Relationship with parents

[aydin4ik]

I find it extremely hard to communicate with my parents. Especially with my father. I know and see that he cares about me and is always trying to give my his best and help me in whatever way he can, but still we are having endless arguments all the time. I have been reading some posts where people say they have good relations with their parents, I wonder if what is wrong with me (if anything is).

I know the problem mostly lies on my introversion and rationality (they are more of an emotional type). But on the other side, I think they have to understand that this is the way I am and as I am not a teenager any more, I think I should have more privacy and independence.

Sometimes I think that it is enought for me to keep hanging out with my three friends (I made them to take the MBTI and it appeared they are 2 INTJs and 1 ENTJ). But I know that probably my parents are the ones who know me better than others and love me more than anyone else can.

Has anyone faced such thing? What can be a way out?

[thod]

How old are you and do you still live at home with them?

It gets much easier when you are older and have been living apart for years. Then they become just people to which you have a fondness due to your history. As a teenager they seemed bigoted and overbearing. Now I visit them more out of duty and a desire to catch up on events more than anything else. If they were not my parents I doubt I would choose to socialize with them at all.

They have great fondness for you too because they don't see you in the now. What they see in you is a collage of memories where you are simultaneously a toddler a child and a teenager and a man.

[Vagrant]

Sounds to me like they're not giving you as much independence as you'd like. My parents wisely chose to release independence gradually as I got older, and so I really appreciate them a lot for doing that.

However, another INTJ I know has parents who cannot seem to understand that she is a separate entity capable of making her own decisions.

[Fanowene]

I don't have problems talking to my father about making decisions. He's always wanted independence for me, wanting me to try new things, become confident with something I might not even want to try (as in making me try something I thought I was going to mess up, precisely because I didn't really know what I was doing or had messed it up in the past).

My mom is more the worrying type, and I've decided to not share all of my insights with her. I only share the ones that reassure her of my ability to handle the situation. Sometimes I make the mistake of sharing too much of my reasoning, though. She's not the type that will help me do something (she thinks I'm old enough to do things myself now); she's more the type that will tell me not to do something if I'm not quite sure of what I am doing.

My parents did give me a great deal of independence growing up, but also set clear limits. Now that I'm not living with them anymore I'm in the process of setting my own limits, though I find the ones they set up to provide a great framework. But still, I have to decide for myself now which of their standards I really think are useful and why (and what I want to do with them).

[Astra]

I didn't get on with my parents until I was well into my twenties - in fact, probably not until I had kids of my own.

In a way, I never really got on that well with my dad, and he died last year. I'm probably closer to my mum since then, but I think that's partly because she's got more spare energy now to put into her relationships.

Don't think of it as necessarily a permanent state of affairs. Your relationship with your parents will change as you all get older.

Do you know what the cause of the arguments is? I mean, are there unresolved issues between you or is it just a clash of styles?

[dogwoodlover]

I find it extremely hard to communicate with my parents. Especially with my father. I know and see that he cares about me and is always trying to give my his best and help me in whatever way he can, but still we are having endless arguments all the time. I have been reading some posts where people say they have good relations with their parents, I wonder if what is wrong with me (if anything is).

I know the problem mostly lies on my introversion and rationality (they are more of an emotional type). But on the other side, I think they have to understand that this is the way I am and as I am not a teenager any more, I think I should have more privacy and independence.

Sometimes I think that it is enought for me to keep hanging out with my three friends (I made them to take the MBTI and it appeared they are 2 INTJs and 1 ENTJ). But I know that probably my parents are the ones who know me better than others and love me more than anyone else can.

Has anyone faced such thing? What can be a way out?


I'm just now finally beginning to get along with my parents. I've always been very emotionally distant from both of them, however I've always felt a special connection with my mom (ESTJ), that's not of an emotional nature but more of an implicit understanding, and the fact that through my childhood I was always the one who helped her out while my two younger sisters and my father were completely useless.

My father and I have never had a real connection, despite the fact that in the last two years he's been trying desperately to make one. I lack any respect for him whatsoever. Our only common ground is our intellectual nature (his is much more subtle [INFP], mine is obviously very overt).

You aren't alone. In all likelihood, as you get older and begin to mature more, your relationship with your parents will probably get better, as they begin to appreciate and respect you more for being an adult.

[Santana28]

My relationship with my parents is perfect - there is none. I talk to my mother once or twice a year, for a few minutes on the phone. She is usually drunk and calls to tell me "everything is fine." (despite the fact that you can tell she's upset, and was never asked for that assessment in the first place). My father... if i talk to him once a year that is alot. And usually its due to some monetary issue, and has no emotional implications at all.

My mother has issues and her life is in a terrible spot (all by her own doing) - i wish i could be there for her (well, i feel obligated to) - but i realize that due to life circumstances i cannot, so i don't attempt or insinuate otherwise. Its for the best. As far as my father is concerned... there was never any emotional attatchment in the first place, so why simulate any now that we are older? He has his own life and i have mine. Thats that.

Some people would say this is sad... but i don't see it that way. You can't miss something you never really had, can you?

[True Rune]

We get along, I only talk to my mother every so often, but we're on good terms. I still live with my dad, and we get along. But we're not super close. They don't seem to mind.

[Janospeed]

aydin4ik my parental relationship Is exactly the same. I moved out right after high school but my folks are "helicopter parents," I try to deny receiving their help as much as I can without hurting their feelings but we live in a small town and I still see them far to often. I want to move but I'm very bad at making new friends so I've been extremely reluctant to leave. I get along decently with my mother, but I can't stand my father which is unfortunate because I know he cares a lot about me.

[PRBori]

I think each individual faces different issues with the parents... now that I'm a parent I wonder what my kids think... but personally I don't have the best relationship with my parents although I have tried...

My parents divorced when I was 3, my mom took care of us the most and although, and I admire her the most because she did everything she could to raised us well, somewhere along the way she decided to marry her religion and things went down the hill from there..

My father, well, let's say the times I did spend with him as a child it was like he was not there, always drunk, the most I saw of him was him lying down on the floor completely gone, and he always said that women should be with women and men with men... so my time was spent with my grandma instead of him... let's say it was a good thing because she help me understand why he behaved the way he did...

Nevertheless, my relationship with both my parents is extremely limited. With my mom, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, but she drives me nuts with her religion and that still keep us apart a bit.. for my dad, let's say I got tired of him asking me to support him, after all he didn't support it us or helped my mother.., nevertheless, I would have no issues to help, but I do have priorities, and he is not one of them... first are my kids, then my mom, and then him... that's just how things are, he is the last one in my list..

So don't feel too bad... you're family is probably not as bad as mine... I don't hate them, I love my family but we are quite distant.. at least I am, just like I am with everyone else... I guess is just my nature

[rahdam]

My dad is an INTJ and my mom is an INFJ

I have a great relationship with my parents.
I live about 12 hours away.

My dad, in particular, knows that I have his back and vice versa without the need for words.
My mom does need dsome positive encouragement, but its not a large necessity.

The relationship is implicit with both of them, and I love it.

[Nikita]

My parents and I get along alright these days, but there's not really a warm connection there. My dad has come through for me countless times, so I know that he cares, he just doesn't really know how to show it in one-on-one interactions. My mom and I used to get along really well, but since she remarried she's been so wrapped up in her husband and his family that she has lost what little of herself she had and now my outspoken ways cause her to put me down, whereas they used to be a part of me she supported. I used to be able to make jokes and have opinions, now I must keep the peace at all costs when I visit. I'm not allowed to argue or to contradict her husband, even when I'm right (and so far I've been right in every argument, verified by his own actions and friends, at that)! I believe she's an ISFJ and that my father is an ESTJ.

[aydin4ik]

How old are you and do you still live at home with them?
- I am 23 and I live with them

Do you know what the cause of the arguments is? I mean, are there unresolved issues between you or is it just a clash of styles?
- Probably the second one. And my infernal desire for independence and their desire for control.

I guess I won't ever have a very close relation with someone not NT. The interesting thing is when I am away for some time and come back, things become so great! But after a while they roll back to the initial position. So either I move away or I change my personality.

I think I love 'em a lot, thou. I THINK :)

Guess that's the curse of being an INTJ...

[metamagnet]

I think my mom is an ESTJ and my dad, i think, is an ENTP.
Obviously, as an INTJ we didn't always get a long the greatest, but I'd say I have a good relationship with them. I'd say I'm similar to dogwoodlover in the sense that I am very emotionally distant from them, despite being close to them in other ways.
I do have an immense respect for my dad though. He's definitely wise, and as a result - humble. INTJ's are naturally arrogant bastards, but I would be beyond hopeless in that respect if not for him.

[Astra]

How old are you and do you still live at home with them?
- I am 23 and I live with them

Do you know what the cause of the arguments is? I mean, are there unresolved issues between you or is it just a clash of styles?
- Probably the second one. And my infernal desire for independence and their desire for control.

I guess I won't ever have a very close relation with someone not NT. The interesting thing is when I am away for some time and come back, things become so great! But after a while they roll back to the initial position. So either I move away or I change my personality.

I think I love 'em a lot, thou. I THINK :)

Guess that's the curse of being an INTJ...

I think it's more the curse of being a 23 year-old living with their parents tbh.

I did that for six months after college (trying to save money to go travelling) and it was hell on wheels. If you can afford to, move out before things get any worse. Try to email/phone/meet up with them regularly if you can, keep it fairly short and sweet, and things will most likely improve.

[Janospeed]

I have to agree, living with your parents at that point limits you far too much. In my case there are significant unresolved issues, mild clash of styles.

[Jgib5328]

I've always had a good relationship with my mom, but there's been a huge emotional distance. I never express any of my thoughts or feelings with her and I don't talk to her much. I guess there's a huge absence of emotion, which is probably bad, but I don't want to express any of it to her.