Flirting -- While in a Relationship

[viru]

What's everybody's opinion on flirting while in a relationship?

Like flirting with your partner, do you do it? If so, how?

Also, flirting with other people, just for fun. Does it bother you if your partner does and what are the "lines"?

I would like to be a little bit more "charming" and "flirty" with my partner, be able to make her blush...etc. Or entertain her in a flirty way.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it or not because it's become a part of my personality, I can make other girls blush or fumble with their words. But that's from a lot of trail and error and eventually it was internalized. Since I've been in a relationship for so long, I've kind of lost my touch.

Also do you think it's possible that after a while your effect on your significant other in terms of flirting won't work anymore? Because they know you so well that it's no longer interesting for them?

Edit: One more thing; how open are you with your SO? Would you tell them about someone hitting on you....etc.?

[Moondyn]

do you think it's possible that after a while your effect on your significant other in terms of flirting won't work anymore? Because they know you so well that it's no longer interesting for them?

Edit: One more thing; how open are you with your SO? Would you tell them about someone hitting on you....etc.?

My opinion on the charm not working in a longterm relationship, is that it really depends on the two specific individuals rather than all relationships losing their spark after a while.


O and I would tell him if someone hit on me (unless I was intrested in that someone ;))

[Synamon]

What's everybody's opinion on flirting while in a relationship?

Like flirting with your partner, do you do it? If so, how?
Flirting is fun. I still flirt with my husband, mostly in a teasing sort of way. Oh and cleavage, he likes that.

Also, flirting with other people, just for fun. Does it bother you if your partner does and what are the "lines"?
Yup, I flirt all the time with other people for fun and it doesn't bother me if he does as well. I make sure that the other person knows that it's not going anywhere. I enjoy the witty banter of flirting.

Also do you think it's possible that after a while your effect on your significant other in terms of flirting won't work anymore? Because they know you so well that it's no longer interesting for them?
I think once you know someone well the flirting changes. The banter and innuendo you do when getting to know someone won't work anymore, so my flirting with my husband is more teasing and less subtle.

Edit: One more thing; how open are you with your SO? Would you tell them about someone hitting on you....etc.?
My husband is aware that I flirt with people. I'd only mention being hit on if it was some kind of creepy situation that I couldn't handle myself.

[rahdam]

What's everybody's opinion on flirting while in a relationship?

Like flirting with your partner, do you do it? If so, how?

Also, flirting with other people, just for fun. Does it bother you if your partner does and what are the "lines"?

I would like to be a little bit more "charming" and "flirty" with my partner, be able to make her blush...etc. Or entertain her in a flirty way.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it or not because it's become a part of my personality, I can make other girls blush or fumble with their words. But that's from a lot of trail and error and eventually it was internalized. Since I've been in a relationship for so long, I've kind of lost my touch.

Also do you think it's possible that after a while your effect on your significant other in terms of flirting won't work anymore? Because they know you so well that it's no longer interesting for them?

Edit: One more thing; how open are you with your SO? Would you tell them about someone hitting on you....etc.?

Yes, I flirt with my partner intensely by teasing them through parody. I also LOVE wrestling playfully with girlfriends, so the flirting takes on a physical dimension as well.

I don't flirt with anyone else while in a relationship, I tend to direct all of my energy at my significant other. Flirting by my significant other does bother me, and I wish like hell that it didn't.

My longest relationship lasted two years, and I had no problem flirting with my ex throughout the relationship.

[curiousjane]

Flirting is vital, I think, to keep the spark fresh. But then, my way of flirting is more to make little teasing jokes, brief physical contact, eye contact, secret smiles.

Though I've not been in any long-term relationships, so I can't say how I operate in one. But I'd be sad if the flirting stopped when the relationship began. I would want somebody who could still surprise me, still make me laugh, still make me blush a little, you know? :)

Oh, and I'd want to be able to make him laugh, too, and make his day a little brighter. For me, flirting is distinct from seduction or being "a tease". It's fun and lighthearted, in my book.

[Autoptic]

I'll just say it again partly because it's unpopular. Some people don't like flirting in the first place. It's not a necessary consequent of like or love and is not the spark.

[Gabrielle]

Erm, apparently (according to a lot of people) my normal attitude towards the opposite sex is pretty much flirtatious. Which struck me as a surprise, because when I'm internalizing (AKA getting depressed and well, quiet - the internal debate mode), I'm very quiet and I tend to melt into the background.

This flirting situation really depends on my situation and the other's. For example, my first ex was quite reserved in that sense, so if he started flirting with some other girl I'd be getting worried. But on the other hand, my second one was quite open and friendly with the girls, so it didn't bother me if he was flirty with them.

I've never hit a situation when my flirty mode got boring with the other, probably because I change my mood faster than I change my clothes - and the change can be big. I can go from a sweet girl to a punk rock girl to a studious nerd, so it kept my boyfriends guessing.

I told my boyfriends what went on with any other males (this guy hit on me, e.t.c.), because secrecy spices relationships up but I don't want it scorching (heh heh). I always felt comfortable telling my boyfriends this and that... and I'd rather have them know what's going on, instead of getting into a huge mistake and having tearful apologies.

[Autoptic]

What yall were calling the spark, appears to me, to be a novelty, which would preclude actual intimacy, at least in its domain. Where it is, the two of you are not. If you were, it would already be known, and there'd be no novelty or dancing around it.

"We're all a little weird, and life is a little weird, and, when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love."

What I meant by spark was what you liked about the actual person not some knowingly fuzzy image, the compatible weirdness. Love needn't be blind or ignorant, certainly not perpetually so. CJ asked thus this post, by the way.

[curiousjane]

I think I agree with you, actually, Autopic.

It seems to be the difference is that there is a closeness—the staying power—in that which is the "essence" of the other person that draws us to them. I would concur that there is much more than the outward and fleeting moments of intrigue/attraction that follows flirtation that would create a bond between two people.

Blind love? Certainly not. I've seen true love mirrored in the eyes of my parents, my brother and his wife, and some of my friends who are in serious relationships/are married. Trust me, it goes beyond teasing/flirting. None of these people were blind to the flaws of the other person, nor were they so infatuated that the physical was the only bond that held them together. All of these relationships were grown through quiet compatibility under the surface and mutual self-sacrifice. That doesn't keep them from laughing and enjoying each other's company during light-hearted moments.

I think maybe I'm just completely missing the mark with my "definition" of flirting, in general. I never considered myself to be particularly flirtatious (I thought flirtation was manipulative and self-serving), but others have pointed out to me that the lighthearted teasing I enjoy is defined as such. In that way, I suppose I could even be accused of flirting with my friends of the same gender!

So complicated. :p Hope I haven't confused the matter or drifted too far from the OP's original topic.

[Autoptic]

I think maybe I'm just completely missing the mark with my "definition" of flirting, in general. I never considered myself to be particularly flirtatious (I thought flirtation was manipulative and self-serving), but others have pointed out to me that the lighthearted teasing I enjoy is defined as such. In that way, I suppose I could even be accused of flirting with my friends of the same gender!

So complicated. :p Hope I haven't confused the matter or drifted too far from the OP's original topic.

I agree about the complication. By that definition, a lot of sarcasm and the like would be flirtation depending on its reception and response. In my experience, if you've been sufficiently depressed, you can do the same with darker humor and heavier subjects as well. That would less likely be called flirtation, though it can function the same as the light hearted, at least for those used to dragging more. I'd have been quite a flirt, in a number of cases, by this also, regardless of gender.

It might be useful, in understanding my experience, if I state that, this doesn't indicate compatibility, to any notable extent, and doesn't produce a connection. Trying to use it to verify compatibility would get in the way of actually doing that, and the assumption of a connection is one of the many problems with it.

[Vagrant]

I usually flirt by being playful, since I'm not great with words.

I wouldn't flirt with anybody but my significant other, and while I would expect a handle on it, I wouldn't care if she were to flirt a small amount.

[Indubitably]

It depends on how secure your girl/boyfriend is, if you want to flirt don't date needy insecure people. Personally, I'll flirt with just about everything that walks on 2 legs for nothing more than the challenge of charming people. I'm completely honest about exactly what I'm doing though, so it generally isn't a problem and the girls that I date are always just as independent as I am so it pretty much never bothers them.

[Kisai]

Me and my wife have a 24 hour flirt a thon She switches from hot to cold and back at the drop of the hat. If I give her too much attention, she'll act like she doesn't want it, then she'll act like a brat and tackle me.

We have an open marriage and we both flirt with other people in front of the other, but not too overtly. She's always curious about the people I flirt with and she always wants to know everything. I flirt in front of her mostly by just striking up a conversation or saying hello out of the blue. I'm more of an aggressive style flirter, but I like it when I don't have to pull teeth. She's more of a cute flirter, and will act cuter and cuter until she melts you.

[rahdam]

What, praytell, is an open marriage?

[Camus2u2]

It depends on how secure your girl/boyfriend is, if you want to flirt don't date needy insecure people. Personally, I'll flirt with just about everything that walks on 2 legs for nothing more than the challenge of charming people. I'm completely honest about exactly what I'm doing though, so it generally isn't a problem and the girls that I date are always just as independent as I am so it pretty much never bothers them.

This is an oversimplification of the situation, and I suspect it might be due to your age that you do not understand the implications of flirting with others in front of someone you are dating. Such behavior must be evaluated in each context and is certainly not entirely dependent on the sense of security of your SO. For example, when you are just beginning a relationship/dating, flirting with others in front of your 'date' is incredibly rude, I think. Even someone who is secure and not prone to jealousy would most likely find such behavior, off putting, to say the least. To me, it would be a major red flag that this new person is not very considerate, which is an important trait for evaluating someone new as a potential partner. After a relationship has developed, things might change and flirting with others might be acceptable, but only after a degree of trust has been established. I tend to be very flirty both in and out of relationships, but I am careful in the beginning to be respectful of someone that I am just getting to know.

[LionsPride]

Watching me flirt is like watching a train wreck. I avoid it for my own embarrassment prevention then out of moral choice.

As to flirting in front of your date, there are some gray areas. For instance I don't hold unknowing flirting against my date. Sometimes their 'friendly' is interpreted by others as flirting and later in the evening comedy ensues. I consider this an excellent form of entertainment.

I abhor people who flirt wantonly with other people and do not flirt with their own date*. The majority of the time this makes the date feel worthless and the rest of the party assume so and so is looking for other options.

*This excludes the small minority of people who don't flirt but like seeing their mate flirt with others and those odd couples who both flirt with everyone else but each other.

[Indubitably]

This is an oversimplification of the situation, and I suspect it might be due to your age that you do not understand the implications of flirting with others in front of someone you are dating. Such behavior must be evaluated in each context and is certainly not entirely dependent on the sense of security of your SO. For example, when you are just beginning a relationship/dating, flirting with others in front of your 'date' is incredibly rude, I think. Even someone who is secure and not prone to jealousy would most likely find such behavior, off putting, to say the least. To me, it would be a major red flag that this new person is not very considerate, which is an important trait for evaluating someone new as a potential partner. After a relationship has developed, things might change and flirting with others might be acceptable, but only after a degree of trust has been established. I tend to be very flirty both in and out of relationships, but I am careful in the beginning to be respectful of someone that I am just getting to know.

I would have to say that this depends a lot on what you mean by "dating" and what you mean by "flirting". I'm not talking about making out with someone in front of a girl while you are out on a date with her. I consider flirting to be nothing more than the playful acknowledgment of an individual's attractiveness. If that bothers someone to the point that they don't want be in a relationship with you, then they probably shouldn't be in any relationship at all (at least until they get to the bottom of why they can't handle something as simple a little friendly flirting). Its not about something as superficial as being considerate or proper, its about having enough respect for the person to trust that they are a strong and independent individual.

When I say dating, I mean the stage when there is a romantic or physical element to your friendship, but before you are obviously spending so much time with each other that you might as well nail it down with an exclusive commitment. At this point the person you are seeing should be aware of the fact that you are free to see whom ever you want. If they can't stand on their own, you aren't doing them any favors by providing them with a relationship to use as a crutch, and If they can't reciprocate the trust you have in their strength, it should be a red flag that maybe your friendship with them isn't even solid enough to be getting into a relationship in the first place.

[Camus2u2]

While I agree with you on a number of points, I strongly disagree with you regarding the notion that being considerate to your date is superficial. Such a position would make for a lousy boyfriend. Also, being considerate has nothing to do with being proper. It's about being a good "dater" and a good human being--realizing that the feelings of other human beings are worthy of consideration, even if they are different than your own. As an INTJ, I too have trouble with tact, but I've learned that it is necessary sometimes, especially when romantic feelings are involved. I don't always succeed in getting my point across without hurting someone's feelings, but I don't think trying to communicate my feelings is an inherent weakness. Now, if you do not like your date's company, then by all means express that dislike as you see fit, but to think that you have carte blanche with someone you actually like to overtly flirt in front of them during the "getting to know you phase" is immature. After all, how does one evaluate "friendly flirting" when you are just beginning with someone? It's a fine line and even if both parties are mature, early flirting, especially of an overt nature, is sowing the seeds for the very insecurity that you want to dismiss.

[Nikita]

I don't flirt, I'm just myself. I don't see a problem with flirting with others while in a relationship as long as both are allowed to do so.

[Indubitably]

While I agree with you on a number of points, I strongly disagree with you regarding the notion that being considerate to your date is superficial. Such a position would make for a lousy boyfriend. Also, being considerate has nothing to do with being proper. It's about being a good "dater" and a good human being--realizing that the feelings of other human beings are worthy of consideration, even if they are different than your own. As an INTJ, I too have trouble with tact, but I've learned that it is necessary sometimes, especially when romantic feelings are involved. I don't always succeed in getting my point across without hurting someone's feelings, but I don't think trying to communicate my feelings is an inherent weakness. Now, if you do not like your date's company, then by all means express that dislike as you see fit, but to think that you have carte blanche with someone you actually like to overtly flirt in front of them during the "getting to know you phase" is immature. After all, how does one evaluate "friendly flirting" when you are just beginning with someone? It's a fine line and even if both parties are mature, early flirting, especially of an overt nature, is sowing the seeds for the very insecurity that you want to dismiss.

Carte blanche? This assumes that either of us some how needed to grant "permission" to the other to act or feel a particular way. If things are that bad that early on, I'd hate to think what it would be like once you are in a relationship. I don't know, maybe you have a very different way of showing someone respect, but I don't use "consideration", at least in the way I'm thinking of the word. Which is to say that in this context I would use consideration to mean empty gestures used to placate someone and or coddle their ego. I know I would find that very patronizing, not to mention a direct insult to my integrity, and I won't treat others with any less respect than I would expect of them towards me. I definitely agree with you about keeping the lines of communication open, but I think we would have a very different way of going about that.

[zibber]

Also, flirting with other people, just for fun. Does it bother you if your partner does and what are the "lines"?

Yes, I do and no, I don't :)

For my partner, it bothers me if she flatteredly tells me about anyone conspicuously complimenting her. The solution seems to be not to tell me. Conversely, I extend the same courtesy. I do flirt, if the situation is there (rather than crampedly avoid something which is naturally enjoyable), but take care not to let it become too meaningful.

[Allie]

I flirt shamelessly when it comes to my husband, from silly fun to seduction. I don't flirt (or not good at it) with other males; if I did, then it would most likely be unintended.

And, it seems I flirt more with him, not less, over the years. It must be that it becomes a part of our relationship, and so, it's just a natural progression...

[Kisai]

What, praytell, is an open marriage?

Both partners get to fornicate with other people.

[hullolife]

My natural behavior is probably deemed as flirtatious. Not sorry? :) It's not extreme by any means but I do think and extrovertedly, naturally act like that.

[baixue]

I am not gifted in the area of flirtation, and when I have attempted to flirt, it has ended embarrassingly bad. Even if I did flirt, my INTJ husband probably wouldn't pick up on it. -It's a miracle we even got together in the first place since we're both pretty socially inept.

[Futuremouse]

Watching me flirt is like watching a train wreck. I avoid it for my own embarrassment prevention then out of moral choice.

so it's grainy video on youtube?

I abhor people who flirt wantonly with other people and do not flirt with their own date*. The majority of the time this makes the date feel worthless and the rest of the party assume so and so is looking for other options.

i dated a girl once who would flirt with me as long as we were out and about. coy looks, smiles, hand on the leg, whatever.

then, soon as we got in the car to go home, would completely shut down. wouldn't even speak. dropped her like a baby covered in spikes.

i've never necessarily felt compelled to flirt unless there was genuine interest or a desire to be noticed, and to make my interest or desire to be noticed, noticed.

been with current girl for less than a year, so we still flirt with each other, even around the house. i'm a bit awkward at it. here's an example.

me: your bottom.

her: yes?

me: it's terribly fetching.

her: is it?

me: yes.

her: is that all?

me: no. i feel compelled to tell you i'm thinking of doing things to it that are illegal in several states, and contrary to some widespread moral and religious beliefs.

her: is that supposed to be charming?

me: i don't suppose so. just thought i'd warn you that there may be some soreness later.

[Natsilani]

Like flirting with your partner, do you do it? If so, how?
Hell yes, flirting in a relationship is practically mandatory. It keeps things interesting, it tells the other person that you still feel that spark, and it presents a little bit of a challenge to both parties to keep their minds working. And being together with an ESTP, it helps keep his attention ;)


Also, flirting with other people, just for fun. Does it bother you if your partner does and what are the "lines"?
We also have an open relationship, so flirting with other people is definitely on the table if not encouraged. Sometimes it is very entertaining to go to a bar together and watch each other flirt with others. We are both very secure in our feelings for each other.

We kinda have an interesting dynamic, strolling down the street and pointing out attractive people to each other. Sometimes that will lead to a conversation about taste, and a little playful teasing.


Edit: One more thing; how open are you with your SO? Would you tell them about someone hitting on you....etc.?
Absolutely. He kinda gets a kick out of it sometimes, I think because he feels that a compliment towards me is a compliment towards himself.


I used to be in a relationship with someone that got very jealous, even of the slightest compliment. Now being in my second open relationship, I don't think I could go back to that. It is so restrictive, always having to watch how you behave towards others, and to make sure and reconfirm that yes, you're still interested in only your partner. Honestly I don't think I'm built that way. Being together with someone doesn't suddenly blind you to others, as evidenced by all the cheating stories.

This doesn't mean that I never get jealous, or that we don't have limits. For example, I tend to be a lot more touchy about emotional closeness, than physical. We also both agree that allowing another person something that we do not allow each other would constitute a breach between us, unless we had a conversation about it beforehand. And keeping a secret about this sort of thing is definitely a problem.

But I also agree that this kind of a relationship dynamic takes some time building. It takes some trust in your partner, and your own certainty about your intentions towards them before flirting becomes something other than feeling for other options. And of course, going behind the back of your partner and lying is especially toxic to any relationship.

[Tigress]

me: your bottom.

her: yes?

me: it's terribly fetching.

her: is it?

me: yes.

her: is that all?

me: no. i feel compelled to tell you i'm thinking of doing things to it that are illegal in several states, and contrary to some widespread moral and religious beliefs.

her: is that supposed to be charming?

me: i don't suppose so. just thought i'd warn you that there may be some soreness later.

I don't know about anyone else, but this made me laugh a little bit during class.

[Wordsmith]

Not trying to be rude here, but as a single guy having a female flirt with you consistently and then finding out that she recently got into a relationship is DAMN IRRITATING. Made worse when there is a point in the conversation made for mentioning that you are in a relationship and you don't.

[Antares]

What's everybody's opinion on flirting while in a relationship?
Like flirting with your partner, do you do it? If so, how?
It's really been THAT long ago. I have no idea.
Also, flirting with other people, just for fun. Does it bother you if your partner does and what are the "lines"?
As long as it's nothing physical or sexual, go for it.
Also do you think it's possible that after a while your effect on your significant other in terms of flirting won't work anymore? Because they know you so well that it's no longer interesting for them?

Yes, I think it does die down after a while, but if I'm stuck with nothing to talk about with him, it's time to move on.
Edit: One more thing; how open are you with your SO? Would you tell them about someone hitting on you....etc.?
If they're going to get all jealous or possessive, then no. I can't picture myself telling them for no reason, though. As long as it's moderate and manageable, I don't see why they have to know.

[Aldanga]

I don't know about anyone else, but this made me laugh a little bit during class.

I laughed heartily.

[LiamWolf]

Flirtings a mind game, and I like mind games, but I only do it with people I think are interesting enough to flirt with.

Something I wrote on another forum.

I flirt with people I find attractive. It's a game between people, I find it's easy for me and I never wait for the 'green light'. Female body language is so easy to predict. Once you get inside someones head it's game over. (For lack of better words.)

"Also, something else I noticed: people who get lots of attention from the other sex/have lots of friends who are from the other sex are easier when it comes to flirting." <- That part is true. I think people who get attention seek more attention.

[NephilimAzrael]

Well I would be interested in how you all define flirtation as I forward my accounts.
Daunting as it seems, I do not think I am very sensitive to flirtation. (I'm sure there was already several threads on the subject). It would take a billboard with the other's message, beating my head in with noticeable force, or as I prefer, a frank statement.

Although I am being obtuse partly. Friends and colleagues both have quoted on my flirtatiousness that I myself remained oblivious to. Apparently I use power/threat stances and raise passionate cases with a sympathetic female. Having asked my present beau, she was insulted at first that I did not recall our first conversation being a musical debate. Is it just me, but with all the topics to cover one cannot be held responsible for forgetting one little dispute. :laugh:

[Wordsmith]

I think my attitude towards it really varies according to my mood. If I'm in a serious mood, my default and how I am normally, I find it to be fun only if I think that the flirtation is more than a mere game. If it is a first step, a game to gauge interest.

If I'm in a lighthearted mood, rather rare, than I can enjoy it for its own sake.

Probably stems from the fact that I'm single and extremely pragmatic.

[probity]

I am horrible at flirting because I can never flirt with the person I'm interested in. I only ever seem to be able to flirt with people I'm completely uninterested in. That being said, I feel so sorry for my ex because he was such a flirt and in our four year relationship I think I was able to appropriately respond to his flirting once and it totally threw him off. I usually did end up flirting a little with other men but never in his presence and I never realized I was doing it until someone else pointed it out.

I was very open with him about the advances other men made toward me and he was open with me as well. The more our relationship developed the less insecurity there was in our relationship. By the end there wasn't anything we were uncomfortable discussing.

Now that I'm single again I really want to watch myself. I don't want to flirt with anyone now that I'm not attached. Someone thinking I'm interested in a relationship could only be bad on quite a few levels.