INFP - gender reverse?

[Gabrielle]

I was perusing through the INFP equivalent of this forum and found out that INFP female/INTJ male works out VERY well. And of course it does - INFP's are pleasers, and INTJ's are often said to be the alpha-male persona, with the confidence, the curious mind, e.t.c. But all I was seeing was INFP as a female. So this brings out the question:

Will the reverse work?

INFP male/INTJ female. The pleaser male and the un-pleasable female? Does this actually happen? Has it happened?

[Sinequanon]

INTJ females seem to express a preference for other INTJs, not overwhelmingly, mind you.

I think maybe it has someting to do with the embodiment of feminine traits within the INFP that is attractive specifically in females... a bit of socialization/cultural bias, perhaps, but still extant. INFP females are independent, intuitive (in the A-to-B-to-Z sort of women's intuition sense), flighty, introspective, deep, unpredictable and passionate. I think they make wonderful counterparts to the cold, rational nature of an INTJ male. (This is me speaking from some experience... INFP women are the only kind I'm really ever attracted to. :))

INTJ women might be more apt to see such a man as being weak, at least outwardly, and then might not pursue based on that. INFP men may not be attracted to the cold, rational qualities of an INTJ woman, just because they are so atypical. INTJ-INTJ relationships at least provide a dimension of understanding, and don't place any unnecessary burdens on the INTJ female to assume some false role: I've found as much as INFPs are independent, they still have an ear to societal norms and may feel pressure to conform, or at least feel their relationship should conform; an INFP male may attempt to wear a T mask because he thinks he "should", or may judge the NT female for not being more F, eventually (I've found that INFPs can be extremely judgmental, in a sort of passive-aggressive way, as well).

Of course, just about any relationship can work if everyone in it is willing to pitch in and do their part, but those are some of the issues that pop out at me in the abstract.

[Frag]

Seriously, there is no magical force field preventing any type from having a successful (for any definition thereof) relationship with any other.

[mayumi]

I've been in such atypical pairing (INTJ female w INFP male). I would never have even noticed this INFP guy, and he would never have had a chance, if circumstance didn't put us together.

(I had to tutor him in English, since he was learning it as a second language).

The dynamics in my experience is like this: INFP does most of the emotional and relationship stuff and INTJ contributes very little except for the occasional critisism. But INFP eventually wins over INTJ, with purity and persistence (then sex because they're not THAT pure), then befor she even knows it, INTJ is sucked into INFP's Fi dominated world. She finds she has an Fi afterall, and discovers much potential for growth.

The relationship is maintained, mostly by the irresistable INFP warmth (and sexual compatibility).

An example would be, and this was when we were not even together yet: We were going to meet but then it rained. I hadn't reached our meeting place yet, then I get a text that tells me to wait where I am and find some shade, so he can fetch me with an umbrella.

You can't get that kind of thoughfulness from most men.

[Sinequanon]

An example would be, and this was when we were not even together yet: We were going to meet but then it rained. I hadn't reached our meeting place yet, then I get a text that tells me to wait where I am and find some shade, so he can fetch me with an umbrella.

You can't get that kind of thoughfulness from most men.

Allow me to connect the dots for you here. ;)

(Okay I'm done being cynical, carry on!)

[curiousjane]

Seriously, there is no magical force field preventing any type from having a successful (for any definition thereof) relationship with any other.
Well put, Frag!

I think sometimes we become so enthralled with our type distinctions (we are, after all, members of a forum devoted to talk about type) that we forget that we're just human and have a whole realm of experiences that form us as a person beyond just our cognitive functions. And that even the so-called cognitive functions have their limitations or can be overcome by willpower.

Personally, however, I think that an understanding and committed INFP/INTJ relationship would work well because we're both kinda avante garde and don't care, and where many INTJs are mysteriously confident, many INFPs are mysteriously intuitive and relationally-oriented, so a bold and persistent one would be drawn to the INTJs confidence and refusal to follow the status quo (my pet peeve) and snuggle through the resistence until he/she came to the heart and took up residence. We like to know people, who they truly are, down in their heart of hearts. And once we've found a person we're interested in, we have an uncanny way of understanding them. And I've found that a lot of INTJs have expressed the desire to be understood. So that works out well for you guys!

I would tend to agree with Sinequanon that a female INFP/male INTJ pairing makes more sociological sense. (At the same time I thank him a thousand times over for recognizing how independent our type is! I so often hear us described as clingy or needy when it is really just we're so used to being the independent one that we're amazed to find another soul who echoes that need.)

A well-rounded male INFP (say, Udog! I really like Udog!) has the extra benefit of being warm and intelligent and understanding and intuitive and thoughtful (as mayumi mentioned). So why wouldn't a female INTJ be attracted to this if she was looking for such a counterpart? The only drawback is that women, regardless of type, are drawn to confidence in a man. Not cockiness. Not arrogance. But true confidence. And I have found in myself a faltering confidence. I have to work on this constantly. It is a battle. If this is true for INFP males, as well, then ... perhaps they will be initially overlooked by a stronger-willed female.

However, there are downfalls to this pairing. INFPs ... yeah ... we always want more. Sorry, folks, but it's true. Part of our inquisitive and sharing nature desires increased intimacy and sharing and attentiveness and recognition. Taken too far, this can lead to obsession. But the healthier manifestation is simply that we care. A lot. And we always will. We need our partners to not only accept, but cherish that aspect of who we are, and who can reciprocate to a certain extent. As for INTJs, well, I've found that no matter the gender, INTJ type behavior frequently is so independent and thought-driven that he/she cannot see past the ideas or concepts that are being processed internally to notice that others around them need a more personal approach, and so they seem colder and less patient with people around them.

Basically, my point is, you just have to work at making a relationship work. No matter your type. But, utilizing an understanding of type dynamics (what makes your partner tick) is useful for opening lines of communication and improving upon the relationship on a continual basis.

[Sinequanon]

I would tend to agree with Sinequanon that a female INFP/male INTJ pairing makes more sociological sense. (At the same time I thank him a thousand times over for recognizing how independent our type is! I so often hear us described as clingy or needy when it is really just we're so used to being the independent one that we're amazed to find another soul who echoes that need.)
I haven't seen neediness or clinginess from my INFP, but then I'm sort of the hunter in the situation. :)

But independent? Lord yes. I think INTJs don't tend to see or respect independence that also carries a sort of social obligation... our independence can be completely isolated from any sense of culture or society. Rather, INFPs seem to have this conflict between being independent and also being obligated to initiate some positive change (whatever they would define positive as being). It's interesting.

[Nikita]

Though not an INTJ, some would likely say that I'm a difficult female to get close to since I tend to keep people at a distance and can be exceedingly critical of those I consider letting into my heart, but my most successful friendship has been with an INFP. He did acknowledge that it was frustrating trying to get through my "walls," especially since he'd be through and then something would happen to make them go flying back up again. He is possibly the most patient person I've ever known and the one who has come closest to understanding me. I think INFPs have a knack for working through your crap and seeing your heart and soul.

[Monte314]

I am an INTJ, and my wife is an INFP. We are perfect for each other. I don't know how well it would work if our personalities were swapped... I just can't imagine that.

[ElstonGunn]

INFP male/INTJ female. The pleaser male and the un-pleasable female? Does this actually happen? Has it happened?

No. Never in the history of mankind has that happened. And that's important because MTBI theory is an ironclad and infallible fact that you should base your whole life around.

[Monte314]

Elston Gunn is right. A couple tried it once; that's where the asteroid belt came from.

[PHS Philip]

I think the premise here is flawed. NT females don't really tend to be more extreme NTs as far as I can tell, it's just that because they're female it's noticed more if they are. At least anecdotally I would say that if anything INTJ females tend toward having slightly more balanced functions. I don't know about male INFPs as much, so I can't really say much about that side of it.

[Frag]

Basically, my point is, you just have to work at making a relationship work. No matter your type. But, utilizing an understanding of type dynamics (what makes your partner tick) is useful for opening lines of communication and improving upon the relationship on a continual basis.
This. QFT.

[le Duc]

I have a sister who is INTJ and brother who is INFP. Obviously, this is a brother-sister relationship with a different dynamic, but they get along fine together. She takes the lead, he helps her, and they make a good team when they're doing something together. I see no reason why the same gender-personality combination couldn't work in other relationships.

[zibber]

I don't see what gender has to do with it.

What about an mtf INFP and an ftm INTJ? An INTJ eunuch (well.. ;)) and an INFP crossdresser?


Basically, my point is, you just have to work at making a relationship work. No matter your type. But, utilizing an understanding of type dynamics (what makes your partner tick) is useful for opening lines of communication and improving upon the relationship on a continual basis.

This is true of course, but I'm not sure where the opposite was claimed. Compatibility predictors like the group of pages on Socionics only indicate how smoothly a relationship might be expected to function. Fatigue, after all, isn't the most relaxing thing on Earth.

[invicta]

My relationship with my INFP boyfriend is more fulfilling than any prior relationship I've had. I love my time with him, and I love him. This is an ideal match for me.

I know there are a lot of posts on this forum about ENFP/INTJ pairings, but for me, I know I am most compatible with another introvert. I just don't have the energy to give an extrovert the conversation and social interaction that he needs.

INTJ women might be more apt to see such a man as being weak, at least outwardly, and then might not pursue based on that. INFP men may not be attracted to the cold, rational qualities of an INTJ woman, just because they are so atypical. INTJ-INTJ relationships at least provide a dimension of understanding, and don't place any unnecessary burdens on the INTJ female to assume some false role: I've found as much as INFPs are independent, they still have an ear to societal norms and may feel pressure to conform, or at least feel their relationship should conform; an INFP male may attempt to wear a T mask because he thinks he "should", or may judge the NT female for not being more F, eventually (I've found that INFPs can be extremely judgmental, in a sort of passive-aggressive way, as well).

While I am fairly sure I am a woman, I don't have any interest in rigid, thoughtless, egotistical types, and I don't think that these qualities = confidence or strength, they just = pain in the ass. I like INFPs! :) I guess I'd say I prefer emotional strength to posturing or bravado. It's got to be hard to be a man with an F preference.

[JadedA]

I have a sister who is INTJ and brother who is INFP. Obviously, this is a brother-sister relationship with a different dynamic, but they get along fine together. She takes the lead, he helps her, and they make a good team when they're doing something together. I see no reason why the same gender-personality combination couldn't work in other relationships.

I've noticed a similar kind of relationship with a co-worker of mine, who's an INTJ. He leads, I help, I don't get frustrated with him at all, and he gets the second pair of hands to help him with the job. Though all we do is work with furniture, he's got a great mind for it. He'll often be the one to hang back until someone else makes a mistake, then he'll get in, fix the problem, and be done with it. He's also quite appreciative of it.





JadedA added to this post, 11 minutes and 59 seconds later...

Though not an INTJ, some would likely say that I'm a difficult female to get close to since I tend to keep people at a distance and can be exceedingly critical of those I consider letting into my heart, but my most successful friendship has been with an INFP. He did acknowledge that it was frustrating trying to get through my "walls," especially since he'd be through and then something would happen to make them go flying back up again. He is possibly the most patient person I've ever known and the one who has come closest to understanding me. I think INFPs have a knack for working through your crap and seeing your heart and soul.

That's very good of you to appreciate this. This is as I hope to appear to the INTJ in my current friendship. It's good to recognize that patience. For me, I'm happy to help. I don't think we INFP's mind at all, if we truly care. I've definitely recognized the walls, and I do see them fly up, but it never frustrates me... ever. It may sound corny, but I really care about this person too much to let the boundaries that even they set up to stop me from caring. And I know "heart and soul" are words not often used to describe INTJ's, but we know it's there alright.

I make a serious mistake of trying to plant seeds once the garden's open though, if you take my meaning. I try to establish too close of a bond, I think, when this INTJ does open up, and I end up setting off the alarms again. I can only hope I'm not somewhat despised for this. I try to tone down my interaction with this person, but then it only leaves me in the dust for very long periods of time.





JadedA added to this post, 7 minutes and 17 seconds later...

Well put, Frag!

I think sometimes we become so enthralled with our type distinctions (we are, after all, members of a forum devoted to talk about type) that we forget that we're just human and have a whole realm of experiences that form us as a person beyond just our cognitive functions. And that even the so-called cognitive functions have their limitations or can be overcome by willpower.

Personally, however, I think that an understanding and committed INFP/INTJ relationship would work well because we're both kinda avante garde and don't care, and where many INTJs are mysteriously confident, many INFPs are mysteriously intuitive and relationally-oriented, so a bold and persistent one would be drawn to the INTJs confidence and refusal to follow the status quo (my pet peeve) and snuggle through the resistence until he/she came to the heart and took up residence. We like to know people, who they truly are, down in their heart of hearts. And once we've found a person we're interested in, we have an uncanny way of understanding them. And I've found that a lot of INTJs have expressed the desire to be understood. So that works out well for you guys!

I would tend to agree with Sinequanon that a female INFP/male INTJ pairing makes more sociological sense. (At the same time I thank him a thousand times over for recognizing how independent our type is! I so often hear us described as clingy or needy when it is really just we're so used to being the independent one that we're amazed to find another soul who echoes that need.)

A well-rounded male INFP (say, Udog! I really like Udog!) has the extra benefit of being warm and intelligent and understanding and intuitive and thoughtful (as mayumi mentioned). So why wouldn't a female INTJ be attracted to this if she was looking for such a counterpart? The only drawback is that women, regardless of type, are drawn to confidence in a man. Not cockiness. Not arrogance. But true confidence. And I have found in myself a faltering confidence. I have to work on this constantly. It is a battle. If this is true for INFP males, as well, then ... perhaps they will be initially overlooked by a stronger-willed female.

However, there are downfalls to this pairing. INFPs ... yeah ... we always want more. Sorry, folks, but it's true. Part of our inquisitive and sharing nature desires increased intimacy and sharing and attentiveness and recognition. Taken too far, this can lead to obsession. But the healthier manifestation is simply that we care. A lot. And we always will. We need our partners to not only accept, but cherish that aspect of who we are, and who can reciprocate to a certain extent. As for INTJs, well, I've found that no matter the gender, INTJ type behavior frequently is so independent and thought-driven that he/she cannot see past the ideas or concepts that are being processed internally to notice that others around them need a more personal approach, and so they seem colder and less patient with people around them.

Basically, my point is, you just have to work at making a relationship work. No matter your type. But, utilizing an understanding of type dynamics (what makes your partner tick) is useful for opening lines of communication and improving upon the relationship on a continual basis.




Thank you. These posts give me hope. :)





JadedA added to this post, 3 minutes and 32 seconds later...

My relationship with my INFP boyfriend is more fulfilling than any prior relationship I've had. I love my time with him, and I love him. This is an ideal match for me.

I know there are a lot of posts on this forum about ENFP/INTJ pairings, but for me, I know I am most compatible with another introvert. I just don't have the energy to give an extrovert the conversation and social interaction that he needs.



While I am fairly sure I am a woman, I don't have any interest in rigid, thoughtless, egotistical types, and I don't think that these qualities = confidence or strength, they just = pain in the ass. I like INFPs! :) I guess I'd say I prefer emotional strength to posturing or bravado. It's got to be hard to be a man with an F preference.

;) It is very difficult being a male F, in my experience. And what some don't realize, is that all our emotional battering and bantering can actually create a strong emotional endurance in us, which IMO is why we can actually deal with so many things that just frustrate others to the point of dismissal.





JadedA added to this post, 3 minutes and 48 seconds later...

Well put, Frag!

I think sometimes we become so enthralled with our type distinctions (we are, after all, members of a forum devoted to talk about type) that we forget that we're just human and have a whole realm of experiences that form us as a person beyond just our cognitive functions. And that even the so-called cognitive functions have their limitations or can be overcome by willpower.

Personally, however, I think that an understanding and committed INFP/INTJ relationship would work well because we're both kinda avante garde and don't care, and where many INTJs are mysteriously confident, many INFPs are mysteriously intuitive and relationally-oriented, so a bold and persistent one would be drawn to the INTJs confidence and refusal to follow the status quo (my pet peeve) and snuggle through the resistence until he/she came to the heart and took up residence. We like to know people, who they truly are, down in their heart of hearts. And once we've found a person we're interested in, we have an uncanny way of understanding them. And I've found that a lot of INTJs have expressed the desire to be understood. So that works out well for you guys!

I would tend to agree with Sinequanon that a female INFP/male INTJ pairing makes more sociological sense. (At the same time I thank him a thousand times over for recognizing how independent our type is! I so often hear us described as clingy or needy when it is really just we're so used to being the independent one that we're amazed to find another soul who echoes that need.)

A well-rounded male INFP (say, Udog! I really like Udog!) has the extra benefit of being warm and intelligent and understanding and intuitive and thoughtful (as mayumi mentioned). So why wouldn't a female INTJ be attracted to this if she was looking for such a counterpart? The only drawback is that women, regardless of type, are drawn to confidence in a man. Not cockiness. Not arrogance. But true confidence. And I have found in myself a faltering confidence. I have to work on this constantly. It is a battle. If this is true for INFP males, as well, then ... perhaps they will be initially overlooked by a stronger-willed female.

However, there are downfalls to this pairing. INFPs ... yeah ... we always want more. Sorry, folks, but it's true. Part of our inquisitive and sharing nature desires increased intimacy and sharing and attentiveness and recognition. Taken too far, this can lead to obsession. But the healthier manifestation is simply that we care. A lot. And we always will. We need our partners to not only accept, but cherish that aspect of who we are, and who can reciprocate to a certain extent. As for INTJs, well, I've found that no matter the gender, INTJ type behavior frequently is so independent and thought-driven that he/she cannot see past the ideas or concepts that are being processed internally to notice that others around them need a more personal approach, and so they seem colder and less patient with people around them.

Basically, my point is, you just have to work at making a relationship work. No matter your type. But, utilizing an understanding of type dynamics (what makes your partner tick) is useful for opening lines of communication and improving upon the relationship on a continual basis.

I've been roaming both the INFP and INTJ forum for a while now, particularly interested in the compatibility of the INFP-INTJ relationship, and I must say... you're my hero. :speechless: