An INTJ married to an ESFJ, and loving it!

[Riverratt]

LOL, Some of y'all, are going to get a kick out of this..


I have been married to an wonderful ESFJ woman for about 12 years now, I dated her for about 4 years before we got married.


I still am not certain how we became so close, being so different, and she told me, I swept her off her feet, when I let her “the raging extrovert” into my “solitary” world. Where she was used to going out to parties and such with tons of people, when I took her out, we went to very solitary and “exotic” locations if you will, like a high mountain peaks to watch the stars, or a sandy riverbank for a picnic. Or perhaps a nice ride to a out of the way, destination.


She loved my self confidence, and fearlessness. I loved her “cheerfulness” and her “strength of will”


I swept her off her feet without even knowing what I was doing.....


We are like oil and water in so many ways, but let me tell you, where we, have found amazing value in our differences.


First off, I would like to point out, we are extremely close, and we have a exceptionally good relationship, we rarely have arguments, and when we do, they tend to be very mild.


Let me tell you what I think the advantages of such a pairing IS..(INTJ with ESFJ)


First off, (and this cannot be overstated) she runs the “emotional flak guns" for me, even in regards to my own family. She deals with ALL, the “chit chat” phone calls, she handles ALL, the small talk, She even kisses the skinned knees and such on our children. Takes care of all the birthdays, and other such “important days” She is a rock, in this regard.


And in return, I deal with salesmen, phone solicitors, family members, etc etc In short, if you want to apply any sort of pressure to get “my wife” to do anything, you must deal with ME, and your emotional arguments mean NOTHING....... She refers to me as her “secretary” I actually ENJOY it when people call wanting contributions for this and that, or wanting to sale us something. They usually end up hanging up, and I end up calling them back to ask them WHY, they hung up??? LOL


She is a splash of color in my otherwise Grey life, When we MUST, “do” social functions like thanksgiving, or Christmas at our house, She lets me sit quietly in my corner, or work the kitchen, while she steals the stage, and entertains the guests. :thumbsup:


On more than one occasion, her spontaneity, has turned into great time, for both of us, small vacation trips, weekends at a cabin...etc...etc... Things I would have never done.


She keeps me LOLing as well, her actions, without thinking of the consequences are predictably hilarious (abit sometimes extremely expensive) :scared:


Yes, there is some pain, my biggest complaint being that she acts impulsively at times, without thought one to the effects of her actions, and when I tell her that she is in the process of screwing up, she has been known to get belligerent, and go ahead and do it.....


Leaving me to utter, those words that make her the maddest of all.......the infamous...


I TOLD YOU SO, why are you surprised, that “B” happened, when you did “A”? :thinking:


She happens to be cute when she is mad. We both feel a extreme sense of responsibility to our children and each other. There is NO, differences of opinion their. I love the fact that when she is crossed, she can be shockingly blunt, like me! When we are both angered and have a common cause. WATCH OUT. :stunned: :stunned:


She has learned to embrace (this took years) my tendencies, especially my deep introverted tendencies, but she understands my needs and I understand hers. In most ways, where I am weak, she is strong, and where she is weak, I excel.


We have learned how to fit the pieces together, so that we complement each other. And It is wonderful. But the first 4 years where a total hell, I still don't know why we ended up happily married, but we did. ;D

[Fissiongrid]

I find this thread extremely insightful yet ironic. Today I broke up with my ESFJ girlfriend. We had been going out for 8 months. I was the one who instigated it the most, since she got way too clingy and overprotective with me. I have another girl who's a friend of mine and every single time I talk to her my (ex) gf used to flip out. I think I'm going to try for the more IN?J in my next relationship.

[INTJoe]

You're a better man than I. I can only take ESFJ's in about 10 minute increments. Congrats on your success!

[Ian]

Yep - recognise this kind of symbiosis.

INTJ male (me) married to an ESTP for 16 years, also lived together for 4 years before that. You just have to train amd condition them properly (but don't tell her I said so!!)

[Paul V]

My best friend is an ESFJ...

We usually disagree on almost everything, but together, we can take on the world.

[Henry]

My girlfriend is an ESFJ. Just over 2 years. It works on a lot of levels, although disputes can arise between my need for independence and her need for interconnectedness.

[Meyer]

My ex wife was an esfj. Unfortunately for us we realized too late what our differences were and how to make them work in a marriage. In fact it wasn't until after the divorce that we discovered mbti. Until then I ignorantly assumed most people function in the same way. When I stumbled upon a study that showed potential pitfalls of NT and SJ relationships it was like reading a bio of our past. She is still one of my closest friends and I have no doubt that, if the desire was there, we would be able to make it work with the knowledge we now have. While I enjoy the deep mental connections with the intuitives I have dated since her, I must say I miss her practicality and strength.

[mielikki]

My other half is an ESFJ male, and it has been and - continues to be - a struggle.
I think it could work, if there was was respect and understanding on both sides. Part of the problem is what one would see as the "role-reversal"; he being the emotional, and I being the rational. And being a 60+ Finnish man, he is not willing to accept that I do not meekly follow.

His counselor shoves the MBTI profiles at him regularly, but he doesn't seem to want to take that into consideration. There is some beauty in this pairing really. He can take some of the pesky social and emotional things off my hands, and/or drag me through it. And I can take care of the more prosaic and rational decisions. This is the part that he is unwilling to back off on. He does not believe in debate or rational argument. It's always a "fight". I can't figure that one out at all. How the hell are you supposed to exchange ideas? If I question his suggestions, or suggest another track, it is a huge insult. And since he seems to be unable of any kind of rational thought, it does tax my resources trying to slide any kind of information through. And I have a LOT of trouble with the propensity to lie, or say what they think you want to hear to smooth things over

On the up side, his life experience has left him respectful of my independence, and he is not a jealous man. We have been together over 10 years, and will probably struggle on. I value what he brings to the table; he may yet learn to value what I bring. I have learned valuable lessons from this pairing, such as diplomacy, compassion and patience. I still have to work on stowing the sarcasm :-)

[Intrawebs]

She is a splash of color in my otherwise Grey life, When we MUST, “do” social functions like thanksgiving, or Christmas at our house, She lets me sit quietly in my corner, or work the kitchen, while she steals the stage, and entertains the guests. :thumbsup:


You aren't the only one, my wife is an ESFJ as well. However, as she is getting older and we now have two kids the strength of E is droping, but, will never go away.

And to the person who said "I can only take ESFJ's in 10 minute increments" is spot on, with the exception of my wife of course. I dont know how we made it through the first few years, probably my open mindedness pushed me, but we compliment each other very well. She's a great mom to our kids and a great friend to many.......ironically she hates social websites (facebook, myspace). Oh, and, shes British.............WOOT, thank god, or someone, for BBC America.

[deicruxified]

my mom is esfj... i do admit she pisses me off a lot of times in a lot of petty stuff (i.e. doing stuff for me as if i'm a 4-year-old kid) but if she senses that i got a big problem like the time i broke up with my bf, she never stopped comforting me - she bought me a guitar, brought me to a lot of places... tourist destinations which we oth haven't seen before, took me out for movies (she even took me and my sister our for a movie marathon - we watched from opening 'til closing which i find really exhausting). although she sensed that i don't want to talk about such heartbreaking thing (because most of the time she insists but she finds this one too heavy for me) she exhausted all her energy to make me forget even to the extent of calling my bf and giving him a piece of her mind.

i also got a friend who is an intj-esfj borderliner (i-1 n-22 t-1 j-59) and we seem to get along. last friday i went over to his house to pick up some of my stuff. i had to go after 30 mins but then he chatted and chatted and i was only staring at their living room clock. i left their house at 2pm because i cut the conversation. i was there 10am so i was pissed off because he destroyed my schedule. but the conversation was sensical. i'd be more pissed off if otherwise.

contrary to mielikki's post, although the int may be of some influence, he seems too dependent when it comes to decision making to the extent of making me decide whether he's going to go for a vacation in virginia or just stay here in our country for summer. in my mind i was thinking, "can you not think for yourself?". probably the reason behind is because we intj's, when making decisions, often present all sides of the situation then narrow down everything to what's more essential, advantageous or (sometimes) lesser evil. i just noticed that everytime i make my "reports" when i tell my own stories about my escapades, he often nods. so there... the dependency... with him it's always me presenting the decision for him... spoonfeeding actually that my dad thought that he is my bf.

[Riverratt]

However, as she is getting older and we now have two kids the strength of E is droping, but, will never go away.



I have noticed that in my wife as well, when we started dating, she was a "big time" E. Now she definitely has a "few" introverted tendencies, but that is it. But only a few. But it does not take much to bring the "Big E' out.

She says, I have rubbed off on her.

Besides Virginia is not so bad, I live here....in the western part of the state, in the Blue Ridge Mountains.;D

[Rei]

Interesting.
Perhaps you are both a little borderline on your preferences.
Because if they were more extreme I'm pretty sure it would be a bit more trouble.
My sister is an ESFJ, and I can't stand her lack of reason/domineering tendencies. You may think it's just because she is an older sibling, but she's like that to her fiance too... I don't know how he stands her :blank:

On the other hand, I do admit that on her good days, she makes things very cheerful and her acceptance of my criticisms on her stupidity is entertaining.

[mielikki]

contrary to mielikki's post, although the int may be of some influence, he seems too dependent when it comes to decision making to the extent of making me decide whether he's going to go for a vacation in virginia or just stay here in our country for summer. in my mind i was thinking, "can you not think for yourself?".


Okay, you brought up a really good point.
I experience that also, and it really drives me nuts. He can't seem to make the small decisions....like I should know or care what colour socks he should wear, or what he should be thinking??

[Intrawebs]

Okay, you brought up a really good point.
I experience that also, and it really drives me nuts. He can't seem to make the small decisions....like I should know or care what colour socks he should wear, or what he should be thinking??

Usually when people go down this road they just want to hear themselves talk or engage in conversation with others as a form of entertainment or to pass time. One thing I've learned from my wife is that it's not that she doesnt like or care about intelligent conversation....it's just more work to her and would rather "veg out" so to speak and relax a bit more. To them small talk it's like watching TV is to couch potatoes.

[Rei]

Usually when people go down this road they just want to hear themselves talk or engage in conversation with others as a form of entertainment or to pass time. One thing I've learned from my wife is that it's not that she doesnt like or care about intelligent conversation....it's just more work to her and would rather "veg out" so to speak and relax a bit more. To them small talk it's like watching TV is to couch potatoes.

I think the difference is that ITJ's don't usually 'veg out' on things that aren't productive. Introversion requires me to be away from people when I "veg out"... unless they're "vegging out" in a similarly introverted way. (My "veg out" activities include reading, drawing, watching documentaries etc.)

As a result, I don't think it's entirely because I need conversation to be intellegent. It's just that if nothing is coming out of it, I'd rather not interact with other people.

[Rick]

Strange seeing this thread. If I had to guess, my first girlfriend (25 years ago) was an ESFJ. First girl I ever fell hard for. What I remember most, other than her cuteness, was that she could see right through me (as in, what walls?).

[Intrawebs]

As a result, I don't think it's entirely because I need conversation to be intellegent. It's just that if nothing is coming out of it, I'd rather not interact with other people.

Dont get me wrong, I'm exactly the same. Just chiming in with my 11 years of daily experience with an ESFJ is all.

[danalaina]

Okay, you brought up a really good point.
I experience that also, and it really drives me nuts. He can't seem to make the small decisions....like I should know or care what colour socks he should wear, or what he should be thinking??

i've never had my husband typed (though i will soon, for sure), but he's much more social and friendly than i am. he also hates making these small decisions. when i ask him to bring home something for dinner, it's a ten minute discussion if i express no preference. he could choose which place to go to by the astrological sign of the owner, for all i care, but still he dithers.

and don't even get me started on what it's like when i send him to pick up a small list of things from the grocery store. i've never hated cell phones more than at that time. i've grown to hate my ringtone.


*ring*
me: "hello? yes, it's the canned peaches i want. i need them for something i'm making later. okay, i love you, too. thanks, hon. bye."

a minute later:
*ring*
me: "hello? canned pineapple? can't hurt, i guess. go ahead pick up some of the pineapple as well. okay, bye, hon."

a minute later:
*ring*
me: [slightly exasperated] "hello? no, i don't care what brand. whatever is on sale, i guess. alright. bye."

a minute later:
*ring*
me: [more annoyed] "hello? what difference does it make how the canned pineapple is cut? i don't need it. it's extra pineapple for the pantry. no, i don't care. bye."

a minute later:
*ring*
me: [utter disbelief at this point] "what? no, i don't care what size can you buy. bye."

a minute later:
*ring*
me: [fuming] "WHAT?! what the f*** do you mean they're out of pineapple? you mean to tell me this whole pineapple debacle was just something that occured to you while you were picking up other things?! don't. call. again. *click*

ten minutes later:
*husband walks in from the store*
me: "YOU FORGOT THE PEACHES?!"


/faint

[Rei]

Dont get me wrong, I'm exactly the same. Just chiming in with my 11 years of daily experience with an ESFJ is all.

My sister's an ESFJ.
I could get some good conversation out of her...
Until her F becomes overwhelming and an argument results from her, and my own stubborn refusal to agree on something or other. :blank:

to danalaina:
I think that refers to many men when you try to get them to do something they're not used to doing. My mother complains about the same thing. If she's getting home late from the office, and she asks him to get something ready for dinner he calls her 5 times in an hour about minor details. In fact, he can't do any chores efficiently unless my mother is watching over him. :blank:

[mielikki]

and don't even get me started on what it's like when i send him to pick up a small list of things from the grocery store. i've never hated cell phones more than at that time. i've grown to hate my ringtone.



Ah, me too. Today I set out with a shopping list that he wrote:
Grated cheese
Bagels
Milk
Birthday cake

me: Is this all we need?
him: Yes
me: Are you sure?
him: Yes
me: Absolutely, positively sure? (I've been down this road before)
him: (snottily) YES. Do you think I'm stupid? I understood you the first time.

1/2 block from home, the cell phone rings...

him: Did you remember the dog biscuits?