure its just bullshit running through my head that I've built up over the past 28 years.

[PortInStorm]

There's something called the spotlight effect that teenagers are especially prone to, but all of us are too, to some degree. We think everyone's watching us, but NO ONE IS ... well, maybe the person you're speaking to, but even then, they're wondering more about what you think of them (they're too busy squirming under the spotlight to notice you). At absolute worst, the one or two people who were talking to you remember something bad about you for two minutes until their brain gets distracted with someone else. We really overestimate how much others think of us, and also how unique we are. Trust the research.

[WavesSootheMe]

It's great to understand the "worst-case scenario," but it's not a switch for everyone. In many anxiety-inducing situations, we may logically realize that nothing bad can really happen to us, but still be unable to control the anxiety response. If this is the case, the realizations can still be useful to facilitate practice and speed up the steps. To learn a new behavior, we must first unlearn the old behavior. This takes time and, as many have mentioned, practice.

[OneHertz]

I understood that I had a big problem with public speaking around grade 9. I then forced myself into drama class for 3 years in a row until I got used to it. Yes, it was EXTREMELY awkward the first year, but it got better and better. I now do high-end technical sales and basically speak to random people 30 hours a week. I've been doing great actually, better than most other guys and I get paid a lot. I don't love this job by any means, but I do love the pay so I am sticking with it.

[zhandao]

It's great to understand the "worst-case scenario," but it's not a switch for everyone. In many anxiety-inducing situations, we may logically realize that nothing bad can really happen to us, but still be unable to control the anxiety response. If this is the case, the realizations can still be useful to facilitate practice and speed up the steps. To learn a new behavior, we must first unlearn the old behavior. This takes time and, as many have mentioned, practice. Yeah, that's the thing. Social anxiety is almost never (if not always never) logical. But it can override logical thinking, just like any other irrational fear, especially when it turns into social phobia.

The thing with "practice" is that it is hard to be forced. There is a lack of self-confidence, and the only way to forcibly improve yourself would be to go out and throw yourself into social situations... which in turn requires the social confidence that is lacking. Otherwise, if it were easy to force yourself into social situations, then you don't really have that much social anxiety in the first place.

I have been dealing with shyness and social anxiety and I realized of late that I just have to accept that these things might just take time. The circular logic above prevents me from improving in a short period of time, but I have noticed that I am getting less anxious and more genuinely confident as every day passes, even if by minuscule amounts. And if I luck upon a moment where I feel more self-confident than usual, then I jump on that opportunity. This is not a very favorable realization for me, though, as I am quite an impatient person, but... well... gotta accept what seems to be the truth.

I've considered therapy, and I'm sure CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) would work much more drastically, but on the other hand my anxiety makes me fearful of talking things out with a therapist. I've tried taking valium in stressful situations and that does help, but I don't take it regularly because benzos are addictive. I tried an SSRI but that just made me feel sick for a week, and my anxiety is hardly a life-threatening situation.

[WavesSootheMe]

The thing with "practice" is that it is hard to be forced. There is a lack of self-confidence, and the only way to forcibly improve yourself would be to go out and throw yourself into social situations... which in turn requires the social confidence that is lacking. Otherwise, if it were easy to force yourself into social situations, then you don't really have that much social anxiety in the first place.

The key is baby steps, as I wrote in my first post (the one you quoted is my second). Don't throw yourself in and set yourself up for failure. Figure out a small step you can take and once you're confident at that go up a step. A therapist can help guide you through this process and any problems that may surface as you go.

[Danisty]

Roleplaying is one of my favorite activities and to help with anxiety, I adopted it for social situations. I know that I'm uncomfortable and nervous, but I've learned to convince myself that I'm someone who is cool and I know what I'm doing. I often have to convince myself that I'm an expert before I talk about something. I have to assume that everyone else is an idiot and they're just waiting for me to set them straight. I've found most times it's true anyway.

[zhandao]

The key is baby steps, as I wrote in my first post (the one you quoted is my second). Don't throw yourself in and set yourself up for failure. Figure out a small step you can take and once you're confident at that go up a step. A therapist can help guide you through this process and any problems that may surface as you go.Sorry, I didn't read your first post and I quoted you more to respond to the general idea of "practice" that people have mentioned, not just to you personally. That is what I confirmed in the next paragraph, though. To be honest, it frustrates me to no end that it takes so long with so many "baby steps" in order to finally reach my goal. I don't know if INTJs are naturally impatient, but I definitely am - I tend to rather experience a lot of pain in an instant to get something done rather than endure it for a long time, and I've been tempted many times to just throw myself into an excruciating social situation to just get it all over with.

I really wish I wasn't so anxious that it prevents me from seeing a therapist. On the other hand, I'm proud of my improvement in the last month, in that I've befriended a bunch of people in my friend's fraternity. It usually takes me forever to ease myself into a friendship with someone. I'm pretty sure my newfound confidence is due to a 10 hour road trip I took to the mountains in North Carolina for a car meet (running Deal's Gap). I was extremely anxious, of course, but I had wanted to ride the mountains for many years so the latter superseded the former. I ended up getting to know 20 people in a day's worth of time since I would spend the whole day with them, and it just finally convinced my subconscious that there wasn't that much to fear.

[Caramel]

I 'have' social phobia. (I don't know the correct word to replace 'have' with. Sorry, English isn't my primary language).

It is the result of being bullied for many years in elementary school and in secondary school too. It stopped when I went to university. But the irrational feelings are still there. I can't allow myself to make any mistake in public, for it gives other people the chance of capatalizing upon it. (Kicking you down and humiliating you Oh and they will.). And I can't take critisism directed at my skills either, cause it brings up the same feelings.

I am visiting a therapist every now and then, and they want to put me in a cognitive behavior therapy group when it starts, somewhere in january.

[Danisty]

I 'have' social phobia. (I don't know the correct word to replace 'have' with. Sorry, English isn't my primary language).

It is the result of being bullied for many years in elementary school and in secondary school too. It stopped when I went to university. But the irrational feelings are still there. I can't allow myself to make any mistake in public, for it gives other people the chance of capatalizing upon it. (Kicking you down and humiliating you Oh and they will.). And I can't take critisism directed at my skills either, cause it brings up the same feelings.

I am visiting a therapist every now and then, and they want to put me in a cognitive behavior therapy group when it starts, somewhere in january.Oh I've definitely got issues from bullying as well. I'm convinced that anytime someone is behind me and laughing, they are definitely laughing at me.

[rocksteady]

Take vitamin B also, your body tends to deplete this when under stress.

Funny that you mention that. I've recently started taking supplements with tons of b-vitamins, and I've noticed that my confidence has been much higher as of late, and i am much more talkative. Still a raging introvert, but improving!

[rwyatt365]

Funny that you mention that. I've recently started taking supplements with tons of b-vitamins, and I've noticed that my confidence has been much higher as of late, and i am much more talkative. Still a raging introvert, but improving!
Reall?! So you feel that Vitamin B helped?

I'm asking because my wife is insisting that I start taking B-Complex for the same reason. I tried it once several years ago and felt absolutely nothing different.

I'm just curious.

[Caramel]

Hmm..I have a natural opposition against 'taking anything', even if it is just vitamins. I want to solve this with my mind, because that is what started it in the first place.

[Hdier]

Funny that you mention that. I've recently started taking supplements with tons of b-vitamins, and I've noticed that my confidence has been much higher as of late, and i am much more talkative. Still a raging introvert, but improving!

And why do you say that being a raging introvert is a bad thing? I am quite proud of being a raging introvert, thank you very much!

[Caramel]

Oh, I don't think he means that there is anything wrong with being introvert at all. But in the fight of overcoming social phobia/anxiety, it can be a 'blocking factor'. (You need to talk/socialize with people in order to experience good experiences that neutralize the bad experiences from the past.)

[rocksteady]

Reall?! So you feel that Vitamin B helped?

I'm asking because my wife is insisting that I start taking B-Complex for the same reason. I tried it once several years ago and felt absolutely nothing different.

I'm just curious.

You weren't taking enough! I take 200mg a day, like 10,000 x the daily limit. But the limits are based on what you need to "not die", but not necessarily stay healthy. I take "mega" supplements, and I immediately noticed I had more energy, clear thinking etc. I highly recommend it. This is where I get my supplements - I take 2 of these a day (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)

I started taking these along with grape seed extract and some fish oils, and i'll probably do it forever, the results are fantastic!

[Learning]

...Just wondering how the supplements are going. I'm seriously thinking about taking up some B6/B12. Valerian is supposed to be good for anxiety, too, but I'm doing a bit of research first to know which ones our bodies build up a tolerance to...and what side affects there may be to taking too many different things (i.e.- sometimes blood thinning depending on the supplements; usually herbal).

It's great that you found something that works for you, and that alcohol is ruled out. I was just wondering how long the effect of B vitamins lasts. Thanks a lot for posting the question and sharing your results:nice:.

[Pinkie]

Ah, Valerian... yes. I'm fairly convinced that Valerian is all that gets me through some situations. I'm deeply anxious in most social situations, and sometimes I don't have the energy to put up my HappyHappyConfidentCalm outer wall. Valerian stops me being so worried about it all - when things go 'wrong' (ie., not my way) it doesn't cut me up like it would without the Valerian.

[terencec]

Now my question is this, I have recently been trying to embrace a more healthy lifestyle, and am taking steps to improving my social skills, through technique and possibly chemically.

Does anyone have experiences with prescription medications that deal with these sorts of things?

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?

any input is greatly appreciated, and for some reason I feel I would get better information from here than from my family doctor..

I have social anxiety too. I think it is due to long time study by myself in school when I was a student and long period of solitaire after work. It may also be the intrinsic problem of my brain or chemical inbalance in my brain/body) . I am convinced if I go out everyday and force myself to talk to people (small steps everyday). I can overcome it if I have burning desire to do so. But I don't have time to do it. Too tired after work, spend time on reading, exercise etc. Don't have much time after work anyway.

I am wondering whether introvert causes social anxiety or social anxiety causes introvert. They seem to form a positive feedback loop.

[Hoorurly]

I have social anxiety as well, and I've never really overcome it and don't try any more. When I start feeling the anxiety caused by trying to hard to be social, I just step back and shut up. I convince myself that I don't really want to be social any way, so why put myself through the anxiety. A lot of times people will start talking to me and I feel a little more comfortable. Other times I leave the situation feeling like I'm no worse off than I was before I started. I don't have a lot of friends and don't feel the need for a lot of friends.

Just like this post. You don't know how hard it is for me to hit that post button!!

And I do think there is a positive feedback loop there, but I think being an introvert causes the social anxiety in the first place.

[terencec]

I have social anxiety all the time, a little bit is normal.. I probably have more than normal, but here's my 2 cents anyway.

ENTP has social anxiety? Is Extrovert supposed to have many friends so he/she does practice a lot in social situation. Hence, he/she should be comfortable around strangers. What is wrong of this theory?

[uberosity]

I am totally obsessed with my b-complex. Weird that you mention that. I helps me to stay focused and clear in and after stressful situations. My sister also swears by it for hangovers. For me, it works quickly. I can't take it before bed because I will be too alert. I would avoid the prescriptions, especially if you are a guy, if you know what I mean. Not worth it.

[Learning]

Ah, Valerian... yes. I'm fairly convinced that Valerian is all that gets me through some situations. I'm deeply anxious in most social situations, and sometimes I don't have the energy to put up my HappyHappyConfidentCalm outer wall. Valerian stops me being so worried about it all - when things go 'wrong' (ie., not my way) it doesn't cut me up like it would without the Valerian.

So it's really working for you;) How often & how much? I don't mean to be a stick in the mud or anything, but have you heard that it can cause liver damage? I say that because I'm looking into it myself, and still trying to decide. Meds would cause the same problem, but I much prefer the natural appraoch to things.





Learning added to this post, 1 minutes and 25 seconds later...

I am totally obsessed with my b-complex. Weird that you mention that. I helps me to stay focused and clear in and after stressful situations. My sister also swears by it for hangovers. For me, it works quickly. I can't take it before bed because I will be too alert. I would avoid the prescriptions, especially if you are a guy, if you know what I mean. Not worth it.
How long have you been taking it? It sounds like a winner.

[bubbles]

Valerian for social anxiety? I never thought about that. I took it for insomnia and it worked for about a month before my body built tolerance for it. I didn't notice any effects it had in regards to social anxiety. I stopped taking it just so I can feel its effects again when I really need it.

[Pinkie]

So it's really working for you;) How often & how much? I don't mean to be a stick in the mud or anything, but have you heard that it can cause liver damage? I say that because I'm looking into it myself, and still trying to decide. Meds would cause the same problem, but I much prefer the natural appraoch to things.


How often? Not very. I did take it once a week, in a tablet called Stressless (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) (available in the UK, I don't know about anywhere else) for a seminar which I hated, and I take it before a concert if I'm doing something in it which unnerves me (singing solo or sitting at the end of a row). However, largely I agree with you. It's better to learn to manage things. I took it for the seminar because I would get so nervous that all I could do was sit and stare at my desk, infecting the room with misery, and the first time I took the tablet (it has skullcap and other things in it) everyone said, 'You're much better this week!' and I thought, Hmmmm... useful...

Taking it all the time would just be stupid, though.

[Antares]

ARROGANCE. I know that I am better than most of my peers (in my opinion; I'm in high school and most of the people I know are worried about [mocking disgust] how popular the are {or} if {insert name here} is going to {insert name here}'s party[/mocking disgust], and it is sickening to here that they actually think that having their hair 1/8 of an inch to long (no joke; I actually heard someone complaining about this) is a real problem. I'm worried about things like world hunger and poverty, not if I look presentable enough to learn! This has caused me to be increadibly confidant in front of my peers (really helps in giving speeches), but anyone I judge to be better than me (generally only people such as teachers) will cause anxiety; I'm a work in progress.

I share your pains... We're (almost) exactly the same age and in high school. I deal with girls who don't know there's more to the world than gossiping, dating and shopping. When I discuss Politics and Global issues, they change the subject to Lilo and Stitch (how did I manage to survive, I wonder?) Sometimes I don't want to be seen with them, which would come off to arrogance to most people because they think that I consider myself to be above them. When I give speeches (I do that whenever I feel passionate about a subject), they beg me to stop... I'm considered in the 'nerd' group who are inherently premature and I talk to guys who do not care to make themselves 'attractive' to girls (What's with your taste, they say.). What they always see is the outside, hardly ever the inside. I'm close to those I admire and can learn something from and I generally avoid joining in the conversation if it's childish.

[WavesSootheMe]

I've recently made quite a few changes in my eating and exercise habits, which does include getting plenty of B vitamins. I made these changes without my anxiety in mind at all. I can't say that there's a causal relationship here, but a couple of days ago I was in a situation that would normally cause me to feel anxious, and instead, I was completely comfortable. I can't pinpoint the reason and we'll see if it continues/generalizes, but it was amazing to feel anxiety-free in that moment!

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Benzodiazapines. They are a mild tranquilizer and begin working approximately one hour after administration and last for several hours. Side effects usually include sleepiness and since they reduce your anxiety they tend to release your inhibitions. However, if you have an addictive personaliy, then they may not be the thing for you.

[Colette]

I get very nervous and anxious whenever I am around unfamiliar people, unless of course there as been some sort of narcotic in the mix (alcohol, etc) Even normal conversation with casual friends can be tedious for me, and I fear I without doing something, it may get worse.

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?


I wouldn't recommend drugs - alcohol included; in my experience they just mask the anxiety and can make the situation 10 times worse :)

For myself, I have suffered varying degrees of social anxiety over the years, but in the past few years, have largely overcome it by a fairly simple technique (the same one that is used for public speakers).

When encountering a new group of people, or a new person, try to take your focus off yourself and how you are feeling, and focus as hard as you can on the other person or people. Immediately you will feel less anxious and self-conscious, and you will develop better tools for getting to know others, through a genuine interest in them.

[AgentofGaming]

Have any of you ever run away at the thought of ordering fast-food?
I used to have that when I was very young, and when I think back it's kind of silly and makes a good laugh.

Getting lost in public is where social-anxiety becomes it's worst. I wonder who will I ask? Why them? What will other people think if I ask them? If I ask them and not somebody else, would that ruin my impartiality?

I don't join clubs, and I don't hop into groups unless it's really awkward. Actually it happens every year: everyone forms groups I'll be sitting there ignoring everybody until it's too awkward and I just have to weirdly drift into someone's group or ask the Teaching Assistant "I need help". I think I'm isolating myself.

[blueeyedsusan]

I agree, everyone is self involved and not looking at you. The only time that changes is when people in a clique develop a "pack" mentality. Most people are not secure enough to develop their own unique point of view.

[Joes Pizza]

I've found that i tend to dislike crowds because i see a lot of flaws and scars in traits that are common in society.
These flaws become more and more evident when i have many individuals to observe.
Harder to block out the overwhelming negatives with groups.

Eh, i have done a lot of animal rescue and worked with children for many years and when you have seen animals discarded as trash and children used as objects to give the parents more attention, only to be ignored or abused when not in a social situation, you tend to become jaded.

We tend to, often, forget that we are only visiting this planet for around 100 years so we think it is ours to do whatever we want, consequences be damned.
This is not true.

[Caramel]

Its february now and the cognitive behavior therapy group, which was supposed to start in january, still hasn't started.

Why am I not surprised.

[Jgib5328]

I have recognized for a while that being an introvert can have some negative consequences, even being as relatively well adjusted socially as I believe I am.

I get very nervous and anxious whenever I am around unfamiliar people, unless of course there as been some sort of narcotic in the mix (alcohol, etc) Even normal conversation with casual friends can be tedious for me, and I fear I without doing something, it may get worse.

Now my question is this, I have recently been trying to embrace a more healthy lifestyle, and am taking steps to improving my social skills, through technique and possibly chemically.

Does anyone have experiences with prescription medications that deal with these sorts of things?

Any personal behavior techniques that can deal with the anxiety that social situations present?

any input is greatly appreciated, and for some reason I feel I would get better information from here than from my family doctor..

Dude just get off your computer or get your nose out of your books and just talk to people. The only way you are going to fix a social problem is socially. Just go out and talk to more people. The more you do it, the less socially anxious you will be. Don't try and pussy foot around it with medication or some other method. All you have to do is talk to people, it's really not that difficult.

[sonofone]

Arrogance sometimes works for me but its really more of a problem than anything. When I'm talking to most people sometimes it works and sometimes the person can tell I'm using that device (aka they know I think I'm better than them). Anyway... for most people that's fine, but when I'm interviewing for a job or talking to someone I respect I can't use it and my social anxiety comes back. I need to find a way to feel equal to people or humble but still effective in interviews and when meeting people I truly respect and wish, in turn, the same from them. Help?

[Learning]

The post before yours makes a pretty good point about continuing to apply yourself. Dilligence usually pays off, even if you don't see the results right away.

[MNRon]

I'm 59, and have never had anxiety as long as I am the one in the front of the room, giving the sermon/lecture/presentation. Sitting in the "audience," however, whether at a conference, movie, church, seminar, restaurant, is another story. I need to be by the door or window, and am likely to be the one who bails out altogether. I refuse to wait in lines, go to banquets, etc. Where two or three are gathered, it is getting to be too much of a crowd.

I've also had a life long, on and off battle with depression. Therapy was helpful, and I tried Lexapro, but did not like it -- left me "zoned." Have used Xanax to good effect in panicky situations, on an as needed basis. Currently on Klonipin, which does seem to help reduce general/social anxiety at 1-2 mg per day, with no apparent side effects.

[lordrrr]

I agree, everyone is self involved and not looking at you. The only time that changes is when people in a clique develop a "pack" mentality. Most people are not secure enough to develop their own unique point of view.

That's a good reason why I like introversion so much. Everyone has the same reasoning and thinking. You gain pretty much nothing from discussing with them. I'd rather be alone with my more intriguing thoughts and ideas.

[Rick]

Did someone mention "valerian root'? I have a bottle of that sitting here. Valerian root is over the counter (I bought mine at Wal-Mart), and is the source of valium. Good sleeping medicine.

Social Anxiety...if I'm in charge, I have no anxiety. If it is a social function, I sit in the corner and have no interest. I don't seek out these situations. Why would I?

[iamnotspock]

So do you guys think the anxiety is about lack of control? Or about facing many individuals instead of a single passive audience?

I would like to go to more social functions b/c that is where you meet people. But I chicken out half the time.

[Cojonelso]

I'm afraid I haven't read all of the replies, so any of my suggestions may have already been volunteered.
I would say first of all put things into perspective: You are one human of billions, looking for social interaction and acceptance.
In response to the perspective brought forth, I would suggest a few things: First of all, realize that there are so many people, and being rejected by a few doesn't really have to matter, go out and find some other people who jive with you. This may be more difficult when you're younger as admittedly your ability to travel and go where you want is limited, and your potential social network is more limited to the school you're at.
Another thing, probably the most important thing, is to accept yourself, realize you can be happy by yourself (just because you might not feel this way does not mean it's true, it's called emotional reasoning) and are free to enjoy life the way you want. Some people enjoy talking with others and socializing for fun. Sometimes it's healthy (as in having fun relating to one another about our experience of the world), sometimes it's not (as in trying to validate ourselves or feel good about ourselves). I personally went through a few stages: first I worked on accepting myself, being happy with myself, essentially being in my own corner of the ring listening to what I thought first. The readings of Albert Ellis helped me here. Secondly, NOT BEING AFRAID OF REJECTION OR BEING ALONE, try to remove as much fear (if you have any) as you can. Once you can truly think about getting rejected and know it won't bother you and that you'll still accept yourself and be happy with you, you'll be able to be yourself and let others know the real you. Thirdly, I found that while I was happy, etc. I wasn't really interested in what people had to say, because I thought that I already knew what I needed to know, and what I wanted to learn more about I could simply use the internet. This is what I'm working on now...becoming more interested in others. A few things that have helped me so far: Realize that you don't know everything; simply because you think you do doesn't mean you do. We INTJ's have a tendency to do this, as is evidenced by some previous posters. For example, take the Dunning-Kruger effect (if you don't know it, wikipedia it); the point is, if you don't know enough to not be confident, how will you know the difference between that and true confidence. The wisest people are those who realize how little they really know. I would advocate not excercising arrogance. Realizing that you don't know everything will spur you to find and talk about new ways of experiencing the world. One last thought that I've been having recently regarding being interested in others is realizing how amazing our consciousness is, and that others are amazing beings who have been through a lot and have their own experiences and viewpoints to share. Once you realize how thought works in a basic sense, you'll realize that we're all just going by what makes sense to us given basic needs, some of us have poor ways of going about this given poor conclusions about life (i.e. I need others, others define me, poor justifications, etc.); I've found it becomes easier through this to relate to others.

One final thought: I often generalized all people together in life thinking I wanted to be liked by everyone. People are very different, some will like you and get along well with you, others won't. Realize that trying to be liked and have great conversations with everyone will be very hard. This type of thinking should also give rise to the "if they like me, they do, if they don't, oh well" attitude that encourages us to be true to our own thought.

[AgentofGaming]

This week I found some confidence dealing with unfamiliar & familiar people.
I was able to successfully communicate with my dad's co-worker without fear and able to relate to my mom much more than I would have expected (we weren't so different after all, I just never tried to find out).

All along the problem was me:
I was thinking too much about what they thought of me instead of what I should be saying to them.
I made something as simple as conversation more complex than it had to be with scenarios of failure and backup plans.
There's not that much to a stranger, a person is a person. It does not matter about their authority/age/status/rank, there is no reason to treat them as anything other than my equal. It's not like I'm naturally impolite.
Hello was never as hard as I thought it would be.
I remember bad social moves far longer than the other person, they'll forget in a day or so I almost never forget.

So now I kind of feel I was stupid the whole time with a completely irrational fear. It was myself the whole time.
Deal with people you have to deal with, it'll be fine, don't think too much of it.
Expect failure. It's okay, you can only be disappointed if you march into everything with expectations of 100% success.

[iamnotspock]

Another simple point: Make sure to put yourself forward into a group. I notice if I do not make myself participate, the ice builds up. But if you step forward at the start, it's alright.

[Slaytanic]

Drugs is a short cut when it comes to social anxiety. I know this cause ive done my fair share. When it comes to drugs and socializing, drugs has a tendency to make you over confident. I could (will not) give you a big list on what works and not. But i can tell you of my experiences with them. There are uppers and downers. Downers have a tendency to make you rude, even hostile and aggressive. Especially you who have a anxiety problem. Uppers make you very talkative. But when you wake up the next morning thinking about how you told a total stranger your life story, and your inner thoughts. You can end up with a panic attack. This is how they affect you even in small doses. Short time usage generally will not affect you, but sooner or later you will get dependant on them to work normally. Its around here you will increase the dosage. And your trapped in the negative spiral. The side effects usually outweigh the positive ones. Long time usage usually lead to.

-Deep depression
-Paranoia
-Low self esteem (even worse than it is now)
-Psychosis (when the voices in your head start to dominate your actions)

But heres the hard way out. May not work for all of you out there, but worked well for me. Regular excersise. Lifting weights or martial arts is recomended. Because after awhile (may even take years) they wiill boost your self esteem a great deal. Remeber the jocks in school so uber cool and full of themselves. Theres a reason. Training starts some processes in your brain as you progress. You get a feeling of mastery, and your physical shape/looks betters. It takes alot of energy and will to get started, but if you been training reguarly for aprox. 6 months. It would be hell to go through a week without it. Look around for a place where you enjoy being, with a good and helpful environment. I used to be very timid and shy myself, but when you benchpress 240 ibs, run 3 miles in 20 min. And break bricks with your forehead. Your actually not that afraid of being confronted anymore. When people diss you or laugh at you, you just shrug it off and laugh at them. Because you can out brain them, and out brawn them (theres that arrogance again).

[colmdubh]

the big thing to remember is that most people (unlike NT's) don't really care what you say as long as you make them feel good or agree generally with what they say, that's what builds relationships in their minds...I feel generally like i'm following an unwritten protocol most of the time as have other INTJ's I know...it helps alot as hard as it may be to focus on the person and ask questions to get to know them rather than worrying about what to say...I also try and ask questions like "So how's work?" or "Going to be cold tommorrow" or "Have any hobbies?" general things people say...

Also, alcohol in moderation is ok but for all social situations is just an easy way out, I used to be depressed and drink alot to cope...drinking heavy just leads to more depression, regular excercise is a good idea, maybe try joining a chess club