Long Distance Relationships

[Nikita]

I've noticed a lot of talk in the picture threads about the merits and drawbacks of long distance relationships, particularly those started over the internet (in forums like this, dating sites, etc.).

What are your thoughts on the subject? Is it something you'd feel comfortable getting involved in? What are your hesitations, and what do you find exciting about the prospect of beginning a relationship this way? Do you know of anyone (yourself included) who has gotten involved with someone they met over the internet? If so, what happened with that relationship (happy stories...horror stories...)?

One thing that strikes me is how quickly relationships in real life can begin (and end) with the parties really knowing nothing about the other person, yet online we can get to know each other pretty well pretty quickly b/c anonymity seems to facilitate an increased comfort level with sharing.

Discuss away!

[Bioplasmoid]

I have the utmost respect for those people who manage to make long distance relationships work (regardless of the distance involved), but would NEVER consider it in my life. I value seeing my partner at least in the context of a relationship at least once a week or more. The reason is that I love the physical initimacy aspect of things. Of course having space is great too, getting the balance right for both people is the tricky bit!

I like to know a person by spending time talking about the mundane as well as the deeply personal. The knowing comes about (for me) through a process of intuition and factual inference, rather than just supposedly true surface level information.

I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if a third party combined externally moderated speed dating with various personas on here, it could be interesting to say the least, although it might have to be done at gunpoint... :laugh: A match made in heaven or hell, either way at least all parties involved would have unforgettable memories.

[radames]

I think I would give everything at least a chance.

[Kisai]

I don't understand why people get involved with LDR's. LDFriendships, sure, but LDR? What's the point?

[radames]

Sometimes you can find diamonds in the rough. However, you have a better shot in person.

[hullolife]

About to try that out... but LDR is a loose term for me. Long distance now, close distance very soon... i dunno.... *walks away like a wide eyed child*

[ricearoni]

Actually my parents met through snail mail. My aunt had just moved to this country, met my dad and decided to play matchmaker (or greencard maker :p) and set him up with my mom. For some reason it worked out as they've been married for almost 30 yrs now.

So the idea of something long distance doesn't phase me. I really like being physically close with a person, but as long as there's some sort of regular contact, I won't get anxious. I'm also not the cheating kind of person and If I know the person I'm involved with cares about me, then I don't get jealous or worried. I don't know if that's conceit or just plain stupidity on my part. Of course, I wouldn't want to be in a long distance relationship for too long because I think after a year or more you start to lose sight of who the person really is.

It's so easy to elevate a person when you don't have access to all parts of their personality because you tend to fill in the blanks with what you would want to happen.

[Josephine1012]

Well, long distance relationships are probably not the easiest way to go, but you can't control everything in your life. Sometimes things have a funny way of working out if you let them.

[Bioplasmoid]

It's so easy to elevate a person when you don't have access to all parts of their personality because you tend to fill in the blanks with what you would want to happen.

*Sigh* So very true, but do we ever really have access to that entire person? I think not...Unless there were some way of merging minds even if temporarily, it is pretty much impossible to 'access all areas' with the usual time constraints that most people face in daily life.

[interstellar]

It's not easy.

[Josephine1012]

It's so easy to elevate a person when you don't have access to all parts of their personality because you tend to fill in the blanks with what you would want to happen.

I would definitely have to agree that observing a person in different scenarios, which is an option you have in a "short-distance" relationship provides you with a much better understanding of the full spectrum of their personality.

The above statement is probably especially true of me, since I have a tendency to be very idealistic to the point of often ignoring facts, especially if those facts are easy to ignore.

The benefit I can see more immediately is a tendency to elevate a discussion to things that are less mundane, since the other person isn't always going to have full awareness of all the details of your life when they are far away.

It's almost like you learn different aspects of a person depending on the distance circumstances.

[rahdam]

I've noticed a lot of talk in the picture threads about the merits and drawbacks of long distance relationships, particularly those started over the internet (in forums like this, dating sites, etc.).

What are your thoughts on the subject? Is it something you'd feel comfortable getting involved in? What are your hesitations, and what do you find exciting about the prospect of beginning a relationship this way? Do you know of anyone (yourself included) who has gotten involved with someone they met over the internet? If so, what happened with that relationship (happy stories...horror stories...)?

One thing that strikes me is how quickly relationships in real life can begin (and end) with the parties really knowing nothing about the other person, yet online we can get to know each other pretty well pretty quickly b/c anonymity seems to facilitate an increased comfort level with sharing.

Discuss away!

1. Thoughts: The lack of any physical or social contact (in the sense of socializing with others) leaves only a mental connection possible.
2. Comfortable: Nope. I'd like a complete relationship with physical social mental and spiritual connections.
3. Hesitations: See Above: Excitement: Meeting someone new is always nice.
4. Know anyone: nope, no long distance relationships among friends.
4a. NA

Do you really know someone if you only know them in a mental context. Again, forging a physical or social connection seems physically impossible. A spiritual connection may be possible I suppose.

[Janospeed]

I don't see the point in maintaining a long distance romantic relationship, I think that's a hassle for both parties. But long distance platonic relationships, like what is most commonly created online, can be better than close distance ones. There is no substitute for a close range physical relationship.

[PRBori]

I kind of had a long term relationship for 1 1/2 years but I didn't meet him on the internet, it was a face-to-face encounter on a conference... he was in a boot offering his services and products and it coincided with something I had in mind at the time... so our conversation began that way... we both work in a complimentary area which makes it much more interesting..

I had nothing on my mind until he suggested a long distance relationship, well sort off... and I though why not... anyway to make the long story short, it doesn't always work... we fell apart because our goals collide it... he is not ready for a serious relationship and I'm not ready to jump into unstable waters.

As for meeting someone over the internet, forget it... I had nothing but bad experiences and I'm not sure I want to do so. As for getting into another long distance relationship... I believe this time I will think twice, there are not a lot of people that can be trusted or brutally honest... and there is always the possibility that one of the two will eventually find someone else closer...

[enWTFp]

Too deceiving. People start using online communities for dating, just because there are no proper real life communities. Someone from the fitness? Work? Clubs? Group meetings? Somehow it's not the same.

Genetically, we are still centuries ago, so let's see what we got back then: small real life communities living together mostly in small towns. Everybody knows each other, and much more importantly (!!) - they do not know many more other people. They read about the same heroes from books and newspapers, but these are not many, and the opinions do not vary too much. Less arguing, more concentration in work, less distraction in relationships, more stability in family.

We still want this, our genes want this, but our modern life cannot offer it. So what do we do? We simulate the same thing in virtual worlds. Why it seems to work? Shared interests, common appearance (here we even all share the 115x145 format of avatars), common slangs and terminology, simulating stability in relationships (we worry only if someone disappears completely, but we don't have to worry about their own disturbances while they do not post; thus the artificial life seems much more steady). And there is the effect of small communities, old as time: if you are offered 300 love partners to choose from, you are dissatisfied with all of them; if you spend your time with 30, they become so important to you that you find yourself able to pick someone as the "best" option.

So far so good. However, bonds formed this way are still formed in illusion, even if these people meet regularly and there is real physical attraction too. Once they get out of their virtual "small town" they are faced again with the ocean of distracting possibilities of the real world. Not that they are attracted to others, but they start comparing and nagging each other. Soon they only see imperfections and... they end it, and this goes, and goes.

This is the illusion of choice. To think always that there are better options (and because they are offered by force from everywhere). And instead of becoming happier from all this, to become unhappier, and never with the "right" person. In the end, there is no really "right", there is dedication. But I don't know how someone could manage it in a world that maintains this speed. Now, even the lives of the 40-year olds seem more like those of the teenagers: they keep changing, and changing.

Ah, let me cut it here with what a good friend likes to say often: Modern life is rubbish.

In general, long-distance relationships can work. People used to write letters for years, and so on. It is the state of mind that is broken, and this brings problems in relationships no matter of distance. Actually, right now long-distance seems the more appealing option, because the best way to love somebody is to not know them well enough.

[Autoptic]

Genetically, we're actually many millinia ago, but I think I see what you're saying.

Personally in terms of a pet as that's actually not theoretical with me, I want a pet. I have certain requirements. I figure that a cat fits these requirements, so I get a cat, if only humans were that easy. Assuming I was right about my requirements and the cat continues to fit them which can be a problem if either change, I'm not shopping around for another. I have my cat, and over time I'd just get more attached, but apparently I'm weird. Territoriality has its perks here.

As for long distance, I don't want to think about a cat out there somewhere, and teleconferencing, as talking and texting obviously out, or short visits are worthless. In terms of a pet, that last part should be more obvious. Considering the greater complexity of romantic entanglement, I'm still lost as to how anyone thinks they can manage such a thing under those circumstances when they couldn't even manage a lesser relationship that way.

[Lainy]

I tried a few times but it was too awkward. I used to search for a potential love relationship on the internet but now I just chat and if the opportunity to meet comes along then I accept but with no hope.

I used the internet a few times to declare myself to boys I already knew in person, didn't work out but it's still a good way and easier.

[Chisos]

Reminds me of an crusty old lawyer at the first firm I worked for who, when I told him about my girlfriend from law school who had moved about 1000 miles away for work.

As he drew on a Camel, he said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder--------of somebody else."

He was right.

However, I still think it can work, as long as both folks are on the same page.

[Kisai]

Sometimes you can find diamonds in the rough. However, you have a better shot in person.

I imagine it even worse if you feel that you've found a diamond. Are you going to move to Paraguay?

[jp624]

This is the illusion of choice. To think always that there are better options (and because they are offered by force from everywhere). And instead of becoming happier from all this, to become unhappier, and never with the "right" person. In the end, there is no really "right", there is dedication. But I don't know how someone could manage it in a world that maintains this speed. Now, even the lives of the 40-year olds seem more like those of the teenagers: they keep changing, and changing.

Ah, let me cut it here with what a good friend likes to say often: Modern life is rubbish.

In general, long-distance relationships can work. People used to write letters for years, and so on. It is the state of mind that is broken, and this brings problems in relationships no matter of distance. Actually, right now long-distance seems the more appealing option, because the best way to love somebody is to not know them well enough.

I really enjoyed reading this post. I agree that modern life has spread more confusion and unrest. People are absolutely consumed by choices and options and this completely erodes our ability to be happy with the person we're with. I hear people complaining about the most irrelevant things their partner does when they may be with a stellar person. I think emotional maturity is what the problem is. Most people seem to take much longer to grow up emotionally than they should.

I think long-distance relationships can definitely work. I personally do not think I could remain in one for years on end. If I was completely committed to the person, I would try to move where they were or get them to move closer to me.

[Colette]

I don't understand why people get involved with LDR's. LDFriendships, sure, but LDR? What's the point?

Because often it's the best option, or there isn't another realistic option (for people, for example, who live in an isolated rural area, or who for one reason or another can't or don't mix in local circles where they would meet people).

Or a couple might be separated due to circumstance such as war, or one partner being called elsewhere, or employed in another city.

Modern day relationships are complex, and there is no simple 'one size fits all' formula, imo. Close up and personal relationships can be fraught with as many issues and difficulties as long distance ones - in the end it mostly depends on the good will and effort of the parties, and the inherent strength of the relationship in terms of feelings and compatibility.

[Elfrun]

Sounds like a living version of hell to me but you can’t help who you fall for. If they're worth it you'll find a way.

[changos]

I have respect for the reasons and the ability of others to deal with long distance relationships, but I really consider it like virtual reality... and a very high risk of wasting time.

[curiousjane]

I tried the long-distance thing, and it didn't work. Not because of me … I did my best, and I still fully believe it is possible to make an LDR work … but it requires TWO people who believe this.

My favored guy did not. He decided, in the end, it was a mistake to look online outside of his immediate area. We connected in so many ways, but it really was, at best, a mental connection. I had an emotional connection (I let myself, after several months of continuous contact), but even I knew that I couldn't give my full affection to somebody I couldn't see or touch. To be fair, I entered into the quasi-relationship fully aware of the difficulties it would produce, and fully willing to deal with them. I was (and in some way still am) in a quite transient part of my life. Moving to be near him would not have been extremely hard for me to do if we had decided it was worthwhile.

Now that I've moved on, I am not opposed to meeting potential dates online (no different than meeting someone at a bar, I guess … I actually know MORE about how they present themselves through an online profile), but I will need to know that the actual dating would take place offline, in the real world, locally, in as normal a "dating environment" as is possible.

Can long-distance work? Yes, it can. My own parents were an example of meeting locally and then developing a romance long-distance over a period of a year or so when my dad had moved for a job. They were married 29 years, until she died last month, and there love was so strong that I anticipate my dad will not take off his wedding ring for years to come.

Do I know anyone who is in an LDR currently? Yes, I do. Again, it is a situation where they had been friends first (and even went a couple dates that went nowhere years ago) and the relationship bloomed long distance. It really was a case of absence makes the heart grow fonder! They're now engaged and have their upcoming months mapped out in their planners for who goes where, and when.

Do I know anyone who is currently in a relationship who met online? Yes, I do. I know a girl who met her boyfriend online and they chatted, then talked on the phone, then went on a date, then decided to date exclusively—i.e. "girlfriend" and "boyfriend"—recently. She's on cloud nine.

Have I ever met up "in real life" with someone I discovered online? Yes, I have. (Obviously!) Did that relationship work? No. (Again, obviously!) Does this mean that no other relationship begun online could work? Not at all! It was just the LONG-DISTANCE part of it, combined with some question of whether or not we really clicked completely, that made the quasi-relationship die before it had a chance to grow. Relationships rely on the people that are in them to keep them going, no matter how close or far away that the physical proximity is. Relationships fail every day that are begun and fostered locally. The only difference is that long-distance relationships require MORE work, MORE intentionality, and MORE patience! AND … they can't stay long distance indefinitely. ;)

[Camus2u2]

This is the illusion of choice. To think always that there are better options (and because they are offered by force from everywhere). And instead of becoming happier from all this, to become unhappier, and never with the "right" person. In the end, there is no really "right", there is dedication. But I don't know how someone could manage it in a world that maintains this speed. Now, even the lives of the 40-year olds seem more like those of the teenagers: they keep changing, and changing.

Ah, let me cut it here with what a good friend likes to say often: Modern life is rubbish.

In general, long-distance relationships can work. People used to write letters for years, and so on. It is the state of mind that is broken, and this brings problems in relationships no matter of distance. Actually, right now long-distance seems the more appealing option, because the best way to love somebody is to not know them well enough.

Nice strong finish, but your entire post really resonates with me. I just ended a relationship with someone who suffered from the modern syndrome of which you have so beautifully described. He was 43, and yet, closer to a teenager in mental age. He was constantly saying to me "that I would not find anyone better"--implying that I was looking online--while, all the while, that's exactly what he was doing! Projection, anyone? Discovering his uninspiring online sex ad was why I ended the relationship.

Like most INTJs, I suffer the opposite affliction...my loyalty knows no bounds. I realize that some INTJs might be able to handle multiple romances, but I find the idea exhausting. Where would one find the time to properly analyze each relationship.

Back on topic, I find that the internet has severely degraded the quality of human communication. For example, the eloquent love letters of an Emily Dickinson have been superseded by the hastily-written break up email of Tina Nextinline.

...and that would be a "no" to LDR, for me, personally. In today's climate, it's hard enough to build trust and intimacy with someone you actually live with.

[OneHertz]

I am in a long distance relationship I guess... We met on the internet 5 years ago through a friend. The "relationship" started just in September. She is 3000km away and we see each other twice a month for a few days at a time. She is moving in with me in May...

I believe it only works if there is an end to the "long distance" part in sight.

[LionsPride]

I'm a very physical person and touch is a huge part of a relationship for me. Being one of the main ways I show affection, I would be a rather poor partner to someone who could not receive that.

I have known people where the long distance worked for them. They are happily married now and devoted to one another, but you could swear they live separate lives in the same house. That works for them, but I can imagine it is a rare quality.


If in a relationship, I could handle a period of time apart and my heart wouldn't grow fonder of someone else. I carry the people I care about with me wherever I go. Sometimes so much that I never miss them because I feel like they are always with me. The issue is I would forget to tell them things so that the real person actually hears the whole story. I don't verbalize well. And that is the real LDR killer for me.